I want to live by this quote every day. I must say, I forget, a lot. But it is something I try to remind myself of, for it is of utmost importance.
“…Every story matters, every life matters. We say that pain is real and that it deserves our attention. We say that people need other people. We would be following an awful trend if we bought into the idea that these things somehow only apply to people who live where we live, or speak the language we speak. There is distance in the borders and the barriers. Distance more with all the seas. The danger in the distance is that a great lie gets whispered. i don’t hear it, but i feel it when i see the pictures on the news. The lie i’m talking about says something like this: “It’s okay. This is happening far away. Those people are different. This doesn’t affect you. It doesn’t matter that much.”
It’s easy to believe that our own problems are the only problems in the world. It feels true at times. Maybe a lot of the time. But the better thing might be to believe that we are one…
‘Global’ is not a nice idea. Global is reality. Let’s be the generation that realises this.”
- Jamie Tworkowski, of To Write Love On Her Arms
Now, for some other housekeeping
- I have begun using my Tumblr, for those few of you who read my blog hosted elsewhere and utterly anonymous, you'll have access to that.
- If you do want access to this other blog, just email me. Toivoa.ja.elaman@gmail.com
- If your name is Sacha or Becca, please go follow this. It's for/to you/me/us. I'm thinking of making it private anyway so I'll probably add you via email and then limit access shortly. Plus if we're going to continue communicating via blogs at all, I'll just give you author access so you can post on there.
Das ist alle, danke.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
'Global' is not a nice idea. Global is reality.
"I'll be Missing You"
hahaha, you'll remember. your proof...
If I "don't even really miss you anymore", then why is it that seeing you makes me panic? And three words from you have me in turmoil for the next hour? Just "How's it going?" I fumbled some ridiculous response... way to go looking like a complete dumbass Toivoa.
... I'd almost forgotten the sound of your voice. And now I've heard it again, I want to hear it all the time. I want you to talk to me like one of the others do. I talk to her heaps now, while I just don't really get that many chances with the other friend.
I want to see you laugh, and I really want to see you smile because even though you hate [hated?] smiling, I found it pretty much the most adorable thing ever.
You know what I miss? Those days when seeing you brought a huge smile to my face, and yours too, and I'd run at you and give you a massive, long hug; and you'd hug me back just as tightly. I loved that I knew you cared about me when you lacked any real response to so much else, and when you told me so, when you said "I love you" just because you wanted to say it and because you meant it. I loveloveloved our friendship. I lovelovelove you.
... but I think that's fading.
And even though I'm beginning to accept that,
I just still really really would give anything to be friends with you again.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Re:
I don't want to make you upset. I never did, and I sucked at that, and I'm so sorry. I know my apologies are far too late and can never ever do enough.
I would have hurt her, I would have hurt her in any and every fucking way possible, if she had carried out or even tried to carry out any of this threats she made against you. Even just saying what she did. I know it's stupid to get involved in other people's fights, but you were my best friend, I would not take that. I could not take that. She said the stupidest things, she was ridiculous. I still have an MSN conversation saved in a word file callled Brandon the Hero, when her boyfriend was taking her side and trying to join in. What a dick. Of course I was there.
I don't know when I became so caught up in my own feelings, I don't know how I got that way, but no matter what, I would still defend you, I still do.
This upcoming music trip... I can't see you being alone. You were always so good at making friends. Even though things have changed so much now, with everyone, you wouldn't have that problem, would you? You're the pretty, bubbly, outgoing, funny one. Even though I usually try to hide it, I still feel awkward around people so much, not knowing what to say. Except with some. Like you.
What do I want? I don't know...
I want you to be fucking happy. Maybe you can't do that when you are friends with me. I try to be happy and although I'm getting better at it, sometimes I get upset for no reason, and moody and just strange.
And in that case, if my seemingly uncontrollable, volatile emotions prevent us from being friends, then in one way I don't want us to be friends again. Of course I do, I want it more than anything. But I don't want to make you sad, and I don't know if I can help it. God knows I've done it often enough already to last a lifetime.
I never wanted that. I never wanted to hurt you.
I never ever imagined we would find ourselves where we are today.
How could I ever imagine such a thing?
Sometimes, what happened is clear to me; at others, I just don't understand it.
I wish I had a definite idea of something. But I have no idea. And I have no idea what I specifically want.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Untitled.
Sometimes it's more than I can take. To wonder what you're thinking. Do you ever think about me? When you do, what do you think? Do you think 'OMG what an overly emotional/fucked up bitch?' Or anything likewise negative? Do you remember the good memories, and even the bad memories? Do you wonder what things would have been like now? Do you wonder what might happen now instead? Do you miss me? Do you pretend like you were never friends with me? Do you talk about me to other people in passing, like I always accidentally do, remembering a memory and being like oh. Do you talk to each other about me? Does he talk to either of you? Do you talk to him? About me.
Do you ever, just briefly wish we were still friends?
I don't know that I really want to know the answer to any of those questions.
My mum mentioned one of you today. I desperately trying to avoid saying your name. She doesn't realise that it was you too, she thinks it was just the exbestfriend and the other one. I don't know how, since it was always our group of three. She liked you, because you wore skirts sometimes, and that makes me laugh, because she told me so many times, why can't you wear skirts more often like your friend? But she always forgot your name, she barely ever knew any of my friends' names. I don't know why, of all days, she thought to mention you today.
I'm trying to write something for tomorrow. Again, I don't know if I can.
[If you are reading, I really more than anything don't want you to read this.]
Those of you who have read my blog, from the start, will remember that I talked about how it actually physically hurts. And it's like, shit, my whole chest is so tight and hurts so much I can't even describe it. And you know, that hasn't been happening so much lately. So maybe I'm finally getting over it. But I don't want to. All those times I said "I would die without you", and, then, after all, I didn't. And I don't know, it, to me, felt like a betrayal. On my side. I didn't want that. So I wanted it to hurt, even more than it already did. But was I trying to make it hurt more or was I just trying to remember everything?
I didn't want to die, even without them. And I wanted to want that, but I just didn't. Not really. Even with the hospital, and the police, and the file, ohmygod, I just didn't want to think for a while. I was never going to DO anything. Yes, I don't think any of you know this, but when I came back to school, and they made me leave, and I didn't want to, and then I left but then I went for a walk and then the police came to find me and take me home... I was so scared and angry and alone. I know I said I didn't want to be alive, but I didn't want to die. I couldn't believe you thought that, I couldn't believe you would do what you did, and how everyone thought the same thing. It seemed absurd to me, although I knew, I knew how it would seem from your place. I wasn't mad about the hospital thing, I understood. I was angry because you thought I might kill myself.
And I would never.
But how were you to know?
All I knew then was that I was alone, more alone than I had ever been and that I had no one, no one who I could go to, no one who I could cry in front of, no one to even just give me a hug and listen. Of course my family, but how could I explain these things to them? I couldn't, and I wanted to protect my sister. Kathleen and Michelle, my best friends from primary school, knew the basics, but barely. I couldn't just weep to them over the phone, I didn't even understand what happened. They did what they could but they never knew how fucked I was. I just wanted someone. Nothing made sense at that point and I cried over everything. I stopped sleeping in my room, listening to my favourite song, eating chips from the local deli. I've recently listened to that song again, twice, and I've eaten chips there once, last week, but I still don't sleep in my room. Everything, everywhere was painful because it was a reminder of them and of the fact that I was alive. I felt acutely just how alive I was and it was so painful, I didn't want to feel that.
I'd felt like that before, over something. It was terrible. But then, I had David, at least. Although then I didn't even know if I had family.
Again, it was the feeling of the world being turned on its head. My world. And when I overdosed on painkillers and broke my promise to you, specifically to you, it made things worse. I failed all my classes at school that term. Like I said, nothing made sense. I thought that I had tried all I could and that there was nothing more I could do.
I hoped you weren't hurt over it but I had no idea what was going on and I assumed you were fine, because, you seemed fine. I don't know how I seemed but I felt all too vacant one moment, all too alive the next. I didn't think I was enough to hurt people. I still don't know. I never wanted you to know about the hospital incident. I half didn't want you to hear and be upset over it and half didn't want you to know and not care, and I was scared it was the second one that would be true. And it was...
Things aren't like that anymore. I don't actually struggle to breathe over that, except rarely. I don't get flashbacks of memories that make me lose all focus completely. I don't die inwardly every time I hear your name, I have developed a mechanism to distance the past from the future, mostly. I keep the present out of it and continue on conversation relatively normally, although a piece of my mind tells me something is wrong. It doesn't hurt as much, as often.
I don't know that I want that! I don't want to forget you, or what you mean to me, I still don't want to give up although that's ridiculous, isn't it? It's been too long, and the reality of that is only recently sinking in.
I don't know.
"My Depth Perception Must Be Off Again"
To be perfectly honest, I am dreading tomorrow. I will explain then, but for now, today has been rather a... queer day. Oh, you better believe I just said "queer".
I saw one of my best friends' dad on the bus home from the city tonight (I had to visit the State library. If possible, it was duller than it sounds, for all of the 5 minutes we were actually there. But that's a story for another post.). That was a little awkward.
Today I found out about a new couple. I was freaked out, to say the least, although everyone else seemed completely unfazed, saying it had been a long time coming. I tried to say how it was like if the exbestfriend and i had started going out, and the friend I was with just looked at me, and I admitted that, yes, okay, no one would have been surprised at that with the exception of myself. We could never have been together. Trust me on that. I wouldn't have wanted to risk our friendship, even with my friends urging me to take the chance because it might be worth it, and as much as I wanted to listen to them, I knew he didn't like me, and even if he had...
But that is all null and void now.
Anyway, if we had ever become a couple, I would have been the most shocked person. If I had a clone, she would have been shocked too. What can I say, I am completely unperceptive, totally oblivious. I just... don't pick up on things. It's irritating.
But so I was freaked out by this.
A few people were upset today, and I hate how I never know the right thing to say, I hate how I get the crazy urge to smile in an uncomfortable situation and then my efforts to suppress it leave me with a sickly looking grin/grimace.
This morning began by stepping almost directly in front of a car which I didn't see when crossing the road. It wasn't that close to be honest, but I suck at crossing roads and always freak out. To tell the truth, I was trying to pull myself together. For those of you who don't know, the exbestfriend lives directly opposite me on my street, but I have not seen him leaving for school in all this time, until today. I lost my thoughts for a few minutes there.
And then, meeting my friends getting off the bus, I somehow managed to meet eyes with another one of my best friends. It was an awkward moment, as those always are... But today, I dunno, it seemed different. Like she was trying to find something. Maybe it was just coincidence. Maybe it was me, after this past weekend in the blogosphere.
I don't know. I wish I did. Those looks are like... I know I've described them as dead before, as wrong. Whereas such a look before would have led to recognition and a smile, and going towards each other, it is now like accidentally catching the eye of a stranger. But worse. I think she said something similar about it, but I can't remember anymore...
I'm seeing Phantom of the Opera on stage on Wednesday. I'm excited, but organising lifts, etc., is hectic, not to mention schoolwork. Speaking of which, I need to do some now..
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