Letters to People

It's crazy how one person who you've known for really, not all that long at all, barely any time at all, can have such a huge impact on your life. And I know that usually I ignore this pain because God knows I have enough people to miss already.

But, I guess we try to see each other. I dunno, it just doesn't work.

You make me feel safe, and happy, and I love the way you make me think.

I'm scared you don't care, you're really just doing what feels like your duty, indulging this teen who is seriously messed up. Because you're so nice.

You're way too genuine, though. Right?

But whoa, I miss you like anything.

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Letters to People IV

Dear J,

This is for you.

What did you think about what I said? I know what you said your response was, but of course it was more turbulent than you can express... I didn't do it to taunt you, or just for the sake of continuing it on. There is an essence of truth to that statement, even now. How could I forget all that passed between us? Even with all that has happened since, you know that, I've spoken of that connection we still hold. I still feel it and in some ways I still care. In some ways I don't, because when I chose to cut ties, well, I found with you that I'm pretty good at it. But it's never been entirely without regrets.

And the argument "what goes around comes around" could be put to good use here, hey? That was the last thing I expected.

Don't think I never miss/ed you. There are still times when I remember little things. It will never ever be the same, even if you could forego your perfectly justified wariness, and even though sometimes I have wanted to. I won't let myself entertain such thoughts, to be honest, because things have changed. That friendship was one that I feel should be left in the past, just because it was a good thing, and I don't want the memory of that damaged. There is more to it, that is true. I'm not quite sure what those things are, though. I'm not sure I want to.

But that song, it brought you to mind for me, and sometimes it still does. It wasn't that long ago but we were so, so painfully innocent that it feels like another lifetime. I don't know that I can connect to who I was then, I can only look back as through a misted glass, but I somehow brought with me that connection between us up until now, and probably a while yet. And you know what?

It's not utterly, completely, wholly true now, and yet, in some ways, it still is.

Until the day I die.

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Letters to People III

Dear Jimit,

[Coz I wanted "The Jimit Post" published prior to this]

I know we've been through a lot of different forms of our relationship, from friends --> friends with a few benefits --> unofficially dating --> god knows what else. And I fully thought we were past all that crushes stage, I mean, we've already been there, done that, were together for a few months, even though you could say I cheated on you with the Ex Best Friend in that time but since nothing was ever official I guess that technically I didn't... Whatever. That is something I will probably never tell you.

So I thought we were again at a simple, uncomplicated stage of friends (who hook up, but that's neither here nor there[damn, I am in love with that phrase at the moment, forgive me for its repeated appearance throughout posts]). And lately we have been talking far more than, well, since we were together. We have that ridiculous habit of being in contact a lot, almost 24/7 at times, for a few consecutive weeks, and then falling out of touch and barely speaking until the cycle begins anew. And while the cycle has been run through a few times since last October/November, whenever it was, we hadn't quite reached such a level of constant communication again, till now. Considering my broken phone without text messaging capabilities, this is quite a feat, since we never see each other apart from our organised catch-ups and once-in-a-blue-moon random occasions. Internet and mobile are our main forms of communication, and occasionally calls via the landline, but these have to be planned out in advance anyway so that no one else will pick up the phone, just to avoid any awkward circumstances with family. So, I'm so glad we've stayed in touch so well this time.

I know both of us love this renewed conversationalism between us, and seeing you more often is great. You're funny in that terribly lame way and we just, connect. The only thing that irritates me is the way we never have that serious depth to our relationship; you're just not that kind of person. We talk about serious matters occasionally, but never at length, more in passing. That's cool, you're not really into that kind of thing. But a serious aspect is a huge side of my personality, and that's why we could never have a proper, well, serious, relationship.

But the thing is, I like you a lot. As a friend. And you're a great kisser. So, things are a little blurry right about now, to be honest. I'm not sure if I like you as more than a friend again... I'm not worried about damaging our friendship since we're good like that, but... I dunno. I just don't see it happening, although sometimes I wonder. I would love to know if you have any of this going on on your side, or if it's really just me. But there's no way in hell I could ask, because I've seen (and laughed hysterically) at your reactions to girls telling you they like you, and your inability to respond in appropriate ways. Although they were girls that you aren't attracted to, weren't even very good friends with, if at all, and would never consider them in that way. Whereas I know the opposite is true with us.

So what are you thinking???

And, I'll admit, I'm a little irritated over the idea that Chris has pretty much won. Stupid, maybe, but the first to move on after a break up has "won", and don't try to tell me how childish that is. I don't care that he is with that Ashleigh chick, although I do hate how he avoids me constantly now, even before he got with her. Especially since when I was trying to decide between him and Italics Boy, he said that even if I chose to be with Italics Boy, he's still want us to be friends, etc. And now, we're not. It is the very fear of this occurring that would have never allowed anything to happen with the ex best friend, even if had ever liked me. But this is worth a whole blog post, so, later.

I'm just sayin', I don't want him to think that I care because that is what would really piss me off. Grr. I want to be friends with him. And I'm okay with him "winning the game" because ohmygod i couldn't stand how much he was around at times, and am henceforth never dating anyone at school in the half a year and a bit I have left ever again. Unless they're really special, and unless someone moves here, I doubt that coz I'd have noticed. It's just that he's being so sfjasdkljlds about it. w/e.

So anyway, Jimit, back to you. If there was anyone I could be with right now, it would be you. What can I say, we just work together. ;) And it would make Elyse and that Yesha chick jealous as all hell... Not that I find glee in this idea of taunting these sad, unrequited lovers of yours. Although you've already mishandled the situation enough. ;P

I love you. I'm so glad I know you.

xoxox

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Letters to People II

Dear S,

Every Thursday after school is Concert Band rehearsal. As long as it would drag on before, interminably, it would seem, that seems like heaven compared to how I find it now. Do you find it awkward at all?

I can't help it, I know that you're there, just one row of people, seats, music stands and trumpets away. You're in my direct line of vision should I turn my head in the slightest. I see you without even meaning to.

Even when you aren't there, I remember how we would look across at each other during pauses in playing and make faces at each other, and try to tell one another the time through hand signals. I cannot help but be highly tense for hour and a half or so that the session runs.

Do you notice how, far too often, I laugh too loudly or just, too much, at an amusing remark by one of my 2nd flute companions? Do you see how sometimes my smile remains stretched across my face unnaturally because I have frozen with a memory or even just the knowledge of your presence and cannot for the life of me recall how to return to normality? Or the times when my smile is as fake as could be? Then there are all the moments whilst playiog when the pain of it strikes me and I wince, and I struggle to find my place in the music again as much for a distraction as to keep up. There are all the things I notice, and sometimes when I turn my head I see you looking at me for a split second. Those instants, when our eyes meet make me feel, I don't know what. It's a dead look, one of when you make eye contact with a stranger, awkward and meaningless, and that kills me. Because when I hear you laughing at something I still smile when I'm not paying attention, because your laugh always made me smile, because I loved your sense of humour and I loved you being happy. And then I remember, and it's like I've been hit with a house, Dorothy style.

The Wizard of Oz always reminds me of you. You always used to talk about it how the dwarf who played the munchkins hung himself on set and you could see it in that particular scene if you looked closely, and the first time I saw the movie, in Grade 9 Music, you pointed it out to me.

So many things remind me of you. We made so many plans, you, me and B, and now they will never happen, and even though a lot probably wouldn't have anyway, now they never will, for certain.

I miss the friendship we had so much. I miss you so much. You are gorgeous and amazing and your boyfriend is pretty much the luckiest guy in the world to have your love.

I think I'm losing the side of me that you guys brought out, and I really liked that part of me. You guys gave me the best advice and comfort and were the best friends I could ever ask for.

There's so much I could say, so much more I want to say, and even more that I could never put into words. How could I ever summarise those three and a half years? It seems so much longer, but then who was counting, because we thought it would last forever. It's thoughts like that that make me cringe.. I was so stupid.

And it sucks because this letter isn't really to you. If it was it would be written so differently. And if everything was right it would be bursting with how much I love you, like all those MySpace bulletins. You remember.

I love you so much. I always will.

Losing you was/is heart-breaking. I know I handled what happened in the worst way ever. I wish I had tried harder to fix things when it was still possible.
[Sacha. I need to say your name sometimes, if only to keep the memories of our friendship real, just like Jake's, just like Bec's...]
I love you. I miss you.

xoxox

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Letters to People I

Dear EBF,

Last night that thing you said you'd protect me from, along with David, almost happened again. I was so scared, but this time I was angry too, which is never good because I'm far more likely to do something stupid. I was trembling afterwards, but the sobbing was more for you than anything else.

Before, I wouldn't have been so alone. Even in the incident I told you about, I was terrified out of my fucking mind, but I had someone, even if they were separated from me by the sea and god knows how many miles. The second time, you knew, as well, and the only thing that made it better was talking to you. You know how I suck at keeping my own secrets, but this is one only you and David knew, and not very much even then.

I was scared, last night. I thought surely it would end in something that would no longer be possible to hide. Broken bones type of something.
"don't come nearer or I'll kill you".
Ohmygod. It's bringing it back now, although it's fine, now.

But the worst part was not being able to go to you for comfort, to make me feel safe again, even as we shivered in the freezing cold of this weather, out at the park, or maybe the cubby house in the playground at your primary school. Even though I probably wouldn't fill you in on all the details, you'd still care. I'd hate how cold you'd get, but as worried as I would get, it wouldn't be so bad because you'd actually want to be there, and I'd know I wasn't just making you stay. (I don't "know" anything anymore, I second guess everything these days.) Instead I lay in the darkness, trying to pretend.

I'm not so great at pretending.

And when fear receded, I waited for the tension to slowly seep away too.

This was no replacement for one of your hugs.

I love you. I miss you. I hate calling you EBF and wish I could just write your name. [Jake.]

xoxox

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