One Year Today. :)

I must be strong; I've come so far, you know. Although at times it seems a good thing, I understand the destructiveness behind your deception. Your incredible power is so seductive, but then, you're well aware. You're enticing, addictive. And I've always had trouble saying no...

You work so cunningly, so slyly. Attacking with loneliness and the fear it brings me - a little low, don't you think? Not that I ever mistook you for being honourable. You'd use every weapon in your arsenal and more tricks beside to have me at your feet once more, in helpless, fawning, obeisance.
We've walked that road so many times.

I love the way that you toy with us, at times gentle, cloaking yourself in the guise of innocence. At other times tempting, playing on guilt, forceful. "Oh, it's not that bad. Not such a big deal." "You know you want to." "You can't keep away. You couldn't before." "You'll never be free of me." Then the blunt shot, wordless. The cravings.

So many methods to employ and so admirably determined. I particularly enjoy the way you leave and come back with a punch; unexpected desire so hard to ignore. Or when you return after enough time has elapsed that its difficult to remember your dark side, even if one recalls it with their mind. Such tactics.

But see, the things is, even though you are so powerful, this power is not all-encompassing. I can turn my back on you, I can look away. I can remain vigilant and fight you with everything I've got. And what have I learned? That you are not indestructible. This is a war I'll be fighting for a long time; perhaps the rest of my life, but I am taking this stance and I am not giving in. I will not fall to you no matter how you plead or scream. This is me saying "never again".

A year ago I was in darkness, slave to a blade and the desperate need to flee from myself, from reality. Blood and pain flowing freely in a darkened room, heart more lost and broken than alive. Today I am fighting and more sure of one thing than ever before, that "hope is not a myth".

It was never going to be easy. I've caved enough times before to know. And sometimes fighting takes more effort than I've got, causes more pain than I know how to bear. I try try try and sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. Sometimes it isn't enough. But today, its been a year since I last cut, last hurt myself on purpose, and I am so proud of how far I've come. I never thought that I could do this, so many times when all I could see was pain and hurt; inescapable cycle; and yet, I have reached the other side of this dark tunnel.

Hope is real.

I'm not going to lie; I will find myself in the dark with the want to escape many more times. And this time, each time, to you, addiction, monster that would have me trapped in your grip, I will say no. I do not belong to you. This is over.

I am free.


(I originally wrote this last night, right after the previous post, but it is fitting for today, no?)

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"And it hurts because it should"

I feel very flat at the moment. Yesterday, he kissed me, in the toy section of Myer (random, I know lol. I also happened to not realise and moved, thus making it slightly awkward, as I tend to do... It's only the second time I've done this, and the first was far more awkward! This was still cute lol), and then later, again. I did not expect that, considering how long it took for him to hold my hand (lol). I'm not keen on kissing in public, and I hate those kissing photos so many people have... for a start, it was obviously posed because you're holding the goddamn camera! Does everyone really want to see your faces mushed against each other everytime your profile comes up on MySpazz or Failbook? Is it necessary? Really?
I also do have one of those pictures with Jimit (I'll explain him later), but it was his idea (I'm terrible at saying no to a lot of things, which is how) and I hid my copy of it never to look at again as soon as I got home...
If you want them, that's fine, but as a default pic? Please.

I'm also really not one to make first moves, so that's a definite plus. And I like him a lot. In a more permanent way than usual. Like Jimit, who would be the closest thing to a boyfriend I've had (we've come to an agreement that we will say we actually did go out because we pretty much did unofficially and secretly. Which means I have cheated on a boyfriend, and I felt bad enough about it at the time.), but slower, somehow. Better. Because after my drunken mistake, I'm feeling pretty fragile, like I've said. One guess as to what happened! =/ I'll blog about it soon, I promise...

But anyway, being happy with me only tends to last for a certain amount of a time, and then I grow drained from it. Of course, I am also sleep deprived. I fell asleep today at school in English Studies, as did three of my friends, and then, upon arrival in Biology, walked straight into a door... Lols all around.
I have had a lot of late nights lately, what with MSN and phone calls with him, but last night was an early one. Obviously it's catching up about now.

So, right now, nearly any little thing that goes wrong is making me feel upset, even though I am trying to fight it. I'm slightly, vaguely happy that I am actually trying to fight this instead of just letting it take over like I usually do; that's different. Definitely positive.

His MSN / computer keeps cutting out and he keeps going offline while I'm talking to him; he has no webcam because his dad has taken their family laptop with the inbuilt webcam on a daytrip to Sydney, so I can't see him when I am talking to him; he has a lot of homework and I feel like I am distracting him by talking to him but I still want to... my two friends are kinda mad at me since I broke my rule and ditched them in town yesterday to hang out with him (friends before guys, I forget the official saying lol, the female version of "bros before hoes") and I do feel really bad about it... but not really... Which is what I feel worse about. My sister is listening to Jimmy Eat World, who, while I love their music, always make me sad. And to top it off, having asked him to not read my blog, I feel really bad since he obviously wants to, but I would be way too embarassed to write about him in that instance. He keeps asking why he can't, which is making it slightly worse...

I'm altogether rather glum about such little things all put together, and my arms are covered in black permanent marker with Fall Out Gay (concert tomorrow, my friends are delirious with excitement, and rather unintelligible) lyrics, and the word "douche" repeatedly. Just to confirm this, it is also stated that I am the douche; and then I have a couple more pen drawings of what turned out to be an "alien nanny" with an "apron that looks like a penis", and a "tranny mom"... My hip and ankle have also been similarly adorned. While the artwork delights me and I wish I could leave it inked onto my skin forever, my mother has already chucked a spazz at the amount of writing on my arms. Forget about "writing love on her arms", writing douche on her arms is the way to go! [/sarcasm]

Just a small portion of my Sharpie graffiti

For those of you who aren't aware, "douche", at least here in the highly cultivated Adelaide, is the new "loser"/"retard"/etc.

Just as an aside, doesn't the term "fucktard" make you think of custard tarts, or is that just me? And yes, I raise my eyebrows and look down on anyone who actually uses it...

Blogging has cheered me up somewhat, I must confess, but I'm still stuck in a moment of paranoia that as I reveal more of myself to him and he realises that I am even less of "a good good two shoes" as I apparently appear to be in church (which is great, for then I have achieved my aim ;D it's rather awkward to socialise sometimes with my parents and sister around. Although really, it's just another, nicer side of me.), that he will stop liking me, and realise I'm not what he wants at all. I think he sounded slightly dstanced when I was talking to him on MSN just before, but it's MSN for God's sake, and he does have homework he's doing. I always read into things what isn't there, but what if it actually was..?
I'm definitely taking a chance here in actually letting myself really like him... I'm scared it will go wrong.

"I could never be the one that you want, don't ask."


How are you today my blogging friends? (:

xx

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