I know, my posts lately have been few, and apart from those sporadic bursts, far between. I haven't been sleeping much, and thus school work isn't getting done, but I'm actually pretty good lately. I miss having time to blog, but I can barely focus.
Words seem to flee when I hit "Create Post", so my apologies.
I am absolutely headfucked when it comes to doing assignments and concentrating and understanding concepts. I need sleep but I'm at a stage where I'm so used to the lack of it that I can't bring myself to do it. I am growing ever more averse to it, distaste for it growing stronger in my mouth, but I know I need it soon or I will crash and burn. I need my eight hours a night, and more.
My eyes feel like they have had acid applied to them with an eye drop. Which, I can assure you, hasn't occurred.
The days are buzzing with talk of Formal [prom] which isn't till December the 3rd, talk of limousines, dates, dresses, and the after-party. I'm thinking how if things had stayed the way they were, I'd have loved to go with the exbestfriend. Because, well, we were best friends. And it's not like we had anyone else. Now, it's a toss up between my best friend's friend Tahali and my boyfriend, and personally, I'm inclined to go with the former. Don't judge me for not wanting to take my boyfriend simply because he's of the same racial ancestry. It's not that I'm shallow, it's that I worry excessively over what I think people will think...
How do I explain that "my head is screaming Get a grip, girl, unless you're dying to cry your heart out"? Because damnit I like Jimit far too much far too soon. We're just going for casual, I know that. Our friendship, everything between us, ever, has been casual. I hope it develops into more though, but I have to remind myself not to push it. I don't want to kill this, especially since we're both so terrible at relationships. But we have talked about these things a million times, before and even now, and we want essentially the same things, apart from this new desire I find myself having for a serious relationship; and we think the same a lot of the time on the subject. We get along really well and we both really hope this works because we're both sick of shitty short relationships.
There are so many things going for this.
And already I'm scared that I'll fuck it up.
I'll come rewrite this when I'm better, and write it well. For now, if you care this much, I'm sorry but you'll have to make do.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sleepless nights.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Take My Hand, We'll Make It, I Swear,
Whoa,
Living on a Prayer...
Or rather, living on four hours of sleep and a truckload of caffeine. I'm so tired and exhausted, but today was a good day, for the most part. In my sleep deprived state, everything was hilarious; I laughed a lot, but I'd like to think that it wasn't just me; that all those moments were amusing as hell. You know, one of those days, where everyone's on a roll and you love those days, with their continuous awesome ;)
I'm on the phone so I may update this later, I'm way too easily distracted and confused to do more than one things at a time... I suck lol
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Update, Because I Suck at Post Titles.
Well, guys, I meant to post yesterday, but my mind was extremely sleep deprived and words weren't making sense coming out of my mouth. Eight hours of sleep over two nights will do that to you. Or me, at least.
I'm not much better today and if I'd had access to a computer in the morning at school, you'd all have had the many joys of reading another self-pity post. However, many factors contributed, including the lack of sleep. I got my period later today so I guess that was a problem but I also didn't take my Vitamin D tablets the day before and I think that actually had a huge impact... which is slightly worrying. I also overreact to things a lot. What can I say, I'm an overly sensitive soul... To the point where if I actually told people about certain things I get upset over I would be shot. Really.
A friend of mine keeps joking about how I talk too much and wonders why she is even friends with me. I know I know I know that it is just a joke and sometimes I am highly irritating but when it reflects how I used to feel and when I am as already low as I have been, I don't really take it too well, although I try to hide it, how successful I am I can't say. Just little things like that...
I've also, in case you haven't noticed with a post last week or so, I've been breaking things accidentally and being even more clumsy than usual, walking into things, spilling other people's drinks while they are holding it, dropping everything, and it makes me kind of feel like a fuck up at life. It's just getting so bad that it's past the point of amusing. So that has been making me feel sad.
I'm so stupid, I always manage to let little things upset me, even when there are good things happening! Because, I have news. Good news (:
I am going out with Jimit... Which I'm very happy about, and will probably go into more in another post later. I never thought it would actually happen, although we talked about it. But I'm glad it has.
Vinnie, Kathleen's friend who I kinda have a little thing for, but we don't know each other well enough to be anything more than friends, although we get along really well, is planning to ask me to formal at his school. Which, for those of you not from Australia, is prom. Of course, I'm not supposed to know about it yet, but Kat gave me a heads up, obviously. And the thing is, Kat and I were planning to get him to ask me, since both of us wanted me to go, because she goes to the same school as he does. So when he mentioned to her that he wanted to ask me, she was pretty excited, and so was I, in turn.
And the best thing of all, kinda, is that I started talking to those best friends two nights ago. When I say I started, it was more that they initiated it, because, well, I hadn't really had a chance to get around to trying to work out how to talk. Sure, it was only via MSN, but that's better than nothing, right? Only, I wasn't online last night, since... well, I barely ever use it anymore because I only ever really used it to talk to the exbestfriend and one of them, since the other couldn't get internet access at her house at the time. And as to why I say kinda is because I am the paranoid type, who is very unsure. What if they thought it sucked? Since I've seen one of them at school in the two days since, do I say hi? I haven't really been able to since we haven't made eye contact or that kind of thing, you know those awkward moments... So what do I do? I don't know and I'm so nervous and unsure.
Okay. Now that, I've got all of this out on my blog so you know what's happening, I can no longer put off writing a Poetry oral that I must do tomorrow for English Studies. I despise Poetry... Wish me luck!
Night xx
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Good News / Bad News?
I am really missing Chris.
P.S. I really want to someday find someone for me who the lyrics of this song will be just right for -
Here [In Your Arms] - Hellogoodbye Music Code
Update (11.41PM) : I have a confession. I'm delaying getting off the computer as much as I can, even with my mum yelling at me (a lot), because I don't want to go to bed. And to sleep. Where I will be alone.
I'm so scared to be alone. I just want someone, anyone to converse with.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Miscellanenous
I'm so tired. Thank god a major English assignment is finally out of the way. It's not even worth much so I'm just relieved I have done it, it's handed up and I cannot worry about it anymore. It is done. Nearing the end, it was terrible, but like I said, it's not worth much.
I'm writing a story. I need to find my own style again, I've forgotten it a little, and at the moment am leaching of work that I've been reading. That said, you should constructively critique or just let me know your opinion about what I have written on my other blog. I need to hone my writing skills once more, I'm dreadfully out of practice. I'd love for you to be a part of that, it would be extraordinarily helpful.
I am exhausted. Tonight I'm going to get a decent amount of sleep. If I can. The dreams about them are coming back. If they become as regular as they were again, I'm going to give up on sleeping. I do not want the dreams.
As for Chris, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't feel anything more for him that in a friendship way, again maybe its just after being away from him so long, or maybe it's the haircut. ;P But I really am not coping as well as I would like with schoolwork, and with time for homework, time to relax, see my friends and all that, I don't know if this is going to work anyway. I really don't even think I can put in the effort for a relationship. I like having someone to cuddle with and who is around a lot and stuff. But still.
Everything in life is so confusing.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
Currently writhing in the grip of a fearsome headache. Okay, so it's not that bad, but I am assured that my head will shortly explode, with fragments of brain matter and bone splinters splattering the room. All my work on my English Supporting Study for a novel I have come to passionately hate will be soaked through with my blood, impossible to read.
I swear.
I have been minimising sleep for homework's sake. And my reluctance to cut myself off from other human contact. I just... don't want to be alone. This lack of sleep is causing my headaches. Thankfully, the holidays are but a week and a half away.
This study, in which we read and thoroughly annotate everything we can find in the novel, is huge. And due tomorrow. I am approximately halfway through. Themes, author's style, structure, perspective, language, techniques, notable quotes; all to be taken down. It is an exhaustive process, and with the pain of this headache that seeps through every level of my consciousness, I am currently not making much headway. I do not take painkillers after all my instances of overdosing on them, I am far too sensitive to the feeling of it moving through my body, making me feel spaced out, to be able to touch the stuff. My other usual option is to have really strong coffee, but after the incident the other day, I am keen to minimise all caffeine intake.
However, my introduction in my draft for a major essay in another subject was said to be brilliant by the teacher, so I'm pretty thrilled with that. I am determined to do well in the subjects I can now, and pick up in the others over the holidays.
And one thing that makes it all better is currently talking to the ex best friend. Crappy conversation. But it is, after all, who it's with that matters. Even if he is no longer my best friend. He still is himself. And that's why I love him.
I talked to him today, at school. Properly. More than a hello. I didn't even realise until an hour later. I was very tired and distracted at recess, and it was the first time I'd seen him in person since he got his hair cut. It's much shorter than it's been in the longest time, and I was curious, having seen a picture over MSN the night he'd had it cut. I just walked up to him and started rambling about how short his hair was, and not much else. I was also thrown off balance by the fact that Chris was back at school. When I did realise that I had actually talked to the ex best friend, I was slightly shocked. I FREAKIN TALKED TO HIM.
Anyway, Chris is back at school after... two weeks? A bit less, I think. I don't know. It was weird. I had gotten used to things without him. I talked to him a bit, but I was like we were just friends. Maybe it will take a while. I don't know. I don't want to be in a relationship. I hate the idea of it, I'm soo not ready. What am I fucking doing? No idea.
I'm planning on concentrating on schoolwork. It is year twelve, after all. Important. And I want a very high score.
But really, I just want to immerse myself in schoolwork so that maybe I can forget about them.
I don't want to isolate myself though, I went through that for a couple of months last year, and I can't do it. It may recede for a while, but I have a social nature and I care about people and I don't want to let them go. It would be stupid to add to what I have lost.
My head hurts.
P.S. [11.04PM] I think my heart just melted. Sure, my head is still exploding, but my conversation with the ex best friend... We were talking about a band that had memories from our friendship, and I couldn't help myself, I mentioned one of my favourite memories with him that was connected to a song by the band. It was this one night when we had gone for a walk, and went to a local primary school, and sat on the roof together. I said it was "good times" and then added "just randomly.", so that he didn't have to respond to the thought. He said "it was".
I practically melted into the ground. It just, means so much to me that a memory that I treasure meant something good to him. He's not just like "yeah, whatever. It was okay but I don't really care, that's all in the past". I mean, he's probably like that too. But he's not the most verbose of people, and the fact that he said it was a good time makes me happy in a sad, nostalgic way...
Friday, March 27, 2009
I don't really want to drink anymore. I always thought it was stupid. I make no sense, I know.
But anyway, nearly every time I drink something bad happens. Except at my best friend's seventeenth recently; that was fun, and even then, if Chris wasn't, well, if he wasn't who he was, then, well yeah, I'd have just one more thing to regret. Oh and this one other party last year but then I didn't have very much to drink. Those have also been the only two times that I haven't called the ex best friend since. The time before my friend's seventeenth, well, that was bad. I called him about twenty times and left four voice messages on his voicemail. I also called Justin. And then there's the other thing, the thing that I don't really want to talk about yet. I will soon, but not right now.
Drinking is fun sometimes though, with my best friend, with a certain other friend, and with my best friend from school, etc. I just think that in certain situations I should drink less. Even if that means drinking crappy drinks like Pulse and Vodka Cruisers (I'm really not a fan).
I am getting $50 from some guy in my homegroup for swallowing a teaspoon's worth of cinnamon in one go. What to buy? Not credit, since my phone has succumbed to the grave. And this really pretty dress I want is $60. I suppose, if I waited a week, I could get it. I owe a few people money, but no more than ten bucks all up. So many possibilities... I really want new shoes, and new clothes. Not even want, but need. Really.
Sorry for degeneratng into talking about complete random musings here. I really have nothing to write about that comes to mind, except the thing. Like I said, not now.
EDIT: I am so tired. I want to sleep. But I have realised that the thing is, every night when it is time for me to go to bed, I'm almost scared to get off the computer. Some nights I don't even go on until around nine, but I delay and delay leaving because I hate having no connection to other people. Because now I don't have my phone. And I usually have a conversation with someone before I go to bed, be it Chris or my sister or a friend or something, on the phone or in person when with my sister, or even a good conversation over MSN with Nick or the ex best friend, or something. It just helps me sleep better.
I should probably explain just why choosing Chris over Italics Boy was a good idea, especially in hindsight. I know Chris thinks Italics Boy is a total prick after what I told him, but he's not, really. I love how Chris didn't try to convince me to be with him over Italics Boy, but waited until I actually decided for myself. It must have sucked for him. I think I miss him. I wish I didn't get over guys so fast. I don't know.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
"Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me"
Teenagers may "scare the living shit" out of Gerard Way and co., but for me I get that from children at a much younger stage in their lives. Toddlers. They're terrifying! Don't get me wrong, I love kids. No, that's a lie. It would be more correct to say "I love kid". I'm all cool with them when they are in the singular, or perhaps even two together are okay, and I know them on a personal level. When I have actually met them and get to hang out with them and read them storybooks and play their little games and kowtow to their every whim in the hopes of keeping them from screaming uncontrollably. To be fair, perhaps I don't like the competition. I throw pretty big tantrums... But in a hormonal teenager kinda way. You know, the way that would scare the living shit out of My Chemical Romance...
Anyhow. It is the mobs, the hordes, of the little things that cause me to shudder and cringe. [Isn't horde spelt "hoarde"? No, Mozilla Firefox spell check? >.< ...okay.] For example, the horde in the kindergarten that I must pass as I walk home from school every day. In the morning it's fine since they're either arriving or inside, I don't know and I don't really care. It's in the afternoon that they are out in the garden area to play, feeding off each others' boundless energy.
And as their parents pick them up, letting one or two out through the gate in order to take them home (God knows why), I have been known to let out a scream and jump a mile high when one has run past me in their eagerness and probably on a sugar high... I didn't know it was there! And suddenly a little thing shot past me. You'd scream too. Really.
Note how I refer to them as "it" and "thing". Those children are not humans, I swear. Even when in the singular, I do not know them and if they are not within a centimetre's reach of a parent, I do not like them. I do not trust them. They may look cute, sure, but. They are evil. I dare you to convince me otherwise.
Oh, apart from the ones in the library that run to see Solomon the snake in his cage, peering through the glass on tip toes, eager to see him move. That's just funny, entertaining, and I like those ones because they're not scared of snakes. And yes, I still call them "those ones". They can be assigned genders and proper human status when they're older. ;P
Another reason for my specific dislike of the children at this kindergarten in particular - once, while walking past with my sister, a bunch of them lined up at the fence, holding the bars like little prisoners, as they are prone to do. One dropped their hat outside the bars so I picked it up and returned it to them. (I may not like them but I am nice...) On seeing this, the other fiendish minions decided that this was a brilliant new game, and so, to the sounds of delighted peals of laughter, promptly began throwing their hats through the bars for my sister and I to return. I gave up quickly and began to walk off but my sister, helpless and beguiled by their youth and seeming innocence, continued to try to return their hats, fighting a losing battle. It took much urging on my part to bring her to leave. Evil and conniving.
Anyone else have tales of run ins with the evil ones of that age? No? Fine. I stand by this.
I do want to have my own children some day, but for now I'm not really keen on those stages... Hopefully by the time this comes around, I'll have changed my mind.
Don't even get me started on all the other major flaws I see in the process, and fears; such as the eugh-ness of being pregnant, not to mention GIVING BIRTH (I think my mind just died a little at the thought), and what if I had an ugly baby? Even worse, what if when it grew up and through adolescence and its teenage years, it was ugly? I'm not just being superficial here, although, well, I am; but it would most likely get a lot of shit from other people. People are mean. Look at me. And if it was stupid? So many complications, so many variables... That said, I disagree with the concept of Designer Babies.
So I have an essay to write and this post is essential pointless meaningless rambling; as per most of posts, come to think of it. Maybe I should work on the content of this blog... That's what tomorrow's for. Probably for that essay too...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
"Never seen you fall so hard... Do you even know where you are?"
Remember the other day, how I said that I was feeling "glum"? Well, said glumness has returned with a vengeance. I haven't felt this low in a long, long time. It scares me to think that once, I felt this everyday, and worse. Those were terrible times, times when I didn't think I could keep going, but deep within knew that although I didn't know what they were, there were reasons not to give up.
This is bad enough.
I'm pretty sure it's the lack of sleep that is causing me to be so mopey/ weepy/ depressed(i hate using that word)/ whatever it is.
But even as I grow ever more easily upset with him as I talk to him, for no reason; I'll still keep it up just so we can share those pieces of conversation.
He can never get on till about 1 in the morning. I'm exhausted and trust me, I am running on coffee. Not that I'm running, good God, no. I am puttering along, with brief spurts of high energy and average moments; couple with an hour or so of utter exhaustion each day. This can't go on much longer. I'm not adjusting to such little sleep as I usually do after a period of a week. It's been two weeks, or so I believe.
Damnit, if I had known the boy from school two weeks earlier, things with him would never have started. And I've realised, although I'm handling this better than with other prior situations with boys, I'm still freaked out about ruining things with him. He was someone I'd always kinda wanted to end up in a longer term, proper relationship with, when I was ready. Because he was someone decent, unlike the others who I was just with, for the sake of it, I guess. Which is why I'd rather date the boy from school now, if he had liked me. Even though, like I told my sister yesterday, I don't want to be with anyone but him. And I'm scared that this, whatever it is between us now, will go wrong and ruin any possibilities. I don't know what I'm saying.
I need sleep. But I'm waiting for him to come online.
Monday, February 16, 2009
"And it hurts because it should"
I feel very flat at the moment. Yesterday, he kissed me, in the toy section of Myer (random, I know lol. I also happened to not realise and moved, thus making it slightly awkward, as I tend to do... It's only the second time I've done this, and the first was far more awkward! This was still cute lol), and then later, again. I did not expect that, considering how long it took for him to hold my hand (lol). I'm not keen on kissing in public, and I hate those kissing photos so many people have... for a start, it was obviously posed because you're holding the goddamn camera! Does everyone really want to see your faces mushed against each other everytime your profile comes up on MySpazz or Failbook? Is it necessary? Really?
I also do have one of those pictures with Jimit (I'll explain him later), but it was his idea (I'm terrible at saying no to a lot of things, which is how) and I hid my copy of it never to look at again as soon as I got home...
If you want them, that's fine, but as a default pic? Please.
I'm also really not one to make first moves, so that's a definite plus. And I like him a lot. In a more permanent way than usual. Like Jimit, who would be the closest thing to a boyfriend I've had (we've come to an agreement that we will say we actually did go out because we pretty much did unofficially and secretly. Which means I have cheated on a boyfriend, and I felt bad enough about it at the time.), but slower, somehow. Better. Because after my drunken mistake, I'm feeling pretty fragile, like I've said. One guess as to what happened! =/ I'll blog about it soon, I promise...
But anyway, being happy with me only tends to last for a certain amount of a time, and then I grow drained from it. Of course, I am also sleep deprived. I fell asleep today at school in English Studies, as did three of my friends, and then, upon arrival in Biology, walked straight into a door... Lols all around.
I have had a lot of late nights lately, what with MSN and phone calls with him, but last night was an early one. Obviously it's catching up about now.
So, right now, nearly any little thing that goes wrong is making me feel upset, even though I am trying to fight it. I'm slightly, vaguely happy that I am actually trying to fight this instead of just letting it take over like I usually do; that's different. Definitely positive.
His MSN / computer keeps cutting out and he keeps going offline while I'm talking to him; he has no webcam because his dad has taken their family laptop with the inbuilt webcam on a daytrip to Sydney, so I can't see him when I am talking to him; he has a lot of homework and I feel like I am distracting him by talking to him but I still want to... my two friends are kinda mad at me since I broke my rule and ditched them in town yesterday to hang out with him (friends before guys, I forget the official saying lol, the female version of "bros before hoes") and I do feel really bad about it... but not really... Which is what I feel worse about. My sister is listening to Jimmy Eat World, who, while I love their music, always make me sad. And to top it off, having asked him to not read my blog, I feel really bad since he obviously wants to, but I would be way too embarassed to write about him in that instance. He keeps asking why he can't, which is making it slightly worse...
I'm altogether rather glum about such little things all put together, and my arms are covered in black permanent marker with Fall Out Gay (concert tomorrow, my friends are delirious with excitement, and rather unintelligible) lyrics, and the word "douche" repeatedly. Just to confirm this, it is also stated that I am the douche; and then I have a couple more pen drawings of what turned out to be an "alien nanny" with an "apron that looks like a penis", and a "tranny mom"... My hip and ankle have also been similarly adorned. While the artwork delights me and I wish I could leave it inked onto my skin forever, my mother has already chucked a spazz at the amount of writing on my arms. Forget about "writing love on her arms", writing douche on her arms is the way to go! [/sarcasm]
Just a small portion of my Sharpie graffiti
For those of you who aren't aware, "douche", at least here in the highly cultivated Adelaide, is the new "loser"/"retard"/etc.
Just as an aside, doesn't the term "fucktard" make you think of custard tarts, or is that just me? And yes, I raise my eyebrows and look down on anyone who actually uses it...
Blogging has cheered me up somewhat, I must confess, but I'm still stuck in a moment of paranoia that as I reveal more of myself to him and he realises that I am even less of "a good good two shoes" as I apparently appear to be in church (which is great, for then I have achieved my aim ;D it's rather awkward to socialise sometimes with my parents and sister around. Although really, it's just another, nicer side of me.), that he will stop liking me, and realise I'm not what he wants at all. I think he sounded slightly dstanced when I was talking to him on MSN just before, but it's MSN for God's sake, and he does have homework he's doing. I always read into things what isn't there, but what if it actually was..?
I'm definitely taking a chance here in actually letting myself really like him... I'm scared it will go wrong."I could never be the one that you want, don't ask."
How are you today my blogging friends? (:
xx
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Monday, January 12, 2009
I'm mentally spasming
how does it hurt this much?
it's been almost 5 months...
maybe more
it's almost her birthday
in 19 days!
i never thought this would go on for so long
i can feel it physically
after that last dream, i want to sleep all the time. because it gave me a possible future that i want but don't think is coming...
i feel so unnecessary.
Flash Player Codes by mailboxdrive.com
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
SHAZZ
i've been trying to comment your last post but it won't let me, our internet connection is practically dead atm >=|
anyhow.. there are gardening shows on at this time...?
and do they have those porn ads in between still..
i'd also like to point out the fact that i am, in fact, not sleeping. although i'm not watching any tv at all either...
also, just personally, creeped out by the idea of the Sandman. I think the reason is an Enid Blyton book... one of The Wishing Chair ones? No, no, Faraway Tree, and they end up in a bed and the Sandman chucks sand in their eyes and they fall asleep and the bed turns into different things but then whats her face, umm something wash a lot and whatshisname come up too and she wets the sack and then whatshisface slits the sack at the bottom and takes dry sand and throws it in the Sandman's eyes so he falls asleep and then they all maneuvre the bed out of the hole down the tree somehow, they have something that they use to make the bed fly...? so i guess the whole idea of the sandman slightly disturbed me since he was like some awful man who would have trapped them there once the land moved away from the tree...
:/
lol
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Apologies, Glances and Messed up Chances
I miss him so much.
It physically hurts.
And I know he doesn't care.
No way am I going to sleep early tonight, not after my dreams two nights ago.
I can't stand this.
I want him back.
I want my fucking best friend back.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Trapped
Perhaps "Alone" is rather a more appropriate title than "Trapped", or "Lonely", "Isolation", "Cut off"... or even "The Fear of Falling"...
hah. Well, see, it's 11.11. My sister + my mum have collaborated together to remove the internet cable, so, since I have no credit, access to my dad's phone, blah blah, not to mention of course not the home phone, I am completely cut off from any outside contact. By the way, make a wish quickly :P
I am not superstitious in regards to making wishes, whether at 11.11 or on shooting stars, or anything. I am not very superstitious at all...
And yet, the romanticism of the idea of wishing on a star, or at 11.11, is something that strikes me.
I like to at least make note of the idea... How I wish magic was real. How many times I have gone over this with Jake, or that Star Wars was real lol.
It is somewhat the same in how I wish life was a musical, where everyone could break into song and synchronised dance, knowing all the words with everyone being to sing well, and cars would magically stop driving along a particular stretch of road as you and a bunch of other people burst out and began singing + dancing along it. hah. I guess one can see from this that I have a longing for a life that is unrealistic, a movie or storybook tale... Not in a completely delusional way, but I wish that it were real all the same. I love the idea of those things, I would love for them to be true, they capture my fancy in a way that has held me since I was young, although I never believed in any of it then either.
Mmm moving on. I hate when I get like this, I want to work out with Emma if I'm going to be able to meet up with her briefly tomorrow while we're both in town / the bay, eee I'm heaps excited for if I see her but I don't know coz I can't get on MySpace, she might be getting her phone taken off her coz she keeps going over her cap and, there's the whole, not having credit either, but then she doesn't have my number I don't think anyway. Agh. I keep saying "eee", I hated it when I first saw people using that lol. Sigh.
But when I say, "when I get like this", I mean get into this situation. It's not even not contacting people, it's more knowing that if I needed to, I can't get in touch with anyone. And I like to have that reassurance. Not having that freaks me out. It really stresses me and thus makes something wrong so that I do need to be able to talk to someone to calm down, and then I can't. It's terrible. I have a slight tightness in my chest, but not too bad. I'm ignoring it, as per usual.
This is going to be posted sometime tomorrow morning. I'm so tempted to let myself sleep, I fell asleep for maybe an hour at around 6 this evening, but obviously still so sleep deprived, okay I have been sleeping in the spare room for the last week or so, which is where the computer is. I made myself a playlist of songs I would like to sleep to. This playlist is 6 hours long. I put it on just before I go to sleep, falling asleep is not a problem because I have already kept myself up way too late. And not once yet has that list played all the way through.
I am sleeping far less than 6 hours every night. But I cannot bear the dreams. As it is, I still get them a little. But not so often. And that is a relief.
Mmm I'm thinking I might go sit outside on the driveway, watch the cars go by, the lights up on the hill. My eyes will inevitably, at a number of times, be drawn to Jake's house, not surprising considering it's dead ahead. I'll remember so much, all the times I have waited for him at that very spot, when we went for walks. I miss that. I used to be terrified of the dark. But it's not so bad. Not the dark so much as the shadows, not so much the shadows as what could be hidden in them. I have something of a fertile imagination, and a touch of paranoia.
I'll remember conversations we've had, moments we shared. And I will miss him more than anything and it's highly likely I will have the urge to hurt myself, especially considering I have there before, there's a lot of blood been seeped into those pavers, a lot of pain around there, if inanimate objects can take on a little of the emotions they are subjected to. Another thing I don't believe in but would like to be real.
I won't give in, of course. But it's the temptation I don't like. And I am so tired, so tired. There have been times in the past I have sat there, so drowsy I have become fearful of falling asleep, but taking another 20 or so minutes to gather the strength to get up and come back inside, that drained of energy. I need sleep, I know, I can't go on like this. But I am hope hope hoping this matter will be resolved soon enough that I will soon be able to sleep without fear of repercussion in the form of dreams I can't stand. They're not nightmares. It is, in part, the feeling I experience when I wake and know that the dreams aren't reality, that is so... off putting, to completely miss the mark in description. Or, the opposite, to be glad it is not like it was in the dreams, but the thought so dreadful I cannot rid it from my mind fast enough. Even my occasional dreams of friends or family dying don't deter me from sleep, because I know they are just that. Occasional. The last one being about Jake. Waking up crying. I texted him, the time being something like 5 am, wanting to ask if he was okay, but knowing it was stupid, that it was only a dream. Still fearful. Just "I love you". Eventually returning to sleep. His reply at a reasonable hour that morning, "I love you too." My eventual explanation.
What I would give to have him say that to me now. My favourite message on my phone, I loved it at the time but now it is incredibly bittersweet; "I walked into a wall just now. I love you :)"
It made me so happy, he not being the kind to say "I love you" often at all, and barely ever first off, more often in reply. It was pretty funny. This was at about 2.39 in the morning, just having gotten off MSN to each other. Another thing I would give anything to have now, talking to each other on MSN till he left or I fell asleep aha. And that was one of the cutest messages.
Yeah in case you hadn't guessed, I'm leaving sitting out on the driveway for another night. This is making me feel less lonely, writing this. It's like talking to someone else. Like, in hospital. That night. Phone w/ credit dead. Then my new, broken phone running out of battery, since it barely had any, thus no music. Thankfully I had my diary key in my pocket of my jeans randomly that day. And so I got mum to bring me my diary. Hah I wonder what she would do to be able to look inside that bag ^_^
I ended writing in my diary till 2 30 or something, that morning, just talking about stuff, I didn't want to recount what happened, so I told my diary it would have to wait, and just talked about so much stuff. It's kindah like talking to someone else, as I said ^^^. It really helped. I treat my diary like a person. I write to it as I would talk to another person, as I would talk to another me I suppose. Because I know it is trustworthy, it understands me, for it is me after all. I keep a diary for various reasons, and I try to keep in mind that I will change, even more than I already have, and in many years to come, I may not think in the same way whatsoever. So I do give as much explanation as I can, and also in the even that someone else may read it, should I ever choose to let them. Shazz has read bits and pieces of my diary from year 9, late last year, and even though then it was over a year old, and did, indeed seem trivial, I was incredibly uncomfortable about it, although I let her. Ashlea, in year 8, read bits of my diary from year 7, but same deal there. I don't know. In the future, yeah I might be okay with someone reading really old stuff, but I dunno. I'm a fairly open person, but there is a point where it breaches my level of comfort in regards to privacy.
My counsellor suggested that some day she may be able to see my diary. ^_^ I hate saying "my counsellor". Ew I have a regular counsellor. How fucked up does that make me sound/ feel. Egh. I know, I know, blah blah it's not, etc etc, but the facts don't change the way I feel. Ehhh
Mmm I heaps like her though, even though Miss Cynical Toivoa is all like blah blah she only does it for the money blah blah. Shut up. Anyhow, I dunno. Seriously considering it, I immediately shy away from the idea. Of course. And she understands that.
But part of me wants to, the part that craaaaves other people to understand me. Of course this part also expects that people will understand me at my deepest levels and also accept me... This part is unrealistic and I know that. There are some people who would be able to do that, and some who wouldn't. "It takes all types to make the world go 'round" and all that. I accept that. But there is still that annoying, extremely needy part of me that wants that. And perhaps a part of me that wants to expose myself, hoping that I will be accepted, not even expecting that acceptance, but praying desperately that Toivoa, all her flaws and failures, everything she is, will be good enough for other people when they see it. Yes, that is a definite. I love analysing myself lol.
Particularly since she suggested it. ^_^
If I had thought of it myself, I wouldn't have seriously considered it because I would not want to inconvenience her. How many people really really want to be able to see inside another's mind? Oh, they might think they do, but if they had the chance, would they realise that was a bad idea? I think a lot of people might regret such a want.
I am very tentative at the risk of being a burden to other people, I am more past the stage of not wanting to offend people to the point where I agree with most things they say, trivial things. I have always tended to stand up for the things I really believe in, but in a number of things, I used to try to agree with everyone, not wanting to give anyone the chance to dislike me. However, I am, thankfully, past that, since it is ridiculous to think that a disagreeable on something would necessarily be off putting to another. Different viewpoints are the things that add flavour and diversity to life. Who's to say just one of these is right? It may be that one, or more, or all are correct. Or none, even.
Let me just state here that I do not believe truth is relative. Regardless of whether one believes in Santa or not, the truth is that he does not exist. Or if, per se, I am wrong, and Santa does exist, regardless of my belief that he doesn't, he still does. ^_^ yes? I am not entirely sure of what "per se" means or it's correct usage, soooo forgive me if that doesn't work, and I don't think it does, quite. hahaha ;P
Anyhow, thankfully, I am well past that phase in my life. Yet this still "not wanting to be troublesome to others in any possible way" concept of mine is sometimes taken a bit to the extreme. Sigh.
I suppose it will lower with the rise of my self esteem. Hah I love this accepting myself thing. It's rather intoxicating, being okay with who I am as a person. Eeeee (: Not thinking I am great, but thinking that I am equal to others, thinking my opinions are worth something, that I am worth something. It is amazing, after having been so negative towards myself all these years. I really cannot explain the feeling it gives me at times. Mmm
Oh, it's 12.08AM.
But I can honestly say, I am considering it, this diary thing. Not ready yet, but it's a possibility, maybe, a bit further down the line. Who knows? The future is ahead of me, filled with innumerous possibilities, and this road could lead anywhere.
xx
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