If you have noticed, yes, my last three posts, including this one, have all been titled with lyrics from the same Shannon Noll (Australian Idol runner up years back) song. Yes, Shannon Noll. I know that's shameful for several reasons, but shhh. ;P
The last two were untitled and I happen to be listening to the song in question, and the lyrics seemed to (sorta) fit. Come to think of it, vast amounts of Backstreet Boys lyrics would probably be appropriate for my posts... Yeah that's definitely cause for shame ;P
I hate untitled posts.
I just remembered a dream I had on Friday night which terrified me so much I could not sleep again for hours. The friends, my best friends, although I don't know if I can call them that anymore, although in my mind they still are, and always will be; not the ex best friend (we are talking a little, still), but the other two, were the main feature in it. Nick was in it a little also, and various other people. It was so horrifyingly realistic that right now I want to stop my mind.
I hate the coincidental glances that have the shock of the unexpected moments of eye contact, and I wonder if the deadness I see is reflected in my eyes. It's definitely not reflected within. When I'm taken especially by surprise I literally feel sick.
I don't understand how it could get to this point.
And I can't explain the dream, my remembrance of it has already faded but left me with a dread I can't quite encapsulate in words. This whole thing is so... wrong.
I need some coffee.
Monday, March 23, 2009
"When I look into your eyes, there's nothing quite as sad as goodbye"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
"Never seen you fall so hard... Do you even know where you are?"
Remember the other day, how I said that I was feeling "glum"? Well, said glumness has returned with a vengeance. I haven't felt this low in a long, long time. It scares me to think that once, I felt this everyday, and worse. Those were terrible times, times when I didn't think I could keep going, but deep within knew that although I didn't know what they were, there were reasons not to give up.
This is bad enough.
I'm pretty sure it's the lack of sleep that is causing me to be so mopey/ weepy/ depressed(i hate using that word)/ whatever it is.
But even as I grow ever more easily upset with him as I talk to him, for no reason; I'll still keep it up just so we can share those pieces of conversation.
He can never get on till about 1 in the morning. I'm exhausted and trust me, I am running on coffee. Not that I'm running, good God, no. I am puttering along, with brief spurts of high energy and average moments; couple with an hour or so of utter exhaustion each day. This can't go on much longer. I'm not adjusting to such little sleep as I usually do after a period of a week. It's been two weeks, or so I believe.
Damnit, if I had known the boy from school two weeks earlier, things with him would never have started. And I've realised, although I'm handling this better than with other prior situations with boys, I'm still freaked out about ruining things with him. He was someone I'd always kinda wanted to end up in a longer term, proper relationship with, when I was ready. Because he was someone decent, unlike the others who I was just with, for the sake of it, I guess. Which is why I'd rather date the boy from school now, if he had liked me. Even though, like I told my sister yesterday, I don't want to be with anyone but him. And I'm scared that this, whatever it is between us now, will go wrong and ruin any possibilities. I don't know what I'm saying.
I need sleep. But I'm waiting for him to come online.
Walls
If I could, I would tear down the walls that exist between my best friends and I. I would let nothing come between us ever again, for nothing ever should. These walls that now exist are more painful than any other form of loss, for we are still in proximity to each other, still in the same circles, but separated by something more powerful and terrible than space and time; too much hurt and loss of trust, but not yet a loss of love.
Click here.
Monday, February 16, 2009
"And it hurts because it should"
I feel very flat at the moment. Yesterday, he kissed me, in the toy section of Myer (random, I know lol. I also happened to not realise and moved, thus making it slightly awkward, as I tend to do... It's only the second time I've done this, and the first was far more awkward! This was still cute lol), and then later, again. I did not expect that, considering how long it took for him to hold my hand (lol). I'm not keen on kissing in public, and I hate those kissing photos so many people have... for a start, it was obviously posed because you're holding the goddamn camera! Does everyone really want to see your faces mushed against each other everytime your profile comes up on MySpazz or Failbook? Is it necessary? Really?
I also do have one of those pictures with Jimit (I'll explain him later), but it was his idea (I'm terrible at saying no to a lot of things, which is how) and I hid my copy of it never to look at again as soon as I got home...
If you want them, that's fine, but as a default pic? Please.
I'm also really not one to make first moves, so that's a definite plus. And I like him a lot. In a more permanent way than usual. Like Jimit, who would be the closest thing to a boyfriend I've had (we've come to an agreement that we will say we actually did go out because we pretty much did unofficially and secretly. Which means I have cheated on a boyfriend, and I felt bad enough about it at the time.), but slower, somehow. Better. Because after my drunken mistake, I'm feeling pretty fragile, like I've said. One guess as to what happened! =/ I'll blog about it soon, I promise...
But anyway, being happy with me only tends to last for a certain amount of a time, and then I grow drained from it. Of course, I am also sleep deprived. I fell asleep today at school in English Studies, as did three of my friends, and then, upon arrival in Biology, walked straight into a door... Lols all around.
I have had a lot of late nights lately, what with MSN and phone calls with him, but last night was an early one. Obviously it's catching up about now.
So, right now, nearly any little thing that goes wrong is making me feel upset, even though I am trying to fight it. I'm slightly, vaguely happy that I am actually trying to fight this instead of just letting it take over like I usually do; that's different. Definitely positive.
His MSN / computer keeps cutting out and he keeps going offline while I'm talking to him; he has no webcam because his dad has taken their family laptop with the inbuilt webcam on a daytrip to Sydney, so I can't see him when I am talking to him; he has a lot of homework and I feel like I am distracting him by talking to him but I still want to... my two friends are kinda mad at me since I broke my rule and ditched them in town yesterday to hang out with him (friends before guys, I forget the official saying lol, the female version of "bros before hoes") and I do feel really bad about it... but not really... Which is what I feel worse about. My sister is listening to Jimmy Eat World, who, while I love their music, always make me sad. And to top it off, having asked him to not read my blog, I feel really bad since he obviously wants to, but I would be way too embarassed to write about him in that instance. He keeps asking why he can't, which is making it slightly worse...
I'm altogether rather glum about such little things all put together, and my arms are covered in black permanent marker with Fall Out Gay (concert tomorrow, my friends are delirious with excitement, and rather unintelligible) lyrics, and the word "douche" repeatedly. Just to confirm this, it is also stated that I am the douche; and then I have a couple more pen drawings of what turned out to be an "alien nanny" with an "apron that looks like a penis", and a "tranny mom"... My hip and ankle have also been similarly adorned. While the artwork delights me and I wish I could leave it inked onto my skin forever, my mother has already chucked a spazz at the amount of writing on my arms. Forget about "writing love on her arms", writing douche on her arms is the way to go! [/sarcasm]
Just a small portion of my Sharpie graffiti
For those of you who aren't aware, "douche", at least here in the highly cultivated Adelaide, is the new "loser"/"retard"/etc.
Just as an aside, doesn't the term "fucktard" make you think of custard tarts, or is that just me? And yes, I raise my eyebrows and look down on anyone who actually uses it...
Blogging has cheered me up somewhat, I must confess, but I'm still stuck in a moment of paranoia that as I reveal more of myself to him and he realises that I am even less of "a good good two shoes" as I apparently appear to be in church (which is great, for then I have achieved my aim ;D it's rather awkward to socialise sometimes with my parents and sister around. Although really, it's just another, nicer side of me.), that he will stop liking me, and realise I'm not what he wants at all. I think he sounded slightly dstanced when I was talking to him on MSN just before, but it's MSN for God's sake, and he does have homework he's doing. I always read into things what isn't there, but what if it actually was..?
I'm definitely taking a chance here in actually letting myself really like him... I'm scared it will go wrong."I could never be the one that you want, don't ask."
How are you today my blogging friends? (:
xx
Click for more.
Posts
