why are you asking? you're not supposed to care! we're talking again, but still!
i don't even know why i'm so scared of this, but i don't want to hurt you evereverever and, well, if you care
of course i want you to care, but ...
:(
it's always more complicated than that.
update: i missed you so much$
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
'Global' is not a nice idea. Global is reality.
I want to live by this quote every day. I must say, I forget, a lot. But it is something I try to remind myself of, for it is of utmost importance.
“…Every story matters, every life matters. We say that pain is real and that it deserves our attention. We say that people need other people. We would be following an awful trend if we bought into the idea that these things somehow only apply to people who live where we live, or speak the language we speak. There is distance in the borders and the barriers. Distance more with all the seas. The danger in the distance is that a great lie gets whispered. i don’t hear it, but i feel it when i see the pictures on the news. The lie i’m talking about says something like this: “It’s okay. This is happening far away. Those people are different. This doesn’t affect you. It doesn’t matter that much.”
It’s easy to believe that our own problems are the only problems in the world. It feels true at times. Maybe a lot of the time. But the better thing might be to believe that we are one…
‘Global’ is not a nice idea. Global is reality. Let’s be the generation that realises this.”
- Jamie Tworkowski, of To Write Love On Her Arms
Now, for some other housekeeping
- I have begun using my Tumblr, for those few of you who read my blog hosted elsewhere and utterly anonymous, you'll have access to that.
- If you do want access to this other blog, just email me. Toivoa.ja.elaman@gmail.com
- If your name is Sacha or Becca, please go follow this. It's for/to you/me/us. I'm thinking of making it private anyway so I'll probably add you via email and then limit access shortly. Plus if we're going to continue communicating via blogs at all, I'll just give you author access so you can post on there.
Das ist alle, danke.
"I'll be Missing You"
hahaha, you'll remember. your proof...
If I "don't even really miss you anymore", then why is it that seeing you makes me panic? And three words from you have me in turmoil for the next hour? Just "How's it going?" I fumbled some ridiculous response... way to go looking like a complete dumbass Toivoa.
... I'd almost forgotten the sound of your voice. And now I've heard it again, I want to hear it all the time. I want you to talk to me like one of the others do. I talk to her heaps now, while I just don't really get that many chances with the other friend.
I want to see you laugh, and I really want to see you smile because even though you hate [hated?] smiling, I found it pretty much the most adorable thing ever.
You know what I miss? Those days when seeing you brought a huge smile to my face, and yours too, and I'd run at you and give you a massive, long hug; and you'd hug me back just as tightly. I loved that I knew you cared about me when you lacked any real response to so much else, and when you told me so, when you said "I love you" just because you wanted to say it and because you meant it. I loveloveloved our friendship. I lovelovelove you.
... but I think that's fading.
And even though I'm beginning to accept that,
I just still really really would give anything to be friends with you again.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
"Just going through the motions"
Today, as of 15 minutes ago when it began, happens to be the exbestfriend's birthday. make that 16. He's 17 today.
I don't think I can even make myself miss him anymore.
I don't want that; I want to keep missing him like it's been a week since our lives so suddenly and utterly diverged.
Is it still healing if you're fighting it with everything you've got; if it's the last thing you want?
I do not want this.
I loved love you.
I don't want to let this go.
Friday, June 5, 2009
time does strange things. but then, so do i.
i refuse to miss you when i see you walking past, when you're behind me in the canteen line, when we're standing a metre apart in the same room. i refuse to acknowledge you as more than a stranger; beyond that, your presence is irrelevant.
because it's what i've learnt to do.
and because if i let just one thought through, it's opening the floodgates to a veritable deluge of memories and emotions and i can feel my eyes growing darker, darker, pooling to black as i am flooded; although i know this is not visible.
sometimes i even have to stop and think; best friend, do i miss you any more? the answer is still yes, but i'm getting better at forgetting...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
"What in the world's come over me?"
Having a boyfriend who's so thin makes me want to cry. Or stop eating for a week. Or stick my fingers down my throat.
Whatever works.
Because I'm scared he'll judge me like I judge myself; that even though he likes me it won't be enough just because I'm not that pretty and my body isn't that great either and I'm scared that he'll realise I'm not so hot and not someone he wants to be seen with (which he doesn't anyway by his relatives and the like but that's for a perfectly justifiable reason aka although he's 18 he's not allowed to date and would be shot if he was found to), and he will stop liking me.
It is so much easier to be confident when we were just friends with benefits coz damn, I knew he wouldn't kiss me if he didn't find me attractive. And I know it makes no sense as to why he would lose that now that we're a couple, but I've never been one to work by logic, even at the best of times.
I hate that I care so much. But this relationship has been a long long time coming, even though I never thought it actually would, and I want it to last for a long, long time too...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sleepless nights.
I know, my posts lately have been few, and apart from those sporadic bursts, far between. I haven't been sleeping much, and thus school work isn't getting done, but I'm actually pretty good lately. I miss having time to blog, but I can barely focus.
Words seem to flee when I hit "Create Post", so my apologies.
I am absolutely headfucked when it comes to doing assignments and concentrating and understanding concepts. I need sleep but I'm at a stage where I'm so used to the lack of it that I can't bring myself to do it. I am growing ever more averse to it, distaste for it growing stronger in my mouth, but I know I need it soon or I will crash and burn. I need my eight hours a night, and more.
My eyes feel like they have had acid applied to them with an eye drop. Which, I can assure you, hasn't occurred.
The days are buzzing with talk of Formal [prom] which isn't till December the 3rd, talk of limousines, dates, dresses, and the after-party. I'm thinking how if things had stayed the way they were, I'd have loved to go with the exbestfriend. Because, well, we were best friends. And it's not like we had anyone else. Now, it's a toss up between my best friend's friend Tahali and my boyfriend, and personally, I'm inclined to go with the former. Don't judge me for not wanting to take my boyfriend simply because he's of the same racial ancestry. It's not that I'm shallow, it's that I worry excessively over what I think people will think...
How do I explain that "my head is screaming Get a grip, girl, unless you're dying to cry your heart out"? Because damnit I like Jimit far too much far too soon. We're just going for casual, I know that. Our friendship, everything between us, ever, has been casual. I hope it develops into more though, but I have to remind myself not to push it. I don't want to kill this, especially since we're both so terrible at relationships. But we have talked about these things a million times, before and even now, and we want essentially the same things, apart from this new desire I find myself having for a serious relationship; and we think the same a lot of the time on the subject. We get along really well and we both really hope this works because we're both sick of shitty short relationships.
There are so many things going for this.
And already I'm scared that I'll fuck it up.
I'll come rewrite this when I'm better, and write it well. For now, if you care this much, I'm sorry but you'll have to make do.
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