I'd like to take a rain check on life. Hit that pause button for me, will you? Maybe when we start spinning this record again I can stop it from skipping. Don't even know how to jump start a car, how the hell do I jump start my life? You might say my mother and the doctors did that for me over seventeen years ago, well then I'm still trying to learn how to drive. Cliché after cliché but then they say it as well as my own words more than half the time anyway. Basically I know I'm fucking up but it's like I'm in a tailspin and can't pull up, could you help me if I had a Mayday Parade? Seems like that's my life these days, incorporating lyrics, book, movie quotes and band names into everyday conversation, lines from advertisements when i "hate watching TV" and speaking like my boyfriend. Spent hours on the phone last night not really listening, picturing blood everywhere instead, smeared on the walls. Pictured cutting all up my body from above my ankles to the base of my neck, as much as possible, and in detail. When I finally stopped, began to talk, because he wouldn't leave - he knew there was something - I tried to explain with words that I missed the exhilaration, and the way that despite ourselves, we become competitive and how his talking about Rachel has got me wanting more more more, why didn't I do more? I couldn't now, not to myself nor to them but some times I wish I could go back to when I could reduce my world to blood and pain and the next cut, to how deep I could go and how much. These days I'd look for the same thing in a bottle, and some days I just wanna get trashed so bad, just so I can forget, for a while. Is it obvious I can't cope? I'm not quite ready to be independent and last night I wondered if I cut myself till I collapsed on the floor, if I was found by morning still alive, when I got out of hospital could mum then let me see her again, the counsellor who was amazing when I was so skeptical although ready for something like that. Don't even know what it means to get by on my own and I know that makes me pathetic. I have such hopes but I can't see them through, I can't put in what I need to and it hurts more than anything to see your disappointment, when we all know I could do so much better. I'm a mess and I can't stand it.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sleepless nights.
I know, my posts lately have been few, and apart from those sporadic bursts, far between. I haven't been sleeping much, and thus school work isn't getting done, but I'm actually pretty good lately. I miss having time to blog, but I can barely focus.
Words seem to flee when I hit "Create Post", so my apologies.
I am absolutely headfucked when it comes to doing assignments and concentrating and understanding concepts. I need sleep but I'm at a stage where I'm so used to the lack of it that I can't bring myself to do it. I am growing ever more averse to it, distaste for it growing stronger in my mouth, but I know I need it soon or I will crash and burn. I need my eight hours a night, and more.
My eyes feel like they have had acid applied to them with an eye drop. Which, I can assure you, hasn't occurred.
The days are buzzing with talk of Formal [prom] which isn't till December the 3rd, talk of limousines, dates, dresses, and the after-party. I'm thinking how if things had stayed the way they were, I'd have loved to go with the exbestfriend. Because, well, we were best friends. And it's not like we had anyone else. Now, it's a toss up between my best friend's friend Tahali and my boyfriend, and personally, I'm inclined to go with the former. Don't judge me for not wanting to take my boyfriend simply because he's of the same racial ancestry. It's not that I'm shallow, it's that I worry excessively over what I think people will think...
How do I explain that "my head is screaming Get a grip, girl, unless you're dying to cry your heart out"? Because damnit I like Jimit far too much far too soon. We're just going for casual, I know that. Our friendship, everything between us, ever, has been casual. I hope it develops into more though, but I have to remind myself not to push it. I don't want to kill this, especially since we're both so terrible at relationships. But we have talked about these things a million times, before and even now, and we want essentially the same things, apart from this new desire I find myself having for a serious relationship; and we think the same a lot of the time on the subject. We get along really well and we both really hope this works because we're both sick of shitty short relationships.
There are so many things going for this.
And already I'm scared that I'll fuck it up.
I'll come rewrite this when I'm better, and write it well. For now, if you care this much, I'm sorry but you'll have to make do.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Zu dir, meine liebe Schwester,
You terrified me today.
I had a Biology test today that is rather weighty in terms of the whole year and which, admittedly, I spent nowhere near enough time studying for. You have no idea how scared I was for you. I don't cry easily in front of others who aren't family, but for a few minutes I had to struggle to stop shaking. Do you know how much I love you? Of course you do, for you feel the same in return, I know so, no matter the troubles.
Most of you would know that my sister is something of a source of worry to me. We are very close and I care about her far more than I could ever hope to express. I am fiercely protective of her.
She is going on a school ski trip later this year, and as such, must participate in training at the gym on Friday mornings before school. While studying during my double free before recess, after which was my Bio test, a friend of hers mentioned that she'd been feeling sick in homegroup and looked as though she was about to faint.
I've never fainted but she has once before, and is very easily affected by things like lack of sleep or painkillers or sleeping tablets, when she was barely sleeping. After taking thpse I hear it was as though she was tripping, since I wasn't present, and I've seen the same thing happen to her at least once with Panadol, although I don't believe to the same extent.
She doesn't always eat breakfast and while I rrarely do myself, I cope very well with lack of food, and besides I eat fine otherwise. She also subjects herself to rigorous excercise and sometimes her food intake is limited to foods such as celery, carrots, and other vegetables, although she's a bit better since that stage. I worry about her.
At recess, another of her friends that I bumped into and asked about her told me that she had looked pretty sick in ski trip training as well. shit. I immediately went to find her, just to check on her. She wasn't with her friends but I was told she was with a friend in the canteen line, so I headed off there. As she turned around in response to my touching her on the shoulder, she stumbled. I can't explain how worried that made me. She looked unwell too, you could see it. As she had no money or food, her friend was buying her orange juice. I asked if she could get her something, and my sister protested that she didn't want her to spend money on her, which neither of us cared about. As they entered the canteen I left, since it didn't seem incredibly bad, and managed to distract myself fairly well.
I did text my dad from a friend's phone, and so he called her, which she wasn't too happy with, but I felt he should try to talk to her, since she didn't want to go home either.
Walking to Biology at the end of recess, I wanted to see her again, but she would have already gone to class and in the ten minutes before our teacher arrived, I managed to panic, and started crying and shaking.
I'll admit, while I was worried, I was half considering whether or not I could also use it to get out of the test until Monday, once I had studied sufficiently, and while I felt ashamed of that, I did really want to be with her and make sure she was okay.
The first few minutes of the test were terrible, but I managed to calm myself down, and after it was over I checked and she was much better, having also eaten.
I don't know how I did on the test though, and I hope I did well, since it seemed relatively simple.
In second to last lesson, she told me that she was thinking of going to the gym again after school, so that I could tell mum when I got home, and I absolutely freaked, emphasising how there was no freaking way in hell she should go to the gym, regardless of whether she felt better or not.
Thankfully, she didn't.
Ughh, I love her so much, I hate feeling so helpless. Although there have been worse times, when I have had to stand by and let things take their course, and it kills me.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Update, Because I Suck at Post Titles.
Well, guys, I meant to post yesterday, but my mind was extremely sleep deprived and words weren't making sense coming out of my mouth. Eight hours of sleep over two nights will do that to you. Or me, at least.
I'm not much better today and if I'd had access to a computer in the morning at school, you'd all have had the many joys of reading another self-pity post. However, many factors contributed, including the lack of sleep. I got my period later today so I guess that was a problem but I also didn't take my Vitamin D tablets the day before and I think that actually had a huge impact... which is slightly worrying. I also overreact to things a lot. What can I say, I'm an overly sensitive soul... To the point where if I actually told people about certain things I get upset over I would be shot. Really.
A friend of mine keeps joking about how I talk too much and wonders why she is even friends with me. I know I know I know that it is just a joke and sometimes I am highly irritating but when it reflects how I used to feel and when I am as already low as I have been, I don't really take it too well, although I try to hide it, how successful I am I can't say. Just little things like that...
I've also, in case you haven't noticed with a post last week or so, I've been breaking things accidentally and being even more clumsy than usual, walking into things, spilling other people's drinks while they are holding it, dropping everything, and it makes me kind of feel like a fuck up at life. It's just getting so bad that it's past the point of amusing. So that has been making me feel sad.
I'm so stupid, I always manage to let little things upset me, even when there are good things happening! Because, I have news. Good news (:
I am going out with Jimit... Which I'm very happy about, and will probably go into more in another post later. I never thought it would actually happen, although we talked about it. But I'm glad it has.
Vinnie, Kathleen's friend who I kinda have a little thing for, but we don't know each other well enough to be anything more than friends, although we get along really well, is planning to ask me to formal at his school. Which, for those of you not from Australia, is prom. Of course, I'm not supposed to know about it yet, but Kat gave me a heads up, obviously. And the thing is, Kat and I were planning to get him to ask me, since both of us wanted me to go, because she goes to the same school as he does. So when he mentioned to her that he wanted to ask me, she was pretty excited, and so was I, in turn.
And the best thing of all, kinda, is that I started talking to those best friends two nights ago. When I say I started, it was more that they initiated it, because, well, I hadn't really had a chance to get around to trying to work out how to talk. Sure, it was only via MSN, but that's better than nothing, right? Only, I wasn't online last night, since... well, I barely ever use it anymore because I only ever really used it to talk to the exbestfriend and one of them, since the other couldn't get internet access at her house at the time. And as to why I say kinda is because I am the paranoid type, who is very unsure. What if they thought it sucked? Since I've seen one of them at school in the two days since, do I say hi? I haven't really been able to since we haven't made eye contact or that kind of thing, you know those awkward moments... So what do I do? I don't know and I'm so nervous and unsure.
Okay. Now that, I've got all of this out on my blog so you know what's happening, I can no longer put off writing a Poetry oral that I must do tomorrow for English Studies. I despise Poetry... Wish me luck!
Night xx
Sunday, April 26, 2009
"I live on raw emotion, baby"
I meant to write a brilliantly eloquent post yesterday about ANZAC Day; however, this evil beast named homework had me in its fearsome grip. I did (half) kick its ass, but I still have some catch up work to do and we go back to school tomorrow, so apart from my nightly phone call with Jimit, and the one I just concluded with him, I’ve had no contact with the outer world since Friday evening… Unless you count church. Which I don’t.
On the topic of church, though, in paying attention I was challenged today. Not a Christian and all that, but even on another note, I am far too argumentative and unwilling to help out, particularly with family. I mean to work on that, so let’s see how that goes.
I had a brilliant topic to post about but it has crawled out of my head and is trembling on some high ledge somewhere, about to jump. Thanks, you’ve been a lot of help (I hate you). So I’m all out of sleep and blog fodder (For this blog in particular at least), and I’m listening to Maroon 5. Confession – I cannot get enough of boy bands. Backstreet Boys, LMNT (look them up), Maroon 5, Matchbox 20 – I can’t help it. The Beach Boys, Kelly Clarkson and Daniel Bedingfield all feature in my iTunes. The shame, the shame. Or rather, the guilty pleasure. This is not at all what I wanted to speak of, and more like something I’d aim to post on Let's Talk About The Tour Guide but whatever Trevor, we can’t always get what we want and I have a fabulous post idea lined up there. I need sleep (or a coffee).
Is “fabulous” really spelt like that? It just looks wrong to me…
Anyhow.
The school holidays are over for me at 11.59PM tonight, and it’s back to school for another gruelling ten weeks. Year 12 is hell. Thank god it’s the last year. No one mention Uni, I may slit your throat. If I keep it off my mind, that negativity of it all may not grind my soul into the dust, kay??
Biology is calling, and it is something of a bitch. A very large something. I have never said the words “I don’t care” and meant it so heartily except in reference to that subject synonymous with death. Although, German is quite possibly on par with that.
Bai guys. Catch you on the flipside.
xx
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Me, a Perfectionist? I Think Not. (And Yet...)
or, Why I Care About My Writing So Much
or, My Half-Assed Attitude Toward School and How I'm Determined to Finally Change It
or even, A Prime Example of Why I Should Sit Down to Write a Piece in One Go and Not Come Back to Finish it With a Complete Emotional Change...
OR PERHAPS, The Post Where I Really Should Realise That Only One Title is Necessary, Not Three, or Four (but I will realise no such thing ;D)
In the feedback I received last night from a teacher over an essay draft, he made this comment - "you write well". Now, I assume a normal person would be pleased with such a remark. I, however, take offence. Well? Well???
I don't want to just write "well". I want to write amazingly, brilliantly, magnificently. I'm not even kidding. I would, it's true, be disinclined to believe someone who would tell me such things, and yet, that is what I desire. I want to write fabulously. I want to write a novel that will one day be a classic, that other Year Twelve English students will do their major individual study on. I have lofty aspirations, and yet, when it comes to putting in the hard work now, a lot of the time, I just don't do it. The necessity of it doesn't quite strike me. I am doing better this year at school than last year, in some subjects at least, but still, far too often I allow myself to be distracted when I should be studying or doing homework, and procrastinate until it's too late. I am making changes to correct this, slowly.
[I'm trying to write about you here less.]
I used to be a highly conscientious student. At some time early in my high school career, I negligently let that slide. As a result, my grades for quite some time have been abysmal, appalling. Every time I try to make it right, I grow slack and let other things take priority, little things, like a favourite TV show. If there is nothing I can use to procrastinate, I will search long and hard in order to find... something. It is rarely anything useful, either. On occasion, my procrastination will take the form of household chores, but that is far more the exception than ever the rule.
[That doesn't mean I don't think of you.]
The most disappointing result of this has been my low grades. I love my parents being proud of me. I crave acceptance by others, all others, a little more than can be healthy. However, it is not only that. I disappoint myself because I know I can do better, I know I can do really well, if I were better organised, if I put in more effort. It is through no lack of ability that my report card has too often had "C"s and even "D"s printed on it. I could achieve the "A"s and "B"s, but I let myself down.
[How could I not?]
This time, though, I am determined. It is Year Twelve, and I only have one shot. I will not repeat and do Year Thirteen. I do not need to waste another year of my life. I will not be shown up by my younger sister. I will get myself organised and do as well as humanly possible for the rest of this school year. I'll be so organised I will even have extra time to revise and study, and will actually do so. I will actually get a decent amount of sleep, keep in regular touch with my friends, practice my flute, and start going for runs. At least, that's the plan.
[Sometimes I almost wish I could forget you.]
I have terrible will power. Shockingly terrible. Somehow, with the support of my wonderful friends / other randoms, I will get there. You have permission to beat me if I slack off. ;)
[It would be so. much. easier.]
So, let's recap. I suck at school. Now, when you think about it, I suck at a lot of stuff. I'm not good at anything. Sport - horrendous. Music - average, would be better if I practiced more, but still shocking at theory and aural. Can't sing. Dance - completely uncoordinated, hopeless. Cooking - terrible. Friendships - Oh, I'm great with those [/sarcasm]. Basically, in most aspects of life, I'm average to shocking.
[And yet, I could never give up the memories of the good times.]
Writing is the one thing I could do well. And there are so many people who are better at it than me, which makes me sad. I don't just want to be good at it, I want to be very good. I want to shine with raw talent, to amaze people who read my writing. Because I am not good at anything else and I want to at least be good at one thing. And if I'm only good at one thing, I don't want to simply be good. I want to be amazing. I want to stand out for something good, rather than standing out as the last one to always be picked for a team, as the worst who just cannot be taught and so even the nicest of P.E. teachers give up, I don't want to be left alone, worse than unnecessary but actually having a negative impact.
[I will forever cherish them.]
And... right now I'm just flat and tired and I feel thwarted, defeated.
I'm not even going to explain why. I can't, I can't keep putting these things to words. Just, something that I was looking forward to has been taken away. You may not see it here but I am so often fighting to see the positive in a situation, and I just, don't want to anymore. I hate how much this taints everything. Every single thing. I hate how its poison has infected me so deeply that I would run like this. I want to move on, move past it. I want to keep what I have.
[And forever regret losing the chance to make more]
But how can I, when its tentacles manage to creep into everything, wrapping around and choking it, cloaking it in this inky blackness? I can't fight it, it is inescapable. And this monster is mine, I created it, unwillingly though it was.
I know I'm over dramatic but all I can feel is like I am the character in a play of tragedy, with every good thing snatched away at the last. Everything tainted, everything warped.
It is a tiny thing, but it was important to me. Sometimes I just want to scream "fuck the world" with all the self absorbed, dramatised teenage angst I can conjure, rebelling, but not against a stereotype, no, rebelling as the stereotype, angry, defiant, but simply because I'm lost.
I'm hurting so bad that I don't want to have to take it, I want to be selfish and see just how much I can hurt you too, with every word I say, but even if I let myself, would you take it? Because I can't stand anything more leaving, I'd get down on my knees and beg if it would convince you to stay; I want to make you smile, not cry, I need you to need me for whatever reason you can find. I don't know who I am, where I'm going, what the fuck i'm doing but i'm sure that if you go, my heart could not bear it
I'm terrified of being alone, stranded in a pool of merciless light, surrounded by the darkness. Even now I feel the shadows stretch closer, dancing on the edges of this unprotected space. I'm too fearful to move, but if I did it would be to drop - fall - into a bundle, curled up so tightly on the ground you'd mistake me for a heap of rags... Trying to pretend, as children while parents fight, as soldiers while bombs fall, breathing "it's okay" though I know it's a lie. Whispering it in my head instead, trying to drown out the noise - or is it the silence? - of being so alone. Creeping closer, tendrils caressing. Not long now.
It's the agony of waiting. Knowing already the inevitable end.
Fit to burst, the panic tightens the chest, rising, rising.
Ever rising. When will it begin? can'ttakeitcan'ttakeit
it'sokayit'sokay
the shuddering, violent gasp, the shock of a harsh night air suddenly in the lungs,
it'sokayit'sokay
skin so tight, pulled taut by expanding ribs,
pressure moving outward, upward; threatening to snap
bones like twigs, Crack. Crack.
Heart beating? no,
rather a pulsing of the blood, from temple to fingertip, fingertip to toe.
Frozen, conscious,
Pressure rising...
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