You come and go...
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dreams,
Red, gold and green,
Red gold and gree-ee-eeen
I am so easily emotionally affected by everything. I grow sad over an argument between two characters on a TV show...
I've been listening to Secondhand Serenade and a bit of Mayday Parade, and right about now, I feel sad for lost times that never happened to me. How can I be remotely nostalgic for something that never happened? I am an emotional chameleon haha.
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon, You Come and Go
Sunday, April 26, 2009
"I live on raw emotion, baby"
I meant to write a brilliantly eloquent post yesterday about ANZAC Day; however, this evil beast named homework had me in its fearsome grip. I did (half) kick its ass, but I still have some catch up work to do and we go back to school tomorrow, so apart from my nightly phone call with Jimit, and the one I just concluded with him, I’ve had no contact with the outer world since Friday evening… Unless you count church. Which I don’t.
On the topic of church, though, in paying attention I was challenged today. Not a Christian and all that, but even on another note, I am far too argumentative and unwilling to help out, particularly with family. I mean to work on that, so let’s see how that goes.
I had a brilliant topic to post about but it has crawled out of my head and is trembling on some high ledge somewhere, about to jump. Thanks, you’ve been a lot of help (I hate you). So I’m all out of sleep and blog fodder (For this blog in particular at least), and I’m listening to Maroon 5. Confession – I cannot get enough of boy bands. Backstreet Boys, LMNT (look them up), Maroon 5, Matchbox 20 – I can’t help it. The Beach Boys, Kelly Clarkson and Daniel Bedingfield all feature in my iTunes. The shame, the shame. Or rather, the guilty pleasure. This is not at all what I wanted to speak of, and more like something I’d aim to post on Let's Talk About The Tour Guide but whatever Trevor, we can’t always get what we want and I have a fabulous post idea lined up there. I need sleep (or a coffee).
Is “fabulous” really spelt like that? It just looks wrong to me…
Anyhow.
The school holidays are over for me at 11.59PM tonight, and it’s back to school for another gruelling ten weeks. Year 12 is hell. Thank god it’s the last year. No one mention Uni, I may slit your throat. If I keep it off my mind, that negativity of it all may not grind my soul into the dust, kay??
Biology is calling, and it is something of a bitch. A very large something. I have never said the words “I don’t care” and meant it so heartily except in reference to that subject synonymous with death. Although, German is quite possibly on par with that.
Bai guys. Catch you on the flipside.
xx
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Good News / Bad News?
I am really missing Chris.
P.S. I really want to someday find someone for me who the lyrics of this song will be just right for -
Here [In Your Arms] - Hellogoodbye Music Code
Update (11.41PM) : I have a confession. I'm delaying getting off the computer as much as I can, even with my mum yelling at me (a lot), because I don't want to go to bed. And to sleep. Where I will be alone.
I'm so scared to be alone. I just want someone, anyone to converse with.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
No hope, no love, no glory
Why, why, why, does such a depressing song have such a misleading title? "Happy Ending", by Mika, I mean. Mika's songs, for the most part, seem to be overly bright and cheerful (or at least annoying beyond belief e.g. Lollipop). Case in point - Love Today. Not that I listen to Mika. Much.
I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it, and I still am. But come on, I listen to enough "emo", and depressing music as it is. Really.
The music to Happy Ending even sounds pretty chill. Not necessarily upbeat, but peaceful, relaxing. It's the lyrics that bring it down. Way down. I actually almost feel like crying every time I hear this song. But I still love it, damnit. I understand when I associate songs with memories that were good and now, circumstances having changed, make me sad and nostalgic. Or songs which I can identify with about bad / sad things. But this song is just gloomy and makes me sad. For no reason. And yet, I can't stop listening to it. On repeat. Far too regularly, too. Sigh.
As such, for the moment I'm rather pensive. Bear with me.
Tomorrow is Sunday. A morning filled with church, while I do my best to pay attention. I haven't had to try as hard to keep myself awake during the service so much lately; perhaps my naps during English Studies are taking care of that. Not that I'm too fussed about missing out on the worship. I need to try and find out what the music is for the second service, since I am supposed to be playing. I'm as highly enthused about that task as ever. Afternoon has been delegated with homework, since I neglected that terribly today. Year Twelve is going fantastically so far [/sarcasm].
Late afternoon is back to church for Bible Study. fjlkdjgpkfldjgflfd. Keyboard mashing actually is a very good way of expression emotions of frustration, anger, or distress. So over Bible Study. I don't care! Then, maybe to another church for their evening service so I can hang out with some of my friends from that week of community service I did towards the end of the Christmas Holidays. Speaking of which, I cannot wait to donate blood again! There's still another month and a half to go, but.
Oh and of course I'm heaps keen to actually be present for the service there and all...
Actually, I kinda am (no sarcasm here). Really.
I was talking to Nick on Thursday, or Friday, or something, if you recall those panicky moments I had. He told me something which I had forgotten. If I really believe that those friendships are so worth it, if I'm not willing to let them just go like this, then I should talk to the friends in question. He reminded me that I need to actively do something about it. But I have no idea what I could say. And I've been so scared since the one time I did try to talk to them. And yes, that is a link to a friend's blog, and it probably doesn't make all that much sense; half the post is about something else. And she wasn't there for the rest of it. I couldn't write about it myself, and I still don't really want to revisit it, so if you want a slightly clearer picture of what happened, you'll have to make do with that. Not that anything when it comes to Kate could ever be just "making do". (:
Anyhow, when I said "scared", I meant in the sense that it would go wrong. Again. And I'm scared of knowing for sure that they are content with leaving it this way. When that feels so incredibly, undeniably wrong to me.
I'm in a rambly mood. A purposely rambly, unlike most other times when I attempt to write about something and go off on several tangents, and tangents of tangents.
Hmmm, what else? I'm behind in a few of my subjects. Yes, I know. I wasn't going to do that this year. This was my chance for a new start and, seven weeks in, I'm fucking it up already. I'll fix this, I swear. In the meantime, my parents aren't very happy, at all. In that extremely unhelpful way they are so good at using.
I miss the days when I would stay up till 4 and even 5AM, aided by insane amounts of coffee, just to get homework done at the last moment. Because then, at least I was getting it done, on time.
My mum also is convinced that I have resumed hurting myself, by burning myself. With my hair straightener. On my neck. Even I am not that retarded! Of course, I'm not really willing to tell her that no, that's a hickey. That would be much more awkward. So her only other option is that I burnt my neck by accident, but I vehemently denied that it was anything when she first saw and asked by it. Way to cover up, Toivoa. That would be why I need my stories preplanned and all ready to go. I didn't even consider an accidental burn, although that has happened before. Oops.
So I've the rest of this dreary weekend to get through, with only the thought of a four dollar Mocha on Monday and a possible Macca's run at lunch time to spur me onward...
Well, now that I think about it, that's definitely motivation enough.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I don't know how and I don't know why
but I think I like it anyway.
I really like Chris. He needs a blog name, no?
Right now I'm not going to think about how he has to go away sometime this year for his marine technician training or whatever the fuck, I don't understand the specifics. I'll ask him about it shortly. It may be soon, or it may not, but for now I am going to be happy that he is here and we are together and he likes me, and be content with every moment I do get to spend with him. And I won't be selfish and cry when he does leave, I'll keep missing him to myself and, you know, all the complaining to friends I am sure to do, since actually keeping anything entirely to myself is something it seems I am utterly incapable of doing...
And, I know most people these days despise smoking. But, I love fire. Almost as much as I love the sea. And it's not hard for me to go from loving smoke from an ordinary fire to that of a cigarette. Yes. I know. I'm insane.
He smokes, which I only found out on Friday night. Only occasionally, so I'm definitely not complaining.
P.S. I'm fucking weird when I'm drunk. But I really don't care. It's a lot better than when I go into "crying drunk" mode. I spent a whole night completely inebriated without even remotely wanting to call the ex best friend. That worries me, but makes me happy. I don't want to stop wanting him back.
P.P.S. I listened to "Rise Above This" by Seether for the first time today since the ex best friend became just that. It was my absolute all time favourite song, it encouraged me like nothing else, especially the music video for it. I love it. It was connected to him far too much for me to listen to it, and I didn't want to want to be better, so I've avoided it like the plague. But today, I was finally ready to listen to it again. I started crying, but it was good. The music video has always made me cry. Again, though, I don't want to need him less. Hmmm.
To homework.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sometimes I prefer older people than those my age
Seriously, half the time, at this community service week (it finishes at 6PM rather than 9PM both tonight and tomorrow), I would prefer to spend time with Justin and my other leaders than people my age. I love other teens, don't get me wrong. Like my new friend Monika, who turns 15 tomorrow. She's 14. That seems insanely young... And then there are Amber and her boyfriend Luke (who is sooo cute /dies), who are 15. Cale, who is in year 10 this year at my school (although I've never seen him around before although he's seen me lol), so he's 2 years below me in school, is 15 and a half. He constantly sounds like he has a sore throat, and he has really long dark hair that should probably be cut, which he is getting done on Saturday (and I hate when guys get their hair cut coz it rarely looks good), and braces and a tiny bit of acne; but like I said he's really nice. And a little bit of a flirt...
I hate being friends with guys who are flirts, even without meaning to be, because I think I start flirting with them back, without realising. Although, apparently I flirt with guys heaps, but I've never noticed that I do. Yet, so my friends tell me. And I think I do, looking back, but I really don't mean to. It's just kinda how I am with guys near my age, unless I am completely un-attracted to them or they are my friend's boyfriend or something. Although I guess I still act the same way around them anyway.
But. Justin. I'd pick him anytime. And my other leader, Kristen, is amazing too, although she's just 19. Most of the leaders are awesome. James Bowden is also fantastic, so mature for his age (21).
Today, my friend's younger sister told me that I was really pretty. I was like, uhm. Because her (and her twin) are both absolutely gorgeous. Haha that was a whoa moment for me.
For those of you who don't know, Justin was my small group leader when my friend and I did Big Week Out two years ago. We adored him and spent most of the week with him. He is now 28. When we first met him he was already married to a chaplain, and he was a youth worker. He is really smart, caring, fun, nice; basically everything good. I look up to him so much. I have told him almost everything; not the recent friends thing, but about my self harm since even before it became serious, my issues with myself and my mother, with God. He has been a great help, and there for me in those two years whenever I have reached out to him. He's offered to teach me to learn to drive in a manual, although I'm not sure how serious he was. But how cool would that be? Especially if it means I would get to see him after Big Week Out! He is the most amazing person, and if I could spend all of BWO with him, I would. He's pretty busy with organising things for it though. He was my event leader today (we did an afternoon today and painted over graffiti), and after our event, back at the base, Cale and I were sitting together in one chair (a tiny bit squashed, but he was warm and so I was comfy), and Justin was sitting next to us talking. I haven't really talked to Justin much this BWO, which I'm so disappointed about. Hopefully I will.
He noticed that I wasn't eating lunch today, and he knows about my hating to eat and all the reasons why; but I walked away from him so he couldn't make me eat something. But I love that he cares about me.
Tomorrow I am donating blood, which I am really excited about. Not having eaten much, it may be a problem but we'll see. Since Tuesday I've eaten two chocolate bars and a handful of shredded cheese (I was hungry when I got home today), and we shall see how it goes tomorrow. I hate eating during school time anyway, and really, I have put on so much weight.
I know, it's not a good idea, it doesn't work, and all that. People have been telling me that for far longer than I've known Justin. But... I just don't know.
So anyway, Cale. I have noticed that I have a problem in which, when practically any guy starts to show interest in me, I consider the potential for something more than friendship. I don't want a relationship. But you know what I'm like in desperately needed to feel like I'm good enough, and if a guy likes me, that makes me feel like I'm pretty enough and am acceptable as a person; although I also partly think that they are somewhat deluded... usually, I will end up liking them in return, at least for a while. I also don't have very many guy friends. So when I do, I kinda want them to like me, even if I don't like them. Because like I said, it makes me feel good enough. Even though I'm still scared I'll never fall in and stay in love with someone who will love me back the same way.
Completely off topic - You know what, I almost feel ready to listen to "Rise Above This" again. It is my all time favourite song (thus far), seconded by "The Way She Feels" by Between the Trees. Rise Above This by Seether is the song that gives me hope and courage to live, no matter what happens. It's a song I haven't listened to in over five months, since things fucked up went to hell with my three best friends. (I didn't want to want to keep going. It also reminded me of one of them, the one I post about the most, since he also liked it.) If you're interested, take a look at the official music video on YouTube, it's amazing; about a boy considering killing himself. Or, here are the lyrics (Yes, they are pretty elementary, but still) -
"Take the light, and darken everything around me
call the clouds and listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me
Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this"
Apologies for any typos or errors, it's a mere copy paste.
As for specifics on Big Week Out, tomorrow. It's been great so far (:
Friday, January 9, 2009
"Kill the Messenger,
I swear it's not me, It's just someone I used to know..."
In little over a month and a half, I shall be seeing that song played live
[Soundwave rant, irrelevant unless you live in Australia, and even then, most probably irrelevant lol]
For that matter, I'll be seeing
Jack's Mannequin,
Forever the Sickest Kids,
In Flames,
Houston Calls,
Hellogoodbye,
Anberlin,
Bedouin Soundclash,
Chiodos,
Finch (maybe),
Alice In Chains (maybe),
Billy Talent,
Bloodhound Gang (maybe),
From First to Last (maybe),
Saves the Day (maybe),
Say Anything (maybe),
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus,
Funeral For A Friend (maybe),
Lacuna Coil,
Madina Lake,
New Found Glory,
Valencia (maybe),
HORSE the Band (maybe),
all live ;D
and more if I decide I like the other bands there (:
Yay for the Soundwave Festival (: (:
I hope none of the bands I like are on at the same time >.<
But the bands I absolutely have to see who will be there would be
Billy Talent, Hellogoodbye, Jack's Mannequin, Anberlin, Forever the Sickest Kids and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, at this point in time. Houston Calls looks to be being added to that list very soon...
So excited for it.
And because To Write Love On Her Arms will be there (: I hope they will bring merch, I'll def be buying more of their other style tshirts and dog tags etc. (:
In other news, Russell Peters is a hilarious stand up comic (thanks Jef and YouTube); if you're not all politically correct about racism... It's funny, kay? ;P
UPDATE: I just realised the timetable for Soundwave is set up.
It starts at 11AM, finishes 10PM.
So here are the bands I am seeing (:
12PM - 12.30PM - Madina Lake
12.20 - 1 - Finch // 12.30 - 1.10 - Ace Enders [undecided as yet]
1.20 - 2 - JACK'S MANNEQUIN eeee [awww i can't see Alesana or Silverstein >=(]
2.15 - 2.50 - Forever the Sickest Kids (awww miss Saves the Day. Unless I decide I like them better... There's still time ;))
2.50 - 3.25 - Underoath
3.25 - 4 - Anberlin
4 - 4.40 - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus // 4.20 - 5 - Hellogoodbye aghhhh what do i do... Hmmm Ima go with RJA, coz I mean, what if I end up seeing "Will You Go To Prom With Me?"... lol if you haven't heard it, by Hellogoodbye, LOL wut =/
4.40 - 5.20 - Dillinger Escape Plan... maybe. if i don't try to get in to see Hellogoodbye for 20 minutes...
5.20 - AGHHHH. The Bloodhound Gang (-6.05), Alkaline Trio (-6), The Audition (-6), WHAT DO I DO???? lol. I haven't heard that much Bloodhound Gang, but I love one of their songs, but I like the Audition, they're pretty okay --> good... And I am pretty sure Alkaline Trio is great...
OHMYGOD /cries....
6.05 - 7.05 - Billy Talent// 6.20 - 7 - Chiodos// 6.20 - 7- Houston Calls// 6.15 - 6.50 - Lacuna Coil // 6. 20 - 7 - Horse The Band. I love all of these bands... What do I do??? Wahhh, cut out Horse the Band, yeah okay. Even Chiodos. But Billy Talent, Chiodos, Houston Calls or Lacuna Coil... I don't know. Maybe I could even cut out Chiodos. But that's it. What do I do??? /weeps LOL OH WHAT DO I DO????
7.10 - 8.10 - Alice In Chains OR 7.20 - 8 - New Found Glory // Say Anything // From First To Last
8.10 - 8.50 - In Flames. 8.20 - 9 - Face to Face // I Am The Avalanche // Emery
9.20 - 10 - Bedouin Soundclash // Funeral for A Friend // Bayside.
Ugh there's heaps I'll miss...
but that's still about 13 bands... that's pretty good...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I really need to get the hang of this blogging thing
I wouldn't say I'm doing toooo badly, considering my 26 followers (and 15 on my other blog!), however there is vast room for improvement. My posts are either too short, too long, without enough background information, whiny, sad, repetitive, confused... And to top it off, it's the 7th of January, and I've only posted three times thus far this month!? Usually it's more along the lines of three times a day...
Admittedly I have been away in Melbourne, and out as well a lot, but what I have posted lately anyway has been bland, uninteresting or merely quotes or stories from others... Poor form, poor form.
So, for the new year, I need a new name. For my blog. For the characters in my life on this blog ^_^. And to replace Tovoia ja Elaman!! >.< Something that will represent who I am, without revealing my identity. Then I can go back and alter all posts with his name in it, with anyone else's who could expose who I am lol. Although, reading my posts, after a while you could guess anyway, if you do know me.
I want your help for this, I have requested this before but this time I want ideas! So please, rack your brains and come up with something as I thus far have been unable to do...
I just sent a long email to Michael trying to explain just what my former best friend means to me and what our friendship was like, why I find it so hard to let go.
[Just an aside, my iTunes won't open /grits teeth nervously, stabs keyboard {My iTunes is precious to me, I have it at well over 4000 songs, due to careful nurturing and much Limewire and Torrent downloading; and as for my play counts... /holds protectively]
You know what? This iTunes matter is remotely urgent (of course that makes sense), and I think I'm going to have to restart. But no! I am downloading my iTunes update so I can't even do that for another 30 or so minutes... Sigh. [My somewhat excessive downloading may or may not have lowered our broadband connection to dial up speed... again.]
I just recalled that I have Maths tuition homework I really should be doing rather than blogging. But it has been a long time since I have truly posted, I can't stop myself now... So I'll switch to Windows Media Player temporarily to continue listening to Bloodhound Gang (Ain't My Job on repeat, specifically; it amuses me), and console myself in regards to lost play counts with the thought that at least it will scrobble to Last.fm... And continue to ramble until Kathleen gets here.
Really, rambling is what I do best. I could write / talk for hours on a completely nonsensical topic and not run out of words. Which is a little unfortunate for any readers/listeners. Ah well.
I finally got my hair cut on the 30th, I like it (: It's all choppy from the layers, just past my shoulders. I have black hair for those of you who don't know, and although I do now have to straighten it every day, it looks good ^_^ I might put a picture up when I have a good one, albeit temporarily. I also sometimes add a bright blue hair extension to my hair, that you can see under my layers, I won't try to explain as you may get a terrifying image in your minds, but again, a picture can assist. Temporarily.
Got my Learner's license today; the actual card. I don't look aaas bad as I thought I would, considering I thought the picture had already been taken and started to move, and my hair's kinda weird looking there (pre-haircut).
So, anyway, back to my email to Michael. Trying to describe my friend, I find myself lost in memories of him, of us. Can I ever really explain to anyone else what he was like, everything necessary to have a full idea of him? Would anyone ever be able to see him in the same way I do? I wanted to portray everything that could explain who he is, and what our friendship was.
He started talking to me now, and we had a brief conversation about Does It Offend You, Yeah? (band). Now, as it seems doomed to always be, our conversation is dead. I can't think of anything to say. Does he even want us to be as good friends as we were before? That is what I want to know more than anything, apart from "did / does he miss me at all???"
My self esteem is still better than ever before, to stop cutting myself, for me (!), what an incredible thing. I am still amazed at the thought of it, and yet, I did it, and continue to do so. It is hard. I come very close to breaking sometimes. But I'm still doing it. I'm pretty proud of myself for that. /embarrassed smile
But. Of course there was a 'but' coming. ;P With three of my best friends gone from my life, that leaves me with a lot of questions. I have already asked some of you these, but for the rest of you, "Did you miss me, at all??? Was it that easy to remove me from your lives, to replace me with each other, with others?? Am I that replaceable, that unneeded, that unnecessary??? Do you not even want me? Am I that expendable?" My head tells me no, even my heart kinda tells me no, but there's still that doubt. I feel like a child who is hurt and confused and yeah...
Anyway, Kathleen is here.
Ramblings can continue later (:
Thursday, January 1, 2009
OH. EM. GEE.
I've mentioned Soundwave before, it's a new music festival in Australia with a bunch of alternative / metal bands that are all really good in my opinion. Jack's Mannequin is newly added to the lineup, and I just found out Forever the Sickest Kids are too.
BUT.
I just found out, I think Jamie and a couple other TWLOHA people are coming down, in their 2008 review blog; they said they're coming back down to Australia for all the Soundwave shows.
Now, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. But if they're coming, there is no way I'm not!!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
You have no idea how much I would love to meet Jamie or anyone from TWLOHA. Insanely excited. Plus so much good music.
Now I just need $130... lol
And of course, HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone (: Hopefully it will be better than 2008 (:
Thursday, December 25, 2008
There's only one thing I really want for Christmas
I'm not going to get it.
Things like that don't come wrapped up. Maybe it won't ever come at all. But I'll still wish for it, each and every time I catch the clock at 11.11. First just a thought, scared it will move to 11.12 before I'm done. Then in word form. And sometimes out loud, under my breath, just to make sure.
Next I'll run around the house waiting for each other clock to hit the same number, and I'll wish again. Just in case, I wish on 10.22PM too, because that's 22.22 in 24 hour time; perhaps that has some magical property too... And even though I don't even believe there's anything special about 11.11, I wish as hard as I can anyway. Because maybe it will help. Maybe.
Somehow.
For the first star I see each night, I stumble through the rhyme I barely know, just so I can make this wish.
"Star light, Star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I make a wish
With all my might.."
It's something along those lines...
I'm not superstitious. But I'll take the chance. It can't hurt. Nothing could hurt more than this
I'd do anything.
Just for some Simple Plan, "Another day, is going by, I'm thinking about you all the time... But now you're gone, And I can't think straight... I close my eyes, And all I see is you, I close my eyes, I try to sleep, I can't forget you."
"And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now."
These lyrics seem somewhat at odds to me. If I could rearrange them, they would look more like this: -
"You got me wrapped around you,
I can hardly breathe with you
So I was trying to disappear.
But I got lost in thoughts of you,"
Or something like that lol.
Mmm love the song. Half Alive by Secondhand Serenade. You have probably heard their song "Fall For You" lately. It's been getting loads of radio play, within half an hour, in three different shops, Kathleen and I heard it three times. In that entire day, we heard it about 10 times in different shops and in the car on the radio. I can't even bring myself to hate it because of all this mainstream exposure.
Yeah I don't know why but I hate listening to mainstream music that everyone knows. Although I like people liking the same music as me. I love the alternative scene. And I don't like the metal scene but I love the music (:
Anyhow, I heard Secondhand Serenade through my recommendations on Last.fm, not through the radio >.<
I'll explain more about this whole disliking radio music because it is radio music later, probs just add to this post.
Hope you're all having a great Christmas.
"Is it broken?
Can we work it out?"
I've never wanted anything more.
"Christmas time is buzzing in my skull"
Will it let me be?
I cannot tell."
So I love the Nightmare Before Christmas. And before I had the chance to blog about this much celebrated holiday, Christmas is upon us.
"There are so many things I cannot grasp
When I think I've got, and then at last
Through my bony fingers it does slip
Like a snowflake in a fiery grip"
As I have mentioned before, I am a member of a Christian family. Even practically all of my extended family are Catholics. When I say practically all, I mean there is literally one and he's married into the family, who is a non practicing Hindu. This, then, is the reason so many are surprised that we barely celebrate Christmas.
My parents will give my sister and I gifts, yes, but barely. It is more often than not in the form of money, which doesn't make for the most interesting of presents, although I can always do some more. What other presents we received were almost invariably actually given to us post-Christmas, thanks to the mid-financial year sales. Smart, yes. The only reason we actually do get presents is so "we don't feel left out". At least, this is what my parents used to tell others.
We also go look at Christmas lights, but that's about it.
The reason we don't celebrate Christmas is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. When missionaries first came to some large country, or possibly Europe; yeah I'm not too sure; anyhow the native people had lots of celebrations for their gods; the missionaries, not wanting converts to feel left out and become dissatisfied with Christianity, decided to designate this day as Christmas, "the birth of Jesus". And no one really knows which date Jesus actually was born on. So according to my parents, it's stupid to celebrate because of its origins. By my reasoning, it doesn't matter what the origins are, what matters is what it means to you as you celebrate it. For all the non Christians who celebrate Christmas, its a good time to spend with family and give each other gifts, and be joyful and all that jazz. In the same way, it can be to truly celebrate Christ's birth if we so wish.
One thing about me, I love traditions. I love the idea of heirlooms and I have tried to construct family trees, I love old things that continue on. I love the idea of Christmas, the festive spirit, although we all know it has been completely commercialised, but as I said before, I believe that its what you make it. Not even necessarily the idea of Santa; I never believed in Santa Claus either by the way. Not sure I'd want to, you'd be so disappointed when you find out he isn't real lol. And I'm not too keen in believing in something that isn't real. But Christmas in general seems like such a fun idea.
When I have my own family, we will celebrate Christmas. I determined this a long time ago. We will put up a tree and decorate it, and lights around the front of the house. Our family has put up a Christmas tree once during my life.
Another thing. My parents actually used to celebrate Christmas, when they were Catholics. When they became Christians, it was to become part of what some would call a "legalistic" church, that is, they wanted to abide by every possible law in the Bible, so it was very strict; they believed that women shouldn't really wear pants due to a Biblical passage stating that women shouldn't wear men's clothing; although my mum, my sister and I still did, but not to church. So that is where this idea came from. We have changed churches now, although there was actually much to admire about the beliefs of this former church of ours, but there is time for that in another post.
So anyhow, I hate that we don't really celebrate Christmas. I think my parents have finally begun to grasp that, although my mum worked this Christmas morning and the last one too; my mum encouraged my dad to take us out to The Pancake Kitchen for breakfast this morning, and we're having turkey for dinner, even though my mum thinks it is bland and disgusting ;P
Indians and all their spices >.<
I wouldn't mind celebrating Christmas the Indian way actually. It's amazing. Most people live in lanes or apartments in very small estates or apartments in Pune, where my family is from. Around Christmas, they hang huuuuge Christmas stars and other decorations right across the lanes and in the estates. There are Nativity scenes just as big placed around. Motorbikes and / or scooters are the preferred method of travel rather than cars in the city. So these things are so large they are practically fully blocking the streets and bikes can only just get through. They have Christmas shows in these lanes and almost everyone who lives in the lane or the estate, whichever, will participate. And there are fireworks, of course. There are so many people, everywhere. People sell fancy balloons by the road side, which admittedly happens most days of the year anyway. Beforehand, for weeks, people make handmade Indian sweets of all shapes and colours. /shrugs
It's good.
My surprise which I mentioned briefly the other day is that I finally got my Learner's. If you're not Australian, or South Australian, that's for driving, which you have to pass a theory test for. You have to do 50 hours of driving and hold it for a minimum of 6 months. During this time you can only drive with someone with their full license next to you in the passenger seat. You need to have a certain amount of lessons with a driving instructor also. After this, you can get your P1's. This is your provisional license, where you display P plates on your car, but can drive without a fully licensed person. After this, you can get your P2's, where you can take your P plates off, and after I don't know how long of this, you can eventually get your full license.
I failed the test the first time I went for it on my 16th in June, I got really confused on the give ways lol. So it took me this long to go back for the test, since I was so scared I'd fail it again. (You have to get all the give way questions correct, which is the first part of the test. The next is a bunch of multiple choice questions which you need to get 32 out of 40-something correct) But I only got one question wrong on the multiple choice this time C: I'm happy. I've already been driving a bit, I drove on the roads straightaway lol. I have driven before, but not on roads that are used by anyone else and not since last year. But it's fun (:
And I don't think my parents are so opposed to celebrating Christmas anymore, Mum is thinking of buying ornaments after Christmas for next year, and saying we could put our tree up next year, we still have our old one in the garage somewhere. I just find it sad that I missed Christmas properly, all these years. I would have loved to experience the excitement of waking up on Christmas morning, opening gifts that we had all given each other, spending the day together, having fun and doing family things. Although, we did a lot of family stuff when we were little. But the anticipation in a present being a surprise; it's been a long time since I've felt that. For years I've always known exactly what I was getting for my birthday or Christmas, have even been there when its been bought. In a way, it's good, it ensures that I will like it; but it doesn't have quite the same feeling...
That said, I think too much emphasis is placed on gifts with Christmas these days. Like I mentioned before, Christmas has been commercialised. Retailers place importance on how you need to get presents for other people, need to buy all this new stuff. The stress of this can make Christmas completely worthless. If you feel like you need to get someone else a present because they are getting you one, that is missing the point. You should be giving gifts in love, because you care about the person, and want to express it.
Mmm anyway, I'm done for now, may come back and add to this later, but as you can see, my thoughts are scattered and not well put into words. I need some more sleep. Ah well.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
"People Should Smile More"
So says (rather, sings) Newton Faulkner... [Kathleen's music is infiltrating my life]
However, while I definitely agree, I really think people should also blog more.
And, while I have been meaning to make my posts shorter, as they ought to be, after a cursory glance at my most recent (prior to this) post has shown me all too clearly that I still need to work on that.
Alas, there are so many words to play with, it's like an amazing game, seeing which fit together in the best way to make a delightful piece... I tend to repeat myself with different wordings simply because there are so many good options that I cannot bear to use just one...
Dare You to Move // Question
"Between who you are and who you could be,
Between how it is and how it should be;
I dare you to move,
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
I dare you to move
Like today never happened.
Maybe redemption has stories to tell,
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell,
Where can you run to escape from yourself,
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here...."
i love this song, because I think the lyrics are very important.
The lyrics to the entire song are worth thinking about, but I have picked out the end of a verse, the chorus, and the closing lines of the song to display here. It's my "motivation" song, to keep going, to remind me that I can't escape problems by trying to run away, to hide; when I am trying to run from who I am. It can't be done, and I don't have to go anywhere else to fix that which is broken, the answer, "salvation" is already right in front of me. I have to stand and face what's wrong rather than hiding from it...
God knows I need this reminder more often than not.
This song, essentially, is about courage, having the courage to live life, the way it should be, regardless of the pain we may face, because pain is an inescapable part of life, but we shouldn't let it stop us or drag us down.
And that in the pain, getting through it and moving on, we can learn from it.
Part of the challenge of this song is to get up and make the changes that need to be made. There's a song by John Mayer with the lines "We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change." This song has always slightly annoyed me in that, waiting does nothing. And change does not come about through doing nothing. There's no good in "waiting on the world to change", we must actively do our part to change it. Every person has the power to change the world. To take that first step; who knows how that will inspire others to also do the same? We may never even see the extent of the impact we have, but we definitely can't wait around for other people to start something. We have to "be the change we want to see in the world" or however the saying goes.
I could go on with quotes from random things, eg.
- "A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man can make the difference between victory and defeat." - The Emperor, Mulan
and
- "A single raindrop raises the sea." - Dinotopia
;D
These lyrics also speak about hope, and if you've read many of my posts, you should know that hope is something vital to me, vital to everyone, I believe.
It is what keeps us going.
Because there always is a reason to keep going. And this song is my challenge to have faith in that reason, even when I can't quite see it or feel it; to know that there is a reason and keep living life. To quote To Write Love On Her Arms or specifically, Renee Yohe, yet again "The stars are always there, but we miss them in the dirt and the clouds. We miss them in the storms."
The stars are still there behind the darkness, and so is the reason to live, so is hope. Sometimes it takes a little blind faith.
Life wasn't mean to be easy, it is something that takes courage, but we aren't alone in this. I've said this before we are a sociable creature; we were made to live with each other, to interact and depend on one another.
----
QUESTION: What are the twelve days of Christmas? I mean, why??? It's Christmas Day... So what is the meaning of the whole twelve days of Christmas song, and what is the significance of 12, specifically? I'll do some research [or e-search ;P] on the internet, but what are your thoughts / knowledge on the matter? (:
----
I'd just like to direct you to the blog of Comic Book Superzero for a post I found extremely funny ;P
xx
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Quick bitch about Blogger (the site) ++ amazing lyrics (:
Okay, so I have approximately two major complaints with Blogger.
Numeros Unos
or whatever, aka, #1. That one cannot merely comment others' profiles or message them, as on most social networking sites. So maybe I'm far too used to MySpace, but since even Last.fm and many other music / miscellaneous sites also have this feature available, why can't Blogger? It would be sooo handy. Or a status update, like Twitter. Either or both would be lovely
#2, which happens to be relevant to me at this point in time since I am mucking around with my blog layout. If I choose to show my labels, or tags, on my blog, the only options I have are to show them alphabetically or in order of frequency. What I want is the option of not showing tags unless they are used more than once, since the length of tags trailing alongside my posts is not something I find in the least bit becoming. I mean, it's not like my archive listings take up enough sprawling room...
Of course I could merely remove labels from my blog page, however, I want them there. Just not all of them!
Frustrating...
Anyhow.
These lyrics are so hopeful and sweet and uplifting, heartwarming, yeah you get the drift...
While I haven't heard the song, I love the lyrics, and may get around to listening to it sometime, but even if I dislike the music, I will still take away the meaning in the words, which is the most important thing!
So anyway here they are (:
"Show the Way" by David Wilcox
You say you see no hope, you say you see no reason we should dream
That the world would ever change
You're saying love is foolish to believe
'Cause there'll always be some crazy with an army or a knife
To wake you from your day dream, put the fear back in your life...
Look, if someone wrote a play just to glorify
What's stronger than hate, would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the hero came too late he's almost in defeat
It's looking like the Evil side will win, so on the Edge
Of every seat, from the moment that the whole thing begins
It is...
Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness love can show the way
So now the stage is set. Feel you own heart beating
In your chest. This life's not over yet.
so we get up on our feet and do our best.
We play against the fear. We play against the reasons not to try.
We're playing for the tears burning in the happy angel's eyes
For it's...
Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness, love can show the way
This is actually really awesome
Yes, it's long. But it's such a great idea, I love it! Plus you get a free song when you subscribe to their mailing list... (L) Mae (: && LOVING FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS RIGHT NOW (: Album - Underdog Alma Mater (Y)
Subscribe to Mae mailing list for free song and updates
"As this new year begins, we are reminded that once again, on some level, our story begins anew. Our story is a collection of decisions that we work through every day. Those days connect and become years. Those years connect and become a life. Those lives connect and become a generation. Those generations connect and become history. We create and change the course of history with every decision. That is the power you hold in every one of your choices. That is the scope of your significance. You are a writer of history. It is not an option, it is a certainty. You may think that your voice is insignificant, but we invite you to come with us for one year, and we will show you over the course of that year exactly how significant your voice truly is.
Every month in 2009 we will be bringing you a new song that is part of a bigger story. These songs are like the hours that make up the day. These songs are like the months that make up the year. These songs are like years that make up a life. They are about the tiny choices we make that lead to large results. Sometimes these results are wonderful; sometimes they are terrible. We learn from both.
Three times during 2009 we will put these songs together and give you an EP. As we search to understand the meaning of our own stories we can shift our perspectives to see things under a different light. We expand our understanding in these moments. This is like finishing one chapter and moving to the next part of the story. These EPs represent the broad chapters of our life. They will be called:
(M)orning
(A)fternoon
(E)vening
(M)orning represents the beginning of the day, the beginning of the year, and the beginning of a life. It is our childhood. It is our fresh start. It is our new hope. It is the empty canvas of our minds and the beginning of our story.
(A)fternoon represents the middle of the day, summer turning into autumn, adulthood, parenthood, and the time in life to take control and write the story we want to leave behind.
(E)vening represents the end of the day, the return of winter, looking back at the end of our life, and preparing for death. This is the one time in our lives where our perspective is clearest and we see the arc of our story as a whole.
Here is the invitation and the promise. When you come to back to whatismae.com you will be able to hear all of the music for free. And we will make every song available as a digital download for a minimum donation of $1. Our promise to you is to commit every dollar earned through these digital downloads towards making the world a better place. We will be asking you to help us choose projects to focus on. The power of community is the strength of numbers. As we tie our voices, our resources, our minds, and most importantly our actions together, we will see the world change for the better over the course of this year.
Progress requires focus. In each of these chapters we will focus on certain issues and ask you to help us choose the best way to make a difference. We want to approach this in a way that aligns with the greater narrative. Here is how we will break it down:
(M)orning: [January - April] This is the season to focus on youth and help instill appreciation for music and the arts. Music is the world's language. It has the ability to bridge nations and to connect people. We have been changed by the power of music. That is a gift we want to share. Art goes hand in hand with music as a powerful voice of expression. Art shows us the world from the people's point of view. Art is the vessel of the human experience and it is a powerful weapon in the hands of truth. This is also the time to focus on education. Learning is what opens the doors to a better future. What aspects of the education system need our help? How do we educate ourselves to face the world's problems as they become ours to solve? These are the issues of Morning:
(M)usic
(A)rt
(E)ducation
(A)fternoon: [May - August] This is the season to consider the challenges we face as adults. The world is shrinking. We are connected through technology, economy, and destiny. No matter how diverse we are, we share a common humanity. Our unique cultural legacies should be respected and celebrated. Our wealth and prosperity inevitably rises and falls together. Who among us can truly celebrate our own prosperity when our neighbor starves to death? When we experience the world's poverty, it changes our priorities. Yet this economic progress must come with respect for the fragile and dynamic nature of our planet. We are building a future for our children and their great great grandchildren. What will their world look like? The choice is ours and we must consider this big picture with great respect for those who will come after us. These are the issues of Afternoon:
(M)ulti-Culturalism
(A)nti-Poverty
(E)nvironment
(E)vening: [September - December] This is the season to step back and see the bigger picture. We work and then we check our progress. This is how progress is made. When we make mistakes, we correct our mistake and resume the journey. We all make mistakes. What sets us apart is how we react to them and move beyond them. One day the students will become the teachers. One day the children will become the parents. Think about how we will inspire those who come after us to continue on the path to hope for everyone. What is the story we want to leave behind? Are we writing it with our actions? What do we want to world to be like? How do we get there? These are the issues of Evening.
(M)otivate
(A)ffect
(E)ngage
There will be countless opportunities for you to be involved during this process. We will be asking you to take photos throughout the year that tell us your story. We will use those photos in our art and in our live performances. We encourage you to share this music with everyone. Tell them what is going on. Invite them to be a part of this. We are your band and your community. This is a chance for you to take your love of music and make a difference in the world. You are the vital piece that completes this puzzle and we can not do it without you.
Our hope is that this music will inspire you to step back and look at the bigger picture we are all a part of. None of us are truly alone. Many times it feels like we are completely alone. In those moments, we hope that you find comfort in these sounds. We hope you remember that these words and melodies have been sung by many thousands of others, and their voices are tied to yours. We hope that your voice will sing along and find its place here in this community as we work together, as humble people, to make a difference in a world that needs our help.
To download "Somewhere," simply go here and use the password: thankyou. You can also read Dave's explanation about the origin of the song here.
Thank you,
Mae"
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
So what am I incredibly excited about?
dfsnlgkfsjglkd;f
(:
Just need someone to go with... even though Lynley said she would, we like different bands, so..
Especially now JACK'S MANNEQUIN IS COMING (:
Monday, December 1, 2008
That's it
/dies
haha not quite
i can't be bothered having a shower as yet, ehhh tonight i suppose
i'm listening to the Hairspray soundtrack, could do with watching it with someone right now
ima gonna go find something to knit >.<
lol i like knitting
i'm half considering refusing to eat in protest of being grounded LOL
but nah i eat when i'm bored aha, and we have tiny teddies atm
actually i don't even feel like eating regardless
so eh we'll see
Friday, November 28, 2008
I'm listening to music I like, that
I heard through Jake. His recommendation. His favourite bands. I dreamt about him again not last night, but the night before, at Hannah's. Nothing suss people, but I have had so many dreams with him...
I can't explain the feeling when I wake up, when he's not there... Not that I mean, physically there, because that would be weird... ;P
When he's not there in my life anymore. And I wake to that reality. And the memory of the dream is still fresh to me, the feelings and emotions, the friendship; and it hurts. That it no longer exists.
That it crumbled, and I didn't even see it coming. I thought it was just another one of our rough patches, and even then not that bad, that it was on the mend, again.
And right now, the pain of what has happened, the pain of not having him, not having my best friend, is so bad it is physically hurting. I don't like to breathe without him in my life. I don't want to breathe without him in my life.
It hurts to be alive without him in my life, to be breathing, sustaining my living, when he's not here! It doesn't make sense, why isn't he here? He should be. It is too much for me to take, that my mind reverts to this childish way of thinking. Selfish. Not understanding, but wanting clearly what I think should be.
It quite literally at this point in time hurts to breathe without him.
But it doesn't make sense.
And it SHOULDN'T be like this.
The nights when I wake, struggling to breathe because of the way it hurts so much, and this applies to Bec and Sacha as well, those are the nights I just cry and cry, if I can find the breath for it, that is. I wasn't lying all the times I told him that I needed him. All the times I told them all I needed them. I'm learning to live without him, to not need him. But I hate that I should have to. Perhaps it is a good thing, somehow. But I don't care. I would rather be friends with him than not, if being friends with him was the worst thing for me...
Jake, I think I'd love you now no matter what. I'd love you even if you were Russian and I never had the chance to know you, I'd love you if you hurt me in every possible way you could, if you tried to hurt me by hurting the other people I love, and I know you wouldn't even do that, but if you did... I still would love you.
I don't love people in a way that's easily thrown off. And you are no different.
I would do anything for you.
And I can't explain, ever, how much I miss you.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
ashfdkljdkjflkdsjgfds ++ CUTE
I am actually so freaked out. I hate flies, am scared of spiders and am fine with most bugs except when I just feel them and think they're spiders on me. I'm terrified of blow flies. But most of all. I hate so much the flies that crawl more than they fly. They have the creepiest legs. And they just hang around. There is one around the keyboard right now and it's terrifying me so much. I am freaking out so badly. I keep flapping my arms, if you saw me you'd die laughing but right now, I'm about to cry. They scare me so much :(
In my mind they are obviously infected with disease because they look like it and are likely to bite me coz they're insane, they're not normal flies, I mean why would they crawl... And infect me with like, malaria. Or just, I dunno. /agitated face + mannerisms Toivoa does when scared like this.
and if it comes on my face, I'm trying not to scream coz Deborah's in bed and stuff
BUT OH MY GOD I would freak out silently so bad.
Like when I'm so scared but bite my hand to keep myself screaming because I can't do anything or something, I dunno
aghhhhhhhhhhh
GET IT AWAY FROM ME
:( :( :(
okay, addition, half an hour later...
CUTE LYRICS
i love it. it's like, God has designed you, uniquely. You are special. it's soooo cute (:
"I can see the tears filling your eyes
And I know where theyre coming from
Theyre coming from a heart thats broken in two
By what you dont see
The person in the mirror
Doesnt look like the magazine
Oh but when I look at you its clear to me that
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
Youre a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And youre covered with the fingerprints of god
Never has there been and never again
Will there be another you
Fashioned by gods hand
And perfectly planned
To be just who you are
And what hes been creating
Since the first beat of your heart
Is a living breathing priceless work of art and
Just look at you
Youre a wonder in the making
Oh and gods not through no
In fact he's just getting started!"
10.44 PM AGHHHHHHHHHH IT'S BACK [THE FLY]
BUT THIS TIME IT'S FLYING
AND IT'S STILL TERRIFYING
/SHUDDERS, TWITCHES FOR NEXT 20 MINUTES
:(
Friday, November 14, 2008
i hate everything
not really, just my inability to concentrate and stay on task etc.
^_^ check that out, before I would have left it at, "me" instead of that ^^^
i'm getting better. self respect (:
also, i decided to do a challenge someone on social vibe started, 30 days positive thinking, to think something positive every day for 30 days and take note of it. the idea is that you'll post it on the forum to keep track off it.
by the way make a social vibe account. it's a website that, you pick a charity, and a company that will be a sponsor, as given by the site, and you put a "badge" of it on your social network page, be it facebook, myspace, etc. And everytime someone looks at your profile, your sponsor will donate money to your selected charity. there are also other ways to earn points. but how easy is that for a way to help out a good cause? and it doesn't even cost you anything! so i recommend it highly (:
spread the word
to get it, just go to my myspace and click the social vibe link (:
hah i made myself feel better by talking about something good (:
however my assignment is still undone and completely not even started. sadface.
aghhhhhhhhh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
