You terrified me today.
I had a Biology test today that is rather weighty in terms of the whole year and which, admittedly, I spent nowhere near enough time studying for. You have no idea how scared I was for you. I don't cry easily in front of others who aren't family, but for a few minutes I had to struggle to stop shaking. Do you know how much I love you? Of course you do, for you feel the same in return, I know so, no matter the troubles.
Most of you would know that my sister is something of a source of worry to me. We are very close and I care about her far more than I could ever hope to express. I am fiercely protective of her.
She is going on a school ski trip later this year, and as such, must participate in training at the gym on Friday mornings before school. While studying during my double free before recess, after which was my Bio test, a friend of hers mentioned that she'd been feeling sick in homegroup and looked as though she was about to faint.
I've never fainted but she has once before, and is very easily affected by things like lack of sleep or painkillers or sleeping tablets, when she was barely sleeping. After taking thpse I hear it was as though she was tripping, since I wasn't present, and I've seen the same thing happen to her at least once with Panadol, although I don't believe to the same extent.
She doesn't always eat breakfast and while I rrarely do myself, I cope very well with lack of food, and besides I eat fine otherwise. She also subjects herself to rigorous excercise and sometimes her food intake is limited to foods such as celery, carrots, and other vegetables, although she's a bit better since that stage. I worry about her.
At recess, another of her friends that I bumped into and asked about her told me that she had looked pretty sick in ski trip training as well. shit. I immediately went to find her, just to check on her. She wasn't with her friends but I was told she was with a friend in the canteen line, so I headed off there. As she turned around in response to my touching her on the shoulder, she stumbled. I can't explain how worried that made me. She looked unwell too, you could see it. As she had no money or food, her friend was buying her orange juice. I asked if she could get her something, and my sister protested that she didn't want her to spend money on her, which neither of us cared about. As they entered the canteen I left, since it didn't seem incredibly bad, and managed to distract myself fairly well.
I did text my dad from a friend's phone, and so he called her, which she wasn't too happy with, but I felt he should try to talk to her, since she didn't want to go home either.
Walking to Biology at the end of recess, I wanted to see her again, but she would have already gone to class and in the ten minutes before our teacher arrived, I managed to panic, and started crying and shaking.
I'll admit, while I was worried, I was half considering whether or not I could also use it to get out of the test until Monday, once I had studied sufficiently, and while I felt ashamed of that, I did really want to be with her and make sure she was okay.
The first few minutes of the test were terrible, but I managed to calm myself down, and after it was over I checked and she was much better, having also eaten.
I don't know how I did on the test though, and I hope I did well, since it seemed relatively simple.
In second to last lesson, she told me that she was thinking of going to the gym again after school, so that I could tell mum when I got home, and I absolutely freaked, emphasising how there was no freaking way in hell she should go to the gym, regardless of whether she felt better or not.
Thankfully, she didn't.
Ughh, I love her so much, I hate feeling so helpless. Although there have been worse times, when I have had to stand by and let things take their course, and it kills me.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Zu dir, meine liebe Schwester,
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
"I try to sleep, but the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me"
[Guys, I've written a new story on my other blog, Head in the Clouds. If you can and would like to, please take the time to check it out and even leave your comments, opinions, and constructive criticism? That'd be great, since I'm as unsure about it as ever. I'm aiming to write properly more regularly again as well, if you're interested. (:]
Today was good. The results for my latest Maths test turned out to be 52% (55 for a pass), but I've done well in other tests so far and my overall term grade is 74%, a B. Next term I'm going to make up the 11 percent needed to get an A. As for a majorly important Biology test I was worrying about; turns out I scored 82%. I was so incredibly relieved and excited at this. After school I went to my best friend's house for a few hours; she doesn't go to my school. So that was good.
But the best thing about today so far was a simple smile.
The ex best friend and I are in some weird territory at the moment; if you read back a couple of months, you'll see that we are talking slightly once again, mainly on MSN and greeting each other when we pass by at school. That had stopped for a while, and then has begun again over the last few weeks. I doubt I've written about it, because I don't want to hope that anything will come of it. Today, it went beyond that. It was nothing, really. And yet, it is everything to me; I could not keep from smiling for hours afterward. He smiled at me.
He's not the kind of person who smiles all that often, in fact he has said repeatedly that he doesn't like to. He also sent me an email saying hi yesterday at school, which I only read when I checked my inbox today. We used to talk all the time through emails at school. Sometimes texts, and then during Supervised Study (a crappier version of a free), I'd try to get to a computer so we could talk cheaply via email. We spent so much time together. Walking to and from school, sneaking out at night for walks, recesses and lunch, ditching class for a few minutes or completely on a number of occasions, talking on MSN each evening, going to town together on Saturdays, and having text conversations in between. Emailing during school was a huge part of this.
He smiled at me. The realisation only seeped into my mind as I walked away, and for the remaining lessons I had, I was very happy. I know I kept breaking into smiles like an idiot as I walked home by myself, and it was one of the first things I said to my best friend once I saw her. Talk about making my day. Although he always has. Well, either made or broken, if he was sad or angry.
And I've been letting myself imagine us becoming friends again. He's initiating all this. And I want this so much. I imagine having good conversations with him once more, spending time with him, hanging out for him, sneaking out for walks with him, just once in a while, and his hugs. He gives really good hugs. If I could have him back, even just as a friend; I can't let myself think about best friends, I don't think I could contain my happiness. Even without the other two (it's so hard to refer to them on here because I have no names for them), just having him at least would make everything better. I had completely given up on this, but ohmygod he fucking smiled at me today!
It's like I have a huge pathetic celebrity crush view towards him. Like ohmigod he smiled at me!!! I'm so lame ;P But it's more important than any crush. Because he was my best friend. Friends are more important than guys, like that. And I am so excited at the possibility of being his friend again, as much as I try to temper it. He was an amazing friend. He's not necessarily easy to be friends with, and at times was even kinda scary when he was angry, but I loved him and love him and maybe maybe he will love me again sometime. He means the world to me.
I'll be honest, if I was to cheat on Chris with anyone, it would be him. If he kissed me again, I would kiss him back. There would be almost no question of pulling away, although I would, after a while, because he is was (get a grip Toivoa) just my best friend and Chris is my boyfriend or something or other. Just my best friend? Hah. Not many more people are of more importance to me than him. I couldn't miss him anymore than I do. I would do anything for him, anything to make him happy.
But it won't happen, kissing him. We've been through that. I don't even know if we'll ever be able to call each other best friends again. All I know is that I want this with every fibre of my being, every macromolecule in my body, every cell and protein and organelle, with every homologous chromosome and every other biological thing within me. ;D I want this so badly, and I know I felt this way when he first began speaking to me again, but I can't stop to let myself be scared at it going wrong. I've gone so many sleepless nights reliving the memories, cried so many tears and felt physically ill or in pain due to missing him so utterly; and in keeping with the Backstreet Boys, "All I'm going to be without you him is incomplete..."
To the others, these are painfully fitting;
"What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
I still need you
I still care about youThough everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you.
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment."
Jake Iloveyousomuch. As a friend and only that.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Walls
If I could, I would tear down the walls that exist between my best friends and I. I would let nothing come between us ever again, for nothing ever should. These walls that now exist are more painful than any other form of loss, for we are still in proximity to each other, still in the same circles, but separated by something more powerful and terrible than space and time; too much hurt and loss of trust, but not yet a loss of love.
Click here.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I fear you the most, more than anything else
I fear you more than death, for you are that which brings fear to death, to the end. The End? That depends on what you choose. And on what is real. I know what I believe about it. And right now, that means it is the end for me. Although an end would be much more merciful.
But this is not about death. Death would be nothing if it didn't factor in you.
How do I explain the mindless terror that strikes as I imagine you? How is it that you arrive at any time you will, coldly? How are you so inescapable? Is there no sanctuary from your dreadful grasp on my soul? How do you capture me even as I am surrounded by those I am loved by?
You follow me everywhere, closer than a shadow. Sometimes you cloak yourself, hidden for a time, but if I look closely, I can find you right where you were when I last noticed. You are manifest in my dreams. Is there nowhere I am to be rid of you?
Alone, alone, alone. It is a chant that echoes painfully through my heart, resounding in the empty halls of my soul. Its truth rings out undeniably. But how am I alone? How, alone, when I live with other people all around? In the midst of my family and closest friends, at times I still feel it; the loneliness. Like a disease I was born with. So far progressed, it is near impossible to be removed. No matter how many relationships I form with others, the feeling of "alone" still persists. If I search, I understand. Something is missing. Someone, perhaps?
I am unique. There is no one like me. How many times have we all been told that? It seems to be thrown at us endlessly at school, etc. I want to be special, I want to be me. With no one else the same. But how lonely, to be someone who is not understood by anyone else, because of my uniqueness, because of how different we are from each other. If we very completely unique we would all be very alone. And it is not just I who fears being alone. Do not most of us fear this too?
And yet, how terrible would it be to be just the same as everyone else? How boring? That is not a conceivable option either. Not for me.
Thankfully being unique does not entail being that different from each other. The way I see it, every different side of it, every different belief will be the same as at least one other person in the world, apart from perhaps minor details. But no one person will have all the same parts and ideas as another, we all have similarities to different people. I have "this" in common with so and so, and "that" in common with whatshisface. Both she and I think the same about "yada yada" and I share a mutual interest with, that girl, that one, you know...
I love this idea, that we are the same and yet completely different to each other. We think differently, act differently, experience different events, believe different things. But I think if we look closely enough, we could find something in common with us and every other person we meet. We all have emotions. We all have been hurt. We all, once at least, had dreams and ambitions, plans. We all have fears. We all have weaknesses. None of us are perfect. And I believe that in all of us, there is this emptiness, this feeling of "alone" that is crying out to be filled. We may not even realise it, it may lie hidden, but active. We may try to fill it with any number of things.
I believe all of us need relationships to thrive. I believe we all need love. Interaction is something we need. When we are hurt from relationships, we can become bitter and turn away. We can stop believing in love. We can run from love. But why do we do this? Because we have been mistreated by those who are supposed to have loved us, we have loved and not had a reciprocation of this love, we may have lost those who we love. In any case, when we flee from love, it is to avoid pain. But if we don't love, then that pain wouldn't be possible (I did say this recently). Whether we believe in love or not, it is there. Invisible, inaudible; you can't taste it or touch it, you can't smell it. It's indescribable in all it's many forms. And yet, it exists, regardless if you accept that or not.
"There is no greater gift than a place to belong. While it may seem that you're selling out to admit you need people, the irony is that you'll never really know yourself unless you're in a healthy community. We only truly come to know ourselbes in the context of others. The more isolated and disconnected we are, the more shattered and distorted our self-identity. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry #17 - Do You Know Who You Are?", I cannot be bothered with proper referencing kthnxbai)"
How could we know if we are selfish or generous unless around others? How do we know if we are self-centred, or kind to others? Who do we have to care about but ourselves? We are influenced by our families as we grow, we look at other people's values and beliefs about life to see if we find they agree with us, and either take them on board or dismiss them, deciding our own that are different. If we have no one to be different from, than we lose our uniqueness. We just are. Just one. We are the norm. We have nothing to compare and contrast against. We are alone. My soul cringes back at the thought of that.
"When we live outside of healthy community, we not only lose others, but we lose ourselves. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry #17 - Do You Know Who You Are?")"
When we treat each other with value, when we care for each other, when we love, we experience the presence of God. More powerful than any data or doctrine, love is the proof of God our souls long for...
"You cannot live without love, and you do not have to.
Yes, there is an insanity to love. You will go mad in pursuing it.
You will despise life itself if you do not find it.
Your soul craves love and will find satisfaction with nothing less.
You shouldn't be surprise that you look for love, you keep running into God...
Love can't be stopped.
Grief is proof that love prevails over death.
You cannot kill love.
I'm not talking about the pervasive counterfeits we often call love. But the kind that fables like The Princess Bride speak of -'true love'. The kind of love that lasts beyond life, that does not end in death, that fills you when you breathe deeply of it and wounds you when you lose it. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. God is love, and he is everywhere.
Love is the essence of the cosmos. Love is the ethos of God. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry 20 - Like A Kiss on the Face")
I don't want to be alone. I wasn't meant to be alone. None of us were...
So many questions.
Postscript - Apologies to those who dislike discussing love. ;p
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Hello world, this is me
For those of you who have recently started following my blog or would just like to know more about me, this is a little info on who I am and an indication of some of the matters I have and will continue to blog about. (:
One more thing before I begin, thank you very much for following and leaving comments, it's a great encouragement (:
I laugh a little too loud at my own jokes, I love a little too recklessly, and accidentally push away those I care about far too often...
I'm a little idealistic, I want to believe the best of everyone. At the same time, I'm that tiny bit cynical.
I want attention but hate it when I get it; I'm incredibly optimistic for a negative person, and I'm just as much of a contradiction as I'm sure you are.
To say I'm over-dramatic is something of an understatement; I overreact to each small incident as though it's World War III...
I love using quotes and song lyrics to explain how I feel and what I believe in.
I wish on stars and 11.11, although I don't believe in it. Just in case. Maybe you'll come back. I'm waiting. Hoping. With no idea what else I can do anymore.
I use faces a lot while typing to express the tone in which I'm saying something, sorry if it's irritating but I'm using age as my excuse. The main ones you'll see me use are :) ;) :( (: >=( >=| ;P :P :@[angry] :$ which are mainly derived from MSN. Then, there are these, which rather than being 90degrees off, are to be looking at full on - >.< which is a glare and >.> a sideways glare. I'm not assuming you're stupid or anything; I didn't understand what they were without an explanation.
Hey, at least I don't text type! Incorrect grammar is something I hate. Remember, I'm Australian, so it's not a spelling error when I write things like "realised" rather than "realized" or "centre" instead of "center"; we measure our temperature in degrees Celsius, weight in mg/g/kg, length in cm/m/km, etc. Sorry if that sounded at all pompous, it wasn't meant to be.
I'm really easily peer pressured, it's probably a good thing that on the important matters I have friends I want to please equally who have opposite views, and I tend to side with the safer ones, at least for now.
Call me old fashioned but I believe that marriage is something that should last forever, while divorce is understandable in some cases, a lot of the times, problems can be worked out if that's what both parties really want. I want to marry someone who I know without a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with, who will feel the same about me.
People are the most important thing, above popularity, wealth, success, above anything else; I strongly believe that every person is equal. This does not mean that everyone is equal in skill levels etc., but rather that as a human being, they have feelings, hopes, beliefs, and different things they can contribute to our global society, and as humans they are worth no more or no less than any other, whether royalty or homeless person.
Money and possessions don't guarantee happiness.
The movement "To Write Love On Her Arms" is something incredibly meaningful to me, I can't quite put into words just how much it means; for something that has helped me gain the courage to live life, to take a stand for myself against the very worst of me, to believe in hope and to keep going, how can I explain that? Renee Yohe, who is the reason the movement began, is someone I look up to greatly. Read her story here
I believe in the need for community, that we all need each other. We are made to interact and live with one another. We are meant to support and depend on each other as necessary. It is the best way to live, sharing each others' burdens.
I believe that "Global is not a nice idea. Global is reality", that we as humans need to put aside what society tells us is important - putting self before everyone else. For my blog on that, click here.
Jamie Tworkowski's [of To Write Love On Her Arms] blog on the subject is here.
I believe in God but I am not a Christian, although I believe in everything it is about and was brought up in Christian home.
I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance. Perhaps even a third or fourth, perhaps even more. Whether a person is capable of forgiving someone harmful actions that many times is another matter. But people do change. And if we don't give everyone another chance when they request one, how will we ever know if they are one of those who deserve this chance, who will change? Maybe I'm a little too forgiving...
I used to self harm and while I have stopped now [since the 2nd of July, 2008], and I strongly believe for good, it is something which has overreaching consequences and I still struggle with the urges to. I had attempted to stop in previous years, but relapsed a couple of times, but I think I am strong enough and have the right motives for wanting to stop this time. This used to take the form of cutting, burning, hitting my head, overdosing on painkillers, etc. It is something I feel is not talked about enough and many people write it off as something done by someone seeking attention, or "emos" or those who are suicidal. This is not the case and I think it is important to raise awareness about the realities of this issue.
I am 16 years old and in 2009 will be starting my final year of high school. With my interests being literature and society and environment, I will be doing English Studies, Classical Studies, German and Biology/preferably Modern History. After high school I want to go to Uni. I think I would like to be a nurse so this is what I am planning to study, however I love writing and dream of being a published author someday as well. My reasons for wanting to be a nurse are mainly that I passionately want to do something to help people, although I am fairly open and flexible as to where this may take me.
Writing is something I have done for years now, and it is something I have always seemed to be fairly good at, as others have told me. I am not so confident in my own skills, but would love to accept this. I'm told my writing seems far more mature than that of a sixteen year old, I'm happy with that. I find writing to be helpful when I am upset, confused, etc. I have rarely felt as helpless as when I was not able to express my emotions. I love writing narratives as well, as you can see in my other blog, however I am working on doing so with more regularity.
My family consists of my parents and my one younger sister, younger by 364 days ^_^
I don't get along with my mum at all, my dad somewhat, but my sister and I are fairly close these days (: I am very protective of her. And regardless, I love my family. My parents are Indian but both I and my sister were born here in Adelaide, South Australia and I consider myself Australian. In 1998 and 1999, my family lived in Auckland, New Zealand, and although it was great, we ultimately moved back here to Adelaide, which I have to say is even better, although many people hate it since it's so quiet and there isn't a lot to do...
This year has been a turbulent one for me. I became even closer with my two girl best friends and became best friends with the guy who lives across the road from me and also goes to the same school in the same year level. Three months ago within one and a half weeks, lost them all permanently, or so I thought. Miserable because of this, I resorted to overdosing on painkillers at school in an attempt to stop thinking just for a while. The last time I had done this was the 12th of November, 2007. My other friends who realised what I had done told our homegroup teacher; an ambulance was called, and I had to spend that night and the next day in hospital attached to a drip.
Lots of things have changed since then, I now see a counsellor regularly =/ but she's actually great. I think you'll find I am actually a very positive and hopeful person. I am still hoping to fix things with my friends, and just two days ago, my guy friend who I had completely given up on having him as a friend again began to talk to me. Things are still awkward but hope is pulsing through my veins so strongly that I am getting swept away. My friends mean a lot to me, but I overreact a lot.
During the self harm, I had been told that it was something I would later regret; however I cannot bring myself to regret any of it. There is no point in ruing the past, when we cannot change it. We can change the future and that is what we should focus on. Any bad experience can be made good of if we choose to, and often these things that we live through can be used to help other people. That is what I hope to do, to be able to help others who are struggling with the same things by understanding what they have gone through and using my knowledge to benefit them in some way, as Renee of TWLOHA has done for me and so many others. In her words, "that is what the pain was for, and that is worth it all, and more."
I will add to this later and any help from any of my friends who read this would be great ;P But that's all for now. (:
Friday, November 28, 2008
I'm listening to music I like, that
I heard through Jake. His recommendation. His favourite bands. I dreamt about him again not last night, but the night before, at Hannah's. Nothing suss people, but I have had so many dreams with him...
I can't explain the feeling when I wake up, when he's not there... Not that I mean, physically there, because that would be weird... ;P
When he's not there in my life anymore. And I wake to that reality. And the memory of the dream is still fresh to me, the feelings and emotions, the friendship; and it hurts. That it no longer exists.
That it crumbled, and I didn't even see it coming. I thought it was just another one of our rough patches, and even then not that bad, that it was on the mend, again.
And right now, the pain of what has happened, the pain of not having him, not having my best friend, is so bad it is physically hurting. I don't like to breathe without him in my life. I don't want to breathe without him in my life.
It hurts to be alive without him in my life, to be breathing, sustaining my living, when he's not here! It doesn't make sense, why isn't he here? He should be. It is too much for me to take, that my mind reverts to this childish way of thinking. Selfish. Not understanding, but wanting clearly what I think should be.
It quite literally at this point in time hurts to breathe without him.
But it doesn't make sense.
And it SHOULDN'T be like this.
The nights when I wake, struggling to breathe because of the way it hurts so much, and this applies to Bec and Sacha as well, those are the nights I just cry and cry, if I can find the breath for it, that is. I wasn't lying all the times I told him that I needed him. All the times I told them all I needed them. I'm learning to live without him, to not need him. But I hate that I should have to. Perhaps it is a good thing, somehow. But I don't care. I would rather be friends with him than not, if being friends with him was the worst thing for me...
Jake, I think I'd love you now no matter what. I'd love you even if you were Russian and I never had the chance to know you, I'd love you if you hurt me in every possible way you could, if you tried to hurt me by hurting the other people I love, and I know you wouldn't even do that, but if you did... I still would love you.
I don't love people in a way that's easily thrown off. And you are no different.
I would do anything for you.
And I can't explain, ever, how much I miss you.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Just A Thought
In these blogs, most of us here who have joined who I know, are revealing some of our most intimate thoughts...
Now would this enable us to like a person more, if this was the way we got to know them, through their blog of personal thoughts? If this was the first thing we knew of them. I think so, because we'd be seeing themselves through their eyes, we'd feel their pain, we'd be led to sympathise with them; while, if we knew them in real life, it's quite possible we could hate them because of how they seem to us... so many people are good at concealing the feelings they have inside that render them the same as, with the same questions, same feelings, or even different ones, but still, imperfections, things that make them similar to us; and this makes it easier to feel closer to them, I think.
Or judge that they are pathetic or horrible, even. But I don't think so. Unless they really are. But as an outsider, looking in on a situation, it may be easy to think a person is pathetic. Seeing their personal take on their situation can sometimes completely change that.
I dunno... I just think that perhaps this openness, perhaps it is a good thing to employ. This honesty. In real life, it may be a bit odd to meet someone and instantly spill your heart, but I think, being honest and 0pen to an appropriate degree has definite advantages. I don't know...
I'm not entirely sure of the point I'm trying to make lol. But, like, on my blogs, it has the option to say "you're emo" as a reaction. these are anonymous. and yet no one has done it yet, and considering some of my blogs lately ^_^...
Another thing. I think sometimes, we let our love for others be conditional. Even if we don't realise, even with those we love most, we can set small conditions on this love. Not so as to completely turn away from a person, but so as to act unlovingly towards them, which is perfectly reasonable, but it is still a condition that is set. That if a person doesn't act a certain way or do a certain thing, we can sometimes act as though we don't love them at all. And since actions speak louder than words...
Mmm I dunno.
also i keep freaking out thinking there are bugs on me... there was a spider on my arm two days ago, tiny but ehh. and last night like quite a few bugs. and since ze spider, i've been freaking out. and you know when it feels like something moves on your arm or whatever and you're like, !. hah it's that, and sometimes like a length of hair has fallen on my arm or idk, just sensations. and i freak. and like spaz lol. ughhh. or maybe i'm insane. like that disorder... idk which one lol.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
God. Love.
"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
God I need to learn to lean on you. But for now I don't find myself able to accept anything of you. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's too late.
It's never too late >.<
other versions...
"God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us."
"God is our mighty fortress,
always ready to help
in times of trouble.
And so, we won't be afraid!
Let the earth tremble
and the mountains tumble
into the deepest sea.
Let the ocean roar and foam,
and its raging waves
shake the mountains. "
Or in German if you fancy that -
"(Ein Lied der Kinder Korah, von der Jugend, vorzusingen.) Gott ist unsre Zuversicht und Stärke. Eine Hilfe in den großen Nöten, die uns getroffen haben.
2Darum fürchten wir uns nicht, wenngleich die Welt unterginge und die Berge mitten ins Meer sänken,
3wenngleich das Meer wütete und wallte und von seinem Ungestüm die Berge einfielen. "
hah sorry. but i find comparisons between different translations interesting and insightful...
And.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
- 1 Corinthians 13
I absolutely love this passage. It describes what I believe is the most pure, true form of love. I aim to love with this for my guidelines. Whatever your beliefs in the existence / relevance of God + Christianity, I think you can still learn from this and apply it. Even if you are against it, don't discredit or write off anything immediately because it has to do with a God you don't believe in or whatever. One can sometimes learn much from things even that in essence, they disagree with. This may or may not be addressed just in part to Daniel Brown lol.
A bit later on in the chapter - "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
I have mentioned how important I feel love is. Its power is incredible. Unbeatable. This simply complements my thoughts.
And and and.
I would like to say. Every person is important. Every person's thoughts and opinions matter. Every person has the ability to change the world. It is easy to feel insignificant, just one among the millions. But every person has great power within themselves. Every person has the power to influence another, whether they choose to use it, and if they choose to use it for good or bad are another matter. But I want to leave this with you, [oh how I love quotes] "Believe your voice can mean something".
k thnx bai >;D
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
All I need
is you to promise me you'll never leave.
Just convince me.
I need your unconditional love.
I can be anything as long as I'm not without you.
I can be anything as long as I'm not alone
As long as I'm not unloved.
God, yeah. But I have not gone to God yet and I don't know if I can find my way to him anymore, I never have been able to before. And I tried, I really did. But there are things stopping me, always have been. And these obstacles have been accumulating. God is the answer. I know that with such conviction. Regardless of whatever any of you say.
I need you because I need someone. I have my standards for friends and you're high above them, I'll bring you down.
I will test you because I need to be sure. Test you till I break that and then wonder why I feel so empty and hollow when I thought I would feel satisfied, that I was right after all. But find out it's not what I really want.
And I don't even really believe that, what I just said. I don't do that. Okay, I do sometimes. But not...
I need you. Everyone of you. I need you who I don't even know. I need someone to listen, someone to care.
I'm just a selfish person.
But I'm so much more.
I just need you to make me that.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Yay for old country music
Hah I was just listening to some old stuff, (L)
Just thought I'd put the lyrics in here.
I do not have the ex best friend partly in mind here.. <.< Of course not! Haha.
Except I am not going to let him or anyone make me forget or "unlove" him...
Even if it was possible, as put forth by song lyrics ^_^
"How can I unsay the things I said to you?
How can I undo the things that we used to do?
Tell me how can I unfeel the way I feel for you, how can I unlove you?
How can I untie the hold that you got on me?
When you won't unchain my heart and set me free.
How can I unremember every memory, so how can I unlove you?
I'll never never uncry tears that I cried when you said goodbye.
No I'll never never unmiss the thrill that I missed when we used to kiss
How can I unsay the things I said to you?
And how can I undo the things that we used to do?
Tell me how can I unfeel the way I feel for you, how can I unlove you?
Oh I'll never never uncry...
How can I unlove you, how can I unlove you, how can I unlove you?"
Let's just set the record straight, do not take "the things that we used to do" in any kind of sexual way hah. >.>
I will write a more interesting update blog like the one I began to write at 5 this morning before falling asleep >.< , as a reward when I have done my CTS essay and can concentrate. Don't hold your breath waiting.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Striving for Perfection: Response to Kate's
Kate just posted a blog on how everyone attempts to attain perfection. This struck me as slightly odd. So I'm going to throw in my own two cents on the matter...
Personally, I have never felt the need to be perfect. But perhaps it is hiding under another title? Let us examine this ;D
I can never recall wanting to be perfect, as such. I never thought that I could. It is unattainable, in this life. We are but people, marred by the human condition, and not as a Christian but as someone who has seen different attempts to better this, I would say God has the answer.
Feel free to disagree with me on that, I know some of you don't believe in His existence or think that if He is real, well let's just say you don't think too favourably of him. I have seen many people who think like this, and I think it is sad. That people blame God for the bad things in life. What about Satan? People laughingly say things about the devil, but never think to blame him for the bad things, God bears the brunt of discontentment at the negative things in the world. Of course, this probably has a lot to do with the numerous people who do bad things in the name of God. Consider that they may claim to be doing God's will, but are they really, honestly even in contact with God, or perhaps the devil in his most favoured form of subtle deception, not outright wickedness?
But since I myself am not a Christian, I'm not really the right person to defend this view. I do agree with it. I do believe in God. As yet, I remain undecided on the whole thing. I don't know what stops me. But let's save spirituality for another time / blog. It's a fascinating subject to say the least.
Let me just add I am listening to Perfect - Simple Plan to fit this theme hah.
AND OMG. I just realised. In the live version, when Pierre says "let's give it up for" all these different bands, he mentions Billy Talent. I only just heard them for the first time a couple of months ago. And I knew they were from Canada. But hah how odd. To me..
Moving on.
As "people, marred by the human condition..." we should never expect to reach perfection. Of course, we all have unrealistic expectations, of both ourselves and others. But, and again, this is personally, I relish being, not perfect. I like having flaws. Since, after all, everyone else too. Think about it this way, if we were perfect, if life was perfect, we would have nothing left to do. Nothing to work on, nothing to work to, everything would get relatively boring, to my manner of thinking. Strange how inversely optimistic and cheery I can be in certain ways.
I don't expect to ever reach a state where there is nothing for me to improve on. That said, I do know my flaws. I do know that there are things I should work on to improve myself. But at the same time, I am learning to be content with who I am in the moment.
I don't know how I can keep talking about this without bringing God into it.
It is because no one is perfect, no one can make it on their own, that God steps in. Those who blame God and ask why he didn't make us flawless, why he didn't make us to automatically choose the right thing, think about it. God gave us the freedom to make the choice. He gave us free will. If we were just, essentially, mindless puppets, that would not be a very great life. So in His love, he gave us that choice, knowing the heartbreaking pain he would experience as we made the wrong decisions. Because, like anyone who loves someone else, when something happens to that person that causes them pain, anyone who loves them will suffer too, they will experience pain.
I know that some of you don't believe in God, but I just can't see how things work when you take God out of them. So much just doesn't make sense without there being something out there, something unexplainable by the laws that supposedly govern the universe. So, you could take God out of the picture, but to not believe in ANYTHING, something, that defies explanation, I cannot see it. God, to me, makes the most sense, and perhaps that is my upbringing, but I have been given a lot of information on this, my dad talks to people every single Friday night who believe all different things, or don't believe in anything, and discusses the possibility of Christianity being real. To do this he must have some convincing proofs, and people do find themselves changing their beliefs during these conversations. My dad is not just a persuasive speaker, he has arguments that are backed up with proof. And so, I would say that I have reason to what I believe, although I'm not so good with remembering it hah.
But everyone believes different things, and I'm okay with that. Note again that I do not believe in relativism.
Gah back to topic.
I think that society is a lot to blame for people's desire for perfection. Not to just pass off the blame onto society as a whole, but the values that we have come to admire through the celebrities and people we place on pedestals. And if we see these people as being better or more important than us, whether subconsciously or not, if even they are going to, in Kate's words, "prance around with anorexia, striving to be a size zero", as one example, in body shape and weight areas, then what are we going to think? That if even they are trying to be more of something than they are, when realistically they are fine in that area; in holding themselves to unrealistic expectations, we doom ourselves to taking on these same desires. We sometimes create the pressure on these people, it is really a never ending circle and who is to say where it begun? Whether or not it is too late to fix these kinds of issues, I cannot say. Sadly, I am inclined to believe it is not possible, too many in the industry, media and film producers and all the people behind the scenes are too selfish and are all too busy reaching for these impossible goals that they place them above others' welfare. So they demand thinner celebrities and the like.
I could go on about that side of it for hours.
I agree with Kate that we can "strive to be "perfect" because it gives a meaning to life." Everyone needs to have a meaning to life, a purpose that gives them something to live for. Because if they wake up one day and realise that they, really, have nothing to live for, it would be terrifying.
Whether our purposes and reasons to live are delusions, unrealistic goals, or whatever, we rely on them. We need them. I just think we need to look closer, look for a more solid purpose. There is so much more to live for than to try to be perfect. And even in this media controlled, desperately searching world, there is hope. So many people are reaching for perfection. Searching. Perhaps they are looking for the wrong thing. What is it that we really need?
No one should feel the need to be perfect. I'm not asking you, if you do, to just throw that away. I'm not that unrealistic. But I believe there is more to live for than aiming for perfection. I would not aim for perfection. I would aim to love. Because love can do a lot. Love can change the world. Make no mistake, love is the most powerful thing out there. It can overcome almost anything. It can help with all the pain in life, it can help carry you through. I don't mean just love in a partner type situation. I mean every kind of love ever thought of, every single kind of love that perhaps hasn't even been able to be expressed through words. Not love in words, but love in action. Love human to human, reaching out to one another. There is not enough love in the world these days. But I think if we love as much, as fiercely as we can, more than we think able, that is the best we can do. Love is painful, it is sharing other's sorrows, taking on pain you don't have to feel.
But it is my belief it is the right way.
Sorry if I am coming across as heavy handed. I get carried away..
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect"
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