I was in the middle of writing a huge post via the dodgy internet on my dad's phone since I hadn't been on a computer all day, which is truly something rare for me (which is pathetic), when it did this crazy thing it sometimes does. I'm elaborate like that. So, by mistake, as a reflex, I hit the wrong key, and with a flash of smoke and all that, my wonderful post was gone.
So forgive me, I'll be back with regular computer tomorrow sometime as I'm too disheartened and demoralised (and pissed off) to try to write anything more, let alone rewrite that post.
Night xx
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Interruption of Regular Programming
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Oh hai, I hate Twilight.
I really do.
Today was uncomfortable. A room shared with the ex best friend for fourty-five minutes, occasional furtive glances and a few times seeing his. If he is in the room, I can't help but look at him. I'm almost hyper-aware of his presence, and although it's reached the point where I can actually concentrate on what I'm doing, upon first realisation I still lose my train of thought completely. It's not much better with the other two. But I digress. This post wasn't to be about that. [I need to learn to keep it to myself. I can't continue to complain. But Sacha, I miss you.]
I'm getting solid B grades for returning pieces of work, but I'm a little worried about my major English assignment for the year. It consists of a comparison between two novels, involving close analysis of each. My first book, is Breath by Tim Winton. It's an average - good novel, and I love Winton's writing style, although the subject matter isn't all that great for the majority of the text, to my mind. Our English teacher had told us when we initially chose our first book to not worry about thinking about the second at all, at the time. She's helping most other students pick their second text now and there isn't much time to decide. The problem is that I cannot think of a second book to pair mine with, and as it is a relatively recently published novel, my teacher hasn't read it as yet, even though she owns a copy. She tells me she doesn't think she can just quickly read a Tim Winton novel, well I say get off your ass and freaking do it, you can skim if needs be, just get a general idea and help me because you said it was a good idea when I first chose Breath and I do not want to fail because of you!
However, when it comes to other subjects, I'm not satisfied with B's, particularly when it comes to Classical Studies. Classical Studies and English are what I am good at, as literary subjects, and 75% for an essay is not something I'm happy with. I know I didn't "explore" the different forms of love shown in The Odyssey enough, but I didn't know how to, and frankly, my teacher did not make it clear throughout his repeated explanations. There were multiple questions or statements we could choose from about The Odyssey, and I almost changed mine and rewrote the entire the night before it was due. I refrained, thankfully.
My essay was originally almost 500 words over the maximum amount, so cutting that down probably reduced its quality also. But talking about school work is boring. I have been told that I write well, etc. by teachers so that is half encouraging.
Uh, I got distracted finding people who agree with me that Twilight sucks more than anything else on earth, apart from Twilight fan fics. And now I really need to get to homework, sorry. Proper post soon.
xx
Monday, April 27, 2009
Letters to People I
Dear EBF,
Last night that thing you said you'd protect me from, along with David, almost happened again. I was so scared, but this time I was angry too, which is never good because I'm far more likely to do something stupid. I was trembling afterwards, but the sobbing was more for you than anything else.
Before, I wouldn't have been so alone. Even in the incident I told you about, I was terrified out of my fucking mind, but I had someone, even if they were separated from me by the sea and god knows how many miles. The second time, you knew, as well, and the only thing that made it better was talking to you. You know how I suck at keeping my own secrets, but this is one only you and David knew, and not very much even then.
I was scared, last night. I thought surely it would end in something that would no longer be possible to hide. Broken bones type of something.
"don't come nearer or I'll kill you".
Ohmygod. It's bringing it back now, although it's fine, now.
But the worst part was not being able to go to you for comfort, to make me feel safe again, even as we shivered in the freezing cold of this weather, out at the park, or maybe the cubby house in the playground at your primary school. Even though I probably wouldn't fill you in on all the details, you'd still care. I'd hate how cold you'd get, but as worried as I would get, it wouldn't be so bad because you'd actually want to be there, and I'd know I wasn't just making you stay. (I don't "know" anything anymore, I second guess everything these days.) Instead I lay in the darkness, trying to pretend.
I'm not so great at pretending.
And when fear receded, I waited for the tension to slowly seep away too.
This was no replacement for one of your hugs.
I love you. I miss you. I hate calling you EBF and wish I could just write your name. [Jake.]
xoxox
Sunday, April 26, 2009
"I live on raw emotion, baby"
I meant to write a brilliantly eloquent post yesterday about ANZAC Day; however, this evil beast named homework had me in its fearsome grip. I did (half) kick its ass, but I still have some catch up work to do and we go back to school tomorrow, so apart from my nightly phone call with Jimit, and the one I just concluded with him, I’ve had no contact with the outer world since Friday evening… Unless you count church. Which I don’t.
On the topic of church, though, in paying attention I was challenged today. Not a Christian and all that, but even on another note, I am far too argumentative and unwilling to help out, particularly with family. I mean to work on that, so let’s see how that goes.
I had a brilliant topic to post about but it has crawled out of my head and is trembling on some high ledge somewhere, about to jump. Thanks, you’ve been a lot of help (I hate you). So I’m all out of sleep and blog fodder (For this blog in particular at least), and I’m listening to Maroon 5. Confession – I cannot get enough of boy bands. Backstreet Boys, LMNT (look them up), Maroon 5, Matchbox 20 – I can’t help it. The Beach Boys, Kelly Clarkson and Daniel Bedingfield all feature in my iTunes. The shame, the shame. Or rather, the guilty pleasure. This is not at all what I wanted to speak of, and more like something I’d aim to post on Let's Talk About The Tour Guide but whatever Trevor, we can’t always get what we want and I have a fabulous post idea lined up there. I need sleep (or a coffee).
Is “fabulous” really spelt like that? It just looks wrong to me…
Anyhow.
The school holidays are over for me at 11.59PM tonight, and it’s back to school for another gruelling ten weeks. Year 12 is hell. Thank god it’s the last year. No one mention Uni, I may slit your throat. If I keep it off my mind, that negativity of it all may not grind my soul into the dust, kay??
Biology is calling, and it is something of a bitch. A very large something. I have never said the words “I don’t care” and meant it so heartily except in reference to that subject synonymous with death. Although, German is quite possibly on par with that.
Bai guys. Catch you on the flipside.
xx
Friday, April 24, 2009
It's Days Like This I Want to Keep Forever
Now that my low of before (last post) is over, I'm back to the happier self I keep finding that I am, more than usual. The disappointing of others is something I hate, particularly my dad. So why is it so hard to quit the things that would make him unhappy, particularly those he doesn't yet know about? He tries so hard to help others out of situations like the ones I jump into, and it's time I start being a daughter he can be proud of. That's going to be ultra hard. Karma's gonna be a bitch when I hit parenthood.
I want moments, when I'm a parent, like that with my best friend's nephew, Devin, today. Devin is newly eight and I've spent a lot of time with him lately, some sort of unexpected benefit of spending so much time with my best friend, especially during holidays. I remember trying to teach him to swim, with my best friend, when he was five. From then to the next time I saw him, he didn't remember me. Now he'll hang out just with me all the time when I'm over, showing me the stories he's written and trying out new impersonations and chasing me around the house in a tickling war. Today, he gave me a hug when I had to leave. Does that make me feel extra special? I know I bitch about little kids all the time, and I still think of him as one, but it's kids like him that reassure me I do want my own. (Still not too keen on the pregnancy/giving birth thing, but who knows?) While sometimes he is as frustrating as anything, he's so much fun to have around. I know, it's nothing like having to look after him all the time, and there's the dreaded baby stage to get past first, but it honestly is a joy to know him. So yes, that hug made me smile a lot, in a completely non pedophile way.
He is a never ending source of laughter, including his pretending to be female and putting on a very feminine walk while proclaiming in a high sing-song voice, "I'm a lady, I'm a lady!" repeatedly, much to our hilarity, although his older brother Miguel was much disturbed. The flower stuck in his hair merely added to the comic scene.
Aside - I just picked up on 11.11 for the first time in months, I hope you too made a wish. Regardless of how superstitious you consider yourself to be, it's something fun to do. I take this as a good sign, that I haven't missed it today. (:
Devin lives with my best friend's family and his mother, although with her impending wedding early next year, that is soon to change. I hope I'll see him again. I do love my best friend's family, with Miguel, a high school P.E. teacher and DJ, and their oldest sister Claudia, Devin's mum. My best friend's twin brother has, in turn, ended up a pretty cool guy, in stark contrast to his painful primary school years. I spend enough time over at their house that, as Miguel puts it, I should be paying rent.
I miss that, with my family, that casual family camaraderie. I get along great with my sister, like I've said, and also with my dad sometimes, an occurrence that grows ever the rarer, to my sadness, and my relationship with my mum is terrible. When our family is together as a group of four, it usually ends in arguments, screaming and tears. Occasionally a good natured bickering will be the worst it gets, but I miss the days when we would properly converse as a family unit and tempers wouldn't flare so quickly. I'm partly to blame, of course. We all are. But even with all of our fighting, I love my family and I know I can rely on them when needs be.
So anyway, today. It was supposed to be spent with my best friend Kathleen, our good friend Michelle, and Jimit, who Kathleen hasn't met yet but wants to. Jimit is Michelle's ex of two years ago, and trust me, she does not have a problem with us ever getting together. Conversely, she encourages it, far too enthusiastically, speculating about a possible marriage between us in the future, and even goes so far as to mention children at times. I try to head her off before it gets this far, but that is the way she is, even when Jimit and I were simply friends. She tends to think ahead like that.
Michelle was busy and then Jimit was grounded, and so, it ended up being Kathleen and I. We had a good day. Nothing notable, but there was much laughter, much good music, much falling over, and far too much (and far too loud) singing of High School Musical in the open street. Kathleen tasted my coffee, decided she liked it, and ended up drinking half of it which I in my excitement over her liking coffee gave to her. This resulted in extreme hyperactivity on her end for the next 45 minutes and much hilarity for me. I imagine she is exactly the same when drunk, but apparently caffeine will get the same reaction and, no hangover? What could possibly be bad about this situation? Nothing. ;D We ate curried tuna from tubs in the middle of the mall and attempted to slurp melted Maxibon ice creams in the food court. There were extreme amounts of "I love you"s, "I hate you"s and "You love me"s exchanged, an obvious some in jest, and much spontaneous rhyming and over dramatising throughout the day. Good friends were bumped into and we deliberated long and hard over presents for upcoming birthdays, ice cream type, pie or water, and various items of clothing and music. We bought books and recommended more to each other, and swapping of objects took place. We were laughed at by a number of other people, and contemplated where else we may possibly apply for jobs. I even did some Maths homework while in her company.
All in all, it was essentially a good, while largely uneventful day, the details of which are not important. It was the company. I’m very lucky to have such a friend, who I have known for such a long time. Unfortunately I cannot say we have been friends as long, since for some time in our last year of primary school, we hated each other for some ridiculous reason. Together with Michelle we make an indomitable trio, and is that not the way friendships should be? After all, love conquers all, and a very real and necessary form of love is that in the bond of friendship.
Dear god did I really just get that sappy? Perhaps Nic[h?]olas fucking Sparks has infected me… Granted, I read those three or four or five of his books months and months ago, but they still haunt me today. Separately, they’re great. But back to back, I don’t think I could vomit fast enough. If I threw up over such things, that is. Seriously, guys. Do not read too many of his books. You may kill yourself over the predictability of the endings, the way a man can think so like a woman that he details the shaving of her legs in the shower [!!!] and the oh so perfect happy endings. I’m all for happy endings, but a little realism also hits the spot, y’all.
Anyhow, die Madre bids me fare the interwebs goodnight for now. I shall see thee all in the morrow.
Night xx
P.S. Pray I finish all my homework before school starts. I’m probably just going to die instead, but whatever Trevor. I am really that lame. You wish you were as cool as me ;)
P.S.S. When I mood swing only once, and only into reflections and not "oh I hate my life" emo type shit, in a day, I think this day was pretty kick ass. Apart from that one thing but srsly what the fuck man. I honestly don't get what's the big deal. Oh, maybe I'm being insensitive. I like to do that sometimes. But -_-
P.S.S. Don’t forget. ANZAC Day. Lest We Forget.
"It's not the end of the world,
In fact it's not even the end of the summer,
But thank god the TV is on..."
Because I'd rather that than being with you.
I try. I do. And yet, it grows ever harder to mean what I say, when I say that.
[I love you.]
It was true, once. What happened?
And you know what, I could care less, but that's not to say that I care enough as it is. Is it worse to maintain this facade than to reveal the truth? I still care enough not to do that. For, honestly, I think the latter in this case is the more damaging course of action. And the "facade" is built with a mixture of lies, truth and half-felt emotions. Its a matter of selfishness also, and a nostalgia for the past.
I love you, like a worn out shirt that I can't quite throw out.
If I removed everything with association, you'd be third on the pile. But I think I'd steal you back at the very last second.
Half guilty, half gleeful. And keeping secrets was never such a thrill. Yet, it gets lonely when there's no one to confess them to. Silly secrets, big secrets, they all have their place. But I was never one to keep secrets, and it eats at me like it does at this blog. What happened to openness? What happened to honesty?
Can you recall naivety? Really recall?
I wonder if I've lost anything less than my soul, but then, perhaps I've lost everything less as well.
There are more questions than answers in this universe, and that's where faith comes in. Can one have faith without hope? I'd beg to differ. But no hope is better than false hope. I'll still justify my position, for without some form of hope I wouldn't be here, and until I can exchange mine for better, I'll stick with fake. A few hours of delusion never hurt; ask those who leave their sorrows at the bottom of a bottle. Deaden the pain that tells you something's wrong. Courage? What courage? I'll take my courage from a shot glass.
I use your words in placement of the blades I once dragged across my skin. You wouldn't want it but I'm all too eager to take them, for nothing is worse.
I've become the one you try to help, what you tried to warn me against, but only behind your back. I'm a disappointment enough as it is, yes? I take in much more than you'd think, but it's yet another case of '"I'm sorry" isn't enough'. I'd ask for forgiveness but I think that's more than I deserve, although you'd tell me otherwise. It's different in context, is it not? That bitterness keeps you up at night, although the parallels aren't as clear to you as they are to me. Is this a part of His plan? Because I know as well as you that only one other wanted this. All things work for the good of those... I'm not one of those, but you are. So where is the goodness here? I'm not doubting, but questioning. It is not my place, but what can I say? It is not so much your answers I want, but your comfort.
All I want is my own happy ending, and I don't even need a prince and castle.
Okay, my ramblings are over, for now. Take a guess as to what is addressed to whom, if you so wish. I can bet you won't guess correctly, or at least, not a hundred percent.
Night. xx
P.S. The anger and the hurt only stems from all this confusion, that "just tumbled from a washing machine" feeling.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
"It's funny, but you never think much about breathing. Until it's all you ever think about."
We come across many, many people as we walk through life.
Out of those we make an impression on, how long does that last?
Out of those we make a connection with, how long do we keep that flourishing?
Do we let the special ones go sometimes? Make no mistake, it is all too easy to do this, and I don't even have them in my mind here, although it applies there also.
I miss so many people. Justin, in particular. I've let myself fall completely apart to him over the time I've known him so often, and he has always been there to comfort me. I miss him. He's special. He's such an amazing person, ask anyone who knows him. I'm so lucky to know him...
If you have such people in your lives, or anyone really, that is special to you, don't take them for granted. Especially family. They are so easy to underappreciate,, just because they are always there. They're like air, water. Until we are without them we don't realise how much we need them.
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