"It's not the end of the world,

In fact it's not even the end of the summer,
But thank god the TV is on..."

Because I'd rather that than being with you.


I try. I do. And yet, it grows ever harder to mean what I say, when I say that.
[I love you.]
It was true, once. What happened?

And you know what, I could care less, but that's not to say that I care enough as it is. Is it worse to maintain this facade than to reveal the truth? I still care enough not to do that. For, honestly, I think the latter in this case is the more damaging course of action. And the "facade" is built with a mixture of lies, truth and half-felt emotions. Its a matter of selfishness also, and a nostalgia for the past.

I love you, like a worn out shirt that I can't quite throw out.

If I removed everything with association, you'd be third on the pile. But I think I'd steal you back at the very last second.

Half guilty, half gleeful. And keeping secrets was never such a thrill. Yet, it gets lonely when there's no one to confess them to. Silly secrets, big secrets, they all have their place. But I was never one to keep secrets, and it eats at me like it does at this blog. What happened to openness? What happened to honesty?

Can you recall naivety? Really recall?

I wonder if I've lost anything less than my soul, but then, perhaps I've lost everything less as well.

There are more questions than answers in this universe, and that's where faith comes in. Can one have faith without hope? I'd beg to differ. But no hope is better than false hope. I'll still justify my position, for without some form of hope I wouldn't be here, and until I can exchange mine for better, I'll stick with fake. A few hours of delusion never hurt; ask those who leave their sorrows at the bottom of a bottle. Deaden the pain that tells you something's wrong. Courage? What courage? I'll take my courage from a shot glass.

I use your words in placement of the blades I once dragged across my skin. You wouldn't want it but I'm all too eager to take them, for nothing is worse.

I've become the one you try to help, what you tried to warn me against, but only behind your back. I'm a disappointment enough as it is, yes? I take in much more than you'd think, but it's yet another case of '"I'm sorry" isn't enough'. I'd ask for forgiveness but I think that's more than I deserve, although you'd tell me otherwise. It's different in context, is it not? That bitterness keeps you up at night, although the parallels aren't as clear to you as they are to me. Is this a part of His plan? Because I know as well as you that only one other wanted this. All things work for the good of those... I'm not one of those, but you are. So where is the goodness here? I'm not doubting, but questioning. It is not my place, but what can I say? It is not so much your answers I want, but your comfort.

All I want is my own happy ending, and I don't even need a prince and castle.

Okay, my ramblings are over, for now. Take a guess as to what is addressed to whom, if you so wish. I can bet you won't guess correctly, or at least, not a hundred percent.

Night. xx

P.S. The anger and the hurt only stems from all this confusion, that "just tumbled from a washing machine" feeling.

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This is hard(NO "that's what she said" jokes please, yes, CarCrashHearts, I am looking at you). God is at more of a forefront in my life now than almost any other point previously. But it's no easier than before. I am so confused. What am I doing wrong? What am I not getting?
It seems like I'm missing something.
I want this.
So what is it that is getting lost in translation?

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Hi, I'm Toivoa and I want to save the world

Really.

Yes, I did switch back to "Toivoa", I'm a little attached now and besides, I've had the encouragement from a couple of my blogging friends to do so, since they also like it. It may change again at a later date, but for now, I remain Toivoa.

I wish I had the power to make everyone happy. But more than that, I wish I could make things right for everyone. As I've come to realise, being happy doesn't mean that what is causing this is right, and, in the long term, can cause more damage than good. More often than not, what is right is painful, and hard, and sometimes we do not see the reward even in this life. But it should be done because it is right. You may say that I see the world in black and white, but I do see the many shades of grey. However, on some things, there are only two options. I do not believe that truth is relative. If we say that Santa is real, if we believe that Santa is real, that does not change the fact that he is real. In the times of believing the earth was flat, it was still round. If we believed that we should give way to our left rather than our right here in Australia, the road rules remain the same and we would be screwed... If we believe we should kill someone for such and such a reason, that does not mean we are right, no matter how it is justified in our minds (and I hope none of my readers believe they should kill anyone, that's a little bit disturbing...) Yeah, I don't understand where I come up with half of my examples either.
Anyway, I believe you can see the point I am trying to make.

What makes this so much more confusing is how right and wrong are often mixed in together. In the bible study I am dragged along to on Sundays by my parents (please note the use of the word "dragged", this is not of my choosing by any stretch of the imagination), we have just looked at how Satan does this. I brought this point up actually. (Ironically, I'd be a great Christian if we based such things on biblical knowledge in regards to age; I'm pretty well informed, for my age. I also have been memorising verses of Scripture literally since the time I could speak sentences. But we'll see.) What is done, though, time and time again, is a lie wrapped in with the truth, or a shred of truth woven through a lie. Of course, ultimately, this whole thing is untrue, but what is so horribly devious about this is how we can see the truth there...

I had learnt this myself, that in lying to my parents, if it was to be as believable as possible, I should make it as truthful I could. For instance, if I was going to hang out just with a guy, I'd say that I was going with them, but also with at least one other girl or a few more people.
That's why knowing what the right thing is, in so many cases, so hard to figure out. Life isn't black and white, it's full of different shades, and we haven't even mentioned the colours!

One thing I struggle with majorly is the verse in Scripture that states that "the heart of man is deceitful above all things". To say that we are liars at the core of our beings is something I am not reconciled with. I always search for the good in people, that is why, even in the majority of terrible people, I find a justification of their actions, however slight; at least understanding the reasons why they have done such a thing, what may have pushed them to do so. I take away the blame from them even just a little, because I believe that there is good in everyone, because I am highly sympathetic. But is that really true? I'm not sure. (Look, I'm a teenager. And I'm admitting to not being sure about something... I must be learning to temper my pride... Hah oh GOD I need some more coffee. Or sleep.)

Believing the best of everyone isn't a good thing. It can lead to being easily deceived. Gullible, as some would say. I am very gullible. I forgive countless times; and David springs to mind here. Liar liar liar screams an inner voice nearly every time I talk to him these days, but there are numerous times beforehand when I have ignored that voice and trusted him once more.
I believe that forgiveness is very important, but it doesn't mean that one must trust the person again, for that can be foolish. [I should take my own words on board here.]

I am more cynical than I once was, but I do still take people at face value, I do trust people too easily. It is the opposite of mistrusting everyone, but it is not the better of the two, a balance is needed. While I hate the sound of the word "prudence", in itself is something I need to gain. This will only come with time and experience, I think...

Anyway, I have a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her, more than once, with his ex girlfriend. Not just a hook up, but they slept together, several times, behind her back. He also had considered suicide and faced depression blah, all that jazz, and I had discussed these with him a couple of times while said friend was favourably disposed towards him, aka when they were still a couple. Even when she hated him, and rightly so, I still kinda felt sorry for him... Please don't hurt me, you, his thankfully ex-girlfriend! See, I sympathise with people too easily...

I just wish I could help every person who is upset, I hate to see people upset, and I hate to be helpless and unable to make them feel better, at the least. I would give anything to be able to do this for people...

[Yeah that ^^^ was pretty much the original point of this post but it's kinda flat, I had someone distracting me and I was trying not to cry... I'm sensitive to being guilt tripped, like I said recently, even if it's as a joke, and I'm actually really upset at the moment lol. Don't ask.]

Yeah anyway, you know that coffee I mentioned? Considering my last was an hour ago, I really need to take myself up on that suggestion. Face it. Admit it or not, you love my early morning ramblings in which I try to sound mature and pass off my sixteen years of experience as tried and tested and set in stone realisations about life, managing only to show that sleep helps to bring down the random tangents and possibly even lend structure to my writing, which is why I should possibly indulge in a little more of it...
Or perhaps I should just stop here.

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"You're worth,
losing my self esteem."

I have been giving myself away too cheaply, too easily. Of course, this makes me sounds like a slut realising that she could make more money out of it as a whore, but that is not exactly what I am referring to...

I'm so sick of violence. So sick of fighting, and pain. Sick of bad decisions on my part that leave me feeling hollow, empty. I'm sick of realisng afterward just how much I'm going to regret my choices and actions. Of how I keep trying to deaden the feelings and how the emptiness is fed by it.

A remotely violent movie has me upset and on the verge of crying. I feel so fragile these days, with flashes of memory leaving me regretful.

I also want to avoid most of my male friends since it seems that I cannot have a relationship with a guy that will stay a mere friendship... It always tends to become at least slightly more. The only friend I can say that hasn't happened with, who is single, is Nick; and of course Greg during the few months he was single, but since I truly consider him to be my brother, that's just not even plausible. I want to have a simple friendship with a guy, like I had with the ex best friend. Even though we did hook up but that wasn't anything. Well, it kinda was. But it was irrelevant to our friendship. It is also very highly irritating to have one's boobs named... by a friend from church, something I find a little odd.

Then, on Friday I went to the movies with a guy who I met at that community service week but only talked to on the last day, he was nice; but then, he kissed me. WHY? I'm not that attractive (I'm being perfectly honest, I was studying my face completely objectively on webcam to a friend the other night... >;D) and okay I'd say my personality's pretty decent, or at least, seems so at first ;P but, really, are you just desperate???

Okay, I may not have discouraged him when he went to hold my hand and then put his arm around me, but what was I supposed to do? Just move away? Sure, that may have been an option, but that would have been so awkward afterwards; and really, I am terrible at reacting to anything of that kind...

I won't lie, I like attention from guys. But at the same time it makes me want to run away. I am not comfortable with it and I am terrified that they may actually even end up liking me... because then they might want a relationship. And I'm dead scared of being in a relationship. I don't think I'd be a very good girlfriend...

But at the same time I am rapidly getting tired of random hook ups and the like, the friends with benefits type thing...

And really, I'm not that hot. I like you saying that a couple of times. After that, it scares me. And triggers the flight instinct. Plus, you obviously aren't paying that much attention.

This wasn't meant to be a post about guys. haha

I've been thinking about God a lot lately. I'm sick of doing things my way and just making a mess of my life, and I want someone who knows better and wants what's best for me to take over; but I'm not sure quite what's stopping me. I don't think I'm quite ready. But I want to be. I really do, so much. I've got almost everything sorted out, but not the singular most important detail. I'm not worried about just following my parents' beliefs anymore, because I know that is definitely not relevant to my decision. I mean, it's obviously had an influence but what I decide is based on what I feel is real, and there's a lot of proof...

It's just still about making it personal. I don't know how to do that.

P.S. ACTUAL LOL - my sister just asked my mum, "Have you even got any in the last three years???" I'm absolutely certain I've taken that completely out of context, but I'm highly amused >;D

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Interview

That Damn Expat kindly put together an interview for me (ages ago, sorry for just getting around to it). If I were you and hadn't already done so, I'd check out her blog ^_^

So anyway, here are the interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Interview begins here (:

1. I've only been reading your blog for a few days. Introduce yourself in five sentences or less.
I'm sixteen years old and I find myself wanting to please others even more than sometimes doing what I know is right, which leads to a lot of mistakes made on my part, but I am learning to (hopefully) be a better person. I believe in God but I am a little bit confused on more of the specifics, I don't want to buy into Christianity because of my parents, but I want my own, personal faith; and the whole beliefs thing does affect quite a large portion of my life. I am very open about my emotions and events in my life, and perhaps don't always know when to keep my mouth shut. I am a very contradictory person, and although I'll always apologise first, I do hate to admit I'm wrong. I also attach sentimental value to everything, meaning I find it very hard when it comes to getting rid of things; but I like the physicality it lends to memories. I'm never quite the same today as I was yesterday, but I'm sure there are some things about me that will never change.

2. You have had some problems that you openly blog about. What is the one thing you learned about yourself through this ordeal?
I have slowly been learning to stop basing my self value on others' opinions of me, and rely more on myself. I am listening less and less to that voice that tells me I am insignificant and merely a burden to others; and I have learned that hope is always there, although sometimes we can't see it. Life is worth living and I do not plan on giving that up anytime soon.
I have also learned that I am stronger than I thought; for those of you who haven't been reading my blog for very long, I used to self harm, which is a very technical term that doesn't, I feel, really encompass all the issues behind it. I had tried to stop a few times before, but it was only when I decided to stop because I deserved better and I knew that I was worth more, even when I didn't truly believe that; when I decided to stop for my own sake, that I could do it. And I truly knew I could do it. Although there have been times when I have almost given in, I have held out. I'm not saying that I have stopped for good, there may be a time when I do give in. But I know I have the strength to keep going, and everytime I fall, there will be a chance for me to get up and move on. I have, in the past, relied on others as my motivation to keep going, but I understand that that was a way of shirking responsibility; quite simply, I was being lazy.
I'm much happier with myself these days and I feel I can be a better friend because I think I'm a decent person.
I make a lot of mistakes and screw up a lot, but there is still hope, and that's what I will always cling to. (:
That was probably a bit over the top lol

3. Who is the one person/author that had the biggest influence on your writing?
I'm not entirely sure, since I was 6 I have absolutely loved reading and writing, up until the age of 12 I used to read near constantly, I'd read anything I could get my hands on. I'd go through over 50 books in less than a week, children and teenage fiction, but I started reading adult fiction at 13. I used to (and still do) adore Enid Blyton books, the adventures that happened at the lands atop the Faraway Tree and in the places the Wishing Chair would take Molly and Peter were some of my favourites, and her school stories are the reason I really wish I went to boarding school. As for my parents, they've always encouraged me to write, and my dad used to proof read my stories and suggest improvements, which was great (:
I can't really think of any one person who influenced my writing specifically, but along with Enid Blyton I devoured Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys novels on a regular basis,

4. If you could do anything you want after high school, what would it be?
I would love to work with To Write Love On Her Arms to be able to spread their message of hope and community in such an amazing way, they truly are life changing and have had a massive impact on my life and many others. But, I would really like to have a career where I can help people in whatever way is best. I am considering a University course in Nursing, or perhaps Occupational Therapy, although I need to look into that more.
I definitely want to go to Uni, but first I need to get through Year 12!
Other than education and career wise, I'm not really sure. Travelling would be nice but I would need the money first and I want someone really fun to do it with. Road trips are part of the plan but a major international trip, even just to New Zealand, would be fabulous, perhaps with my best friend from primary school (:
I do eventually want a family, but I'm not really sure when. I don't feel the need to stringently plan out my future, but I do know that I don't ever want to be alone; which means not moving out of my parents' home till I have friends who I can live with, and since my parents aren't keen for me to move out too early, that shan't be happening for ages, which I am fine with.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

I'm not sure, I have thought about this before, but truthfully, I haven't seen that much of the world, there are so many possibilties out there that I still haven't explored. Adelaide is wonderful for growing up in, but I don't want to live in one city for my entire life; there are so many places to go and they're all so different. I love Australia, it is my home, but I'm not ruling out living in another country for some time...
I try not to worry too much about the future (:

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Question;

Who makes me the happiest?

a) Justin

b) Jake, back in the day

c) Jimit

d) James


Answer: Justin or Jake.
I only really threw James in so you can notice the weird thing I seem to have for guys whose names start with J, although he's great, we just aren't that close.
Jimit is easily ruled out, it irritates me how he never talks about important stuff. Just everyday things, I don't really like relationships of any kind without that deeper aspect, especially when you've been friends for over a year. Even though when I liked him he made me heaps happy. But not as much as Jake.
Seeing Jake or talking to him always made me smile, I was devastated everytime he was sad or angry at me even. With Justin, things are much the same, I respect him and look up to him so much, any positive word from him sends me over the moon. I feel valuable because he cares about me, some teenager among 60 others who he knew for less than a working week and bared her soul to him, over myspace, because she trusted him completely. And never regretted it. He has helped me through some really hard times since.
Justin is someone you immediately trust, immediately feel at ease with; and within a short amount of time you find yourself wanting to spill everything to him. He is so genuine, so caring, such an example of God's work through people. But yeah. Jake was amazing too. In a different context. So idk.

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It's heaps good

I may not be posting much till the end of this week (yes, I know you're all devastated). It shall be a busy and rewarding week, I'm really excited at the thought of making new friends, seeing old ones again, learning, helping others, and all that jazz.
I finally get to donate blood! I'm really excited since last time I was given the opportunity I wasn't 16, which is the minimum age for donating blood here in Australia. Procedures like that fascinate me, I love getting blood tests and the like. For those of you who don't know, I have a bit of a weird obsession with blood (I'd post a link here to a previous post but I'm on my dad's phone), and also it can help save three people's lives so I'm even more enthused! I also have a motivation never to take drugs (injecting ones anyway), because if you ever have you can't donate blood. Not that I should need a reason but I'm something of a pushover, sucker for peer pressure, etc. Anyhow I definitely want to be able to donate blood, which I can do till I'm 70 hurrah (:
But blood donating is just a small part of what this week shall be about... It is a week where teenagers participate in events that service the community, but not necessarily community service in the traditional sense. There is a bit of painting over grafitti but visiting nursing home residents, clowning, free public barbecues, fixing people's gardens are some of the other events we've got planned.
It's basically organised by a bunch of churches around Adelaide, and I last participated in the eventt two years ago. There are several bases and ours has about 70 teens, plus leaders and organisers. Apart from the events, we will hear talks and participate in group discussions where will we consider the importance of community (which is also important to me and To Write Love On Her Arms) and God and how he can work in our lives, and those kinds of things. Some really important and thought provoking ideas are raised during the course of the week, and I am definitely looking forward to it.

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In two minds

again. Why is it never that simple? Because in a way, I don't need you. Yes. And yet, in another way, I do too.
It would be nice if I could numb myself to emotions, if I could forget how you may feel. If I didn't want to please everyone and make everyone happy. If I could be as selfish that easily. For a couple of moments at a time, it seems easy. But then I remember.
And I'm flooded with guilt. But I want it both ways.
For that matter, I wish there was no life after death. I wish there was no God. I wish I didn't have to sort through this confusion. But in the end, I would have nothing to fight for if this wasn't true. I want the truth.
But I'm a little too lazy sometimes.
It's not that I don't know what I want. I do, in this case. But I want two completely different things.
And it doesn't help that you make it easier for me to want to let you go every time you unknowingly make things worse. We're all different; thus misunderstandings. And although I try to seem strong, I'm far too easily hurt.

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I fear you the most, more than anything else

I fear you more than death, for you are that which brings fear to death, to the end. The End? That depends on what you choose. And on what is real. I know what I believe about it. And right now, that means it is the end for me. Although an end would be much more merciful.

But this is not about death. Death would be nothing if it didn't factor in you.

How do I explain the mindless terror that strikes as I imagine you? How is it that you  arrive at any time you will, coldly? How are you so inescapable? Is there no sanctuary from your dreadful grasp on my soul? How do you capture me even as I am surrounded by those I am loved by?

You follow me everywhere, closer than a shadow. Sometimes you cloak yourself, hidden for a time, but if I look closely, I can find you right where you were when I last noticed. You are manifest in my dreams. Is there nowhere I am to be rid of you?

Alone, alone, alone. It is a chant that echoes painfully through my heart, resounding in the empty halls of my soul. Its truth rings out undeniably. But how am I alone? How, alone, when I live with other people all around? In the midst of my family and closest friends, at times I still feel it; the loneliness. Like a disease I was born with. So far progressed, it is near impossible to be removed. No matter how many relationships I form with others, the feeling of "alone" still persists. If I search, I understand. Something is missing. Someone, perhaps?

I am unique. There is no one like me. How many times have we all been told that? It seems to be thrown at us endlessly at school, etc. I want to be special, I want to be me. With no one else the same. But how lonely, to be someone who is not understood by anyone else, because of my uniqueness, because of how different we are from each other. If we very completely unique we would all be very alone. And it is not just I who fears being alone. Do not most of us fear this too?

And yet, how terrible would it be to be just the same as everyone else? How boring? That is not a conceivable option either. Not for me.

Thankfully being unique does not entail being that different from each other. The way I see it, every different side of it, every different belief will be the same as at least one other person in the world, apart from perhaps minor details. But no one person will have all the same parts and ideas as another, we all have similarities to different people. I have "this" in common with so and so, and "that" in common with whatshisface. Both she and I think the same about "yada yada" and I share a mutual interest with, that girl, that one, you know...

I love this idea, that we are the same and yet completely different to each other. We think differently, act differently, experience different events, believe different things. But I think if we look closely enough, we could find something in common with us and every other person we meet. We all have emotions. We all have been hurt. We all, once at least, had dreams and ambitions, plans. We all have fears. We all have weaknesses. None of us are perfect. And I believe that in all of us, there is this emptiness, this feeling of "alone" that is crying out to be filled. We may not even realise it, it may lie hidden, but active. We may try to fill it with any number of things.

I believe all of us need relationships to thrive. I believe we all need love. Interaction is something we need. When we are hurt from relationships, we can become bitter and turn away. We can stop believing in love. We can run from love. But why do we do this? Because we have been mistreated by those who are supposed to have loved us, we have loved and not had a reciprocation of this love, we may have lost those who we love. In any case, when we flee from love, it is to avoid pain. But if we don't love, then that pain wouldn't be possible (I did say this recently). Whether we believe in love or not, it is there. Invisible, inaudible; you can't taste it or touch it, you can't smell it. It's indescribable in all it's many forms. And yet, it exists, regardless if you accept that or not.

"There is no greater gift than a place to belong. While it may seem that you're selling out to admit you need people, the irony is that you'll never really know yourself unless you're in a healthy community. We only truly come to know ourselbes in the context of others. The more isolated and disconnected we are, the more shattered and distorted our self-identity. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry #17 - Do You Know Who You Are?", I cannot be bothered with proper referencing kthnxbai)"

How could we know if we are selfish or generous unless around others? How do we know if we are self-centred, or kind to others? Who do we have to care about but ourselves? We are influenced by our families as we grow, we look at other people's values and beliefs about life to see if we find they agree with us, and either take them on board or dismiss them, deciding our own that are different. If we have no one to be different from, than we lose our uniqueness. We just are. Just one. We are the norm. We have nothing to compare and contrast against. We are alone. My soul cringes back at the thought of that.

"When we live outside of healthy community, we not only lose others, but we lose ourselves. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry #17 - Do You Know Who You Are?")"

When we treat each other with value, when we care for each other, when we love, we experience the presence of God. More powerful than any data or doctrine, love is the proof of God our souls long for...

"You cannot live without love, and you do not have to.

Yes, there is an insanity to love. You will go mad in pursuing it.

You will despise life itself if you do not find it.

Your soul craves love and will find satisfaction with nothing less.

You shouldn't be surprise that you look for love, you keep running into God...

Love can't be stopped.

Grief is proof that love prevails over death.

You cannot kill love.

I'm not talking about the pervasive counterfeits we often call love. But the kind that fables like The Princess Bride speak of -'true love'. The kind of love that lasts beyond life, that does not end in death, that fills you when you breathe deeply of it and wounds you when you lose it. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. God is love, and he is everywhere.

Love is the essence of the cosmos. Love is the ethos of God. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry 20 - Like A Kiss on the Face")

I don't want to be alone. I wasn't meant to be alone. None of us were...

So many questions.

Postscript - Apologies to those who dislike discussing love. ;p

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Hello world, this is me

For those of you who have recently started following my blog or would just like to know more about me, this is a little info on who I am and an indication of some of the matters I have and will continue to blog about. (:

One more thing before I begin, thank you very much for following and leaving comments, it's a great encouragement (:



I laugh a little too loud at my own jokes, I love a little too recklessly, and accidentally push away those I care about far too often...

I'm a little idealistic, I want to believe the best of everyone. At the same time, I'm that tiny bit cynical.

I want attention but hate it when I get it; I'm incredibly optimistic for a negative person, and I'm just as much of a contradiction as I'm sure you are.

To say I'm over-dramatic is something of an understatement; I overreact to each small incident as though it's World War III...

I love using quotes and song lyrics to explain how I feel and what I believe in.

I wish on stars and 11.11, although I don't believe in it. Just in case. Maybe you'll come back. I'm waiting. Hoping. With no idea what else I can do anymore.

I use faces a lot while typing to express the tone in which I'm saying something, sorry if it's irritating but I'm using age as my excuse. The main ones you'll see me use are :) ;) :( (: >=( >=| ;P :P :@[angry] :$ which are mainly derived from MSN. Then, there are these, which rather than being 90degrees off, are to be looking at full on - >.< which is a glare and >.> a sideways glare. I'm not assuming you're stupid or anything; I didn't understand what they were without an explanation.

Hey, at least I don't text type! Incorrect grammar is something I hate. Remember, I'm Australian, so it's not a spelling error when I write things like "realised" rather than "realized" or "centre" instead of "center"; we measure our temperature in degrees Celsius, weight in mg/g/kg, length in cm/m/km, etc. Sorry if that sounded at all pompous, it wasn't meant to be.

I'm really easily peer pressured, it's probably a good thing that on the important matters I have friends I want to please equally who have opposite views, and I tend to side with the safer ones, at least for now.

Call me old fashioned but I believe that marriage is something that should last forever, while divorce is understandable in some cases, a lot of the times, problems can be worked out if that's what both parties really want. I want to marry someone who I know without a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with, who will feel the same about me.

People are the most important thing, above popularity, wealth, success, above anything else; I strongly believe that every person is equal. This does not mean that everyone is equal in skill levels etc., but rather that as a human being, they have feelings, hopes, beliefs, and different things they can contribute to our global society, and as humans they are worth no more or no less than any other, whether royalty or homeless person.

Money and possessions don't guarantee happiness.

The movement "To Write Love On Her Arms" is something incredibly meaningful to me, I can't quite put into words just how much it means; for something that has helped me gain the courage to live life, to take a stand for myself against the very worst of me, to believe in hope and to keep going, how can I explain that? Renee Yohe, who is the reason the movement began, is someone I look up to greatly. Read her story here

I believe in the need for community, that we all need each other. We are made to interact and live with one another. We are meant to support and depend on each other as necessary. It is the best way to live, sharing each others' burdens.

I believe that "Global is not a nice idea. Global is reality", that we as humans need to put aside what society tells us is important - putting self before everyone else. For my blog on that, click here.

Jamie Tworkowski's [of To Write Love On Her Arms] blog on the subject is here.

I believe in God but I am not a Christian, although I believe in everything it is about and was brought up in Christian home.

I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance. Perhaps even a third or fourth, perhaps even more. Whether a person is capable of forgiving someone harmful actions that many times is another matter. But people do change. And if we don't give everyone another chance when they request one, how will we ever know if they are one of those who deserve this chance, who will change? Maybe I'm a little too forgiving...

I used to self harm and while I have stopped now [since the 2nd of July, 2008], and I strongly believe for good, it is something which has overreaching consequences and I still struggle with the urges to. I had attempted to stop in previous years, but relapsed a couple of times, but I think I am strong enough and have the right motives for wanting to stop this time. This used to take the form of cutting, burning, hitting my head, overdosing on painkillers, etc. It is something I feel is not talked about enough and many people write it off as something done by someone seeking attention, or "emos" or those who are suicidal. This is not the case and I think it is important to raise awareness about the realities of this issue.

I am 16 years old and in 2009 will be starting my final year of high school. With my interests being literature and society and environment, I will be doing English Studies, Classical Studies, German and Biology/preferably Modern History. After high school I want to go to Uni. I think I would like to be a nurse so this is what I am planning to study, however I love writing and dream of being a published author someday as well. My reasons for wanting to be a nurse are mainly that I passionately want to do something to help people, although I am fairly open and flexible as to where this may take me.

Writing is something I have done for years now, and it is something I have always seemed to be fairly good at, as others have told me. I am not so confident in my own skills, but would love to accept this. I'm told my writing seems far more mature than that of a sixteen year old, I'm happy with that. I find writing to be helpful when I am upset, confused, etc. I have rarely felt as helpless as when I was not able to express my emotions. I love writing narratives as well, as you can see in my other blog, however I am working on doing so with more regularity.

My family consists of my parents and my one younger sister, younger by 364 days ^_^
I don't get along with my mum at all, my dad somewhat, but my sister and I are fairly close these days (: I am very protective of her. And regardless, I love my family. My parents are Indian but both I and my sister were born here in Adelaide, South Australia and I consider myself Australian. In 1998 and 1999, my family lived in Auckland, New Zealand, and although it was great, we ultimately moved back here to Adelaide, which I have to say is even better, although many people hate it since it's so quiet and there isn't a lot to do...

This year has been a turbulent one for me. I became even closer with my two girl best friends and became best friends with the guy who lives across the road from me and also goes to the same school in the same year level. Three months ago within one and a half weeks, lost them all permanently, or so I thought. Miserable because of this, I resorted to overdosing on painkillers at school in an attempt to stop thinking just for a while. The last time I had done this was the 12th of November, 2007. My other friends who realised what I had done told our homegroup teacher; an ambulance was called, and I had to spend that night and the next day in hospital attached to a drip.

Lots of things have changed since then, I now see a counsellor regularly =/ but she's actually great. I think you'll find I am actually a very positive and hopeful person. I am still hoping to fix things with my friends, and just two days ago, my guy friend who I had completely given up on having him as a friend again began to talk to me. Things are still awkward but hope is pulsing through my veins so strongly that I am getting swept away. My friends mean a lot to me, but I overreact a lot.

During the self harm, I had been told that it was something I would later regret; however I cannot bring myself to regret any of it. There is no point in ruing the past, when we cannot change it. We can change the future and that is what we should focus on. Any bad experience can be made good of if we choose to, and often these things that we live through can be used to help other people. That is what I hope to do, to be able to help others who are struggling with the same things by understanding what they have gone through and using my knowledge to benefit them in some way, as Renee of TWLOHA has done for me and so many others. In her words, "that is what the pain was for, and that is worth it all, and more."

I will add to this later and any help from any of my friends who read this would be great ;P But that's all for now. (:

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Hope is not a myth

Whatever you find it in...

Please don't just stop reading.

"I would like to share with you some of my story. I grew up in a dysfunctional environment. Actually, calling it dysfunctional is putting it mildly. My parents divorced when I was five years old and soon after, my mother remarried. That man, who became my step father, also became my perpetrator. At the age of eleven he decided I was old enough to receive an education in sex and became my abuser. I was one of the lucky ones, the ones who were believed when they finally told. When I did tell my mother, she immediately left my step father. I spent the next few years drowning myself in drugs and boys as my mother walked around having a nervous breakdown. I tried very hard to bury the abuse but it just seemed to ooze out in other ways. I was hurt, abandoned and broken.

At the age of 16 I began to date someone seriously. I was crazy about him. I had always known that his parents were "religious" but didn't really know much else about them. I had only met them once or twice in the two years we dated. I didn't know this then, but he had grown up in a Christian home. Right before we broke up he decided to share something with me. He told me that if I truly believed that Christ died on the cross for me that I could go to heaven. That's it, that's all he told me. But it gave me hope, a hope I had never been given before. I remember that night, talking to God and saying "I do believe, I do believe that Jesus died on the cross for me, please help me"

Something changed in me that night. It really was like I was blind and I could finally see. I remember walking outside the next morning and the sky was so blue and beautiful. It looked totally different, like I was really seeing it for the first time. I began to hunger to know who God was. I found a bible in my sister’s bookshelf and began to read it. I was drinking in every word and the words came alive on the page. It was my only connection to God. I knew no one that was a Christian.

Several months later my roommate came home from work talking about her boss at the gas station she worked at. He was telling her all about Christ and she began to share with me. I knew I had to talk to him. He was the most dynamic man and he LOVED God. He led me to a church and eventually I even became a part of his family. His mother gave me a place to live, his sister became my best friend and he became one of the ministers at my church. I had a loving Christian family for the first time in my life.

I would like to say that this was the end and I happily served God the rest of my life but I didn't. After about two years, God began to ask things of me that I wasn't willing to do. Mainly he wanted me to trust him and obey. There are many reasons that I won't go into but I couldn't allow myself to trust completely and I fell away. I stayed away and lived in sin for eighteen years. It wasn't until life became so unbearable that I finally let Him take over and have my whole life.

In spite of my rebellion, he greeted me with open arms. He began to heal my past and bless my future. I don't deserve the love and acceptance he has given me but I am grateful for it anyway. It has been in my surrender to Him and my trust in Him that I have found what I always needed. I found someone to really love me unconditionally, flaws and all. I found true acceptance. I didn’t have to change to come to Him... I found a hope for the future, one that I could count on to be filled with joy.

In the last six years, He has restored me. I am no longer haunted by the things of my past. He has changed me and made me worthy to be called a child of God. I am becoming who He intended me to be. If you allow Him, He will also do that for you."

go to original blog post here

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I have no words

Watch this.

If you don't get it, I will explain what it's trying to show. Okay, like, the first black guy is romance, then in yellow shirt is the promise of money and wealth; move onto the girl, obviously alcohol etc, the girl in pink is signifying wanting to look pretty + thin and everything that goes with it, the last guy is depression, and in all of these things she is trying to find satisfaction...

I have cried so much, watching it 5 times in a row.

Watch it one go. Let it play through, then replay. So it won't keep stopping when you watch it the first time.

At first you're like um what... But it's actually really powerful.
Just.

......

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God. Love.

"God is our refuge and strength,
      always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
      and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
      Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"

God I need to learn to lean on you. But for now I don't find myself able to accept anything of you. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's too late.

It's never too late >.<

 

other versions...

 

"God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
   We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
      courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
   Before the rush and roar of oceans,
      the tremors that shift mountains.

   Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us."

 

"God is our mighty fortress,

   always ready to help

   in times of trouble.

And so, we won't be afraid!

   Let the earth tremble

   and the mountains tumble

   into the deepest sea.

Let the ocean roar and foam,

   and its raging waves

   shake the mountains. "

 

Or in German if you fancy that -

"(Ein Lied der Kinder Korah, von der Jugend, vorzusingen.) Gott ist unsre Zuversicht und Stärke. Eine Hilfe in den großen Nöten, die uns getroffen haben.

2Darum fürchten wir uns nicht, wenngleich die Welt unterginge und die Berge mitten ins Meer sänken,

3wenngleich das Meer wütete und wallte und von seinem Ungestüm die Berge einfielen. "

 

hah sorry. but i find comparisons between different translations interesting and insightful...

 

And.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

- 1 Corinthians 13

I absolutely love this passage. It describes what I believe is the most pure, true form of love. I aim to love with this for my guidelines. Whatever your beliefs in the existence / relevance of God + Christianity, I think you can still learn from this and apply it. Even if you are against it, don't discredit or write off anything immediately because it has to do with a God you don't believe in or whatever. One can sometimes learn much from things even that in essence, they disagree with. This may or may not be addressed just in part to Daniel Brown lol.

A bit later on in the chapter - "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

I have mentioned how important I feel love is. Its power is incredible. Unbeatable. This simply complements my thoughts.

 

And and and.

I would like to say. Every person is important. Every person's thoughts and opinions matter. Every person has the ability to change the world. It is easy to feel insignificant, just one among the millions. But every person has great power within themselves. Every person has the power to influence another, whether they choose to use it, and if they choose to use it for good or bad are another matter. But I want to leave this with you, [oh how I love quotes] "Believe your voice can mean something".

k thnx bai >;D

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All I need

is you to promise me you'll never leave.

Just convince me.

I need your unconditional love.

I can be anything as long as I'm not without you.

I can be anything as long as I'm not alone

As long as I'm not unloved.

God, yeah. But I have not gone to God yet and I don't know if I can find my way to him anymore, I never have been able to before. And I tried, I really did. But there are things stopping me, always have been. And these obstacles have been accumulating. God is the answer. I know that with such conviction. Regardless of whatever any of you say.

I need you because I need someone. I have my standards for friends and you're high above them, I'll bring you down.

I will test you because I need to be sure. Test you till I break that and then wonder why I feel so empty and hollow when I thought I would feel satisfied, that I was right after all. But find out it's not what I really want.

And I don't even really believe that, what I just said. I don't do that. Okay, I do sometimes. But not...

I need you. Everyone of you. I need you who I don't even know. I need someone to listen, someone to care.

I'm just a selfish person.

But I'm so much more.

I just need you to make me that.

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Striving for Perfection: Response to Kate's

Kate just posted a blog on how everyone attempts to attain perfection. This struck me as slightly odd. So I'm going to throw in my own two cents on the matter...

Personally, I have never felt the need to be perfect. But perhaps it is hiding under another title? Let us examine this ;D

I can never recall wanting to be perfect, as such. I never thought that I could. It is unattainable, in this life. We are but people, marred by the human condition, and not as a Christian but as someone who has seen different attempts to better this, I would say God has the answer.

Feel free to disagree with me on that, I know some of you don't believe in His existence or think that if He is real, well let's just say you don't think too favourably of him. I have seen many people who think like this, and I think it is sad. That people blame God for the bad things in life. What about Satan? People laughingly say things about the devil, but never think to blame him for the bad things, God bears the brunt of discontentment at the negative things in the world. Of course, this probably has a lot to do with the numerous people who do bad things in the name of God. Consider that they may claim to be doing God's will, but are they really, honestly even in contact with God, or perhaps the devil in his most favoured form of subtle deception, not outright wickedness?

But since I myself am not a Christian, I'm not really the right person to defend this view. I do agree with it. I do believe in God. As yet, I remain undecided on the whole thing. I don't know what stops me. But let's save spirituality for another time / blog. It's a fascinating subject to say the least.

Let me just add I am listening to Perfect - Simple Plan to fit this theme hah.

AND OMG. I just realised. In the live version, when Pierre says "let's give it up for" all these different bands, he mentions Billy Talent. I only just heard them for the first time a couple of months ago. And I knew they were from Canada. But hah how odd. To me..

Moving on.

As "people, marred by the human condition..." we should never expect to reach perfection. Of course, we all have unrealistic expectations, of both ourselves and others. But, and again, this is personally, I relish being, not perfect. I like having flaws. Since, after all, everyone else too. Think about it this way, if we were perfect, if life was perfect, we would have nothing left to do. Nothing to work on, nothing to work to, everything would get relatively boring, to my manner of thinking. Strange how inversely optimistic and cheery I can be in certain ways.

I don't expect to ever reach a state where there is nothing for me to improve on. That said, I do know my flaws. I do know that there are things I should work on to improve myself. But at the same time, I am learning to be content with who I am in the moment.

I don't know how I can keep talking about this without bringing God into it.

It is because no one is perfect, no one can make it on their own, that God steps in. Those who blame God and ask why he didn't make us flawless, why he didn't make us to automatically choose the right thing, think about it. God gave us the freedom to make the choice. He gave us free will. If we were just, essentially, mindless puppets, that would not be a very great life. So in His love, he gave us that choice, knowing the heartbreaking pain he would experience as we made the wrong decisions. Because, like anyone who loves someone else, when something happens to that person that causes them pain, anyone who loves them will suffer too, they will experience pain.

I know that some of you don't believe in God, but I just can't see how things work when you take God out of them. So much just doesn't make sense without there being something out there, something unexplainable by the laws that supposedly govern the universe. So, you could take God out of the picture, but to not believe in ANYTHING, something, that defies explanation, I cannot see it. God, to me, makes the most sense, and perhaps that is my upbringing, but I have been given a lot of information on this, my dad talks to people every single Friday night who believe all different things, or don't believe in anything, and discusses the possibility of Christianity being real. To do this he must have some convincing proofs, and people do find themselves changing their beliefs during these conversations. My dad is not just a persuasive speaker, he has arguments that are backed up with proof. And so, I would say that I have reason to what I believe, although I'm not so good with remembering it hah.

But everyone believes different things, and I'm okay with that. Note again that I do not believe in relativism.

Gah back to topic.

I think that society is a lot to blame for people's desire for perfection. Not to just pass off the blame onto society as a whole, but the values that we have come to admire through the celebrities and people we place on pedestals. And if we see these people as being better or more important than us, whether subconsciously or not, if even they are going to, in Kate's words, "prance around with anorexia, striving to be a size zero", as one example, in body shape and weight areas, then what are we going to think? That if even they are trying to be more of something than they are, when realistically they are fine in that area; in holding themselves to unrealistic expectations, we doom ourselves to taking on these same desires. We sometimes create the pressure on these people, it is really a never ending circle and who is to say where it begun? Whether or not it is too late to fix these kinds of issues, I cannot say. Sadly, I am inclined to believe it is not possible, too many in the industry, media and film producers and all the people behind the scenes are too selfish and are all too busy reaching for these impossible goals that they place them above others' welfare. So they demand thinner celebrities and the like.

I could go on about that side of it for hours.

I agree with Kate that we can "strive to be "perfect" because it gives a meaning to life." Everyone needs to have a meaning to life, a purpose that gives them something to live for. Because if they wake up one day and realise that they, really, have nothing to live for, it would be terrifying.

Whether our purposes and reasons to live are delusions, unrealistic goals, or whatever, we rely on them. We need them. I just think we need to look closer, look for a more solid purpose. There is so much more to live for than to try to be perfect. And even in this media controlled, desperately searching world, there is hope. So many people are reaching for perfection. Searching. Perhaps they are looking for the wrong thing. What is it that we really need?

No one should feel the need to be perfect. I'm not asking you, if you do, to just throw that away. I'm not that unrealistic. But I believe there is more to live for than aiming for perfection. I would not aim for perfection. I would aim to love. Because love can do a lot. Love can change the world. Make no mistake, love is the most powerful thing out there. It can overcome almost anything. It can help with all the pain in life, it can help carry you through. I don't mean just love in a partner type situation. I mean every kind of love ever thought of, every single kind of love that perhaps hasn't even been able to be expressed through words. Not love in words, but love in action. Love human to human, reaching out to one another. There is not enough love in the world these days. But I think if we love as much, as fiercely as we can, more than we think able, that is the best we can do. Love is painful, it is sharing other's sorrows, taking on pain you don't have to feel.

But it is my belief it is the right way.

 

Sorry if I am coming across as heavy handed. I get carried away..

"Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect"

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Living in the here and now

^^^ That is what I have decided to try to do, to an extent. Focus on things close at hand rather than the past, I'm terrible for looking back and wishing to change things; and looking forward too far and thus freaking out, but ah well.

Random point, last night when I said that I'm empathetic. At the same time, I tend to forget that not everyone thinks the same as me. Most people will interpret the same message and looks differently to how I will, will take wrong meanings when I or others meant something completely different, they will have perspectives on the same subject that seem as obviously right to them as my own, different view will seem to me. I keep using "different" in this paragraph, I apologise, I'd come up with a different word but, I can't be bothered.

I am far too idealistic, I know that. I like to think the best, I like to think that people overall are good and generous and loving, I like to think that we can solve major world problems. Don't disillusion me too much... I'd like to hang onto a little innocence, deluded or not. Another word for this, of course, is naivety, but maybe being slightly naive is not always a bad thing. I like to dream, I make huge plans for things not likely to happen but I half believe we can do it. I just don't really have the motivation to follow through with it I guess.

I have decided on a strategy of Toivoa well-being (:

Today I didn't have time for breakfast but, since mum stopped buying it, bought some Choc Up & Go from the canteen this morning mmmm um num num (: Hah. And took my tablets, made sure to moisturise my scars with that stuff to help get rid of them, the ones on my leg, to be honest I love my scars, I love those scars, I only want them gone so I can wear shorts to school. I'm heaps devastated I lost my pictures of when I made them, and they were glistening with blood. >.>

Forgive me, if you are reading this, take note that I have an unhealthy fascination with blood that goes way beyond any kind of normalcy, and also scars, I have in fact had a scar that took me a couple of weeks to make, that I just wanted to have a scar in the shape of a heart, I didn't do it for any particular self harm reasons, I would not even define it as self harm. I wanted that scar. It didn't turn out so well. But yeah it was not about the pain, it was a little about the pleasure of bleeding (and trust me, that does not mean I like having my period, ewwww), I am slightly morbid at times, although a fascination with blood does not necessarily mean fascination with death, in fact death repels me rather a lot... So morbid is not, perhaps, the right word. However, I do think about dying a lot. Not even in a vaguely suicidal way. Okay okay, there are occasions. But those thoughts are beyond my control, leaving me panicked and struggling to breathe...

But yes, I accidentally deleted those of my phone before uploading them, apart from a couple, just of my leg covered in blood, and the one of my hand with blood on it, mmm. Sorry, it does give me a peverse sense of happiness. I, yeah, I am an odd one. Forgive me. I feel guilty for that, it is something that is not... right, I feel. It is not something I would readily admit to either. Mmm Jake and I have discussed this, I have talked over so much stuff with him, strange considering how closed off he is. And I know he always felt bad about not being able to say anything to make me feel better when I was upset, but his support, knowing that he cared, that was enough! I wish I had managed to make him believe this, I wish I had been able to do more for him. Since some of you know him, I don't have the freedom to talk about him all that much, some things are not really for me to share. Mm.

But anyhow, I have decided that I need to take a stand for myself, take the initiative to being happy, doing what I know is best. Letting, as Amanda says, the strong Toivoa take over. I wouldn't define her as the strong Toivoa, the right but weaker Toivoa. God definitely brought me into contact with Amanda for a reason. She is so similar to me, has had a lot of the same thoughts, experiences as me; understands the way I think. And I am so lucky I trusted her.

Wow, I go off on as massive tangents as Mr Clark haha. I should attempt to structure this; but eh. Later, other blogs. I'm nervous nervous nervous, first conversation with Bec and Sacha in ages, through emails, it's scary and it's filling me with the small flame of hope, hope I do not yet want to feel. I'm more scared of getting hurt than I realised, I'm not sure if things can be worked out, and I don't want to hope in vain. But still I cannot smother the burning. I'm hoping and hoping so painfully, I don't know if I can take it. I'm on the edge of my seat, hoping, hoping, if it hadn't been so long and I hadn't grown so distant from these things, I would be praying, so so edgy.

My blogs are really too long, but I have so much to ramble on about. I have got to try what Amanda said, to realise thoughts and emotions can come into my mind which aren't mine, from tv, etc, and I have to learn to recognise these bad ones that come in and shouldn't be there, and let them go. I will keep my blogs shorter from now on, I promise.

Now the email.

Thus far. So scared. No reason to hope, and yet I am. Hope is not a myth. Thank God for that. But in this situation, I am not ready to hope.

But, for the past three hours, I have had the "post comment" page open on Shazz's blog, and I don't know what to say. Words can't make it better. I have contributed to her pain. I know that. I want to make it better. I don't want her to feel alone. But I don't know how to communicate everything I feel. That has been one of my biggest problems lately.

I have been combing through old TWLOHA blogs, trying to find the "Hope is not a myth" one to hyperlink where I wrote it before, I just read some of the ones where Jamie and Trisha etc went to India. This stood out. "People were made to be free." In this context, it is talking about literal slavery, but people should be free, from feeling alone, from the mental trap we set ourselves. Free from that broken part of us, that failing of the human condition. We deserve to be free of self doubt, and self hatred, etc. I can't express what I mean adequately.

I love how Jamie, and everyone in TWLOHA, acknowledges the very real pain and tragedy all across the world in all its different forms, and yet they do not simply accept it as a fact, like many people. They present the fact that hope is real, they bring hope to the hopeless; they work to change that. I love how it shows so clearly, that one person can change the world. One voice can make a difference.

Hope is still so real in this dark and corrupted world. That fills me with something I can't explain, having that assurance. I guess, it's hope, in something strangely ironic. The idea of hope fills me with hope. But apt, I suppose.

Mmm, I need to do homework. And comment on Shazz's blog.

One small thing.

"Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, I want to see you."

p.s. last night i let myself fall asleep by 12, i had 3 dreams, two with jake and other random people, in the library hah. and one with sacha and bec. not good. kept waking up. i'm gonna keep myself up again later tonight. sigh.

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I'm all out words, but I'll spill some to you regardless.

"Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone..."

Oh god I love that chorus.

I'm terrified.

Out of my fucking mind.

The thought of speaking to Sacha and Bec.

Why is there such a strong side to me that I have no control over? That terrifies me. eg. stops me talking to people for no reason, when i don't want to cut off communication with them!

I want to speak to them but I don't know what to say, I don't know what I'm going to say. Terrified terrified terrified.

Talking to Amanda was the best thing that happened to me all day. It was so good.

"Your dad wants you to have the very best, and he's given you every opportunity he could, and protected you from everything, and the reason he's disappointed, not because he's disappointed in Toivoa, because he's disappointed in himself, disappointed that he forget to protect you from one thing, he protected you from everything that could hurt you, except from yourself."

it was something like that. part of what she said. oh i love her so much. haha she doesn't like social workers very much either. she said so much helpful stuff. eh counsellor lady is pretty chill too. why do i keep saying things are chill? /kills self

lol.

I just had the strangest thought. it's not that odd, but it just came to me with odd clarity. "Jake is only a couple of metres away." Okay, more than a couple. But maybe 100 metres. I'm in the lounge room at the front of our house. And he is, unless he's on their laptop, in the room their computer is in at the front of his house. [he's on msn] hahhhh oh my god, i wish he was that close in other ways, the word to describe the way i mean happens to escape me..

Forgive me, my thoughts may jump around a lot tonight.

Damn Sam Lane was talking to me tonight, I have actually come to love that boy, he is so caring. Okay the fact that he is going out with Josh maaaajorly creeps me out still, but I guess I've come to that stage of being against something in theory but fine with it in practice. My parents' influence + my upbringing wearing down after being bombarded by this society we live in. Mmm. But okay, Sach and Bec, he told them about my overdosing and going to hospital. Not exactly thrilled about that. ^_^

Agh. I really didn't want them to know. But okay. Apparently they were just like "she's done stuff like that before". I would like to say, okay. But that really really hurts. I didn't want them to know, in case they would be upset by it. And I told myself not to think that, remember they said they didn't care. But I still deep down thought that they would. And now here I am trying to pretend to myself it's what I expected. But ow ow ow ow ow.

Hah. I want to sleep. I want to do work. I think, I'm picking up the "i need to be perfect" attitude, which is never healthy, but coupled with how i don't ever put in even any effort, that downright fucking sucks. Whyyy am I so unmotivated.

There are a thousand thoughts jumbled in my mind. Things counsellor has told me, things Amanda has said, things Sam Lane has said, neverending memories of Jake, and fearful, tentative hope for Sacha and Bec, worrying about what did happen, resentful of misunderstandings, not to mention Kylie hah, curious about where Ben heard what he heard,

seeing Zoe today and how that just wasn't as great as I thought it would be. Time alters how you remember people, you improve the ones you like, in your memory. Zoe is great but truly relate to everything I or Shazz says, sorry but no. It wasn't what I wanted, nor what I expected. It was nice, but frustrating. Empty. It shouldn't have been.

I've grown really apart from Shazz. We were so close, last year and first term this year during Youth Opps. I don't know what happened, a natural part of life, I guess. But, dude. I guess since we hadn't spent heaps of time together I hadn't noticed so pointedly as I have lately, these past couple of weeks. We've been together so much, and I don't know, it's not the same. We used to think the same, feel the same. It's different now. It's not that I don't trust her, but since I've realised that some of the more emotionally charged things I say to her is going to be fed through to teachers, well I dunno about now, but it was, I'm even more determined to remain on guard. Over the holidays I have lost a lot of trust in people. I am struggling to keep that, I do not want to turn out like my mum. Especially having a massive lecture to her about it, about how you need to rely on other people, how people need community, we were built to interact with one another, trust people, open up to people, not let bad experiences, betrayals, leave you bitter; but still keep that faith, that ability to trust. And definitely not, to not trust anyone, to try and keep things under wraps.

If I overdose on painkillers, I will tell who I want. Do not try to hide it, don't try to stop me from telling people, who I want to I shall, and accept that. You can't just hide these things away. Stop pretending mum! Not that you would pretend within the immediate family, only present that perfect facade to the outside world, at all costs. And honestly, what is the point? Oh I don't need to tell other people, I've got your dad, I've got God, to talk to; well that's all well and good, but God made us to have other people to rely on also! God works through a number of ways, he sends his comfort and advice to other people. Through church, can you not make friends that you can trust? How can you be oh so bitter? To trust people, is, yes, to risk pain, but without risks, what is life? And lol "no pain no gain". You risk that chance of being hurt terribly, but you also stand to gain an enormous amount of help and just wonderful relationships with other people.

I'm a very people orientated person, a community orientated person. I believe that people need each other. We do. Shazz, you may disagree, but I still say, you can only live life to the fullest, if living in this world and not wholly and utterly isolated; you will come across problems, and difficulties, and you need people to help you through that. Knowing you can rely on someone is a wonderful thing. Reassuring.

Mmm my mum is missing out. Sadface.

I would say I'm a fairly good judge of character, I do trust people within a short amount of time, but rarely thus far have I been wrong. Unless we want to start on boys, but that was mainly David, and there is good to David. If you can get past all that outer stuff, and if you can see the genuine, caring, loving Dave, you would fall in love with him. It's not something very many people get to see, or if they do, not for long. It's his fear of getting hurt that makes him distance himself from people he becomes close to, within a short amount of time. I miss that, that Dave I love. The other, dickhead one, he has his moments, but nothing so endearing. The gentleman one. Oh. It breaks my heart that not all that many people get to see that side. I still wonder, is that side actually just a lie he made up? I can't even tell anymore, but I want to believe the best in everyone and I choose to believe that part of him is real.

Shazz, I listen, and understand, but I tend to have more positive views I guess. I always have, but then I'm still the one who ended up in hospital for overdosing, not being allowed to go to school, losing my best friends, hurting myself way more, not working at school, with a not so great relationship with my parents, forcibly depriving myself of sleep;

I mean, for all my positive tipped thoughts, it's not really having that much of a positive effect on life. I also think the best of people. I refuse to accept that Ingham is a jerk, or Shazz, that you are a fuck up, simply because neither is true. I am incredibly empathetic and I cannot be angry at Ingham. If I distance myself I can, but I choose not to. Ms George, I did, and thus am still angry about. I understand why you're angry at Ingham but I understand the reasons for the way he has reacted.

Another thing, yeah I have noticed I am empathetic, yes, and I pick up other people's emotions and they influence mine easily, but I know that if I want, I can just completely switch it off, go into stony, cold Toivoa. That worries me, I've done it a little, but I don't want to have the capability of being that icy person. Because I know it isn't good. I never wanting to lose feelings. At least if I'm hurting, I know that I'm alive.

Not that that last line has relevance in context, it's just that I don't want to stop feeling. Being numb is a fear of mine. Like losing the people I love. Ohhh you did real well there Toivoa.

Mmmm rambling, rambling, this is a really long blog. it's completely incoherent, and shazz, I am sorry if any of this is offensive. It's not meant to be. it's merely observations. I admire you for your perseverance, your strength, your fighting for so long, I am so proud of how hard you are working. Don't give up darling, you're doing better than you know.

I think I have a slight girl crush on Lynley. Like, not like I actual like her, but there is definite "If I was a guy" thinking hah. :| Dear god.

In other news, my Friday night absolutely kicked ass. It was so good man. I loved it (:

Mmmmmlalalammmlalala. I'm hell tired. It's only 11:33.

i want random people to read my blog and subscribe lol. that would be awesome.

xx

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