I can't help it, I know I have him. Jimit, I mean. And I want him. He's probably the only decent guy I've been with (I'll explain the Chris thing another time), so a) thanks to my, friend, Becca... who encouraged me to go for it in the first place, even though that was largely because she wanted to get the exbestfriend jealous so we would get together, and b) I'm trying to be really careful.
Since a particular incident, with guys I like, I am kinda... more sexual. Not in a huge way but just a tiny little bit. And the thing is, after this whole mess, I don't want to go that way again for a long time yet. Hooking up is about as far as I want to go, and not even random hook ups.
It scared the shit out of me, kinda, and I find myself wanting even more to be with a guy who I feel safe with. After all, I've known Jimit for years now. He's a great friend and he's amazing. I've liked him before and I don't know if I'm sticking to the reassuring comfort of our relationship or if its our renewed contact when we had lost touch a little for a few months previously, which is really the only reason why we were no longer together, and then of course we moved on.
But like I think I've mentioned, I keep realising that there is far more depth to him than I had initially thought. He's the first guy in a long time who is smarter than me, on a completely intellectual level. Italics Boy and Chris... Ehh. Especially Chris. I like it when I can have a decent conversation with someone.
That's not the problem. I can't quite remember, but I think I may even like him more this time, and I liked him a lot last time, when he was almost the only stable thing in my life. Again, even that is not the problem.
Especially while intoxicated (hey, here's a solution - don't freaking drink!), I go a little bit further than I mean to. I don't know how to explain it. It's more that I imply going further, or something. But I really don't want to! And then I'm scared that if this other person, whoever they may be, at any future time, gets that idea, I will feel bad for implicating that and will go along with it because I don't know how too extricate myself.
I've already decided not to drink with anyone but good friends, and Jimit is a good friend, but it is myself that I can't trust, if I'm honest with myself. Although he isn't like that, what if I then insist on something, god knows what exactly..? Because I can see myself doing that, for the reason that I want to make him happy and "guys want sex" and that whole idea, no matter that I'd rather die.
And then my definite following resentment would result in getting pissed off at him, and that would ruin our friendship. Even though I want more.
I can't get enough of him, of talking to him by phone call, by text, by IM, by Failbook; when I'm around him I want some physical contact all the time, whether it's hugging him, holding hands, or just, any little thing. I like just watching him talk to other people, even though I realise that's creepy. And I want to kiss him, and even when I do it's not enough, and I want more. I want to kiss him until I can't breathe, and apart from the night I first hooked up with Chris (alcohol was involved here too... See a trend?), the last time I wanted that or actually got that was with Jimit, and before that with the exbestfriend. Which was different altogether but let's not go there because that was in a memory collection all on its own and how do I explain that? The roughness of his stupid half grown beard against my palm and the feel of his jawbone beneath that, other hand entwined in his also kinda stupid long hair to keep our heads as close together as possible, with him doing the same, except for, you know, my lack of facial hair... And my hair was a perfectly decent length! I'll stop now because I know, it's sickening, and no one on god's green earth ever wants to know, but in remembering moments like that, how can I argue that I didn't like him as more than a friend?
It sounds so ridiculous I've been trying to avoid the word, but, it's passion. And I never thought I'd like Jimit so much.
This post is so awkward so it's going to end now. ;p
Sunday, May 17, 2009
post title coming soon.
/keyyboard mash.
The sickly sweet taste of cheep alcohol drunk for social ease is lingering and I want it gone. Every single time I have ever been tipsy - drunk, something bad has happened. Why do I persist in this?
The first time I was drunk I cut myself. And it was crazy, those gashes and that spurting of blood, and my reaction was one of both exhiliration and fear. Then there was the time I upset my best friends. I cried for a week over that till I finally got off my ass and tried to talk to them. Did I learn from that? Hell no. Then there was how I lost my virginity. And all the stupid shit those other times. I saw him the other day... I went to smile at him, but then I saw the awkward look he gave me, and remembered and ended up with a wry smile of acknowledgement. Ridiculous. I'd still have wanted to be friends.
This time I pissed off Jimit. Just a little, and he's so forgiving. I keep realising that there is far more depth to him than I initially thought, and I love that. But ohmygod, I can barely keep myself away from /off him, even when I'm sober and trying. It wasn't that which made him angry, there was more to it. But ugh. He was already let down by one of his best friends not coming to his 18th, and then I, one of his good friends, went and got drunk at a no alcohol party due to his parents' strictness. I don't understand how I have such good and forgiving and caring and understanding friends, when time and time again I have shown I don't deserve that and don't do enough to change anything.
I am talking to him now in our customary nightly manner...
How can I ever tell him that I like him again? A lot?
You know the stupidest thing I ever did? It was this text message I sent once, to my best friends, telling them how many scars I had from self harming. To this day, I wonder why the fuck I did that. Why??? There are so many things I did wrong. Why can't we have the benfit of hindsight at the very time??? Why do I follow through with my stupid ideas?
I'm so tired.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Regret, or something like it.
Referring back to this incident, even at the time, in my inebriated state, I knew I was going to regret it. As I have already said. But there is more to it.
I've always wanted to make other people happy. I've always wanted everyone to like me. Even if I didn't like them. I hatehatehate being disliked or looked down on by anyone, and this is often conflicting for me. I'll still often do things I don't want to do and aren't necessarily good for me either, simply because it's what the other person wants. But if you make me feel needed, loved, pretty, wanted, or anything positive, you're almost definitely going to get whatever it is you want. Conversely, I feel guilty very easily so you can play that card too. I know, I should stand up for myself, but I have this slight neediness when it comes to other people... Working on it, kinda.
That night, I remember MF saying that he had hoped this would happen. My mental reaction was to raise my eyebrows, but god only knows what expression was plastered across my face. I remember him saying that he found me really hot and he had wanted to get with me but hadn't expected that he could... I remember thinking that he was just saying this because he really just wanted to get laid but at that moment I would just pretend he meant it and accept it even though I didn't believe it. I remember thinking that I was pathetic to be so desperately needy for compliments and to feel desirable that I would compromise my values and my self-worth just so I could pretend I was wanted for a while.
I remember how gentle he acted and how he looked worried and kept saying he didn't want to hurt me, and yet it was really too late anyway, because it hurt so much, but at the time I didn't care, and I knew that was ridiculous. I remember him saying that he felt bad for me because I kept calling the ExBestFriend and only getting through to his voicemail, and my thinking that he probably actually couldn't care less.
I remember rambling about how I was so very drunk and that I got drunk so fast, thinking that being such a lightweight was embarrassing, and him saying that he wasn't that drunk. I remember hating the idea of that because it was unfair, and he knew what he was doing and that showed his lack of respect for me even though I agreed to it, and because he would be able to better remember it afterwards, when I knew I would want to forget it utterly.
And throughout it all I was trying, and failing, to berate myself for this, wondering why I didn't care at the moment, even though I knew I would later, and trying to make myself so that I would stop; wondering what was wrong with me and how much I would hate myself for this later. But at the time I just didn't care.
And that is what has me so perplexed that I still cannot get my head around it...
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The post I didn't want to write
or, the second biggest mistake of my life. You should be able to guess what the biggest has been.
This is what I've been avoiding, but I need to actually talk about it. I guess. If you happen to be one of my sister's friends, either stop reading or take some kind of blood oath or something never to tell her this. Or any of the content on my blog, actually. Yeah. click below for more.
I was drinking with my best friend Nick and a mutual friend, at mutual friend's house. (He shall now be referred to as MF for the remainder of this post)
Yes, a story that involves me drinking. What could possibly have gone wrong? [/sarcasm]
Nick and I had actually become friends through MF in the first place, over two years ago, when I was in Year 10. He was in the grade above me at the same school, as was Nick, and they both graduated last year. I hadn't spoken to him much last year but at a gig Nick's band played at early this year, I chatted to him for quite a while, and he said he'd buy me the drinks I needed the next day for myself and a friend, since he's over 18 and lives in the same suburb. So this was all good.
The following weekend, Nick rang me asking if I'd come drinking with him and MF, and although I initially said yes, I bailed because I was too tired. Because of this, I was told I had to come drinking with them another time. I've wanted to drink with Nick for a long time, because we're good friends and it would be hilarious. A couple other girls who they were friends with were also supposed to join us, one of who I later found out happens to be BF's ex, but they also bailed at the last minute.
It was the 30th of January. ~10.30PM. This story lasts till the 31st of January. ~5.30AM.
So we played some drinking games, etc. I called exbestfriend, several times, as I've mentioned before, and left him several voicemail messages in which I cried to no end, telling him how much I missed and loved him. All that jazz. I don't know why I always call him and not the others. I just, dunno. Sigh.
I was rather drunk at this point. Let's fastforward a bit. So, uh, I, well I had sex with MF. His idea.
And you know what, it's stupid. Because I remember what I was thinking.
I wasn't that I wanted to, or didn't want to. It didn't seem to matter.
And I knew that was stupid, I knew I knew I would regret it when I was sober, I wanted to keep my virginity till marriage (christian upbringing), blah blah blah; but it just didn't seem relevant.
So, that's shit.
Now, what could make it worse?
GAH. Well, we didn't use a condom the whole time. !!!
So now you know why I'm fucking scared that I'm pregnant. Although it wasn't for very long, I think.
I don't know!
I mean sure, I still get my period, it was over two months ago, but you can be pregnant and still get your period. But if directly after your period you are most likely to be pregnant, surely directly before is least likely, right? I got my period the next day, which happened to be the birthday of one of my best friends.
Fuuuuck.
And yeah I regret it.
Majorly.
I'm so fucking stupid.
If I'm pregnant WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO I DO?
I know I should get a pregnancy test and all that crap, but I'm scared.
It's kind of a huge deal to me. And yet, still the one thing I'm more scared about is that they don't miss me at all, and that we'll never even be friends at all, ever again.
This morning I was thinking about how I met the first of them. I knew we'd be good friends pretty much immediately. Maybe I'll go into that another time.
God I miss freaking having someone to talk to.
I need to stop talking about them on here. Besides how that's hell awkward if one of them actually found it and read it, or even does so now (which please god will never happen), going on and on about it doesn't do shit. I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything I can do. And that sucks more than losing my virginity to someone I really barely know who just wanted to get some, more than the possiblity of being pregnant, more than not knowing if I am or am not pregnant.
I feel like such a screw up, but I'm not willing to accept that. I screwed up majorly with MF and my best friends, but I dunno. I'm 16. My whole life is ahead of me. These things don't go away and I can't make up for them but that doesn't mean I am a screw up. I guess. Even though it feels like I am sometimes.
Oh god, drinking is such a bad idea, for me at least. But I still am not willing to stop and I don't know why. I am just going to try to be careful about who I drink around, because I happen to be very susceptible. Oh God I hate myself sometimes. For some things, that is.
Friday, March 27, 2009
I don't really want to drink anymore. I always thought it was stupid. I make no sense, I know.
But anyway, nearly every time I drink something bad happens. Except at my best friend's seventeenth recently; that was fun, and even then, if Chris wasn't, well, if he wasn't who he was, then, well yeah, I'd have just one more thing to regret. Oh and this one other party last year but then I didn't have very much to drink. Those have also been the only two times that I haven't called the ex best friend since. The time before my friend's seventeenth, well, that was bad. I called him about twenty times and left four voice messages on his voicemail. I also called Justin. And then there's the other thing, the thing that I don't really want to talk about yet. I will soon, but not right now.
Drinking is fun sometimes though, with my best friend, with a certain other friend, and with my best friend from school, etc. I just think that in certain situations I should drink less. Even if that means drinking crappy drinks like Pulse and Vodka Cruisers (I'm really not a fan).
I am getting $50 from some guy in my homegroup for swallowing a teaspoon's worth of cinnamon in one go. What to buy? Not credit, since my phone has succumbed to the grave. And this really pretty dress I want is $60. I suppose, if I waited a week, I could get it. I owe a few people money, but no more than ten bucks all up. So many possibilities... I really want new shoes, and new clothes. Not even want, but need. Really.
Sorry for degeneratng into talking about complete random musings here. I really have nothing to write about that comes to mind, except the thing. Like I said, not now.
EDIT: I am so tired. I want to sleep. But I have realised that the thing is, every night when it is time for me to go to bed, I'm almost scared to get off the computer. Some nights I don't even go on until around nine, but I delay and delay leaving because I hate having no connection to other people. Because now I don't have my phone. And I usually have a conversation with someone before I go to bed, be it Chris or my sister or a friend or something, on the phone or in person when with my sister, or even a good conversation over MSN with Nick or the ex best friend, or something. It just helps me sleep better.
I should probably explain just why choosing Chris over Italics Boy was a good idea, especially in hindsight. I know Chris thinks Italics Boy is a total prick after what I told him, but he's not, really. I love how Chris didn't try to convince me to be with him over Italics Boy, but waited until I actually decided for myself. It must have sucked for him. I think I miss him. I wish I didn't get over guys so fast. I don't know.
Monday, March 16, 2009
thnks fr th mmrs
Well that was a traumatic phone call.
I don't want to even think about half of that conversation ever again.
I'm so uncomfortable with talking about certain things.
Although I suppose, everyone has their "taboo" topics.
But, shit.
I wasn't doing so great before that conversation and now I'm somewhat worse.
It was just uncomfortable and delved into stuff I do not ever want to talk about, and other stuff that I'm not ready to talk about yet. At least while sober.
And really, with all the shit that's happened every time, I should stop fucking drinking.
But I won't. Why?
I'm stupid.
I don't know why!
I need to attempt some homework. Caffeine dosage upcoming.
Only thing I can say is that I'm so grateful for seeing Justin on Sunday evening at church. That makes everything better. And I can't wait till we hang out.
I'm so sick of having no one to talk to about serious shit. I'm so sick of people not letting me know what I'm doing is stupid, in a nice way where I'll actually take it on board. I'm really, really over being stuck with myself constantly and having to carry this stuff around.
I hate the flashbacks of memory. Any memory. Every memory. And then especially those memories. I want to remove them. Anyone know if there's a delete button?
I may even start almost completely over. I don't want to keep remembering what I did, with this different, normal perspective. How I usually look at the world. I want to forget.
I'd forget you, and you, and you and you and you, and that night, and that night, and that time;
I'd definitely forget that. Was it my fault, or yours? A bit of both, I'd say. I wish I could say it was yours entirely. I really do. I lost much of my slowly building self respect there. And I wish that someone could say it wasn't my fault and that such a statement would be true. I wish that I could take it back take it back back back.
I hatehatehate that I did that. I hate how I'll never have a second chance. Nothing can change that.
(Although, I'll admit, if it would have fixed things with my friends in some crazy way, I'd do the same thing again. A thousand times over, not that it's quite possible. But as close as I could get.)
And as for you, well, I think I'd keep those memories. I don't want to forget that, forget you, or what you meant; or how special that was. I wouldn't forget you either, or you. Or you. I'd keep those memories, bittersweet as they are except for those with the last one of you.
Everything else, I think I would forget.
I've never been so full of regrets.
UPDATE (1:43AM) - And if I had the energy or the desire to try to protect myself, I'd be curled in a ball with my arms around my head. But how does one fight when the enemy is already inside?
The more I try to stop it, the faster the images come, flashes here and gone; in a cycle that can't stop, won't stop. And each time it's worse.
And I'd give myself to you in any way possible so that I exist no longer as my own self, but rather something for someone else. How do I explain that concept? If I was no longer a physical being, but rather, just a presence, something like a spirit who just filled the gaps in those who needed it and who I once loved; that would be easier. The responsibility of living sometimes feels like too much (that's now).
I don't want to be freefalling, I'd rather be drifting, emotionless.
I'll put my life on hold permanently; do you see it up on that shelf? Till I'm more faded than the words that I once wrote; I'll love you always, forever.
I'm barely aware of what I'm saying, can you tell?
Living takes an effort that sometimes I can't find, and I'm scrawling down these senseless words hoping that somehow I'll find my mind.
Wow, that rhymed.
EDIT (2.16AM): All I want right now is a coffee I can drown my thoughts in.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I don't know how and I don't know why
but I think I like it anyway.
I really like Chris. He needs a blog name, no?
Right now I'm not going to think about how he has to go away sometime this year for his marine technician training or whatever the fuck, I don't understand the specifics. I'll ask him about it shortly. It may be soon, or it may not, but for now I am going to be happy that he is here and we are together and he likes me, and be content with every moment I do get to spend with him. And I won't be selfish and cry when he does leave, I'll keep missing him to myself and, you know, all the complaining to friends I am sure to do, since actually keeping anything entirely to myself is something it seems I am utterly incapable of doing...
And, I know most people these days despise smoking. But, I love fire. Almost as much as I love the sea. And it's not hard for me to go from loving smoke from an ordinary fire to that of a cigarette. Yes. I know. I'm insane.
He smokes, which I only found out on Friday night. Only occasionally, so I'm definitely not complaining.
P.S. I'm fucking weird when I'm drunk. But I really don't care. It's a lot better than when I go into "crying drunk" mode. I spent a whole night completely inebriated without even remotely wanting to call the ex best friend. That worries me, but makes me happy. I don't want to stop wanting him back.
P.P.S. I listened to "Rise Above This" by Seether for the first time today since the ex best friend became just that. It was my absolute all time favourite song, it encouraged me like nothing else, especially the music video for it. I love it. It was connected to him far too much for me to listen to it, and I didn't want to want to be better, so I've avoided it like the plague. But today, I was finally ready to listen to it again. I started crying, but it was good. The music video has always made me cry. Again, though, I don't want to need him less. Hmmm.
To homework.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Braja posted this on her blog.
"Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
— Lao-Tze
I'm doing something stupid. We all know that. But it's not as bad as you think, if you must know my stance on the matter. When I wrote that a certain guy from school didn't matter because I liked Italics boy [read: him, --> thus Italics boy] I was trying to convince myself. Also because Italics boy was reading my blog at that point, and I didn't want to admit just how much I was attracted to the other guy. And I did like him, a little bit. But shhh.
Now, I really like him. Both of them... [Sorry, this is so long]
I hate being a teenager.
And uh, P.S. I hooked up with both of them.
On the same day.
I know I'm kinda with Italics Boy. But what does that even mean? Admittedly, it took extreme tiredness, prompting from a best friend, and a couple shots of Midori for me to hook up with the other one. Who is a much better kisser, by the way.
I am very confused, but secretly, I think I'm going to end up choosing the boy from school.
Italics Boy has this going for him:
- We have the same family / religious background with the same type of parents in regards to rules, etc.
- He can bear my paranoia really well, so far.
- He's reaaally nice
The cons being:
- I can rarely see him outside of church, with church being a place where I can talk to him for approximately 10 minutes once a week. Not even kidding, since I have other friends / acquaintances to speak to; and since I am now playing flute as part of the music team, that time has been further reduced.
- He gets really annoying sometimes
- He jokes about things I really don't feel comfortable with, such as the idea of me being pregnant...
- He always has so much homework, that we can barely talk. We can't talk on the phone because someone on his family would listen in, having three home phones; and we're not allowed to make calls to mobiles; also both of us are consistently short on [read: completely out of] mobile credit.
Yeah that's it.
He is really nice and stuff. But as for the other guy, who just by the way, seems to at least like me for more than my body. Which, Italics Boy also does, but it feels like it's more about that half the time. Of course, it is nice being told that you're hot. For like, the first three times. Then, it irritates the crap out of me... and makes me angry. But angry in a way where I won't actually say that I am, and then conversation on my side just becomes snappy and the other person is left wondering what the hell happened... Coz I'm like that.
Okay, other guy.
Pros
- He's kinda old school gentleman like. It's cute. Somewhat disconcerting, but then, I do have this expectation that every guy I end up with is using me or something... Even with Jimit, although we were kinda using each other... And then ended up liking each other. Goddamnit I want a conventional love story. The fairy tale kind... Not that I want to fall in love, yet. /runs for the hills.
- He is also really nice.
- Better kisser which doesn't count. Honestly. It's just a fact.
- I can see him all the time.
- Lynley (best friend) approves
- He doesn't care if I kiss [or get incredibly close with, since we are "lesbian buddies". But not really...] Lynley. Just on the lips, since her boyfriend only lets her make out with other girls if he's present. Not that I'm keen or anything... Okay, I am. I'm still perfectly straight.
That seems to be a rule a lot of boyfriends seem to have haha. And is why I should have taken the chance at her birthday party on Saturday where I hooked up with this guy for the first time. Although, Italics Boy definitely wouldn't mind either.
- He sends me cute text messages.
Cons
- He's too cute; for those of you who don't know I get scared off easily. Walking me to my lessons, putting away my books for me, etc. Weird. Cute, but freaky. And yeah, all the sweet stuff. Besides, he likes me a lot; "either way i'm not going down without a fight (: not literally but you get the idea lol (:". He has the advantage of knowing the situation with Italics Boy as well; Italics Boy being in the dark about this development; but he hasn't tried to make me choose him, although as he says, he is "obviously biased".
- That's about it, really. Oh and he tries to kiss me with other people around. Which I'm not comfortable with; but he doesn't do it much; I just care too much about what other people think, etc. And it's just awkward for others.
What I'm really pissed off about is the fact that my friends decided to have what was practically an "intervention", How I Met Your Mother style -
[it's within the last 5 minutes]
Okay, I hear that wasn't quite the plan, but when another three people came out to join the original one who wanted to talk to me, it became an intervention, a la the fabulous show. Without the banner and letters. I'm rather irritated since one of these people isn't someone I even consider to really be a friend of mine anymore; we are more friends of friends because, face it, we drifted poles apart nearly a year ago.
Of course, you could say I'm technically cheating on Italics Boy, that's what I said to this boy from school (who really needs a name) in between kissing him against the wall at Lynley's; but that is technically, since we aren't actually going out. And I have not being going through lots of guys lately. I agree, it would be better if I was the one getting hurt; but, shit. Jimit doesn't count because we were together October last year, at the latest. Cameron was not someone I was ever with. I just wanted to be friends with him, and I had no idea how to respond when he held my hand, put his arm around me, and kissed my forehead. I'm awkward like that. [And holy shit speak of the devil he just came on MSN.] The plan with him is, when I get credit, explain to him that I'm sorry, but I think I gave him the wrong idea, and I really just want to be friends.
Then there was Italics Boy and this guy, almost immediately after each other.
And I tried really hard to not like the boy from school. I kept mentioning Italics Boy, as one of my tactics. Apparently, though, he knew that's why I was doing it, because my feelings were in my eyes. Like I'm not obvious enough otherwise anyway. I tried to just think of him as a friend. But that didn't work so well. I wish he didn't actually like me in return, that he just wanted a hook up that night. But life is never that simple. Although that wouldn't be so simple either.
And thanks for telling him what you told me as well; he already knows the position both he and I are in (No sexual innuendo jokes please!), we have talked about it, and he is willing to wait for me to make my decision, and not try to rush me into it. Either way, he wants us to be friends, although both of us would find that really hard. He doesn't need you telling him what he already knows. By the way, you can tell me what you want, that is your right. Not to tell him your opinion.
I hate this situation in which I find myself (I only just found out today that it is technically incorrect grammar to end a sentence with a preposition, although, yes, I did do this in the previous paragraph). For the last week, I have been wishing that I had met the boy from school just two weeks earlier. Which indicates something about which I might choose... But I am not deciding anything for sure yet! I need a little bit more time.
I did not try to engender this; I didn't ask for it; and I can never help who I like! I'd tried to stop myself liking the ex best friend, I'd tried to stop liking David; either way, I have no control over it. I know, I don't have to follow through on my feelings, but when they are reciprocated... and when I have such terrible self control...
Never good.
Sigh.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I meant to post this last night (or rather, this morning, around the 6-ish mark), but I was on my dad's mobile and it was slow and I was tired and still not all that sober...
I did sneak out to hang out with two of my friends who have now finished school, but who I originally knew from Staberfoyle. So we played a couple of drinking games and hey, Mark has an air conditioner which was a more attractive prospect than anything, in this crazy 40 degree weather we've been having. (It's been in the high 40's for the last few days and is likely to stay in the 40's till next Sunday /dies [that's Celsius])
Anyway, in the past I may have mentioned that I can actually keep my balance pretty well while inebriated. Forget that. I was very, very wrong. Not that I was all that much more uncoordinated than when sober, but still; it was worse. Definitely, noticeably worse.
I still was capable of climbing over a fence ;)
I'd post more but I don't feel comfortable sharing certain things with those of you I know IRL, particularly via a blog. Haha. But no, Car Crash Hearts, I did not hook up with Nick. ;P
Monday, November 10, 2008
I'm kindah happy
Vaguely sad, happy. I was looking at Alysha's pics from Halloween, the party at Ev's. Haha got a shock when I saw that David was there, glad I didn't go. There weren't very many pictures. But. There was this one of Jake with Dani. And... he looks really happy. Not just happy for the moment, truly contented. Of course, that could be the alcohol, Sam has told me how fucked he was that night. Probs why he's only in like, 3 photos. And his diabetes was high, I was hell worried when he told me that. But he was okay.
But, if he's happy. I'm sad that's not with me as his friend. But finally... And that makes me happy, if he's happy. Always tinged with sadness, but I am glad. /regretful smile
(: ....
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