I know that this blog was supposed to be positive, and even though I’m incredibly confused and scared and practically running around in circles during the few minutes when my head isn’t stuck five feet under the ground in order to avoid reality, well, I still think I’m in a much better place than, well, where I was when I wrote a certain post on my LiveJournal which I have only just re-read. Let me tell you, I do not ever want to be back there again. (Not LiveJournal, but in how I was thinking and feeling during that post ;P)
The post is dated the 30th of September, 2008, and I’m pretty much incoherent. I can’t even formulate sentences. As for what I’m detailing with the words I’m getting out, that’s pretty scary too. I wanted to die, and I say that, several times over.
Here are some excerpts. “I don't want to be dead. But I don't want to be alive… I'm dying inside. No I feel already dead. So then why am I still crying constantly. Why do I still feel so sick all the time, I can't even walk, can't talk, I collapsed the other day at home, i couldn't stand up anymore, i practically fell to sit on the floor… I think I fucking lost my heart when I read those words. I don't want to keep going. But there's nothing else to do. I'm not so stupid as to kill myself... I can't even breathe properly. i didn't know i could cry this much. i want to die. i really just do. I can't even explain what i'm thinking. please just let me die. i can't do this. i want to cut myself into a million shreds, to reflect the pieces of my heart. I am struggling for words. I don't know what i'm doing or saying, i can't focus or concentrate... I want to die.”
It actually terrifies me to remember feeling that. My mind just would not work, and I would come home after school and cry and cry and could not physically speak, I couldn’t sleep and when I did, I’d have dream after dream that I could not handle. I didn’t do any school work, and I have no idea how I held myself together at school at all. It was like I was in the most terrible nightmare, and I kept pleading with my mind to let me wake up, but what was the worst was that I knew it was real, and I wouldn’t wake up. I’m overdramatic, I know. But that’s what it felt like. This is before the hospital incident, which occurred two days before our school’s final music night for the year, and which I have yet to write about properly.
Even looking back to the early posts of this blog, there are some moments when I’m pretty emo, or whatever you want to call it. I wouldn’t say “depressed” because I’m not comfortable with using that word in relation to myself; I don’t think I’ve ever had depression but many people and tests beg to differ. And come to think of it, I’d never use the term “emo” to describe someone else feeling like that, except if it was a joke. That, however, is neither here nor there.
We all expected there’d be setbacks, anyway. No one is happy all the time. So here’s some evidence of how much better I am – 2nd of July 2008 was the last time I hurt myself. Even with how I was feeling above, I could not, would not give in. I knew that would have made it even worse. My friends, yes, those ones, were the reason I stopped in the first place, and that, in a way, made me want to, because I didn’t have them anymore; but I knew I had to, or it would only make things worse. It’s hard to explain…
It hurts rather a lot that they were the reason I stopped and now, well, it doesn’t matter to them either way; at least, that is what I’m guessing. But it’s my fault myfault. That is what hurts most I guess. Actually, I can’t pinpoint it to one thing about it that is the worst, it’s all of it together. But that is not what this post is about.
You might not believe that I’m getting better. Sometimes I don’t believe it myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m desperately trying to keep myself together even as I am falling irreparably apart, and that even when I think I’m doing okay, I’m not really. And sure, these moments have been occurring more than usual lately, since this incident. But when I manage to work up the courage to actually get said incident sorted out and dealt with, I think I’m going to keep becoming a more positive person, or whatever the hell it is. With being happy with myself, and thus being able to be a better friend. And all that jazz.
Anyway I’m off to watch some TV, and it’s not even NCIS for a change. ;)
Love to all my blogging friends
xx
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Just Waiting for Proof that there’s Sunsets and Silhouette Dreams
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Good News / Bad News?
I am really missing Chris.
P.S. I really want to someday find someone for me who the lyrics of this song will be just right for -
Here [In Your Arms] - Hellogoodbye Music Code
Update (11.41PM) : I have a confession. I'm delaying getting off the computer as much as I can, even with my mum yelling at me (a lot), because I don't want to go to bed. And to sleep. Where I will be alone.
I'm so scared to be alone. I just want someone, anyone to converse with.
Monday, March 16, 2009
thnks fr th mmrs
Well that was a traumatic phone call.
I don't want to even think about half of that conversation ever again.
I'm so uncomfortable with talking about certain things.
Although I suppose, everyone has their "taboo" topics.
But, shit.
I wasn't doing so great before that conversation and now I'm somewhat worse.
It was just uncomfortable and delved into stuff I do not ever want to talk about, and other stuff that I'm not ready to talk about yet. At least while sober.
And really, with all the shit that's happened every time, I should stop fucking drinking.
But I won't. Why?
I'm stupid.
I don't know why!
I need to attempt some homework. Caffeine dosage upcoming.
Only thing I can say is that I'm so grateful for seeing Justin on Sunday evening at church. That makes everything better. And I can't wait till we hang out.
I'm so sick of having no one to talk to about serious shit. I'm so sick of people not letting me know what I'm doing is stupid, in a nice way where I'll actually take it on board. I'm really, really over being stuck with myself constantly and having to carry this stuff around.
I hate the flashbacks of memory. Any memory. Every memory. And then especially those memories. I want to remove them. Anyone know if there's a delete button?
I may even start almost completely over. I don't want to keep remembering what I did, with this different, normal perspective. How I usually look at the world. I want to forget.
I'd forget you, and you, and you and you and you, and that night, and that night, and that time;
I'd definitely forget that. Was it my fault, or yours? A bit of both, I'd say. I wish I could say it was yours entirely. I really do. I lost much of my slowly building self respect there. And I wish that someone could say it wasn't my fault and that such a statement would be true. I wish that I could take it back take it back back back.
I hatehatehate that I did that. I hate how I'll never have a second chance. Nothing can change that.
(Although, I'll admit, if it would have fixed things with my friends in some crazy way, I'd do the same thing again. A thousand times over, not that it's quite possible. But as close as I could get.)
And as for you, well, I think I'd keep those memories. I don't want to forget that, forget you, or what you meant; or how special that was. I wouldn't forget you either, or you. Or you. I'd keep those memories, bittersweet as they are except for those with the last one of you.
Everything else, I think I would forget.
I've never been so full of regrets.
UPDATE (1:43AM) - And if I had the energy or the desire to try to protect myself, I'd be curled in a ball with my arms around my head. But how does one fight when the enemy is already inside?
The more I try to stop it, the faster the images come, flashes here and gone; in a cycle that can't stop, won't stop. And each time it's worse.
And I'd give myself to you in any way possible so that I exist no longer as my own self, but rather something for someone else. How do I explain that concept? If I was no longer a physical being, but rather, just a presence, something like a spirit who just filled the gaps in those who needed it and who I once loved; that would be easier. The responsibility of living sometimes feels like too much (that's now).
I don't want to be freefalling, I'd rather be drifting, emotionless.
I'll put my life on hold permanently; do you see it up on that shelf? Till I'm more faded than the words that I once wrote; I'll love you always, forever.
I'm barely aware of what I'm saying, can you tell?
Living takes an effort that sometimes I can't find, and I'm scrawling down these senseless words hoping that somehow I'll find my mind.
Wow, that rhymed.
EDIT (2.16AM): All I want right now is a coffee I can drown my thoughts in.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I am so freaked out right now. I was looking at followers and was checking out the blog of one of my newest followers. Remember the best friends I used to write about a lot? (And trust me I still think about them so much) Well from reading her blog and seeing her followers in turn, this girl is the best friend of one of those; they'd been friends since primary school. I don't know if she found my blog through following those others of us from my school, or if its because we have some similar favourite movies and the like, or how, but I'm majorly freaked out at the moment, because my friend is following her blog, and if she finds mine...
Let's just say I don't really want that.
I would give anything to reconcile this shit. Hell, if I knew if there was anything I could do to fix this, I would. But I don't have any fucking idea and do you know how fucking long it has been now??? Almost seven months. Seven months in which I have thought of them every day, and known I couldn't talk to them. No, I talked to each of them in person once, just a few lines of exchange, on the last day of school last year.
But, I don't know what to do. I don't know if anything can fix it. I don't think they care, or miss me at all. Do you know how much that hurts???
I've been refraining about writing about this on here because its what makes up most of the content of the first three months of this blog, but everyday when I see them at school, when I think of the time I could be spending with them in the lessons and frees we have together, do you know what that does to me???
I think, I'm okay. Like I said, I'm getting better. But not so much that it doesn't hurt. I don't know why I'm freaking out so badly about this. But things are building up again. Someone I love more than anything is struggling with her urges to force herself to throw up, again. She was past that. Like I'm past cutting, right? She tried the other day though, but couldn't. She was "out of practice". Why the hell should anyone even be in practice for something like that??? It's breaking my heart, because I want to help her so much, but I have to stand by and try to convince her not to, but knowing that whatever I or anyone else says, it may not be enough. I can only hope that she gets past this, but I cannot do anything.
I'm sick of not being able to do anything, or knowing what to do, to make things okay.
And I'd go back in time if I could, to that last day we spent together, although the ex best friend (who, by the way, has gone back to not talking to me at all; I don't fucking understand him) wasn't there and that in itself made me cry, just a little. It was a good day. And I still don't understand how I fucked the best thing in my life up so badly.
If I understood it, maybe that would make it better. Maybe not. But I don't know. I don't get it at all.
I didn't realise how good a job I'd done of suppressing this till now. Which is obviously how I've been able to keep going.
I need to go.
EDIT: [10.06PM] I'm slightly less agitated, watched my favourite TV show, and with that distraction and the passing of time, I may be able to sleep before 1AM. Fingers crossed. Although I need to do homework so actually, forget that. Let's go with 3AM and a truckload of coffee tomorrow in the morning. Damn I love the coffees at our local cafe. I swear, they get me through life.
In other news, I have this huge hickey on my neck that is kinda too far over to properly cover with my hair. I need to be really careful for the next week or so, especially around home. Chris came over this morning before our excursion and we just hung out (and made out) and I accidentally leaned on the part of the computer desk that slides out, on which the keyboard sits, while we were watching music videos on YouTube, and broke it. Said desk is only about two months old. The line on which it runs is mangled and I can't fix it. My dad, when he finds out, will kill me, because it doesn't move properly anymore. Needless to say though, it was quite funny. And typical of my accidental destruction of everything. You love it. And me too, of course. (And I still hope that won't change because I need you a lot more than you'll ever realise.)
Friday, November 28, 2008
And when it comes, it comes so quickly
That you're caught in its grip before you even realise it's there...
The rapid descent into panic, the shortness of breath, the racing thoughts, the headache, the inability to focus, the flitting from one concept to another, desperately trying to find something to settle on, or perhaps to go so fast that everything blurs and the panic, the panic which was caused by a reason you no longer even remember, the panic disappears. With that aim in mind, perhaps a walk, perhaps music during the night, yet in the day, when it traps you so fast, nothing seems to help, except intervention.
Outer intervention, a conversation, a friendly distraction. Help me, I'm trapped in a whirlpool, I'm being dragged down, pull me out.
NOW
I'd be screaming if it would put across the urgency better, and in fact I'm already screaming regardless, but it's all within, all trapped within, I need you to release me, calm me down, it's necessary for you to know of the turmoil within, only necessary for you to engage, and the storm subsides...
for a time, for a time...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I have to fix this.
now. Soon it will be the holidays and then it will be too late. There's just over a week. I know I need to do it now. I knew it even before Sacha and Bec told me.
But I don't know what to do!
/freaks out
Sacha said the other night via myspace
"this whole thing is stupid
if you wanna talk to me and bec
just come and talk to us"
AGREED. THIS WHOLE THING IS STUPID
buuuut. they are always with someone else! how am i supposed to just go interrupt? i don't even know what to say
i don't even know if i have anything to say.
i can't think of anything
i don't know
help.
As night invades,
so too memories of you.
Unstoppable, taking hold,
Under attack, I just let go.
Sink into these pain laced thoughts,
Where there is no reprieve,
You're a part of everything I do,
And you will not leave. >.<
aha laaaame.
going back to Ancient Studies. this is my eight post tonight. hopefully last.
It always annoyed Jake how I whored when I was upset over ze internet, namely MySpace. With little emo bulletins, a lot of them. Hahh.
But he said he put up with it coz he cared about me. Although he preferred just telling a few close friends. But I have so much in me it just spills out, I need to tell everyone. I need people to care, as many as possible. It bubbles over and now I can put it on my blog so less will read it.
And I can spaz as much as I like.
And attempt to get everything out my head.
I'm bailing water out of a sinking boat, but no where near as fast as it is coming in
But I'm staying afloat, let's keep it that way (:
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
All I need
is you to promise me you'll never leave.
Just convince me.
I need your unconditional love.
I can be anything as long as I'm not without you.
I can be anything as long as I'm not alone
As long as I'm not unloved.
God, yeah. But I have not gone to God yet and I don't know if I can find my way to him anymore, I never have been able to before. And I tried, I really did. But there are things stopping me, always have been. And these obstacles have been accumulating. God is the answer. I know that with such conviction. Regardless of whatever any of you say.
I need you because I need someone. I have my standards for friends and you're high above them, I'll bring you down.
I will test you because I need to be sure. Test you till I break that and then wonder why I feel so empty and hollow when I thought I would feel satisfied, that I was right after all. But find out it's not what I really want.
And I don't even really believe that, what I just said. I don't do that. Okay, I do sometimes. But not...
I need you. Everyone of you. I need you who I don't even know. I need someone to listen, someone to care.
I'm just a selfish person.
But I'm so much more.
I just need you to make me that.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Trapped
Perhaps "Alone" is rather a more appropriate title than "Trapped", or "Lonely", "Isolation", "Cut off"... or even "The Fear of Falling"...
hah. Well, see, it's 11.11. My sister + my mum have collaborated together to remove the internet cable, so, since I have no credit, access to my dad's phone, blah blah, not to mention of course not the home phone, I am completely cut off from any outside contact. By the way, make a wish quickly :P
I am not superstitious in regards to making wishes, whether at 11.11 or on shooting stars, or anything. I am not very superstitious at all...
And yet, the romanticism of the idea of wishing on a star, or at 11.11, is something that strikes me.
I like to at least make note of the idea... How I wish magic was real. How many times I have gone over this with Jake, or that Star Wars was real lol.
It is somewhat the same in how I wish life was a musical, where everyone could break into song and synchronised dance, knowing all the words with everyone being to sing well, and cars would magically stop driving along a particular stretch of road as you and a bunch of other people burst out and began singing + dancing along it. hah. I guess one can see from this that I have a longing for a life that is unrealistic, a movie or storybook tale... Not in a completely delusional way, but I wish that it were real all the same. I love the idea of those things, I would love for them to be true, they capture my fancy in a way that has held me since I was young, although I never believed in any of it then either.
Mmm moving on. I hate when I get like this, I want to work out with Emma if I'm going to be able to meet up with her briefly tomorrow while we're both in town / the bay, eee I'm heaps excited for if I see her but I don't know coz I can't get on MySpace, she might be getting her phone taken off her coz she keeps going over her cap and, there's the whole, not having credit either, but then she doesn't have my number I don't think anyway. Agh. I keep saying "eee", I hated it when I first saw people using that lol. Sigh.
But when I say, "when I get like this", I mean get into this situation. It's not even not contacting people, it's more knowing that if I needed to, I can't get in touch with anyone. And I like to have that reassurance. Not having that freaks me out. It really stresses me and thus makes something wrong so that I do need to be able to talk to someone to calm down, and then I can't. It's terrible. I have a slight tightness in my chest, but not too bad. I'm ignoring it, as per usual.
This is going to be posted sometime tomorrow morning. I'm so tempted to let myself sleep, I fell asleep for maybe an hour at around 6 this evening, but obviously still so sleep deprived, okay I have been sleeping in the spare room for the last week or so, which is where the computer is. I made myself a playlist of songs I would like to sleep to. This playlist is 6 hours long. I put it on just before I go to sleep, falling asleep is not a problem because I have already kept myself up way too late. And not once yet has that list played all the way through.
I am sleeping far less than 6 hours every night. But I cannot bear the dreams. As it is, I still get them a little. But not so often. And that is a relief.
Mmm I'm thinking I might go sit outside on the driveway, watch the cars go by, the lights up on the hill. My eyes will inevitably, at a number of times, be drawn to Jake's house, not surprising considering it's dead ahead. I'll remember so much, all the times I have waited for him at that very spot, when we went for walks. I miss that. I used to be terrified of the dark. But it's not so bad. Not the dark so much as the shadows, not so much the shadows as what could be hidden in them. I have something of a fertile imagination, and a touch of paranoia.
I'll remember conversations we've had, moments we shared. And I will miss him more than anything and it's highly likely I will have the urge to hurt myself, especially considering I have there before, there's a lot of blood been seeped into those pavers, a lot of pain around there, if inanimate objects can take on a little of the emotions they are subjected to. Another thing I don't believe in but would like to be real.
I won't give in, of course. But it's the temptation I don't like. And I am so tired, so tired. There have been times in the past I have sat there, so drowsy I have become fearful of falling asleep, but taking another 20 or so minutes to gather the strength to get up and come back inside, that drained of energy. I need sleep, I know, I can't go on like this. But I am hope hope hoping this matter will be resolved soon enough that I will soon be able to sleep without fear of repercussion in the form of dreams I can't stand. They're not nightmares. It is, in part, the feeling I experience when I wake and know that the dreams aren't reality, that is so... off putting, to completely miss the mark in description. Or, the opposite, to be glad it is not like it was in the dreams, but the thought so dreadful I cannot rid it from my mind fast enough. Even my occasional dreams of friends or family dying don't deter me from sleep, because I know they are just that. Occasional. The last one being about Jake. Waking up crying. I texted him, the time being something like 5 am, wanting to ask if he was okay, but knowing it was stupid, that it was only a dream. Still fearful. Just "I love you". Eventually returning to sleep. His reply at a reasonable hour that morning, "I love you too." My eventual explanation.
What I would give to have him say that to me now. My favourite message on my phone, I loved it at the time but now it is incredibly bittersweet; "I walked into a wall just now. I love you :)"
It made me so happy, he not being the kind to say "I love you" often at all, and barely ever first off, more often in reply. It was pretty funny. This was at about 2.39 in the morning, just having gotten off MSN to each other. Another thing I would give anything to have now, talking to each other on MSN till he left or I fell asleep aha. And that was one of the cutest messages.
Yeah in case you hadn't guessed, I'm leaving sitting out on the driveway for another night. This is making me feel less lonely, writing this. It's like talking to someone else. Like, in hospital. That night. Phone w/ credit dead. Then my new, broken phone running out of battery, since it barely had any, thus no music. Thankfully I had my diary key in my pocket of my jeans randomly that day. And so I got mum to bring me my diary. Hah I wonder what she would do to be able to look inside that bag ^_^
I ended writing in my diary till 2 30 or something, that morning, just talking about stuff, I didn't want to recount what happened, so I told my diary it would have to wait, and just talked about so much stuff. It's kindah like talking to someone else, as I said ^^^. It really helped. I treat my diary like a person. I write to it as I would talk to another person, as I would talk to another me I suppose. Because I know it is trustworthy, it understands me, for it is me after all. I keep a diary for various reasons, and I try to keep in mind that I will change, even more than I already have, and in many years to come, I may not think in the same way whatsoever. So I do give as much explanation as I can, and also in the even that someone else may read it, should I ever choose to let them. Shazz has read bits and pieces of my diary from year 9, late last year, and even though then it was over a year old, and did, indeed seem trivial, I was incredibly uncomfortable about it, although I let her. Ashlea, in year 8, read bits of my diary from year 7, but same deal there. I don't know. In the future, yeah I might be okay with someone reading really old stuff, but I dunno. I'm a fairly open person, but there is a point where it breaches my level of comfort in regards to privacy.
My counsellor suggested that some day she may be able to see my diary. ^_^ I hate saying "my counsellor". Ew I have a regular counsellor. How fucked up does that make me sound/ feel. Egh. I know, I know, blah blah it's not, etc etc, but the facts don't change the way I feel. Ehhh
Mmm I heaps like her though, even though Miss Cynical Toivoa is all like blah blah she only does it for the money blah blah. Shut up. Anyhow, I dunno. Seriously considering it, I immediately shy away from the idea. Of course. And she understands that.
But part of me wants to, the part that craaaaves other people to understand me. Of course this part also expects that people will understand me at my deepest levels and also accept me... This part is unrealistic and I know that. There are some people who would be able to do that, and some who wouldn't. "It takes all types to make the world go 'round" and all that. I accept that. But there is still that annoying, extremely needy part of me that wants that. And perhaps a part of me that wants to expose myself, hoping that I will be accepted, not even expecting that acceptance, but praying desperately that Toivoa, all her flaws and failures, everything she is, will be good enough for other people when they see it. Yes, that is a definite. I love analysing myself lol.
Particularly since she suggested it. ^_^
If I had thought of it myself, I wouldn't have seriously considered it because I would not want to inconvenience her. How many people really really want to be able to see inside another's mind? Oh, they might think they do, but if they had the chance, would they realise that was a bad idea? I think a lot of people might regret such a want.
I am very tentative at the risk of being a burden to other people, I am more past the stage of not wanting to offend people to the point where I agree with most things they say, trivial things. I have always tended to stand up for the things I really believe in, but in a number of things, I used to try to agree with everyone, not wanting to give anyone the chance to dislike me. However, I am, thankfully, past that, since it is ridiculous to think that a disagreeable on something would necessarily be off putting to another. Different viewpoints are the things that add flavour and diversity to life. Who's to say just one of these is right? It may be that one, or more, or all are correct. Or none, even.
Let me just state here that I do not believe truth is relative. Regardless of whether one believes in Santa or not, the truth is that he does not exist. Or if, per se, I am wrong, and Santa does exist, regardless of my belief that he doesn't, he still does. ^_^ yes? I am not entirely sure of what "per se" means or it's correct usage, soooo forgive me if that doesn't work, and I don't think it does, quite. hahaha ;P
Anyhow, thankfully, I am well past that phase in my life. Yet this still "not wanting to be troublesome to others in any possible way" concept of mine is sometimes taken a bit to the extreme. Sigh.
I suppose it will lower with the rise of my self esteem. Hah I love this accepting myself thing. It's rather intoxicating, being okay with who I am as a person. Eeeee (: Not thinking I am great, but thinking that I am equal to others, thinking my opinions are worth something, that I am worth something. It is amazing, after having been so negative towards myself all these years. I really cannot explain the feeling it gives me at times. Mmm
Oh, it's 12.08AM.
But I can honestly say, I am considering it, this diary thing. Not ready yet, but it's a possibility, maybe, a bit further down the line. Who knows? The future is ahead of me, filled with innumerous possibilities, and this road could lead anywhere.
xx
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Living in the here and now
^^^ That is what I have decided to try to do, to an extent. Focus on things close at hand rather than the past, I'm terrible for looking back and wishing to change things; and looking forward too far and thus freaking out, but ah well.
Random point, last night when I said that I'm empathetic. At the same time, I tend to forget that not everyone thinks the same as me. Most people will interpret the same message and looks differently to how I will, will take wrong meanings when I or others meant something completely different, they will have perspectives on the same subject that seem as obviously right to them as my own, different view will seem to me. I keep using "different" in this paragraph, I apologise, I'd come up with a different word but, I can't be bothered.
I am far too idealistic, I know that. I like to think the best, I like to think that people overall are good and generous and loving, I like to think that we can solve major world problems. Don't disillusion me too much... I'd like to hang onto a little innocence, deluded or not. Another word for this, of course, is naivety, but maybe being slightly naive is not always a bad thing. I like to dream, I make huge plans for things not likely to happen but I half believe we can do it. I just don't really have the motivation to follow through with it I guess.
I have decided on a strategy of Toivoa well-being (:
Today I didn't have time for breakfast but, since mum stopped buying it, bought some Choc Up & Go from the canteen this morning mmmm um num num (: Hah. And took my tablets, made sure to moisturise my scars with that stuff to help get rid of them, the ones on my leg, to be honest I love my scars, I love those scars, I only want them gone so I can wear shorts to school. I'm heaps devastated I lost my pictures of when I made them, and they were glistening with blood. >.>
Forgive me, if you are reading this, take note that I have an unhealthy fascination with blood that goes way beyond any kind of normalcy, and also scars, I have in fact had a scar that took me a couple of weeks to make, that I just wanted to have a scar in the shape of a heart, I didn't do it for any particular self harm reasons, I would not even define it as self harm. I wanted that scar. It didn't turn out so well. But yeah it was not about the pain, it was a little about the pleasure of bleeding (and trust me, that does not mean I like having my period, ewwww), I am slightly morbid at times, although a fascination with blood does not necessarily mean fascination with death, in fact death repels me rather a lot... So morbid is not, perhaps, the right word. However, I do think about dying a lot. Not even in a vaguely suicidal way. Okay okay, there are occasions. But those thoughts are beyond my control, leaving me panicked and struggling to breathe...
But yes, I accidentally deleted those of my phone before uploading them, apart from a couple, just of my leg covered in blood, and the one of my hand with blood on it, mmm. Sorry, it does give me a peverse sense of happiness. I, yeah, I am an odd one. Forgive me. I feel guilty for that, it is something that is not... right, I feel. It is not something I would readily admit to either. Mmm Jake and I have discussed this, I have talked over so much stuff with him, strange considering how closed off he is. And I know he always felt bad about not being able to say anything to make me feel better when I was upset, but his support, knowing that he cared, that was enough! I wish I had managed to make him believe this, I wish I had been able to do more for him. Since some of you know him, I don't have the freedom to talk about him all that much, some things are not really for me to share. Mm.
But anyhow, I have decided that I need to take a stand for myself, take the initiative to being happy, doing what I know is best. Letting, as Amanda says, the strong Toivoa take over. I wouldn't define her as the strong Toivoa, the right but weaker Toivoa. God definitely brought me into contact with Amanda for a reason. She is so similar to me, has had a lot of the same thoughts, experiences as me; understands the way I think. And I am so lucky I trusted her.
Wow, I go off on as massive tangents as Mr Clark haha. I should attempt to structure this; but eh. Later, other blogs. I'm nervous nervous nervous, first conversation with Bec and Sacha in ages, through emails, it's scary and it's filling me with the small flame of hope, hope I do not yet want to feel. I'm more scared of getting hurt than I realised, I'm not sure if things can be worked out, and I don't want to hope in vain. But still I cannot smother the burning. I'm hoping and hoping so painfully, I don't know if I can take it. I'm on the edge of my seat, hoping, hoping, if it hadn't been so long and I hadn't grown so distant from these things, I would be praying, so so edgy.
My blogs are really too long, but I have so much to ramble on about. I have got to try what Amanda said, to realise thoughts and emotions can come into my mind which aren't mine, from tv, etc, and I have to learn to recognise these bad ones that come in and shouldn't be there, and let them go. I will keep my blogs shorter from now on, I promise.
Now the email.
Thus far. So scared. No reason to hope, and yet I am. Hope is not a myth. Thank God for that. But in this situation, I am not ready to hope.
But, for the past three hours, I have had the "post comment" page open on Shazz's blog, and I don't know what to say. Words can't make it better. I have contributed to her pain. I know that. I want to make it better. I don't want her to feel alone. But I don't know how to communicate everything I feel. That has been one of my biggest problems lately.
I have been combing through old TWLOHA blogs, trying to find the "Hope is not a myth" one to hyperlink where I wrote it before, I just read some of the ones where Jamie and Trisha etc went to India. This stood out. "People were made to be free." In this context, it is talking about literal slavery, but people should be free, from feeling alone, from the mental trap we set ourselves. Free from that broken part of us, that failing of the human condition. We deserve to be free of self doubt, and self hatred, etc. I can't express what I mean adequately.
I love how Jamie, and everyone in TWLOHA, acknowledges the very real pain and tragedy all across the world in all its different forms, and yet they do not simply accept it as a fact, like many people. They present the fact that hope is real, they bring hope to the hopeless; they work to change that. I love how it shows so clearly, that one person can change the world. One voice can make a difference.
Hope is still so real in this dark and corrupted world. That fills me with something I can't explain, having that assurance. I guess, it's hope, in something strangely ironic. The idea of hope fills me with hope. But apt, I suppose.
Mmm, I need to do homework. And comment on Shazz's blog.
One small thing.
"Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, I want to see you."
p.s. last night i let myself fall asleep by 12, i had 3 dreams, two with jake and other random people, in the library hah. and one with sacha and bec. not good. kept waking up. i'm gonna keep myself up again later tonight. sigh.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I'm all out words, but I'll spill some to you regardless.
"Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone..."
Oh god I love that chorus.
I'm terrified.
Out of my fucking mind.
The thought of speaking to Sacha and Bec.
Why is there such a strong side to me that I have no control over? That terrifies me. eg. stops me talking to people for no reason, when i don't want to cut off communication with them!
I want to speak to them but I don't know what to say, I don't know what I'm going to say. Terrified terrified terrified.
Talking to Amanda was the best thing that happened to me all day. It was so good.
"Your dad wants you to have the very best, and he's given you every opportunity he could, and protected you from everything, and the reason he's disappointed, not because he's disappointed in Toivoa, because he's disappointed in himself, disappointed that he forget to protect you from one thing, he protected you from everything that could hurt you, except from yourself."
it was something like that. part of what she said. oh i love her so much. haha she doesn't like social workers very much either. she said so much helpful stuff. eh counsellor lady is pretty chill too. why do i keep saying things are chill? /kills self
lol.
I just had the strangest thought. it's not that odd, but it just came to me with odd clarity. "Jake is only a couple of metres away." Okay, more than a couple. But maybe 100 metres. I'm in the lounge room at the front of our house. And he is, unless he's on their laptop, in the room their computer is in at the front of his house. [he's on msn] hahhhh oh my god, i wish he was that close in other ways, the word to describe the way i mean happens to escape me..
Forgive me, my thoughts may jump around a lot tonight.
Damn Sam Lane was talking to me tonight, I have actually come to love that boy, he is so caring. Okay the fact that he is going out with Josh maaaajorly creeps me out still, but I guess I've come to that stage of being against something in theory but fine with it in practice. My parents' influence + my upbringing wearing down after being bombarded by this society we live in. Mmm. But okay, Sach and Bec, he told them about my overdosing and going to hospital. Not exactly thrilled about that. ^_^
Agh. I really didn't want them to know. But okay. Apparently they were just like "she's done stuff like that before". I would like to say, okay. But that really really hurts. I didn't want them to know, in case they would be upset by it. And I told myself not to think that, remember they said they didn't care. But I still deep down thought that they would. And now here I am trying to pretend to myself it's what I expected. But ow ow ow ow ow.
Hah. I want to sleep. I want to do work. I think, I'm picking up the "i need to be perfect" attitude, which is never healthy, but coupled with how i don't ever put in even any effort, that downright fucking sucks. Whyyy am I so unmotivated.
There are a thousand thoughts jumbled in my mind. Things counsellor has told me, things Amanda has said, things Sam Lane has said, neverending memories of Jake, and fearful, tentative hope for Sacha and Bec, worrying about what did happen, resentful of misunderstandings, not to mention Kylie hah, curious about where Ben heard what he heard,
seeing Zoe today and how that just wasn't as great as I thought it would be. Time alters how you remember people, you improve the ones you like, in your memory. Zoe is great but truly relate to everything I or Shazz says, sorry but no. It wasn't what I wanted, nor what I expected. It was nice, but frustrating. Empty. It shouldn't have been.
I've grown really apart from Shazz. We were so close, last year and first term this year during Youth Opps. I don't know what happened, a natural part of life, I guess. But, dude. I guess since we hadn't spent heaps of time together I hadn't noticed so pointedly as I have lately, these past couple of weeks. We've been together so much, and I don't know, it's not the same. We used to think the same, feel the same. It's different now. It's not that I don't trust her, but since I've realised that some of the more emotionally charged things I say to her is going to be fed through to teachers, well I dunno about now, but it was, I'm even more determined to remain on guard. Over the holidays I have lost a lot of trust in people. I am struggling to keep that, I do not want to turn out like my mum. Especially having a massive lecture to her about it, about how you need to rely on other people, how people need community, we were built to interact with one another, trust people, open up to people, not let bad experiences, betrayals, leave you bitter; but still keep that faith, that ability to trust. And definitely not, to not trust anyone, to try and keep things under wraps.
If I overdose on painkillers, I will tell who I want. Do not try to hide it, don't try to stop me from telling people, who I want to I shall, and accept that. You can't just hide these things away. Stop pretending mum! Not that you would pretend within the immediate family, only present that perfect facade to the outside world, at all costs. And honestly, what is the point? Oh I don't need to tell other people, I've got your dad, I've got God, to talk to; well that's all well and good, but God made us to have other people to rely on also! God works through a number of ways, he sends his comfort and advice to other people. Through church, can you not make friends that you can trust? How can you be oh so bitter? To trust people, is, yes, to risk pain, but without risks, what is life? And lol "no pain no gain". You risk that chance of being hurt terribly, but you also stand to gain an enormous amount of help and just wonderful relationships with other people.
I'm a very people orientated person, a community orientated person. I believe that people need each other. We do. Shazz, you may disagree, but I still say, you can only live life to the fullest, if living in this world and not wholly and utterly isolated; you will come across problems, and difficulties, and you need people to help you through that. Knowing you can rely on someone is a wonderful thing. Reassuring.
Mmm my mum is missing out. Sadface.
I would say I'm a fairly good judge of character, I do trust people within a short amount of time, but rarely thus far have I been wrong. Unless we want to start on boys, but that was mainly David, and there is good to David. If you can get past all that outer stuff, and if you can see the genuine, caring, loving Dave, you would fall in love with him. It's not something very many people get to see, or if they do, not for long. It's his fear of getting hurt that makes him distance himself from people he becomes close to, within a short amount of time. I miss that, that Dave I love. The other, dickhead one, he has his moments, but nothing so endearing. The gentleman one. Oh. It breaks my heart that not all that many people get to see that side. I still wonder, is that side actually just a lie he made up? I can't even tell anymore, but I want to believe the best in everyone and I choose to believe that part of him is real.
Shazz, I listen, and understand, but I tend to have more positive views I guess. I always have, but then I'm still the one who ended up in hospital for overdosing, not being allowed to go to school, losing my best friends, hurting myself way more, not working at school, with a not so great relationship with my parents, forcibly depriving myself of sleep;
I mean, for all my positive tipped thoughts, it's not really having that much of a positive effect on life. I also think the best of people. I refuse to accept that Ingham is a jerk, or Shazz, that you are a fuck up, simply because neither is true. I am incredibly empathetic and I cannot be angry at Ingham. If I distance myself I can, but I choose not to. Ms George, I did, and thus am still angry about. I understand why you're angry at Ingham but I understand the reasons for the way he has reacted.
Another thing, yeah I have noticed I am empathetic, yes, and I pick up other people's emotions and they influence mine easily, but I know that if I want, I can just completely switch it off, go into stony, cold Toivoa. That worries me, I've done it a little, but I don't want to have the capability of being that icy person. Because I know it isn't good. I never wanting to lose feelings. At least if I'm hurting, I know that I'm alive.
Not that that last line has relevance in context, it's just that I don't want to stop feeling. Being numb is a fear of mine. Like losing the people I love. Ohhh you did real well there Toivoa.
Mmmm rambling, rambling, this is a really long blog. it's completely incoherent, and shazz, I am sorry if any of this is offensive. It's not meant to be. it's merely observations. I admire you for your perseverance, your strength, your fighting for so long, I am so proud of how hard you are working. Don't give up darling, you're doing better than you know.
I think I have a slight girl crush on Lynley. Like, not like I actual like her, but there is definite "If I was a guy" thinking hah. :| Dear god.
In other news, my Friday night absolutely kicked ass. It was so good man. I loved it (:
Mmmmmlalalammmlalala. I'm hell tired. It's only 11:33.
i want random people to read my blog and subscribe lol. that would be awesome.
xx
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