"Christmas time is buzzing in my skull"

Will it let me be?
I cannot tell."

So I love the Nightmare Before Christmas. And before I had the chance to blog about this much celebrated holiday, Christmas is upon us.

"There are so many things I cannot grasp
When I think I've got, and then at last
Through my bony fingers it does slip
Like a snowflake in a fiery grip"

As I have mentioned before, I am a member of a Christian family. Even practically all of my extended family are Catholics. When I say practically all, I mean there is literally one and he's married into the family, who is a non practicing Hindu. This, then, is the reason so many are surprised that we barely celebrate Christmas.

My parents will give my sister and I gifts, yes, but barely. It is more often than not in the form of money, which doesn't make for the most interesting of presents, although I can always do some more. What other presents we received were almost invariably actually given to us post-Christmas, thanks to the mid-financial year sales. Smart, yes. The only reason we actually do get presents is so "we don't feel left out". At least, this is what my parents used to tell others.
We also go look at Christmas lights, but that's about it.

The reason we don't celebrate Christmas is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. When missionaries first came to some large country, or possibly Europe; yeah I'm not too sure; anyhow the native people had lots of celebrations for their gods; the missionaries, not wanting converts to feel left out and become dissatisfied with Christianity, decided to designate this day as Christmas, "the birth of Jesus". And no one really knows which date Jesus actually was born on. So according to my parents, it's stupid to celebrate because of its origins. By my reasoning, it doesn't matter what the origins are, what matters is what it means to you as you celebrate it. For all the non Christians who celebrate Christmas, its a good time to spend with family and give each other gifts, and be joyful and all that jazz. In the same way, it can be to truly celebrate Christ's birth if we so wish.

One thing about me, I love traditions. I love the idea of heirlooms and I have tried to construct family trees, I love old things that continue on. I love the idea of Christmas, the festive spirit, although we all know it has been completely commercialised, but as I said before, I believe that its what you make it. Not even necessarily the idea of Santa; I never believed in Santa Claus either by the way. Not sure I'd want to, you'd be so disappointed when you find out he isn't real lol. And I'm not too keen in believing in something that isn't real. But Christmas in general seems like such a fun idea.

When I have my own family, we will celebrate Christmas. I determined this a long time ago. We will put up a tree and decorate it, and lights around the front of the house. Our family has put up a Christmas tree once during my life.

Another thing. My parents actually used to celebrate Christmas, when they were Catholics. When they became Christians, it was to become part of what some would call a "legalistic" church, that is, they wanted to abide by every possible law in the Bible, so it was very strict; they believed that women shouldn't really wear pants due to a Biblical passage stating that women shouldn't wear men's clothing; although my mum, my sister and I still did, but not to church. So that is where this idea came from. We have changed churches now, although there was actually much to admire about the beliefs of this former church of ours, but there is time for that in another post.

So anyhow, I hate that we don't really celebrate Christmas. I think my parents have finally begun to grasp that, although my mum worked this Christmas morning and the last one too; my mum encouraged my dad to take us out to The Pancake Kitchen for breakfast this morning, and we're having turkey for dinner, even though my mum thinks it is bland and disgusting ;P
Indians and all their spices >.<

I wouldn't mind celebrating Christmas the Indian way actually. It's amazing. Most people live in lanes or apartments in very small estates or apartments in Pune, where my family is from. Around Christmas, they hang huuuuge Christmas stars and other decorations right across the lanes and in the estates. There are Nativity scenes just as big placed around. Motorbikes and / or scooters are the preferred method of travel rather than cars in the city. So these things are so large they are practically fully blocking the streets and bikes can only just get through. They have Christmas shows in these lanes and almost everyone who lives in the lane or the estate, whichever, will participate. And there are fireworks, of course. There are so many people, everywhere. People sell fancy balloons by the road side, which admittedly happens most days of the year anyway. Beforehand, for weeks, people make handmade Indian sweets of all shapes and colours. /shrugs
It's good.

My surprise which I mentioned briefly the other day is that I finally got my Learner's. If you're not Australian, or South Australian, that's for driving, which you have to pass a theory test for. You have to do 50 hours of driving and hold it for a minimum of 6 months. During this time you can only drive with someone with their full license next to you in the passenger seat. You need to have a certain amount of lessons with a driving instructor also. After this, you can get your P1's. This is your provisional license, where you display P plates on your car, but can drive without a fully licensed person. After this, you can get your P2's, where you can take your P plates off, and after I don't know how long of this, you can eventually get your full license.
I failed the test the first time I went for it on my 16th in June, I got really confused on the give ways lol. So it took me this long to go back for the test, since I was so scared I'd fail it again. (You have to get all the give way questions correct, which is the first part of the test. The next is a bunch of multiple choice questions which you need to get 32 out of 40-something correct) But I only got one question wrong on the multiple choice this time C: I'm happy. I've already been driving a bit, I drove on the roads straightaway lol. I have driven before, but not on roads that are used by anyone else and not since last year. But it's fun (:

And I don't think my parents are so opposed to celebrating Christmas anymore, Mum is thinking of buying ornaments after Christmas for next year, and saying we could put our tree up next year, we still have our old one in the garage somewhere. I just find it sad that I missed Christmas properly, all these years. I would have loved to experience the excitement of waking up on Christmas morning, opening gifts that we had all given each other, spending the day together, having fun and doing family things. Although, we did a lot of family stuff when we were little. But the anticipation in a present being a surprise; it's been a long time since I've felt that. For years I've always known exactly what I was getting for my birthday or Christmas, have even been there when its been bought. In a way, it's good, it ensures that I will like it; but it doesn't have quite the same feeling...

That said, I think too much emphasis is placed on gifts with Christmas these days. Like I mentioned before, Christmas has been commercialised. Retailers place importance on how you need to get presents for other people, need to buy all this new stuff. The stress of this can make Christmas completely worthless. If you feel like you need to get someone else a present because they are getting you one, that is missing the point. You should be giving gifts in love, because you care about the person, and want to express it.

Mmm anyway, I'm done for now, may come back and add to this later, but as you can see, my thoughts are scattered and not well put into words. I need some more sleep. Ah well.

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AWWW this is cute! (:

found it on someone else's blog


There IS a "Secret Santa." Perhaps you've heard of him. I got an email from him last year after I shared the following story.

This real guy walked into the local thrift store and stepped in front of a fella who tried his best to move out of the way. "I'm Secret Santa and I want you to have this," the stranger said as he handed his victim 2 hundred-dollar bills. "Merry Christmas!"

This anonymous Santa is a businessman from Kansas City. His plan is to cross the country, going into dozens of thrift stores, laundromats and bus stations, and walk up to hundreds of strangers who seem like they could use a Franklin or two and light up their lives.

By Christmas this stranger will have given out $75,000. "Is this for real?" the victim asked. "It's for real, buddy," Santa said. "And I can keep it?" "It's yours and you can keep it." "God bless you. I was down to my last 20 cents."

The current Secret Santa made a promise to Mr. Stewart, the original Secret Santa, that he would keep the Santa thing alive. Mr. Stewart had invested the last 25 years of his life giving away more than a million dollars -- one Franklin at a time.

I think there really is a secret Santa in each of us -- it's just a matter of letting him out. God put the spirit of giving in us long before anyone heard of Santa.

Inspiration

Larry had been out of work for months, and in early October his home went into foreclosure. He withdrew $300 from an ATM to use as a deposit on a rent house and put the ATM receipt in his shirt pocket.

With everything happening around him, he forgot the withdrawal. A couple weeks later the bank sent a letter reporting over $1000 in bounced checks along with the NSF fees charged by the bank.

Embarrassed by it all, Larry and his wife kept it to themselves. Both took on part-time jobs. And with Christmas just around the corner, they decided this year would be something small for the girls and nothing for each other. They felt alone and powerless.

It was their secret.

Then in mid December Larry found a $400 check in his church mailbox with a note, "From Your Friends. Merry Christmas."

"To this day, we don't know ..."

A couple weeks later, on Christmas Eve, the family was watching TV when the doorbell rang. Outside on the porch they found sacks of groceries, a complete Christmas dinner, dresses for the girls, and a shirt and tie for Larry. "To this day," Larry says, "we don't know who made 3 dresses, and gave us so much at Christmas. It was a defining moment when God reminded us that HE provides."

Motivation

You don't have to have a million dollars to be a blessing to others. But it would be a great secret calling. There are people all around us who need a bite to eat, a cup of coffee, a smile, a conversation, a kind word, a blessing, a prayer, a gentle lift. Do you see them? You've still got time.

You have something very valuable inside you ... a treasure ... the calling to make a difference in someone this week. God has put it on you ... to give to someone in secret.

Don't waste your time wishing for Santa to come to your house, make a secret trip to a house that needs what you have. Ask God to put you in the path of just the right person this week, the one who needs a visit from secret Santa and then discover the joy of the secret.

Don't just wish it, do it.

---------
(c) 2008 FaithFitness and Ron Rose

http://www.heartlight.org/

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'"Global" is not a nice idea. Global is reality.'

A somewhat cynical look at society, along with more self-analysis, and something like hope... All in all, another long-winded look at several different things all mushed into one, by yours truly ;)

Please, read this. Or at least, parts of it. The latter end of it, before the song lyrics. Which are rather poignant also... But I want to make a point. I truly believe this is more than just Larissa ramble. I may stray from what I'm trying to say but I think it is at least worth considering, this matter of love and its power...

And I'm sorry it's quite so long.

~

I am sick of the way I have been letting the world get to me again. I refuse to let you do this to me. You will not turn me into a person with the characteristics that I despise, as subtly as you influence me. I notice. And I'm not going to stand for it. I am a stronger person than that. And look at that, that I can say that I am a strong person. That's a step. I could never say that before. It wouldn't have been true either. But you know what, I am. In some ways, and some times. I am weak and broken and want to avoid responsibility, I fall down and I get down so easily, I base my life upon other people, I crave assurance that I am loved and needed; I know most of my flaws, I'd think. But I have become a stronger person, over, I don't know how long. I guess it's a process that's been happening slowly in amongst everything that has happened in my life. Sometimes put on hold, sometimes sent into reverse, but still happening.

So what I hate now is how I am buying into that selfishness that our society and mankind promotes and that the majority seem to live by. I tend to get so caught up in my own problems, so tired out by them, that I do not find the energy to put the effort into others' sadness. Reading your blogs, I see your unhappiness, I have been shying away from trying to comfort you, trying to save my strength for myself when I feel weak. Reaching out and expending that energy seems a painful, horribly strenuous task. I have not been showing true love in this way.

I have been so impatient lately, I have been being a bitch. You will have noticed, some of you. I have been harsh with my words lately, then feel guilty and cover it up by laughing, pretending to be joking, when really, I meant to be as cutting as I came across, but then horrified at it in reality. Another flaw of mine - that I do tend to cover up [it's 11.11, make a wish] when I feel bad over doing something wrong, when someone asks me if I knew something, it has become something of an automatic response in some situations to automatically reply with yes, I don't consciously think I need to know everything, but I guess on a subconscious level I have been thinking that I don't like other people knowing more than me, being better than me. I guess, in part, it stems from this Ignite thing. How Catherine and the others stuck with Ignite maths, while I dropped to co-Ignite in year 8... and especially when they accelerated into year 11, and now doing year 12. Their "we never need to do any more maths", I guess subconsciously it makes me feel stupid, I have accelerated in English, yes, but so have they. They are special and smart and I am not. Or at least not as much as them.

I hate when I can't understand something and then another person will say how easy it is. Oft it is not even in response, they won't know I am struggling and will be like, oh this is so easy, give us something harder. And inside, I am ashamed that I am not finding it so easy. Everyone has different strengths. I know that. But I want to be good, at the things I think I should be. Because I hate being not good enough.

Sport. I know the humiliation of always being one of the last picked for a team because of how bad I am. I want to be as good as average, as others, or maybe even better. Because, face it, everyone feels proud of themselves when they can help others with something. Like when I understand a maths concept and can explain it to someone else, especially since I have struggled so much with Maths this year. It's like, I am finally getting something right! I don't think this is a bad thing, it is a factor in motivation.

I don't feel like I need to compare myself to others. But subconsciously I guess I still do. This is all obviously tied back to my needed to feel loved. I need to feel worthy of that. I need to prove to myself that I am equal to other people. So that other people will like me, need me. I need to be needed. I crave attention so badly, and I hate that, I repress it. It comes out in bad ways. Not attention in a loud way, but I do need constant reassurances. I'm not so bad these days, but still.

Hah the topic of perfection is now running through my head. I said I didn't feel the need to be perfect. I guess, I can isolate these voices inside me, ignore them. I know they are ridiculous. I do it well. It doesn't affect me. Although I guess, I have just shown that they do, indeed. But on a subconscious level.

I don't hold it against these other people, that they are better at it than me. I accept that I have my own strengths, and I get past it. I think I do pretty well with it, I don't try to compete with them. That said, I am fairly competitive with little, stupid things. Like getting more plays on an artist than another person who also listens to them, as though I can tell myself I like the band more. It's stupid. But I guess I satisfy that there, which is better than with the more significant things. /shrugs

Aghhhh I am so bad with tangents... /tries to find original point trying to present

Ahkay. So my behaviour lately. Yes. I am ashamed of it. I admit that. So, I apologise. I have been snappy. You will have noticed, the Fall Out Boy thing. I'm not even going to analyse my reasons for that. Tangent. lol. Buuut, just quickly, I'm a little jealous of how Shazz and Catherine have become so close. They do everything together. I swear, I never used to get jealous. Literally, never. This year is when that started. I really dislike it. Jealousy is a horrible, twisted, vengeful thing. It really is. I squash any I may have, but I hate the feeling. I hate having it swirl in my gut, black and sullen, like some foul beast.

Another thing, briefly. I want my friends, I want most of them to have me as their closest friend. Regardless of how close I am to them, I want them to be able to confide in me, to talk to me, about practically everything. Friends confiding in me is another reassurance thing. I realise this is unrealistic to want. Another of my serious flaws. Another that I try to conceal. Forgive me for this also, I beg you. I do not want this from you, not really, I long for it. Another thing I suppress. It shames me. So much. That I need these things. I am so needy. So dependent on others. I keep myself stronger than that, I don't try to get this wish of mine. I keep it under control.

Jealousy. I define jealousy as something that is where you want what another has, or want something you can't have, and wish that  you could have it instead of whoever does have it, at practically any cost. And would actually do something to get it. It is selfishness, of course. Of course, I have wanted what another has, everyone does, it is human nature. But never in such a way that I would have it in place of the other person, I would just be like oh I wish I had that thing/opportunity, etc. Eg. Simple Plan concert, when I really liked them. When Catherine and others went, I was so happy for them. I wished I could go, but I didn't begrudge them that, I was excited that they could go and happy for them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want Catherine and Shazz to not be close, I just want the same thing, for myself. And I wish I was in on their friendship. And I hate hate hate that I don't. I want to get, even if I don't give as much. Ehhh.

Feel privileged LOL. I am being open about things I hate to admit even to myself. Some of these things you would have already known for yourself, but still for me to talk about it like it exists, it is breaking a taboo I have subconsciously set.

Aghhhhh topic.

If you hadn't noticed, the world we live in, is a very selfish one. Look at the business sector. We are taught that we have to be better than others, to get the best pay, to do the best for ourselves. Helping others out doesn't have much of a place in business. This spreads to many other areas of life. We have bought into "myself first". Sure, occasionally, we'll sacrifice our comfort for others, 40 hour famine anyone? But are these things, these ideas, more novelties than anything else? So we can deprive ourselves and raise money and then satisfy our consciences that we have helped people in need, and go on enjoying our creature comforts, not considering these people till the next thing? And of course, it looks good. Helping people, giving up food for 40 hours, doing this and that, getting involved; "oh how considerate you are". We all care what other people think, and this does look good. Perhaps I am being far too cynical here. Of course, we do these things with good intentions. Don't mistake me in that. These things are well and good. But if we really cared, we could do so much more.

I am ashamed to admit, when I was younger, I would donate money that I got, before I had pocket money, the Christmas and birthday money I got, I spent so much of it donating it to various charities, along with my sister. As I have grown older, I now have pocket money, and yet, it has been a long long time since I have just donated money. When a cause comes along, yes. But out of the blue, no. Sometimes I think, I will. But then, oh, those new shoes, that dress, that new album; my materialism brings me to spend my money on that. And then, I have nothing left to donate. I never have any money. I spend it as fast as I get it, faster, even. I want so much. But in the end, what am I spending this money on? Anything worthwhile? I don't even recall what I spend the money on half the time. And all too soon, the items that I buy seem outdated, and I am complaining about not having enough music, or running around the house moaning about how "I have no clothes".

I distance myself from the terrible events we see happening around the world. Oh, the starving children in Africa, the Christians being persecuted in India, "it's so sad, isn't it?" The moment of due sympathy felt, "we're so lucky to live in Australia, we have such fortunate lives, all the more reason to appreciate this life we have", returns to MySpace surveys and comedic YouTube videos, none of which has any purpose or value. Still dissatisfied with our lives, still searching for fulfillment, still not truly appreciative of how lucky we really are. I speak for myself but I have the feeling I am not alone in this...

Advertising purposely addresses the consumer specifically, using key phrases such as "you will love this". Appealing to our selfishness, our desires, our wants for ourselves. Even "make your loved one happy this Christmas", one can see how that will relate to one's own happiness. What of it satisfies? New things are always fun, but the novelty wears off in time, there's always something newer, there's always something else. Are we looking for completion in the wrong places?

Am I being too cynical? It is what I see.

I have given into this way of thinking, and that shames me. That I care more about a pair of new shoes than trying to help out people who are starving to death whom I could help with my money for a mere fraction of the cost of those shoes. Especially when these people don't have to be dying. How easily we could solve world problems if everyone co operated and worked together for the good of each other, not just ourselves and our immediate world around us... Or do you say I am too idealistic? [Maybe a little idealism is better than cynicism, better than seeing the negative aspects in everything. Maybe having that little belief in things being better, maybe that idealism will actually lead to something that is ever so real.]

How did our society turn into something like this? I have numbed my conscience too long, and now this is spreading even to my close friends. It is easy to forget the things that are out of sight, in different countries and places and situations, so far away. But when it gets to the point that I cannot even find it within me to extend sympathy and help to my friends in need, the ones who I can see suffering, that makes me sick to my stomach and so, so ashamed.

I want to care about the things that matter. I don't want to lose sight of the most important thing. People are the most important thing, and love is the most important tool we have. If everyone looked out for each other, can you imagine what things would be like? Of course, this isn't likely, people are selfish and people are broken and people make mistakes. But even a little love, just one person loving as hard as they can, caring for others, that helps heal some of those wounds... Love can do so much. Love can change the world. So can one person. I believe this so completely. "A single raindrop raises the sea". Or something like that. Thanks Dinotopia. Every little action adds to a movement. "Believe your voice can mean something."

Just after the cyclone in Burma and earthquakes in China, Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love on Her Arms wrote this -

"It's easy to believe that are own problems are the only problems in the world. It feels true at times. Maybe a lot of the time. But the better thing might be to believe that we are one. My friend Chris leads a network of communities serving among the poorest people in the world. His team work to be living solutions in the most broken places on Earth. Our team had the privilege of spending two days with Chris last week - he was here speaking into the work we're doing, and helping us get organized. There was something special in a word that Chris kept using, something important. He calls the people who live in the broken places "friends". He says this because he's been there, and he's looked them in the eyes. He knows their names. But i think he says it also to remember. To say that we're the same....

This blog is being typed inside the borders of the richest country in the world, in an apartment with air conditioning, electricity, and cable television. There is a fresh pizza in the refrigerator, and plenty of water to drink. i am a fool if i forget the others tonight. The Atlantic blocks their voices, but they are certainly out there, as real as the air in my lungs. The many with less. The many in mourning and the many in need. In need of food or clean water or shelter. And maybe they sound the same in this: That they might also be people with broken hearts, people stuck in moments. In need of hope, in need of community. Remember them tonight. And find yourself in the process.
"Global" is not a nice idea. Global is reality. Let's be the generation that realizes this."

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"I'm thinking about other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things for bettering
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all is fine in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have so many things

Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your things
Yeah we all so many things
And I can get past these things..."

[The Rocket Summer]

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