Tell me.
Earlier today, while it was still the 25th of June in America where it happened, Michael Jackson died.
And, I get that he changed pop forever, sure! I was way tripped out when I found out that he died this morning, but just because you never think about these things.
I'm not trying to be insensitive, uncaring, or rude. But I don't get it.
I don't get how people cry for these people... They are NO BETTER than other people! Every day millions of people die who we don't know, and live through hell. Barely any one stops to think about that or shed a tear for that, yet just because this guy made good music, was made into a celebrity, doesn't make him any more valuable, and yet he is mourned the world over.
He's just another person! It's sad that he died but why would I cry over it? Why would I think, "Oh, the world has lost an amazing person"?
Every single person is amazing, valuable. Equally. Fame does not add to or take away from that.
So why would I mourn the death of one in a million people who also died today, none of whom I know? I feel sympathy towards his family, sure. Because I know about it. But think about it. Today, millions, millions of families are grieving over the death of their loved ones. You heard about some of those. You feel bad when a family member of a friend dies. But you feel sad because of their sadness. You empathise. Because of their grief! And perhaps you even cry over it.
But, celebrities. Unless you know them or know someone who knows them, how can you feel so much for them? Why not feel for the others who have died today? How many times have we watched tragedies on the news, yet due to the distance, feel sad and not much more? It's not personal, it's not happening to us... It's not even that we would think this consciously, but rather that it is hard to feel something so far removed from us.
We are not involved in celebrities' lives, yet it becomes easy to think we know them well when we read and hear all about them constantly. They are still just ordinary people, like us.
It's heart breaking that he is dead. But not for us, I don't understand how it could be for us. He's not someone we love as a friend or family member, someone we have a relationship with. He's someone we know about.
We hear about people dying in poverty, children dying in poverty. It's become something so common that most of us barely even bat an eyelid over it. We may think that we're privileged and as such, our duty to help these people out, so we donate some money. But do we really feel for them? Honestly?
And as for this matter of respect. Just because it's the day MJ died, doesn't mean you should be respectful. If you're going to be respectful, then be respectful full stop. When the person is alive, which honestly, is what matters.
If you're gonna talk shit about the person when they're alive, do it when they're dying, do it when they're dead. Do not like decide to be nice about someone because they've died, that's ridiculous, how does that help them when they're dead??? That is ridiculous. It is hypocritical. Be nice to them when they are alive. It's too late to regret it or try to be nice about them when they are gone.
I need to be nicer to a lot of people. I fully admit that.
And I think you should keep your negative opinions about a person to yourself, especially when they have died and their loved ones are grieving. That's the least a decent person could do. But realistically, it's so much more valuable to do when they are alive.
Every person's death should be felt with as much grief as some are feeling for Michael Jackson's right now.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Why is He More Important Than Anyone Else?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The Jimit Post
Yes, Jimit is a name. A person's name. No, it isn't Indian. I have no idea from whence it has been derived... I don't know if he does either.
So here are the essential details about the one Indian friend, sometimes more, in my life.
It's crazy to think that we are the good friends we are now, considering our history, and even how we met in the first place. My crazy best friend, his girlfriend at the time. Funny how later she urged us to get together and still speculates about us one day getting married and having kids together. Thanks but no thanks Michelle.
We got along so well the first time we met, after much talking via MySpace, but then didn't see each other for another three months because of certain other crap that was going on, but thank God we sorted that out. Even so, we didn't see each other much, due to his being in Year 12 and us both having to lie about who we were with when meeting up thanks to our parents' rules against dating. We were friends that hooked up for a long time before we began to like each other and were unofficially together for a few months late last year, much to Michelle's excitement.
We've shared a lot of embarrassing moments and I never go long without laughing when I'm with Jimit, from our misunderstandings of each other to all those mortifying movie incidents. I don't think I insult any other of my friends as much either, but it's all in good fun, and I did plan his birthday party for him, right down to the date and decorations. I "explain all the technical stuff" to him that everyone already knows, like how to lurk MySpace comments when people have chosen to hide theirs.
There have been times where we would be in contact in some form for every waking hour, for weeks, and times in between where we don't speak at all. We've had pretty much the craziest friendship ever, and even though it's very casual, he knows some pretty important stuff about me and still hasn't judged me for it. We have the same views on relationships and many other things, and I can't explain how good it is to know Jimit. Especially now, talking for hours every other night on the phone, which helps both of us sleep better. Almost none of my other friends are up for conversation at random hours of the night, and would spend money on me for it. Even fewer would be willing to be woken up by me calling, which he is surprisingly fine with.
I never thought I'd be friends with an Indian! Since my parents are both Indian, although I was born and have been brought up in Australia and consider myself to be Australian, I don't like the idea of associating with Indian people for the most part, mainly because I don't want others to think I am one of those cultural snobs who move to another country but seclude themselves and keep only amongst people from their former country. Yes, I care too much about other people. I also prefer Australians, culture-wise, etc. Indians think and live so differently to Australians/Americans/the English, and while I am fine with that, they're just not people I want to spend a heap of time with. But since Jimit moved here when he was one and is now eighteen (as of today), he's as Australian as I, even though I have (proudly!) been Australian from birth. And so I have made an exception to both my casual standard thought of not-really-being-friends-with-Indians and my absolute rule of never-being-with-an-Indian-EVER, because, like I said, he doesn't really count, and he's pretty damn awesome. :) :) :)
P.S. Happy 18th ;)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Shop Till You Drop
or, I Feel Slightly Derro Because It Took Till My Jeans Wore Through Before My Mum Would Take Me Shopping
My mum took me shopping at the mall today for an hour and a half before she went to work, because, let's face it, I really needed new jeans. You'd be crazy to deny me that. I'm also low in numbers when it comes to bras, and just, clothing in general. My mother has been convinced that she "bought me clothes only recently" for the past year... Just like she's been saying that she and Dad moved to Australia from India "fourteen years ago" for the past four years.
So anyway, in my unending complaints about the fate of my jeans over the last few days, I've been informed that this happens to many people. So it wasn't, as I was worrying, that my legs are huuuuge and thus caused this to occur. Also take into consideration that I wore these near constantly. So, the wearing out justified, I was all good to search for some more. The problem is, it took me a very long time to find these jeans. I'd wanted black skinny's for ages but every pair I tried on made my legs look fat. It was the jeans, of course. Not my legs...
So, after finally finding the perfect jeans that were now torn beyond repair, I was somewhat nervous to look for some black jeans once more. If I seeked suck? sucked..? oh fuck it: searched, would I find? (Although come to think of it, I really do suck.) It was a question that desperately needed an answer.
It was of some urgency, too, since at school we must wear black pants, and I'm not willing to wear proper school pants, nor trackies. I look utterly slightly ridiculous in both. Anyway, I found a pair pretty much straight off the bat.
It is true, I use nearly every cliche in the book. Even that was a cliche. Was it not? (I wanted to use a cliche just then so it would be funny, but... I kinda really fail at life, like, a lot, so please insert one here)
I wasn't sure about the jeans after trying them on, though, and so, this is the conversation that followed.
Toivoa: "Do these jeans make my legs look fat?"
Toivoa's Mum: "Your legs are fat."
Toivoa: Should have seen that coming. "Be that as it may, does it make my legs look fat? My other jeans didn't."
TM: "That's what you think."
Toivoa: How is my self esteem even as high as it is? "Um. Regardless. Do my legs look fat in these jeans???"
TM: "Just get them..."
"You need to exercise. You eat so much junk."
Toivoa: BAH! (I have good mental comebacks. I copyrighted that one, but you can use it if you want. You're welcome.)
These jeans are really tight. When I put my jeans on, I end up doing this dance in which to get my legs through my jeans because it happens to be more interesting than, well, however ordinary people put their pants on. I kick my legs outward like I'm trying to Irish dance like a Leprechaun, or something.
What can I say? I exude awesome. So much awesome my pants can't contain it. (Which is why my previous jeans tore and these ones are so tight... No? No? Fine.)
I should stop that train of thought.
I do often fall over during this process. Come to think of it, I fall over often full stop. Today, while walking in my jeans and wearing heels, I caught one heel in the folded bottom of my other pant leg and fell onto the couch. My sister and her friend were amused. Charming and graceful.
So, due to the tightness, it takes five minutes to do the fly up. Okay, that's a lie. It does, however, take longer than doing up one's fly ever should. That much is true. I don't really do much to support my "my legs aren't fat" argument, do I?
Although here, my hips are the problem. Okay, so I may as well be screaming, "Hey, it's not just my legs that are fat, but my hips and probably the rest of me too!", but I've never been one to refrain from saying something because it will shoot down my own argument... I'm sorry? Me, illogical and somewhat lacking in brain cells?
... yeah, that sounds about right.
However, I did get the jeans! Then began bra hunting. But I'll leave that for tomorrow...
P.S. On a completely different note (and sorry about this), the shocking state of our world never ceases to horrify me. I can't quite comprehend how a person could reach this point in life. Committing suicide is a horrible enough thing, but deciding to take other people with you, innocent people who you do not even know, who have nothing to do with your situation; that bewilders and sickens me. It makes me so sad.
EDIT (11.53PM): And on another note entirely, I still freaking like Chris. A lot. Can someone tell him that? Since he doesn't seem to know and I don't even see him or get to talk to him, really... I'm so confused!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
What the crap?
What is up with noodles these days? Yes, I did a noodle post not all that long ago, but come on people! The issues that noodles bring are endless. Let's consider my current problem.
I am, as I type, in the process of trying to enjoy eating two minute cup noodles, in a "super big" and "mega" size. 100 grams, in fact. These super-sized noodle cups can be a great source of messy delight, but when in a flavour called "Smokin' ribs"? Even before opening it, smelling it, let alone eating these noodles; that flavour does not bode well for your tastebuds. It was sitting on the kitchen bench top as I arrived home, and I was invited by my mum to eat it, which I gladly went to do. Until I saw the flavour.
Smokin' ribs??
Just for a start, the apostrophe replacing the simple "g" implies a "tryhard-ness". Is it really that hard to say "Smoking"? Really? I know, Australians are lazy with grammar, spelling, and the like. But, even we are not necessarily that slack. So what are they trying to compensate for..?
And for the love of god, what has happened to the simple flavours we grew up with, beef, chicken, oriental; and those more daring, like chicken and mushroom? I know I've missed something major, forgive me.
Thankfully, we have not lost these classics yet (touch wood), but the influx of new, fancy flavours on the market, and not just among noodles, is something that disturbs and irritates me. We have enough choices to make in life already. Why make it harder for us who only want easy, quick foods? Is not my generation indecisive enough already??? I dread the thought of what today's toddlers will grow up to be like...
And as for McDonald's... Happy Meals used to be simple. You decided between chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger, the flavour of soft drink, and possibly the toy. And now. SO MANY CHOICES. There's the orange juice, soft drink, apple juice, and whatever other options there are for a drink; and then there are choices of apple pieces and God only knows what. It saddens my heart, my wonderful mega fast food chains who destroy people's livelihoods and nature and most things to bring us those lovely greasy fries, so well symbolised by your hallowed golden arches. Please consider slightly more. We do not come to you for healthy options. That we go to Subway for. And while Hungry Jacks and KFC also have their hold on us, nothing compares to Macca's with your beef patties that are best eaten without being seen.
I think it is now time for me to quote some lines from one of my favourite (and possibly one of the most random) books ever,
"I am Ronald,
of Mordor,
the Mage, the
Destroyer.
Taste the scorched fruit
inside my pies.
Chew the bitter towelette
of truth.
Die, you seedy little elves
who refuse to accept any
new menu items added
after 1975.
I scorch your loins with
coffee that sears like a
molten steel patty
flipper.
I smash your bones on
rocks of ice churned by
spews of cola.
I till your soil, steal your
potatoes, circumcise
their skins, cook
them in tallow
and tell you
they're vegan.
I shall castrate your
bulls, rendering them more
juicy and docile,
and I shall salt them with
hormones, making them
girly-cows.
You shall wander the
wastelands in search of fishwiches fallen from
the sky, frozen and plump
with weevils and sauce
of fiercest tartar.
My face is stripped of
pancake makeup,
staring at the sun,
burning, awaiting
balloons and a helium
canister that will never
arrive.
You ears shall hear only
the sound of a french-fry
computer that beeps
eternally.
You shall remain forever
parched with a
bottomless Styrofoam
drinking cup.
You, my imprisoned
sprite servants, I shall
deprive of both minimum
wage and nutrients.
My cooker writhes
with yellow frybabies
your lips shall
never taste.
I shall pierce your being
with shakes made of
ground bones, nay,
chalk.
You shall beg for death,
but instead shall receive
only laughter and
choking hazards
disguised as plastic toys.
In my costume of yellow
bib and coarse
enormous red feet, I will
smite you with burgers
laced with thorns.
Inside your bird nuggets
you will find razor
blades, rats and tumours.
The only real clown is a dead clown.
I ONLY MAKE YOU FAT SO THAT YOU'LL SIZZLE WHEN YOU BURN"
As you can see, it's incredibly strange. The book, "JPod" by Douglas Coupland, is obviously not everyone's cup of tea, but it is something I find highly amusing.
Anyway, apart from my divergance onto my inexplicable love for McDonald's, something that seems to afflict many teenagers; my original point is that weird flavours are a no-no for me.
My noodles taste terrible. Sigh.
And society complicates far too much.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"This love has taken its toll on me"
Why have I been awake since 5 AM? A dream. A dream so ridiculously realistic I (for the first time) didn't know where I was when I woke. I tried writing about it, but it didn't seem right. So I shall try again later.
Acceptance. I desperately, obviously, pathetically long for acceptance. I thought that was more of a particular need of mine, and the way I go about feeling wanted and needed is most certainly not common to everyone. However, I have been reading a book called "Soul Cravings" by Erwin Raphael McManus. It, essentially, looks at the three things that we as humans desire most, at the core of our beings, and attempt to find throughout life. It looks at our "quest for love, quest for destiny, and a quest for meaning". The part on love, at least, is brilliant.
I have skipped to "meaning" and it's not so great for now. But love. It's amazing how much of what has been writing in this section are ideas I have thought, expressed; or if not, resonated within me as something incredibly true. I have begun to understand just a little more of why I do the things I do.
I am an attention seeker. I know I am, however much I hate it. I don't ask for attention in entirely overt ways, but you can see it in the things I do. I don't want to ask for attention, as such, because that would be beside the point for me. Which point?
I have a desperate need to feel loved, wanted, needed. I hate how needy I am. But doesn't everyone need this, after all? Perhaps they don't feel it so consciously as I, but deep within us all, we desire others to value us. We need to be needed. It validates us. It makes our lives meaningful. Of course, there are other things that also give our lives meaning, and we can't live without meaning either; but relationships are a necessary part of humanity. You can deny it, but we are relational creatures.
We may turn our backs on this need, seek to isolate ourselves from everyone else, saying that we don't need anyone else. But why do we do this? Because we have been hurt by others. Which can only happen when we care about others, when we have relationships with others. When we feel the pain is too much to take, we can easily turn away. But turning away doesn't remove our need for others. We were made to be together, to interact, to love. There is an emptiness that comes from somewhere inside us, when there is something of love we are missing.
We abuse love, mistake love, throw away love, ignore and forget love; but at the end of the day, if we don't have love, what do we have?
"The great danger of giving up on love is that we begin to give in to hate. A place where there is no love is toxic to the soul.
When we love, we are moved toward forgiveness.When we allow hate to take over, we begin to live for vengeance."
A life lived in hatred is not my idea of life. It seems like a life where something essential has died, leaving a blackness, a deadness. Forgiveness is important to me. Not forgiveness in which we continue allow ourselves to be hurt. But forgiveness where we accept what another, or we, have done to ourselves or others, acknowledge the hurt, but let it go. It is one of the hardest things to accomplish, forgiving someone who has truly hurt us. And yet, one of the best things we can do in our lives. Sometimes forgiveness just doesn't come in one hit. And it's not always a one off act. You may need to forgive one act, one person, continually. Every minute, every hour, every day, you may wake up and have to forgive. Letting go of pain doesn't come about that easily. But in the end it is the best course to take.
Love is abused.
"Love isn't about volume. Love isn't about conquest. When we live like this [talking about "womanisers"], there's something deeper going on inside us that we're trying to ignore, even drown out. We are alone, disconnected, and deficient in love. Deep down inside we know we cannot fill the vacuum within our souls by consuming people. We are not only robbing others, we are pillaging our own souls.
Eventually it hits you: you cannot take love; you have to give it. Love is a gift that cannot be stolen".
We crave love, and I can see this in my own life, in the lives of people around me, in the writings of people I don't even know.
"How can you make sense of a person who moves from one relationship to another, making her body the object of another's pleasure of abuse, except to acknowledge the painful reality that human beings fear almost nothing more than being alone [On women in abusive relationships]?"
Love is an endless topic and I have much to say; the idea of such a mixture is somewhat terrifying, but it is 6.53 in the morning and I would like some sleep before church. So there will be a part two, I'm sure you're looking forward to it. ^_^ lol.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
"Christmas time is buzzing in my skull"
Will it let me be?
I cannot tell."
So I love the Nightmare Before Christmas. And before I had the chance to blog about this much celebrated holiday, Christmas is upon us.
"There are so many things I cannot grasp
When I think I've got, and then at last
Through my bony fingers it does slip
Like a snowflake in a fiery grip"
As I have mentioned before, I am a member of a Christian family. Even practically all of my extended family are Catholics. When I say practically all, I mean there is literally one and he's married into the family, who is a non practicing Hindu. This, then, is the reason so many are surprised that we barely celebrate Christmas.
My parents will give my sister and I gifts, yes, but barely. It is more often than not in the form of money, which doesn't make for the most interesting of presents, although I can always do some more. What other presents we received were almost invariably actually given to us post-Christmas, thanks to the mid-financial year sales. Smart, yes. The only reason we actually do get presents is so "we don't feel left out". At least, this is what my parents used to tell others.
We also go look at Christmas lights, but that's about it.
The reason we don't celebrate Christmas is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. When missionaries first came to some large country, or possibly Europe; yeah I'm not too sure; anyhow the native people had lots of celebrations for their gods; the missionaries, not wanting converts to feel left out and become dissatisfied with Christianity, decided to designate this day as Christmas, "the birth of Jesus". And no one really knows which date Jesus actually was born on. So according to my parents, it's stupid to celebrate because of its origins. By my reasoning, it doesn't matter what the origins are, what matters is what it means to you as you celebrate it. For all the non Christians who celebrate Christmas, its a good time to spend with family and give each other gifts, and be joyful and all that jazz. In the same way, it can be to truly celebrate Christ's birth if we so wish.
One thing about me, I love traditions. I love the idea of heirlooms and I have tried to construct family trees, I love old things that continue on. I love the idea of Christmas, the festive spirit, although we all know it has been completely commercialised, but as I said before, I believe that its what you make it. Not even necessarily the idea of Santa; I never believed in Santa Claus either by the way. Not sure I'd want to, you'd be so disappointed when you find out he isn't real lol. And I'm not too keen in believing in something that isn't real. But Christmas in general seems like such a fun idea.
When I have my own family, we will celebrate Christmas. I determined this a long time ago. We will put up a tree and decorate it, and lights around the front of the house. Our family has put up a Christmas tree once during my life.
Another thing. My parents actually used to celebrate Christmas, when they were Catholics. When they became Christians, it was to become part of what some would call a "legalistic" church, that is, they wanted to abide by every possible law in the Bible, so it was very strict; they believed that women shouldn't really wear pants due to a Biblical passage stating that women shouldn't wear men's clothing; although my mum, my sister and I still did, but not to church. So that is where this idea came from. We have changed churches now, although there was actually much to admire about the beliefs of this former church of ours, but there is time for that in another post.
So anyhow, I hate that we don't really celebrate Christmas. I think my parents have finally begun to grasp that, although my mum worked this Christmas morning and the last one too; my mum encouraged my dad to take us out to The Pancake Kitchen for breakfast this morning, and we're having turkey for dinner, even though my mum thinks it is bland and disgusting ;P
Indians and all their spices >.<
I wouldn't mind celebrating Christmas the Indian way actually. It's amazing. Most people live in lanes or apartments in very small estates or apartments in Pune, where my family is from. Around Christmas, they hang huuuuge Christmas stars and other decorations right across the lanes and in the estates. There are Nativity scenes just as big placed around. Motorbikes and / or scooters are the preferred method of travel rather than cars in the city. So these things are so large they are practically fully blocking the streets and bikes can only just get through. They have Christmas shows in these lanes and almost everyone who lives in the lane or the estate, whichever, will participate. And there are fireworks, of course. There are so many people, everywhere. People sell fancy balloons by the road side, which admittedly happens most days of the year anyway. Beforehand, for weeks, people make handmade Indian sweets of all shapes and colours. /shrugs
It's good.
My surprise which I mentioned briefly the other day is that I finally got my Learner's. If you're not Australian, or South Australian, that's for driving, which you have to pass a theory test for. You have to do 50 hours of driving and hold it for a minimum of 6 months. During this time you can only drive with someone with their full license next to you in the passenger seat. You need to have a certain amount of lessons with a driving instructor also. After this, you can get your P1's. This is your provisional license, where you display P plates on your car, but can drive without a fully licensed person. After this, you can get your P2's, where you can take your P plates off, and after I don't know how long of this, you can eventually get your full license.
I failed the test the first time I went for it on my 16th in June, I got really confused on the give ways lol. So it took me this long to go back for the test, since I was so scared I'd fail it again. (You have to get all the give way questions correct, which is the first part of the test. The next is a bunch of multiple choice questions which you need to get 32 out of 40-something correct) But I only got one question wrong on the multiple choice this time C: I'm happy. I've already been driving a bit, I drove on the roads straightaway lol. I have driven before, but not on roads that are used by anyone else and not since last year. But it's fun (:
And I don't think my parents are so opposed to celebrating Christmas anymore, Mum is thinking of buying ornaments after Christmas for next year, and saying we could put our tree up next year, we still have our old one in the garage somewhere. I just find it sad that I missed Christmas properly, all these years. I would have loved to experience the excitement of waking up on Christmas morning, opening gifts that we had all given each other, spending the day together, having fun and doing family things. Although, we did a lot of family stuff when we were little. But the anticipation in a present being a surprise; it's been a long time since I've felt that. For years I've always known exactly what I was getting for my birthday or Christmas, have even been there when its been bought. In a way, it's good, it ensures that I will like it; but it doesn't have quite the same feeling...
That said, I think too much emphasis is placed on gifts with Christmas these days. Like I mentioned before, Christmas has been commercialised. Retailers place importance on how you need to get presents for other people, need to buy all this new stuff. The stress of this can make Christmas completely worthless. If you feel like you need to get someone else a present because they are getting you one, that is missing the point. You should be giving gifts in love, because you care about the person, and want to express it.
Mmm anyway, I'm done for now, may come back and add to this later, but as you can see, my thoughts are scattered and not well put into words. I need some more sleep. Ah well.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
My Hunt for the Elusive Perfect Pillow
So my new "ergonomically designed pillow for side and back sleepers" from Ikea that "people just keep coming back for" [although why they would come back for more if they already have one is slightly beyond me, I suppose for the other family members but still...] has not won my obviously necessary approval... ^_^ I specifically told the saleswoman I wanted a pillow that was firm; but not hard, and definitely not too soft. Admittedly, this pillow was in between those by the standards of their other pillows. But I was suspicious from the moment I saw such a wide variety of pillows; no one needs that many pillow options unless have they have severe neck or back problems...
For the rest of the populace who just wants a pillow, what possible purpose could such a vast array of choices serve? Nothing but to befuddle the hapless customer so much that they simply take whichever pillow is put forward to be the best for them rather than try to make such a confusing decision all on their own.
How else would the ordinary middle class [free of back / neck issues] consumer decide to fork out up to $70 for a pillow that is essential a sort of bean shaped piece of foam and then yet another $30 for the special pillow cover to put the first item into so that that buyer's head may be more cushioned and appear to be lying on a pillow of normal shape during this mainly unconscious part of their life, rather than Pillow le Freak? Sure, it's shaped slightly strangely, but if you're prepared to pay seventy bucks for one pillow, can't you handle a little strange? Sigh. It's all about the aesthetics these days.
This pillow cover in question is not your average pillow cover which for all normal purposes would preserve hygiene in the ability to wash that rather than the entire pillow, and make it look nice in a customised way. Now, this particular pillow is firstly longer than most pillows, so that's a no to nice fun pillow covers. And because of its odd shape, said pillow requires the pillow cover which you insert the pillow into and it is cushiony and soft, and I'm sure its very nice. Necessary? With the global financial crisis, sleep may be the only time for contentment, so why not sacrifice some hard earned money for a little peace of mind? [NB. the global financial crisis doesn't really affect me directly since I don't have a job and my parents are the ones spending on me, but I'm not all that selfish.]
But at a hundred bucks a pop, I think I'll pass.
Now, my second hint that something was a little off were the names of different designs of pillows. It is my opinion that names, at least of objects, should indicate a little about their owners. Maybe these names mean something entirely related to pillow talk in Swedish, but as an English speaking citizen of Australia, I had no clue whatsoever what such ominous sounding names could mean. None sounded even remotely appealing to me. Here for example are a few I grabbed of Ikea's website [ikea.com.au if you're interested {Oh and the poor Northern Territory, they don't got no Ikea >.<}]: - GOSA HASSEL, GOSA KÄRNA, GOSA KLÄTT, GOSA RAPS. Oh and I'm sorry, it's not a pillow cover, its an outer pillow core ^_^. Why are the names in CAPITALS? They're intimidating enough already... What do such names conjure up in your mind?
Then, from the minute my parents decided to ask for assistance and the salesperson came out with the word "ergonomically" in relation to pillows, I knew this was a bad idea. However, against my better judgment, I kept my mouth shut; attempting to not be a pain and also trusting in Saleswoman's assumed knowledge. She works here, she uses words like "ergonomic", she must know pillows... She seems confident that this pillow is popular, although no figures were quoted [which could be bogus regardless], she's working with my specifications, maybe this is a good idea... Perhaps I should have recalled my friend who works at Baker's Delight, merely serving, complaining to me about how customers tended to ask her what type of bread goes best with *particular dish*; not really knowing, she tends to give what vague help she can while sounding authoritative. Of course, this was only months into her job, she seems to know better now, as I observed the other day while visiting her at work. Or perhaps she's just great at seeming knowledgeable about bread. Regardless, the same fundamental idea quite possibly applies to pillow salespeople.
Note to self: Follow your pillow instincts, and remember that the consumer market has essentially the same principles across the board, no matter the product...
Please take into consideration that I did not intend to buy a pillow from Ikea. I would have been satisfied with a new pillow from Kmart, Target, Big W, any department store is fine by me. However we were already at Ikea, shopping for furniture [and lunching. May I say, I don't understand the fuss about their food, I thought it quite average, although truth be told I only had a fruit flan since none of the main meals looked very appealing, and my family did say they were delicious. I'm a little fussy... But the fruit flan was nice. I like fruit flans, so it was nice that I thought it was nice, but it was your generic fruit flan. It wasn't rave worthy, no, certainly not. And for parents, yes, it's not just toddlers who are fussy with food; the stress of young children is nothing compared to that of teenagers, at least in my parents' eyes. I fully support them in that verdict, I'd be sick to death of me if I was my mother. Although I wasn't fussy at all as a child. Hmm...], and I happened to mention that I wanted a new pillow. Okay, I may have stressed that I needed a new pillow, and today; although I knew quite well it was not a need... in my defence, my neck had been rather sore for the last few weeks.
My problem with our current pillows? Well, you see, all the pillows available to me were either too thin or too thick, making for verrry uncomfortable attempts at sleep. I tried putting two "too thin" pillows together, but they were each thick enough that when together, were too thick, but by themselves, miserably flat. This was highly frustrating to me, and my sore neck morning after morning was not something I enjoyed. Thus the pillow hunt. Alas, had we but been at Marion [local shopping centre {or mall}] that day instead, at Harvey Norman, Freedom, or some other such furniture store in the vicinity, I might have ended up with a quick and easy choice to make, and a perfectly decent, non-ergonomic pillow.
Unfortunately, life doesn't consist of continual smooth sailing, and a pillow was bought for me from Ikea [Not the $70 one, but a 30 or 40 dollar pillow, which, although I am not a scrooge, particularly when it comes to spending my parents' money, seemed slightly ridiculous to me. Again, I should have said something, however it's nice when the parentals decide to buy me something that I think is at unacceptable price and do so quite happily and without complaint. I am guilty of... I forget what its called, but it is wrong, I know. And so, I hoped fervently that I would like said pillow]. Returnable as they are if within original plastic packaging and within 90 days, this story may also have had a happier ending, if not for my sister, missing the part of the conversation during the car ride home about how I should keep the pillow in its plastic as I trialled it [within a pillow case of course so I shouldn't suffocate; this being one of the pillows at a more regular size], and decided to assist me that evening by ripping open the plastic, as my mother and I watched in horror, unable to stop her before the deed was done. Here upon I was thinking something along the lines of "I must like this pillow, I must like this pillow" since it was now nonreturnable, costly, and I felt just a tad guilty because of the cost and non-necessity. In the mean time my mum freaked just a little and my sister had her "oops" moment. Really, it was all quite amusing.
With my positive and determined mindset towards the pillow, not to mention how it was ergonomically designed, how could I not like it? Pretty simple. It was still uncomfortable, no matter how I tried to convince myself I just needed to get used to it. After three nights, I couldn't take it anymore. However, salvation and redemption from any forthcoming guilt was still a slim possibility. See, my dad hasn't been too impressed with whichever pillow he's been using either, and he does have back problems.
{ASIDE: So does my mum actually, and hers + her neck problems are quite severe, which is why it's absolutely fantastic she continues to work as a carer at a nursing home. Which, if you don't know, involves lifting the residents, thus equalling very bad for her neck + back. But she enjoys working, she hadn't worked since my parents moved to Australia 18 years ago. She was very shy and after two years here, she had me, and then my sister, and stayed home to take care of us. She only began working perhaps a year and a half ago now, and only as a casual and relief, but still. I won't say it doesn't help the family although my dad's income is adequate, but I still worry about it. Please note that while I hardly get along with my mum at all, I do still appreciate everything she's done and continues to do for both I and my sister. She always puts us before herself, and while I disagree with some of her rules and such, she always has our best interests at heart, which I know even when I am arguing with her. And I do worry about her and want her to be happy and healthy and safe.}
So, my dad. My mum suggested, in store, that if I didn't like the pillow, Dad could try it also before returning it. Not that the return option is available anymore, but I am now hoping that he will find this troublesome pillow perfect. And, as I was taking it to him, planning to simply resign myself to one of the old pillows I was using before, he offered me a spare from my parents walk-in robe. I had seen this pillow before, but it is firm foam, hardish, and doesn't slope downwards around the edges. It's kinda high all around the outside so I've always been a little ehh about it. But, desperate for any kind of relief for my neck, I decided to try it. I haven't slept on it as such, but I did lie on it for a good half hour prior to returning here to blog, and it was surprisingly comfortable. I think I could definitely get used to it ^_^
(:
Haha so after the wild goose chase for my elusive perfect pillow, it may have been here under my nose [figuratively; the more accurate position would be on the other side of this wall in front of me and a bit to the left...] all along. While it wasn't the longest search in history, it has been a trying period in life for me. XD
And if you needed an example as to just how much I can write about completely pointless matters, well I'd say here's a good one. (:
I wish you all a good [due to your own perfect pillow ;)] night.
xx
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
This is so sad and so worth thinking about
I read this on someone's blog who got it off another site...
I just think it is worth sharing
How much is your time worth?
December 12, 2008
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON: ‘Daddy, may I ask you a question?’
DAD: ‘Yeah sure, what it is?’ replied the man.
SON: ‘Daddy, how much do you make an hour?’
DAD: ‘That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?’ the man said angrily.
SON: ‘I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?’
DAD: ‘If you must know, I make $50 an hour.’
SON: ‘Oh,’ the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: ‘Daddy, may I please borrow $25?’
The father was furious, ‘If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.’
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
‘Are you asleep, son?’ He asked.
‘No daddy, I’m awake,’ replied the boy.
‘I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier’ said the man. ‘It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $25 you asked for.’
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. ‘Oh, thank you daddy!’ he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
‘Why do you want more money if you already have some?’ the father grumbled.
‘Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,’ the little boy replied.
‘Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.’
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
http://www.imaginif.com.au/how-much-is-your-time-worth/
Hello world, this is me
For those of you who have recently started following my blog or would just like to know more about me, this is a little info on who I am and an indication of some of the matters I have and will continue to blog about. (:
One more thing before I begin, thank you very much for following and leaving comments, it's a great encouragement (:
I laugh a little too loud at my own jokes, I love a little too recklessly, and accidentally push away those I care about far too often...
I'm a little idealistic, I want to believe the best of everyone. At the same time, I'm that tiny bit cynical.
I want attention but hate it when I get it; I'm incredibly optimistic for a negative person, and I'm just as much of a contradiction as I'm sure you are.
To say I'm over-dramatic is something of an understatement; I overreact to each small incident as though it's World War III...
I love using quotes and song lyrics to explain how I feel and what I believe in.
I wish on stars and 11.11, although I don't believe in it. Just in case. Maybe you'll come back. I'm waiting. Hoping. With no idea what else I can do anymore.
I use faces a lot while typing to express the tone in which I'm saying something, sorry if it's irritating but I'm using age as my excuse. The main ones you'll see me use are :) ;) :( (: >=( >=| ;P :P :@[angry] :$ which are mainly derived from MSN. Then, there are these, which rather than being 90degrees off, are to be looking at full on - >.< which is a glare and >.> a sideways glare. I'm not assuming you're stupid or anything; I didn't understand what they were without an explanation.
Hey, at least I don't text type! Incorrect grammar is something I hate. Remember, I'm Australian, so it's not a spelling error when I write things like "realised" rather than "realized" or "centre" instead of "center"; we measure our temperature in degrees Celsius, weight in mg/g/kg, length in cm/m/km, etc. Sorry if that sounded at all pompous, it wasn't meant to be.
I'm really easily peer pressured, it's probably a good thing that on the important matters I have friends I want to please equally who have opposite views, and I tend to side with the safer ones, at least for now.
Call me old fashioned but I believe that marriage is something that should last forever, while divorce is understandable in some cases, a lot of the times, problems can be worked out if that's what both parties really want. I want to marry someone who I know without a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with, who will feel the same about me.
People are the most important thing, above popularity, wealth, success, above anything else; I strongly believe that every person is equal. This does not mean that everyone is equal in skill levels etc., but rather that as a human being, they have feelings, hopes, beliefs, and different things they can contribute to our global society, and as humans they are worth no more or no less than any other, whether royalty or homeless person.
Money and possessions don't guarantee happiness.
The movement "To Write Love On Her Arms" is something incredibly meaningful to me, I can't quite put into words just how much it means; for something that has helped me gain the courage to live life, to take a stand for myself against the very worst of me, to believe in hope and to keep going, how can I explain that? Renee Yohe, who is the reason the movement began, is someone I look up to greatly. Read her story here
I believe in the need for community, that we all need each other. We are made to interact and live with one another. We are meant to support and depend on each other as necessary. It is the best way to live, sharing each others' burdens.
I believe that "Global is not a nice idea. Global is reality", that we as humans need to put aside what society tells us is important - putting self before everyone else. For my blog on that, click here.
Jamie Tworkowski's [of To Write Love On Her Arms] blog on the subject is here.
I believe in God but I am not a Christian, although I believe in everything it is about and was brought up in Christian home.
I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance. Perhaps even a third or fourth, perhaps even more. Whether a person is capable of forgiving someone harmful actions that many times is another matter. But people do change. And if we don't give everyone another chance when they request one, how will we ever know if they are one of those who deserve this chance, who will change? Maybe I'm a little too forgiving...
I used to self harm and while I have stopped now [since the 2nd of July, 2008], and I strongly believe for good, it is something which has overreaching consequences and I still struggle with the urges to. I had attempted to stop in previous years, but relapsed a couple of times, but I think I am strong enough and have the right motives for wanting to stop this time. This used to take the form of cutting, burning, hitting my head, overdosing on painkillers, etc. It is something I feel is not talked about enough and many people write it off as something done by someone seeking attention, or "emos" or those who are suicidal. This is not the case and I think it is important to raise awareness about the realities of this issue.
I am 16 years old and in 2009 will be starting my final year of high school. With my interests being literature and society and environment, I will be doing English Studies, Classical Studies, German and Biology/preferably Modern History. After high school I want to go to Uni. I think I would like to be a nurse so this is what I am planning to study, however I love writing and dream of being a published author someday as well. My reasons for wanting to be a nurse are mainly that I passionately want to do something to help people, although I am fairly open and flexible as to where this may take me.
Writing is something I have done for years now, and it is something I have always seemed to be fairly good at, as others have told me. I am not so confident in my own skills, but would love to accept this. I'm told my writing seems far more mature than that of a sixteen year old, I'm happy with that. I find writing to be helpful when I am upset, confused, etc. I have rarely felt as helpless as when I was not able to express my emotions. I love writing narratives as well, as you can see in my other blog, however I am working on doing so with more regularity.
My family consists of my parents and my one younger sister, younger by 364 days ^_^
I don't get along with my mum at all, my dad somewhat, but my sister and I are fairly close these days (: I am very protective of her. And regardless, I love my family. My parents are Indian but both I and my sister were born here in Adelaide, South Australia and I consider myself Australian. In 1998 and 1999, my family lived in Auckland, New Zealand, and although it was great, we ultimately moved back here to Adelaide, which I have to say is even better, although many people hate it since it's so quiet and there isn't a lot to do...
This year has been a turbulent one for me. I became even closer with my two girl best friends and became best friends with the guy who lives across the road from me and also goes to the same school in the same year level. Three months ago within one and a half weeks, lost them all permanently, or so I thought. Miserable because of this, I resorted to overdosing on painkillers at school in an attempt to stop thinking just for a while. The last time I had done this was the 12th of November, 2007. My other friends who realised what I had done told our homegroup teacher; an ambulance was called, and I had to spend that night and the next day in hospital attached to a drip.
Lots of things have changed since then, I now see a counsellor regularly =/ but she's actually great. I think you'll find I am actually a very positive and hopeful person. I am still hoping to fix things with my friends, and just two days ago, my guy friend who I had completely given up on having him as a friend again began to talk to me. Things are still awkward but hope is pulsing through my veins so strongly that I am getting swept away. My friends mean a lot to me, but I overreact a lot.
During the self harm, I had been told that it was something I would later regret; however I cannot bring myself to regret any of it. There is no point in ruing the past, when we cannot change it. We can change the future and that is what we should focus on. Any bad experience can be made good of if we choose to, and often these things that we live through can be used to help other people. That is what I hope to do, to be able to help others who are struggling with the same things by understanding what they have gone through and using my knowledge to benefit them in some way, as Renee of TWLOHA has done for me and so many others. In her words, "that is what the pain was for, and that is worth it all, and more."
I will add to this later and any help from any of my friends who read this would be great ;P But that's all for now. (:
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
AWWW this is cute! (:
found it on someone else's blog
There IS a "Secret Santa." Perhaps you've heard of him. I got an email from him last year after I shared the following story.
This real guy walked into the local thrift store and stepped in front of a fella who tried his best to move out of the way. "I'm Secret Santa and I want you to have this," the stranger said as he handed his victim 2 hundred-dollar bills. "Merry Christmas!"
This anonymous Santa is a businessman from Kansas City. His plan is to cross the country, going into dozens of thrift stores, laundromats and bus stations, and walk up to hundreds of strangers who seem like they could use a Franklin or two and light up their lives.
By Christmas this stranger will have given out $75,000. "Is this for real?" the victim asked. "It's for real, buddy," Santa said. "And I can keep it?" "It's yours and you can keep it." "God bless you. I was down to my last 20 cents."
The current Secret Santa made a promise to Mr. Stewart, the original Secret Santa, that he would keep the Santa thing alive. Mr. Stewart had invested the last 25 years of his life giving away more than a million dollars -- one Franklin at a time.
I think there really is a secret Santa in each of us -- it's just a matter of letting him out. God put the spirit of giving in us long before anyone heard of Santa.
Inspiration
Larry had been out of work for months, and in early October his home went into foreclosure. He withdrew $300 from an ATM to use as a deposit on a rent house and put the ATM receipt in his shirt pocket.
With everything happening around him, he forgot the withdrawal. A couple weeks later the bank sent a letter reporting over $1000 in bounced checks along with the NSF fees charged by the bank.
Embarrassed by it all, Larry and his wife kept it to themselves. Both took on part-time jobs. And with Christmas just around the corner, they decided this year would be something small for the girls and nothing for each other. They felt alone and powerless.
It was their secret.
Then in mid December Larry found a $400 check in his church mailbox with a note, "From Your Friends. Merry Christmas."
"To this day, we don't know ..."
A couple weeks later, on Christmas Eve, the family was watching TV when the doorbell rang. Outside on the porch they found sacks of groceries, a complete Christmas dinner, dresses for the girls, and a shirt and tie for Larry. "To this day," Larry says, "we don't know who made 3 dresses, and gave us so much at Christmas. It was a defining moment when God reminded us that HE provides."
Motivation
You don't have to have a million dollars to be a blessing to others. But it would be a great secret calling. There are people all around us who need a bite to eat, a cup of coffee, a smile, a conversation, a kind word, a blessing, a prayer, a gentle lift. Do you see them? You've still got time.
You have something very valuable inside you ... a treasure ... the calling to make a difference in someone this week. God has put it on you ... to give to someone in secret.
Don't waste your time wishing for Santa to come to your house, make a secret trip to a house that needs what you have. Ask God to put you in the path of just the right person this week, the one who needs a visit from secret Santa and then discover the joy of the secret.
Don't just wish it, do it.
---------
(c) 2008 FaithFitness and Ron Rose
http://www.heartlight.org/
Monday, December 1, 2008
Why Flash Mobs Are Great
lol, this is off some japanese game show
and as for the Adelaide flash mob... http://www.adelaideflashmob.com/
they also have a MySpace and Facebook. ;P
Friday, November 28, 2008
Purely Materialistic ++ Pain and Forgiveness
I couldn't get near a computer last night and so, I thought I'd blog on paper.... blog, yes ^_^ I decided to scan it in inside of typing it up... enjoy reading my handwriting ;P
I also used an A5 book for this, therefore this is 16 or so of those pages, a little frustrating perhaps, but I know you're up to the challenge ;D
[i fucking love waiting to upload pics and and then copy paste in html for all of them... not. since Windows Live Writer is being gay and stuffing up with uploading so many pics, which i guess is fair enough but aghhh. if i weren't so persistent i'd have given up instead of going to all this trouble. appreciate >.< lol]
Scanner went retarded
I dunno what happens to my mind at night.. /shrugs
Sigh, that took forever...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS DAY TOMORROW
write Love on your arms and spread the word to everyone you can, the message that TWLOHA aims to put out there, that, mainly, of hope. i'ma wear my shirt yay
if you don't know what it is, www.twloha.com
ima gonna write short quotes by jamie / renee or just, love is the movement, or even just love, and then the website underneath on sticky notes and put them around the school
and write love on people's arms and the website address on there too if they don't know what it is
eeeeeeeeeee
pumped (:
now, thoughts on my hair being like in that blog down there?
like, two down..
Friday, November 7, 2008
'"Global" is not a nice idea. Global is reality.'
A somewhat cynical look at society, along with more self-analysis, and something like hope... All in all, another long-winded look at several different things all mushed into one, by yours truly ;)
Please, read this. Or at least, parts of it. The latter end of it, before the song lyrics. Which are rather poignant also... But I want to make a point. I truly believe this is more than just Larissa ramble. I may stray from what I'm trying to say but I think it is at least worth considering, this matter of love and its power...
And I'm sorry it's quite so long.
~
I am sick of the way I have been letting the world get to me again. I refuse to let you do this to me. You will not turn me into a person with the characteristics that I despise, as subtly as you influence me. I notice. And I'm not going to stand for it. I am a stronger person than that. And look at that, that I can say that I am a strong person. That's a step. I could never say that before. It wouldn't have been true either. But you know what, I am. In some ways, and some times. I am weak and broken and want to avoid responsibility, I fall down and I get down so easily, I base my life upon other people, I crave assurance that I am loved and needed; I know most of my flaws, I'd think. But I have become a stronger person, over, I don't know how long. I guess it's a process that's been happening slowly in amongst everything that has happened in my life. Sometimes put on hold, sometimes sent into reverse, but still happening.
So what I hate now is how I am buying into that selfishness that our society and mankind promotes and that the majority seem to live by. I tend to get so caught up in my own problems, so tired out by them, that I do not find the energy to put the effort into others' sadness. Reading your blogs, I see your unhappiness, I have been shying away from trying to comfort you, trying to save my strength for myself when I feel weak. Reaching out and expending that energy seems a painful, horribly strenuous task. I have not been showing true love in this way.
I have been so impatient lately, I have been being a bitch. You will have noticed, some of you. I have been harsh with my words lately, then feel guilty and cover it up by laughing, pretending to be joking, when really, I meant to be as cutting as I came across, but then horrified at it in reality. Another flaw of mine - that I do tend to cover up [it's 11.11, make a wish] when I feel bad over doing something wrong, when someone asks me if I knew something, it has become something of an automatic response in some situations to automatically reply with yes, I don't consciously think I need to know everything, but I guess on a subconscious level I have been thinking that I don't like other people knowing more than me, being better than me. I guess, in part, it stems from this Ignite thing. How Catherine and the others stuck with Ignite maths, while I dropped to co-Ignite in year 8... and especially when they accelerated into year 11, and now doing year 12. Their "we never need to do any more maths", I guess subconsciously it makes me feel stupid, I have accelerated in English, yes, but so have they. They are special and smart and I am not. Or at least not as much as them.
I hate when I can't understand something and then another person will say how easy it is. Oft it is not even in response, they won't know I am struggling and will be like, oh this is so easy, give us something harder. And inside, I am ashamed that I am not finding it so easy. Everyone has different strengths. I know that. But I want to be good, at the things I think I should be. Because I hate being not good enough.
Sport. I know the humiliation of always being one of the last picked for a team because of how bad I am. I want to be as good as average, as others, or maybe even better. Because, face it, everyone feels proud of themselves when they can help others with something. Like when I understand a maths concept and can explain it to someone else, especially since I have struggled so much with Maths this year. It's like, I am finally getting something right! I don't think this is a bad thing, it is a factor in motivation.
I don't feel like I need to compare myself to others. But subconsciously I guess I still do. This is all obviously tied back to my needed to feel loved. I need to feel worthy of that. I need to prove to myself that I am equal to other people. So that other people will like me, need me. I need to be needed. I crave attention so badly, and I hate that, I repress it. It comes out in bad ways. Not attention in a loud way, but I do need constant reassurances. I'm not so bad these days, but still.
Hah the topic of perfection is now running through my head. I said I didn't feel the need to be perfect. I guess, I can isolate these voices inside me, ignore them. I know they are ridiculous. I do it well. It doesn't affect me. Although I guess, I have just shown that they do, indeed. But on a subconscious level.
I don't hold it against these other people, that they are better at it than me. I accept that I have my own strengths, and I get past it. I think I do pretty well with it, I don't try to compete with them. That said, I am fairly competitive with little, stupid things. Like getting more plays on an artist than another person who also listens to them, as though I can tell myself I like the band more. It's stupid. But I guess I satisfy that there, which is better than with the more significant things. /shrugs
Aghhhh I am so bad with tangents... /tries to find original point trying to present
Ahkay. So my behaviour lately. Yes. I am ashamed of it. I admit that. So, I apologise. I have been snappy. You will have noticed, the Fall Out Boy thing. I'm not even going to analyse my reasons for that. Tangent. lol. Buuut, just quickly, I'm a little jealous of how Shazz and Catherine have become so close. They do everything together. I swear, I never used to get jealous. Literally, never. This year is when that started. I really dislike it. Jealousy is a horrible, twisted, vengeful thing. It really is. I squash any I may have, but I hate the feeling. I hate having it swirl in my gut, black and sullen, like some foul beast.
Another thing, briefly. I want my friends, I want most of them to have me as their closest friend. Regardless of how close I am to them, I want them to be able to confide in me, to talk to me, about practically everything. Friends confiding in me is another reassurance thing. I realise this is unrealistic to want. Another of my serious flaws. Another that I try to conceal. Forgive me for this also, I beg you. I do not want this from you, not really, I long for it. Another thing I suppress. It shames me. So much. That I need these things. I am so needy. So dependent on others. I keep myself stronger than that, I don't try to get this wish of mine. I keep it under control.
Jealousy. I define jealousy as something that is where you want what another has, or want something you can't have, and wish that you could have it instead of whoever does have it, at practically any cost. And would actually do something to get it. It is selfishness, of course. Of course, I have wanted what another has, everyone does, it is human nature. But never in such a way that I would have it in place of the other person, I would just be like oh I wish I had that thing/opportunity, etc. Eg. Simple Plan concert, when I really liked them. When Catherine and others went, I was so happy for them. I wished I could go, but I didn't begrudge them that, I was excited that they could go and happy for them.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want Catherine and Shazz to not be close, I just want the same thing, for myself. And I wish I was in on their friendship. And I hate hate hate that I don't. I want to get, even if I don't give as much. Ehhh.
Feel privileged LOL. I am being open about things I hate to admit even to myself. Some of these things you would have already known for yourself, but still for me to talk about it like it exists, it is breaking a taboo I have subconsciously set.
Aghhhhh topic.
If you hadn't noticed, the world we live in, is a very selfish one. Look at the business sector. We are taught that we have to be better than others, to get the best pay, to do the best for ourselves. Helping others out doesn't have much of a place in business. This spreads to many other areas of life. We have bought into "myself first". Sure, occasionally, we'll sacrifice our comfort for others, 40 hour famine anyone? But are these things, these ideas, more novelties than anything else? So we can deprive ourselves and raise money and then satisfy our consciences that we have helped people in need, and go on enjoying our creature comforts, not considering these people till the next thing? And of course, it looks good. Helping people, giving up food for 40 hours, doing this and that, getting involved; "oh how considerate you are". We all care what other people think, and this does look good. Perhaps I am being far too cynical here. Of course, we do these things with good intentions. Don't mistake me in that. These things are well and good. But if we really cared, we could do so much more.
I am ashamed to admit, when I was younger, I would donate money that I got, before I had pocket money, the Christmas and birthday money I got, I spent so much of it donating it to various charities, along with my sister. As I have grown older, I now have pocket money, and yet, it has been a long long time since I have just donated money. When a cause comes along, yes. But out of the blue, no. Sometimes I think, I will. But then, oh, those new shoes, that dress, that new album; my materialism brings me to spend my money on that. And then, I have nothing left to donate. I never have any money. I spend it as fast as I get it, faster, even. I want so much. But in the end, what am I spending this money on? Anything worthwhile? I don't even recall what I spend the money on half the time. And all too soon, the items that I buy seem outdated, and I am complaining about not having enough music, or running around the house moaning about how "I have no clothes".
I distance myself from the terrible events we see happening around the world. Oh, the starving children in Africa, the Christians being persecuted in India, "it's so sad, isn't it?" The moment of due sympathy felt, "we're so lucky to live in Australia, we have such fortunate lives, all the more reason to appreciate this life we have", returns to MySpace surveys and comedic YouTube videos, none of which has any purpose or value. Still dissatisfied with our lives, still searching for fulfillment, still not truly appreciative of how lucky we really are. I speak for myself but I have the feeling I am not alone in this...
Advertising purposely addresses the consumer specifically, using key phrases such as "you will love this". Appealing to our selfishness, our desires, our wants for ourselves. Even "make your loved one happy this Christmas", one can see how that will relate to one's own happiness. What of it satisfies? New things are always fun, but the novelty wears off in time, there's always something newer, there's always something else. Are we looking for completion in the wrong places?
Am I being too cynical? It is what I see.
I have given into this way of thinking, and that shames me. That I care more about a pair of new shoes than trying to help out people who are starving to death whom I could help with my money for a mere fraction of the cost of those shoes. Especially when these people don't have to be dying. How easily we could solve world problems if everyone co operated and worked together for the good of each other, not just ourselves and our immediate world around us... Or do you say I am too idealistic? [Maybe a little idealism is better than cynicism, better than seeing the negative aspects in everything. Maybe having that little belief in things being better, maybe that idealism will actually lead to something that is ever so real.]
How did our society turn into something like this? I have numbed my conscience too long, and now this is spreading even to my close friends. It is easy to forget the things that are out of sight, in different countries and places and situations, so far away. But when it gets to the point that I cannot even find it within me to extend sympathy and help to my friends in need, the ones who I can see suffering, that makes me sick to my stomach and so, so ashamed.
I want to care about the things that matter. I don't want to lose sight of the most important thing. People are the most important thing, and love is the most important tool we have. If everyone looked out for each other, can you imagine what things would be like? Of course, this isn't likely, people are selfish and people are broken and people make mistakes. But even a little love, just one person loving as hard as they can, caring for others, that helps heal some of those wounds... Love can do so much. Love can change the world. So can one person. I believe this so completely. "A single raindrop raises the sea". Or something like that. Thanks Dinotopia. Every little action adds to a movement. "Believe your voice can mean something."
Just after the cyclone in Burma and earthquakes in China, Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love on Her Arms wrote this -
"It's easy to believe that are own problems are the only problems in the world. It feels true at times. Maybe a lot of the time. But the better thing might be to believe that we are one. My friend Chris leads a network of communities serving among the poorest people in the world. His team work to be living solutions in the most broken places on Earth. Our team had the privilege of spending two days with Chris last week - he was here speaking into the work we're doing, and helping us get organized. There was something special in a word that Chris kept using, something important. He calls the people who live in the broken places "friends". He says this because he's been there, and he's looked them in the eyes. He knows their names. But i think he says it also to remember. To say that we're the same....
This blog is being typed inside the borders of the richest country in the world, in an apartment with air conditioning, electricity, and cable television. There is a fresh pizza in the refrigerator, and plenty of water to drink. i am a fool if i forget the others tonight. The Atlantic blocks their voices, but they are certainly out there, as real as the air in my lungs. The many with less. The many in mourning and the many in need. In need of food or clean water or shelter. And maybe they sound the same in this: That they might also be people with broken hearts, people stuck in moments. In need of hope, in need of community. Remember them tonight. And find yourself in the process.
"Global" is not a nice idea. Global is reality. Let's be the generation that realizes this."
For the full blog, click here.
"I'm thinking about other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things for bettering
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great
Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess
I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all is fine in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive
Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have so many things
Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on
Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things
Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your things
Yeah we all so many things
And I can get past these things..."
[The Rocket Summer]
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
"I like where you sleep,
When you sleep, next to me,
I like where you sleep... here."
Mmm, most humans can understand the feeling of wanting to be with someone, we are made to desire that, to have someone for us. And it is why we get lonely when we are alone sometimes, so we recognise that need / want for another. Humans are not solitary beings, we need each other. Mmm.
I'm probably a little or a lot tired which is why I'm going to write about this, and probably stupid. But, like, here goes anyway.
Have you ever questioned your sexuality? A friend once told me that everyone does, it's a part of being a teenager. I heard a survey once showed that the vast majority of people will during their lifetime. I used to be heaps worried that I was bi ahahaha. I have come to realise that, no, I'm not. Which was a relief. I just think, how more girls are lesbians than guys are gay, it makes sense, because girls are attractive, we can see it in each other whereas apparently straight guys can't tell if another guy is like, attractive or not. According to Jimit lol, but then he did tell me one of his friends isn't really very good looking, but then, he does say that girls sometimes have different opinions to him on guys and he's like whaaat?
Mmmm. I dunno. Rarely, I guess, I go, if I was a guy, I would so fall for her. I'd never want to go out with a girl or anything, eeeeeep :|
But then, I don't even want a boyfriend at the moment.
agh. This is an awkward subject lol. I am still completely straight. /shrugs
Moving on. I told Daniel the other night, if Jake hadn't been my best friend, I think I would have fallen in love with him.
That surprised me. I know everyone thought we would get together. We never would have. But it's no secret I used to like him, when he still liked rap and was heaps different, in year 10, and barely knew him. And at times this year I thought I might like him. I was so close to it, I was on the brink. But I don't think I ever did again. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that. I was in love with him as a friend for sure.
But, just, I could have a million reasons to have wanted him to be my boyfriend. And I have wanted to. I wanted to kiss him, and I got that. It wasn't just that I wanted to kiss him for the sake of it, it was more than that. I wouldn't let myself hope he ever wanted to either. Even those nights, when he looked at me with that same look I could feel myself looking at him when it was just, in the dark, and I wanted to kiss him so badly I could barely not. I thought it was just a look. Even once, when I swear he went for it and then pulled himself back. I was like, no way. I'd done the same thing too, when I couldn't bear looking at him anymore and not. We weren't close enough already? Hah. Biting wars. Those nights were special, even as friends. We kindah acted like little children, a lot. Doing stupid things. Cuddling, play fighting, biting each other, like it was so innocent. My "cute" little voice and faces, everything. Guess where biting wars led to? My god, when it happened, I was the one to pull away, even how much I had wanted it. I thought it happened by mistake. But, oh my god.
This is completely unrepeatable. !
I have always found him attractive. Admittedly, less so with the beard and the long hair, but when he shaved off the beard and straightened his hair... /dies
He is one of the best huggers I know
And I completely love his personality, kinda tough and angry and you needed to be patient with him but I loved him. I love him.
He lived across the road. Bonus. We spent so much time together.
Too much.
It's not like he just got rid of me from his life. He replaced me with Nicole. I don't have a problem with Nicole. But agh. Fuck's sake.
Not that he's so close to her as me. Not that he really ever told me anything. But even so, he told me a bit. And he cared about me. He wanted to know what was wrong when I was sad.
When I wasn't with him, at school we'd email each other if we were on computers. Sometimes text. I mainly started it but sometimes he would. It made me so happy when he started it, just like when he said "I love you" first.
I almost thought he liked me at the point where we had hooked up, a couple of times. But. I talked to him, kinda, made sure to kill that idea, even with what Bec and Sach were saying. I know he didn't. He practically told me. It hurt when I knew that. Because I was letting myself like him. So I stopped that. But we still hooked up. He was a good kisser >.<
He was perfect, to me. I saw all his flaws, and I loved him all the more for it. I don't want to let go. He means so much to me. He was first and foremost, my best friend. Never to be anything more, but I never wanted him to be less again. I knew we weren't going to stay friends for ever, but I sure wanted to be friends for a long long time. And not have it end like this.
I guess, in a way, he broke my heart. As a friend.
I don't want a boyfriend. I kinda do. Why not? I'm scared of committing to another person. I'm not ready for a relationship for a number of reasons I may go into later, but I still want that security and level of caring about me. Eh, I'm watching NCIS. End of this very odd and awkward blog...
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Striving for Perfection: Response to Kate's
Kate just posted a blog on how everyone attempts to attain perfection. This struck me as slightly odd. So I'm going to throw in my own two cents on the matter...
Personally, I have never felt the need to be perfect. But perhaps it is hiding under another title? Let us examine this ;D
I can never recall wanting to be perfect, as such. I never thought that I could. It is unattainable, in this life. We are but people, marred by the human condition, and not as a Christian but as someone who has seen different attempts to better this, I would say God has the answer.
Feel free to disagree with me on that, I know some of you don't believe in His existence or think that if He is real, well let's just say you don't think too favourably of him. I have seen many people who think like this, and I think it is sad. That people blame God for the bad things in life. What about Satan? People laughingly say things about the devil, but never think to blame him for the bad things, God bears the brunt of discontentment at the negative things in the world. Of course, this probably has a lot to do with the numerous people who do bad things in the name of God. Consider that they may claim to be doing God's will, but are they really, honestly even in contact with God, or perhaps the devil in his most favoured form of subtle deception, not outright wickedness?
But since I myself am not a Christian, I'm not really the right person to defend this view. I do agree with it. I do believe in God. As yet, I remain undecided on the whole thing. I don't know what stops me. But let's save spirituality for another time / blog. It's a fascinating subject to say the least.
Let me just add I am listening to Perfect - Simple Plan to fit this theme hah.
AND OMG. I just realised. In the live version, when Pierre says "let's give it up for" all these different bands, he mentions Billy Talent. I only just heard them for the first time a couple of months ago. And I knew they were from Canada. But hah how odd. To me..
Moving on.
As "people, marred by the human condition..." we should never expect to reach perfection. Of course, we all have unrealistic expectations, of both ourselves and others. But, and again, this is personally, I relish being, not perfect. I like having flaws. Since, after all, everyone else too. Think about it this way, if we were perfect, if life was perfect, we would have nothing left to do. Nothing to work on, nothing to work to, everything would get relatively boring, to my manner of thinking. Strange how inversely optimistic and cheery I can be in certain ways.
I don't expect to ever reach a state where there is nothing for me to improve on. That said, I do know my flaws. I do know that there are things I should work on to improve myself. But at the same time, I am learning to be content with who I am in the moment.
I don't know how I can keep talking about this without bringing God into it.
It is because no one is perfect, no one can make it on their own, that God steps in. Those who blame God and ask why he didn't make us flawless, why he didn't make us to automatically choose the right thing, think about it. God gave us the freedom to make the choice. He gave us free will. If we were just, essentially, mindless puppets, that would not be a very great life. So in His love, he gave us that choice, knowing the heartbreaking pain he would experience as we made the wrong decisions. Because, like anyone who loves someone else, when something happens to that person that causes them pain, anyone who loves them will suffer too, they will experience pain.
I know that some of you don't believe in God, but I just can't see how things work when you take God out of them. So much just doesn't make sense without there being something out there, something unexplainable by the laws that supposedly govern the universe. So, you could take God out of the picture, but to not believe in ANYTHING, something, that defies explanation, I cannot see it. God, to me, makes the most sense, and perhaps that is my upbringing, but I have been given a lot of information on this, my dad talks to people every single Friday night who believe all different things, or don't believe in anything, and discusses the possibility of Christianity being real. To do this he must have some convincing proofs, and people do find themselves changing their beliefs during these conversations. My dad is not just a persuasive speaker, he has arguments that are backed up with proof. And so, I would say that I have reason to what I believe, although I'm not so good with remembering it hah.
But everyone believes different things, and I'm okay with that. Note again that I do not believe in relativism.
Gah back to topic.
I think that society is a lot to blame for people's desire for perfection. Not to just pass off the blame onto society as a whole, but the values that we have come to admire through the celebrities and people we place on pedestals. And if we see these people as being better or more important than us, whether subconsciously or not, if even they are going to, in Kate's words, "prance around with anorexia, striving to be a size zero", as one example, in body shape and weight areas, then what are we going to think? That if even they are trying to be more of something than they are, when realistically they are fine in that area; in holding themselves to unrealistic expectations, we doom ourselves to taking on these same desires. We sometimes create the pressure on these people, it is really a never ending circle and who is to say where it begun? Whether or not it is too late to fix these kinds of issues, I cannot say. Sadly, I am inclined to believe it is not possible, too many in the industry, media and film producers and all the people behind the scenes are too selfish and are all too busy reaching for these impossible goals that they place them above others' welfare. So they demand thinner celebrities and the like.
I could go on about that side of it for hours.
I agree with Kate that we can "strive to be "perfect" because it gives a meaning to life." Everyone needs to have a meaning to life, a purpose that gives them something to live for. Because if they wake up one day and realise that they, really, have nothing to live for, it would be terrifying.
Whether our purposes and reasons to live are delusions, unrealistic goals, or whatever, we rely on them. We need them. I just think we need to look closer, look for a more solid purpose. There is so much more to live for than to try to be perfect. And even in this media controlled, desperately searching world, there is hope. So many people are reaching for perfection. Searching. Perhaps they are looking for the wrong thing. What is it that we really need?
No one should feel the need to be perfect. I'm not asking you, if you do, to just throw that away. I'm not that unrealistic. But I believe there is more to live for than aiming for perfection. I would not aim for perfection. I would aim to love. Because love can do a lot. Love can change the world. Make no mistake, love is the most powerful thing out there. It can overcome almost anything. It can help with all the pain in life, it can help carry you through. I don't mean just love in a partner type situation. I mean every kind of love ever thought of, every single kind of love that perhaps hasn't even been able to be expressed through words. Not love in words, but love in action. Love human to human, reaching out to one another. There is not enough love in the world these days. But I think if we love as much, as fiercely as we can, more than we think able, that is the best we can do. Love is painful, it is sharing other's sorrows, taking on pain you don't have to feel.
But it is my belief it is the right way.
Sorry if I am coming across as heavy handed. I get carried away..
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect"
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Realisation
I have just pinpointed the reason why I specifically hate how my mum and dad won't talk to anyone at church about my overdosing. More than how I hate that my mum is so paranoid and so fearful of trusting people, I have known there was something more there this time, but I couldn't quite work out what, till now.
I know it's not that they are ashamed, but to me it still feels like I am the problem, the problem so bad that they can't talk to any of their friends about it, so bad that they have to hide it from everyone. And I don't want to make my parents ashamed of me.
I know it's not true, my parents are private people. But thank God I told Arvind. Well I told Amanda, Arvind's girfriend, and asked if she could pass it on to Arvind so they could both pray for my parents etc. Hah. And well I'm glad that someone will be, since the only other people who know are Helen from our church, coz she was working at the hospital >.>
And Ashan, another doctor at our church, coz his brother was working at Flinders and also saw us. But Arvind just rang, I'm heaps happy / excited coz Amanda messaged me on MySpace before to tell me that he finally got a job after over 3 months of searching, and it was a time of uncertainty while he second guessed his decision to make the move to Queensland for the job that was offered there. I dunno what happened with that. But I think his contract ran out or something. But he did meet Amanda there, and I sooo look up to Arvind in a way he never even noticed hah, but I really do. My mum has been talking to him for ages now, about my overdose blah blah. But it's good. Even though she was hell mad at me for, God forbid, telling someone about it, who might tell other people; come on I can make judgements on character, I'm not always right, but I'm willing to take the risk...
And now she has someone she can talk to about it (:
Heaps freaked about something else, but I'm letting it go till I know more.
xx
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I'm all out words, but I'll spill some to you regardless.
"Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone..."
Oh god I love that chorus.
I'm terrified.
Out of my fucking mind.
The thought of speaking to Sacha and Bec.
Why is there such a strong side to me that I have no control over? That terrifies me. eg. stops me talking to people for no reason, when i don't want to cut off communication with them!
I want to speak to them but I don't know what to say, I don't know what I'm going to say. Terrified terrified terrified.
Talking to Amanda was the best thing that happened to me all day. It was so good.
"Your dad wants you to have the very best, and he's given you every opportunity he could, and protected you from everything, and the reason he's disappointed, not because he's disappointed in Toivoa, because he's disappointed in himself, disappointed that he forget to protect you from one thing, he protected you from everything that could hurt you, except from yourself."
it was something like that. part of what she said. oh i love her so much. haha she doesn't like social workers very much either. she said so much helpful stuff. eh counsellor lady is pretty chill too. why do i keep saying things are chill? /kills self
lol.
I just had the strangest thought. it's not that odd, but it just came to me with odd clarity. "Jake is only a couple of metres away." Okay, more than a couple. But maybe 100 metres. I'm in the lounge room at the front of our house. And he is, unless he's on their laptop, in the room their computer is in at the front of his house. [he's on msn] hahhhh oh my god, i wish he was that close in other ways, the word to describe the way i mean happens to escape me..
Forgive me, my thoughts may jump around a lot tonight.
Damn Sam Lane was talking to me tonight, I have actually come to love that boy, he is so caring. Okay the fact that he is going out with Josh maaaajorly creeps me out still, but I guess I've come to that stage of being against something in theory but fine with it in practice. My parents' influence + my upbringing wearing down after being bombarded by this society we live in. Mmm. But okay, Sach and Bec, he told them about my overdosing and going to hospital. Not exactly thrilled about that. ^_^
Agh. I really didn't want them to know. But okay. Apparently they were just like "she's done stuff like that before". I would like to say, okay. But that really really hurts. I didn't want them to know, in case they would be upset by it. And I told myself not to think that, remember they said they didn't care. But I still deep down thought that they would. And now here I am trying to pretend to myself it's what I expected. But ow ow ow ow ow.
Hah. I want to sleep. I want to do work. I think, I'm picking up the "i need to be perfect" attitude, which is never healthy, but coupled with how i don't ever put in even any effort, that downright fucking sucks. Whyyy am I so unmotivated.
There are a thousand thoughts jumbled in my mind. Things counsellor has told me, things Amanda has said, things Sam Lane has said, neverending memories of Jake, and fearful, tentative hope for Sacha and Bec, worrying about what did happen, resentful of misunderstandings, not to mention Kylie hah, curious about where Ben heard what he heard,
seeing Zoe today and how that just wasn't as great as I thought it would be. Time alters how you remember people, you improve the ones you like, in your memory. Zoe is great but truly relate to everything I or Shazz says, sorry but no. It wasn't what I wanted, nor what I expected. It was nice, but frustrating. Empty. It shouldn't have been.
I've grown really apart from Shazz. We were so close, last year and first term this year during Youth Opps. I don't know what happened, a natural part of life, I guess. But, dude. I guess since we hadn't spent heaps of time together I hadn't noticed so pointedly as I have lately, these past couple of weeks. We've been together so much, and I don't know, it's not the same. We used to think the same, feel the same. It's different now. It's not that I don't trust her, but since I've realised that some of the more emotionally charged things I say to her is going to be fed through to teachers, well I dunno about now, but it was, I'm even more determined to remain on guard. Over the holidays I have lost a lot of trust in people. I am struggling to keep that, I do not want to turn out like my mum. Especially having a massive lecture to her about it, about how you need to rely on other people, how people need community, we were built to interact with one another, trust people, open up to people, not let bad experiences, betrayals, leave you bitter; but still keep that faith, that ability to trust. And definitely not, to not trust anyone, to try and keep things under wraps.
If I overdose on painkillers, I will tell who I want. Do not try to hide it, don't try to stop me from telling people, who I want to I shall, and accept that. You can't just hide these things away. Stop pretending mum! Not that you would pretend within the immediate family, only present that perfect facade to the outside world, at all costs. And honestly, what is the point? Oh I don't need to tell other people, I've got your dad, I've got God, to talk to; well that's all well and good, but God made us to have other people to rely on also! God works through a number of ways, he sends his comfort and advice to other people. Through church, can you not make friends that you can trust? How can you be oh so bitter? To trust people, is, yes, to risk pain, but without risks, what is life? And lol "no pain no gain". You risk that chance of being hurt terribly, but you also stand to gain an enormous amount of help and just wonderful relationships with other people.
I'm a very people orientated person, a community orientated person. I believe that people need each other. We do. Shazz, you may disagree, but I still say, you can only live life to the fullest, if living in this world and not wholly and utterly isolated; you will come across problems, and difficulties, and you need people to help you through that. Knowing you can rely on someone is a wonderful thing. Reassuring.
Mmm my mum is missing out. Sadface.
I would say I'm a fairly good judge of character, I do trust people within a short amount of time, but rarely thus far have I been wrong. Unless we want to start on boys, but that was mainly David, and there is good to David. If you can get past all that outer stuff, and if you can see the genuine, caring, loving Dave, you would fall in love with him. It's not something very many people get to see, or if they do, not for long. It's his fear of getting hurt that makes him distance himself from people he becomes close to, within a short amount of time. I miss that, that Dave I love. The other, dickhead one, he has his moments, but nothing so endearing. The gentleman one. Oh. It breaks my heart that not all that many people get to see that side. I still wonder, is that side actually just a lie he made up? I can't even tell anymore, but I want to believe the best in everyone and I choose to believe that part of him is real.
Shazz, I listen, and understand, but I tend to have more positive views I guess. I always have, but then I'm still the one who ended up in hospital for overdosing, not being allowed to go to school, losing my best friends, hurting myself way more, not working at school, with a not so great relationship with my parents, forcibly depriving myself of sleep;
I mean, for all my positive tipped thoughts, it's not really having that much of a positive effect on life. I also think the best of people. I refuse to accept that Ingham is a jerk, or Shazz, that you are a fuck up, simply because neither is true. I am incredibly empathetic and I cannot be angry at Ingham. If I distance myself I can, but I choose not to. Ms George, I did, and thus am still angry about. I understand why you're angry at Ingham but I understand the reasons for the way he has reacted.
Another thing, yeah I have noticed I am empathetic, yes, and I pick up other people's emotions and they influence mine easily, but I know that if I want, I can just completely switch it off, go into stony, cold Toivoa. That worries me, I've done it a little, but I don't want to have the capability of being that icy person. Because I know it isn't good. I never wanting to lose feelings. At least if I'm hurting, I know that I'm alive.
Not that that last line has relevance in context, it's just that I don't want to stop feeling. Being numb is a fear of mine. Like losing the people I love. Ohhh you did real well there Toivoa.
Mmmm rambling, rambling, this is a really long blog. it's completely incoherent, and shazz, I am sorry if any of this is offensive. It's not meant to be. it's merely observations. I admire you for your perseverance, your strength, your fighting for so long, I am so proud of how hard you are working. Don't give up darling, you're doing better than you know.
I think I have a slight girl crush on Lynley. Like, not like I actual like her, but there is definite "If I was a guy" thinking hah. :| Dear god.
In other news, my Friday night absolutely kicked ass. It was so good man. I loved it (:
Mmmmmlalalammmlalala. I'm hell tired. It's only 11:33.
i want random people to read my blog and subscribe lol. that would be awesome.
xx
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