Hi, I'm Toivoa and I want to save the world

Really.

Yes, I did switch back to "Toivoa", I'm a little attached now and besides, I've had the encouragement from a couple of my blogging friends to do so, since they also like it. It may change again at a later date, but for now, I remain Toivoa.

I wish I had the power to make everyone happy. But more than that, I wish I could make things right for everyone. As I've come to realise, being happy doesn't mean that what is causing this is right, and, in the long term, can cause more damage than good. More often than not, what is right is painful, and hard, and sometimes we do not see the reward even in this life. But it should be done because it is right. You may say that I see the world in black and white, but I do see the many shades of grey. However, on some things, there are only two options. I do not believe that truth is relative. If we say that Santa is real, if we believe that Santa is real, that does not change the fact that he is real. In the times of believing the earth was flat, it was still round. If we believed that we should give way to our left rather than our right here in Australia, the road rules remain the same and we would be screwed... If we believe we should kill someone for such and such a reason, that does not mean we are right, no matter how it is justified in our minds (and I hope none of my readers believe they should kill anyone, that's a little bit disturbing...) Yeah, I don't understand where I come up with half of my examples either.
Anyway, I believe you can see the point I am trying to make.

What makes this so much more confusing is how right and wrong are often mixed in together. In the bible study I am dragged along to on Sundays by my parents (please note the use of the word "dragged", this is not of my choosing by any stretch of the imagination), we have just looked at how Satan does this. I brought this point up actually. (Ironically, I'd be a great Christian if we based such things on biblical knowledge in regards to age; I'm pretty well informed, for my age. I also have been memorising verses of Scripture literally since the time I could speak sentences. But we'll see.) What is done, though, time and time again, is a lie wrapped in with the truth, or a shred of truth woven through a lie. Of course, ultimately, this whole thing is untrue, but what is so horribly devious about this is how we can see the truth there...

I had learnt this myself, that in lying to my parents, if it was to be as believable as possible, I should make it as truthful I could. For instance, if I was going to hang out just with a guy, I'd say that I was going with them, but also with at least one other girl or a few more people.
That's why knowing what the right thing is, in so many cases, so hard to figure out. Life isn't black and white, it's full of different shades, and we haven't even mentioned the colours!

One thing I struggle with majorly is the verse in Scripture that states that "the heart of man is deceitful above all things". To say that we are liars at the core of our beings is something I am not reconciled with. I always search for the good in people, that is why, even in the majority of terrible people, I find a justification of their actions, however slight; at least understanding the reasons why they have done such a thing, what may have pushed them to do so. I take away the blame from them even just a little, because I believe that there is good in everyone, because I am highly sympathetic. But is that really true? I'm not sure. (Look, I'm a teenager. And I'm admitting to not being sure about something... I must be learning to temper my pride... Hah oh GOD I need some more coffee. Or sleep.)

Believing the best of everyone isn't a good thing. It can lead to being easily deceived. Gullible, as some would say. I am very gullible. I forgive countless times; and David springs to mind here. Liar liar liar screams an inner voice nearly every time I talk to him these days, but there are numerous times beforehand when I have ignored that voice and trusted him once more.
I believe that forgiveness is very important, but it doesn't mean that one must trust the person again, for that can be foolish. [I should take my own words on board here.]

I am more cynical than I once was, but I do still take people at face value, I do trust people too easily. It is the opposite of mistrusting everyone, but it is not the better of the two, a balance is needed. While I hate the sound of the word "prudence", in itself is something I need to gain. This will only come with time and experience, I think...

Anyway, I have a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her, more than once, with his ex girlfriend. Not just a hook up, but they slept together, several times, behind her back. He also had considered suicide and faced depression blah, all that jazz, and I had discussed these with him a couple of times while said friend was favourably disposed towards him, aka when they were still a couple. Even when she hated him, and rightly so, I still kinda felt sorry for him... Please don't hurt me, you, his thankfully ex-girlfriend! See, I sympathise with people too easily...

I just wish I could help every person who is upset, I hate to see people upset, and I hate to be helpless and unable to make them feel better, at the least. I would give anything to be able to do this for people...

[Yeah that ^^^ was pretty much the original point of this post but it's kinda flat, I had someone distracting me and I was trying not to cry... I'm sensitive to being guilt tripped, like I said recently, even if it's as a joke, and I'm actually really upset at the moment lol. Don't ask.]

Yeah anyway, you know that coffee I mentioned? Considering my last was an hour ago, I really need to take myself up on that suggestion. Face it. Admit it or not, you love my early morning ramblings in which I try to sound mature and pass off my sixteen years of experience as tried and tested and set in stone realisations about life, managing only to show that sleep helps to bring down the random tangents and possibly even lend structure to my writing, which is why I should possibly indulge in a little more of it...
Or perhaps I should just stop here.

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'"Global" is not a nice idea. Global is reality.'

A somewhat cynical look at society, along with more self-analysis, and something like hope... All in all, another long-winded look at several different things all mushed into one, by yours truly ;)

Please, read this. Or at least, parts of it. The latter end of it, before the song lyrics. Which are rather poignant also... But I want to make a point. I truly believe this is more than just Larissa ramble. I may stray from what I'm trying to say but I think it is at least worth considering, this matter of love and its power...

And I'm sorry it's quite so long.

~

I am sick of the way I have been letting the world get to me again. I refuse to let you do this to me. You will not turn me into a person with the characteristics that I despise, as subtly as you influence me. I notice. And I'm not going to stand for it. I am a stronger person than that. And look at that, that I can say that I am a strong person. That's a step. I could never say that before. It wouldn't have been true either. But you know what, I am. In some ways, and some times. I am weak and broken and want to avoid responsibility, I fall down and I get down so easily, I base my life upon other people, I crave assurance that I am loved and needed; I know most of my flaws, I'd think. But I have become a stronger person, over, I don't know how long. I guess it's a process that's been happening slowly in amongst everything that has happened in my life. Sometimes put on hold, sometimes sent into reverse, but still happening.

So what I hate now is how I am buying into that selfishness that our society and mankind promotes and that the majority seem to live by. I tend to get so caught up in my own problems, so tired out by them, that I do not find the energy to put the effort into others' sadness. Reading your blogs, I see your unhappiness, I have been shying away from trying to comfort you, trying to save my strength for myself when I feel weak. Reaching out and expending that energy seems a painful, horribly strenuous task. I have not been showing true love in this way.

I have been so impatient lately, I have been being a bitch. You will have noticed, some of you. I have been harsh with my words lately, then feel guilty and cover it up by laughing, pretending to be joking, when really, I meant to be as cutting as I came across, but then horrified at it in reality. Another flaw of mine - that I do tend to cover up [it's 11.11, make a wish] when I feel bad over doing something wrong, when someone asks me if I knew something, it has become something of an automatic response in some situations to automatically reply with yes, I don't consciously think I need to know everything, but I guess on a subconscious level I have been thinking that I don't like other people knowing more than me, being better than me. I guess, in part, it stems from this Ignite thing. How Catherine and the others stuck with Ignite maths, while I dropped to co-Ignite in year 8... and especially when they accelerated into year 11, and now doing year 12. Their "we never need to do any more maths", I guess subconsciously it makes me feel stupid, I have accelerated in English, yes, but so have they. They are special and smart and I am not. Or at least not as much as them.

I hate when I can't understand something and then another person will say how easy it is. Oft it is not even in response, they won't know I am struggling and will be like, oh this is so easy, give us something harder. And inside, I am ashamed that I am not finding it so easy. Everyone has different strengths. I know that. But I want to be good, at the things I think I should be. Because I hate being not good enough.

Sport. I know the humiliation of always being one of the last picked for a team because of how bad I am. I want to be as good as average, as others, or maybe even better. Because, face it, everyone feels proud of themselves when they can help others with something. Like when I understand a maths concept and can explain it to someone else, especially since I have struggled so much with Maths this year. It's like, I am finally getting something right! I don't think this is a bad thing, it is a factor in motivation.

I don't feel like I need to compare myself to others. But subconsciously I guess I still do. This is all obviously tied back to my needed to feel loved. I need to feel worthy of that. I need to prove to myself that I am equal to other people. So that other people will like me, need me. I need to be needed. I crave attention so badly, and I hate that, I repress it. It comes out in bad ways. Not attention in a loud way, but I do need constant reassurances. I'm not so bad these days, but still.

Hah the topic of perfection is now running through my head. I said I didn't feel the need to be perfect. I guess, I can isolate these voices inside me, ignore them. I know they are ridiculous. I do it well. It doesn't affect me. Although I guess, I have just shown that they do, indeed. But on a subconscious level.

I don't hold it against these other people, that they are better at it than me. I accept that I have my own strengths, and I get past it. I think I do pretty well with it, I don't try to compete with them. That said, I am fairly competitive with little, stupid things. Like getting more plays on an artist than another person who also listens to them, as though I can tell myself I like the band more. It's stupid. But I guess I satisfy that there, which is better than with the more significant things. /shrugs

Aghhhh I am so bad with tangents... /tries to find original point trying to present

Ahkay. So my behaviour lately. Yes. I am ashamed of it. I admit that. So, I apologise. I have been snappy. You will have noticed, the Fall Out Boy thing. I'm not even going to analyse my reasons for that. Tangent. lol. Buuut, just quickly, I'm a little jealous of how Shazz and Catherine have become so close. They do everything together. I swear, I never used to get jealous. Literally, never. This year is when that started. I really dislike it. Jealousy is a horrible, twisted, vengeful thing. It really is. I squash any I may have, but I hate the feeling. I hate having it swirl in my gut, black and sullen, like some foul beast.

Another thing, briefly. I want my friends, I want most of them to have me as their closest friend. Regardless of how close I am to them, I want them to be able to confide in me, to talk to me, about practically everything. Friends confiding in me is another reassurance thing. I realise this is unrealistic to want. Another of my serious flaws. Another that I try to conceal. Forgive me for this also, I beg you. I do not want this from you, not really, I long for it. Another thing I suppress. It shames me. So much. That I need these things. I am so needy. So dependent on others. I keep myself stronger than that, I don't try to get this wish of mine. I keep it under control.

Jealousy. I define jealousy as something that is where you want what another has, or want something you can't have, and wish that  you could have it instead of whoever does have it, at practically any cost. And would actually do something to get it. It is selfishness, of course. Of course, I have wanted what another has, everyone does, it is human nature. But never in such a way that I would have it in place of the other person, I would just be like oh I wish I had that thing/opportunity, etc. Eg. Simple Plan concert, when I really liked them. When Catherine and others went, I was so happy for them. I wished I could go, but I didn't begrudge them that, I was excited that they could go and happy for them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want Catherine and Shazz to not be close, I just want the same thing, for myself. And I wish I was in on their friendship. And I hate hate hate that I don't. I want to get, even if I don't give as much. Ehhh.

Feel privileged LOL. I am being open about things I hate to admit even to myself. Some of these things you would have already known for yourself, but still for me to talk about it like it exists, it is breaking a taboo I have subconsciously set.

Aghhhhh topic.

If you hadn't noticed, the world we live in, is a very selfish one. Look at the business sector. We are taught that we have to be better than others, to get the best pay, to do the best for ourselves. Helping others out doesn't have much of a place in business. This spreads to many other areas of life. We have bought into "myself first". Sure, occasionally, we'll sacrifice our comfort for others, 40 hour famine anyone? But are these things, these ideas, more novelties than anything else? So we can deprive ourselves and raise money and then satisfy our consciences that we have helped people in need, and go on enjoying our creature comforts, not considering these people till the next thing? And of course, it looks good. Helping people, giving up food for 40 hours, doing this and that, getting involved; "oh how considerate you are". We all care what other people think, and this does look good. Perhaps I am being far too cynical here. Of course, we do these things with good intentions. Don't mistake me in that. These things are well and good. But if we really cared, we could do so much more.

I am ashamed to admit, when I was younger, I would donate money that I got, before I had pocket money, the Christmas and birthday money I got, I spent so much of it donating it to various charities, along with my sister. As I have grown older, I now have pocket money, and yet, it has been a long long time since I have just donated money. When a cause comes along, yes. But out of the blue, no. Sometimes I think, I will. But then, oh, those new shoes, that dress, that new album; my materialism brings me to spend my money on that. And then, I have nothing left to donate. I never have any money. I spend it as fast as I get it, faster, even. I want so much. But in the end, what am I spending this money on? Anything worthwhile? I don't even recall what I spend the money on half the time. And all too soon, the items that I buy seem outdated, and I am complaining about not having enough music, or running around the house moaning about how "I have no clothes".

I distance myself from the terrible events we see happening around the world. Oh, the starving children in Africa, the Christians being persecuted in India, "it's so sad, isn't it?" The moment of due sympathy felt, "we're so lucky to live in Australia, we have such fortunate lives, all the more reason to appreciate this life we have", returns to MySpace surveys and comedic YouTube videos, none of which has any purpose or value. Still dissatisfied with our lives, still searching for fulfillment, still not truly appreciative of how lucky we really are. I speak for myself but I have the feeling I am not alone in this...

Advertising purposely addresses the consumer specifically, using key phrases such as "you will love this". Appealing to our selfishness, our desires, our wants for ourselves. Even "make your loved one happy this Christmas", one can see how that will relate to one's own happiness. What of it satisfies? New things are always fun, but the novelty wears off in time, there's always something newer, there's always something else. Are we looking for completion in the wrong places?

Am I being too cynical? It is what I see.

I have given into this way of thinking, and that shames me. That I care more about a pair of new shoes than trying to help out people who are starving to death whom I could help with my money for a mere fraction of the cost of those shoes. Especially when these people don't have to be dying. How easily we could solve world problems if everyone co operated and worked together for the good of each other, not just ourselves and our immediate world around us... Or do you say I am too idealistic? [Maybe a little idealism is better than cynicism, better than seeing the negative aspects in everything. Maybe having that little belief in things being better, maybe that idealism will actually lead to something that is ever so real.]

How did our society turn into something like this? I have numbed my conscience too long, and now this is spreading even to my close friends. It is easy to forget the things that are out of sight, in different countries and places and situations, so far away. But when it gets to the point that I cannot even find it within me to extend sympathy and help to my friends in need, the ones who I can see suffering, that makes me sick to my stomach and so, so ashamed.

I want to care about the things that matter. I don't want to lose sight of the most important thing. People are the most important thing, and love is the most important tool we have. If everyone looked out for each other, can you imagine what things would be like? Of course, this isn't likely, people are selfish and people are broken and people make mistakes. But even a little love, just one person loving as hard as they can, caring for others, that helps heal some of those wounds... Love can do so much. Love can change the world. So can one person. I believe this so completely. "A single raindrop raises the sea". Or something like that. Thanks Dinotopia. Every little action adds to a movement. "Believe your voice can mean something."

Just after the cyclone in Burma and earthquakes in China, Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love on Her Arms wrote this -

"It's easy to believe that are own problems are the only problems in the world. It feels true at times. Maybe a lot of the time. But the better thing might be to believe that we are one. My friend Chris leads a network of communities serving among the poorest people in the world. His team work to be living solutions in the most broken places on Earth. Our team had the privilege of spending two days with Chris last week - he was here speaking into the work we're doing, and helping us get organized. There was something special in a word that Chris kept using, something important. He calls the people who live in the broken places "friends". He says this because he's been there, and he's looked them in the eyes. He knows their names. But i think he says it also to remember. To say that we're the same....

This blog is being typed inside the borders of the richest country in the world, in an apartment with air conditioning, electricity, and cable television. There is a fresh pizza in the refrigerator, and plenty of water to drink. i am a fool if i forget the others tonight. The Atlantic blocks their voices, but they are certainly out there, as real as the air in my lungs. The many with less. The many in mourning and the many in need. In need of food or clean water or shelter. And maybe they sound the same in this: That they might also be people with broken hearts, people stuck in moments. In need of hope, in need of community. Remember them tonight. And find yourself in the process.
"Global" is not a nice idea. Global is reality. Let's be the generation that realizes this."

For the full blog, click here.

"I'm thinking about other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things for bettering
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all is fine in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have so many things

Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your things
Yeah we all so many things
And I can get past these things..."

[The Rocket Summer]

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Feelings

Wahhhhhh. Seriously. I could just write a massive crying blog right about now.

Now Shazz has gone and I have nothing to distract me, even briefly. I'm craving coffee, haven't had any in ages.

I am so low right now and it's probably because of sleep deprivation, also haven't been taking my vitamin D and iron lately. I should, I know I should, God knows I don't want rickets, osteoporosis or depression etc, but ever since the hospital, I cannot be bothered. Even when mum has left them out for me. I don't know why. I was in the routine before and that completely upset it, but it shouldn't be too hard to get into again! There's something stopping me. Like the thing that stops me from sleeping.

My maths classroom depresses me. I can literally feel it from the instant I walk in through the doorway. It's like the bright and positive things in life all disappear. It's not just the teacher. It is actually the room. Sure it's kinda dark, but my German classroom is darker, and I am fine there. The walls and ceiling are all white, yet the place is depressing and the mood inside is dim. I am ten times more likely to start crying in that class than any other. Mr Miles doesn't help, he makes the atmosphere worse. I hate how stupid I feel. When everyone knows exactly what to do and I have no idea; do I retain any information at all?? Or was I ever actually taught it? Is everyone else just smarter than me? Have I allowed not putting in effort to get to the point where I actually have become stupid where I wasn't before? I'm so confused and I feel so terrible. I look at myself, and I look at Shazz, my god I see the effort she puts in, she tries so hard. I am so proud of her but at the same time I am so ashamed, of myself. If I could cut through this haze of being unable to just do the work, to be motivated and stay on task, to follow things in priority order and do what I know I should. It is my own fault, I know that.

I know that.

But I still cannot seem to break that boundary.

I am held captive by so many things in my life, trappings of my own device that are so deep set I don't even know what they are. Inhibitions I don't even realise I have. And these stop me from doing what I should. And by this not being done, it creates more stumbling blocks and fences around me.

I am weighed down by a million things and I'm not really struggling anymore. I'm letting life kinda take away everything I never wanted to lose. Even as I determine to stay strong, to keep fighting, even in some ways as I am, in the long term I have let life take me and beat me down. I'm running out of time to set things straight. Year 12 is so close. I'm so fucking capable of doing these things, the school work, but there are all these things that stop me. Why can't I break free?

I feel so lost, and lonely. I have never felt so alone. Despite everything, I have been losing my trust in people. I am closing myself off and being more cynical, noticing how manipulative I could be and possibly am beginning to do so. That is not the kind of person I want to be. I used to be strong. In some ways, I have gained strength. But I used to be so dead set in my morals. I have always respected people with strong morals and won't be pressured into things. I have let a lot of my morals go. I feel ashamed of that. I am losing myself.

Not much of a loss.

Ah, one of those thoughts that still creep in. But see, it doesn't really ring true anymore. One thing I am quietly happy about.

But there is too much negative stuff. I will acknowledge the positive as much as I am able. However, the dark side is strong. Lol Star Wars much? But it is. The bad things are always easier to remember, hang more oppressively, have more of an impact. This applies to many. Are we people who prefer to have a negative perspective, who like being unhappy? A thought keeps coming into my head lately, - "I am addicted to misery". And I am. It's something I will bring about for myself because it is what I want. I can distract myself and be happy for a time, not complete, proper happiness, but even that is refreshing.

And I don't feel comfortable with that. I remember Sacha and Bec and Jake, I purposely look for memories that remind me of them. I do not want to be happy without them. I know that. I also have to prove a point, I'm terrible like that, it's one sure fire way to be able to manipulate me. But this point I must prove to myself, this point that I will not be happy without them, cannot live without them. This isn't proper living. It's something between living and existence, sometimes this shadow pokes its head out into the bright sunlight of truly living, becoming human, but for the most part it remains in the gray area, a dead soul within a waking body.

Lalala Larissa gets gayly overdramatic again. It's because I'm tired. I talk complete crap, even more than usual, at this stage.

I don't want to be alone, with my mind having complete control, I don't want to expose myself to the vulnerability of sleep. Where the dark side of my mind can take control. And I can do nothing to stop it. I fear where these thoughts of mine can take me, to the black places where I don't want to go. I'd rather stay awake.

You know what, I want to fight for my right to life. Because I do have that right, that right to liiiive. And I am going to do exactly that. I want to live. I have to learn not to stop living, no matter what the pain. I have always believed that it is worth it in the end. No matter how now, I feel that I wish I was never friends with Jake because of how much I miss him, I know I don't really wish that. Because all the great memories are still there. I just really wish we could make more. I do love him so much.

Hmmm my mind is wandering, I'm changing subjects completely incoherently. I shall stop here, for now.

xx

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