[Guys, I've written a new story on my other blog, Head in the Clouds. If you can and would like to, please take the time to check it out and even leave your comments, opinions, and constructive criticism? That'd be great, since I'm as unsure about it as ever. I'm aiming to write properly more regularly again as well, if you're interested. (:]
Today was good. The results for my latest Maths test turned out to be 52% (55 for a pass), but I've done well in other tests so far and my overall term grade is 74%, a B. Next term I'm going to make up the 11 percent needed to get an A. As for a majorly important Biology test I was worrying about; turns out I scored 82%. I was so incredibly relieved and excited at this. After school I went to my best friend's house for a few hours; she doesn't go to my school. So that was good.
But the best thing about today so far was a simple smile.
The ex best friend and I are in some weird territory at the moment; if you read back a couple of months, you'll see that we are talking slightly once again, mainly on MSN and greeting each other when we pass by at school. That had stopped for a while, and then has begun again over the last few weeks. I doubt I've written about it, because I don't want to hope that anything will come of it. Today, it went beyond that. It was nothing, really. And yet, it is everything to me; I could not keep from smiling for hours afterward. He smiled at me.
He's not the kind of person who smiles all that often, in fact he has said repeatedly that he doesn't like to. He also sent me an email saying hi yesterday at school, which I only read when I checked my inbox today. We used to talk all the time through emails at school. Sometimes texts, and then during Supervised Study (a crappier version of a free), I'd try to get to a computer so we could talk cheaply via email. We spent so much time together. Walking to and from school, sneaking out at night for walks, recesses and lunch, ditching class for a few minutes or completely on a number of occasions, talking on MSN each evening, going to town together on Saturdays, and having text conversations in between. Emailing during school was a huge part of this.
He smiled at me. The realisation only seeped into my mind as I walked away, and for the remaining lessons I had, I was very happy. I know I kept breaking into smiles like an idiot as I walked home by myself, and it was one of the first things I said to my best friend once I saw her. Talk about making my day. Although he always has. Well, either made or broken, if he was sad or angry.
And I've been letting myself imagine us becoming friends again. He's initiating all this. And I want this so much. I imagine having good conversations with him once more, spending time with him, hanging out for him, sneaking out for walks with him, just once in a while, and his hugs. He gives really good hugs. If I could have him back, even just as a friend; I can't let myself think about best friends, I don't think I could contain my happiness. Even without the other two (it's so hard to refer to them on here because I have no names for them), just having him at least would make everything better. I had completely given up on this, but ohmygod he fucking smiled at me today!
It's like I have a huge pathetic celebrity crush view towards him. Like ohmigod he smiled at me!!! I'm so lame ;P But it's more important than any crush. Because he was my best friend. Friends are more important than guys, like that. And I am so excited at the possibility of being his friend again, as much as I try to temper it. He was an amazing friend. He's not necessarily easy to be friends with, and at times was even kinda scary when he was angry, but I loved him and love him and maybe maybe he will love me again sometime. He means the world to me.
I'll be honest, if I was to cheat on Chris with anyone, it would be him. If he kissed me again, I would kiss him back. There would be almost no question of pulling away, although I would, after a while, because he is was (get a grip Toivoa) just my best friend and Chris is my boyfriend or something or other. Just my best friend? Hah. Not many more people are of more importance to me than him. I couldn't miss him anymore than I do. I would do anything for him, anything to make him happy.
But it won't happen, kissing him. We've been through that. I don't even know if we'll ever be able to call each other best friends again. All I know is that I want this with every fibre of my being, every macromolecule in my body, every cell and protein and organelle, with every homologous chromosome and every other biological thing within me. ;D I want this so badly, and I know I felt this way when he first began speaking to me again, but I can't stop to let myself be scared at it going wrong. I've gone so many sleepless nights reliving the memories, cried so many tears and felt physically ill or in pain due to missing him so utterly; and in keeping with the Backstreet Boys, "All I'm going to be without you him is incomplete..."
To the others, these are painfully fitting;
"What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
I still need you
I still care about youThough everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you.
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment."
Jake Iloveyousomuch. As a friend and only that.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
"I try to sleep, but the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me"
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
"Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me"
Teenagers may "scare the living shit" out of Gerard Way and co., but for me I get that from children at a much younger stage in their lives. Toddlers. They're terrifying! Don't get me wrong, I love kids. No, that's a lie. It would be more correct to say "I love kid". I'm all cool with them when they are in the singular, or perhaps even two together are okay, and I know them on a personal level. When I have actually met them and get to hang out with them and read them storybooks and play their little games and kowtow to their every whim in the hopes of keeping them from screaming uncontrollably. To be fair, perhaps I don't like the competition. I throw pretty big tantrums... But in a hormonal teenager kinda way. You know, the way that would scare the living shit out of My Chemical Romance...
Anyhow. It is the mobs, the hordes, of the little things that cause me to shudder and cringe. [Isn't horde spelt "hoarde"? No, Mozilla Firefox spell check? >.< ...okay.] For example, the horde in the kindergarten that I must pass as I walk home from school every day. In the morning it's fine since they're either arriving or inside, I don't know and I don't really care. It's in the afternoon that they are out in the garden area to play, feeding off each others' boundless energy.
And as their parents pick them up, letting one or two out through the gate in order to take them home (God knows why), I have been known to let out a scream and jump a mile high when one has run past me in their eagerness and probably on a sugar high... I didn't know it was there! And suddenly a little thing shot past me. You'd scream too. Really.
Note how I refer to them as "it" and "thing". Those children are not humans, I swear. Even when in the singular, I do not know them and if they are not within a centimetre's reach of a parent, I do not like them. I do not trust them. They may look cute, sure, but. They are evil. I dare you to convince me otherwise.
Oh, apart from the ones in the library that run to see Solomon the snake in his cage, peering through the glass on tip toes, eager to see him move. That's just funny, entertaining, and I like those ones because they're not scared of snakes. And yes, I still call them "those ones". They can be assigned genders and proper human status when they're older. ;P
Another reason for my specific dislike of the children at this kindergarten in particular - once, while walking past with my sister, a bunch of them lined up at the fence, holding the bars like little prisoners, as they are prone to do. One dropped their hat outside the bars so I picked it up and returned it to them. (I may not like them but I am nice...) On seeing this, the other fiendish minions decided that this was a brilliant new game, and so, to the sounds of delighted peals of laughter, promptly began throwing their hats through the bars for my sister and I to return. I gave up quickly and began to walk off but my sister, helpless and beguiled by their youth and seeming innocence, continued to try to return their hats, fighting a losing battle. It took much urging on my part to bring her to leave. Evil and conniving.
Anyone else have tales of run ins with the evil ones of that age? No? Fine. I stand by this.
I do want to have my own children some day, but for now I'm not really keen on those stages... Hopefully by the time this comes around, I'll have changed my mind.
Don't even get me started on all the other major flaws I see in the process, and fears; such as the eugh-ness of being pregnant, not to mention GIVING BIRTH (I think my mind just died a little at the thought), and what if I had an ugly baby? Even worse, what if when it grew up and through adolescence and its teenage years, it was ugly? I'm not just being superficial here, although, well, I am; but it would most likely get a lot of shit from other people. People are mean. Look at me. And if it was stupid? So many complications, so many variables... That said, I disagree with the concept of Designer Babies.
So I have an essay to write and this post is essential pointless meaningless rambling; as per most of posts, come to think of it. Maybe I should work on the content of this blog... That's what tomorrow's for. Probably for that essay too...
Monday, March 23, 2009
"When I look into your eyes, there's nothing quite as sad as goodbye"
If you have noticed, yes, my last three posts, including this one, have all been titled with lyrics from the same Shannon Noll (Australian Idol runner up years back) song. Yes, Shannon Noll. I know that's shameful for several reasons, but shhh. ;P
The last two were untitled and I happen to be listening to the song in question, and the lyrics seemed to (sorta) fit. Come to think of it, vast amounts of Backstreet Boys lyrics would probably be appropriate for my posts... Yeah that's definitely cause for shame ;P
I hate untitled posts.
I just remembered a dream I had on Friday night which terrified me so much I could not sleep again for hours. The friends, my best friends, although I don't know if I can call them that anymore, although in my mind they still are, and always will be; not the ex best friend (we are talking a little, still), but the other two, were the main feature in it. Nick was in it a little also, and various other people. It was so horrifyingly realistic that right now I want to stop my mind.
I hate the coincidental glances that have the shock of the unexpected moments of eye contact, and I wonder if the deadness I see is reflected in my eyes. It's definitely not reflected within. When I'm taken especially by surprise I literally feel sick.
I don't understand how it could get to this point.
And I can't explain the dream, my remembrance of it has already faded but left me with a dread I can't quite encapsulate in words. This whole thing is so... wrong.
I need some coffee.
"If I'd have known what you would say, I'd have turned and walked away"
I practically single-handedly express all the teen angst that is tolerable in the world. Time to stop being pathetic, Toivoa.
I am resuming my job hunt, although I don't know what good it will do, considering how completely unsuccessful it was before. But cross your fingers for me. I just want a part time job!
I'm dying without my phone here, kay? ;P
And God knows I need money for everything, our canteen is so expensive, and how else will I support local business in our financial crisis? That cafe really needs my business! And I really need their $4 Mochas! That's in Large, so that's really good... Mmm. It's been like, a week. Since my little caffeine scare. I'd link it, but I really am too lazy at the moment.
I remember the days when we'd go to the shops for a bag of fries I'd share with my best friend. Just like now, the lady at the counter would know our order, but that was a lot more embarrassing. And yet, my Mocha just isn't as much fun as wagging school to wait outside K.F.C., further away from the school, till the chip shop would open; and then stuff our faces with the most unhealthy, most delicious chips... Yes, that's right, we would actually wait for the shop to open. We couldn't go to school until we'd been, so we had to wait... From around 9 till 10.
I miss those conversations about everything. I miss having a best friend like that.
This became about them, one of them at least, again. I'm sorry.
So sorry.
And I mean that on more than one level, to more than just one group of people.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
"Don't wanna think about tomorrow;
...you won't be here by my side,
all of a sudden I feel hollow..."
I think I'll lock my heart away in a glass case.
It's best for me, and you.
Still beating, of course. I want to stay alive, at a distance. Can that work? I can try.
You don't want to hear it, and even if you did, I can't talk about it, any of it. Not anymore. And not even that. I don't trust half of you anymore. What happened to us? I miss those times when we were all so close, and you were less critical, more understanding, when I was so innocent, although I didn't know it. When I had ethics I would hold to.
When we understood each other, and actually gave a crap.
I feel like I'm trapped by all the things I can't say, for all the different reasons. I want someone to talk to. Do you know how much I want someone I can talk to about most things? I don't have that. Sure, there's Lynley, Kathleen. Even Nick. But, it's not the same, you know? People aren't replaceable.
It's like I've imprisoned myself with everything I've said and done, and I've used others to hurt me without even knowing I was doing it at the time, and let others hurt me and I don't know why and I have no idea where I am. I'm stumbling all over the place, going backwards, in circles, straining forward and sometimes even moving in that direction. But from watching me, you'd think I'm a blind man struggling to find his way. Which is pretty close to the truth, just make that blind man female. And I see fine, physically.
The worst of it, though, is thinking that I'm alright, that I'm okay, and trying not to look too closely. Because when I do, I see all the bars and fences and the traps that I have set, and none of these barricades are crumbling, the only thing that is crumbling is me.
Oh god. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm scared to look at myself because I'm so hollow; at times bear any physical form of contact because the heat of another person or even my hand against my arm was too much, I thought it might burn through the cardboard cutout and expose the lack of anything inside. I can't hide my own emptiness from myself all the time, it's tiring. It's not easy to continually lie to yourself. But I don't think I have any other option. I can't let myself fall apart like I did towards the end of last year. I don't want to come home from school every day and cry uncontrollably for hours. I don't want to scream at everyone over nothing. I don't want to lose my desire to live. I really think I'm secretly already back there. Maybe I never left. But I convinced myself I did. I think I did. I was/am getting better. But there's a part of me that stayed there all of this time, hurting and crying, and another part that's numb, perhaps beyond revival. And they drag me back.
I have no idea. Of anything. I want to walk through the next few years with my earphones in and my music up full blast, and come out on the other side and pick up my life and get on with it. But I can't because if I take a holiday from life right now, in a few years it will just be more of a mess. I just want to leave. I just want to leave! Just for a little while.
But, for you anyway, I'm going to pretend I'm fine. As much as I can. I'm getting better at it. Hiding it. But this blog is the one place I can scream and vent and cry as much as I am able, so for those of you I see most days, detach that me from this one. We're not the same. She's a lot more fake.
Pretend she's real though, okay? For me? For you? No matter how hard she has to force her smile. I owe that to you, at least.
EDIT (10.56PM) : Getting drunk is stupid (just trawling through memories). Why do I do it? I shall refrain. At least from getting really drunk. Stupidstupidstupid. Ugh.
On My Mind
I am
a) scared that I'm pregnant (long story... i'm paranoid and yeah let's not get into it right now)
b) scared that I'm going to fail Year Twelve for a variety of reasons
c) not liking my new hair
d) tired as always
e) without a phone (interesting story, that)
f) eating a lot. like. so much. I just eat. All the time.
g) regretful. about so much.
h) wanting coffee, credit, and a phone
i) confused about the thing with chris; shouldn't I care more that I haven't seen him or talked to him in 5 days? Because, before, the weekend was a strain. I know, it's been three weeks, a month max. ish. Why do I get over guys so fast? Although yesterday I kinda missed him. But this means more time to hang out with Lynley, which is always good...
j) wondering why I'm using letters here rather than numbers, or not just simply bullet points.
k) going to go start my homework now.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
You ain't never had a friend like me
That's probably something to be glad about ;)
Although, I'm an alright - good friend. It's in other social contexts I don't seem to do very well;
Having a boyfriend / whatever Chris is (we're not officially going out, although I thought we were at one point, I think both of us are kinda confused about that so should probably clear that up sometime but I don't really care to be honest), is not that great. Not that I thought it was, but it's something close to hard work. I mean it's good, mostly. And I already knew relationships were hard work, I'm not that stupid. But the question is, can I bothered with that? You're required to do stuff. Not like that. But actually spend time with them and all that jazz, and put in effort. I have to show affection, and God knows, I get really anti social at times. I have teary / sad moments every day and you just gotta stay away from me then. Being alone is good sometimes. Friendships are so much easier...
Not that those things aren't necessary in friendships, but it's more relaxed. You share around. I am fully not saying I want to be in an open relationship type thing, but sigh. So, and I feel a little guilty about this, but I'm kinda glad Chris is going to be away from school for the next week or so. Or at least, I won't see him that long. Being with Jimit was great because I didn't see him so regularly, but even then I'd get sick of being around him, or talking to him all the time. And sometimes I'd cancel when we were supposed to hang out because I didn't feel like it. I don't really have that option here...
Yes, I'm a terrible girlfriend / whatever. I really just don't care enough. Or perhaps I am going through another stage of trying to avoid being in a relationship. But come on, I don't really think I'm ready for one anyway. Although, I probably never will be.
I miss Justin like anything. We're supposed to hang out soon, I hope.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Twilight obsession.
It is getting to the point where I may end up being one of those high school shooter people.
Enough with the tshirts, people. You are not Mrs Edward Cullen. Fuck You. The light in this room is blinking. That worries me. Back to my point. Edward Cullen is not real. Edward Cullen and Bella whateverthefuckherlastnameis are not proof of true love, because they and their relationship is not real. I don't care if his muscles are as smooth as marble and his paleness makes you scream. "Hold on tight spider monkey" because I am about to slap you across the face. I will definitely hurt you. And as for the movie; do not get me started. I can't take it can'ttakeitcan'ttakeit and I may snap and shoot you with a gun I do not have. As yet. Take that as a warning.
The movie is even worse than the books. So much worse. There are lines from the book which feature in it completely out of context and so, to any who have been smart enough to not read the book, makes no sense whatsoever.
Lucky me I got to see it twice in cinemas.
Okay the light just cut out. That's not good.
My own fault; I'd promised my best friend I'd see it with her when it came out (why for the love of god why) and ended up watching it with another friend first when she was in New Zealand. I begged, I pleaded, I cried; all to no avail. She guilted me over that promise and to this day I wish I had just broken my word. How can one explain the pain? Nothing was worth that.
Maths is great. No, really. I have a teacher who looks somewhat like a seal with an obviously fake weird shade of blonde wig and weird grey facial hair; as well as being able to move more silently than a ninja. I swear. He's also my homegroup teacher and we get along like a house on fire. Not really.
I hate my life. He's not that keen on me as a student, I miss homegroup as much as possible, then don't bring notes, deliberately flout his rules and leave homegroup to stand outside in the cool air; I don't listen as he reads out the daily notices, and bring in drinks that aren't water to drink in class, very against him. I talk when he talks, and, basically, am pretty obvious in my dislike of him. No one who tried to replace our homegroup teacher of the last four years was going to be received well by anyone, and I think he can tell.
I have to study for a Maths test and the parentals are home. My sister is making me Easy Mac since I find it too hard. I kid you not. I cannot make it. It doesn't work. Don't ask. I don't know.
Goodbye all.
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