I'm so tired. Thank god a major English assignment is finally out of the way. It's not even worth much so I'm just relieved I have done it, it's handed up and I cannot worry about it anymore. It is done. Nearing the end, it was terrible, but like I said, it's not worth much.
I'm writing a story. I need to find my own style again, I've forgotten it a little, and at the moment am leaching of work that I've been reading. That said, you should constructively critique or just let me know your opinion about what I have written on my other blog. I need to hone my writing skills once more, I'm dreadfully out of practice. I'd love for you to be a part of that, it would be extraordinarily helpful.
I am exhausted. Tonight I'm going to get a decent amount of sleep. If I can. The dreams about them are coming back. If they become as regular as they were again, I'm going to give up on sleeping. I do not want the dreams.
As for Chris, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't feel anything more for him that in a friendship way, again maybe its just after being away from him so long, or maybe it's the haircut. ;P But I really am not coping as well as I would like with schoolwork, and with time for homework, time to relax, see my friends and all that, I don't know if this is going to work anyway. I really don't even think I can put in the effort for a relationship. I like having someone to cuddle with and who is around a lot and stuff. But still.
Everything in life is so confusing.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Miscellanenous
Monday, March 23, 2009
"When I look into your eyes, there's nothing quite as sad as goodbye"
If you have noticed, yes, my last three posts, including this one, have all been titled with lyrics from the same Shannon Noll (Australian Idol runner up years back) song. Yes, Shannon Noll. I know that's shameful for several reasons, but shhh. ;P
The last two were untitled and I happen to be listening to the song in question, and the lyrics seemed to (sorta) fit. Come to think of it, vast amounts of Backstreet Boys lyrics would probably be appropriate for my posts... Yeah that's definitely cause for shame ;P
I hate untitled posts.
I just remembered a dream I had on Friday night which terrified me so much I could not sleep again for hours. The friends, my best friends, although I don't know if I can call them that anymore, although in my mind they still are, and always will be; not the ex best friend (we are talking a little, still), but the other two, were the main feature in it. Nick was in it a little also, and various other people. It was so horrifyingly realistic that right now I want to stop my mind.
I hate the coincidental glances that have the shock of the unexpected moments of eye contact, and I wonder if the deadness I see is reflected in my eyes. It's definitely not reflected within. When I'm taken especially by surprise I literally feel sick.
I don't understand how it could get to this point.
And I can't explain the dream, my remembrance of it has already faded but left me with a dread I can't quite encapsulate in words. This whole thing is so... wrong.
I need some coffee.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I'm in a good, if slightly strange, mood
And yet. Yes, YET ANOTHER POST ABOUT HIM/THEM.
For more diverse topics, see my previous posts of the night (morning) on my sunburn (sigh).
But anyway. So we're talking on MSN. Gotta love 3AM conversations. Actually it died at about 2.39, apparently. So it lasted a fair while this time. Good sign? Perhaps.
I am a very openly emotional person. One of those who will blurt out everything she feels when its not necessarily a good idea. At all. Who feels the need to express her feelings and thoughts and fears about a situation so that everything is understood. And so.
I keep wanting to tell him everything. About how I'm scared to talk to him again because he may do the David thing. Yes, I still have to post about that, so you understand. But, in summary, it involves a friendship that exists on David's whim, where we will be close for a period of a few weeks or months and then he will barely speak to me, and not talk to me for a number of months, before the cycle begins again; with a little bit more than friendship thrown in occasionally too. I used to like him, a lot. Oh, and I don't know if I can trust him, with the conflicting things he has told me, to push me away and bring me back at various times. I'm scared now that my best friend is talking to me again, he will decide he doesn't want to bother anymore sometime and stop, once more, and I'll have to go through it again. HE'S NOT DAVID. But I'm not all that rational...
What else would I like to tell him? How much I miss him, how I would like to sneak out and go for a walk with him, because I think if we spent time together, things would fix themselves pretty much instantly; how I dream of him in a completely non weird way, how I think of him everyday, and try to explain how much he means to me? Should I bring up the whole hooking up thing and explain that it's not to do with that at all, I love him, and as a friend, not as anything more?
Some of this stuff, I know I should keep to myself. Others, I'm not sure. Thoughts?
Monday, January 12, 2009
I fear you the most, more than anything else
I fear you more than death, for you are that which brings fear to death, to the end. The End? That depends on what you choose. And on what is real. I know what I believe about it. And right now, that means it is the end for me. Although an end would be much more merciful.
But this is not about death. Death would be nothing if it didn't factor in you.
How do I explain the mindless terror that strikes as I imagine you? How is it that you arrive at any time you will, coldly? How are you so inescapable? Is there no sanctuary from your dreadful grasp on my soul? How do you capture me even as I am surrounded by those I am loved by?
You follow me everywhere, closer than a shadow. Sometimes you cloak yourself, hidden for a time, but if I look closely, I can find you right where you were when I last noticed. You are manifest in my dreams. Is there nowhere I am to be rid of you?
Alone, alone, alone. It is a chant that echoes painfully through my heart, resounding in the empty halls of my soul. Its truth rings out undeniably. But how am I alone? How, alone, when I live with other people all around? In the midst of my family and closest friends, at times I still feel it; the loneliness. Like a disease I was born with. So far progressed, it is near impossible to be removed. No matter how many relationships I form with others, the feeling of "alone" still persists. If I search, I understand. Something is missing. Someone, perhaps?
I am unique. There is no one like me. How many times have we all been told that? It seems to be thrown at us endlessly at school, etc. I want to be special, I want to be me. With no one else the same. But how lonely, to be someone who is not understood by anyone else, because of my uniqueness, because of how different we are from each other. If we very completely unique we would all be very alone. And it is not just I who fears being alone. Do not most of us fear this too?
And yet, how terrible would it be to be just the same as everyone else? How boring? That is not a conceivable option either. Not for me.
Thankfully being unique does not entail being that different from each other. The way I see it, every different side of it, every different belief will be the same as at least one other person in the world, apart from perhaps minor details. But no one person will have all the same parts and ideas as another, we all have similarities to different people. I have "this" in common with so and so, and "that" in common with whatshisface. Both she and I think the same about "yada yada" and I share a mutual interest with, that girl, that one, you know...
I love this idea, that we are the same and yet completely different to each other. We think differently, act differently, experience different events, believe different things. But I think if we look closely enough, we could find something in common with us and every other person we meet. We all have emotions. We all have been hurt. We all, once at least, had dreams and ambitions, plans. We all have fears. We all have weaknesses. None of us are perfect. And I believe that in all of us, there is this emptiness, this feeling of "alone" that is crying out to be filled. We may not even realise it, it may lie hidden, but active. We may try to fill it with any number of things.
I believe all of us need relationships to thrive. I believe we all need love. Interaction is something we need. When we are hurt from relationships, we can become bitter and turn away. We can stop believing in love. We can run from love. But why do we do this? Because we have been mistreated by those who are supposed to have loved us, we have loved and not had a reciprocation of this love, we may have lost those who we love. In any case, when we flee from love, it is to avoid pain. But if we don't love, then that pain wouldn't be possible (I did say this recently). Whether we believe in love or not, it is there. Invisible, inaudible; you can't taste it or touch it, you can't smell it. It's indescribable in all it's many forms. And yet, it exists, regardless if you accept that or not.
"There is no greater gift than a place to belong. While it may seem that you're selling out to admit you need people, the irony is that you'll never really know yourself unless you're in a healthy community. We only truly come to know ourselbes in the context of others. The more isolated and disconnected we are, the more shattered and distorted our self-identity. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry #17 - Do You Know Who You Are?", I cannot be bothered with proper referencing kthnxbai)"
How could we know if we are selfish or generous unless around others? How do we know if we are self-centred, or kind to others? Who do we have to care about but ourselves? We are influenced by our families as we grow, we look at other people's values and beliefs about life to see if we find they agree with us, and either take them on board or dismiss them, deciding our own that are different. If we have no one to be different from, than we lose our uniqueness. We just are. Just one. We are the norm. We have nothing to compare and contrast against. We are alone. My soul cringes back at the thought of that.
"When we live outside of healthy community, we not only lose others, but we lose ourselves. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry #17 - Do You Know Who You Are?")"
When we treat each other with value, when we care for each other, when we love, we experience the presence of God. More powerful than any data or doctrine, love is the proof of God our souls long for...
"You cannot live without love, and you do not have to.
Yes, there is an insanity to love. You will go mad in pursuing it.
You will despise life itself if you do not find it.
Your soul craves love and will find satisfaction with nothing less.
You shouldn't be surprise that you look for love, you keep running into God...
Love can't be stopped.
Grief is proof that love prevails over death.
You cannot kill love.
I'm not talking about the pervasive counterfeits we often call love. But the kind that fables like The Princess Bride speak of -'true love'. The kind of love that lasts beyond life, that does not end in death, that fills you when you breathe deeply of it and wounds you when you lose it. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. God is love, and he is everywhere.
Love is the essence of the cosmos. Love is the ethos of God. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry 20 - Like A Kiss on the Face")
I don't want to be alone. I wasn't meant to be alone. None of us were...
So many questions.
Postscript - Apologies to those who dislike discussing love. ;p
I'm mentally spasming
how does it hurt this much?
it's been almost 5 months...
maybe more
it's almost her birthday
in 19 days!
i never thought this would go on for so long
i can feel it physically
after that last dream, i want to sleep all the time. because it gave me a possible future that i want but don't think is coming...
i feel so unnecessary.
Flash Player Codes by mailboxdrive.com
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"This love has taken its toll on me"
Why have I been awake since 5 AM? A dream. A dream so ridiculously realistic I (for the first time) didn't know where I was when I woke. I tried writing about it, but it didn't seem right. So I shall try again later.
Acceptance. I desperately, obviously, pathetically long for acceptance. I thought that was more of a particular need of mine, and the way I go about feeling wanted and needed is most certainly not common to everyone. However, I have been reading a book called "Soul Cravings" by Erwin Raphael McManus. It, essentially, looks at the three things that we as humans desire most, at the core of our beings, and attempt to find throughout life. It looks at our "quest for love, quest for destiny, and a quest for meaning". The part on love, at least, is brilliant.
I have skipped to "meaning" and it's not so great for now. But love. It's amazing how much of what has been writing in this section are ideas I have thought, expressed; or if not, resonated within me as something incredibly true. I have begun to understand just a little more of why I do the things I do.
I am an attention seeker. I know I am, however much I hate it. I don't ask for attention in entirely overt ways, but you can see it in the things I do. I don't want to ask for attention, as such, because that would be beside the point for me. Which point?
I have a desperate need to feel loved, wanted, needed. I hate how needy I am. But doesn't everyone need this, after all? Perhaps they don't feel it so consciously as I, but deep within us all, we desire others to value us. We need to be needed. It validates us. It makes our lives meaningful. Of course, there are other things that also give our lives meaning, and we can't live without meaning either; but relationships are a necessary part of humanity. You can deny it, but we are relational creatures.
We may turn our backs on this need, seek to isolate ourselves from everyone else, saying that we don't need anyone else. But why do we do this? Because we have been hurt by others. Which can only happen when we care about others, when we have relationships with others. When we feel the pain is too much to take, we can easily turn away. But turning away doesn't remove our need for others. We were made to be together, to interact, to love. There is an emptiness that comes from somewhere inside us, when there is something of love we are missing.
We abuse love, mistake love, throw away love, ignore and forget love; but at the end of the day, if we don't have love, what do we have?
"The great danger of giving up on love is that we begin to give in to hate. A place where there is no love is toxic to the soul.
When we love, we are moved toward forgiveness.When we allow hate to take over, we begin to live for vengeance."
A life lived in hatred is not my idea of life. It seems like a life where something essential has died, leaving a blackness, a deadness. Forgiveness is important to me. Not forgiveness in which we continue allow ourselves to be hurt. But forgiveness where we accept what another, or we, have done to ourselves or others, acknowledge the hurt, but let it go. It is one of the hardest things to accomplish, forgiving someone who has truly hurt us. And yet, one of the best things we can do in our lives. Sometimes forgiveness just doesn't come in one hit. And it's not always a one off act. You may need to forgive one act, one person, continually. Every minute, every hour, every day, you may wake up and have to forgive. Letting go of pain doesn't come about that easily. But in the end it is the best course to take.
Love is abused.
"Love isn't about volume. Love isn't about conquest. When we live like this [talking about "womanisers"], there's something deeper going on inside us that we're trying to ignore, even drown out. We are alone, disconnected, and deficient in love. Deep down inside we know we cannot fill the vacuum within our souls by consuming people. We are not only robbing others, we are pillaging our own souls.
Eventually it hits you: you cannot take love; you have to give it. Love is a gift that cannot be stolen".
We crave love, and I can see this in my own life, in the lives of people around me, in the writings of people I don't even know.
"How can you make sense of a person who moves from one relationship to another, making her body the object of another's pleasure of abuse, except to acknowledge the painful reality that human beings fear almost nothing more than being alone [On women in abusive relationships]?"
Love is an endless topic and I have much to say; the idea of such a mixture is somewhat terrifying, but it is 6.53 in the morning and I would like some sleep before church. So there will be a part two, I'm sure you're looking forward to it. ^_^ lol.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
SHAZZ
i've been trying to comment your last post but it won't let me, our internet connection is practically dead atm >=|
anyhow.. there are gardening shows on at this time...?
and do they have those porn ads in between still..
i'd also like to point out the fact that i am, in fact, not sleeping. although i'm not watching any tv at all either...
also, just personally, creeped out by the idea of the Sandman. I think the reason is an Enid Blyton book... one of The Wishing Chair ones? No, no, Faraway Tree, and they end up in a bed and the Sandman chucks sand in their eyes and they fall asleep and the bed turns into different things but then whats her face, umm something wash a lot and whatshisname come up too and she wets the sack and then whatshisface slits the sack at the bottom and takes dry sand and throws it in the Sandman's eyes so he falls asleep and then they all maneuvre the bed out of the hole down the tree somehow, they have something that they use to make the bed fly...? so i guess the whole idea of the sandman slightly disturbed me since he was like some awful man who would have trapped them there once the land moved away from the tree...
:/
lol
Friday, November 28, 2008
I'm listening to music I like, that
I heard through Jake. His recommendation. His favourite bands. I dreamt about him again not last night, but the night before, at Hannah's. Nothing suss people, but I have had so many dreams with him...
I can't explain the feeling when I wake up, when he's not there... Not that I mean, physically there, because that would be weird... ;P
When he's not there in my life anymore. And I wake to that reality. And the memory of the dream is still fresh to me, the feelings and emotions, the friendship; and it hurts. That it no longer exists.
That it crumbled, and I didn't even see it coming. I thought it was just another one of our rough patches, and even then not that bad, that it was on the mend, again.
And right now, the pain of what has happened, the pain of not having him, not having my best friend, is so bad it is physically hurting. I don't like to breathe without him in my life. I don't want to breathe without him in my life.
It hurts to be alive without him in my life, to be breathing, sustaining my living, when he's not here! It doesn't make sense, why isn't he here? He should be. It is too much for me to take, that my mind reverts to this childish way of thinking. Selfish. Not understanding, but wanting clearly what I think should be.
It quite literally at this point in time hurts to breathe without him.
But it doesn't make sense.
And it SHOULDN'T be like this.
The nights when I wake, struggling to breathe because of the way it hurts so much, and this applies to Bec and Sacha as well, those are the nights I just cry and cry, if I can find the breath for it, that is. I wasn't lying all the times I told him that I needed him. All the times I told them all I needed them. I'm learning to live without him, to not need him. But I hate that I should have to. Perhaps it is a good thing, somehow. But I don't care. I would rather be friends with him than not, if being friends with him was the worst thing for me...
Jake, I think I'd love you now no matter what. I'd love you even if you were Russian and I never had the chance to know you, I'd love you if you hurt me in every possible way you could, if you tried to hurt me by hurting the other people I love, and I know you wouldn't even do that, but if you did... I still would love you.
I don't love people in a way that's easily thrown off. And you are no different.
I would do anything for you.
And I can't explain, ever, how much I miss you.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
tonight [updated]
I am closer than before to fixing things with Bec and Sach, and I have never in all this time wanted more to absolutely rip my arms to shreds. Hah I have had different ways of wanting to cut, or places, but this, so badly, just to tear up my entire forearms, both of them, like i have ripped up a piece of cloth, so viciously and roughly. The most appropriate word that comes to mind is mauling. The urges come suddenly.
Hah that would be appropriate, spreading the love Toivoa, then coming home and cutting yourself.
I'm SO CLOSE to fixing this.
And so close to losing this game of self preservation.
"A stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart."
Or I suppose I could carve Love into my arm hahhhhh
Like I was gonna write their names, / first letter of their names. haha but i realised how creepy and stalker like. ehh.
I miss Jake.
oh p.s. don't worry, i won't do anything
in addition coz i don't want to keep adding random paragraph long blogs every half an hour or so like, last night or whatever. anyhow. i just want to say. i absolutely hate. how. sacha said, in the latest thing of this email. that I seem fine without them. !!! Obviously I do a better job of covering up around them then I thought. I mean, I try to act normally, but for the most part, I tend to completely forget what I'm saying / doing when they are around, my mind loses any coherency. And I think about them a million times a day, I don't sleep because I miss them too much and they are in all my dreams >=| I just wish they knew how much I actually do miss them and need them and am not just "fine" without them. But like, I can't tell them. I don't want to do that, it comes across insincere and like I'm looking to make them feel bad and guilt them back into being friends. And I don't want that. But I do wish they knew how much I am not fine without them... they should know they mean more to me than that..
Friday, November 7, 2008
I wanna write a story
Finished my Nutrition assignment. It's worth 20% of my grade, ehh I think I was pretty thorough. Bit worried I was a little too detailed, actually. It's a really assignment too, so did I put too much work in? I have learned the hard way that you can get marked down for doing too much work. Which is fair enough, having all this unnecessary work to sift through for a teacher. But ehh. I'm not too bothered regardless.
However. I have a craving. I want to write. I want to write a story. I need inspiration. I hate writer's block. That said, this block has still let me write my little child abuse story and my, friend dies story over the past year. But come on, two stories, and before that? Barely anything. Sigh. Friend dies one, ehhh. Born of absolute necessity. And from a dream. Flimsy storyline. Realistic enough to me, but not satisfying for a story. Yeah the abuse one, ehhhhh, not happy with the start. And I find it too hard to completely rewrite a story or part of one, having the old way written stuck in my mind and getting in the way. I have had to do it, but ugh. It was hard.
Anyway. I need an idea. I feel refreshed, happy my work is done, just ate an apple [which does make you more alert..], caffeine is still in my system. I am energisssssed, don't let me waste it. Actually mother dearest would shoot me if she came in and saw me still up and done with homework, she wasn't happy i was up at 2, i think the last time she checked. It's fair enough, her and dad are worried how i'm barely sleeping. I told them I went to sleep last night at 12. Add another 4 hours on and you've got it right. 4 hours sleep or 8. Slight difference. Yeah I went to bed at 4. Past that actually. So... =/ I won't tell them why. They want to know. What are they gonna do, stop me dreaming? Actually I don't think the dreams would come anymore anyway. But I'm scared to risk it. And now I'm in the habit. I get more work done at night. I like the night. Feeling like you're the only one up. The only one alive. Like, not wasting the time sleeping, getting stuff done instead. It's kind of... good. I dunno. It's not good, I know.
STORY STORY STORY
Come on brain, give me something.
AND GUYS, read my last blog (:
it's long but it might actually be worth it yeahhhh
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Dreams, Wishes and Forgotten Kisses ^_^
I wish I was never friends with him
The memories hurt too much
And they're always flooding over into my brain
I want to throw a nearby plate at my mum's face ^_^
She just said something about how "Sacha won't come knocking on the door this Halloween, will she?"
agh
Sacha and Callum did that a couple of years ago, year 9 I believe.
blah blah
Does the woman ever fucking listen to herself? Does she hear what she is saying???
My god. I am not going to cry again.
I am not going to fucking cry.
I want to sneak out and go for a walk with him at night again, sit at the park freezing, play fighting and talking. I never thought our friendship would end so soon. And never like this.
Get the fuck out of my head! Please...
Heartbreak comes in all shapes and sizes
and types too. And my heart is breaking, even more, over losing my best friend. I know that there is still a possibility with the other two, until there is no hope there I will keep myself somewhat together. But I don't think there is any hope whatsoever with him. And I need him. So much. Not even him, our friendship. Who am I kidding, I need him too. Of course I can never recreate that friendship with anyone else. Hah why am I talking to Paul a bit now, just, if I'm honest, to feel that little bit closer to him. Oh god. And even if he is talking to me, even if he's calling me an annoying cunt, God I would rather that than nothing, I can't take nothing, and even when he is saying anything, over bloody last.fm posts, I can't take that either.
I just, just hate that he could throw it away so, so easily. I hate how it meant so little to him when it meant practically everything to me. Our smallest arguments before that he didn't even see as arguments, sent me into massive freakouts and crying fits. I always knew this friendship was more to me than him, but I didn't think it would ever matter.
I feel so torn, wrenched apart inside. Jake you are breaking my heart. I don't want to live without you. I want you, I need you so much. I miss you so much. I can't even escape missing you in sleep, you're always in my dreams, dreams that I can't stand. hah nothing suss people, it's all normal friendship type stuff...
Jake I would give anything, I swear. Anything to fix this. I need you.
I miss you, so much.
Am I just being stupid? Some lady at my church, her husband has died. She will keep going on. But in some ways I think this is more painful, it is not of their choosing. I wouldn't know, I can't say, who am I to judge, I have never had anyone really close to me leave through death. My dad says I rely too much on people, I base my happiness and life on them. Which is why everything has fallen apart. I guess he's right.
People matter to me. Is that fucking wrong?
Shit, I'm crying again. Toivoa you're fucking pathetic. I just, want him to miss me at least. I want to know that he does care, just a little, after all. That he didn't let go of this so easily.
But he doesn't miss me, doesn't care, and he let go of our friendship like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. And this just keeps coming back.
Apologies, Glances and Messed up Chances
I miss him so much.
It physically hurts.
And I know he doesn't care.
No way am I going to sleep early tonight, not after my dreams two nights ago.
I can't stand this.
I want him back.
I want my fucking best friend back.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Trapped
Perhaps "Alone" is rather a more appropriate title than "Trapped", or "Lonely", "Isolation", "Cut off"... or even "The Fear of Falling"...
hah. Well, see, it's 11.11. My sister + my mum have collaborated together to remove the internet cable, so, since I have no credit, access to my dad's phone, blah blah, not to mention of course not the home phone, I am completely cut off from any outside contact. By the way, make a wish quickly :P
I am not superstitious in regards to making wishes, whether at 11.11 or on shooting stars, or anything. I am not very superstitious at all...
And yet, the romanticism of the idea of wishing on a star, or at 11.11, is something that strikes me.
I like to at least make note of the idea... How I wish magic was real. How many times I have gone over this with Jake, or that Star Wars was real lol.
It is somewhat the same in how I wish life was a musical, where everyone could break into song and synchronised dance, knowing all the words with everyone being to sing well, and cars would magically stop driving along a particular stretch of road as you and a bunch of other people burst out and began singing + dancing along it. hah. I guess one can see from this that I have a longing for a life that is unrealistic, a movie or storybook tale... Not in a completely delusional way, but I wish that it were real all the same. I love the idea of those things, I would love for them to be true, they capture my fancy in a way that has held me since I was young, although I never believed in any of it then either.
Mmm moving on. I hate when I get like this, I want to work out with Emma if I'm going to be able to meet up with her briefly tomorrow while we're both in town / the bay, eee I'm heaps excited for if I see her but I don't know coz I can't get on MySpace, she might be getting her phone taken off her coz she keeps going over her cap and, there's the whole, not having credit either, but then she doesn't have my number I don't think anyway. Agh. I keep saying "eee", I hated it when I first saw people using that lol. Sigh.
But when I say, "when I get like this", I mean get into this situation. It's not even not contacting people, it's more knowing that if I needed to, I can't get in touch with anyone. And I like to have that reassurance. Not having that freaks me out. It really stresses me and thus makes something wrong so that I do need to be able to talk to someone to calm down, and then I can't. It's terrible. I have a slight tightness in my chest, but not too bad. I'm ignoring it, as per usual.
This is going to be posted sometime tomorrow morning. I'm so tempted to let myself sleep, I fell asleep for maybe an hour at around 6 this evening, but obviously still so sleep deprived, okay I have been sleeping in the spare room for the last week or so, which is where the computer is. I made myself a playlist of songs I would like to sleep to. This playlist is 6 hours long. I put it on just before I go to sleep, falling asleep is not a problem because I have already kept myself up way too late. And not once yet has that list played all the way through.
I am sleeping far less than 6 hours every night. But I cannot bear the dreams. As it is, I still get them a little. But not so often. And that is a relief.
Mmm I'm thinking I might go sit outside on the driveway, watch the cars go by, the lights up on the hill. My eyes will inevitably, at a number of times, be drawn to Jake's house, not surprising considering it's dead ahead. I'll remember so much, all the times I have waited for him at that very spot, when we went for walks. I miss that. I used to be terrified of the dark. But it's not so bad. Not the dark so much as the shadows, not so much the shadows as what could be hidden in them. I have something of a fertile imagination, and a touch of paranoia.
I'll remember conversations we've had, moments we shared. And I will miss him more than anything and it's highly likely I will have the urge to hurt myself, especially considering I have there before, there's a lot of blood been seeped into those pavers, a lot of pain around there, if inanimate objects can take on a little of the emotions they are subjected to. Another thing I don't believe in but would like to be real.
I won't give in, of course. But it's the temptation I don't like. And I am so tired, so tired. There have been times in the past I have sat there, so drowsy I have become fearful of falling asleep, but taking another 20 or so minutes to gather the strength to get up and come back inside, that drained of energy. I need sleep, I know, I can't go on like this. But I am hope hope hoping this matter will be resolved soon enough that I will soon be able to sleep without fear of repercussion in the form of dreams I can't stand. They're not nightmares. It is, in part, the feeling I experience when I wake and know that the dreams aren't reality, that is so... off putting, to completely miss the mark in description. Or, the opposite, to be glad it is not like it was in the dreams, but the thought so dreadful I cannot rid it from my mind fast enough. Even my occasional dreams of friends or family dying don't deter me from sleep, because I know they are just that. Occasional. The last one being about Jake. Waking up crying. I texted him, the time being something like 5 am, wanting to ask if he was okay, but knowing it was stupid, that it was only a dream. Still fearful. Just "I love you". Eventually returning to sleep. His reply at a reasonable hour that morning, "I love you too." My eventual explanation.
What I would give to have him say that to me now. My favourite message on my phone, I loved it at the time but now it is incredibly bittersweet; "I walked into a wall just now. I love you :)"
It made me so happy, he not being the kind to say "I love you" often at all, and barely ever first off, more often in reply. It was pretty funny. This was at about 2.39 in the morning, just having gotten off MSN to each other. Another thing I would give anything to have now, talking to each other on MSN till he left or I fell asleep aha. And that was one of the cutest messages.
Yeah in case you hadn't guessed, I'm leaving sitting out on the driveway for another night. This is making me feel less lonely, writing this. It's like talking to someone else. Like, in hospital. That night. Phone w/ credit dead. Then my new, broken phone running out of battery, since it barely had any, thus no music. Thankfully I had my diary key in my pocket of my jeans randomly that day. And so I got mum to bring me my diary. Hah I wonder what she would do to be able to look inside that bag ^_^
I ended writing in my diary till 2 30 or something, that morning, just talking about stuff, I didn't want to recount what happened, so I told my diary it would have to wait, and just talked about so much stuff. It's kindah like talking to someone else, as I said ^^^. It really helped. I treat my diary like a person. I write to it as I would talk to another person, as I would talk to another me I suppose. Because I know it is trustworthy, it understands me, for it is me after all. I keep a diary for various reasons, and I try to keep in mind that I will change, even more than I already have, and in many years to come, I may not think in the same way whatsoever. So I do give as much explanation as I can, and also in the even that someone else may read it, should I ever choose to let them. Shazz has read bits and pieces of my diary from year 9, late last year, and even though then it was over a year old, and did, indeed seem trivial, I was incredibly uncomfortable about it, although I let her. Ashlea, in year 8, read bits of my diary from year 7, but same deal there. I don't know. In the future, yeah I might be okay with someone reading really old stuff, but I dunno. I'm a fairly open person, but there is a point where it breaches my level of comfort in regards to privacy.
My counsellor suggested that some day she may be able to see my diary. ^_^ I hate saying "my counsellor". Ew I have a regular counsellor. How fucked up does that make me sound/ feel. Egh. I know, I know, blah blah it's not, etc etc, but the facts don't change the way I feel. Ehhh
Mmm I heaps like her though, even though Miss Cynical Toivoa is all like blah blah she only does it for the money blah blah. Shut up. Anyhow, I dunno. Seriously considering it, I immediately shy away from the idea. Of course. And she understands that.
But part of me wants to, the part that craaaaves other people to understand me. Of course this part also expects that people will understand me at my deepest levels and also accept me... This part is unrealistic and I know that. There are some people who would be able to do that, and some who wouldn't. "It takes all types to make the world go 'round" and all that. I accept that. But there is still that annoying, extremely needy part of me that wants that. And perhaps a part of me that wants to expose myself, hoping that I will be accepted, not even expecting that acceptance, but praying desperately that Toivoa, all her flaws and failures, everything she is, will be good enough for other people when they see it. Yes, that is a definite. I love analysing myself lol.
Particularly since she suggested it. ^_^
If I had thought of it myself, I wouldn't have seriously considered it because I would not want to inconvenience her. How many people really really want to be able to see inside another's mind? Oh, they might think they do, but if they had the chance, would they realise that was a bad idea? I think a lot of people might regret such a want.
I am very tentative at the risk of being a burden to other people, I am more past the stage of not wanting to offend people to the point where I agree with most things they say, trivial things. I have always tended to stand up for the things I really believe in, but in a number of things, I used to try to agree with everyone, not wanting to give anyone the chance to dislike me. However, I am, thankfully, past that, since it is ridiculous to think that a disagreeable on something would necessarily be off putting to another. Different viewpoints are the things that add flavour and diversity to life. Who's to say just one of these is right? It may be that one, or more, or all are correct. Or none, even.
Let me just state here that I do not believe truth is relative. Regardless of whether one believes in Santa or not, the truth is that he does not exist. Or if, per se, I am wrong, and Santa does exist, regardless of my belief that he doesn't, he still does. ^_^ yes? I am not entirely sure of what "per se" means or it's correct usage, soooo forgive me if that doesn't work, and I don't think it does, quite. hahaha ;P
Anyhow, thankfully, I am well past that phase in my life. Yet this still "not wanting to be troublesome to others in any possible way" concept of mine is sometimes taken a bit to the extreme. Sigh.
I suppose it will lower with the rise of my self esteem. Hah I love this accepting myself thing. It's rather intoxicating, being okay with who I am as a person. Eeeee (: Not thinking I am great, but thinking that I am equal to others, thinking my opinions are worth something, that I am worth something. It is amazing, after having been so negative towards myself all these years. I really cannot explain the feeling it gives me at times. Mmm
Oh, it's 12.08AM.
But I can honestly say, I am considering it, this diary thing. Not ready yet, but it's a possibility, maybe, a bit further down the line. Who knows? The future is ahead of me, filled with innumerous possibilities, and this road could lead anywhere.
xx
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Living in the here and now
^^^ That is what I have decided to try to do, to an extent. Focus on things close at hand rather than the past, I'm terrible for looking back and wishing to change things; and looking forward too far and thus freaking out, but ah well.
Random point, last night when I said that I'm empathetic. At the same time, I tend to forget that not everyone thinks the same as me. Most people will interpret the same message and looks differently to how I will, will take wrong meanings when I or others meant something completely different, they will have perspectives on the same subject that seem as obviously right to them as my own, different view will seem to me. I keep using "different" in this paragraph, I apologise, I'd come up with a different word but, I can't be bothered.
I am far too idealistic, I know that. I like to think the best, I like to think that people overall are good and generous and loving, I like to think that we can solve major world problems. Don't disillusion me too much... I'd like to hang onto a little innocence, deluded or not. Another word for this, of course, is naivety, but maybe being slightly naive is not always a bad thing. I like to dream, I make huge plans for things not likely to happen but I half believe we can do it. I just don't really have the motivation to follow through with it I guess.
I have decided on a strategy of Toivoa well-being (:
Today I didn't have time for breakfast but, since mum stopped buying it, bought some Choc Up & Go from the canteen this morning mmmm um num num (: Hah. And took my tablets, made sure to moisturise my scars with that stuff to help get rid of them, the ones on my leg, to be honest I love my scars, I love those scars, I only want them gone so I can wear shorts to school. I'm heaps devastated I lost my pictures of when I made them, and they were glistening with blood. >.>
Forgive me, if you are reading this, take note that I have an unhealthy fascination with blood that goes way beyond any kind of normalcy, and also scars, I have in fact had a scar that took me a couple of weeks to make, that I just wanted to have a scar in the shape of a heart, I didn't do it for any particular self harm reasons, I would not even define it as self harm. I wanted that scar. It didn't turn out so well. But yeah it was not about the pain, it was a little about the pleasure of bleeding (and trust me, that does not mean I like having my period, ewwww), I am slightly morbid at times, although a fascination with blood does not necessarily mean fascination with death, in fact death repels me rather a lot... So morbid is not, perhaps, the right word. However, I do think about dying a lot. Not even in a vaguely suicidal way. Okay okay, there are occasions. But those thoughts are beyond my control, leaving me panicked and struggling to breathe...
But yes, I accidentally deleted those of my phone before uploading them, apart from a couple, just of my leg covered in blood, and the one of my hand with blood on it, mmm. Sorry, it does give me a peverse sense of happiness. I, yeah, I am an odd one. Forgive me. I feel guilty for that, it is something that is not... right, I feel. It is not something I would readily admit to either. Mmm Jake and I have discussed this, I have talked over so much stuff with him, strange considering how closed off he is. And I know he always felt bad about not being able to say anything to make me feel better when I was upset, but his support, knowing that he cared, that was enough! I wish I had managed to make him believe this, I wish I had been able to do more for him. Since some of you know him, I don't have the freedom to talk about him all that much, some things are not really for me to share. Mm.
But anyhow, I have decided that I need to take a stand for myself, take the initiative to being happy, doing what I know is best. Letting, as Amanda says, the strong Toivoa take over. I wouldn't define her as the strong Toivoa, the right but weaker Toivoa. God definitely brought me into contact with Amanda for a reason. She is so similar to me, has had a lot of the same thoughts, experiences as me; understands the way I think. And I am so lucky I trusted her.
Wow, I go off on as massive tangents as Mr Clark haha. I should attempt to structure this; but eh. Later, other blogs. I'm nervous nervous nervous, first conversation with Bec and Sacha in ages, through emails, it's scary and it's filling me with the small flame of hope, hope I do not yet want to feel. I'm more scared of getting hurt than I realised, I'm not sure if things can be worked out, and I don't want to hope in vain. But still I cannot smother the burning. I'm hoping and hoping so painfully, I don't know if I can take it. I'm on the edge of my seat, hoping, hoping, if it hadn't been so long and I hadn't grown so distant from these things, I would be praying, so so edgy.
My blogs are really too long, but I have so much to ramble on about. I have got to try what Amanda said, to realise thoughts and emotions can come into my mind which aren't mine, from tv, etc, and I have to learn to recognise these bad ones that come in and shouldn't be there, and let them go. I will keep my blogs shorter from now on, I promise.
Now the email.
Thus far. So scared. No reason to hope, and yet I am. Hope is not a myth. Thank God for that. But in this situation, I am not ready to hope.
But, for the past three hours, I have had the "post comment" page open on Shazz's blog, and I don't know what to say. Words can't make it better. I have contributed to her pain. I know that. I want to make it better. I don't want her to feel alone. But I don't know how to communicate everything I feel. That has been one of my biggest problems lately.
I have been combing through old TWLOHA blogs, trying to find the "Hope is not a myth" one to hyperlink where I wrote it before, I just read some of the ones where Jamie and Trisha etc went to India. This stood out. "People were made to be free." In this context, it is talking about literal slavery, but people should be free, from feeling alone, from the mental trap we set ourselves. Free from that broken part of us, that failing of the human condition. We deserve to be free of self doubt, and self hatred, etc. I can't express what I mean adequately.
I love how Jamie, and everyone in TWLOHA, acknowledges the very real pain and tragedy all across the world in all its different forms, and yet they do not simply accept it as a fact, like many people. They present the fact that hope is real, they bring hope to the hopeless; they work to change that. I love how it shows so clearly, that one person can change the world. One voice can make a difference.
Hope is still so real in this dark and corrupted world. That fills me with something I can't explain, having that assurance. I guess, it's hope, in something strangely ironic. The idea of hope fills me with hope. But apt, I suppose.
Mmm, I need to do homework. And comment on Shazz's blog.
One small thing.
"Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, I want to see you."
p.s. last night i let myself fall asleep by 12, i had 3 dreams, two with jake and other random people, in the library hah. and one with sacha and bec. not good. kept waking up. i'm gonna keep myself up again later tonight. sigh.
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