Sometimes, words fail.

Or maybe it is not the words that fail, but our ability to use them.

I stand by my belief that while forgiveness is the hardest thing sometimes, it is the most personally rewarding if it can be done. If you can let it be done.

Not being able to forgive just makes things worse. for you.

Just sayin'.

I love you and this sucks. I hope it gets better, somehow.

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Hi, I'm Toivoa and I want to save the world

Really.

Yes, I did switch back to "Toivoa", I'm a little attached now and besides, I've had the encouragement from a couple of my blogging friends to do so, since they also like it. It may change again at a later date, but for now, I remain Toivoa.

I wish I had the power to make everyone happy. But more than that, I wish I could make things right for everyone. As I've come to realise, being happy doesn't mean that what is causing this is right, and, in the long term, can cause more damage than good. More often than not, what is right is painful, and hard, and sometimes we do not see the reward even in this life. But it should be done because it is right. You may say that I see the world in black and white, but I do see the many shades of grey. However, on some things, there are only two options. I do not believe that truth is relative. If we say that Santa is real, if we believe that Santa is real, that does not change the fact that he is real. In the times of believing the earth was flat, it was still round. If we believed that we should give way to our left rather than our right here in Australia, the road rules remain the same and we would be screwed... If we believe we should kill someone for such and such a reason, that does not mean we are right, no matter how it is justified in our minds (and I hope none of my readers believe they should kill anyone, that's a little bit disturbing...) Yeah, I don't understand where I come up with half of my examples either.
Anyway, I believe you can see the point I am trying to make.

What makes this so much more confusing is how right and wrong are often mixed in together. In the bible study I am dragged along to on Sundays by my parents (please note the use of the word "dragged", this is not of my choosing by any stretch of the imagination), we have just looked at how Satan does this. I brought this point up actually. (Ironically, I'd be a great Christian if we based such things on biblical knowledge in regards to age; I'm pretty well informed, for my age. I also have been memorising verses of Scripture literally since the time I could speak sentences. But we'll see.) What is done, though, time and time again, is a lie wrapped in with the truth, or a shred of truth woven through a lie. Of course, ultimately, this whole thing is untrue, but what is so horribly devious about this is how we can see the truth there...

I had learnt this myself, that in lying to my parents, if it was to be as believable as possible, I should make it as truthful I could. For instance, if I was going to hang out just with a guy, I'd say that I was going with them, but also with at least one other girl or a few more people.
That's why knowing what the right thing is, in so many cases, so hard to figure out. Life isn't black and white, it's full of different shades, and we haven't even mentioned the colours!

One thing I struggle with majorly is the verse in Scripture that states that "the heart of man is deceitful above all things". To say that we are liars at the core of our beings is something I am not reconciled with. I always search for the good in people, that is why, even in the majority of terrible people, I find a justification of their actions, however slight; at least understanding the reasons why they have done such a thing, what may have pushed them to do so. I take away the blame from them even just a little, because I believe that there is good in everyone, because I am highly sympathetic. But is that really true? I'm not sure. (Look, I'm a teenager. And I'm admitting to not being sure about something... I must be learning to temper my pride... Hah oh GOD I need some more coffee. Or sleep.)

Believing the best of everyone isn't a good thing. It can lead to being easily deceived. Gullible, as some would say. I am very gullible. I forgive countless times; and David springs to mind here. Liar liar liar screams an inner voice nearly every time I talk to him these days, but there are numerous times beforehand when I have ignored that voice and trusted him once more.
I believe that forgiveness is very important, but it doesn't mean that one must trust the person again, for that can be foolish. [I should take my own words on board here.]

I am more cynical than I once was, but I do still take people at face value, I do trust people too easily. It is the opposite of mistrusting everyone, but it is not the better of the two, a balance is needed. While I hate the sound of the word "prudence", in itself is something I need to gain. This will only come with time and experience, I think...

Anyway, I have a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her, more than once, with his ex girlfriend. Not just a hook up, but they slept together, several times, behind her back. He also had considered suicide and faced depression blah, all that jazz, and I had discussed these with him a couple of times while said friend was favourably disposed towards him, aka when they were still a couple. Even when she hated him, and rightly so, I still kinda felt sorry for him... Please don't hurt me, you, his thankfully ex-girlfriend! See, I sympathise with people too easily...

I just wish I could help every person who is upset, I hate to see people upset, and I hate to be helpless and unable to make them feel better, at the least. I would give anything to be able to do this for people...

[Yeah that ^^^ was pretty much the original point of this post but it's kinda flat, I had someone distracting me and I was trying not to cry... I'm sensitive to being guilt tripped, like I said recently, even if it's as a joke, and I'm actually really upset at the moment lol. Don't ask.]

Yeah anyway, you know that coffee I mentioned? Considering my last was an hour ago, I really need to take myself up on that suggestion. Face it. Admit it or not, you love my early morning ramblings in which I try to sound mature and pass off my sixteen years of experience as tried and tested and set in stone realisations about life, managing only to show that sleep helps to bring down the random tangents and possibly even lend structure to my writing, which is why I should possibly indulge in a little more of it...
Or perhaps I should just stop here.

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I don't need you, and the truth is...

sometimes, and here I mean "nearly constantly", I don't want you either.
I find myself thinking how much I would love to leave you. I could so easily cut the ties with all of you. And to be honest. I would barely look back. You're just another link to this thing that pains me the most, and if I'd been offered my escape earlier, at a plausible time, I would have gone. Hesitated, yes. But things as they are, I would have gone. I'd call, text, write. Smile and wave when bumping into each other. Out of guilt. Occasionally. As long as I felt I had to. I might even have cried when I left. But I'd let you go.
And it's not that I don't love you. But it would be easier, so much easier. Others I'd miss more than others. Some I'd keep in contact with. I can think of four. But the others, I'd be too busy missing them to have much left over for you. I'd have had a perfect new set up to enter. Keep up the social relations I so desire, and not let any friendship but hers develop to anything as close as before. At least not in which I was the confider.
I'm putting up the walls and that's all there is to it. Wanting to move away from all that has the potential for pain. Tearing out one chapter of my life.
I'd do it if I could.
And I can't even say I'm sorry, because I don't know if I am.
Either way, your forgiveness is not necessary.

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"This love has taken its toll on me"

Why have I been awake since 5 AM? A dream. A dream so ridiculously realistic I (for the first time) didn't know where I was when I woke. I tried writing about it, but it didn't seem right. So I shall try again later.

Acceptance. I desperately, obviously, pathetically long for acceptance. I thought that was more of a particular need of mine, and the way I go about feeling wanted and needed is most certainly not common to everyone. However, I have been reading a book called "Soul Cravings" by Erwin Raphael McManus. It, essentially, looks at the three things that we as humans desire most, at the core of our beings, and attempt to find throughout life. It looks at our "quest for love, quest for destiny, and a quest for meaning". The part on love, at least, is brilliant.

I have skipped to "meaning" and it's not so great for now. But love. It's amazing how much of what has been writing in this section are ideas I have thought, expressed; or if not, resonated within me as something incredibly true. I have begun to understand just a little more of why I do the things I do.

I am an attention seeker. I know I am, however much I hate it. I don't ask for attention in entirely overt ways, but you can see it in the things I do. I don't want to ask for attention, as such, because that would be beside the point for me. Which point?

I have a desperate need to feel loved, wanted, needed. I hate how needy I am. But doesn't everyone need this, after all? Perhaps they don't feel it so consciously as I, but deep within us all, we desire others to value us. We need to be needed. It validates us. It makes our lives meaningful. Of course, there are other things that also give our lives meaning, and we can't live without meaning either; but relationships are a necessary part of humanity. You can deny it, but we are relational creatures.

We may turn our backs on this need, seek to isolate ourselves from everyone else, saying that we don't need anyone else. But why do we do this? Because we have been hurt by others. Which can only happen when we care about others, when we have relationships with others. When we feel the pain is too much to take, we can easily turn away. But turning away doesn't remove our need for others. We were made to be together, to interact, to love. There is an emptiness that comes from somewhere inside us, when there is something of love we are missing.

We abuse love, mistake love, throw away love, ignore and forget love; but at the end of the day, if we don't have love, what do we have?

"The great danger of giving up on love is that we begin to give in to hate. A place where there is no love is toxic to the soul.

When we love, we are moved toward forgiveness.When we allow hate to take over, we begin to live for vengeance."

A life lived in hatred is not my idea of life. It seems like a life where something essential has died, leaving a blackness, a deadness. Forgiveness is important to me. Not forgiveness in which we continue allow ourselves to be hurt. But forgiveness where we accept what another, or we, have done to ourselves or others, acknowledge the hurt, but let it go. It is one of the hardest things to accomplish, forgiving someone who has truly hurt us. And yet, one of the best things we can do in our lives. Sometimes forgiveness just doesn't come in one hit. And it's not always a one off act. You may need to forgive one act, one person, continually. Every minute, every hour, every day, you may wake up and have to forgive. Letting go of pain doesn't come about that easily. But in the end it is the best course to take.

Love is abused.

"Love isn't about volume. Love isn't about conquest. When we live like this [talking about "womanisers"], there's something deeper going on inside us that we're trying to ignore, even drown out. We are alone, disconnected, and deficient in love. Deep down inside we know we cannot fill the vacuum within our souls by consuming people. We are not only robbing others, we are pillaging our own souls.

Eventually it hits you: you cannot take love; you have to give it. Love is a gift that cannot be stolen".

We crave love, and I can see this in my own life, in the lives of people around me, in the writings of people I don't even know.

"How can you make sense of a person who moves from one relationship to another, making her body the object of another's pleasure of abuse, except to acknowledge the painful reality that human beings fear almost nothing more than being alone [On women in abusive relationships]?"

Love is an endless topic and I have much to say; the idea of such a mixture is somewhat terrifying, but it is 6.53 in the morning and I would like some sleep before church. So there will be a part two, I'm sure you're looking forward to it. ^_^ lol.

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Purely Materialistic ++ Pain and Forgiveness

I couldn't get near a computer last night and so, I thought I'd blog on paper.... blog, yes ^_^ I decided to scan it in inside of typing it up... enjoy reading my handwriting ;P

I also used an A5 book for this, therefore this is 16 or so of those pages, a little frustrating perhaps, but I know you're up to the challenge ;D

[i fucking love waiting to upload pics and and then copy paste in html for all of them... not. since Windows Live Writer is being gay and stuffing up with uploading so many pics, which i guess is fair enough but aghhh. if i weren't so persistent i'd have given up instead of going to all this trouble. appreciate >.< lol]



















Scanner went retarded

















I dunno what happens to my mind at night.. /shrugs


Sigh, that took forever...

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