If I could, I would tear down the walls that exist between my best friends and I. I would let nothing come between us ever again, for nothing ever should. These walls that now exist are more painful than any other form of loss, for we are still in proximity to each other, still in the same circles, but separated by something more powerful and terrible than space and time; too much hurt and loss of trust, but not yet a loss of love.
Click here.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Walls
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Hi, I'm Toivoa and I want to save the world
Really.
Yes, I did switch back to "Toivoa", I'm a little attached now and besides, I've had the encouragement from a couple of my blogging friends to do so, since they also like it. It may change again at a later date, but for now, I remain Toivoa.
I wish I had the power to make everyone happy. But more than that, I wish I could make things right for everyone. As I've come to realise, being happy doesn't mean that what is causing this is right, and, in the long term, can cause more damage than good. More often than not, what is right is painful, and hard, and sometimes we do not see the reward even in this life. But it should be done because it is right. You may say that I see the world in black and white, but I do see the many shades of grey. However, on some things, there are only two options. I do not believe that truth is relative. If we say that Santa is real, if we believe that Santa is real, that does not change the fact that he is real. In the times of believing the earth was flat, it was still round. If we believed that we should give way to our left rather than our right here in Australia, the road rules remain the same and we would be screwed... If we believe we should kill someone for such and such a reason, that does not mean we are right, no matter how it is justified in our minds (and I hope none of my readers believe they should kill anyone, that's a little bit disturbing...) Yeah, I don't understand where I come up with half of my examples either.
Anyway, I believe you can see the point I am trying to make.
What makes this so much more confusing is how right and wrong are often mixed in together. In the bible study I am dragged along to on Sundays by my parents (please note the use of the word "dragged", this is not of my choosing by any stretch of the imagination), we have just looked at how Satan does this. I brought this point up actually. (Ironically, I'd be a great Christian if we based such things on biblical knowledge in regards to age; I'm pretty well informed, for my age. I also have been memorising verses of Scripture literally since the time I could speak sentences. But we'll see.) What is done, though, time and time again, is a lie wrapped in with the truth, or a shred of truth woven through a lie. Of course, ultimately, this whole thing is untrue, but what is so horribly devious about this is how we can see the truth there...
I had learnt this myself, that in lying to my parents, if it was to be as believable as possible, I should make it as truthful I could. For instance, if I was going to hang out just with a guy, I'd say that I was going with them, but also with at least one other girl or a few more people.
That's why knowing what the right thing is, in so many cases, so hard to figure out. Life isn't black and white, it's full of different shades, and we haven't even mentioned the colours!
One thing I struggle with majorly is the verse in Scripture that states that "the heart of man is deceitful above all things". To say that we are liars at the core of our beings is something I am not reconciled with. I always search for the good in people, that is why, even in the majority of terrible people, I find a justification of their actions, however slight; at least understanding the reasons why they have done such a thing, what may have pushed them to do so. I take away the blame from them even just a little, because I believe that there is good in everyone, because I am highly sympathetic. But is that really true? I'm not sure. (Look, I'm a teenager. And I'm admitting to not being sure about something... I must be learning to temper my pride... Hah oh GOD I need some more coffee. Or sleep.)
Believing the best of everyone isn't a good thing. It can lead to being easily deceived. Gullible, as some would say. I am very gullible. I forgive countless times; and David springs to mind here. Liar liar liar screams an inner voice nearly every time I talk to him these days, but there are numerous times beforehand when I have ignored that voice and trusted him once more.
I believe that forgiveness is very important, but it doesn't mean that one must trust the person again, for that can be foolish. [I should take my own words on board here.]
I am more cynical than I once was, but I do still take people at face value, I do trust people too easily. It is the opposite of mistrusting everyone, but it is not the better of the two, a balance is needed. While I hate the sound of the word "prudence", in itself is something I need to gain. This will only come with time and experience, I think...
Anyway, I have a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her, more than once, with his ex girlfriend. Not just a hook up, but they slept together, several times, behind her back. He also had considered suicide and faced depression blah, all that jazz, and I had discussed these with him a couple of times while said friend was favourably disposed towards him, aka when they were still a couple. Even when she hated him, and rightly so, I still kinda felt sorry for him... Please don't hurt me, you, his thankfully ex-girlfriend! See, I sympathise with people too easily...
I just wish I could help every person who is upset, I hate to see people upset, and I hate to be helpless and unable to make them feel better, at the least. I would give anything to be able to do this for people...
[Yeah that ^^^ was pretty much the original point of this post but it's kinda flat, I had someone distracting me and I was trying not to cry... I'm sensitive to being guilt tripped, like I said recently, even if it's as a joke, and I'm actually really upset at the moment lol. Don't ask.]
Yeah anyway, you know that coffee I mentioned? Considering my last was an hour ago, I really need to take myself up on that suggestion. Face it. Admit it or not, you love my early morning ramblings in which I try to sound mature and pass off my sixteen years of experience as tried and tested and set in stone realisations about life, managing only to show that sleep helps to bring down the random tangents and possibly even lend structure to my writing, which is why I should possibly indulge in a little more of it...
Or perhaps I should just stop here.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Question;
Who makes me the happiest?
a) Justin
b) Jake, back in the day
c) Jimit
d) James
Answer: Justin or Jake.
I only really threw James in so you can notice the weird thing I seem to have for guys whose names start with J, although he's great, we just aren't that close.
Jimit is easily ruled out, it irritates me how he never talks about important stuff. Just everyday things, I don't really like relationships of any kind without that deeper aspect, especially when you've been friends for over a year. Even though when I liked him he made me heaps happy. But not as much as Jake.
Seeing Jake or talking to him always made me smile, I was devastated everytime he was sad or angry at me even. With Justin, things are much the same, I respect him and look up to him so much, any positive word from him sends me over the moon. I feel valuable because he cares about me, some teenager among 60 others who he knew for less than a working week and bared her soul to him, over myspace, because she trusted him completely. And never regretted it. He has helped me through some really hard times since.
Justin is someone you immediately trust, immediately feel at ease with; and within a short amount of time you find yourself wanting to spill everything to him. He is so genuine, so caring, such an example of God's work through people. But yeah. Jake was amazing too. In a different context. So idk.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"This love has taken its toll on me"
Why have I been awake since 5 AM? A dream. A dream so ridiculously realistic I (for the first time) didn't know where I was when I woke. I tried writing about it, but it didn't seem right. So I shall try again later.
Acceptance. I desperately, obviously, pathetically long for acceptance. I thought that was more of a particular need of mine, and the way I go about feeling wanted and needed is most certainly not common to everyone. However, I have been reading a book called "Soul Cravings" by Erwin Raphael McManus. It, essentially, looks at the three things that we as humans desire most, at the core of our beings, and attempt to find throughout life. It looks at our "quest for love, quest for destiny, and a quest for meaning". The part on love, at least, is brilliant.
I have skipped to "meaning" and it's not so great for now. But love. It's amazing how much of what has been writing in this section are ideas I have thought, expressed; or if not, resonated within me as something incredibly true. I have begun to understand just a little more of why I do the things I do.
I am an attention seeker. I know I am, however much I hate it. I don't ask for attention in entirely overt ways, but you can see it in the things I do. I don't want to ask for attention, as such, because that would be beside the point for me. Which point?
I have a desperate need to feel loved, wanted, needed. I hate how needy I am. But doesn't everyone need this, after all? Perhaps they don't feel it so consciously as I, but deep within us all, we desire others to value us. We need to be needed. It validates us. It makes our lives meaningful. Of course, there are other things that also give our lives meaning, and we can't live without meaning either; but relationships are a necessary part of humanity. You can deny it, but we are relational creatures.
We may turn our backs on this need, seek to isolate ourselves from everyone else, saying that we don't need anyone else. But why do we do this? Because we have been hurt by others. Which can only happen when we care about others, when we have relationships with others. When we feel the pain is too much to take, we can easily turn away. But turning away doesn't remove our need for others. We were made to be together, to interact, to love. There is an emptiness that comes from somewhere inside us, when there is something of love we are missing.
We abuse love, mistake love, throw away love, ignore and forget love; but at the end of the day, if we don't have love, what do we have?
"The great danger of giving up on love is that we begin to give in to hate. A place where there is no love is toxic to the soul.
When we love, we are moved toward forgiveness.When we allow hate to take over, we begin to live for vengeance."
A life lived in hatred is not my idea of life. It seems like a life where something essential has died, leaving a blackness, a deadness. Forgiveness is important to me. Not forgiveness in which we continue allow ourselves to be hurt. But forgiveness where we accept what another, or we, have done to ourselves or others, acknowledge the hurt, but let it go. It is one of the hardest things to accomplish, forgiving someone who has truly hurt us. And yet, one of the best things we can do in our lives. Sometimes forgiveness just doesn't come in one hit. And it's not always a one off act. You may need to forgive one act, one person, continually. Every minute, every hour, every day, you may wake up and have to forgive. Letting go of pain doesn't come about that easily. But in the end it is the best course to take.
Love is abused.
"Love isn't about volume. Love isn't about conquest. When we live like this [talking about "womanisers"], there's something deeper going on inside us that we're trying to ignore, even drown out. We are alone, disconnected, and deficient in love. Deep down inside we know we cannot fill the vacuum within our souls by consuming people. We are not only robbing others, we are pillaging our own souls.
Eventually it hits you: you cannot take love; you have to give it. Love is a gift that cannot be stolen".
We crave love, and I can see this in my own life, in the lives of people around me, in the writings of people I don't even know.
"How can you make sense of a person who moves from one relationship to another, making her body the object of another's pleasure of abuse, except to acknowledge the painful reality that human beings fear almost nothing more than being alone [On women in abusive relationships]?"
Love is an endless topic and I have much to say; the idea of such a mixture is somewhat terrifying, but it is 6.53 in the morning and I would like some sleep before church. So there will be a part two, I'm sure you're looking forward to it. ^_^ lol.
Friday, January 9, 2009
So I was in the middle of writing a post, about He Who Shall Not Be Named (much) in regards to David
I'll post it later, it will be long...
But. I am about to fall asleep, but I just received an email that, if I wasn't so tired, would have my head spinning so fast it would fall off its non-existent axis... In the morning, after I awake, I'm definitely re reading it.
It's from someone I would call a friend, although, there are others who would disagree, and perhaps I am too quick to think of people that way... It seems that way with people at times, but oh well.
So anyway. Tell my former best friend (aka he who I speak of far too much or as called in the title, He Who Shall Not Be Named (much), seriously guys help give me a blog name for him) the things I verbally spew here about him?? /head spins
It would probably be a good idea. I'm afraid that he won't care.
I'm afraid he doesn't even want to be as good friends again, that he is doing a "David", to be explained shortly, in following post, I promise.
He's not David. So he won't necessarily do the same things that David did. But he still may not want to return friendship to where it was, minus the weird hooking up thing we had going on for a while. I know, every one of my friends who knew about it warned me it was a bad idea. Agreed. But I still wanted to.
OKAY I probably did like him. But if so, I could never admit it to myself. And as such I cannot quite come to terms with the idea. And so I will never know if I did. (I did.)
There were flaws in our friendship. But no relationship of any kind is perfect.
Ugh what am I saying? I don't know, really...
Sigh. I have a lot to think about, when such a thing is within my capacity. Perhaps after some sleep. To my email friend, I will most certainly reply as soon as I regain some coherency. And hopefully after having removed the remains of the eyeliner smudged all over my face... Kathleen decided to apply said make up to my face in an extra thick manner and I am terrible with makeup, I forget it's there and rub my eyes etc... Not good.
Goodnight all.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I'm scared that I'll still miss you even when you're right here.
I'm scared that this feeling will be permanent.
I don't just miss you. I miss what we had. I'm scared that will never come back. I'm scared that maybe I'll always want it, even need it.
I don't fully function without you. My life has sorta shut down since the three of you left it.
I cannot put it into words. You have no idea. Hopefully you never will. Hopefully you do. It hurts to breathe without you. It hurts to live without you. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like living. And when it does, that's painful too. Because my heart rebels against the idea that it could even be like this.
This half... thing we have right now is killing me.
And more than anything I'm scared, that I'll stop missing you. That I'll stop missing our friendship. I'm scared I'll move on. I want to keep this dependence.
p.s. Thought from Tatum Reid at Finding-me - "Trust: something that takes forever to build, and takes but an action... a word....a look... a second...to utterly destroy."
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Trapped
Perhaps "Alone" is rather a more appropriate title than "Trapped", or "Lonely", "Isolation", "Cut off"... or even "The Fear of Falling"...
hah. Well, see, it's 11.11. My sister + my mum have collaborated together to remove the internet cable, so, since I have no credit, access to my dad's phone, blah blah, not to mention of course not the home phone, I am completely cut off from any outside contact. By the way, make a wish quickly :P
I am not superstitious in regards to making wishes, whether at 11.11 or on shooting stars, or anything. I am not very superstitious at all...
And yet, the romanticism of the idea of wishing on a star, or at 11.11, is something that strikes me.
I like to at least make note of the idea... How I wish magic was real. How many times I have gone over this with Jake, or that Star Wars was real lol.
It is somewhat the same in how I wish life was a musical, where everyone could break into song and synchronised dance, knowing all the words with everyone being to sing well, and cars would magically stop driving along a particular stretch of road as you and a bunch of other people burst out and began singing + dancing along it. hah. I guess one can see from this that I have a longing for a life that is unrealistic, a movie or storybook tale... Not in a completely delusional way, but I wish that it were real all the same. I love the idea of those things, I would love for them to be true, they capture my fancy in a way that has held me since I was young, although I never believed in any of it then either.
Mmm moving on. I hate when I get like this, I want to work out with Emma if I'm going to be able to meet up with her briefly tomorrow while we're both in town / the bay, eee I'm heaps excited for if I see her but I don't know coz I can't get on MySpace, she might be getting her phone taken off her coz she keeps going over her cap and, there's the whole, not having credit either, but then she doesn't have my number I don't think anyway. Agh. I keep saying "eee", I hated it when I first saw people using that lol. Sigh.
But when I say, "when I get like this", I mean get into this situation. It's not even not contacting people, it's more knowing that if I needed to, I can't get in touch with anyone. And I like to have that reassurance. Not having that freaks me out. It really stresses me and thus makes something wrong so that I do need to be able to talk to someone to calm down, and then I can't. It's terrible. I have a slight tightness in my chest, but not too bad. I'm ignoring it, as per usual.
This is going to be posted sometime tomorrow morning. I'm so tempted to let myself sleep, I fell asleep for maybe an hour at around 6 this evening, but obviously still so sleep deprived, okay I have been sleeping in the spare room for the last week or so, which is where the computer is. I made myself a playlist of songs I would like to sleep to. This playlist is 6 hours long. I put it on just before I go to sleep, falling asleep is not a problem because I have already kept myself up way too late. And not once yet has that list played all the way through.
I am sleeping far less than 6 hours every night. But I cannot bear the dreams. As it is, I still get them a little. But not so often. And that is a relief.
Mmm I'm thinking I might go sit outside on the driveway, watch the cars go by, the lights up on the hill. My eyes will inevitably, at a number of times, be drawn to Jake's house, not surprising considering it's dead ahead. I'll remember so much, all the times I have waited for him at that very spot, when we went for walks. I miss that. I used to be terrified of the dark. But it's not so bad. Not the dark so much as the shadows, not so much the shadows as what could be hidden in them. I have something of a fertile imagination, and a touch of paranoia.
I'll remember conversations we've had, moments we shared. And I will miss him more than anything and it's highly likely I will have the urge to hurt myself, especially considering I have there before, there's a lot of blood been seeped into those pavers, a lot of pain around there, if inanimate objects can take on a little of the emotions they are subjected to. Another thing I don't believe in but would like to be real.
I won't give in, of course. But it's the temptation I don't like. And I am so tired, so tired. There have been times in the past I have sat there, so drowsy I have become fearful of falling asleep, but taking another 20 or so minutes to gather the strength to get up and come back inside, that drained of energy. I need sleep, I know, I can't go on like this. But I am hope hope hoping this matter will be resolved soon enough that I will soon be able to sleep without fear of repercussion in the form of dreams I can't stand. They're not nightmares. It is, in part, the feeling I experience when I wake and know that the dreams aren't reality, that is so... off putting, to completely miss the mark in description. Or, the opposite, to be glad it is not like it was in the dreams, but the thought so dreadful I cannot rid it from my mind fast enough. Even my occasional dreams of friends or family dying don't deter me from sleep, because I know they are just that. Occasional. The last one being about Jake. Waking up crying. I texted him, the time being something like 5 am, wanting to ask if he was okay, but knowing it was stupid, that it was only a dream. Still fearful. Just "I love you". Eventually returning to sleep. His reply at a reasonable hour that morning, "I love you too." My eventual explanation.
What I would give to have him say that to me now. My favourite message on my phone, I loved it at the time but now it is incredibly bittersweet; "I walked into a wall just now. I love you :)"
It made me so happy, he not being the kind to say "I love you" often at all, and barely ever first off, more often in reply. It was pretty funny. This was at about 2.39 in the morning, just having gotten off MSN to each other. Another thing I would give anything to have now, talking to each other on MSN till he left or I fell asleep aha. And that was one of the cutest messages.
Yeah in case you hadn't guessed, I'm leaving sitting out on the driveway for another night. This is making me feel less lonely, writing this. It's like talking to someone else. Like, in hospital. That night. Phone w/ credit dead. Then my new, broken phone running out of battery, since it barely had any, thus no music. Thankfully I had my diary key in my pocket of my jeans randomly that day. And so I got mum to bring me my diary. Hah I wonder what she would do to be able to look inside that bag ^_^
I ended writing in my diary till 2 30 or something, that morning, just talking about stuff, I didn't want to recount what happened, so I told my diary it would have to wait, and just talked about so much stuff. It's kindah like talking to someone else, as I said ^^^. It really helped. I treat my diary like a person. I write to it as I would talk to another person, as I would talk to another me I suppose. Because I know it is trustworthy, it understands me, for it is me after all. I keep a diary for various reasons, and I try to keep in mind that I will change, even more than I already have, and in many years to come, I may not think in the same way whatsoever. So I do give as much explanation as I can, and also in the even that someone else may read it, should I ever choose to let them. Shazz has read bits and pieces of my diary from year 9, late last year, and even though then it was over a year old, and did, indeed seem trivial, I was incredibly uncomfortable about it, although I let her. Ashlea, in year 8, read bits of my diary from year 7, but same deal there. I don't know. In the future, yeah I might be okay with someone reading really old stuff, but I dunno. I'm a fairly open person, but there is a point where it breaches my level of comfort in regards to privacy.
My counsellor suggested that some day she may be able to see my diary. ^_^ I hate saying "my counsellor". Ew I have a regular counsellor. How fucked up does that make me sound/ feel. Egh. I know, I know, blah blah it's not, etc etc, but the facts don't change the way I feel. Ehhh
Mmm I heaps like her though, even though Miss Cynical Toivoa is all like blah blah she only does it for the money blah blah. Shut up. Anyhow, I dunno. Seriously considering it, I immediately shy away from the idea. Of course. And she understands that.
But part of me wants to, the part that craaaaves other people to understand me. Of course this part also expects that people will understand me at my deepest levels and also accept me... This part is unrealistic and I know that. There are some people who would be able to do that, and some who wouldn't. "It takes all types to make the world go 'round" and all that. I accept that. But there is still that annoying, extremely needy part of me that wants that. And perhaps a part of me that wants to expose myself, hoping that I will be accepted, not even expecting that acceptance, but praying desperately that Toivoa, all her flaws and failures, everything she is, will be good enough for other people when they see it. Yes, that is a definite. I love analysing myself lol.
Particularly since she suggested it. ^_^
If I had thought of it myself, I wouldn't have seriously considered it because I would not want to inconvenience her. How many people really really want to be able to see inside another's mind? Oh, they might think they do, but if they had the chance, would they realise that was a bad idea? I think a lot of people might regret such a want.
I am very tentative at the risk of being a burden to other people, I am more past the stage of not wanting to offend people to the point where I agree with most things they say, trivial things. I have always tended to stand up for the things I really believe in, but in a number of things, I used to try to agree with everyone, not wanting to give anyone the chance to dislike me. However, I am, thankfully, past that, since it is ridiculous to think that a disagreeable on something would necessarily be off putting to another. Different viewpoints are the things that add flavour and diversity to life. Who's to say just one of these is right? It may be that one, or more, or all are correct. Or none, even.
Let me just state here that I do not believe truth is relative. Regardless of whether one believes in Santa or not, the truth is that he does not exist. Or if, per se, I am wrong, and Santa does exist, regardless of my belief that he doesn't, he still does. ^_^ yes? I am not entirely sure of what "per se" means or it's correct usage, soooo forgive me if that doesn't work, and I don't think it does, quite. hahaha ;P
Anyhow, thankfully, I am well past that phase in my life. Yet this still "not wanting to be troublesome to others in any possible way" concept of mine is sometimes taken a bit to the extreme. Sigh.
I suppose it will lower with the rise of my self esteem. Hah I love this accepting myself thing. It's rather intoxicating, being okay with who I am as a person. Eeeee (: Not thinking I am great, but thinking that I am equal to others, thinking my opinions are worth something, that I am worth something. It is amazing, after having been so negative towards myself all these years. I really cannot explain the feeling it gives me at times. Mmm
Oh, it's 12.08AM.
But I can honestly say, I am considering it, this diary thing. Not ready yet, but it's a possibility, maybe, a bit further down the line. Who knows? The future is ahead of me, filled with innumerous possibilities, and this road could lead anywhere.
xx
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Feelings
Wahhhhhh. Seriously. I could just write a massive crying blog right about now.
Now Shazz has gone and I have nothing to distract me, even briefly. I'm craving coffee, haven't had any in ages.
I am so low right now and it's probably because of sleep deprivation, also haven't been taking my vitamin D and iron lately. I should, I know I should, God knows I don't want rickets, osteoporosis or depression etc, but ever since the hospital, I cannot be bothered. Even when mum has left them out for me. I don't know why. I was in the routine before and that completely upset it, but it shouldn't be too hard to get into again! There's something stopping me. Like the thing that stops me from sleeping.
My maths classroom depresses me. I can literally feel it from the instant I walk in through the doorway. It's like the bright and positive things in life all disappear. It's not just the teacher. It is actually the room. Sure it's kinda dark, but my German classroom is darker, and I am fine there. The walls and ceiling are all white, yet the place is depressing and the mood inside is dim. I am ten times more likely to start crying in that class than any other. Mr Miles doesn't help, he makes the atmosphere worse. I hate how stupid I feel. When everyone knows exactly what to do and I have no idea; do I retain any information at all?? Or was I ever actually taught it? Is everyone else just smarter than me? Have I allowed not putting in effort to get to the point where I actually have become stupid where I wasn't before? I'm so confused and I feel so terrible. I look at myself, and I look at Shazz, my god I see the effort she puts in, she tries so hard. I am so proud of her but at the same time I am so ashamed, of myself. If I could cut through this haze of being unable to just do the work, to be motivated and stay on task, to follow things in priority order and do what I know I should. It is my own fault, I know that.
I know that.
But I still cannot seem to break that boundary.
I am held captive by so many things in my life, trappings of my own device that are so deep set I don't even know what they are. Inhibitions I don't even realise I have. And these stop me from doing what I should. And by this not being done, it creates more stumbling blocks and fences around me.
I am weighed down by a million things and I'm not really struggling anymore. I'm letting life kinda take away everything I never wanted to lose. Even as I determine to stay strong, to keep fighting, even in some ways as I am, in the long term I have let life take me and beat me down. I'm running out of time to set things straight. Year 12 is so close. I'm so fucking capable of doing these things, the school work, but there are all these things that stop me. Why can't I break free?
I feel so lost, and lonely. I have never felt so alone. Despite everything, I have been losing my trust in people. I am closing myself off and being more cynical, noticing how manipulative I could be and possibly am beginning to do so. That is not the kind of person I want to be. I used to be strong. In some ways, I have gained strength. But I used to be so dead set in my morals. I have always respected people with strong morals and won't be pressured into things. I have let a lot of my morals go. I feel ashamed of that. I am losing myself.
Not much of a loss.
Ah, one of those thoughts that still creep in. But see, it doesn't really ring true anymore. One thing I am quietly happy about.
But there is too much negative stuff. I will acknowledge the positive as much as I am able. However, the dark side is strong. Lol Star Wars much? But it is. The bad things are always easier to remember, hang more oppressively, have more of an impact. This applies to many. Are we people who prefer to have a negative perspective, who like being unhappy? A thought keeps coming into my head lately, - "I am addicted to misery". And I am. It's something I will bring about for myself because it is what I want. I can distract myself and be happy for a time, not complete, proper happiness, but even that is refreshing.
And I don't feel comfortable with that. I remember Sacha and Bec and Jake, I purposely look for memories that remind me of them. I do not want to be happy without them. I know that. I also have to prove a point, I'm terrible like that, it's one sure fire way to be able to manipulate me. But this point I must prove to myself, this point that I will not be happy without them, cannot live without them. This isn't proper living. It's something between living and existence, sometimes this shadow pokes its head out into the bright sunlight of truly living, becoming human, but for the most part it remains in the gray area, a dead soul within a waking body.
Lalala Larissa gets gayly overdramatic again. It's because I'm tired. I talk complete crap, even more than usual, at this stage.
I don't want to be alone, with my mind having complete control, I don't want to expose myself to the vulnerability of sleep. Where the dark side of my mind can take control. And I can do nothing to stop it. I fear where these thoughts of mine can take me, to the black places where I don't want to go. I'd rather stay awake.
You know what, I want to fight for my right to life. Because I do have that right, that right to liiiive. And I am going to do exactly that. I want to live. I have to learn not to stop living, no matter what the pain. I have always believed that it is worth it in the end. No matter how now, I feel that I wish I was never friends with Jake because of how much I miss him, I know I don't really wish that. Because all the great memories are still there. I just really wish we could make more. I do love him so much.
Hmmm my mind is wandering, I'm changing subjects completely incoherently. I shall stop here, for now.
xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
