I meant to post this last night (or rather, this morning, around the 6-ish mark), but I was on my dad's mobile and it was slow and I was tired and still not all that sober...
I did sneak out to hang out with two of my friends who have now finished school, but who I originally knew from Staberfoyle. So we played a couple of drinking games and hey, Mark has an air conditioner which was a more attractive prospect than anything, in this crazy 40 degree weather we've been having. (It's been in the high 40's for the last few days and is likely to stay in the 40's till next Sunday /dies [that's Celsius])
Anyway, in the past I may have mentioned that I can actually keep my balance pretty well while inebriated. Forget that. I was very, very wrong. Not that I was all that much more uncoordinated than when sober, but still; it was worse. Definitely, noticeably worse.
I still was capable of climbing over a fence ;)
I'd post more but I don't feel comfortable sharing certain things with those of you I know IRL, particularly via a blog. Haha. But no, Car Crash Hearts, I did not hook up with Nick. ;P
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
!!!
I feel like I just betrayed him. Lol not that he could care less.
But I was just talking to David, who said something, and I reacted with the facial expression that I have only ever used with my former best friend. Quite literally. I don't mean an emoticon, I mean a proper expression. I have never ever used it with anyone else. And I am so shocked I reacted that way. He was only joking too; of course he was only joking. Ughhh. Whereas my best friend would have said it seriously, in our little acting childish thing that we did. I caught myself staring at him today. Actually he caught me staring at him too. He's had a haircut and I haven't seen the look in his eyes in a long time; the way you look at someone when you are friends with them and are glad to see them, the way I long to see him look at me. I don't want the half dead, blank look, which is probably the same one I give him... I don't convey the longing in my look anymore, my eyes just watch, wondering what he's thinking, what he's been doing lately, and dying a little because once, I would have known... I don't want to look away because it gives me something to remember, the memories are fading already; and I'm not ready for that. I wonder if he realises that I still want things as they are, or if he thinks I have moved on.
I don't want to move on.
But, I think I am...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
You're too absorbed to notice,
And I don't think I care,
But I'm looking back and wondering,
What happened to what was there?
Strange, how friendships change over the years. This isn't about them. But with friends who you once shared the same mindset with, who you would speak for as they would speak for you; how does that vanish? Of course, as humans, we change; our paths diverge. With the passing of time comes the shifting of sand. Such small differences can change the course of things so greatly.
There is nothing wrong with these changes. It is best for us to be in close relationships with different people at different points in our lives.
Yet sometimes, this drifting apart does not occur. It is a sudden snap of that which binds two, or three, or more, together (and now it is about them again, and I'm sorry) a break that should not happen; for the pieces still fit together. But one is lost, or the pieces are torn asunder, and here is the dreadful thing. For the relationship has not followed its course. And here is where a healthy relationship becomes damaging. For that which we let in closest to us has the most power to inflict pain, to wound, to destroy.
An untimely death of a relationship is devastating.
But. Changing friendships intrigue me. I recall how we were always together, I recall the same with her at another time. And now you have that with each other, and I am nnot jealous, merely highly curious as to the strange way life works...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
So when I go for a few days without much food, a barely decent amount of sleep, and lose 470mL of blood + a bit more (donated blood today!); I am completely mindfucked.
Really. I was talking to some guy today, at the skate park, from the event I am doing; but I forget his name. I went really hyper and didn't make much sense.
I'm definitely lacking in energy at times but that could be because I haven't been taking my Vitamin D and Ostelin tablets. I forget what Ostelin is for and yes, I am severely deficient in Vitamin D. Yes, Vitamin D is derived from sunlight. So that is correct, I am not getting enough sunlight living in Australia. Apparently because my skin is darker it doesn't absorb sunlight as quickly, but I'm still out in the sun a fair amount...
Anyhow. Lack of Vitamin D can contribute to depression, tiredness, etc.
But, driving home today, I made so many mistakes. My concentration levels were shot; I hadn't even realised till then, I couldn't focus on enough things at once. A tiny distraction and I made a huge error... It was disturbing.
Sigh.
Only way this week could be better though, is if it was a camp. And if I got to see Justin more.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Question;
Who makes me the happiest?
a) Justin
b) Jake, back in the day
c) Jimit
d) James
Answer: Justin or Jake.
I only really threw James in so you can notice the weird thing I seem to have for guys whose names start with J, although he's great, we just aren't that close.
Jimit is easily ruled out, it irritates me how he never talks about important stuff. Just everyday things, I don't really like relationships of any kind without that deeper aspect, especially when you've been friends for over a year. Even though when I liked him he made me heaps happy. But not as much as Jake.
Seeing Jake or talking to him always made me smile, I was devastated everytime he was sad or angry at me even. With Justin, things are much the same, I respect him and look up to him so much, any positive word from him sends me over the moon. I feel valuable because he cares about me, some teenager among 60 others who he knew for less than a working week and bared her soul to him, over myspace, because she trusted him completely. And never regretted it. He has helped me through some really hard times since.
Justin is someone you immediately trust, immediately feel at ease with; and within a short amount of time you find yourself wanting to spill everything to him. He is so genuine, so caring, such an example of God's work through people. But yeah. Jake was amazing too. In a different context. So idk.
Sometimes I prefer older people than those my age
Seriously, half the time, at this community service week (it finishes at 6PM rather than 9PM both tonight and tomorrow), I would prefer to spend time with Justin and my other leaders than people my age. I love other teens, don't get me wrong. Like my new friend Monika, who turns 15 tomorrow. She's 14. That seems insanely young... And then there are Amber and her boyfriend Luke (who is sooo cute /dies), who are 15. Cale, who is in year 10 this year at my school (although I've never seen him around before although he's seen me lol), so he's 2 years below me in school, is 15 and a half. He constantly sounds like he has a sore throat, and he has really long dark hair that should probably be cut, which he is getting done on Saturday (and I hate when guys get their hair cut coz it rarely looks good), and braces and a tiny bit of acne; but like I said he's really nice. And a little bit of a flirt...
I hate being friends with guys who are flirts, even without meaning to be, because I think I start flirting with them back, without realising. Although, apparently I flirt with guys heaps, but I've never noticed that I do. Yet, so my friends tell me. And I think I do, looking back, but I really don't mean to. It's just kinda how I am with guys near my age, unless I am completely un-attracted to them or they are my friend's boyfriend or something. Although I guess I still act the same way around them anyway.
But. Justin. I'd pick him anytime. And my other leader, Kristen, is amazing too, although she's just 19. Most of the leaders are awesome. James Bowden is also fantastic, so mature for his age (21).
Today, my friend's younger sister told me that I was really pretty. I was like, uhm. Because her (and her twin) are both absolutely gorgeous. Haha that was a whoa moment for me.
For those of you who don't know, Justin was my small group leader when my friend and I did Big Week Out two years ago. We adored him and spent most of the week with him. He is now 28. When we first met him he was already married to a chaplain, and he was a youth worker. He is really smart, caring, fun, nice; basically everything good. I look up to him so much. I have told him almost everything; not the recent friends thing, but about my self harm since even before it became serious, my issues with myself and my mother, with God. He has been a great help, and there for me in those two years whenever I have reached out to him. He's offered to teach me to learn to drive in a manual, although I'm not sure how serious he was. But how cool would that be? Especially if it means I would get to see him after Big Week Out! He is the most amazing person, and if I could spend all of BWO with him, I would. He's pretty busy with organising things for it though. He was my event leader today (we did an afternoon today and painted over graffiti), and after our event, back at the base, Cale and I were sitting together in one chair (a tiny bit squashed, but he was warm and so I was comfy), and Justin was sitting next to us talking. I haven't really talked to Justin much this BWO, which I'm so disappointed about. Hopefully I will.
He noticed that I wasn't eating lunch today, and he knows about my hating to eat and all the reasons why; but I walked away from him so he couldn't make me eat something. But I love that he cares about me.
Tomorrow I am donating blood, which I am really excited about. Not having eaten much, it may be a problem but we'll see. Since Tuesday I've eaten two chocolate bars and a handful of shredded cheese (I was hungry when I got home today), and we shall see how it goes tomorrow. I hate eating during school time anyway, and really, I have put on so much weight.
I know, it's not a good idea, it doesn't work, and all that. People have been telling me that for far longer than I've known Justin. But... I just don't know.
So anyway, Cale. I have noticed that I have a problem in which, when practically any guy starts to show interest in me, I consider the potential for something more than friendship. I don't want a relationship. But you know what I'm like in desperately needed to feel like I'm good enough, and if a guy likes me, that makes me feel like I'm pretty enough and am acceptable as a person; although I also partly think that they are somewhat deluded... usually, I will end up liking them in return, at least for a while. I also don't have very many guy friends. So when I do, I kinda want them to like me, even if I don't like them. Because like I said, it makes me feel good enough. Even though I'm still scared I'll never fall in and stay in love with someone who will love me back the same way.
Completely off topic - You know what, I almost feel ready to listen to "Rise Above This" again. It is my all time favourite song (thus far), seconded by "The Way She Feels" by Between the Trees. Rise Above This by Seether is the song that gives me hope and courage to live, no matter what happens. It's a song I haven't listened to in over five months, since things fucked up went to hell with my three best friends. (I didn't want to want to keep going. It also reminded me of one of them, the one I post about the most, since he also liked it.) If you're interested, take a look at the official music video on YouTube, it's amazing; about a boy considering killing himself. Or, here are the lyrics (Yes, they are pretty elementary, but still) -
"Take the light, and darken everything around me
call the clouds and listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me
Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this"
Apologies for any typos or errors, it's a mere copy paste.
As for specifics on Big Week Out, tomorrow. It's been great so far (:
Monday, January 19, 2009
It's heaps good
I may not be posting much till the end of this week (yes, I know you're all devastated). It shall be a busy and rewarding week, I'm really excited at the thought of making new friends, seeing old ones again, learning, helping others, and all that jazz.
I finally get to donate blood! I'm really excited since last time I was given the opportunity I wasn't 16, which is the minimum age for donating blood here in Australia. Procedures like that fascinate me, I love getting blood tests and the like. For those of you who don't know, I have a bit of a weird obsession with blood (I'd post a link here to a previous post but I'm on my dad's phone), and also it can help save three people's lives so I'm even more enthused! I also have a motivation never to take drugs (injecting ones anyway), because if you ever have you can't donate blood. Not that I should need a reason but I'm something of a pushover, sucker for peer pressure, etc. Anyhow I definitely want to be able to donate blood, which I can do till I'm 70 hurrah (:
But blood donating is just a small part of what this week shall be about... It is a week where teenagers participate in events that service the community, but not necessarily community service in the traditional sense. There is a bit of painting over grafitti but visiting nursing home residents, clowning, free public barbecues, fixing people's gardens are some of the other events we've got planned.
It's basically organised by a bunch of churches around Adelaide, and I last participated in the eventt two years ago. There are several bases and ours has about 70 teens, plus leaders and organisers. Apart from the events, we will hear talks and participate in group discussions where will we consider the importance of community (which is also important to me and To Write Love On Her Arms) and God and how he can work in our lives, and those kinds of things. Some really important and thought provoking ideas are raised during the course of the week, and I am definitely looking forward to it.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Typical toivoa moment
So today I decided to fry some eggs.
There were a few sitting there in the egg shelf of the fridge door, so I grabbed two as the oil was heating in the pan. All seemed normal...
The problems began when I attempted to crack the first egg. It was rather hard and when it actually did crack I wasn't paying much attention. I held it above the pan, trying to break it apart, thinking that what I was meeting resistance with was that filmy white layer you get just within an eggshell. Not looking, I was thinking, this is soo thick... :s Once I finally came up with the brilliant idea to look at what I was doing, I realised what I was actually holding was an already boiled egg, obviously done by my mother.... Feeling like a bit of a douche, I had another look in the fridge and took another 2 eggs from the carton I found there.
Now, this egg was also quite hard as I hit it to crack it. I got a little bit impatient and tried cracking it simply with the force of my fingers, whereupon it promptly broke and the egg splattered all over me...
I was left standing there, bewildered, with the broken pieces of eggshell in my hands and egg yolk slowly dripping down my top...
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