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Monday, March 16, 2009

I don't want to be real anymore.

That was the thought running through my head for almost half of today so far. In case you didn't realise from the time stamps on my last two posts, I didn't sleep much last night. Nor the night before, to be honest. I've filled my body with so much caffeine today, and oh, you can tell. I had coffee, and I don't even know how many No-Doz, which are caffeine tablets. At first I was just upset and generally wanted to cut, but that might have happened anyway, who knows. Then I grew really clingy and tired but not sleepy. And then I went weird like I never have before. And it was really scary.

I have never felt so anti social in my life. The people around, anyone close made me feel sick with revulsion; I couldn't bear being near anyone. This was during lunch and I couldn't even take feeling my own body, I couldn't put my hands on my legs while I was sitting down and I avoided contact with anything as much as possible to avoid any feeling of physicality. I was so freaked out, went pretty much into auto pilot mode, blanked out from everything as much as possible; and then I started crying in between, switching between the two over and over.

I don't even think this was just the caffeine.

I'm really behind in quite a few subjects at school, honestly. My biology teacher thinks I should be looking at leaving school and working, etc.

On my way home I calmed down a bit and now I can actually think, and thank god. I never want to do that again. And I really think I can still do this. I can catch up on school work and do okay, at least. I have to.

So I'm going to be being as healthy as I can from now on, and sleep at nights, and actually eat healthy and adequate amounts. Maybe even eat breakfast. I'll probably miss NCIS episodes if it is necessary, in order for me to get schoolwork done. I can always catch up on them later, on Surfthechannel.com When my body can actually handle it again, I'll get up early and go for runs in the morning. I'm not going to do much else besides school work till I have caught up. So I probably won't write much here for a while. If you see posts from me, feel free to virtual slap me, yeah?

And I think, for a while, I'll be avoiding caffeine.

Update (7.28PM): I know, I know. I just, hate it when people don't reply to text messages and I know it's not because they're out of credit. And now I'm getting paranoid. In this instance, I think I even have the right to be worried. Toivoa potentially screws up things once again. Hurray.

1 comment:

  1. Too many times have I felt like this. I think I spent most of my high school career just drifting, OD'ing on caffeine just to get through the day, failing classes and wondering what was wrong with me. I spent my nights wide awake, writing and cutting and crying.

    I think stepping away from everything might do you some good. Concentrate on school and yourself, and leave everything else for later. I often have a hard time taking care of myself because I'm always so busy taking care of everyone else. I have to constantly remind myself to step back and reevaluate things.

    *hugs* Feel free to email me, elizawhat[at]gmail[dot]com. I'm here for you. <3