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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Yay for old country music

Hah I was just listening to some old stuff, (L)

Just thought I'd put the lyrics in here.

I do not have the ex best friend partly in mind here.. <.< Of course not! Haha.

Except I am not going to let him or anyone make me forget or "unlove" him...

Even if it was possible, as put forth by song lyrics ^_^

"How can I unsay the things I said to you?
How can I undo the things that we used to do?
Tell me how can I unfeel the way I feel for you, how can I unlove you?
How can I untie the hold that you got on me?
When you won't unchain my heart and set me free.
How can I unremember every memory, so how can I unlove you?
I'll never never uncry tears that I cried when you said goodbye.
No I'll never never unmiss the thrill that I missed when we used to kiss
How can I unsay the things I said to you?
And how can I undo the things that we used to do?
Tell me how can I unfeel the way I feel for you, how can I unlove you?
Oh I'll never never uncry...
How can I unlove you, how can I unlove you, how can I unlove you?"

Let's just set the record straight, do not take "the things that we used to do" in any kind of sexual way hah. >.>

I will write a more interesting update blog like the one I began to write at 5 this morning before falling asleep >.< , as a reward when I have done my CTS essay and can concentrate. Don't hold your breath waiting.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Jumble Sale

Everything's going for next to nothing!

My mind is tumbling, what a mess, what a jumble. Garage sale --> Jumble Sale, oh everything's for free. These words aren't even worth that, now tell me what I'm worth.

Hmm okay... =/

Anyway. Right now I really want, I want to speak words that will release myself. It's been a bit too long since writing has helped me. I'm really out of words. I have nothing useful to say. And yet I still want to spill out everything like Sam, posting about 5 or 6, if not more, blogs, this evening alone. I want to write and write until there's no paper left, till the letters are worn off the keys, till I've run out of ink with every pen I have, I want that. I would even sit here and type jaojfrklaghd over and over, if only it would mean something to me. I don't need what I say to have any meaning to you, I need to do this for me. I feel like I'm bubbling and spilling over and yet it just keeps coming, bubbling over but it's not going anywhere, it's not leaving. I want to be as light as a cloud, so that nothing can stay within me, things will pass right through me. But I want to have a presence. I'm past that stage where I just wanted to be a shadow, where I wanted to be existing, barely. That lasted about a week, no matter what happens with my friends, I guess, I've still got that will to live. Live properly.

I want to explode with the love I have for all of you, I am so in love with everyone right now, I am bursting with love. For no reason. Hah I had the urge to tell the ex best friend I love him, and so I did on last.fm, idc what happens, I love him! I love you. Mmmm I'm sleep deprived haha.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Quick Apology

Far too many blogs of mine lately have been all about the ex best friend, or Sacha and Bec. I'll mix it up a little, I promise.


So it's finally come to this

Acceptance. Sacha and Bec, I'm still not sure. Hoping. But not sure.

For Jake [from now on referred to as the ex best friend kay?] though, it's time for me to accept this. Really accept it. He's still going to haunt me in my dreams, he and the memories of what we were, but I think I am at that stage. Where I can accept he's gone. I still love him, and I still miss him, but I am drained and it's time to accept this as much as possible. My subconscious self will still be pleading for him, my sleeping isn't going to get any better. I'll still think of him every day, reminded of him by nearly everything. But it's the best I can do.

This morning I woke up, and the whole time I could feel how I was on one subconscious level, defending myself. Yesterday, I had known what he was going to say would be bad, something inside me threw up the emotional barriers. I know the emotion was there, it was though I can see it swirling around as a colourful  yet dull mist or smoke behind the clear walls that surrounded me, just waiting to seep in.

And there was nothing to let it. That part of me that will protect me at an emotional cost stayed strong. No feeling. I just watched it, passively, slowly drifting around outside my walls. Plastic walls. Why not glass? Plastic is not so hard, so clear. Plastic made the emotions appear fuzzy, it was softer yet firm than glass could ever be, comforting, protecting me, not just a cold hard barrier keeping me trapped.      

It was only 7th lesson, Ancient Studies, which I have come to dread, with Sacha and Bec... I wanted to see what I would be like with,

I gave Callum, who was sitting next to me, Jake's wristband, and told him to keep it for the lesson. He was like, who's is it? He knew I was upset. He could see I was almost crying... He said my eyes were shiny. Lol, Callum is a dear, even though he gets annoying as all hell at times. Shame he can never keep his mouth shut either. We kindah talked about Jake a little, he said that he'd asked Jake about it the lesson before, and Jake said that I had changed, or something, that I was all depressed and stuff. But I had been so much happier lately then, than for a lot of times before. Seriously.

What the hell was he talking about??? The thing with Callum is he changes what he hears when he repeats it...

Mmm. I wonder if I'll ever really feel this. Or if I'll forever be blocked off to this. Perhaps like when David told me he used me, but then he later said he just said that because of various understandable reasons. I don't know with David, I really don't. Except that really didn't bother me, sometimes a little. But not really. I got my first kiss. And it was really good, not the kiss itself lol. He was so sweet and so caring, no way he made up what he said... It was the David I will always love. As a friend I mean. Okay, I was crazy about him for so long, and apparently he was about me too. Shame how things worked out. But we were always going to be better off as friends, and I don't know if we could have kept it up with what there was between us. I don't mean anything suss, just.

Mmm. I don't want any of you to be mad at Jake >=( I knew him better than any of you, none of you really were really great friends with him. I knew he had this side to him, I've seen it, towards Maddy, towards Emma who I'm not pretty good friends with. And it's part of who he is. If he didn't have that, he wouldn't be the same Jake that I love, and would do absolutely anything for, regardless of what he thinks of me. No matter what. I am always going to love him. Because of who he is. He is a stubborn, difficult person, sometimes such a dick. And I love him for everything that he is. I guess I never thought he'd turn that side on me.

I am accepting this. I still love him.

Unconditional love. Oh it can be painful ;)


Monday, October 27, 2008


I feel empty and flat again. I think it's the seeing the ex best friend and the half looks, the way I'll be with someone else and talking and see him and just completely forget what I'm saying. Or see him and try to formulate something to say to whoever I'm with so I don't look awkward, I try to act normal, but I can't, I can't even form a coherent thought, it's like my mind is struck by complete blankness, there is merely a sense of fumbling for something that isn't there.

Ahahaha I just got this from him

ohmygod. he deleted all my messages in his shoutbox on last.fm ever

anyway i got this from him

27 Oct 2008, 00:47

Re(2): -

You're right, there is something more.
There's the fact that I can't stand the mere sight of you.
Fuck off.
On 26 Oct 2008, 23:58 Toivoa wrote:
try actually reading this. please. it will take about 20 seconds.
what doesn't work anymore?? that was me talking to myself.
i agreed because i figure, i obviously did something. since all you told me is you thought i was ignoring you or something.
i figure there has got to be something more. since, as i explained to you, i wasn't. if i didn't walk to school with you, it was because i was late! the one occasion i actually did not want to walk with you, i told you.
i was talking to you, the last day i talked to you we walked home together, then we didn't talk on msn that night and i didn't know why.
the next time i saw you was friday after school when i was letting deborah's friend in the house and we didn't make proper eye contact or i would have waved, and then when i was at the bus stop. i hadn't even realised anything was wrong!
the only thing you had said beforehand was something along the lines of "why haven't we been able to have a decent conversation recently?"
you still haven't told me what i did to start it
On 26 Oct 2008, 22:24 ExBestFriend wrote:
a) You admitted yourself that they were pointless, before going on to state that you're "good at being pointless" or something like that
b) You told me to disable the shoutbox if i don't want you to leave messages in there, that's how it's relevant.
"Fucking typical of me" bawww bawww grow up it doesn't work anymore
c) Once again, you started it. I've told you in the past that you put this on yourself, and you agreed.
I'm not responding to you anymore

ahahaha okay that is going to hurt so much later, but for now, I'm just amused in like some state that I know if I don't find it funny in some way I will be off slashing my wrists somewhere, there is that tightness in my stomach but for now I'm amused beyond all belief and at the same time, I feel so dead.

I'm almost tempted to give in and feel the anger towards him, but I refuse to. I am hanging on to what he means to me. I'm going to miss him. But for now, nothing.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Tell Me

"So tell me, tell me, that I'm not all alone, and everything's alright now..."

Tell me that tomorrow isn't going to be just some more heartache.

Tell me tomorrow I will get somewhere with this.

Tell me tomorrow will get me one step closer to fixing this mess.

But don't tell me any of this unless it's true.


So tired... Connected Texts Study ftl.

Sacha Bec Jake (L) (L) (L)


Dreams, Wishes and Forgotten Kisses ^_^

I wish I was never friends with him

The memories hurt too much

And they're always flooding over into my brain


I want to throw a nearby plate at my mum's face ^_^

She just said something about how "Sacha won't come knocking on the door this Halloween, will she?"


Sacha and Callum did that a couple of years ago, year 9 I believe.

blah blah

Does the woman ever fucking listen to herself? Does she hear what she is saying???

My god. I am not going to cry again.

I am not going to fucking cry.

I want to sneak out and go for a walk with him at night again, sit at the park freezing, play fighting and talking. I never thought our friendship would end so soon. And never like this.

Get the fuck out of my head! Please...


Lashing out

Bitter bitter bitter

Toivoa is really bitter and upset right now. I have been blogging too much lately. Like, these past 3 days or something. I have kinda abandoned my diary for this

Oh god I miss him

It hits me in waves, of emotional and mental and physical pain

Which reminds me, this morning in church, i had one of those stabbing pains in my stomach i haven't had in god knows how long, really viciously painful that just comes and goes in an instant and leaves you gasping for breath

please tell me that isn't starting again, and the other pains that stay longer, and the randomly not breathing properly

okay that even distracted me from friends for a moment, i was panicked about something else, and that is better than panicked and sad about jake hahhhh. oh god

i'm so angry and sad and sick of this


Heartbreak comes in all shapes and sizes

and types too. And my heart is breaking, even more, over losing my best friend. I know that there is still a possibility with the other two, until there is no hope there I will keep myself somewhat together. But I don't think there is any hope whatsoever with him. And I need him. So much. Not even him, our friendship. Who am I kidding, I need him too. Of course I can never recreate that friendship with anyone else. Hah why am I talking to Paul a bit now, just, if I'm honest, to feel that little bit closer to him. Oh god. And even if he is talking to me, even if he's calling me an annoying cunt, God I would rather that than nothing, I can't take nothing, and even when he is saying anything, over bloody last.fm posts, I can't take that either.

I just, just hate that he could throw it away so, so easily. I hate how it meant so little to him when it meant practically everything to me. Our smallest arguments before that he didn't even see as arguments, sent me into massive freakouts and crying fits. I always knew this friendship was more to me than him, but I didn't think it would ever matter.

I feel so torn, wrenched apart inside. Jake you are breaking my heart. I don't want to live without you. I want you, I need you so much. I miss you so much. I can't even escape missing you in sleep, you're always in my dreams, dreams that I can't stand. hah nothing suss people, it's all normal friendship type stuff...

Jake I would give anything, I swear. Anything to fix this. I need you.

I miss you, so much.

Am I just being stupid? Some lady at my church, her husband has died. She will keep going on. But in some ways I think this is more painful, it is not of their choosing. I wouldn't know, I can't say, who am I to judge, I have never had anyone really close to me leave through death. My dad says I rely too much on people, I base my happiness and life on them. Which is why everything has fallen apart. I guess he's right.

People matter to me. Is that fucking wrong?

Shit, I'm crying again. Toivoa you're fucking pathetic. I just, want him to miss me at least. I want to know that he does care, just a little, after all. That he didn't let go of this so easily.

But he doesn't miss me, doesn't care, and he let go of our friendship like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. And this just keeps coming back.


Apologies, Glances and Messed up Chances

I miss him so much.
It physically hurts.

And I know he doesn't care.

No way am I going to sleep early tonight, not after my dreams two nights ago.

I can't stand this.

I want him back.

I want my fucking best friend back.


Saturday, October 25, 2008

Striving for Perfection: Response to Kate's

Kate just posted a blog on how everyone attempts to attain perfection. This struck me as slightly odd. So I'm going to throw in my own two cents on the matter...

Personally, I have never felt the need to be perfect. But perhaps it is hiding under another title? Let us examine this ;D

I can never recall wanting to be perfect, as such. I never thought that I could. It is unattainable, in this life. We are but people, marred by the human condition, and not as a Christian but as someone who has seen different attempts to better this, I would say God has the answer.

Feel free to disagree with me on that, I know some of you don't believe in His existence or think that if He is real, well let's just say you don't think too favourably of him. I have seen many people who think like this, and I think it is sad. That people blame God for the bad things in life. What about Satan? People laughingly say things about the devil, but never think to blame him for the bad things, God bears the brunt of discontentment at the negative things in the world. Of course, this probably has a lot to do with the numerous people who do bad things in the name of God. Consider that they may claim to be doing God's will, but are they really, honestly even in contact with God, or perhaps the devil in his most favoured form of subtle deception, not outright wickedness?

But since I myself am not a Christian, I'm not really the right person to defend this view. I do agree with it. I do believe in God. As yet, I remain undecided on the whole thing. I don't know what stops me. But let's save spirituality for another time / blog. It's a fascinating subject to say the least.

Let me just add I am listening to Perfect - Simple Plan to fit this theme hah.

AND OMG. I just realised. In the live version, when Pierre says "let's give it up for" all these different bands, he mentions Billy Talent. I only just heard them for the first time a couple of months ago. And I knew they were from Canada. But hah how odd. To me..

Moving on.

As "people, marred by the human condition..." we should never expect to reach perfection. Of course, we all have unrealistic expectations, of both ourselves and others. But, and again, this is personally, I relish being, not perfect. I like having flaws. Since, after all, everyone else too. Think about it this way, if we were perfect, if life was perfect, we would have nothing left to do. Nothing to work on, nothing to work to, everything would get relatively boring, to my manner of thinking. Strange how inversely optimistic and cheery I can be in certain ways.

I don't expect to ever reach a state where there is nothing for me to improve on. That said, I do know my flaws. I do know that there are things I should work on to improve myself. But at the same time, I am learning to be content with who I am in the moment.

I don't know how I can keep talking about this without bringing God into it.

It is because no one is perfect, no one can make it on their own, that God steps in. Those who blame God and ask why he didn't make us flawless, why he didn't make us to automatically choose the right thing, think about it. God gave us the freedom to make the choice. He gave us free will. If we were just, essentially, mindless puppets, that would not be a very great life. So in His love, he gave us that choice, knowing the heartbreaking pain he would experience as we made the wrong decisions. Because, like anyone who loves someone else, when something happens to that person that causes them pain, anyone who loves them will suffer too, they will experience pain.

I know that some of you don't believe in God, but I just can't see how things work when you take God out of them. So much just doesn't make sense without there being something out there, something unexplainable by the laws that supposedly govern the universe. So, you could take God out of the picture, but to not believe in ANYTHING, something, that defies explanation, I cannot see it. God, to me, makes the most sense, and perhaps that is my upbringing, but I have been given a lot of information on this, my dad talks to people every single Friday night who believe all different things, or don't believe in anything, and discusses the possibility of Christianity being real. To do this he must have some convincing proofs, and people do find themselves changing their beliefs during these conversations. My dad is not just a persuasive speaker, he has arguments that are backed up with proof. And so, I would say that I have reason to what I believe, although I'm not so good with remembering it hah.

But everyone believes different things, and I'm okay with that. Note again that I do not believe in relativism.

Gah back to topic.

I think that society is a lot to blame for people's desire for perfection. Not to just pass off the blame onto society as a whole, but the values that we have come to admire through the celebrities and people we place on pedestals. And if we see these people as being better or more important than us, whether subconsciously or not, if even they are going to, in Kate's words, "prance around with anorexia, striving to be a size zero", as one example, in body shape and weight areas, then what are we going to think? That if even they are trying to be more of something than they are, when realistically they are fine in that area; in holding themselves to unrealistic expectations, we doom ourselves to taking on these same desires. We sometimes create the pressure on these people, it is really a never ending circle and who is to say where it begun? Whether or not it is too late to fix these kinds of issues, I cannot say. Sadly, I am inclined to believe it is not possible, too many in the industry, media and film producers and all the people behind the scenes are too selfish and are all too busy reaching for these impossible goals that they place them above others' welfare. So they demand thinner celebrities and the like.

I could go on about that side of it for hours.

I agree with Kate that we can "strive to be "perfect" because it gives a meaning to life." Everyone needs to have a meaning to life, a purpose that gives them something to live for. Because if they wake up one day and realise that they, really, have nothing to live for, it would be terrifying.

Whether our purposes and reasons to live are delusions, unrealistic goals, or whatever, we rely on them. We need them. I just think we need to look closer, look for a more solid purpose. There is so much more to live for than to try to be perfect. And even in this media controlled, desperately searching world, there is hope. So many people are reaching for perfection. Searching. Perhaps they are looking for the wrong thing. What is it that we really need?

No one should feel the need to be perfect. I'm not asking you, if you do, to just throw that away. I'm not that unrealistic. But I believe there is more to live for than aiming for perfection. I would not aim for perfection. I would aim to love. Because love can do a lot. Love can change the world. Make no mistake, love is the most powerful thing out there. It can overcome almost anything. It can help with all the pain in life, it can help carry you through. I don't mean just love in a partner type situation. I mean every kind of love ever thought of, every single kind of love that perhaps hasn't even been able to be expressed through words. Not love in words, but love in action. Love human to human, reaching out to one another. There is not enough love in the world these days. But I think if we love as much, as fiercely as we can, more than we think able, that is the best we can do. Love is painful, it is sharing other's sorrows, taking on pain you don't have to feel.

But it is my belief it is the right way.


Sorry if I am coming across as heavy handed. I get carried away..

"Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect"



I really really wanna go. Mmmm look at the line - up

Nine Inch Nails, Bloodhound Gang, Alice in Chains, In Flames, Billy Talent, Hellogoodbye, Alkaline Trio, New Found Glory, Lacuna Coil, The Subways, Funeral for a Friend, Goldfinger, Finch, Less Than Jake, Minus the Bear, Saves the Day, Anberlin, From First to Last, Lamb of God, Say Anything, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Silverstein, Straylight Run, Emery, Chiodos, 36 Crazyfists, Every Time I Die, Bedouin Soundclash, DevilDriver, Poison the Well, Unearth, Bayside, HORSE the band, Evergreen Terrace, Alesana, The Audition, Madina Lake, Face to Face, Valencia, Moneen, Houston Calls, Rival Schools, I Am the Avalanche, In This Moment, The Riverboat Gamblers, Jaguar Love, Maylene & The Sons Of Disaster, Innerpartysystem, Attack In Black and Ace Enders And A Million Different People

eeeee (:

anyone have $130 spare? ;D

haha. The bands I had already heard - In Flames, Billy Talent, Hellogoodbye, New Found Glory, Lacuna Coil, Funeral For a Friend, Saves the Day, Anberlin, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Silverstein, Madina Lake, and The Early November who Ace Enders is from.

And NIN but ehh

Since I saw the line up I have been checking out the other bands, I have liked every one I have heard so far - Alice in Chains, Finch, From First to Last, Say Anything, HORSE the Band, Alesana, Face to Face, Valencia,

kay that's it so far, but I've also heard good things of the other bands.



Hah just thought I'd chuck in a random drooling over music festival blog rather than the usual pensive contemplations of my mind ;P




Perhaps "Alone" is rather a more appropriate title than "Trapped", or "Lonely", "Isolation", "Cut off"... or even "The Fear of Falling"...

hah. Well, see, it's 11.11. My sister + my mum have collaborated together to remove the internet cable, so, since I have no credit, access to my dad's phone, blah blah, not to mention of course not the home phone, I am completely cut off from any outside contact. By the way, make a wish quickly :P

I am not superstitious in regards to making wishes, whether at 11.11 or on shooting stars, or anything. I am not very superstitious at all...

And yet, the romanticism of the idea of wishing on a star, or at 11.11, is something that strikes me.

I like to at least make note of the idea... How I wish magic was real. How many times I have gone over this with Jake, or that Star Wars was real lol.

It is somewhat the same in how I wish life was a musical, where everyone could break into song and synchronised dance, knowing all the words with everyone being to sing well, and cars would magically stop driving along a particular stretch of road as you and a bunch of other people burst out and began singing + dancing along it. hah. I guess one can see from this that I have a longing for a life that is unrealistic, a movie or storybook tale... Not in a completely delusional way, but I wish that it were real all the same. I love the idea of those things, I would love for them to be true, they capture my fancy in a way that has held me since I was young, although I never believed in any of it then either.

Mmm moving on. I hate when I get like this, I want to work out with Emma if I'm going to be able to meet up with her briefly tomorrow while we're both in town / the bay, eee I'm heaps excited for if I see her but I don't know coz I can't get on MySpace, she might be getting her phone taken off her coz she keeps going over her cap and, there's the whole, not having credit either, but then she doesn't have my number I don't think  anyway. Agh. I keep saying "eee", I hated it when I first saw people using that lol. Sigh.

But when I say, "when I get like this", I mean get into this situation. It's not even not contacting people, it's more knowing that if I needed to, I can't get in touch with anyone. And I like to have that reassurance. Not having that freaks me out. It really stresses me and thus makes something wrong so that I do need to be able to talk to someone to calm down, and then I can't. It's terrible. I have a slight tightness in my chest, but not too bad. I'm ignoring it, as per usual.

This is going to be posted sometime tomorrow morning. I'm so tempted to let myself sleep, I fell asleep for maybe an hour at around 6 this evening, but obviously still so sleep deprived, okay I have been sleeping in the spare room for the last week or so, which is where the computer is. I made myself a playlist of songs I would like to sleep to. This playlist is 6 hours long. I put it on just before I go to sleep, falling asleep is not a problem because I have already kept myself up way too late. And not once yet has that list played all the way through.

I am sleeping far less than 6 hours every night. But I cannot bear the dreams. As it is, I still get them a little. But not so often. And that is a relief.

Mmm I'm thinking I might go sit outside on the driveway, watch the cars go by, the lights up on the hill. My eyes will inevitably, at a number of times, be drawn to Jake's house, not surprising considering it's dead ahead. I'll remember so much, all the times I have waited for him at that very spot, when we went for walks. I miss that. I used to be terrified of the dark. But it's not so bad. Not the dark so much as the shadows, not so much the shadows as what could be hidden in them. I have something of a fertile imagination, and a touch of paranoia.

I'll remember conversations we've had, moments we shared. And I will miss him more than anything and it's highly likely I will have the urge to hurt myself, especially considering I have there before, there's a lot of blood been seeped into those pavers, a lot of pain around there, if inanimate objects can take on a little of the emotions they are subjected to. Another thing I don't believe in but would like to be real.

I won't give in, of course. But it's the temptation I don't like. And I am so tired, so tired. There have been times in the past I have sat there, so drowsy I have become fearful of falling asleep, but taking another 20 or so minutes to gather the strength to get up and come back inside, that drained of energy. I need sleep, I know, I can't go on like this. But I am hope hope hoping this matter will be resolved soon enough that I will soon be able to sleep without fear of repercussion in the form of dreams I can't stand. They're not nightmares. It is, in part, the feeling I experience when I wake and know that the dreams aren't reality, that is so... off putting, to completely miss the mark in description. Or, the opposite, to be glad it is not like it was in the dreams, but the thought so dreadful I cannot rid it from my mind fast enough. Even my occasional dreams of friends or family dying don't deter me from sleep, because I know they are just that. Occasional. The last one being about Jake. Waking up crying. I texted him, the time being something like 5 am, wanting to ask if he was okay, but knowing it was stupid, that it was only a dream. Still fearful. Just "I love you". Eventually returning to sleep. His reply at a reasonable hour that  morning, "I love you too." My eventual explanation.

What I would give to have him say that to me now. My favourite message on my phone, I loved it at the time but now it is incredibly bittersweet; "I walked into a wall just now. I love you :)"

It made me so happy, he not being the kind to say "I love you" often at all, and barely ever first off, more often in reply. It was pretty funny. This was at about 2.39 in the morning, just having gotten off MSN to each other. Another thing I would give anything to have now, talking to each other on MSN till he left or I fell asleep aha. And that was one of the cutest messages.

Yeah in case you hadn't guessed, I'm leaving sitting out on the driveway for another night. This is making me feel less lonely, writing this. It's like talking to someone else. Like, in hospital. That night. Phone w/ credit dead. Then my new, broken phone running out of battery, since it barely had any, thus no music. Thankfully I had my diary key in my pocket of my jeans randomly that day. And so I got mum to bring me my diary. Hah I wonder what she would do to be able to look inside that bag ^_^

I ended writing in my diary till 2 30 or something, that morning, just talking about stuff, I didn't want to recount what happened, so I told my diary it would have to wait, and just talked about so much stuff. It's kindah like talking to someone else, as I said ^^^. It really helped. I treat my diary like a person. I write to it as I would talk to another person, as I would talk to another me I suppose. Because I know it is trustworthy, it understands me, for it is me after all. I keep a diary for various reasons, and I try to keep in mind that I will change, even more than I already have, and in many years to come, I may not think in the same way whatsoever. So I do give as much explanation as I can, and also in the even that someone else may read it, should I ever choose to let them. Shazz has read bits and pieces of my diary from year 9, late last year, and even though then it was over a year old, and did, indeed seem trivial, I was incredibly uncomfortable about it, although I let her. Ashlea, in year 8, read bits of my diary from year 7, but same deal there. I don't know. In the future, yeah I might be okay with someone reading really old stuff, but I dunno. I'm a fairly open person, but there is a point where it breaches my level of comfort in regards to privacy. 

My counsellor suggested that some day she may be able to see my diary. ^_^ I hate saying "my counsellor". Ew I have a regular counsellor. How fucked up does that make me sound/ feel. Egh. I know, I know, blah blah it's not, etc etc, but the facts don't change the way I feel. Ehhh

Mmm I heaps like her though, even though Miss Cynical Toivoa is all like blah blah she only does it for the money blah blah. Shut up. Anyhow, I dunno. Seriously considering it, I immediately shy away from the idea. Of course. And she understands that.

But part of me wants to, the part that craaaaves other people to understand me. Of course this part also expects that people will understand me at my deepest levels and also accept me... This part is unrealistic and I know that. There are some people who would be able to do that, and some who wouldn't. "It takes all types to make the world go 'round" and all that. I accept that. But there is still that annoying, extremely needy part of me that wants that. And perhaps a part of me that wants to expose myself, hoping that I will be accepted, not even expecting that acceptance, but praying desperately that Toivoa, all her flaws and failures, everything she is, will be good enough for other people when they see it. Yes, that is a definite. I love analysing myself lol.

Particularly since she suggested it. ^_^

If I had thought of it myself, I wouldn't have seriously considered it because I would not want to inconvenience her. How many people really really want to be able to see inside another's mind? Oh, they might think they do, but if they had the chance, would they realise that was a bad idea? I think a lot of people might regret such a want.

I am very tentative at the risk of being a burden to other people, I am more past the stage of not wanting to offend people to the point where I agree with most things they say, trivial things. I have always tended to stand up for the things I really believe in, but in a number of things, I used to try to agree with everyone, not wanting to give anyone the chance to dislike me. However, I am, thankfully, past that, since it is ridiculous to think that a disagreeable on something would necessarily be off putting to another. Different viewpoints are the things that add flavour and diversity to life. Who's to say just one of these is right? It may be that one, or more, or all are correct. Or none, even.

Let me just state here that I do not believe truth is relative. Regardless of whether one believes in Santa or not, the truth is that he does not exist. Or if, per se, I am wrong, and Santa does exist, regardless of my belief that he doesn't, he still does. ^_^ yes? I am not entirely sure of what "per se" means or it's correct usage, soooo forgive me if that doesn't work, and I don't think it does, quite. hahaha ;P

Anyhow, thankfully, I am well past that phase in my life. Yet this still "not wanting to be troublesome to others in any possible way" concept of mine is sometimes taken a bit to the extreme. Sigh.

I suppose it will lower with the rise of my self esteem. Hah I love this accepting myself thing. It's rather intoxicating, being okay with who I am as a person. Eeeee (: Not thinking I am great, but thinking that I am equal to others, thinking my opinions are worth something, that I am worth something. It is amazing, after having been so negative towards myself all these years. I really cannot explain the feeling it gives me at times. Mmm

Oh, it's 12.08AM.

But I can honestly say, I am considering it, this diary thing. Not ready yet, but it's a possibility, maybe, a bit further down the line. Who knows? The future is ahead of me, filled with innumerous possibilities, and this road could lead anywhere.



Thursday, October 23, 2008


I have just pinpointed the reason why I specifically hate how my mum and dad won't talk to anyone at church about my overdosing. More than how I hate that my mum is so paranoid and so fearful of trusting people, I have known there was something more there this time, but I couldn't quite work out what, till now.

I know it's not that they are ashamed, but to me it still feels like I am the problem, the problem so bad that they can't talk to any of their friends about it, so bad that they have to hide it from everyone. And I don't want to make my parents ashamed of me.

I know it's not true, my parents are private people. But thank God I told Arvind. Well I told Amanda, Arvind's girfriend, and asked if she could pass it on to Arvind so they could both pray for my parents etc. Hah. And well I'm glad that someone will be, since the only other people who know are Helen from our church, coz she was working at the hospital >.>

And Ashan, another doctor at our church, coz his brother was working at Flinders and also saw us. But Arvind just rang, I'm heaps happy / excited coz Amanda messaged me on MySpace before to tell me that he finally got a job after over 3 months of searching, and it was a time of uncertainty while he second guessed his decision to make the move to Queensland for the job that was offered there. I dunno what happened with that. But I think his contract ran out or something. But he did meet Amanda there, and I sooo look up to Arvind in a way he never even noticed hah, but  I really do. My  mum has been talking to him for ages now, about my overdose blah blah. But it's good. Even though she was hell mad at me for, God forbid, telling someone about it, who might tell other people; come on I can make judgements on character, I'm not always right, but I'm willing to take the risk...

And now she has someone she can talk to about it (:

Heaps freaked about something else, but I'm letting it go till I know more.



"I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised"

You know what, I am glad that this hurts so much. I am glad that I am missing them, and specifically Jake, so much. So much that I physically hurts. Because although I hate it, of course I hate it, I can't stand this, it shows me that I do care about people. I put in effort and care and love to people and they mean something to me. And I am glad that I can do that. No matter how much it can hurt when it goes wrong. Because the memories I have are still there, and they are still so precious. I just thought there would be time to make more of them.

Oh, Jake. I miss you. So much. You have no idea. Actually, you might. But you wouldn't care. I know that. That makes me laugh, it's so typical of you. I could sit here and recount memories and the millions of things that remind me of you. I am astounded at how many things are linked in my mind with you, no matter how obscurely. Sometimes I want to shut it off, this feeling. I hate breaking into tears at the most random moments. Or almost but then not quite. Let's face it, I am something of a drama queen, while I dislike attention, I still want it. When I have it, I tend to shy away from it. And I tend to lie that I don't want this, I ignore it, don't listen to it, but it just manifests itself while I am not looking. I hate it. I don't want to be an attention seeker, that's stupid. It's probably something to do with my over fertile imagination, wanting to bring about things like in books, movies, TV and my own thoughts...

Something to do with not having very many friends when I was younger, since I was so shy. I always needed reassurances from friends when I started making them, in year 7, that they still were my friends. This is probably a more subtle way of getting that reassurance. But I really do hate attention. But then I do like being dramatic. Oh I hate such contradictions.

All I know is I miss Jake, and I miss the friendship we had, I don't want his stupid stupid wristband to be the only thing I have left of him, the wristband and my memories, or "the ghost of what we used to be".

Jake, you're my best friend, please don't let that go so easily... You're never going to read this, and I would die if you did lol. But I love you and miss you so much, please just believe me I do love you, I don't know when you stopped believing that, I don't know when you stopped loving me. But I can't do that, I can't just turn my emotions on or off. I need you. You have no idea.

/tears flooding eyes

hah. God, Jake. I love you so so much. And these memories are driving me insane. I want you back so badly. I want our going for walks at night, sitting in the park and play fighting, the rescue car, the hugs, I miss just being with you, walking to school and back with you, our little stupid jokes, talking to you about everything, standing outside our houses together after school, watching Phoebe, you coming over and us putting together a fairy puzzle, Facepunch and falling asleep while on MSN to you because I was so tired but didn't want to stop talking to you, Star Wars arguments and magic discussions LOL, you meeting Lynley, I miss how close we were, but I would settle for just a distant friendship, I long for you, for your friendship, for what we had, hah Kirsten tonight said we were so cute together, as friends. I am desperate to have you as my best friend, I loved that, calling you my best friend. I loved just everything about you, I still do. But I hate how you can let go so easily...


You mean so much to me.

Why am I writing this, he's never going to read it... Lol, it makes me feel better, kindah. Mmm. I dunno.


Night xx


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Living in the here and now

^^^ That is what I have decided to try to do, to an extent. Focus on things close at hand rather than the past, I'm terrible for looking back and wishing to change things; and looking forward too far and thus freaking out, but ah well.

Random point, last night when I said that I'm empathetic. At the same time, I tend to forget that not everyone thinks the same as me. Most people will interpret the same message and looks differently to how I will, will take wrong meanings when I or others meant something completely different, they will have perspectives on the same subject that seem as obviously right to them as my own, different view will seem to me. I keep using "different" in this paragraph, I apologise, I'd come up with a different word but, I can't be bothered.

I am far too idealistic, I know that. I like to think the best, I like to think that people overall are good and generous and loving, I like to think that we can solve major world problems. Don't disillusion me too much... I'd like to hang onto a little innocence, deluded or not. Another word for this, of course, is naivety, but maybe being slightly naive is not always a bad thing. I like to dream, I make huge plans for things not likely to happen but I half believe we can do it. I just don't really have the motivation to follow through with it I guess.

I have decided on a strategy of Toivoa well-being (:

Today I didn't have time for breakfast but, since mum stopped buying it, bought some Choc Up & Go from the canteen this morning mmmm um num num (: Hah. And took my tablets, made sure to moisturise my scars with that stuff to help get rid of them, the ones on my leg, to be honest I love my scars, I love those scars, I only want them gone so I can wear shorts to school. I'm heaps devastated I lost my pictures of when I made them, and they were glistening with blood. >.>

Forgive me, if you are reading this, take note that I have an unhealthy fascination with blood that goes way beyond any kind of normalcy, and also scars, I have in fact had a scar that took me a couple of weeks to make, that I just wanted to have a scar in the shape of a heart, I didn't do it for any particular self harm reasons, I would not even define it as self harm. I wanted that scar. It didn't turn out so well. But yeah it was not about the pain, it was a little about the pleasure of bleeding (and trust me, that does not mean I like having my period, ewwww), I am slightly morbid at times, although a fascination with blood does not necessarily mean fascination with death, in fact death repels me rather a lot... So morbid is not, perhaps, the right word. However, I do think about dying a lot. Not even in a vaguely suicidal way. Okay okay, there are occasions. But those thoughts are beyond my control, leaving me panicked and struggling to breathe...

But yes, I accidentally deleted those of my phone before uploading them, apart from a couple, just of my leg covered in blood, and the one of my hand with blood on it, mmm. Sorry, it does give me a peverse sense of happiness. I, yeah, I am an odd one. Forgive me. I feel guilty for that, it is something that is not... right, I feel. It is not something I would readily admit to either. Mmm Jake and I have discussed this, I have talked over so much stuff with him, strange considering how closed off he is. And I know he always felt bad about not being able to say anything to make me feel better when I was upset, but his support, knowing that he cared, that was enough! I wish I had managed to make him believe this, I wish I had been able to do more for him. Since some of you know him, I don't have the freedom to talk about him all that much, some things are not really for me to share. Mm.

But anyhow, I have decided that I need to take a stand for myself, take the initiative to being happy, doing what I know is best. Letting, as Amanda says, the strong Toivoa take over. I wouldn't define her as the strong Toivoa, the right but weaker Toivoa. God definitely brought me into contact with Amanda for a reason. She is so similar to me, has had a lot of the same thoughts, experiences as me; understands the way I think. And I am so lucky I trusted her.

Wow, I go off on as massive tangents as Mr Clark haha. I should attempt to structure this; but eh. Later, other blogs. I'm nervous nervous nervous, first conversation with Bec and Sacha in ages, through emails, it's scary and it's filling me with the small flame of hope, hope I do not yet want to feel. I'm more scared of getting hurt than I realised, I'm not sure if things can be worked out, and I don't want to hope in vain. But still I cannot smother the burning. I'm hoping and hoping so painfully, I don't know if I can take it. I'm on the edge of my seat, hoping, hoping, if it hadn't been so long and I hadn't grown so distant from these things, I would be praying, so so edgy.

My blogs are really too long, but I have so much to ramble on about. I have got to try what Amanda said, to realise thoughts and emotions can come into my mind which aren't mine, from tv, etc, and I have to learn to recognise these bad ones that come in and shouldn't be there, and let them go. I will keep my blogs shorter from now on, I promise.

Now the email.


Thus far. So scared. No reason to hope, and yet I am. Hope is not a myth. Thank God for that. But in this situation, I am not ready to hope.

But, for the past three hours, I have had the "post comment" page open on Shazz's blog, and I don't know what to say. Words can't make it better. I have contributed to her pain. I know that. I want to make it better. I don't want her to feel alone. But I don't know how to communicate everything I feel. That has been one of my biggest problems lately.

I have been combing through old TWLOHA blogs, trying to find the "Hope is not a myth" one to hyperlink where I wrote it before, I just read some of the ones where Jamie and Trisha etc went to India. This stood out. "People were made to be free." In this context, it is talking about literal slavery, but people should be free, from feeling alone, from the mental trap we set ourselves. Free from that broken part of us, that failing of the human condition. We deserve to be free of self doubt, and self hatred, etc. I can't express what I mean adequately.

I love how Jamie, and everyone in TWLOHA, acknowledges the very real pain and tragedy all across the world in all its different forms, and yet they do not simply accept it as a fact, like many people. They present the fact that hope is real, they bring hope to the hopeless; they work to change that. I love how it shows so clearly, that one person can change the world. One voice can make a difference.

Hope is still so real in this dark and corrupted world. That fills me with something I can't explain, having that assurance. I guess, it's hope, in something strangely ironic. The idea of hope fills me with hope. But apt, I suppose.

Mmm, I need to do homework. And comment on Shazz's blog.

One small thing.

"Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, I want to see you."

p.s. last night i let myself fall asleep by 12, i had 3 dreams, two with jake and other random people, in the library hah. and one with sacha and bec. not good. kept waking up. i'm gonna keep myself up again later tonight. sigh.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I'm all out words, but I'll spill some to you regardless.

"Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone..."

Oh god I love that chorus.

I'm terrified.

Out of my fucking mind.

The thought of speaking to Sacha and Bec.

Why is there such a strong side to me that I have no control over? That terrifies me. eg. stops me talking to people for no reason, when i don't want to cut off communication with them!

I want to speak to them but I don't know what to say, I don't know what I'm going to say. Terrified terrified terrified.

Talking to Amanda was the best thing that happened to me all day. It was so good.

"Your dad wants you to have the very best, and he's given you every opportunity he could, and protected you from everything, and the reason he's disappointed, not because he's disappointed in Toivoa, because he's disappointed in himself, disappointed that he forget to protect you from one thing, he protected you from everything that could hurt you, except from yourself."

it was something like that. part of what she said. oh i love her so much. haha she doesn't like social workers very much either. she said so much helpful stuff. eh counsellor lady is pretty chill too. why do i keep saying things are chill? /kills self


I just had the strangest thought. it's not that odd, but it just came to me with odd clarity. "Jake is only a couple of metres away." Okay, more than a couple. But maybe 100 metres. I'm in the lounge room at the front of our house. And he is, unless he's on their laptop, in the room their computer is in at the front of his house. [he's on msn] hahhhh oh my god, i wish he was that close in other ways, the word to describe the way i mean happens to escape me..

Forgive me, my thoughts may jump around a lot tonight.

Damn Sam Lane was talking to me tonight, I have actually come to love that boy, he is so caring. Okay the fact that he is going out with Josh maaaajorly creeps me out still, but I guess I've come to that stage of being against something in theory but fine with it in practice. My parents' influence + my upbringing wearing down after being bombarded by this society we live in. Mmm. But okay, Sach and Bec, he told them about my overdosing and going to hospital. Not exactly thrilled about that. ^_^

Agh. I really didn't want them to know. But okay. Apparently they were just like "she's done stuff like that before". I would like to say, okay. But that really really hurts. I didn't want them to know, in case they would be upset by it. And I told myself not to think that, remember they said they didn't care. But I still deep down thought that they would. And now here I am trying to pretend to myself it's what I expected. But ow ow ow ow ow.

Hah. I want to sleep. I want to do work. I think, I'm picking up the "i need to be perfect" attitude, which is never healthy, but coupled with how i don't ever put in even any effort, that downright fucking sucks. Whyyy am I so unmotivated.

There are a thousand thoughts jumbled in my mind. Things counsellor has told me, things Amanda has said, things Sam Lane has said, neverending memories of Jake, and fearful, tentative hope for Sacha and Bec, worrying about what did happen, resentful of misunderstandings, not to mention Kylie hah, curious about where Ben heard what he heard,

seeing Zoe today and how that just wasn't as great as I thought it would be. Time alters how you remember people, you improve the ones you like, in your memory. Zoe is great but truly relate to everything I or Shazz says, sorry but no. It wasn't what I wanted, nor what I expected. It was nice, but frustrating. Empty. It shouldn't have been.

I've grown really apart from Shazz. We were so close, last year and first term this year during Youth Opps. I don't know what happened, a natural part of life, I guess. But, dude. I guess since we hadn't spent heaps of time together I hadn't noticed so pointedly as I have lately, these past couple of weeks. We've been together so much, and I don't know, it's not the same. We used to think the same, feel the same. It's different now. It's not that I don't trust her, but since I've realised that some of the more emotionally charged things I say to her is going to be fed through to teachers, well I dunno about now, but it was, I'm even more determined to remain on guard. Over the holidays I have lost a lot of trust in people. I am struggling to keep that, I do not want to turn out like my mum. Especially having a massive lecture to her about it, about how you need to rely on other people, how people need community, we were built to interact with one another, trust people, open up to people, not let bad experiences, betrayals, leave you bitter; but still keep that faith, that ability to trust. And definitely not, to not trust anyone, to try and keep things under wraps.

If I overdose on painkillers, I will tell who I want. Do not try to hide it, don't try to stop me from telling people, who I want to I shall, and accept that. You can't just hide these things away. Stop pretending mum! Not that you would pretend within the immediate family, only present that perfect facade to the outside world, at all costs. And honestly, what is the point? Oh I don't need to tell other people, I've got your dad, I've got God, to talk to; well that's all well and good, but God made us to have other people to rely on also! God works through a number of ways, he sends his comfort and advice to other people. Through church, can you not make friends that you can trust? How can you be oh so bitter? To trust people, is, yes, to risk pain, but without risks, what is life? And lol "no pain no gain". You risk that chance of being hurt terribly, but you also stand to gain an enormous amount of help and just wonderful relationships with other people.

I'm a very people orientated person, a community orientated person. I believe that people need each other. We do. Shazz, you may disagree, but I still say, you can only live life to the fullest, if living in this world and not wholly and utterly isolated; you will come across problems, and difficulties, and you need people to help you through that. Knowing you can rely on someone is a wonderful thing. Reassuring.

Mmm my mum is missing out. Sadface.

I would say I'm a fairly good judge of character, I do trust people within a short amount of time, but rarely thus far have I been wrong. Unless we want to start on boys, but that was mainly David, and there is good to David. If you can get past all that outer stuff, and if you can see the genuine, caring, loving Dave, you would fall in love with him. It's not something very many people get to see, or if they do, not for long. It's his fear of getting hurt that makes him distance himself from people he becomes close to, within a short amount of time. I miss that, that Dave I love. The other, dickhead one, he has his moments, but nothing so endearing. The gentleman one. Oh. It breaks my heart that not all that many people get to see that side. I still wonder, is that side actually just a lie he made up? I can't even tell anymore, but I want to believe the best in everyone and I choose to believe that part of him is real.

Shazz, I listen, and understand, but I tend to have more positive views I guess. I always have, but then I'm still the one who ended up in hospital for overdosing, not being allowed to go to school, losing my best friends, hurting myself way more, not working at school, with a not so great relationship with my parents, forcibly depriving myself of sleep;

I mean, for all my positive tipped thoughts, it's not really having that much of a positive effect on life. I also think the best of people. I refuse to accept that Ingham is a jerk, or Shazz, that you are a fuck up, simply because neither is true. I am incredibly empathetic and I cannot be angry at Ingham. If I distance myself I can, but I choose not to. Ms George, I did, and thus am still angry about. I understand why you're angry at Ingham but I understand the reasons for the way he has reacted.

Another thing, yeah I have noticed I am empathetic, yes, and I pick up other people's emotions and they influence mine easily, but I know that if I want, I can just completely switch it off, go into stony, cold Toivoa. That worries me, I've done it a little, but I don't want to have the capability of being that icy person. Because I know it isn't good. I never wanting to lose feelings. At least if I'm hurting, I know that I'm alive.

Not that that last line has relevance in context, it's just that I don't want to stop feeling. Being numb is a fear of mine. Like losing the people I love. Ohhh you did real well there Toivoa.

Mmmm rambling, rambling, this is a really long blog. it's completely incoherent, and shazz, I am sorry if any of this is offensive. It's not meant to be. it's merely observations. I admire you for your perseverance, your strength, your fighting for so long, I am so proud of how hard you are working. Don't give up darling, you're doing better than you know.

I think I have a slight girl crush on Lynley. Like, not like I actual like her, but there is definite "If I was a guy" thinking hah. :| Dear god.

In other news, my Friday night absolutely kicked ass. It was so good man. I loved it (:

Mmmmmlalalammmlalala. I'm hell tired. It's only 11:33.

i want random people to read my blog and subscribe lol. that would be awesome.



Monday, October 20, 2008

You Drained Me Empty and Hung Me Out To Dry

I'm out of words, and out of touch

To be honest I didn't think it could hurt this much

I'm losing feeling, brain cells too

I'm losing everything, I lost you.

I thought I could set anything down on a page

I thought that was the answer

But I'm sitting here dazed

And the thoughts are spinning around in my head

Washing machine, clothes dryer,

Just put me to bed.

I'm searching for letters, to make just one word,

But nothing is coming, say I'm being absurd.

And the fear is growing from deep in my chest

My one escape gone, help me, I'm out of my depth/

Well the light at the end of the tunnel has gone,

I'm so empty, so hollow, don't care what's going on,

And I'm dripping, I'm melting, I'm fading away,

Nothing you do makes me want to stay.

"Hello, I'm the ghost, the ghost of your past,

Aren't I familiar, did I slip by so fast?"

The words gallop away,

Leaving me trapped within

My deepest fear,

"Let me out", or come in!

I'm chasing these futile lines in the wind,

Leaving you to this world

So gloriously dim,

And I'll look back but keep on forever this way,

Keeping, keeping, the memories at bay.

"it's the worst thing ever, i only do prose. and it's unstructured, written on the top of my head, may come back and fix it later, but eh."


Tuesday, October 14, 2008


Wahhhhhh. Seriously. I could just write a massive crying blog right about now.

Now Shazz has gone and I have nothing to distract me, even briefly. I'm craving coffee, haven't had any in ages.

I am so low right now and it's probably because of sleep deprivation, also haven't been taking my vitamin D and iron lately. I should, I know I should, God knows I don't want rickets, osteoporosis or depression etc, but ever since the hospital, I cannot be bothered. Even when mum has left them out for me. I don't know why. I was in the routine before and that completely upset it, but it shouldn't be too hard to get into again! There's something stopping me. Like the thing that stops me from sleeping.

My maths classroom depresses me. I can literally feel it from the instant I walk in through the doorway. It's like the bright and positive things in life all disappear. It's not just the teacher. It is actually the room. Sure it's kinda dark, but my German classroom is darker, and I am fine there. The walls and ceiling are all white, yet the place is depressing and the mood inside is dim. I am ten times more likely to start crying in that class than any other. Mr Miles doesn't help, he makes the atmosphere worse. I hate how stupid I feel. When everyone knows exactly what to do and I have no idea; do I retain any information at all?? Or was I ever actually taught it? Is everyone else just smarter than me? Have I allowed not putting in effort to get to the point where I actually have become stupid where I wasn't before? I'm so confused and I feel so terrible. I look at myself, and I look at Shazz, my god I see the effort she puts in, she tries so hard. I am so proud of her but at the same time I am so ashamed, of myself. If I could cut through this haze of being unable to just do the work, to be motivated and stay on task, to follow things in priority order and do what I know I should. It is my own fault, I know that.

I know that.

But I still cannot seem to break that boundary.

I am held captive by so many things in my life, trappings of my own device that are so deep set I don't even know what they are. Inhibitions I don't even realise I have. And these stop me from doing what I should. And by this not being done, it creates more stumbling blocks and fences around me.

I am weighed down by a million things and I'm not really struggling anymore. I'm letting life kinda take away everything I never wanted to lose. Even as I determine to stay strong, to keep fighting, even in some ways as I am, in the long term I have let life take me and beat me down. I'm running out of time to set things straight. Year 12 is so close. I'm so fucking capable of doing these things, the school work, but there are all these things that stop me. Why can't I break free?

I feel so lost, and lonely. I have never felt so alone. Despite everything, I have been losing my trust in people. I am closing myself off and being more cynical, noticing how manipulative I could be and possibly am beginning to do so. That is not the kind of person I want to be. I used to be strong. In some ways, I have gained strength. But I used to be so dead set in my morals. I have always respected people with strong morals and won't be pressured into things. I have let a lot of my morals go. I feel ashamed of that. I am losing myself.

Not much of a loss.

Ah, one of those thoughts that still creep in. But see, it doesn't really ring true anymore. One thing I am quietly happy about.

But there is too much negative stuff. I will acknowledge the positive as much as I am able. However, the dark side is strong. Lol Star Wars much? But it is. The bad things are always easier to remember, hang more oppressively, have more of an impact. This applies to many. Are we people who prefer to have a negative perspective, who like being unhappy? A thought keeps coming into my head lately, - "I am addicted to misery". And I am. It's something I will bring about for myself because it is what I want. I can distract myself and be happy for a time, not complete, proper happiness, but even that is refreshing.

And I don't feel comfortable with that. I remember Sacha and Bec and Jake, I purposely look for memories that remind me of them. I do not want to be happy without them. I know that. I also have to prove a point, I'm terrible like that, it's one sure fire way to be able to manipulate me. But this point I must prove to myself, this point that I will not be happy without them, cannot live without them. This isn't proper living. It's something between living and existence, sometimes this shadow pokes its head out into the bright sunlight of truly living, becoming human, but for the most part it remains in the gray area, a dead soul within a waking body.

Lalala Larissa gets gayly overdramatic again. It's because I'm tired. I talk complete crap, even more than usual, at this stage.

I don't want to be alone, with my mind having complete control, I don't want to expose myself to the vulnerability of sleep. Where the dark side of my mind can take control. And I can do nothing to stop it. I fear where these thoughts of mine can take me, to the black places where I don't want to go. I'd rather stay awake.

You know what, I want to fight for my right to life. Because I do have that right, that right to liiiive. And I am going to do exactly that. I want to live. I have to learn not to stop living, no matter what the pain. I have always believed that it is worth it in the end. No matter how now, I feel that I wish I was never friends with Jake because of how much I miss him, I know I don't really wish that. Because all the great memories are still there. I just really wish we could make more. I do love him so much.

Hmmm my mind is wandering, I'm changing subjects completely incoherently. I shall stop here, for now.



Monday, October 13, 2008


All stories have a beginning. This comes a little late, it's been over 16 years since the start of this particular story, however may as well try to cut in and document this one from now.

To be honest I've never felt quite comfortable or sure in describing my life as a story. In itself, yes, it is, an ongoing one. However, thinking about the beginning of the story, where exactly did this begin? When I was born, or further back, when I was conceived (and God knows no one wants to hear details about that), or further still; when my parents met? This would mean the stories of their lives are part of my story. And by the same reasoning, their parents' lives would be part of their own stories, making my grandparents' stories also a part of mine. And so on...

Not to mention, all those people in my life who have had an impact on me; how did they become a part of my life? That in itself is a story, which is in turn part of the story of both that person and I. Thus, each person is a story. Or if you will, a song. Yet each person's story is inextricably linked with hundreds, if not thousands, millions of people's stories. These lives, these stories, these songs, are all ultimately connected to each other, one great big complicated story and song, ever growing, the sub plots too vast to ever be contained in a book, let alone the overall scheme of things documented in any such way...

Life is an odd, huge, mysterious thing. I am awed to be a part of it when I think of it in this way. But in day to day terms it seems to me a dreary thing, overloaded with pain that I am not willing to stand. So many times I have lain down, decided I am giving up. Not giving up by entering death, another great mystery, but by simply existing, getting through life, merely a "shadow", with no impact or presence whatsoever. But there is something within me which refuses to accept that. That, no matter what, wants to live. Even when I feel that I do not want to live, I cannot deny that still, even when I feel that there is  nothing left, there is too much to live for. Without being able to pinpoint a certain thing, it is simply life. Life is a great adventure, I want to wander and explore it, I want to experience it, I want to live. And the times I feel this the most strongly, I feel young and burning with passion, perhaps a purpose, even if that purpose is to find a purpose. Those are the times I feel strong and confident, I suppose it is that thing known as the foolishness of youth. That rash perspective, that reckless joy in being alive, feeling invincible. Like you could fly. Those are some of the times I feel irrepressible. I hate to be shown that even in these moments, I can be brought crashing down.

Perhaps I allow other people to great an influence on me. I can be made sad by their sadness, flat by their anger, scared by their fear. And this is just characters in a TV show. Friends' moods have a huge impact. Too empathetic? I do not know. But I take it as part of who I am.

This acceptance, this learning to take who I am and be okay with it, it's something I am still gaining a feel for; it is new and strange and most of all, exciting. That I can even like things about myself, it is positively delicious. It is a wondrous thing, I feel like I am still tip toe-ing around in awe after stumbling into the Cave of Wonders..

I ramble. I am too long-winded, I know. It's 1.28 AM and I have school tomorrow. However I don't have to go to 11.30 dsfhlkds. Ah well.

I may leave to bed. Not much of an introduction, by any standard, but it will have to do. Night..


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Some blog recommendations

Blogs I really enjoy reading and think you might too, or that are at least worth you taking a look at. I'll explain why I think said blogs are worth reading, so you can gain some idea as to whether you want to check them out or not. I'm not doing this simply as a favour to other bloggers, nor am I expecting such recommendations about my blog in return, but to you, my followers, and others who may wander onto my blog, I am giving you the chance to gain a glimpse into yet more minds (:

(Please note that these are not in any order, they all have their merit for different reasons and thus are not justly comparable to one another.)

#1. Paper Cranes & Paper Smiles, the blog of Car Crash Hearts. Her name is derived from lyrics of her favourite band, Fall Out Boy. Although she is indeed a friend of mine, I sincerely believe her blog is worth a look, and following. For those of you who think I am a competent writer, her talent far outshines mine. While I for the most part limit myself to prose, and you can check out why by taking a look at the posts under the category "bad poetry", she can write great prose, free verse, poetry; she is currently writing lyrics for a mutual friend's band to already composed music. I'm lucky enough to have had a song written about me by her, something I find to be highly flattering.
I love her writing in general, while sometimes, abstract, shall we say, it is always poetic, if not always making obvious sense. But only in the best way!
She is nothing if not brutally honest, emotive and heartfelt in her writings. Trust me, not as her friend, but as a fellow writer, this 17 year old has maaaajor talent. So go find out for yourself. (:

#2. Comic Book Superzero by Phil
While Phil doesn't post often, or maybe that's just by my insane standards of once daily, as a minimum; what he does write is highly entertaining, with stories of random funny events in his life, for the most part. And of course, the lower the number of posts, the easier it is to not miss anything. It's great for a laugh, well written, and makes my day to read. He comments and follows too (:

#3. Diary of an Old Fart by Mulled Wine. I've recommended this before, so merely copy pasting recommendation, and probs deleting that singular post...
It was titled Never Judge a Book By its Cover

Okay, while there is some merit in the old phrase, we do tend to pick up books with covers that catch our eye.
But when it comes to this blog, definitely don't make the mistake of judging it by its title...
"Diary of an Old Fart" is the blog of a 64 year old (i think?) man and is a brief account of events in his day to day life...
While the title isn't the most flattering, he writes in a quirky, thoroughly entertaining and at times, thought provoking way; never going on too long, as I am continuously guilty of.
There is a lot of reflection and it's an insightful look into his life, I enjoy reading it, and part of the attraction is that it takes so little time, I can read it quickly and still get a lot out of those few paragraphs.
It's touching.
I love it, you have got to read it for yourself! (:

#4.Do You Hate It Too> by Michael.
Do You Hate It Too is a blog where Michael writes about all the different things in life that he finds frustrating, from Turnstiles to Crocs [the shoes] to people's reactions to different things. It's entertaining reading, at least, and slightly thought provoking at best, as we consider how our actions may impact others. At first it irritated me how many complaints he had, but now I find it amusing and interesting even when I don't find the action or object in question to be irritating.

#6. Graze If You Want To, But Don't Eat Dirt by Crazy Sister
"Crazy Sister" is an Australian mum of two young children, and her posts about her children and daily life are entertaining and amusing.

#7. Swing Life Away by LittleJ
This is a new blog but I like it, its poetic and most of the posts are named after colours and describing why the day is like that colour. It's great [I'm saying that too much this post aren't I?] (:

#8. Where the blog are you? for all those Aussie bloggers out there. Yay we have a community (:

#9. My Pointless
The funniest true stories of the dumb things people do

#10. Your Beard Is Good
Funny Indian Guy

#11. Surviving Myself
He's funny

#12. Pearl, Why You Little...
Just do it

#13. Keep Believing
Truly inspiring. The wife of a man who has been dying of terminal cancer for years. He has only recently passed away. Her story.

#14. Baking With Plath
Hilarious. Like a female, non Indian version of Rs27 or whatever from Your Beard Is Good

#15. I Need A Martini Mom
Funniest Kindergarten Teacher, Mother, and Wife ever, but also sweet.

#16. Confessions of a Twenty Something Year Old
22 yr old Cheryl. She's funyn

#17. No Ordinary Rollercoaster
Absolutely hilarious, you have to check this out


Ze Cast

Here is basic information about some of the people who feature in my life and thus my blog, so you have a better idea of what's happening in my life...

Me- Just some basics you should know. I used to hurt myself on purpose. Most people call it self harm. Never again. However, I still find it hard not to at times. Final year of school, year 12, at a crappy public school. Aiming for Uni next year, Nursing / Occupational Therapy / God knows what. I'm not really sure yet. Can't think of any other background you should know so far,

The Best Friends

- The Ex Best Friend. I miss him, a lot; I don't even know what the hell happened between us but it went wrong. We spent a lot of time together until we stopped being friends, but we're now talking again, a bit. I used to like him, before we were best friends, and maybe even for some of that time too, I've never really been sure, but there was never any chance of us being any more than friends. We've started talking again recently, but not a lot. I'd do anything for him. [JRLB.]

- The other Two. Rainbow Brite and Little Miss Sunshine. My best friends ever, who I screwed everything up with last year, for many stupid reasons. It's important that you understand this about the whole situation. Again, I'd do anything for them. Never had best friends so amazing.

Justin - 27, Youth Worker, married, have known him for just over two years. Everyone who knows him loves him, he is really sweet, funny, easy to get along with; you can easily tell him everything about yourself within a few days of knowing him. He's amazing, is great for conversation, caring. Loves skateboarding, graffiti art. I want to end up with a guy who is something like him. Oh, and I know him through a church thing.

Chip, or Lingu (T9 suggestion) - Le boyfriend. We've had a thing for wayy too long but actually got together a few months ago now. He's also Indian, but we're still good friends (I'm not really keen on associating with other Indian people, even though I don't consider myself to be Indian). Really smart, wants to be a Pharmacist for god knows what reason... Currently at University, first year Pharmacy. We became friends on MySpace through my friend from primary school when they were dating, and after we met in real life, were friends who hooked up. After we both actually began to like each other, we were an unofficial couple for a few months in 2008. Hanging out with him is a lot of fun. He hates walking scenes in movies and gets impatient really quickly. He tends to talk about me to randoms when he's drunk, in between calling me to actually talk to me. Lamest sense of humour ever; so lame it's funny. I love him.

Chris- Ex from April-ish, 2009, dropped out of school to join the Navy. There is so much shame that I ever even considered us friends baha.

Italics Boy - Friend from church, into volleyball. We were kinda together in early 2009 before I started liking Chris, who I eventually decided I wanted to be with over him, although he doesn't know about Chris. Pretty nice but kinda annoying. Like a lot.

The Sister - Younger than me by 364 days, so that for one day we're the same age. We're really close, talk about most things, I love her so much.

Lynley - My best friend at school. She is in the grade below me, and I love her so much. I tell her pretty much everything.

Kathleen - known as My Mofo, Legosaur, Saw Lady, and a range of different things. My best friend from primary school. I've known this girl since I was in Grade 3, and will have for ten years by the end of 2009. We've only become so close since high school, and especially over the last year. While we're very different people, our friendship works perfectly, and she has always been there for me. We've shared our highest and lowest points and of course, there's nothing like reliving the primary school memories every time we get together. We go to different schools, but we still see each other as much as possible. She's into friendship bracelets and fishermen pants, and other hippy-like things. We share our shoe size and incidentally, a love of Converses. She hates spending money and it's a struggle to convince her to buy anything, even if she likes it; whereas I couldn't part with my money any sooner than I do. We job hunt together and tell each other everything. Her twin brother is also great.

Bass Boy - Also my best friend. Shhh, I know this is so high school, but yes, I have more than one best friend, and all of them are as important to me. However, Bass Boy finished Year 12 last year, but we still see each other regularly. We have a lot in common but I don't need to go into that. We like hanging out at my house and watching movies like Space Chimps and Star Wars, over and over again. He plays bass guitar really well and is currently doing a Certificate 4 in Music at Tafe, and loving it; also playing in two bands. He's 19 and so, my alcohol purchaser. Loves his gf Tara. C:

David - First guy I had a major, major crush on. Most confusing person I have ever met.

The Ex Ex Best Friend - Cynta - I was really good friends with her earlier in high school, but had some major fights and only recently have begun talking again, it's kinda weird but good, although I doubt we'd ever call ourselves friends again. Click here for more on that.

That's all for now.