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Friday, July 31, 2009

I hate myself currently. Or to be more accurate, I hate that I get
this way. I'm grumpy and moody, irritable, upset, emo, you name it.

I'm just pissed off at everything, at the way I feel bloated, at the
way I haven't seen Chip in weeks and shan't for another week, at my
utter lack of motivation and the general mediocre quality of life at
the moment.

Perhaps it is because, in taking antibiotics for the flu, I had to
stop taking my iron and vitamin D tablets. That does usually affect
me. But that tends to be straight out depressed or mood swinging. Not
this ridiculous, bitter, cynical, harsh attitude that permeates even
whilst happy. It coasts along under each and every other emotion and
damn if I'm not MORE bitchy than when PMSing. Yes folks, you read that

I'm pissed off at people I don't want to be angry at, angry at having
to maintain conversation with Chip. I don't know how anyone can or why
they would put up with me when I'm like this. How can Chip stand me?
Why doesn't he break up with me??? Why is he with me?

I just want to feel like I am doing something with my life, getting
somewhere, being successful...

The other half of me just wants to do something violent.

Towards myself, preferably, but who cares?

I shan't.

But it would be soothing.

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Sunday, July 26, 2009

So when you tell me that you love me know for sure...

I don't wanna be lonely any more.

So Rob Thomas sung, and quite probably, shall sing again. I'm looking
for someone I can sing that to, not literally of course.

I'm lonely, at the heart of everything else. With my best friends
Kathleen and Lyn and Bass Boy and my various other friends, I've got
this void I'm trying to fill. BF, sure, he's got his place. But I
can't talk to him about him and other boys, about girly things and
movies and anime and joke about old memories and a future together. We
don't have a long term future together. I do not see us getting
married, although I'm fine with being proved wrong on that. He may be
the ever elusive "one" but for now he is merely my boyfriend, and
while this might sound stupid, I hate that he is the person I am
currently closest to.

At this age, friends are the steadiest thing I have. They are the ones
I can still see having a bond with decades down the line.

Chip, well, we'll see.

I don't want my boyfriend to be the person I go to first to tell
everything, when we have been together for two months. I do not want
to be clingy and I want a solid foundation, I want a girl's view and a
specific sort. Some friendships just click together perfectly, you
know, and I have not been able to find someone who I can talk to about
things like my Rainbow Brite girl. I mean, we talk now. But it's not
the same as before, when we were best friends, secure in our
friendship and able to talk about anything, as we did while wagging
school to get chips at the deli, cringing over the deli lady's mockery
of our order of large fries between the two of us and laughing over
past experiences and future plans. We talked about everything and
although I'll tell Kathleen things, her perspective is different. I
don't see her at school, she only gets ideas of school drama from my

My gossip sources are strained and poor, not to mention slow.

I have no one to discuss my insecurities with Chip because most of my
friends are single and don't seem to want to hear me talk about him.

I miss having someone to talk to about everything who has that specific perspective... I miss you, Becca.


I know, I know. Toivoa, what's been going on? You wrote a sort of victory post and then disappeared off the face of the internet for almost the entire month, something you've never done as a blogger.

Well basically, I haven't been near a computer during my school holidays, and this past week I've been on a self-inflicted, yes, inflicted, internet ban, just to prove an old friend wrong.

I was invited to my best friend's formal (Australian prom) at another school as a back up date when her friend who I know a little had his date pull out on him. This evoked a mad dash to find a formal dress since I hadn't started looking for mine, it being at the end of the year... But dress is bought and I already have suitable shoes (check the header of this blog), so I just need a purse and jewelery.

The thing is, in my week long ban the thing I missed the most was being able to blog but I've had this window open for hours and I cannot write one decent thing. I'm exhausted due to a couple phone calls in the early hours of the morning to my drunken boyfriend and my inability to sleep. I'm sure I'll be back with a kickass post tomorrow, but for now, it is with a heavy and tired heart that I must bid you adieu. ;)

Much love.


Thursday, July 2, 2009

One Year Today. :)

I must be strong; I've come so far, you know. Although at times it seems a good thing, I understand the destructiveness behind your deception. Your incredible power is so seductive, but then, you're well aware. You're enticing, addictive. And I've always had trouble saying no...

You work so cunningly, so slyly. Attacking with loneliness and the fear it brings me - a little low, don't you think? Not that I ever mistook you for being honourable. You'd use every weapon in your arsenal and more tricks beside to have me at your feet once more, in helpless, fawning, obeisance.
We've walked that road so many times.

I love the way that you toy with us, at times gentle, cloaking yourself in the guise of innocence. At other times tempting, playing on guilt, forceful. "Oh, it's not that bad. Not such a big deal." "You know you want to." "You can't keep away. You couldn't before." "You'll never be free of me." Then the blunt shot, wordless. The cravings.

So many methods to employ and so admirably determined. I particularly enjoy the way you leave and come back with a punch; unexpected desire so hard to ignore. Or when you return after enough time has elapsed that its difficult to remember your dark side, even if one recalls it with their mind. Such tactics.

But see, the things is, even though you are so powerful, this power is not all-encompassing. I can turn my back on you, I can look away. I can remain vigilant and fight you with everything I've got. And what have I learned? That you are not indestructible. This is a war I'll be fighting for a long time; perhaps the rest of my life, but I am taking this stance and I am not giving in. I will not fall to you no matter how you plead or scream. This is me saying "never again".

A year ago I was in darkness, slave to a blade and the desperate need to flee from myself, from reality. Blood and pain flowing freely in a darkened room, heart more lost and broken than alive. Today I am fighting and more sure of one thing than ever before, that "hope is not a myth".

It was never going to be easy. I've caved enough times before to know. And sometimes fighting takes more effort than I've got, causes more pain than I know how to bear. I try try try and sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. Sometimes it isn't enough. But today, its been a year since I last cut, last hurt myself on purpose, and I am so proud of how far I've come. I never thought that I could do this, so many times when all I could see was pain and hurt; inescapable cycle; and yet, I have reached the other side of this dark tunnel.

Hope is real.

I'm not going to lie; I will find myself in the dark with the want to escape many more times. And this time, each time, to you, addiction, monster that would have me trapped in your grip, I will say no. I do not belong to you. This is over.

I am free.

(I originally wrote this last night, right after the previous post, but it is fitting for today, no?)


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Depths of Loneliness

Alone in the dark, once again. Less alone or more alone? Think back one year exactly, fast forward twenty-four hours. Different room. Same house. And all I had for company blood, pain and a glint of silver in the black of the room. Less alone or more alone?

Think back, think back, when all I had for company was the pain and the blade and the blood. The fierce anger to go deeper, deeper, to unleash that torrent of red. Less alone or more alone?

Is it nights like these that bring it back, suppressed desires for blood? For the anger and bitterness and the loss of reason, loss of reality, loss of pain? More pain to lose that which was already there. Deeper, deeper. Wounds to match both inside and out, maskinglosingovertaking. Less alone or more alone?

Desperate need to lose myself forget myself, drag deeper. Flesh torn roughjaggedraw, the deeper to lose myself. Without escape now does that make me

less alone or more alone?

I think it's the silence and the dark and the way

That I could be alone in the world.
Still alive still around? Talk to me, I need to see that you're still around. Emptiness pressing and no way to forget; where am I left now, less alone or more alone?