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Friday, November 28, 2008

Hold me gently, I'm made out of glass

You make me feel

Like a star / beautiful / amazing / ugly / unloved / rejected / ecstatic / joyful / despairing / unneeded / valuable / content

Right now I feel good, hair straightened, legs silky, moisturised, wearing a slinky dress, heels,

And any one of you can boost that, or tear me down, with just one word, with a look, with an action you may not even notice.

Do you feel like a god, to have such control, well with power comes responsibility, and I'm trusting you, defenceless, remember, you're holding my soul.

I'm fragile, made out of glass, but am I a glass butterfly, precious to keep, or a monstrosity, hid out of sight or shattered in pieces thrown in the trash,

Hold me gently, I'm made out of glass.


A thank you to my mind

For seizing onto topic and bringing me distraction


what a fucking whore

wait no she isn't a whore she's far too ugly to ever possibly one

The most desperate man would rather fuck his grandmother than her, and pay irving to stay away from him for the rest of his life, if only he didn't drop dead in the face of her monstrous appearance first.

I'm so angry, she sent a letter home saying I've missed a number of English lessons, what the fuck is she talking about, I turned up to the majority of those lessons, waste of fucking time as it was >.<

My mum is angry at me again, but dear god seriously what the fuck you prune faced bitch??? [irving, not my mum, thanks]

She's so cantankerous and so narrow minded and almost all of our English tasks are designed by her with such a bias towards what she likes, assignments on her favourite movies, assignments on poems she thinks are worth reading, stating her opinions with no sensitivity as to what may be offensive to some, unwilling to listen to others, set in her ways and so stubborn and refuses to admit another being right over her >.<
sfoijdsklfjd :@

Admittedly I'm only being so angry and so vicious in order to save myself here, from my mind, but anyhow. This is in general, not the overarching rule, and ashfkldsjflds

Anyway, gotta go do my hair, fun stuff.

Ze Bay and seeing Australia tonight (yn), then Kathleen sleeping over. Which reminds me, I have to call her.


And when it comes, it comes so quickly

That you're caught in its grip before you even realise it's there...

The rapid descent into panic, the shortness of breath, the racing thoughts, the headache, the inability to focus, the flitting from one concept to another, desperately trying to find something to settle on, or perhaps to go so fast that everything blurs and the panic, the panic which was caused by a reason you no longer even remember, the panic disappears. With that aim in mind, perhaps a walk, perhaps music during the night, yet in the day, when it traps you so fast, nothing seems to help, except intervention.

Outer intervention, a conversation, a friendly distraction. Help me, I'm trapped in a whirlpool, I'm being dragged down, pull me out.


I'd be screaming if it would put across the urgency better, and in fact I'm already screaming regardless, but it's all within, all trapped within, I need you to release me, calm me down, it's necessary for you to know of the turmoil within, only necessary for you to engage, and the storm subsides...
for a time, for a time...


I'm listening to music I like, that

I heard through Jake. His recommendation. His favourite bands. I dreamt about him again not last night, but the night before, at Hannah's. Nothing suss people, but I have had so many dreams with him...
I can't explain the feeling when I wake up, when he's not there... Not that I mean, physically there, because that would be weird... ;P
When he's not there in my life anymore. And I wake to that reality. And the memory of the dream is still fresh to me, the feelings and emotions, the friendship; and it hurts. That it no longer exists.
That it crumbled, and I didn't even see it coming. I thought it was just another one of our rough patches, and even then not that bad, that it was on the mend, again.
And right now, the pain of what has happened, the pain of not having him, not having my best friend, is so bad it is physically hurting. I don't like to breathe without him in my life. I don't want to breathe without him in my life.
It hurts to be alive without him in my life, to be breathing, sustaining my living, when he's not here! It doesn't make sense, why isn't he here? He should be. It is too much for me to take, that my mind reverts to this childish way of thinking. Selfish. Not understanding, but wanting clearly what I think should be.
It quite literally at this point in time hurts to breathe without him.
But it doesn't make sense.
And it SHOULDN'T be like this.
The nights when I wake, struggling to breathe because of the way it hurts so much, and this applies to Bec and Sacha as well, those are the nights I just cry and cry, if I can find the breath for it, that is. I wasn't lying all the times I told him that I needed him. All the times I told them all I needed them. I'm learning to live without him, to not need him. But I hate that I should have to. Perhaps it is a good thing, somehow. But I don't care. I would rather be friends with him than not, if being friends with him was the worst thing for me...
Jake, I think I'd love you now no matter what. I'd love you even if you were Russian and I never had the chance to know you, I'd love you if you hurt me in every possible way you could, if you tried to hurt me by hurting the other people I love, and I know you wouldn't even do that, but if you did... I still would love you.
I don't love people in a way that's easily thrown off. And you are no different.
I would do anything for you.
And I can't explain, ever, how much I miss you.


Purely Materialistic ++ Pain and Forgiveness

I couldn't get near a computer last night and so, I thought I'd blog on paper.... blog, yes ^_^ I decided to scan it in inside of typing it up... enjoy reading my handwriting ;P

I also used an A5 book for this, therefore this is 16 or so of those pages, a little frustrating perhaps, but I know you're up to the challenge ;D

[i fucking love waiting to upload pics and and then copy paste in html for all of them... not. since Windows Live Writer is being gay and stuffing up with uploading so many pics, which i guess is fair enough but aghhh. if i weren't so persistent i'd have given up instead of going to all this trouble. appreciate >.< lol]

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic



Scanner went retarded






Image and video hosting by TinyPic


Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I dunno what happens to my mind at night.. /shrugs

Sigh, that took forever...


Wednesday, November 26, 2008


It is finished, forever, absolutely completely!!!!!!! Exams are all over...
(yn) (yn) crossing fingers we've all done well.
Well, actually I do have a bit of work to still hand in... Say nothing please.
OMG year 12 is next year
BUT, we got through year 11! And I did it with wearing my senior shirt for about 3 days, maybe a school week MAX. LOL. what will I do next year... Ehh


Maths exam today

rahhhhhh just like, conferenced with Shazz over the phone lol. Cheat sheet half written. More revision necessary.
Shouldn't have left it so late. >.<


Monday, November 24, 2008

Sea red chicken

major blonde moment
What's sea red chicken? What the hell is sea red chicken???
it's seared chicken dumbass >.<
that's one thing i took away from my friday
yay for Macca's lol
and of course who can forget friday night, seeing Catherine again after a week, driving to Shazzling's and going to Macca's AGAIN aha
i handed out 18 resumes over Thursday and Friday and over the last two weeks have applied for over 22 jobs online, nothing as yet >.<
I really want a job
We got to do something nice, someone left a folder at the table we sat at at the food court, i took a look and it looked like something to do with esprit, like receipts and monthly sales records etc, so since shazz and i were going to coles while aimee was ordering food after all of us had finished eating, since her salad sucked lol; anyway we decided to drop it off at esprit, while i handed out more resumes on the way of course. The lady at the counter was so nice, she was like thank you so much, it's my managers, etc. it was nice lol.
and hopefully i get a job somewhere. haha i should have handed it in and then applied. but nah... plus i really don't want to work there LOL.
positives for friday already mentioned hah. saturday, ehh i don't remember.
sunday, talked to michelle and kathleen last night, it was good, today is only one day to NCIS lol, I'm in a good mood, German exam done with, I'm happy with myself... ^_^


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Guys, help

i have a task for you. If you each could give me the names of a couple of my posts, any at all, from this blog, which you consider to be the absolute most insightful towards my personality and / or the way i think. If a certain post is unnamed, copy paste the url for that specific post in...

It's fairly valuable to me if you do this
Lol explanations later

Positives for today, omg so many lol

Well english exam this morning, while the comprehension was ugh, the essay questions we could choose from were interesting, out of 10 i narrowed it down to 3, and, honestly, i struggled deciding which to use, i could have written about so many. I used destroying avalon for it and discussed issues raised in it, i could have kept going for ages. But i managed to restrain myself lol.

Mmm then shazz and kate came back to mine and we cranked the folk metal (major lols) and frank sinatra, tom jones, and sweeney todd, amongst the usuals like f.o.b., the secret handshake, etc...
Saw nick!
Kfc for lunch, hot rods ;D
Printed out resumes and shiz, slight moment of panic ahahahahaa for lack of stapler but all turned out fine, saw my counsellor, ehh she's lovely, met up with kathleen and jef at marion, aha omg jef is so hot. We got michelle and sarah their present, handed out heaps of resumes, jef drove us to their house. Today is their 17th btw.
They loved it, we spent just under an hr with them, it was lovely. Confirmed that stephen, a guy in our class in primary school l, really is married, at 17. ! ! !
Ahaha how weird.
Came home.
No fight with parentals tonight.
Plus marion again tomorrow.
Also today was good in that i got to spend a bit of time with kate, which i haven't done in a while.
I'm seeing amanda (small group leader from xs) next wednesday, and yeeeah. (: (:


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

okay so here it is

i'm giving it everything i've got
And i don't have all that much left in me, in fact i didn't have a lot in me to start with....
and i'm trying, i'm truly am, even though there's the side of me that wants me sick and stuff to make them feel guilty, that selfish part that doesn't care about them and only cares about getting what i want. And i want it but not from that, not at that cost
I cant quite leave jake alone, but i'm happy for him, i'm SO happy he is happy, it makes me smile to think of it, because, i really really do love him. As a friend. Let's not even talk about how i'm going with school work. But english exam tomorrow, i'm excited lol (:
I love english hah

Oh p.s. I almost forgot... Positive thing for today. After all the tension, the let down wasn't quite so horrible as i thought it might be...
Maybe i'm just numb,,,
Buuut mm what else, oh, yr 11 is over, just exams. I'm not so happy about that though... Ehh.



not really but it feels like and the feeling won't go away



You left your mark on everything you touched
But most of all my heart
I'm cliche, already said, all done
I'm second hand, not that "new start".
You've heard it, seen it, same old plot
In trashy teenage fiction
Heroine, heartbroken,
Drugs, suicide, addiction.
Tragic, oh, the awful pain,
If only for to read,
False words conjure an image where,
He returns if you but bleed;
Realise his mistake and comes,
Rushing to her side,
Hollywood story, love reigns true,
"you may now kiss the bride".

Well life is shit and so's this poetry and it's nothing like we like to pretend.
Of course fairy tale endings do happen...

I've tried to drown the memories
But It's my head under water....


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

something positive

I need a little help here guys
idk if i've mentioned, but i'm trying to do this 30 day challenge and think of something positive every day. I'm having a very bad day and i've got nothing, i'm in a dark place right noww, lost in its swirling depths....
I'm writing my story of why i want cancer though...
I guess it could be good, i've been writing a lot lately


Sunday, November 16, 2008

it's got long, creepy legs

it's on the screen.
it's disgusting.
/kills self

[see previous blog]

i swear to god it is diseased


ashfdkljdkjflkdsjgfds ++ CUTE

I am actually so freaked out. I hate flies, am scared of spiders and am fine with most bugs except when I just feel them and think they're spiders on me. I'm terrified of blow flies. But most of all. I hate so much the flies that crawl more than they fly. They have the creepiest legs. And they just hang around. There is one around the keyboard right now and it's terrifying me so much. I am freaking out so badly. I keep flapping my arms, if you saw me you'd die laughing but right now, I'm about to cry. They scare me so much :(

In my mind they are obviously infected with disease  because they look like it and are likely to bite me coz they're insane, they're not normal flies, I mean why would they crawl... And infect me with like, malaria. Or just, I dunno. /agitated face + mannerisms Toivoa does when scared like this.

and if it comes on my face, I'm trying not to scream coz Deborah's in bed and stuff

BUT OH MY GOD I would freak out silently so bad.

Like when I'm so scared but bite my hand to keep myself screaming because I can't do anything or something, I dunno



:( :( :(

okay, addition, half an hour later...
i love it. it's like, God has designed you, uniquely. You are special. it's soooo cute (:

"I can see the tears filling your eyes
And I know where theyre coming from
Theyre coming from a heart thats broken in two
By what you dont see
The person in the mirror
Doesnt look like the magazine
Oh but when I look at you its clear to me that

I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
Youre a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And youre covered with the fingerprints of god

Never has there been and never again
Will there be another you
Fashioned by gods hand
And perfectly planned
To be just who you are
And what hes been creating
Since the first beat of your heart
Is a living breathing priceless work of art and

Just look at you
Youre a wonder in the making
Oh and gods not through no
In fact he's just getting started!"



Saturday, November 15, 2008

I have no words

Watch this.

If you don't get it, I will explain what it's trying to show. Okay, like, the first black guy is romance, then in yellow shirt is the promise of money and wealth; move onto the girl, obviously alcohol etc, the girl in pink is signifying wanting to look pretty + thin and everything that goes with it, the last guy is depression, and in all of these things she is trying to find satisfaction...

I have cried so much, watching it 5 times in a row.

Watch it one go. Let it play through, then replay. So it won't keep stopping when you watch it the first time.

At first you're like um what... But it's actually really powerful.



Friday, November 14, 2008

i hate everything

not really, just my inability to concentrate and stay on task etc.

^_^ check that out, before I would have left it at, "me" instead of that ^^^

i'm getting better. self respect (:

also, i decided to do a challenge someone on social vibe started, 30 days positive thinking, to think something positive every day for 30 days and take note of it. the idea is that you'll post it on the forum to keep track off it.

by the way make a social vibe account. it's a website that, you pick a charity, and a company that will be a sponsor, as given by the site, and you put a "badge" of it on your social network page, be it facebook, myspace, etc. And everytime someone looks at your profile, your sponsor will donate money to your selected charity. there are also other ways to earn points. but how easy is that for a way to help out a good cause? and it doesn't even cost you anything! so i recommend it highly (:

spread the word

to get it, just go to my myspace and click the social vibe link (:

hah i made myself feel better by talking about something good (:
however my assignment is still undone and completely not even started. sadface.


Just A Thought

In these blogs, most of us here who have joined who I know, are revealing some of  our most intimate thoughts...

Now would this enable us to like a person more, if this was the way we got to know them, through their blog of personal thoughts? If this was the first thing we knew of them. I think so, because we'd be seeing themselves through their eyes, we'd feel their pain, we'd be led to sympathise with them; while, if we knew them in real life, it's quite possible we could hate them because of how they seem to us... so many people are good at concealing the feelings they have inside that render them the same as, with the same questions, same feelings, or even different ones, but still, imperfections, things that make them similar to us; and this makes it easier to feel closer to them, I think.

Or judge that they are pathetic or horrible, even. But I don't think so. Unless they really are. But as an outsider, looking in on a situation, it may be easy to think a person is pathetic. Seeing their personal take on their situation can sometimes completely change that.

I dunno... I just think that perhaps this openness, perhaps it is a good thing to employ. This honesty. In real life, it may be a bit odd to meet someone and instantly spill your heart, but I think, being honest and 0pen to an appropriate degree has definite advantages. I don't know...

I'm not entirely sure of the point I'm trying to make lol. But, like, on my blogs, it has the option to say "you're emo" as a reaction. these are anonymous. and yet no one has done it yet, and considering some of my blogs lately ^_^...

Another thing. I think sometimes, we let our love for others be conditional. Even if we don't realise, even with those we love most, we can set small conditions on this love. Not so as to completely turn away from a person, but so as to act unlovingly towards them, which is perfectly reasonable, but it is still a condition that is set. That if a person doesn't act a certain way or do a certain thing, we can sometimes act as though we don't love them at all. And since actions speak louder than words...

Mmm I dunno.

also i keep freaking out thinking there are bugs on me... there was a spider on my arm two days ago, tiny but ehh. and last night like quite a few bugs. and since ze spider, i've been freaking out. and you know when it feels like something moves on your arm or whatever and you're like, !. hah it's that, and sometimes like a length of hair has fallen on my arm or idk, just sensations. and i freak. and like spaz lol. ughhh. or maybe i'm insane. like that disorder... idk which one lol.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

tonight [updated]

I am closer than before to fixing things with Bec and Sach, and I have never in all this time wanted more to absolutely rip my arms to shreds. Hah I have had different ways of wanting to cut, or places, but this, so badly, just to tear up my entire forearms, both of them, like i have ripped up a piece of cloth, so viciously and roughly. The most appropriate word that comes to mind is mauling. The urges come suddenly.

Hah that would be appropriate, spreading the love Toivoa, then coming home and cutting yourself.

I'm SO CLOSE to fixing this.

And so close to losing this game of self preservation.

"A stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart."

Or I suppose I could carve Love into my arm hahhhhh

Like I was gonna write their names, / first letter of their names. haha but i realised how creepy and stalker like. ehh.

I miss Jake.

oh p.s. don't worry, i won't do anything

in addition coz i don't want to keep adding random paragraph long blogs every half an hour or so like, last night or whatever. anyhow. i just want to say. i absolutely hate. how. sacha said, in the latest thing of this email. that I seem fine without them. !!! Obviously I do a better job of covering up around them then I thought. I mean, I try to act normally, but for the most part, I tend to completely forget what I'm saying / doing when they are around, my mind loses any coherency. And I think about them a million times a day, I don't sleep because I miss them too much and they are in all my dreams >=| I just wish they knew how much I actually do miss them and need them and am not just "fine" without them. But like, I can't tell them. I don't want to do that, it comes across insincere and like I'm looking to make them feel bad and guilt them back into being friends. And I don't want that. But I do wish they knew how much I am not fine without them... they should know they mean more to me than that..


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


write Love on your arms and spread the word to everyone you can, the message that TWLOHA aims to put out there, that, mainly, of hope. i'ma wear my shirt yay
if you don't know what it is, www.twloha.com
ima gonna write short quotes by jamie / renee or just, love is the movement, or even just love, and then the website underneath on sticky notes and put them around the school
and write love on people's arms and the website address on there too if they don't know what it is
pumped (:
now, thoughts on my hair being like in that blog down there?
like, two down..


I don't like

my current name on here... not your hero, it's from a Boys Like Girls song "I am not your hero, I can't even save myself"

But I made it all anonymous

And I realised that's annoying because my two email addresses which i use and my last.fm profile all contain my name, and my user names for most things is just laryissa, which isn't incredibly hard to realise is my name with a y added in. what bec calls me if you're wondering, since i prefer it to my other popular nickname, lari. pronounced larry, thanks >.< aha.

give me ideas.


I want hair like



girl on the right ----------------------------> ^

orrr on the left but not blonde

but different

coz it wouldn't suit me like that, gay

but like, black. and i like my hair short. though i kindah want it long as well. and i'd like pink bits but apparently that wouldn't suit me so maybe blue, bright blue.  but then i'm not confident enough to pull it off in my fringe / right at the front, not all the time. besides parents would shoot me lol. and fringes are horrible when they grow out. okay, so fringe like girl on left, but black. izzy hilton? ehh some myspace whore most likely.

whatever. and yeahh hair like the girl on the right but less scene myspace whore and short like mine, heaps more choppy with layers and coloured bits from under the layers... /nods (:

orrr just that hah

cept i couldn't pull it off, nuh uh no way ;P


I have to fix this.

now. Soon it will be the holidays and then it will be too late. There's just over a week. I know I need to do it now. I knew it even before Sacha and Bec told me.

But I don't know what to do!

/freaks out

Sacha said the other night via myspace

"this whole thing is stupid
if you wanna talk to me and bec
just come and talk to us"



buuuut. they are always with someone else! how am i supposed to just go interrupt? i don't even know what to say

i don't even know if i have anything to say.

i can't think of anything

i don't know



God. Love.

"God is our refuge and strength,
      always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
      and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
      Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"

God I need to learn to lean on you. But for now I don't find myself able to accept anything of you. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's too late.

It's never too late >.<


other versions...


"God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
   We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
      courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
   Before the rush and roar of oceans,
      the tremors that shift mountains.

   Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us."


"God is our mighty fortress,

   always ready to help

   in times of trouble.

And so, we won't be afraid!

   Let the earth tremble

   and the mountains tumble

   into the deepest sea.

Let the ocean roar and foam,

   and its raging waves

   shake the mountains. "


Or in German if you fancy that -

"(Ein Lied der Kinder Korah, von der Jugend, vorzusingen.) Gott ist unsre Zuversicht und Stärke. Eine Hilfe in den großen Nöten, die uns getroffen haben.

2Darum fürchten wir uns nicht, wenngleich die Welt unterginge und die Berge mitten ins Meer sänken,

3wenngleich das Meer wütete und wallte und von seinem Ungestüm die Berge einfielen. "


hah sorry. but i find comparisons between different translations interesting and insightful...



"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

- 1 Corinthians 13

I absolutely love this passage. It describes what I believe is the most pure, true form of love. I aim to love with this for my guidelines. Whatever your beliefs in the existence / relevance of God + Christianity, I think you can still learn from this and apply it. Even if you are against it, don't discredit or write off anything immediately because it has to do with a God you don't believe in or whatever. One can sometimes learn much from things even that in essence, they disagree with. This may or may not be addressed just in part to Daniel Brown lol.

A bit later on in the chapter - "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

I have mentioned how important I feel love is. Its power is incredible. Unbeatable. This simply complements my thoughts.


And and and.

I would like to say. Every person is important. Every person's thoughts and opinions matter. Every person has the ability to change the world. It is easy to feel insignificant, just one among the millions. But every person has great power within themselves. Every person has the power to influence another, whether they choose to use it, and if they choose to use it for good or bad are another matter. But I want to leave this with you, [oh how I love quotes] "Believe your voice can mean something".

k thnx bai >;D


As night invades,

so too memories of you.


Unstoppable, taking hold,

Under attack, I just let go.

Sink into these pain laced thoughts,

Where there is no reprieve,

You're a part of everything I do,

And you will not leave. >.<

aha laaaame.

going back to Ancient Studies. this is my eight post tonight. hopefully last.


It always annoyed Jake how I whored when I was upset over ze internet, namely MySpace. With little emo bulletins, a lot of them. Hahh.

But he said he put up with it coz he cared about me. Although he preferred just telling a few close friends. But I have so much in me it just spills out, I need to tell everyone. I need people to care, as many as possible. It bubbles over and now I can put it on my blog so less will read it.

And I can spaz as much as I like.

And attempt to get everything out my head.


I'm bailing water out of a sinking boat, but no where near as fast as it is coming in

But I'm staying afloat, let's keep it that way (:


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

All I need

is you to promise me you'll never leave.

Just convince me.

I need your unconditional love.

I can be anything as long as I'm not without you.

I can be anything as long as I'm not alone

As long as I'm not unloved.

God, yeah. But I have not gone to God yet and I don't know if I can find my way to him anymore, I never have been able to before. And I tried, I really did. But there are things stopping me, always have been. And these obstacles have been accumulating. God is the answer. I know that with such conviction. Regardless of whatever any of you say.

I need you because I need someone. I have my standards for friends and you're high above them, I'll bring you down.

I will test you because I need to be sure. Test you till I break that and then wonder why I feel so empty and hollow when I thought I would feel satisfied, that I was right after all. But find out it's not what I really want.

And I don't even really believe that, what I just said. I don't do that. Okay, I do sometimes. But not...

I need you. Everyone of you. I need you who I don't even know. I need someone to listen, someone to care.

I'm just a selfish person.

But I'm so much more.

I just need you to make me that.


"Abandon ship or abandon all hope"

I'm gonna stay with the ship.



Trapped on the sea forever sounds decent yeah (L)

I love the ocean, I love its freedom, its power, its constantly changing moods, it fills me with awe, and a happiness that is beyond anything else, a peace within me, and fear and respect, amazing


It excites me and calms me so incredibly, it is unlike anything else on this earth

similar to rain on a dark night, watching it, hearing it, smelling it, being in it, feeling it, seeing the lightning, hearing the thunder, feel the reality of it in the cold and wetness, it makes me feel alive

the night and its stars, only bad thing about rain at night is when clouds block out the stars

i love jake

i loved being with jake at night in the rain under the stars, perfect everything with my best friend. (L) for ever.


i want to disappear. and float away. into nothing. i am nothing without my best friends.


"I would have stayed up with you all night

had I known how to save a life"


Today is Remembrance Day.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old,
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Beautiful and so poignant.


The Last Post - Military

It is important to remember.


everything is gay >=|

i hate everything and everyone

but not really i'm just angry at everything right now because i'm angry at myself, just a little, coz i don't know what to do in a situation

and i don't hate you, not any of you, because i love you, really, and i need you, i need someone to drag down with me, someone to keep my company so i don't feel so alone, to give me a reason to capitalize my "i"s sometimes, if you knew every little nuance of my writing you'd pick up so much more is nuance even the word last night i was thinking that i wish i could document every one of my thoughts for a whole 24 hours and show you show you all, it would be crazy even as i'd write one thought down in briefest possible form another 5 would be crowding my head and gone faster than they came, i want to keep everything written down and captured in pictures because i keep everything i keep your memories in my mind and your name engraved on my heart you impact me without having a clue all of you everyone who enters my life i trust you i fall for your lies blindly because i want to believe is that so wrong i'm rambling and how much of this do i even mean do i mean any of it of course of course i do but can you tell what i mean and what i'm just saying because it follows the train of thought i have and seems somewhat poetic, seems mysterious, i'm just a drama queen who wants attention but hates it i need to know you love me i need to be all you need for everyone but i never know what to do in situations i sit there helplessly with nothing to say, nothing to do, when someone is hurt physically i don't know what to do sometimes it's easier when there are actual things wrong there is stuff to say but sometimes that's not enough and sometimes i second guess myself i don't know what to do in situations but does anyone? when a friend asks you to leave them alone, do you go. or do you stay. when a friend leaves, do you let them go, do you not stop pursuing them, do you try to move on? i don't know every situation is different because every person is different nothing is ever the same its almost 11 11 of the 11th of the 11th, daymn we missed 11 11 of the 11th of the 11th of 1111, special day yes i need to do my homework i have so much to do but my brain is so filled with thoughts that crowd in on each other and every night my mood fluctuates so much every second it's insane i need to stop





"we just want people to know that they’re not alone, we just want people to know that their story matters. It’s not just the band that you love, or this girl Renee whose story we started to tell, we really believe in the idea that all of us have a story, and every one of those stories is significant and important. So often people feel alone when they wrestle with these things, and these things tend to stay quiet, and so we just want to invite people to be honest. We think maybe one of the greatest things that happens on this planet is this idea of friendship, just the idea of community, that we meet other people and have the opportunity to connect with other people, and we think that’s something really significant that we hope for everyone. We know that pain is real, we don’t think we have to convince people of that, but we think it’s an honor in the face of that to say that we believe that hope is real, and help is real, and we just want to invite people into that conversation."

'From Note to Self:
"And God must be a pretty big fan of 'today', because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live."'

"we weren't meant to do life alone, and that we're not alone if we deal with these things."

life is precious (:


Monday, November 10, 2008

do you know what my biggest fear is at the moment?
that, even if we do try to fix things, it won't happen. because it's been too long, and too much mistrust has been built up
and i'm so scared.
because i want them back so bad
and in this time we've been apart, i've changed
i'm not sure how
but i know i have
i don't like it.
i'm just so scared because i need them back, but what if it doesn't work????
/fearful eyes
(L) Sacha Bec (yn) (yn)
and yeah.


I'm kindah happy

Vaguely sad, happy. I was looking at Alysha's pics from Halloween, the party at Ev's. Haha got a shock when I saw that David was there, glad I didn't go. There weren't very many pictures. But. There was this one of Jake with Dani. And... he looks really happy. Not just happy for the moment, truly contented. Of course, that could be the alcohol, Sam has told me how fucked he was that night. Probs why he's only in like, 3 photos. And his diabetes was high, I was hell worried when he told me that. But he was okay.

But, if he's happy. I'm sad that's not with me as his friend. But finally... And that makes me happy, if he's happy. Always tinged with sadness, but I am glad. /regretful smile

(: ....


"I see you winding and grinding up on that floor,

You see me looking at you
and I already know, I wanna love you..."'

haha sorry but that actual makes me lol so hard, the lyrics are so out of place in the cover The Maine does of I Wanna Love You but i love it anyway

Punk Goes Crunk ftw (:

I Want To Love You - The Maine

also i think emo music, while more depressing and stuff, is better than like, rap and hip hop and stuff and rnb even because they are rather explicit, for instance "i wanna fuck you", the unedited version of this song by Akon. If alternative / emo / the music i listen to music does talk about sex it usually isn't direct referral. Sure, they will have "fuck" in their lyrics sometimes, but not too often and not like as in the verb. More how you'd use it in everyday life, if you use it.

And our music is not all about sex, drugs or killing people. >.< So that's one up for us ;P


On love, musical discernment, and Britney Spears

That last part obviously making any 'musical discernment' terrible ^_^ haha

So I've been listening to the most random stuff lately. And a LOT of old style country (L) actual love it so much lol

But yeah Britney Spears has been playing a fair bit tonight.

And my take on the matter, which I thought I'd post since it allegedly made Shazz almost spit out her coffee ;P -

sigh. my music taste threw up and ate it's spew and like, ate what it then shat out.

Well, I make me lol. ;P


Annnd just thought I'd put it out here.... I wrote a blog sometime back about love... inspired by a quote from "The Riders" by Tim Winton, interesting read, not very conclusive, but worth reading i'd say, heaps confusing and complex ehhh.

So anyway


"Can someone love too much?
yeah I already posted a bulletin about this, but i want more replies so i'm making it longterm ;)
So anyway, I've got a few replies saying yes, and a few saying no.
But I just thought I'd mention something that I think a lot of people tend to forget,
love is not just the love that people mainly think of, where you want to get married and such
there are many kinds of love which are just as true and potent and real as that kind of love.
love between siblings, between parents and children, between friends, etc
the thing that makes you try to save someone's life when you have never even met them before, the caring you have for someone when you see that something is wrong however close or not you may be. i believe that is something to do with love, more perhaps compassion but that is something which comes from love.
there's so many different types and none can truly be classified.
but i think what the question is, is the pain of loving worth it?
This is a quote from Jamie of To Write Love On her Arms
"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."
I think what it's saying is that loving people and caring about people, we are always going to end up hurt, but it is better to love and care, better to leave ourselves open in this way where we can be hurt, no matter how scary it is, than to close ourselves off from love because of fear, because we don't want the pain. But love is worth that all.

From the book I was reading that started this hah, it's a seven year old girl's thoughts - "She wondered if you could love someone too much. If you could it wasn't fair. People didn't have a chance. Love was all you had in the end. It was like sleep, like clean water. When you fell off the world there was still love because love made the world. That's what she believed. That's how it was.

I'm so awesome I quote myself =/

People's responses thus far -"No i dont think u can love anyone too much. and yeah there are many kinds of love and yeah everyone gets hurt in love at some point but i dont think u can stop loving ppl and though ppl might close them selves off i think we need to try not to tho i know i do at times also. idk confusing."

- "You can never love too much, especially when it is love as an action... I think you described it as compassion... where you can love someone without liking them, simply by showing them some kindness and taking the time to make them feel they are worth something... you can never love too much of that kind of love.
I think if you love someone so much (maybe more in the passion sense) that it is preventing you from loving others and making you lose focus of other important things... then it is loving them too much... although this probably isn't true love... if that makes any sense."

- "ummm...
a point was rasied to me by bonnie with stalkers n them crazy obbsessied pplz...
they sometimes claim they killed them coz they thought they wer ment to be together n ther was true lov but they rejected them...
i would say thats to far...
so i now say u cant love to much unless u hav some sort of mental disorder...
sry to bring this to a bit of a downer =S"


- "first off goin to admit i didnt read your bullitin just went striaght to answering the question...
i dont think you can love someone to much,
but it can be unwanted love,
say to people truely love each other ther would probz e no limits to how much they love each other,
but if one person loves the other n the other doesnt but is goin out with them or somthin they would probz say they r being smothered or something...
so yeh depeneds n the circumstance for me and if they say ther being smothered they cant truely love that person"

- re: same person as above "dam neva thought of that family/friend sort of thing...
but still my answer doesnt change just that i add ther is no such thing as showing to much love to ur friends/family coz they are wat is close to you, no matter wat you do, no matter watthey do, your there for each other, though the good bad and indefferent times ther company is what keeps you sure life is worth living and the next day is always a new beginning =D"

- "I rekon you can love somebody too much, by smothering them and such."

- "yes. i beleive you can love someone too much. i have to different ways that it can be
1: if you love someone SO much, eventually if just becomes lust, and that the love is eventually gone, that the point of loving someone so much, comes to a state where there is no longer a love connection, just a lust filled want to please your own emotions.
2: when you love someone so much, that all you get it pain. that the only reason you seem to love someone is to just end up getting hurt all the time. you can love someone too much, so much, that all the time you just feel angry and hurt and constantly in pain that you cant just let go, that you are so deeply in love, that all you get in return is the pain"

- same person as above "..i think true/real love, is a small thing, if it got bigger and to a stage of too much love then i personally dont think it would be true or real anymore"


so most of the replies are from you who read my blog here anyway... thoughts?


Sunday, November 9, 2008


And I think, I'm just a little addicted to you...

No, I'm not talking about Jake, although I suppose I quite easily could be.

I have something of an anger problem. It tends to stay directed at members of my family so none of you would ever see it. None of you would ever see the nearly uncontrollable rage I sometimes get into. Where I literally have next to no control of myself and I am consumed by anger. I'm glad I can't remember it properly afterwards, I am sure the feeling is a horrible one. I remember what happened, but the way I was feeling is fuzzy.

Not at Deborah anymore. We get along really well these days. But my relationship with my dad is deteriorating. And also before, when we got into fights, I was always fairly calm but on the rare occasions when my dad made me angry, I have tried to bite him and hit him etc. Mum and I used to fight a lot, this is from year 7 onwards, and I'd get angry at her all the time, but not as fiercely as the rare occasions with Dad. I'd get like this with mum sometimes too, but ehh still very very rarely.

Practically the only control I have over myself then is stopping myself from swearing, and that is only just. I usually have to say it under my breath, or something. Or scream something else that tends to be completely incoherent.

Mmm anyway so I was up till 4 30 the other night attempting to download Spirited Away onto the computer. My parents realised I was still up and came in and were yelling at me, but like, in whispers. Because they know how little I've been sleeping, but I won't tell them why. So they keep going on about how it's coz I'm not exercising enough.

Anyhow, so this was all like rahhhhhhhhhh. And I was so angry coz Dad switched off the computer and downloading was taking ages and it had just reached about 75%. So I was hell dev'd aha.

But they were ranting and I lost it. Mum was saying how I was going back to the stage I was before the holidays, meaning when I'd overdosed, and I was screaming "No, I'm not, I'm fine except for what you make wrong" because I am fine as I can get. And so she was like "then why are you sleeping so little, you don't eat right, you don't sleep right, you are killing yourself!" My response, "no I'm not I AM FINE", and dad was saying this stuff too and then mum was saying that I was stressing them both out and not letting them sleep and that i was ruining our whole family

And I seriously have been okay, but it's her saying stuff like that that fucks me up, I can't stand people telling me how I think, mum and dad both tend to do that, and I'm like no, you've got me all wrong, I am NOT like that. And her essentially telling me that I'm messed up, at that stage it makes me incredibly upset.

Ehhhh anyway. So I got real angry. I was about to hit my mum in the face with my drink bottle but I restrained myself enough to hit her as light as possible so it couldn't really hurt like on her arm. Because if I didn't do something I would have exploded. And I didn't want to do even that >=(

Mmm so anyway. Afterwards. I craved, so badly, to cut. (You may want to stop reading. Specifically you Kate >.<) Because, it is comforting. It wasn't even for the pain that I wanted it. The sheer violence of it, but calm; disguised violence. The blood. It is amazingly pretty. I have something of a fascination with my blood. And like, those gothic pictures? With the people and sometimes there is blood, it is gorgeous. >.< It's just, blood is so amazing. It is the thing that gives us life, well one of the things. And watching it drip, it's special. Eeeep now I sound psycho. This I really should keep just for my diary.

But I just still had that rage, simmered down and bottled but not quite subsided yet. Although I was very calm, after that. Not in that cold white way that rage sometimes goes to. Just calm. Okay. And I could picture getting a blade, holding it to my arm, pressing it, feeling the slight pressure. Then going deeper. I barely cut like that. Cutting slow was always the hardest. And to keep going. It takes a lot of nerve, or a lot of pain or being upset, or anger. But it's better. And to watch the blood slowly well up in beads, staying there for a point along a fine red line, until the surface tension breaks and it spills out, coursing in rivers along my skin. >.<

It slightly, vaguely worries me that I would take out my anger on myself. Or want to. I haven't. And I don't plan on it. But it's beyond hurting myself. It's good. It's addictive. Sometimes I want to do it merely for the sake of the blood. However, usually, I go with the quick strokes as fast as possible, it's easier. ohmygod I am so sick in the head lol. So now you know one of the most fucked up things about me. I have very dark blood by the way. And my blood is an amazing colour ^_^ I love it. It's dark and deep and rich maroon, a royal shade of red...

Blood from your arms and legs is thinner, more watery. Bleeds a lot. Stomach is rather more disappointing, the blood is thicker and does not flow...

Agh. Okay. Biology.

I should have kept that to myself.



Something Kate wrote in response to my last blog has completely shocked me. The idea of it, !!!!!!!!!!

"I hope that all the memories make you smile someday and that when you are old and grey, you can sit there and wonder, "what was it that made it so special?" and not be able to remember why it ended at all.
that sounds mean, because I know you don't want to forget. But I don't like to see you in so much pain."

Lol. I get what she means, I think. But like, !!

I am astounded beyond words hah.

See personally I hope that I will soon be at a stage where not everything reminds me of Jake, but the things that do, I will just be able to remember them happily, as a good memory, something in the past and not to happen again, and leave it at that. Unless that is what she is saying because I'm not sure I could take it one of two ways.

I want to sleep at nights.

And personally, of course, my greatest most slimmest hope that I won't even allow to exist  but it still flickers there faintly, is that he will have a change of heart.



If I could have put into words just how much you meant to me,

would you still have walked away?

I'm curious. ^_^

The memories aren't so painful anymore, I just remember them and smile, nostalgic. It's seeing you that shocks me into remembering that it shouldn't be like this.

And when I don't see you, I hate that too. I seriously am going to end up stalking someone someday lol, I don't handle endings to relationships of any kind well, unless I initiate them.

I think about Jacynta a lot these days, like, this is what it was like with us from her point of view. Analysing the differences and similarities, trying to see if I could really be that cruel.

It makes me feel so sick to see him talking to my sister on Last.fm. It's fair enough, NIN are his favourite band, but still. I want that. I want him to talk to me. About anything.

J (L)

"It's at the point where I should leave you alone,

But we both know that I'm not that strong..."

I can't let go, and I'm sorry.


Sick of this.

Okay, so I have been waiting to see the outcome of this and not writing about it on here, but this is fucking stupid. There is this email going between me, bec and sacha, and jake.

Jake isn't really contributing, which is okay. i accept that he doesn't want to be friends. but sacha and bec, nuhuh.

Okay so now i know what happened. I said something in that email when i was trying to explain myself, and fucked it up badly. But it was about how i'd started avoiding bec that day. but to them it came out sounding like i didn't want to be around them for a while and didn't want them to talk to me at all for a while. Which is why they stopped talking to me. Whereas I didn't understand what happened and freaked out.

Okay, so I should have asked them what happened, like they have said in this email. Instead of just avoiding them, I should have asked "why are you avoiding me" and sorted things out. But I didn't, I didn't think to do that! And so, things are now the way they are.

The thing is, I hate having to take all the blame for it. And I am. Because I will do anything to fix it. But. At the same time.

I'm not trying to blame them for this. But i shouldn't have to take the blame for them misunderstanding what i said, oh i'm sorry i wasn't clear enough and that i think and interpret things differently to you. Yes, after that i handled it badly, but come on! there are certain things that are no one's fault...

I always say sorry first in fights etc. Because i hate fighting and all that. But this is stupid, i can't just take the blame for everything all the time, for things that aren't my fault...

And bec is saying that i haven't done anything to try and fix the situation

When the hell have I had the chance to talk to them in person or actively do anything? They're always with other people....


I'm just so, over this and upset and agh.

I want my best friends back.



Friday, November 7, 2008

Lol so,

I have utilised the new feature on here; making it easier for you to comment me. You can just tick which was your reaction,I would have made more but it wouldn't let me >=( Well it did but just they don't show up.
So do you lol at what I say, think I'm emo, and of course do you stalk me...? Now you can tell me in every post I make on this blog, with a simple click ;P
oh i am too funny bahahaha. I am so lame. Hah lame should be another reaction, I'll see if i can fit it in ;P

And and and i have started writing a story. I'm basing it roughly on Bullet For My Valentine song "Ten Years Today" which is about a guy whose friend committed suicide, strangely this happened "ten years [ago] today", and how he's still trying to move on, left with all these questions as to how his friend could leave him and everyone else like this.

la la la. shall be good as i develop it more. i need new interesting topic besides death / suicide. or child abuse. I want something fresh. "Ziplock fresh". Oh Madagascar ftw ;P



I wanna write a story

Finished my Nutrition assignment. It's worth 20% of my grade, ehh I think I was pretty thorough. Bit worried I was a little too detailed, actually. It's a really assignment too, so did I put too much work in? I have learned the hard way that you can get marked down for doing too much work. Which is fair enough, having all this unnecessary work to sift through for a teacher. But ehh. I'm not too bothered regardless.

However. I have a craving. I want to write. I want to write a story. I need inspiration. I hate writer's block. That said, this block has still let me write my little child abuse story and my, friend dies story over the past year. But come on, two stories, and before that? Barely anything. Sigh. Friend dies one, ehhh. Born of absolute necessity. And from a dream. Flimsy storyline. Realistic enough to me, but not satisfying for a story. Yeah the abuse one, ehhhhh, not happy with the start. And I find it too hard to completely rewrite a story or part of one, having the old way written stuck in my mind and getting in the way. I have had to do it, but ugh. It was hard.

Anyway. I need an idea. I feel refreshed, happy my work is done, just ate an apple [which does make you more alert..], caffeine is still in my system. I am energisssssed, don't let me waste it. Actually mother dearest would shoot me if she came in and saw me still up and done with homework, she wasn't happy i was up at 2, i think the last time she checked. It's fair enough, her and dad are worried how i'm barely sleeping. I told them I went to sleep last night at 12. Add another 4 hours on and you've got it right. 4 hours sleep or 8. Slight difference. Yeah I went to bed at 4. Past that actually. So... =/ I won't tell them why. They want to know. What are they gonna do, stop me dreaming? Actually I don't think the dreams would come anymore anyway. But I'm scared to risk it. And now I'm in the habit. I get more work done at night. I like the night. Feeling like you're the only one up. The only one alive. Like, not wasting the time sleeping, getting stuff done instead. It's kind of... good. I dunno. It's not good, I know.


Come on brain, give me something.

AND GUYS, read my last blog (:

it's long but it might actually be worth it yeahhhh


'"Global" is not a nice idea. Global is reality.'

A somewhat cynical look at society, along with more self-analysis, and something like hope... All in all, another long-winded look at several different things all mushed into one, by yours truly ;)

Please, read this. Or at least, parts of it. The latter end of it, before the song lyrics. Which are rather poignant also... But I want to make a point. I truly believe this is more than just Larissa ramble. I may stray from what I'm trying to say but I think it is at least worth considering, this matter of love and its power...

And I'm sorry it's quite so long.


I am sick of the way I have been letting the world get to me again. I refuse to let you do this to me. You will not turn me into a person with the characteristics that I despise, as subtly as you influence me. I notice. And I'm not going to stand for it. I am a stronger person than that. And look at that, that I can say that I am a strong person. That's a step. I could never say that before. It wouldn't have been true either. But you know what, I am. In some ways, and some times. I am weak and broken and want to avoid responsibility, I fall down and I get down so easily, I base my life upon other people, I crave assurance that I am loved and needed; I know most of my flaws, I'd think. But I have become a stronger person, over, I don't know how long. I guess it's a process that's been happening slowly in amongst everything that has happened in my life. Sometimes put on hold, sometimes sent into reverse, but still happening.

So what I hate now is how I am buying into that selfishness that our society and mankind promotes and that the majority seem to live by. I tend to get so caught up in my own problems, so tired out by them, that I do not find the energy to put the effort into others' sadness. Reading your blogs, I see your unhappiness, I have been shying away from trying to comfort you, trying to save my strength for myself when I feel weak. Reaching out and expending that energy seems a painful, horribly strenuous task. I have not been showing true love in this way.

I have been so impatient lately, I have been being a bitch. You will have noticed, some of you. I have been harsh with my words lately, then feel guilty and cover it up by laughing, pretending to be joking, when really, I meant to be as cutting as I came across, but then horrified at it in reality. Another flaw of mine - that I do tend to cover up [it's 11.11, make a wish] when I feel bad over doing something wrong, when someone asks me if I knew something, it has become something of an automatic response in some situations to automatically reply with yes, I don't consciously think I need to know everything, but I guess on a subconscious level I have been thinking that I don't like other people knowing more than me, being better than me. I guess, in part, it stems from this Ignite thing. How Catherine and the others stuck with Ignite maths, while I dropped to co-Ignite in year 8... and especially when they accelerated into year 11, and now doing year 12. Their "we never need to do any more maths", I guess subconsciously it makes me feel stupid, I have accelerated in English, yes, but so have they. They are special and smart and I am not. Or at least not as much as them.

I hate when I can't understand something and then another person will say how easy it is. Oft it is not even in response, they won't know I am struggling and will be like, oh this is so easy, give us something harder. And inside, I am ashamed that I am not finding it so easy. Everyone has different strengths. I know that. But I want to be good, at the things I think I should be. Because I hate being not good enough.

Sport. I know the humiliation of always being one of the last picked for a team because of how bad I am. I want to be as good as average, as others, or maybe even better. Because, face it, everyone feels proud of themselves when they can help others with something. Like when I understand a maths concept and can explain it to someone else, especially since I have struggled so much with Maths this year. It's like, I am finally getting something right! I don't think this is a bad thing, it is a factor in motivation.

I don't feel like I need to compare myself to others. But subconsciously I guess I still do. This is all obviously tied back to my needed to feel loved. I need to feel worthy of that. I need to prove to myself that I am equal to other people. So that other people will like me, need me. I need to be needed. I crave attention so badly, and I hate that, I repress it. It comes out in bad ways. Not attention in a loud way, but I do need constant reassurances. I'm not so bad these days, but still.

Hah the topic of perfection is now running through my head. I said I didn't feel the need to be perfect. I guess, I can isolate these voices inside me, ignore them. I know they are ridiculous. I do it well. It doesn't affect me. Although I guess, I have just shown that they do, indeed. But on a subconscious level.

I don't hold it against these other people, that they are better at it than me. I accept that I have my own strengths, and I get past it. I think I do pretty well with it, I don't try to compete with them. That said, I am fairly competitive with little, stupid things. Like getting more plays on an artist than another person who also listens to them, as though I can tell myself I like the band more. It's stupid. But I guess I satisfy that there, which is better than with the more significant things. /shrugs

Aghhhh I am so bad with tangents... /tries to find original point trying to present

Ahkay. So my behaviour lately. Yes. I am ashamed of it. I admit that. So, I apologise. I have been snappy. You will have noticed, the Fall Out Boy thing. I'm not even going to analyse my reasons for that. Tangent. lol. Buuut, just quickly, I'm a little jealous of how Shazz and Catherine have become so close. They do everything together. I swear, I never used to get jealous. Literally, never. This year is when that started. I really dislike it. Jealousy is a horrible, twisted, vengeful thing. It really is. I squash any I may have, but I hate the feeling. I hate having it swirl in my gut, black and sullen, like some foul beast.

Another thing, briefly. I want my friends, I want most of them to have me as their closest friend. Regardless of how close I am to them, I want them to be able to confide in me, to talk to me, about practically everything. Friends confiding in me is another reassurance thing. I realise this is unrealistic to want. Another of my serious flaws. Another that I try to conceal. Forgive me for this also, I beg you. I do not want this from you, not really, I long for it. Another thing I suppress. It shames me. So much. That I need these things. I am so needy. So dependent on others. I keep myself stronger than that, I don't try to get this wish of mine. I keep it under control.

Jealousy. I define jealousy as something that is where you want what another has, or want something you can't have, and wish that  you could have it instead of whoever does have it, at practically any cost. And would actually do something to get it. It is selfishness, of course. Of course, I have wanted what another has, everyone does, it is human nature. But never in such a way that I would have it in place of the other person, I would just be like oh I wish I had that thing/opportunity, etc. Eg. Simple Plan concert, when I really liked them. When Catherine and others went, I was so happy for them. I wished I could go, but I didn't begrudge them that, I was excited that they could go and happy for them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want Catherine and Shazz to not be close, I just want the same thing, for myself. And I wish I was in on their friendship. And I hate hate hate that I don't. I want to get, even if I don't give as much. Ehhh.

Feel privileged LOL. I am being open about things I hate to admit even to myself. Some of these things you would have already known for yourself, but still for me to talk about it like it exists, it is breaking a taboo I have subconsciously set.

Aghhhhh topic.

If you hadn't noticed, the world we live in, is a very selfish one. Look at the business sector. We are taught that we have to be better than others, to get the best pay, to do the best for ourselves. Helping others out doesn't have much of a place in business. This spreads to many other areas of life. We have bought into "myself first". Sure, occasionally, we'll sacrifice our comfort for others, 40 hour famine anyone? But are these things, these ideas, more novelties than anything else? So we can deprive ourselves and raise money and then satisfy our consciences that we have helped people in need, and go on enjoying our creature comforts, not considering these people till the next thing? And of course, it looks good. Helping people, giving up food for 40 hours, doing this and that, getting involved; "oh how considerate you are". We all care what other people think, and this does look good. Perhaps I am being far too cynical here. Of course, we do these things with good intentions. Don't mistake me in that. These things are well and good. But if we really cared, we could do so much more.

I am ashamed to admit, when I was younger, I would donate money that I got, before I had pocket money, the Christmas and birthday money I got, I spent so much of it donating it to various charities, along with my sister. As I have grown older, I now have pocket money, and yet, it has been a long long time since I have just donated money. When a cause comes along, yes. But out of the blue, no. Sometimes I think, I will. But then, oh, those new shoes, that dress, that new album; my materialism brings me to spend my money on that. And then, I have nothing left to donate. I never have any money. I spend it as fast as I get it, faster, even. I want so much. But in the end, what am I spending this money on? Anything worthwhile? I don't even recall what I spend the money on half the time. And all too soon, the items that I buy seem outdated, and I am complaining about not having enough music, or running around the house moaning about how "I have no clothes".

I distance myself from the terrible events we see happening around the world. Oh, the starving children in Africa, the Christians being persecuted in India, "it's so sad, isn't it?" The moment of due sympathy felt, "we're so lucky to live in Australia, we have such fortunate lives, all the more reason to appreciate this life we have", returns to MySpace surveys and comedic YouTube videos, none of which has any purpose or value. Still dissatisfied with our lives, still searching for fulfillment, still not truly appreciative of how lucky we really are. I speak for myself but I have the feeling I am not alone in this...

Advertising purposely addresses the consumer specifically, using key phrases such as "you will love this". Appealing to our selfishness, our desires, our wants for ourselves. Even "make your loved one happy this Christmas", one can see how that will relate to one's own happiness. What of it satisfies? New things are always fun, but the novelty wears off in time, there's always something newer, there's always something else. Are we looking for completion in the wrong places?

Am I being too cynical? It is what I see.

I have given into this way of thinking, and that shames me. That I care more about a pair of new shoes than trying to help out people who are starving to death whom I could help with my money for a mere fraction of the cost of those shoes. Especially when these people don't have to be dying. How easily we could solve world problems if everyone co operated and worked together for the good of each other, not just ourselves and our immediate world around us... Or do you say I am too idealistic? [Maybe a little idealism is better than cynicism, better than seeing the negative aspects in everything. Maybe having that little belief in things being better, maybe that idealism will actually lead to something that is ever so real.]

How did our society turn into something like this? I have numbed my conscience too long, and now this is spreading even to my close friends. It is easy to forget the things that are out of sight, in different countries and places and situations, so far away. But when it gets to the point that I cannot even find it within me to extend sympathy and help to my friends in need, the ones who I can see suffering, that makes me sick to my stomach and so, so ashamed.

I want to care about the things that matter. I don't want to lose sight of the most important thing. People are the most important thing, and love is the most important tool we have. If everyone looked out for each other, can you imagine what things would be like? Of course, this isn't likely, people are selfish and people are broken and people make mistakes. But even a little love, just one person loving as hard as they can, caring for others, that helps heal some of those wounds... Love can do so much. Love can change the world. So can one person. I believe this so completely. "A single raindrop raises the sea". Or something like that. Thanks Dinotopia. Every little action adds to a movement. "Believe your voice can mean something."

Just after the cyclone in Burma and earthquakes in China, Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love on Her Arms wrote this -

"It's easy to believe that are own problems are the only problems in the world. It feels true at times. Maybe a lot of the time. But the better thing might be to believe that we are one. My friend Chris leads a network of communities serving among the poorest people in the world. His team work to be living solutions in the most broken places on Earth. Our team had the privilege of spending two days with Chris last week - he was here speaking into the work we're doing, and helping us get organized. There was something special in a word that Chris kept using, something important. He calls the people who live in the broken places "friends". He says this because he's been there, and he's looked them in the eyes. He knows their names. But i think he says it also to remember. To say that we're the same....

This blog is being typed inside the borders of the richest country in the world, in an apartment with air conditioning, electricity, and cable television. There is a fresh pizza in the refrigerator, and plenty of water to drink. i am a fool if i forget the others tonight. The Atlantic blocks their voices, but they are certainly out there, as real as the air in my lungs. The many with less. The many in mourning and the many in need. In need of food or clean water or shelter. And maybe they sound the same in this: That they might also be people with broken hearts, people stuck in moments. In need of hope, in need of community. Remember them tonight. And find yourself in the process.
"Global" is not a nice idea. Global is reality. Let's be the generation that realizes this."

For the full blog, click here.

"I'm thinking about other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things for bettering
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all is fine in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have so many things

Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your things
Yeah we all so many things
And I can get past these things..."

[The Rocket Summer]


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

"I like where you sleep,

When you sleep, next to me,

I like where you sleep... here."

Mmm, most humans can understand the feeling of wanting to be with someone, we are made to desire that, to have someone for us. And it is why we get lonely when we are alone sometimes, so we recognise that need / want for another. Humans are not solitary beings, we need each other. Mmm.

I'm probably a little or a lot tired which is why I'm going to write about this, and probably stupid. But, like, here goes anyway.

Have you ever questioned your sexuality? A friend once told me that everyone does, it's a part of being a teenager. I heard a survey once showed that the vast majority of people will during their lifetime. I used to be heaps worried that I was bi ahahaha. I have come to realise that, no, I'm not. Which was a relief. I just think, how more girls are lesbians than guys are gay, it makes sense, because girls are attractive, we can see it in each other whereas apparently straight guys can't tell if another guy is like, attractive or not. According to Jimit lol, but then he did tell me one of his friends isn't really very good looking, but then, he does say that girls sometimes have different opinions to him on guys and he's like whaaat?

Mmmm. I dunno. Rarely, I guess, I go, if I was a guy, I would so fall for her. I'd never want to go out with a girl or anything, eeeeeep :|

But then, I don't even want a boyfriend at the moment.

agh. This is an awkward subject lol. I am still completely straight. /shrugs

Moving on. I told Daniel the other night, if Jake hadn't been my best friend, I think I would have fallen in love with him.

That surprised me. I know everyone thought we would get together. We never would have. But it's no secret I used to like him, when he still liked rap and was heaps different, in year 10, and barely knew him. And at times this year I thought I might like him. I was so close to it, I was on the brink. But I don't think I ever did again. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that. I was in love with him as a friend for sure.

But, just, I could have a million reasons to have wanted him to be my boyfriend. And I have wanted to. I wanted to kiss him, and I got that. It wasn't just that I wanted to kiss him for the sake of it, it was more than that. I wouldn't let myself hope he ever wanted to either. Even those nights, when he looked at me with that same look I could feel myself looking at him when it was just, in the dark, and I wanted to kiss him so badly I could barely not. I thought it was just a look. Even once, when I swear he went for it and then pulled himself back. I was like, no way. I'd done the same thing too, when I couldn't bear looking at him anymore and not. We weren't close enough already? Hah. Biting wars. Those nights were special, even as friends. We kindah acted like little children, a lot. Doing stupid things. Cuddling, play fighting, biting each other, like it was so innocent. My "cute" little voice and faces, everything. Guess where biting wars led to? My god, when it happened, I was the one to pull away, even how much I had wanted it. I thought it happened by mistake. But, oh my god.

This is completely unrepeatable. !

I have always found him attractive. Admittedly, less so with the beard and the long hair, but when he shaved off the beard and straightened his hair... /dies

He is one of the best huggers I know

And I completely love his personality, kinda tough and angry and you needed to be patient with him but I loved him. I love him.

He lived across the road. Bonus. We spent so much time together.

Too much.

It's not like he just got rid of me from his life. He replaced me with Nicole. I don't have a problem with Nicole. But agh. Fuck's sake.

Not that he's so close to her as me. Not that he really ever told me anything. But even so, he told me a bit. And he cared about me. He wanted to know what was wrong when I was sad.

When I wasn't with him, at school we'd email each other if we were on computers. Sometimes text. I mainly started it but sometimes he would. It made me so happy when he started it, just like when he said "I love you" first.

I almost thought he liked me at the point where we had hooked up, a couple of times. But. I talked to him, kinda, made sure to kill that idea, even with what Bec and Sach were saying. I know he didn't. He practically told me. It hurt when I knew that. Because I was letting myself like him. So I stopped that. But we still hooked up. He was a good kisser >.<

He was perfect, to me. I saw all his flaws, and I loved him all the more for it. I don't want to let go. He means so much to me. He was first and foremost, my best friend. Never to be anything more, but I never wanted him to be less again. I knew we weren't going to stay friends for ever, but I sure wanted to be friends for a long long time. And not have it end like this.

I guess, in a way, he broke my heart. As a friend.

I don't want a boyfriend. I kinda do. Why not? I'm scared of committing to another person. I'm not ready for a relationship for a number of reasons I may go into later, but I still want that security and level of caring about me. Eh, I'm watching NCIS. End of this very odd and awkward blog...


Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I'm so sick of cryptic stuff. I want to just be able to take stuff that is said at face value. I want things to be simple. I don't want Jake to have replaced me with Nicole... Just as an aside, that. lol.

Anyway, I think I've changed more than I've realised this year and it's been highlighted for me while spending time with people I haven't in a while... I'm different.

I want my three back. I want to hang out with Kathleen and Michelle more. We will soon (:

And Emma, eee I love her. She is a blessing that has fallen from the sky in this time, we are good for each other, I think. I just hope when we finally meet it will be good, not like what happened with Kirsten =/

We are good at comforting each other and offering each other hope, as well as having good conversation. I always had a negative view of her because Jake painted her that way, the annoying girlfriend who broke up with him but now regretted it and couldn't move on, and wanted him back. She seemed so clingy, but it was a coincidence I added her of another person's MySpace, Kady; I thought it was her but I wasn't sure and I didn't care anymore...

She's great. I never realised how needy I am, how clingy, but ehhhhh.

I want a lot but ah well. I guess I'm just wishful and whatever. Tired and sleepless and bitchy. Over Fall Out Boy. >.>

I don't care.


Sunday, November 2, 2008


you're a fuck up.