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Saturday, December 27, 2008

I'm scared that I'll still miss you even when you're right here.

I'm scared that this feeling will be permanent.

I don't just miss you. I miss what we had. I'm scared that will never come back. I'm scared that maybe I'll always want it, even need it.

I don't fully function without you. My life has sorta shut down since the three of you left it.

I cannot put it into words. You have no idea. Hopefully you never will. Hopefully you do. It hurts to breathe without you. It hurts to live without you. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like living. And when it does, that's painful too. Because my heart rebels against the idea that it could even be like this.
This half... thing we have right now is killing me.

And more than anything I'm scared, that I'll stop missing you. That I'll stop missing our friendship. I'm scared I'll move on. I want to keep this dependence.

p.s. Thought from Tatum Reid at Finding-me - "Trust: something that takes forever to build, and takes but an action... a word....a look... a second...to utterly destroy."


Friday, December 26, 2008

MSN conversation

/fairly meaningless small talk

i don't, really know if i even want to talk to you anymore. i really really do. but it's kindah worse than not talking to you at all
Ex Best Friend:
how is it worse?
because our conversation is shit and awkward dies within like 5 seconds, and it makes me miss you more talking to you a little rather than when i was like okay so i guess we're not going to be friends again, which i had jusssst started to kinda accept like the day before you started talking to me again
and i don't even know if you want to be friends again or if you just randomly start conversations with me because you're bored or whatever
something like that.
alright, do what suits you
I wouldn't mind having you back as a friend, but that's cool if you feel that way
well, i "wouldn't mind" either,


I'm so tense /stressed right now.

not going to sleep well tonight. and i'm getting up at 5.30


Thursday, December 25, 2008

There's only one thing I really want for Christmas

I'm not going to get it.

Things like that don't come wrapped up. Maybe it won't ever come at all. But I'll still wish for it, each and every time I catch the clock at 11.11. First just a thought, scared it will move to 11.12 before I'm done. Then in word form. And sometimes out loud, under my breath, just to make sure.

Next I'll run around the house waiting for each other clock to hit the same number, and I'll wish again. Just in case, I wish on 10.22PM too, because that's 22.22 in 24 hour time; perhaps that has some magical property too... And even though I don't even believe there's anything special about 11.11, I wish as hard as I can anyway. Because maybe it will help. Maybe.
For the first star I see each night, I stumble through the rhyme I barely know, just so I can make this wish.
"Star light, Star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I make a wish
With all my might.."

It's something along those lines...

I'm not superstitious. But I'll take the chance. It can't hurt. Nothing could hurt more than this

I'd do anything.

Just for some Simple Plan, "Another day, is going by, I'm thinking about you all the time... But now you're gone, And I can't think straight... I close my eyes, And all I see is you, I close my eyes, I try to sleep, I can't forget you."

"And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now."

These lyrics seem somewhat at odds to me. If I could rearrange them, they would look more like this: -

"You got me wrapped around you,
I can hardly breathe with you
So I was trying to disappear.
But I got lost in thoughts of you,"

Or something like that lol.

Mmm love the song. Half Alive by Secondhand Serenade. You have probably heard their song "Fall For You" lately. It's been getting loads of radio play, within half an hour, in three different shops, Kathleen and I heard it three times. In that entire day, we heard it about 10 times in different shops and in the car on the radio. I can't even bring myself to hate it because of all this mainstream exposure.

Yeah I don't know why but I hate listening to mainstream music that everyone knows. Although I like people liking the same music as me. I love the alternative scene. And I don't like the metal scene but I love the music (:

Anyhow, I heard Secondhand Serenade through my recommendations on Last.fm, not through the radio >.<

I'll explain more about this whole disliking radio music because it is radio music later, probs just add to this post.

Hope you're all having a great Christmas.

"Is it broken?
Can we work it out?"

I've never wanted anything more.


"Christmas time is buzzing in my skull"

Will it let me be?
I cannot tell."

So I love the Nightmare Before Christmas. And before I had the chance to blog about this much celebrated holiday, Christmas is upon us.

"There are so many things I cannot grasp
When I think I've got, and then at last
Through my bony fingers it does slip
Like a snowflake in a fiery grip"

As I have mentioned before, I am a member of a Christian family. Even practically all of my extended family are Catholics. When I say practically all, I mean there is literally one and he's married into the family, who is a non practicing Hindu. This, then, is the reason so many are surprised that we barely celebrate Christmas.

My parents will give my sister and I gifts, yes, but barely. It is more often than not in the form of money, which doesn't make for the most interesting of presents, although I can always do some more. What other presents we received were almost invariably actually given to us post-Christmas, thanks to the mid-financial year sales. Smart, yes. The only reason we actually do get presents is so "we don't feel left out". At least, this is what my parents used to tell others.
We also go look at Christmas lights, but that's about it.

The reason we don't celebrate Christmas is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. When missionaries first came to some large country, or possibly Europe; yeah I'm not too sure; anyhow the native people had lots of celebrations for their gods; the missionaries, not wanting converts to feel left out and become dissatisfied with Christianity, decided to designate this day as Christmas, "the birth of Jesus". And no one really knows which date Jesus actually was born on. So according to my parents, it's stupid to celebrate because of its origins. By my reasoning, it doesn't matter what the origins are, what matters is what it means to you as you celebrate it. For all the non Christians who celebrate Christmas, its a good time to spend with family and give each other gifts, and be joyful and all that jazz. In the same way, it can be to truly celebrate Christ's birth if we so wish.

One thing about me, I love traditions. I love the idea of heirlooms and I have tried to construct family trees, I love old things that continue on. I love the idea of Christmas, the festive spirit, although we all know it has been completely commercialised, but as I said before, I believe that its what you make it. Not even necessarily the idea of Santa; I never believed in Santa Claus either by the way. Not sure I'd want to, you'd be so disappointed when you find out he isn't real lol. And I'm not too keen in believing in something that isn't real. But Christmas in general seems like such a fun idea.

When I have my own family, we will celebrate Christmas. I determined this a long time ago. We will put up a tree and decorate it, and lights around the front of the house. Our family has put up a Christmas tree once during my life.

Another thing. My parents actually used to celebrate Christmas, when they were Catholics. When they became Christians, it was to become part of what some would call a "legalistic" church, that is, they wanted to abide by every possible law in the Bible, so it was very strict; they believed that women shouldn't really wear pants due to a Biblical passage stating that women shouldn't wear men's clothing; although my mum, my sister and I still did, but not to church. So that is where this idea came from. We have changed churches now, although there was actually much to admire about the beliefs of this former church of ours, but there is time for that in another post.

So anyhow, I hate that we don't really celebrate Christmas. I think my parents have finally begun to grasp that, although my mum worked this Christmas morning and the last one too; my mum encouraged my dad to take us out to The Pancake Kitchen for breakfast this morning, and we're having turkey for dinner, even though my mum thinks it is bland and disgusting ;P
Indians and all their spices >.<

I wouldn't mind celebrating Christmas the Indian way actually. It's amazing. Most people live in lanes or apartments in very small estates or apartments in Pune, where my family is from. Around Christmas, they hang huuuuge Christmas stars and other decorations right across the lanes and in the estates. There are Nativity scenes just as big placed around. Motorbikes and / or scooters are the preferred method of travel rather than cars in the city. So these things are so large they are practically fully blocking the streets and bikes can only just get through. They have Christmas shows in these lanes and almost everyone who lives in the lane or the estate, whichever, will participate. And there are fireworks, of course. There are so many people, everywhere. People sell fancy balloons by the road side, which admittedly happens most days of the year anyway. Beforehand, for weeks, people make handmade Indian sweets of all shapes and colours. /shrugs
It's good.

My surprise which I mentioned briefly the other day is that I finally got my Learner's. If you're not Australian, or South Australian, that's for driving, which you have to pass a theory test for. You have to do 50 hours of driving and hold it for a minimum of 6 months. During this time you can only drive with someone with their full license next to you in the passenger seat. You need to have a certain amount of lessons with a driving instructor also. After this, you can get your P1's. This is your provisional license, where you display P plates on your car, but can drive without a fully licensed person. After this, you can get your P2's, where you can take your P plates off, and after I don't know how long of this, you can eventually get your full license.
I failed the test the first time I went for it on my 16th in June, I got really confused on the give ways lol. So it took me this long to go back for the test, since I was so scared I'd fail it again. (You have to get all the give way questions correct, which is the first part of the test. The next is a bunch of multiple choice questions which you need to get 32 out of 40-something correct) But I only got one question wrong on the multiple choice this time C: I'm happy. I've already been driving a bit, I drove on the roads straightaway lol. I have driven before, but not on roads that are used by anyone else and not since last year. But it's fun (:

And I don't think my parents are so opposed to celebrating Christmas anymore, Mum is thinking of buying ornaments after Christmas for next year, and saying we could put our tree up next year, we still have our old one in the garage somewhere. I just find it sad that I missed Christmas properly, all these years. I would have loved to experience the excitement of waking up on Christmas morning, opening gifts that we had all given each other, spending the day together, having fun and doing family things. Although, we did a lot of family stuff when we were little. But the anticipation in a present being a surprise; it's been a long time since I've felt that. For years I've always known exactly what I was getting for my birthday or Christmas, have even been there when its been bought. In a way, it's good, it ensures that I will like it; but it doesn't have quite the same feeling...

That said, I think too much emphasis is placed on gifts with Christmas these days. Like I mentioned before, Christmas has been commercialised. Retailers place importance on how you need to get presents for other people, need to buy all this new stuff. The stress of this can make Christmas completely worthless. If you feel like you need to get someone else a present because they are getting you one, that is missing the point. You should be giving gifts in love, because you care about the person, and want to express it.

Mmm anyway, I'm done for now, may come back and add to this later, but as you can see, my thoughts are scattered and not well put into words. I need some more sleep. Ah well.


sorry guys

My writing is abysmal right now.
Okay, maybe not quite "abysmal", but it wouldn't make for good reading, and I am definitely not satisfied with it. I'm not a perfectionist, I know on a completely realistic level that I can do better. Thus my Christmas post shall appear later on today.

Sorry >=(

Have a great Christmas guys (:


Wednesday, December 24, 2008


it hit 12.01 AM while I wasn't looking
Merry Christmas all, working on a post


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Blah post

This is just another apology, I haven't been posting much lately, and not really replying to comments, I promise I will get to it as soon as I can, I'm really not right to do so now.
Or the last few times I've been on.
There are several things I wish to post about + others already in the works.
Look forward to the flood after the drought. The leaving the calm in the eye of the storm.
Or whatever.

P.S. I'm going to bed, it's 1.18AM, and I may have a surprise for you tomorrow. I mean, later today. Wish me luck! ;P Explanations shall follow if successful
Haha oh I'm soo cloak and dagger ^_^ Not.


Sunday, December 21, 2008

they're really not even neat and controlled, just really eugh
aghhh god i'm going insane
i need someone to talk to me, yell at me, tell me i'm being stupid, just something to snap me out of it
even normal conversation would be great


eeeeeeeeeeee sdhgljklkjfd :| :|
okay so i'm like in this really pent up stressed out freaked out state right now, i'm panicking and tense and feel really sick and need some relief
so what do i do
i don't self harm anymore and hopefully never again
but i need something
so i go onto my old livejournal account where i am a member of one of the self harm communities blah blah
usually lots of people post on their with pictures, so i went looking, but tonight there's barely anything, only found one post with pics thus far
looking at it, and it's gross and disgusting and...
even if i can't do it myself =/
it's so repulsive and yet i am so like, eugh idk


I kind of really just want

to get drunk

wow the girl's got great coping solutions

ehh, a friend and i went drinking in town on friday, but not much.

but yeah, sometime before i get credit is definitely advisable.

and fun drunk, not crying, making verrry bad phone calls drunk...

okay shut up.


Once upon a time...

You used to love me. I wonder, do you remember that? At all?

Okay, so I've kept the topic away from this for a while now. But it's hitting me, again, so forgive me for my blogging about it, again.

I hate how you've gone. And I hate how I had just barely accepted we weren't going to be friends anymore and then you start talking to me again. I want all or nothing. This is like David all over again. But so much worse. Because we weren't best friends and it never hurt like this. We were close, yes. I thought about him a lot, yes. But it was not the same.

This just brings the pain back so much worse.

It feels like someone threw a brick at my stomach, like I was punched in the guts. Not the pain of being stabbed, the clean, sharp pain focused on one point; but a blunt pain that hits everywhere.

I am still left gasping for breath at unexpected moments. I still get the dreams. I still feel faint with the pain of how much I miss you, and I still hate how much I want you back. I want our friendship back, just as it was. And I'm scared that's not possible. I thought I had quenched that want to a sustainable level, I'd accepted it wasn't going to happen.

But those few words we exchanged are making me hope again; for a day it was pure, heady hope burning through my veins, I knew it was reckless, dangerous, but I couldn't stop it and I didn't want to.

And I'm dying all over again.

I miss you, so much.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

bahahahaha "Twilight" the movie

Oh God it's too funny lol
I've seen the movie and hated it, the books ehhh
All credit goes to the site where it was featured - Cracked.com, Elizabeth from Letters of Love who posted the link to this on Facebook, and of course the site it's originally from - The Editing Room...
ahahaha too funny. And so true.
This isn't the original review about it that I wanted to post, but I'm dying of laughter here XD
Even if you like / love the books and/or movie, read this. ;P

[edit:] okay i check out The Editing Room some more, link ^^^, it's actually hilarious, they do the same thing for other movies, highly entertaining ;P

"On Saturdays, we ask some of our favorite sites on the web to fill in for us. You get to learn about an awesome site you may not have heard of, and we get to watch cartoons in our boxers. Today Rod Hilton, creator of The-Editing-Room.com brings you an abridged version of the screenplay for Twilight, the movie based on Stephanie Meyer's novel.





Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephanie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn't be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.


Hey honey. I'm super lame. I got you a car, but it's totally uncool because I'm totally uncool.


Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I'll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.



Oh my God I love your hair you're so pretty will you be my new best friend?


Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?


No way you asshole, I saw her first!


I'd rather watch "The Messengers" than date either of you. Why don't you go ask Anna instead?


Ohmigod I'm getting Kristen's rejects, that's so awesome!


Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl's pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren't well-written characters supposed to have flaws?


Flaws? Oh, well, um, I suppose you could argue that you're a little TOO perfect and amazing. But I don't think so. Let's make out.

Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.


Who's the albino Wolverine?


Oh, him? That's Robert. He's universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn't date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.


No girl is good enough for him? Man, the excuses closested homosexuals come up with these days...

KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT, who nearly vomits in his mouth and leaves school for a week. Eventually, he returns.


Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you.


Sounds like textbook daddy issues, you fat cow.




You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you.

ROBERT and KRISTEN continue not quite interacting with each other and having no chemistry what-so-ever.


Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What's going on?


Alright, you got me. I was acting like a jerk because I secretly totally love you.


Of course! This also explains why the captain of the football team always acted like he hated Stephanie Meyer!


There's more. I want to eat you.


Holy shit, really? I need to go home and do some waxing first, but...


No, I mean literally eat you. I'm a vampire.


Hmm. The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70s.



You really are a vampire! Does that mean that garlic, stakes, and sunlight kill you?


Don't be stupid. All of that lore is far too interesting for this movie. Being a vampire just means I get superpowers. It's like being Spider-Man, but sexier. Also, I sparkle in the sunlight.


So that's why why your family moved here, because it's always overcast!


That's right everyone, this whole movie is a two-hour-long setup for a joke about the Pacific Northwest.


So if you're immortal, how old are you anyway?


Over a hundred, but to be fair I've spent most of that time working on my hair.

The two of them GAZE into each other's eyes with UNCOMFORTABLY HUGE CLOSEUPS for 80% of the rest of the movie.


KRISTEN wakes up to find ROBERT watching her sleep.


Holy fucking shit! If you weren't so hot I'd have you arrested! How long have you been doing this?


2 months.


But I've only lived here one month according to the script.


Yeah, the script was written in six weeks. Don't get hung up on shit like that.


Oh. Well, as long as you're here I guess we could have sex.


No, I can't have sex with you! I'd be unable to control myself! I'd bite you and turn you into a vampire! Also I ejaculate boiling venom, so I'd need to wear like fifty condoms.


Wait, we can't have sex at all, and you can't suck my blood? How can you make a vampire movie without anyone sucking blood?


It's alright, I think this movie already has more than enough sucking.


BILLY BURKE is cleaning his gun and drinking a beer while listening to country music.


Dad, my boyfriend is coming over to pick me up. Try not to get dork all over him.


Okay, let me meet him after the movie makes the film industry's ten billionth joke about protective fathers disliking boyfriends.


Alright. Oh, and also: He's a 100-year-old vampire, don't say anything racist about vampires, okay?


Hello, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you, Kristen has said absolutely nothing about you because you're so lame.


So I hear you're a 100-years-old. And interested in my 17-year-old daughter. So, mathematically that's like, what, a 40-year-old dating a 6-year-old?




Yeah, so my friend Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat right over here.


Dad, you're embarrassing me almost as much as my acting! I'm just going over to his house to have dinner with his family, I'll be back before 11. Unless the ravenous vampires murder me, of course.


Alright, just bring this pepper spray with you. It's literally the very least I can do to offer it to my teenage daughter.


Daaaaad! Stop being such a loser, I don't need this!


Really? Weren't you almost raped by four guys earlier in the movie?


Yeah but I have a BOYFRIEND now, which means I no longer have to be independent or physically capable of doing anything on my own. GOD!

ROBERT and KRISTEN go to visit ROBERT'S FAMILY MANSION in the middle of the woods, because of course the FANTASY MALE should be rich, too.




Jesus, this place is paler than an Anne Rice book signing event. At least it doesn't smell as bad.


Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I'm the father figure of this family because I'm the one who turned them all into vampires. There's something disturbing about the idea that I've only turned teenagers into vampires, but let's ignore that.


Wow, you guys are so close. What keeps this family together so well?


Funny you should ask. Let me tell you about Count Joseph Von Smith. One day a vampire named Moronula appeared to him and told him to find these golden stakes buried in a coffin...


Knock it off, dad. So, Kristen, there must be something really special about you for Robert to take such a liking to you and risk the lives of his entire family. Tell us about yourself.


Me? Oh, no. I'm just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever.


Oh. Well what do you like to do for fun?


Mostly smoke pot on my porch in front of the paparazzi. What about you guys?


Vampire baseball.


Ha ha, no seriously.


Really. Vampire baseball. We even have uniforms. Want to come watch us play?


Actually, as it happens, the very last thing on Earth I or any other sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.

They play vampire baseball, which looks exactly as stupid as it sounds to all of the males in the audience. The game attracts the attention of some EVIL VAMPIRES, who actually do the type of shit vampires are supposed to, like fucking kill boring humans. One of them, CAM GIGANDET, notices KRISTEN.


Oh man, that looks great, are you gonna finish that?


Stay away from her or my family will have to kill you. Specifically, we'll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula, and then kill you.


Murder, eh? That's one hell of a family activity. My family usually just plays Scrabble.


The family that slays together, stays together.

CAM tries to eat KRISTEN, a poorly directed action sequence ensues, and eventually he is defeated.


Kristen's been bitten! She'll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can't do it for some reason or another.


Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?


Look, all I know is that even though it's going to be REALLY HARD, you're just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.



KRISTEN wakes up in the hospital, and ROBERT wakes up after her.


I thought vampires never slept.


Script. Six weeks. Remember?


Right. Well, thanks for saving my life after endangering it by inviting me into your dangerous world. Let's go to the prom together.


Actually, I think it would be better if we broke up. To keep you safe.


From vampires?


No, from being typecast forever after this series is done. I'm screwed, but it's not too late for you.


No. No, you can't ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.


Holy shit, you're a clingy psychotic bitch. Maybe we have a realistic high school relationship after all.

They stay together and go to the PROM.


I want you to make me a vampire so that I can be with you, even if it means sacrificing my own life as a mortal.


So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.


I love you. Put a baby in me.


At least the other three books can't possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.

They ARE.



Pillow Update

"New" pillow, new to me but already a member of our household, is great! (:
Smiles all around (:


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My Hunt for the Elusive Perfect Pillow

So my new "ergonomically designed pillow for side and back sleepers" from Ikea that "people just keep coming back for" [although why they would come back for more if they already have one is slightly beyond me, I suppose for the other family members but still...] has not won my obviously necessary approval... ^_^ I specifically told the saleswoman I wanted a pillow that was firm; but not hard, and definitely not too soft. Admittedly, this pillow was in between those by the standards of their other pillows. But I was suspicious from the moment I saw such a wide variety of pillows; no one needs that many pillow options unless have they have severe neck or back problems...

For the rest of the populace who just wants a pillow, what possible purpose could such a vast array of choices serve? Nothing but to befuddle the hapless customer so much that they simply take whichever pillow is put forward to be the best for them rather than try to make such a confusing decision all on their own.

How else would the ordinary middle class [free of back / neck issues] consumer decide to fork out up to $70 for a pillow that is essential a sort of bean shaped piece of foam and then yet another $30 for the special pillow cover to put the first item into so that that buyer's head may be more cushioned and appear to be lying on a pillow of normal shape during this mainly unconscious part of their life, rather than Pillow le Freak? Sure, it's shaped slightly strangely, but if you're prepared to pay seventy bucks for one pillow, can't you handle a little strange? Sigh. It's all about the aesthetics these days.

This pillow cover in question is not your average pillow cover which for all normal purposes would preserve hygiene in the ability to wash that rather than the entire pillow, and make it look nice in a customised way. Now, this particular pillow is firstly longer than most pillows, so that's a no to nice fun pillow covers. And because of its odd shape, said pillow requires the pillow cover which you insert the pillow into and it is cushiony and soft, and I'm sure its very nice. Necessary? With the global financial crisis, sleep may be the only time for contentment, so why not sacrifice some hard earned money for a little peace of mind? [NB. the global financial crisis doesn't really affect me directly since I don't have a job and my parents are the ones spending on me, but I'm not all that selfish.]

But at a hundred bucks a pop, I think I'll pass.

Now, my second hint that something was a little off were the names of different designs of pillows. It is my opinion that names, at least of objects, should indicate a little about their owners. Maybe these names mean something entirely related to pillow talk in Swedish, but as an English speaking citizen of Australia, I had no clue whatsoever what such ominous sounding names could mean. None sounded even remotely appealing to me. Here for example are a few I grabbed of Ikea's website [ikea.com.au if you're interested {Oh and the poor Northern Territory, they don't got no Ikea >.<}]: - GOSA HASSEL, GOSA KÄRNA, GOSA KLÄTT, GOSA RAPS. Oh and I'm sorry, it's not a pillow cover, its an outer pillow core ^_^. Why are the names in CAPITALS? They're intimidating enough already... What do such names conjure up in your mind?

Then, from the minute my parents decided to ask for assistance and the salesperson came out with the word "ergonomically" in relation to pillows, I knew this was a bad idea. However, against my better judgment, I kept my mouth shut; attempting to not be a pain and also trusting in Saleswoman's assumed knowledge. She works here, she uses words like "ergonomic", she must know pillows... She seems confident that this pillow is popular, although no figures were quoted [which could be bogus regardless], she's working with my specifications, maybe this is a good idea... Perhaps I should have recalled my friend who works at Baker's Delight, merely serving, complaining to me about how customers tended to ask her what type of bread goes best with *particular dish*; not really knowing, she tends to give what vague help she can while sounding authoritative. Of course, this was only months into her job, she seems to know better now, as I observed the other day while visiting her at work. Or perhaps she's just great at seeming knowledgeable about bread. Regardless, the same fundamental idea quite possibly applies to pillow salespeople.

Note to self: Follow your pillow instincts, and remember that the consumer market has essentially the same principles across the board, no matter the product...

Please take into consideration that I did not intend to buy a pillow from Ikea. I would have been satisfied with a new pillow from Kmart, Target, Big W, any department store is fine by me. However we were already at Ikea, shopping for furniture [and lunching. May I say, I don't understand the fuss about their food, I thought it quite average, although truth be told I only had a fruit flan since none of the main meals looked very appealing, and my family did say they were delicious. I'm a little fussy... But the fruit flan was nice. I like fruit flans, so it was nice that I thought it was nice, but it was your generic fruit flan. It wasn't rave worthy, no, certainly not. And for parents, yes, it's not just toddlers who are fussy with food; the stress of young children is nothing compared to that of teenagers, at least in my parents' eyes. I fully support them in that verdict, I'd be sick to death of me if I was my mother. Although I wasn't fussy at all as a child. Hmm...], and I happened to mention that I wanted a new pillow. Okay, I may have stressed that I needed a new pillow, and today; although I knew quite well it was not a need... in my defence, my neck had been rather sore for the last few weeks.

My problem with our current pillows? Well, you see, all the pillows available to me were either too thin or too thick, making for verrry uncomfortable attempts at sleep. I tried putting two "too thin" pillows together, but they were each thick enough that when together, were too thick, but by themselves, miserably flat. This was highly frustrating to me, and my sore neck morning after morning was not something I enjoyed. Thus the pillow hunt. Alas, had we but been at Marion [local shopping centre {or mall}] that day instead, at Harvey Norman, Freedom, or some other such furniture store in the vicinity, I might have ended up with a quick and easy choice to make, and a perfectly decent, non-ergonomic pillow.

Unfortunately, life doesn't consist of continual smooth sailing, and a pillow was bought for me from Ikea [Not the $70 one, but a 30 or 40 dollar pillow, which, although I am not a scrooge, particularly when it comes to spending my parents' money, seemed slightly ridiculous to me. Again, I should have said something, however it's nice when the parentals decide to buy me something that I think is at unacceptable price and do so quite happily and without complaint. I am guilty of... I forget what its called, but it is wrong, I know. And so, I hoped fervently that I would like said pillow]. Returnable as they are if within original plastic packaging and within 90 days, this story may also have had a happier ending, if not for my sister, missing the part of the conversation during the car ride home about how I should keep the pillow in its plastic as I trialled it [within a pillow case of course so I shouldn't suffocate; this being one of the pillows at a more regular size], and decided to assist me that evening by ripping open the plastic, as my mother and I watched in horror, unable to stop her before the deed was done. Here upon I was thinking something along the lines of "I must like this pillow, I must like this pillow" since it was now nonreturnable, costly, and I felt just a tad guilty because of the cost and non-necessity. In the mean time my mum freaked just a little and my sister had her "oops" moment. Really, it was all quite amusing.

With my positive and determined mindset towards the pillow, not to mention how it was ergonomically designed, how could I not like it? Pretty simple. It was still uncomfortable, no matter how I tried to convince myself I just needed to get used to it. After three nights, I couldn't take it anymore. However, salvation and redemption from any forthcoming guilt was still a slim possibility. See, my dad hasn't been too impressed with whichever pillow he's been using either, and he does have back problems.

{ASIDE: So does my mum actually, and hers + her neck problems are quite severe, which is why it's absolutely fantastic she continues to work as a carer at a nursing home. Which, if you don't know, involves lifting the residents, thus equalling very bad for her neck + back. But she enjoys working, she hadn't worked since my parents moved to Australia 18 years ago. She was very shy and after two years here, she had me, and then my sister, and stayed home to take care of us. She only began working perhaps a year and a half ago now, and only as a casual and relief, but still. I won't say it doesn't help the family although my dad's income is adequate, but I still worry about it. Please note that while I hardly get along with my mum at all, I do still appreciate everything she's done and continues to do for both I and my sister. She always puts us before herself, and while I disagree with some of her rules and such, she always has our best interests at heart, which I know even when I am arguing with her. And I do worry about her and want her to be happy and healthy and safe.}

So, my dad. My mum suggested, in store, that if I didn't like the pillow, Dad could try it also before returning it. Not that the return option is available anymore, but I am now hoping that he will find this troublesome pillow perfect. And, as I was taking it to him, planning to simply resign myself to one of the old pillows I was using before, he offered me a spare from my parents walk-in robe. I had seen this pillow before, but it is firm foam, hardish, and doesn't slope downwards around the edges. It's kinda high all around the outside so I've always been a little ehh about it. But, desperate for any kind of relief for my neck, I decided to try it. I haven't slept on it as such, but I did lie on it for a good half hour prior to returning here to blog, and it was surprisingly comfortable. I think I could definitely get used to it ^_^


Haha so after the wild goose chase for my elusive perfect pillow, it may have been here under my nose [figuratively; the more accurate position would be on the other side of this wall in front of me and a bit to the left...] all along. While it wasn't the longest search in history, it has been a trying period in life for me. XD

And if you needed an example as to just how much I can write about completely pointless matters, well I'd say here's a good one. (:

I wish you all a good [due to your own perfect pillow ;)] night.



Tuesday, December 16, 2008

This is so sad and so worth thinking about

I read this on someone's blog who got it off another site...

I just think it is worth sharing

How much is your time worth?

December 12, 2008

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: ‘Daddy, may I ask you a question?’

DAD: ‘Yeah sure, what it is?’ replied the man.

SON: ‘Daddy, how much do you make an hour?’

DAD: ‘That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?’ the man said angrily.

SON: ‘I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?’

DAD: ‘If you must know, I make $50 an hour.’

SON: ‘Oh,’ the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: ‘Daddy, may I please borrow $25?’

The father was furious, ‘If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.’

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to think:

Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

‘Are you asleep, son?’ He asked.

‘No daddy, I’m awake,’ replied the boy.

‘I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier’ said the man. ‘It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $25 you asked for.’

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. ‘Oh, thank you daddy!’ he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

‘Why do you want more money if you already have some?’ the father grumbled.

‘Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,’ the little boy replied.

‘Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.’

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.



Hello world, this is me

For those of you who have recently started following my blog or would just like to know more about me, this is a little info on who I am and an indication of some of the matters I have and will continue to blog about. (:

One more thing before I begin, thank you very much for following and leaving comments, it's a great encouragement (:

I laugh a little too loud at my own jokes, I love a little too recklessly, and accidentally push away those I care about far too often...

I'm a little idealistic, I want to believe the best of everyone. At the same time, I'm that tiny bit cynical.

I want attention but hate it when I get it; I'm incredibly optimistic for a negative person, and I'm just as much of a contradiction as I'm sure you are.

To say I'm over-dramatic is something of an understatement; I overreact to each small incident as though it's World War III...

I love using quotes and song lyrics to explain how I feel and what I believe in.

I wish on stars and 11.11, although I don't believe in it. Just in case. Maybe you'll come back. I'm waiting. Hoping. With no idea what else I can do anymore.

I use faces a lot while typing to express the tone in which I'm saying something, sorry if it's irritating but I'm using age as my excuse. The main ones you'll see me use are :) ;) :( (: >=( >=| ;P :P :@[angry] :$ which are mainly derived from MSN. Then, there are these, which rather than being 90degrees off, are to be looking at full on - >.< which is a glare and >.> a sideways glare. I'm not assuming you're stupid or anything; I didn't understand what they were without an explanation.

Hey, at least I don't text type! Incorrect grammar is something I hate. Remember, I'm Australian, so it's not a spelling error when I write things like "realised" rather than "realized" or "centre" instead of "center"; we measure our temperature in degrees Celsius, weight in mg/g/kg, length in cm/m/km, etc. Sorry if that sounded at all pompous, it wasn't meant to be.

I'm really easily peer pressured, it's probably a good thing that on the important matters I have friends I want to please equally who have opposite views, and I tend to side with the safer ones, at least for now.

Call me old fashioned but I believe that marriage is something that should last forever, while divorce is understandable in some cases, a lot of the times, problems can be worked out if that's what both parties really want. I want to marry someone who I know without a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with, who will feel the same about me.

People are the most important thing, above popularity, wealth, success, above anything else; I strongly believe that every person is equal. This does not mean that everyone is equal in skill levels etc., but rather that as a human being, they have feelings, hopes, beliefs, and different things they can contribute to our global society, and as humans they are worth no more or no less than any other, whether royalty or homeless person.

Money and possessions don't guarantee happiness.

The movement "To Write Love On Her Arms" is something incredibly meaningful to me, I can't quite put into words just how much it means; for something that has helped me gain the courage to live life, to take a stand for myself against the very worst of me, to believe in hope and to keep going, how can I explain that? Renee Yohe, who is the reason the movement began, is someone I look up to greatly. Read her story here

I believe in the need for community, that we all need each other. We are made to interact and live with one another. We are meant to support and depend on each other as necessary. It is the best way to live, sharing each others' burdens.

I believe that "Global is not a nice idea. Global is reality", that we as humans need to put aside what society tells us is important - putting self before everyone else. For my blog on that, click here.

Jamie Tworkowski's [of To Write Love On Her Arms] blog on the subject is here.

I believe in God but I am not a Christian, although I believe in everything it is about and was brought up in Christian home.

I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance. Perhaps even a third or fourth, perhaps even more. Whether a person is capable of forgiving someone harmful actions that many times is another matter. But people do change. And if we don't give everyone another chance when they request one, how will we ever know if they are one of those who deserve this chance, who will change? Maybe I'm a little too forgiving...

I used to self harm and while I have stopped now [since the 2nd of July, 2008], and I strongly believe for good, it is something which has overreaching consequences and I still struggle with the urges to. I had attempted to stop in previous years, but relapsed a couple of times, but I think I am strong enough and have the right motives for wanting to stop this time. This used to take the form of cutting, burning, hitting my head, overdosing on painkillers, etc. It is something I feel is not talked about enough and many people write it off as something done by someone seeking attention, or "emos" or those who are suicidal. This is not the case and I think it is important to raise awareness about the realities of this issue.

I am 16 years old and in 2009 will be starting my final year of high school. With my interests being literature and society and environment, I will be doing English Studies, Classical Studies, German and Biology/preferably Modern History. After high school I want to go to Uni. I think I would like to be a nurse so this is what I am planning to study, however I love writing and dream of being a published author someday as well. My reasons for wanting to be a nurse are mainly that I passionately want to do something to help people, although I am fairly open and flexible as to where this may take me.

Writing is something I have done for years now, and it is something I have always seemed to be fairly good at, as others have told me. I am not so confident in my own skills, but would love to accept this. I'm told my writing seems far more mature than that of a sixteen year old, I'm happy with that. I find writing to be helpful when I am upset, confused, etc. I have rarely felt as helpless as when I was not able to express my emotions. I love writing narratives as well, as you can see in my other blog, however I am working on doing so with more regularity.

My family consists of my parents and my one younger sister, younger by 364 days ^_^
I don't get along with my mum at all, my dad somewhat, but my sister and I are fairly close these days (: I am very protective of her. And regardless, I love my family. My parents are Indian but both I and my sister were born here in Adelaide, South Australia and I consider myself Australian. In 1998 and 1999, my family lived in Auckland, New Zealand, and although it was great, we ultimately moved back here to Adelaide, which I have to say is even better, although many people hate it since it's so quiet and there isn't a lot to do...

This year has been a turbulent one for me. I became even closer with my two girl best friends and became best friends with the guy who lives across the road from me and also goes to the same school in the same year level. Three months ago within one and a half weeks, lost them all permanently, or so I thought. Miserable because of this, I resorted to overdosing on painkillers at school in an attempt to stop thinking just for a while. The last time I had done this was the 12th of November, 2007. My other friends who realised what I had done told our homegroup teacher; an ambulance was called, and I had to spend that night and the next day in hospital attached to a drip.

Lots of things have changed since then, I now see a counsellor regularly =/ but she's actually great. I think you'll find I am actually a very positive and hopeful person. I am still hoping to fix things with my friends, and just two days ago, my guy friend who I had completely given up on having him as a friend again began to talk to me. Things are still awkward but hope is pulsing through my veins so strongly that I am getting swept away. My friends mean a lot to me, but I overreact a lot.

During the self harm, I had been told that it was something I would later regret; however I cannot bring myself to regret any of it. There is no point in ruing the past, when we cannot change it. We can change the future and that is what we should focus on. Any bad experience can be made good of if we choose to, and often these things that we live through can be used to help other people. That is what I hope to do, to be able to help others who are struggling with the same things by understanding what they have gone through and using my knowledge to benefit them in some way, as Renee of TWLOHA has done for me and so many others. In her words, "that is what the pain was for, and that is worth it all, and more."

I will add to this later and any help from any of my friends who read this would be great ;P But that's all for now. (:


Monday, December 15, 2008

Can't wipe that smile off my face

I know so much is still uncertain, we may never regain the level of friendship we had, but for now I'm willing to lay all of that aside and simply rejoice in the amazement of this, this is a better Christmas present than any I could have asked for...
My Christmas miracle (:
Emma has made me see the brightest side to this, while we are still awkward and our conversation thus far has been limited mainly to discussing music and the game he was playing, and a couple of other things, as well as old memories but nothing too important... I have talked to the ex best friend for the second time in months and I could be floating right now.


Quick P.S.

For those of you only just recently having begun to read my blog, I'll detail what's happening later, right now I'm too much on edge to make sense
But [the ex best friend] is my best friend, was I suppose.
We haven't talked for, over three months now because, I don't even know why. Missed him so much.
And ahhhhhhhhhhh
kay i'm going to go try my new pillow



is a pretty good word for how I'm feeling.
Admittedly it's 4.35AM and I got 4 hours sleep last night, or thereabouts. No, pretty much exactly 4 hours, I just wanted to say "or thereabouts" ;P
But besides the lack of sleep, ohmygod.
I'm all jittery and aghhh
I never ever saw this coming
I would have expected pigs to fly before this ever occurred.
It's so WEIRD.
SO weird.
Like I just sent to Kate, I'd have believed the possibility of my being pregnant over the possibility of this happening, and I'm a virgin
That's how much I never would have believed this would happen
I'm speechless, trying to explain how I feel when I don't even know, which is why all you're getting is ramble...


Still shocked

Almost elated but not quite.. what if he's just doing it as a one off for some random reason

I hate how awkward everything is

I'm so scared

This was the last thing ever that I had expected.

I was resigned to us not being friends.

Not daring to hope.

This is so fucked.

But, ohmygod.

I could cry, I'm so.. not happy. But, overcome because I expected us to never ever talk again.

I'm full of such mixed emotions, I don't even know how I feel.

It's so weird

Oh my god....

This is all kinda surreal lol.


I am in shock

I swear to God I almost had a heart attack lol


The ex best friend just started talking to me on MSN.



EBF says:
am I the only one who's completely fed up with this "not talking" business that we have going on here
Toivoa   says:
um what?
EBF says:
in short: let's put the bullshit behind us
Toivoa   says:
i would love to, i just didn't think you wanted to.
EBF says:
well, now you know that I think it's a good idea
Toivoa   says:
Toivoa   says:
/starts conversation
Toivoa   says:
hi ebf, how are you?
EBF says:
EBF says:
I'm pretty damned good
EBF says:
how are you?



My heart is beating faster than Bella around Edward Cullen when he dazzles her... rofl


Sunday, December 14, 2008

"People Should Smile More"

So says (rather, sings) Newton Faulkner... [Kathleen's music is infiltrating my life]
However, while I definitely agree, I really think people should also blog more.

And, while I have been meaning to make my posts shorter, as they ought to be, after a cursory glance at my most recent (prior to this) post has shown me all too clearly that I still need to work on that.

Alas, there are so many words to play with, it's like an amazing game, seeing which fit together in the best way to make a delightful piece... I tend to repeat myself with different wordings simply because there are so many good options that I cannot bear to use just one...


Dare You to Move // Question

"Between who you are and who you could be,
Between how it is and how it should be;
I dare you to move,
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
I dare you to move
Like today never happened.
Maybe redemption has stories to tell,
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell,
Where can you run to escape from yourself,
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here...."

i love this song, because I think the lyrics are very important.

The lyrics to the entire song are worth thinking about, but I have picked out the end of a verse, the chorus, and the closing lines of the song to display here. It's my "motivation" song, to keep going, to remind me that I can't escape problems by trying to run away, to hide; when I am trying to run from who I am. It can't be done, and I don't have to go anywhere else to fix that which is broken, the answer, "salvation" is already right in front of me. I have to stand and face what's wrong rather than hiding from it...
God knows I need this reminder more often than not.

This song, essentially, is about courage, having the courage to live life, the way it should be, regardless of the pain we may face, because pain is an inescapable part of life, but we shouldn't let it stop us or drag us down.
And that in the pain, getting through it and moving on, we can learn from it.

Part of the challenge of this song is to get up and make the changes that need to be made. There's a song by John Mayer with the lines "We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change." This song has always slightly annoyed me in that, waiting does nothing. And change does not come about through doing nothing. There's no good in "waiting on the world to change", we must actively do our part to change it. Every person has the power to change the world. To take that first step; who knows how that will inspire others to also do the same? We may never even see the extent of the impact we have, but we definitely can't wait around for other people to start something. We have to "be the change we want to see in the world" or however the saying goes.
I could go on with quotes from random things, eg.
- "A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man can make the difference between victory and defeat." - The Emperor, Mulan
- "A single raindrop raises the sea." - Dinotopia

These lyrics also speak about hope, and if you've read many of my posts, you should know that hope is something vital to me, vital to everyone, I believe.
It is what keeps us going.

Because there always is a reason to keep going. And this song is my challenge to have faith in that reason, even when I can't quite see it or feel it; to know that there is a reason and keep living life. To quote To Write Love On Her Arms or specifically, Renee Yohe, yet again "The stars are always there, but we miss them in the dirt and the clouds. We miss them in the storms."
The stars are still there behind the darkness, and so is the reason to live, so is hope. Sometimes it takes a little blind faith.

Life wasn't mean to be easy, it is something that takes courage, but we aren't alone in this. I've said this before we are a sociable creature; we were made to live with each other, to interact and depend on one another.


QUESTION: What are the twelve days of Christmas? I mean, why??? It's Christmas Day... So what is the meaning of the whole twelve days of Christmas song, and what is the significance of 12, specifically? I'll do some research [or e-search ;P] on the internet, but what are your thoughts / knowledge on the matter? (:


I'd just like to direct you to the blog of Comic Book Superzero for a post I found extremely funny ;P



Saturday, December 13, 2008

Never Judge a Book By its Cover

Okay, while there is some merit in the old phrase, we do tend to pick up books with covers that catch our eye.
But when it comes to this blog, definitely don't make the mistake of judging it by its title...
"Diary of an Old Fart" is the blog of a 64 year old (i think?) man and is a brief account of events in his day to day life...
While the title isn't the most flattering, he writes in a quirky, thoroughly entertaining and at times, thought provoking way; never going on too long, as I am continuously guilty of.
There is a lot of reflection and it's an insightful look into his life, I enjoy reading it, and part of the attraction is that it takes so little time, I can read it quickly and still get a lot out of those few paragraphs.
It's touching.
I love it, you have got to read it for yourself! (:

Click here.


Quick bitch about Blogger (the site) ++ amazing lyrics (:

Okay, so I have approximately two major complaints with Blogger.
Numeros Unos
or whatever, aka, #1. That one cannot merely comment others' profiles or message them, as on most social networking sites. So maybe I'm far too used to MySpace, but since even Last.fm and many other music / miscellaneous sites also have this feature available, why can't Blogger? It would be sooo handy. Or a status update, like Twitter. Either or both would be lovely

#2, which happens to be relevant to me at this point in time since I am mucking around with my blog layout. If I choose to show my labels, or tags, on my blog, the only options I have are to show them alphabetically or in order of frequency. What I want is the option of not showing tags unless they are used more than once, since the length of tags trailing alongside my posts is not something I find in the least bit becoming. I mean, it's not like my archive listings take up enough sprawling room...
Of course I could merely remove labels from my blog page, however, I want them there. Just not all of them!



These lyrics are so hopeful and sweet and uplifting, heartwarming, yeah you get the drift...

While I haven't heard the song, I love the lyrics, and may get around to listening to it sometime, but even if I dislike the music, I will still take away the meaning in the words, which is the most important thing!

So anyway here they are (:

"Show the Way" by David Wilcox

You say you see no hope, you say you see no reason we should dream
That the world would ever change
You're saying love is foolish to believe
'Cause there'll always be some crazy with an army or a knife
To wake you from your day dream, put the fear back in your life...

Look, if someone wrote a play just to glorify
What's stronger than hate, would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the hero came too late he's almost in defeat
It's looking like the Evil side will win, so on the Edge
Of every seat, from the moment that the whole thing begins
It is...

Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness love can show the way

So now the stage is set. Feel you own heart beating
In your chest. This life's not over yet.
so we get up on our feet and do our best.
We play against the fear. We play against the reasons not to try.
We're playing for the tears burning in the happy angel's eyes
For it's...

Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness, love can show the way


Found and stole this from

um, Splotchy coz I think it's great! Kudos to Splotchy! ;P


"Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.

If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.

Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours.

There always has to be a start of a story, so here it is.


The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me."


Upon glancing around to apologise to its owner, I realised with a start that it belonged to no one. My imagination needed no prompting from the poster on the bus itself to tell me that unaccompanied parcels could be dangerous. I had just watching "The Interpreter" the other day, and my thoughts flashed back to the scene in which a passenger leaves a lunch bag containing a bomb on the bus, exploding shortly after he gets off it.
Of course, it could easily just be an innocent mistake by a commuter, a forgotten purchase of some sort...
As my logical side fought with the creative, quite possibly unstable part of my brain, I thought of various objects the box might contain, already knowing that logic was in for a beating once more.


Please continue this story virus.

I tag: xCarCrashHearts aka Shazz


Aimee Jade



This is actually really awesome

Yes, it's long. But it's such a great idea, I love it! Plus you get a free song when you subscribe to their mailing list... (L) Mae (: && LOVING FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS RIGHT NOW (: Album - Underdog Alma Mater (Y)


Subscribe to Mae mailing list for free song and updates

"As this new year begins, we are reminded that once again, on some level, our story begins anew. Our story is a collection of decisions that we work through every day. Those days connect and become years. Those years connect and become a life. Those lives connect and become a generation. Those generations connect and become history. We create and change the course of history with every decision. That is the power you hold in every one of your choices. That is the scope of your significance. You are a writer of history. It is not an option, it is a certainty. You may think that your voice is insignificant, but we invite you to come with us for one year, and we will show you over the course of that year exactly how significant your voice truly is.

Every month in 2009 we will be bringing you a new song that is part of a bigger story. These songs are like the hours that make up the day. These songs are like the months that make up the year. These songs are like years that make up a life. They are about the tiny choices we make that lead to large results. Sometimes these results are wonderful; sometimes they are terrible. We learn from both.

Three times during 2009 we will put these songs together and give you an EP. As we search to understand the meaning of our own stories we can shift our perspectives to see things under a different light. We expand our understanding in these moments. This is like finishing one chapter and moving to the next part of the story. These EPs represent the broad chapters of our life. They will be called:


(M)orning represents the beginning of the day, the beginning of the year, and the beginning of a life. It is our childhood. It is our fresh start. It is our new hope. It is the empty canvas of our minds and the beginning of our story.

(A)fternoon represents the middle of the day, summer turning into autumn, adulthood, parenthood, and the time in life to take control and write the story we want to leave behind.

(E)vening represents the end of the day, the return of winter, looking back at the end of our life, and preparing for death. This is the one time in our lives where our perspective is clearest and we see the arc of our story as a whole.

Here is the invitation and the promise. When you come to back to whatismae.com you will be able to hear all of the music for free. And we will make every song available as a digital download for a minimum donation of $1. Our promise to you is to commit every dollar earned through these digital downloads towards making the world a better place. We will be asking you to help us choose projects to focus on. The power of community is the strength of numbers. As we tie our voices, our resources, our minds, and most importantly our actions together, we will see the world change for the better over the course of this year.

Progress requires focus. In each of these chapters we will focus on certain issues and ask you to help us choose the best way to make a difference. We want to approach this in a way that aligns with the greater narrative. Here is how we will break it down:

(M)orning: [January - April] This is the season to focus on youth and help instill appreciation for music and the arts. Music is the world's language. It has the ability to bridge nations and to connect people. We have been changed by the power of music. That is a gift we want to share. Art goes hand in hand with music as a powerful voice of expression. Art shows us the world from the people's point of view. Art is the vessel of the human experience and it is a powerful weapon in the hands of truth. This is also the time to focus on education. Learning is what opens the doors to a better future. What aspects of the education system need our help? How do we educate ourselves to face the world's problems as they become ours to solve? These are the issues of Morning:


(A)fternoon: [May - August] This is the season to consider the challenges we face as adults. The world is shrinking. We are connected through technology, economy, and destiny. No matter how diverse we are, we share a common humanity. Our unique cultural legacies should be respected and celebrated. Our wealth and prosperity inevitably rises and falls together. Who among us can truly celebrate our own prosperity when our neighbor starves to death? When we experience the world's poverty, it changes our priorities. Yet this economic progress must come with respect for the fragile and dynamic nature of our planet. We are building a future for our children and their great great grandchildren. What will their world look like? The choice is ours and we must consider this big picture with great respect for those who will come after us. These are the issues of Afternoon:


(E)vening: [September - December] This is the season to step back and see the bigger picture. We work and then we check our progress. This is how progress is made. When we make mistakes, we correct our mistake and resume the journey. We all make mistakes. What sets us apart is how we react to them and move beyond them. One day the students will become the teachers. One day the children will become the parents. Think about how we will inspire those who come after us to continue on the path to hope for everyone. What is the story we want to leave behind? Are we writing it with our actions? What do we want to world to be like? How do we get there? These are the issues of Evening.


There will be countless opportunities for you to be involved during this process. We will be asking you to take photos throughout the year that tell us your story. We will use those photos in our art and in our live performances. We encourage you to share this music with everyone. Tell them what is going on. Invite them to be a part of this. We are your band and your community. This is a chance for you to take your love of music and make a difference in the world. You are the vital piece that completes this puzzle and we can not do it without you.

Our hope is that this music will inspire you to step back and look at the bigger picture we are all a part of. None of us are truly alone. Many times it feels like we are completely alone. In those moments, we hope that you find comfort in these sounds. We hope you remember that these words and melodies have been sung by many thousands of others, and their voices are tied to yours. We hope that your voice will sing along and find its place here in this community as we work together, as humble people, to make a difference in a world that needs our help.

To download "Somewhere," simply go here and use the password: thankyou. You can also read Dave's explanation about the origin of the song here.

Thank you,


My Apologies Were Never Quite Enough

I just wanted to apologise for the banality of my posts lately, nothing very interesting at all, or if so, merely copy pasted, while acknowledging that.

I haven't written in a while, though my tremendously long posts leave something to be desired anyway; perhaps brevity? ^_^

I do tend to go off on tangents far too much. And I'm not too sure that all that many people enjoy my detailed insight on the mind of a reformed and hopefully staying reformed self harmer who still thinks about it a lot...

But, topics I am intending to write about soon:

- Why I hate Christmas

- Why I faintly want to be a part of the scene

- My thoughts on the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer

-The food thing these days

And so on and so forth.

I'll try to keep my three ex (?) best friends out of the picture, I think it's enough of the missing them in text for everyone to read, it must get old. Needless to say, it hasn't gotten old to me, I still miss them.

That's all for now, it's 12.53AM.

I'll be fixing up my iTunes for a couple of hours now (:



Friday, December 12, 2008

Hair Extensions

Don't worry I'm not considering the whole scene look again

Well, it's in the back of my mind, but my parents would never let me and I don't think I'd want to chance it in case it looked bad

Pssh anyway, black hair extensions, just for my hair to be longer?

Kinda want my hair drastically different, either much longer or shorter and layered heaps. or you know both, the second and then add in extensions whenever ^_^

So what do you think? Back to long hair for me, or not?



Thursday, December 11, 2008

Being a house pixie

is draining. Of life.

It's working.

However it's hard to remember that I should be doing all the housework without being asked, uncomplainingly... I'm really much too lazy to be a true house pixie..

I'm still dying.

Edit: however, we do have juice! Which means i have no excuse not to put phase 3 into action...

/That sad slash wistful smile I do... Lol you may not think of it as that, but the way I smile when I feel like that, that's how I'm smiling now ^_^

Oh I'm so wonderfully bent on self destruction for purely experimental purposes... Great. ;p


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

AWWW this is cute! (:

found it on someone else's blog

There IS a "Secret Santa." Perhaps you've heard of him. I got an email from him last year after I shared the following story.

This real guy walked into the local thrift store and stepped in front of a fella who tried his best to move out of the way. "I'm Secret Santa and I want you to have this," the stranger said as he handed his victim 2 hundred-dollar bills. "Merry Christmas!"

This anonymous Santa is a businessman from Kansas City. His plan is to cross the country, going into dozens of thrift stores, laundromats and bus stations, and walk up to hundreds of strangers who seem like they could use a Franklin or two and light up their lives.

By Christmas this stranger will have given out $75,000. "Is this for real?" the victim asked. "It's for real, buddy," Santa said. "And I can keep it?" "It's yours and you can keep it." "God bless you. I was down to my last 20 cents."

The current Secret Santa made a promise to Mr. Stewart, the original Secret Santa, that he would keep the Santa thing alive. Mr. Stewart had invested the last 25 years of his life giving away more than a million dollars -- one Franklin at a time.

I think there really is a secret Santa in each of us -- it's just a matter of letting him out. God put the spirit of giving in us long before anyone heard of Santa.


Larry had been out of work for months, and in early October his home went into foreclosure. He withdrew $300 from an ATM to use as a deposit on a rent house and put the ATM receipt in his shirt pocket.

With everything happening around him, he forgot the withdrawal. A couple weeks later the bank sent a letter reporting over $1000 in bounced checks along with the NSF fees charged by the bank.

Embarrassed by it all, Larry and his wife kept it to themselves. Both took on part-time jobs. And with Christmas just around the corner, they decided this year would be something small for the girls and nothing for each other. They felt alone and powerless.

It was their secret.

Then in mid December Larry found a $400 check in his church mailbox with a note, "From Your Friends. Merry Christmas."

"To this day, we don't know ..."

A couple weeks later, on Christmas Eve, the family was watching TV when the doorbell rang. Outside on the porch they found sacks of groceries, a complete Christmas dinner, dresses for the girls, and a shirt and tie for Larry. "To this day," Larry says, "we don't know who made 3 dresses, and gave us so much at Christmas. It was a defining moment when God reminded us that HE provides."


You don't have to have a million dollars to be a blessing to others. But it would be a great secret calling. There are people all around us who need a bite to eat, a cup of coffee, a smile, a conversation, a kind word, a blessing, a prayer, a gentle lift. Do you see them? You've still got time.

You have something very valuable inside you ... a treasure ... the calling to make a difference in someone this week. God has put it on you ... to give to someone in secret.

Don't waste your time wishing for Santa to come to your house, make a secret trip to a house that needs what you have. Ask God to put you in the path of just the right person this week, the one who needs a visit from secret Santa and then discover the joy of the secret.

Don't just wish it, do it.

(c) 2008 FaithFitness and Ron Rose



Monday, December 8, 2008

I have nothing to say

Actually, I have much to blog about. I have several posts in the conception or even fully developed stage in my head... But now is not the time. It is too sunny and I am bored and I have read so much in the past two weeks I could explode. I missed reading all the time. But it's such a distraction and so good for isolation... >.<

P.S. I don't think any of you quite understand the concept of a house pixie.


Saturday, December 6, 2008

house pixie house pixie house pixie

ima be a house pixie...


day 1 is almost over

all i need is juice.

never decide to experiment with psychological effects on yourself.

i'm grounded.


One of my best friends has gone to New Zealand today

and her twin brother...


I'll miss her.

We haven't been this close in a long time

She's going to have the most amazing time (:

And perhaps Michelle and I will finally get the chance to catch up, even though without her

My most significant friendships tend to be in threes...

New word to describe me is: docile. I am the house pixie C:


Thursday, December 4, 2008

Dear God,

Please don't let Wentworth Miller be gay

My sister told me he was /cries


because seriously, ohmygod...


no but take a look at what i mean, if you don't already agree... lol

oh noes it cut off his face!

lol not to worry

(L) Prisonbreak and Dinotopia haha


ZOMG lol



it's GIBBS!!!!!!!!! FROM NCIS





get me out

get me fucking out i want out of my mind /scrunches face


cxgdjdl;fhk;lsfedjlkhfdbv nkj

miss him :(


Hope is not a myth

Whatever you find it in...

Please don't just stop reading.

"I would like to share with you some of my story. I grew up in a dysfunctional environment. Actually, calling it dysfunctional is putting it mildly. My parents divorced when I was five years old and soon after, my mother remarried. That man, who became my step father, also became my perpetrator. At the age of eleven he decided I was old enough to receive an education in sex and became my abuser. I was one of the lucky ones, the ones who were believed when they finally told. When I did tell my mother, she immediately left my step father. I spent the next few years drowning myself in drugs and boys as my mother walked around having a nervous breakdown. I tried very hard to bury the abuse but it just seemed to ooze out in other ways. I was hurt, abandoned and broken.

At the age of 16 I began to date someone seriously. I was crazy about him. I had always known that his parents were "religious" but didn't really know much else about them. I had only met them once or twice in the two years we dated. I didn't know this then, but he had grown up in a Christian home. Right before we broke up he decided to share something with me. He told me that if I truly believed that Christ died on the cross for me that I could go to heaven. That's it, that's all he told me. But it gave me hope, a hope I had never been given before. I remember that night, talking to God and saying "I do believe, I do believe that Jesus died on the cross for me, please help me"

Something changed in me that night. It really was like I was blind and I could finally see. I remember walking outside the next morning and the sky was so blue and beautiful. It looked totally different, like I was really seeing it for the first time. I began to hunger to know who God was. I found a bible in my sister’s bookshelf and began to read it. I was drinking in every word and the words came alive on the page. It was my only connection to God. I knew no one that was a Christian.

Several months later my roommate came home from work talking about her boss at the gas station she worked at. He was telling her all about Christ and she began to share with me. I knew I had to talk to him. He was the most dynamic man and he LOVED God. He led me to a church and eventually I even became a part of his family. His mother gave me a place to live, his sister became my best friend and he became one of the ministers at my church. I had a loving Christian family for the first time in my life.

I would like to say that this was the end and I happily served God the rest of my life but I didn't. After about two years, God began to ask things of me that I wasn't willing to do. Mainly he wanted me to trust him and obey. There are many reasons that I won't go into but I couldn't allow myself to trust completely and I fell away. I stayed away and lived in sin for eighteen years. It wasn't until life became so unbearable that I finally let Him take over and have my whole life.

In spite of my rebellion, he greeted me with open arms. He began to heal my past and bless my future. I don't deserve the love and acceptance he has given me but I am grateful for it anyway. It has been in my surrender to Him and my trust in Him that I have found what I always needed. I found someone to really love me unconditionally, flaws and all. I found true acceptance. I didn’t have to change to come to Him... I found a hope for the future, one that I could count on to be filled with joy.

In the last six years, He has restored me. I am no longer haunted by the things of my past. He has changed me and made me worthy to be called a child of God. I am becoming who He intended me to be. If you allow Him, He will also do that for you."

go to original blog post here


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The "Twilight" series

So I've been meaning to read these books for months and months, almost this whole year, or possibly before, since a friend first showed them to me at a bookstore in the city and said they were her favourite books ever, and lately, since practically everyone has gone insane with excitement over them and my sister has read the three, i feel very ashamed and behind
so anyway before the movie comes out i want to read the book...
The first one at least that is..
Anyone wanna lend it to me like two days before the movie at least, i mean i could read it in one day but just in case i become otherwise unavoidably occupied etc..
quickly... december 10...
coz i wanna see it with people.



I'm usually okay at waiting, I have waited for a bus for over an hour before, in India taken a bus standing for over two hours [sigh] and can wait out stuff fairly well.
But being grounded the last two days, not seeing my friends sunday, and saturday i spent the day with my sister which was great but it's not quite the same, you know? which reminds me i saw these awesome heels ;P
anyhow, i'm supposed to be going out with two friends, but they need to check their blogs and call me lol, since i have no credit and i don't want to ring them and wake them up by mistake
i truly suck at sleeping in



i've been trying to comment your last post but it won't let me, our internet connection is practically dead atm >=|
anyhow.. there are gardening shows on at this time...?
and do they have those porn ads in between still..
i'd also like to point out the fact that i am, in fact, not sleeping. although i'm not watching any tv at all either...
also, just personally, creeped out by the idea of the Sandman. I think the reason is an Enid Blyton book... one of The Wishing Chair ones? No, no, Faraway Tree, and they end up in a bed and the Sandman chucks sand in their eyes and they fall asleep and the bed turns into different things but then whats her face, umm something wash a lot and whatshisname come up too and she wets the sack and then whatshisface slits the sack at the bottom and takes dry sand and throws it in the Sandman's eyes so he falls asleep and then they all maneuvre the bed out of the hole down the tree somehow, they have something that they use to make the bed fly...? so i guess the whole idea of the sandman slightly disturbed me since he was like some awful man who would have trapped them there once the land moved away from the tree...


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

A little something for Sam

You may find this image somewhat more hopeful, and pretty... You know Renee, the girl that TWLOHA was started for?

Well she made the cuts, she bled, but she came through. And these are her reminders that what got her through is real:

renee's tattoos,arms

You can still see the scars, but they have healed over. And brighter than those faded images of pain and hurt are love and hope, as words, but symbols of the reality of those things (:

I want a tattoo on my left wrist, not quite like this although I think it's nice, maybe "Hope is not a myth" at an angle on the right side of my wrist, in small letters.. just something that will be an everyday reminder (:

I hope this is rather more pleasant and uplifting than the last image..



rah my head hurts so much,
it's my fault but ehh
yesterday - hitting head repeatedly,
in several places
thus there is now a major bump to the left side of my head, my forehead feels bruised but not enough to be visible and the back of my head, who even knows
lol rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh >.<
not cool
positive - tomorrow i can go out!!!!
who shall i go out with and where?????????


Oh. My. God.


okay so this is not me. i stress that. and this is probably highly disturbing. but these cuts are so pretty...

Warning: You may find this image highly disturbing.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic


I liked mine on my leg, unfortunately I accidentally deleted the picture I had of it.. It was pretty, glistening with blood...

Agh okay stop. :$

EDIT : okay revision. so this is highly disturbing thing. i still stand by that it's kindah pretty, but i can't really stand to look at it too long, it's so violent
mine were better ^_^
sdfhdgjfkljglkfd it's so just, so violent and vicious, yeeeah.


So what am I incredibly excited about?



Just need someone to go with... even though Lynley said she would, we like different bands, so..




Monday, December 1, 2008

You're missing

major meltdown here

And I just hope you're missing me too


uncontrollable sobbing and gasping for breath, hyperventilated type breathing,  my mind is a mess

i am a mess

"..i need you to try and save me,

it's okay that we're dying,

but i need to survive tonight, tonight" this


That's it

haha not quite
i can't be bothered having a shower as yet, ehhh tonight i suppose
i'm listening to the Hairspray soundtrack, could do with watching it with someone right now
ima gonna go find something to knit >.<
lol i like knitting

i'm half considering refusing to eat in protest of being grounded LOL
but nah i eat when i'm bored aha, and we have tiny teddies atm
actually i don't even feel like eating regardless
so eh we'll see


shoot me

i want out
so bored
i'm dying
my eyes are like filled with tears from the too much in front of screen thing
this isn't just boredom
this is me not wanting to be here because i'm back in one of those stages where i get hell emo fairly often and absolutely go psycho over the smallest argument and revert to the actions and thoughts of a three year old chucking a tantrum
i need people


Goodbye 69

70th post
rahhh so bored


Why Flash Mobs Are Great

lol, this is off some japanese game show


and as for the Adelaide flash mob... http://www.adelaideflashmob.com/

they also have a MySpace and Facebook. ;P