I decided this yesterday, but so you know. I really want to be with Chris, the boy from school. I haven't had a chance to talk to Italics Boy yet. But it's time for me to stop running everytime I like someone who likes me back. And I really like him and I want him to be happy. He deserves it.
... not literally.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I decided this yesterday, but so you know. I really want to be with Chris, the boy from school. I haven't had a chance to talk to Italics Boy yet. But it's time for me to stop running everytime I like someone who likes me back. And I really like him and I want him to be happy. He deserves it.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I still struggle with the urge to hurt myself. It hasn't come on particularly strong in ages, which I am grateful for, but the other day I was a bit disturbed when the thought passed through my mind that I should, for no conceivable reason apart from that I wanted to.
[WARNING: this is a description of my past self harm and quite likely highly disturbing for a lot of you]
I've mentioned this before, I do get some sort of perverse pleasure from it, and am in some strange way slightly gratified by the spilling of my own blood. But then sometimes I want to do it for the sheer violence, to be able to take out my frustration and confusion and anger on something, to hack and destroy. Do you know what a sausage looks like when it has been overcooked and the skin spits, with the inside being peeled towards the outside, ripped and exposed? Sometimes I want to grab a blade and do that to myself.
And now I sound like a psychopath.
But truth be told, I could never do that anyway.
I could never strike in violence and without premeditation; a lot of the time I had to wait till the family were safely in bed before I could unleash my hurt, and as such, I planned everything. I would imagine where I would cut, and I would do it slowly, drawing out the pain, and then reworking it, going over it to make the cut deeper, the pain worse, the blood flow stronger. Of course, there were times where I would slash; some of the faint scars on my stomach are from that, but the brief sting of that was never enough for me.
The times of panic were most scary, I never thought I'd bleed to death, but I was scared that it would be bad enough that my parents would have to know, or that I would pass out, or something. And their finding out was what I dreaded most.
Things like this never really leave you, I think. They stay with you and resurface when you are not on guard. I don't want to give in but sometimes it's tempting. I can't explain the adrenalin rush it brings.
Satisfaction? Not so much. I would try to convince myself that it did something, but for me it grew to be less about the pain. I found the satisfaction in the blood pouring from me, flowing, sticky, staining; faster than I could mop it up. I loved that and I can't tell you why, but it made me feel better. It felt uncontrolled and somewhat wild, out of my hands. I found it fascinating, and it bore no room for other thought in my mind.
A distraction of the best kind.
The pain was part of it too, the pain that was better than feeling the hurt inside me, the harsh words or my own loneliness; that brewed and swelled and threatened to explode, but, vengefully, viciously, never did. This was my release.
There are approximately three reasons why self harm occurs, if you look at the research. They are true. To have a sense of control, as a cry for help, a way of expressing internal pain, and one other I forget. A cry for help and expressing internal pain are usually intertwined. I identify with all of these reasons.
The thing is, if you know others who self harm, it can become a competition; as to who can do the worst damage. When you see that another has done so much worse, you feel pressured because i seems like your pain is less than theirs, but it's as bad; this pain is so terrible. And so you feel like you need to go further, to prove this. It's largely subconscious, this; underlying.
And sometimes, inexplicably, I want back in.
Having my usual panic / freak out about anyone liking me as per usual. Not able to elaborate as yet. Later.
And also about the English Individual Study, which I don't think I'm capable of doing so well.
Really tense and panicked and scared and blah
And I'm really angry at a certain friend because what she's saying is bullshit. Although you are just in a pissy mood in general right now anyway. >.<
/drives tent peg through temple
but, not really. coz that would be painful and all, and I'm not that strong, even if I had a hammer, and oh God. My temples hurt enough anyway. I can't sleep anymore without music. So anyway
/drives tent peg through temple
Monday, February 23, 2009
Braja posted this on her blog.
"Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
I'm doing something stupid. We all know that. But it's not as bad as you think, if you must know my stance on the matter. When I wrote that a certain guy from school didn't matter because I liked Italics boy [read: him, --> thus Italics boy] I was trying to convince myself. Also because Italics boy was reading my blog at that point, and I didn't want to admit just how much I was attracted to the other guy. And I did like him, a little bit. But shhh.
Now, I really like him. Both of them... [Sorry, this is so long]
I hate being a teenager.
And uh, P.S. I hooked up with both of them.
On the same day.
I know I'm kinda with Italics Boy. But what does that even mean? Admittedly, it took extreme tiredness, prompting from a best friend, and a couple shots of Midori for me to hook up with the other one. Who is a much better kisser, by the way.
I am very confused,
but secretly, I think I'm going to end up choosing the boy from school.
Italics Boy has this going for him:
- We have the same family / religious background with the same type of parents in regards to rules, etc.
- He can bear my paranoia really well, so far.
- He's reaaally nice
The cons being:
- I can rarely see him outside of church, with church being a place where I can talk to him for approximately 10 minutes once a week. Not even kidding, since I have other friends / acquaintances to speak to; and since I am now playing flute as part of the music team, that time has been further reduced.
- He gets really annoying sometimes
- He jokes about things I really don't feel comfortable with, such as the idea of me being pregnant...
- He always has so much homework, that we can barely talk. We can't talk on the phone because someone on his family would listen in, having three home phones; and we're not allowed to make calls to mobiles; also both of us are consistently short on [read: completely out of] mobile credit.
Yeah that's it.
He is really nice and stuff. But as for the other guy, who just by the way, seems to at least like me for more than my body. Which, Italics Boy also does, but it feels like it's more about that half the time. Of course, it is nice being told that you're hot. For like, the first three times. Then, it irritates the crap out of me... and makes me angry. But angry in a way where I won't actually say that I am, and then conversation on my side just becomes snappy and the other person is left wondering what the hell happened... Coz I'm like that.
Okay, other guy.
- He's kinda old school gentleman like. It's cute. Somewhat disconcerting, but then, I do have this expectation that every guy I end up with is using me or something... Even with Jimit, although we were kinda using each other... And then ended up liking each other. Goddamnit I want a conventional love story. The fairy tale kind... Not that I want to fall in love, yet. /runs for the hills.
- He is also really nice.
Better kisser which doesn't count. Honestly. It's just a fact.
- I can see him all the time.
- Lynley (best friend) approves
- He doesn't care if I kiss [or get incredibly close with, since we are "lesbian buddies". But not really...] Lynley. Just on the lips, since her boyfriend only lets her make out with other girls if he's present. Not that I'm keen or anything... Okay, I am. I'm still perfectly straight.
That seems to be a rule a lot of boyfriends seem to have haha. And is why I should have taken the chance at her birthday party on Saturday where I hooked up with this guy for the first time. Although, Italics Boy definitely wouldn't mind either.
- He sends me cute text messages.
- He's too cute; for those of you who don't know I get scared off easily. Walking me to my lessons, putting away my books for me, etc. Weird. Cute, but freaky. And yeah, all the sweet stuff. Besides, he likes me a lot; "either way i'm not going down without a fight (: not literally but you get the idea lol (:". He has the advantage of knowing the situation with Italics Boy as well; Italics Boy being in the dark about this development; but he hasn't tried to make me choose him, although as he says, he is "obviously biased".
- That's about it, really. Oh and he tries to kiss me with other people around. Which I'm not comfortable with; but he doesn't do it much; I just care too much about what other people think, etc. And it's just awkward for others.
What I'm really pissed off about is the fact that my friends decided to have what was practically an "intervention", How I Met Your Mother style -
[it's within the last 5 minutes]
Okay, I hear that wasn't quite the plan, but when another three people came out to join the original one who wanted to talk to me, it became an intervention, a la the fabulous show. Without the banner and letters. I'm rather irritated since one of these people isn't someone I even consider to really be a friend of mine anymore; we are more friends of friends because, face it, we drifted poles apart nearly a year ago.
Of course, you could say I'm technically cheating on Italics Boy, that's what I said to this boy from school (who really needs a name) in between kissing him against the wall at Lynley's; but that is technically, since we aren't actually going out. And I have not being going through lots of guys lately. I agree, it would be better if I was the one getting hurt; but, shit. Jimit doesn't count because we were together October last year, at the latest. Cameron was not someone I was ever with. I just wanted to be friends with him, and I had no idea how to respond when he held my hand, put his arm around me, and kissed my forehead. I'm awkward like that. [And holy shit speak of the devil he just came on MSN.] The plan with him is, when I get credit, explain to him that I'm sorry, but I think I gave him the wrong idea, and I really just want to be friends.
Then there was Italics Boy and this guy, almost immediately after each other.
And I tried really hard to not like the boy from school. I kept mentioning Italics Boy, as one of my tactics. Apparently, though, he knew that's why I was doing it, because my feelings were in my eyes. Like I'm not obvious enough otherwise anyway. I tried to just think of him as a friend. But that didn't work so well. I wish he didn't actually like me in return, that he just wanted a hook up that night. But life is never that simple. Although that wouldn't be so simple either.
And thanks for telling him what you told me as well; he already knows the position both he and I are in (No sexual innuendo jokes please!), we have talked about it, and he is willing to wait for me to make my decision, and not try to rush me into it. Either way, he wants us to be friends, although both of us would find that really hard. He doesn't need you telling him what he already knows. By the way, you can tell me what you want, that is your right. Not to tell him your opinion.
I hate this situation in which I find myself (I only just found out today that it is technically incorrect grammar to end a sentence with a preposition, although, yes, I did do this in the previous paragraph). For the last week, I have been wishing that I had met the boy from school just two weeks earlier. Which indicates something about which I might choose... But I am not deciding anything for sure yet! I need a little bit more time.
I did not try to engender this; I didn't ask for it; and I can never help who I like! I'd tried to stop myself liking the ex best friend, I'd tried to stop liking David; either way, I have no control over it. I know, I don't have to follow through on my feelings, but when they are reciprocated... and when I have such terrible self control...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
is our official National Day of Mourning for those killed in the Victorian bushfires.
I have no words to express how I feel about those who have been affected by this. Even for those who have lost their homes and other belongings, that is a tragedy; but the truly unspeakable horror is when it comes to the deaths; the people who have lost their loved ones. Homes can be rebuilt, but people are irreplaceable... I don't even know how to explain my reaction, but my feelings about it are a mere shadow of what the directly affected must feel....
I 'll just leave it here.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Remember the other day, how I said that I was feeling "glum"? Well, said glumness has returned with a vengeance. I haven't felt this low in a long, long time. It scares me to think that once, I felt this everyday, and worse. Those were terrible times, times when I didn't think I could keep going, but deep within knew that although I didn't know what they were, there were reasons not to give up.
This is bad enough.
I'm pretty sure it's the lack of sleep that is causing me to be so mopey/ weepy/ depressed(i hate using that word)/ whatever it is.
But even as I grow ever more easily upset with him as I talk to him, for no reason; I'll still keep it up just so we can share those pieces of conversation.
He can never get on till about 1 in the morning. I'm exhausted and trust me, I am running on coffee. Not that I'm running, good God, no. I am puttering along, with brief spurts of high energy and average moments; couple with an hour or so of utter exhaustion each day. This can't go on much longer. I'm not adjusting to such little sleep as I usually do after a period of a week. It's been two weeks, or so I believe.
Damnit, if I had known the boy from school two weeks earlier, things with him would never have started. And I've realised, although I'm handling this better than with other prior situations with boys, I'm still freaked out about ruining things with him. He was someone I'd always kinda wanted to end up in a longer term, proper relationship with, when I was ready. Because he was someone decent, unlike the others who I was just with, for the sake of it, I guess. Which is why I'd rather date the boy from school now, if he had liked me. Even though, like I told my sister yesterday, I don't want to be with anyone but him. And I'm scared that this, whatever it is between us now, will go wrong and ruin any possibilities. I don't know what I'm saying.
I need sleep. But I'm waiting for him to come online.
This is hard(NO "that's what she said" jokes please, yes, CarCrashHearts, I am looking at you). God is at more of a forefront in my life now than almost any other point previously. But it's no easier than before. I am so confused. What am I doing wrong? What am I not getting?
It seems like I'm missing something.
I want this.
So what is it that is getting lost in translation?
If I could, I would tear down the walls that exist between my best friends and I. I would let nothing come between us ever again, for nothing ever should. These walls that now exist are more painful than any other form of loss, for we are still in proximity to each other, still in the same circles, but separated by something more powerful and terrible than space and time; too much hurt and loss of trust, but not yet a loss of love.
Last night I wrote some story at my other blog. Check it out and tell me your thoughts? Because I did write it in my extrememly sleep deprived state of my mind and I don't even know if it's good or makes sense; plus I need a title...
If you have the time and wish to, I'd really appreciate it (:
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I'm currently consuming water and milk at an alarming rate... Not as we speak. Although I am drinking Milo and wishing I had left it in its pure, unadulterated form, that of pre-Milo (although come to think of it, I always put Milo in the mug before the milk... shush!). But I'm definitely not drinking water at the same time.
I don't know if you are aware, but I love juice, of the orange variety in particular. My other love is iced coffee. Chocolate milk also makes it on the list, but only when I have the craving for it. Strawberry or Banana flavoured milk? Nuh uh. I'd rather
stab myself in the throat. throw up. Which is something likely to happen if I drink it anyway... Not quite.
Anyway, I have long wished that one could survive by consuming only liquid substances. Think, juice, milk, Up and Go, iced coffee,
alcohol ;D; all the very best things are liquid. Who needs food? Call me lazy but I much prefer to drink than eat. It just is simpler. Fun fact: I much prefer to drink through straws.
Although once, my mum bought this heavenly frûche that made me want to live solely off it... /swoons
Anyway. When I was younger, and I don't mean when I was a baby being breast-fed, although I suppose that would apply also; I used to love drinking milk. I'd have a glass everyday before bed, as well as with cereal at breakfast, when, you know, I used to eat breakfast...
I was about five and I loved milk. However, I had abandoned this, one of my first loves, over the years. But, oh baby, it's back. ;D
I just can't keep myself away. My evenings are spent devouring this lovely thing, and I simply have to go back for more. You can tear me away but in a few minutes, know that I will return. I thirst for it with a desire that cannot be quenched. ^_^
Okay, let's stop with the creepy milk loving that is probably disturbing you even more than it is me...
I think you understand. I really like (to drink) milk. It's just, good. Wholesome. Creamy. And since I am apparently fussy as to what I eat, in this hot weather with nothing much else to cool me down, what else shall I turn to? Fun Fact Two: I don't really like ice cream. Or chocolate, just by the way.
I've been drinking a lot of water lately too, litres and litres each day. Literally up to or even over five at some points.
Not to replace food... But I just like to, for the sake of it, whatever other reasons I may have.
You'd think my mum would be pleased; at least I've developed some healthy habits... Wrong. "It's no use, you're not exercising and eating healthily. Look at how much weight you are putting on..." and yada yada here we go again. Well fuck you, I will keep you thinking that you're not getting through, whatever I have to do. I'm more stubborn than you'll ever know.
P.S. For those of you uneducated and deprived, this is the only iced coffee that counts for anything.
Feast your eyes and feel the the thirst burning at the base of your throat... This is desire as you have never felt it before.
The best thing ever produced by South Australia
It's "heaps good".
Best ad for Iced Coffee ever. Here is a link if you don't understand the references...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Oh god. I am kinda attracted to this guy I have become friends with at school... I'm definitely ignoring it, but I'm very irritated at myself. He seems like a good friend, so that's what we'll stay. At least, that's the plan.
Nah, it definitely will.
Because he's still not him. (:
I just, don't really know how to have male friends who are just that. I have a very few, but those are ones I don't see very much... Or at least we have been through a stage of being more and are now perfectly comfortable in just being friends, for instance, Jimit, which was great since we always wanted the same thing at the same time. I don't know...
It isn't really an issue, I guess, but I don't like that I am even attracted to him, at this point... =/
Not that I actually like him.
But, it's okay. Because he is, despite being highly irritating at some times, great, and I actually believe that he does like me... and he makes me happy. For now, at least lol. But like, if I don't get scared and run, I think this could actually go really well... I don't think I will hide. (: (: (:
I want to hit you. If I saw you right now, I'd want to hug you instead, although I can't do the first without being near you in person either. I'm hoping you just don't understand how serious I am about this, and not that you're just disregarding it, coz that would kinda suck... I don't like my feelings being ignored. Particularly strong feelings.
See, this is why conversations in person are so much better.
This is exactly how I'd get angry at the ex best friend, it feels the same, although I don't remember what kind of things it was with him that made me this angry.
It's less angry than highly frustrated at your lack of sensitivity, and also because it's partly my fault... It is. I think. Unless you realise that I really really do mean it and then you're just a douche and I'm mad at you.
Oh god I'm such a woman.
I'm so moody.
Bedtime for the cranky child.
Yes, I did switch back to "Toivoa", I'm a little attached now and besides, I've had the encouragement from a couple of my blogging friends to do so, since they also like it. It may change again at a later date, but for now, I remain Toivoa.
I wish I had the power to make everyone happy. But more than that, I wish I could make things right for everyone. As I've come to realise, being happy doesn't mean that what is causing this is right, and, in the long term, can cause more damage than good. More often than not, what is right is painful, and hard, and sometimes we do not see the reward even in this life. But it should be done because it is right. You may say that I see the world in black and white, but I do see the many shades of grey. However, on some things, there are only two options. I do not believe that truth is relative. If we say that Santa is real, if we believe that Santa is real, that does not change the fact that he is real. In the times of believing the earth was flat, it was still round. If we believed that we should give way to our left rather than our right here in Australia, the road rules remain the same and we would be screwed... If we believe we should kill someone for such and such a reason, that does not mean we are right, no matter how it is justified in our minds (and I hope none of my readers believe they should kill anyone, that's a little bit disturbing...) Yeah, I don't understand where I come up with half of my examples either.
Anyway, I believe you can see the point I am trying to make.
What makes this so much more confusing is how right and wrong are often mixed in together. In the bible study I am dragged along to on Sundays by my parents (please note the use of the word "dragged", this is not of my choosing by any stretch of the imagination), we have just looked at how Satan does this. I brought this point up actually. (Ironically, I'd be a great Christian if we based such things on biblical knowledge in regards to age; I'm pretty well informed, for my age. I also have been memorising verses of Scripture literally since the time I could speak sentences. But we'll see.) What is done, though, time and time again, is a lie wrapped in with the truth, or a shred of truth woven through a lie. Of course, ultimately, this whole thing is untrue, but what is so horribly devious about this is how we can see the truth there...
I had learnt this myself, that in lying to my parents, if it was to be as believable as possible, I should make it as truthful I could. For instance, if I was going to hang out just with a guy, I'd say that I was going with them, but also with at least one other girl or a few more people.
That's why knowing what the right thing is, in so many cases, so hard to figure out. Life isn't black and white, it's full of different shades, and we haven't even mentioned the colours!
One thing I struggle with majorly is the verse in Scripture that states that "the heart of man is deceitful above all things". To say that we are liars at the core of our beings is something I am not reconciled with. I always search for the good in people, that is why, even in the majority of terrible people, I find a justification of their actions, however slight; at least understanding the reasons why they have done such a thing, what may have pushed them to do so. I take away the blame from them even just a little, because I believe that there is good in everyone, because I am highly sympathetic. But is that really true? I'm not sure. (Look, I'm a teenager. And I'm admitting to not being sure about something... I must be learning to temper my pride... Hah oh GOD I need some more coffee. Or sleep.)
Believing the best of everyone isn't a good thing. It can lead to being easily deceived. Gullible, as some would say. I am very gullible. I forgive countless times; and David springs to mind here. Liar liar liar screams an inner voice nearly every time I talk to him these days, but there are numerous times beforehand when I have ignored that voice and trusted him once more.
I believe that forgiveness is very important, but it doesn't mean that one must trust the person again, for that can be foolish. [I should take my own words on board here.]
I am more cynical than I once was, but I do still take people at face value, I do trust people too easily. It is the opposite of mistrusting everyone, but it is not the better of the two, a balance is needed. While I hate the sound of the word "prudence", in itself is something I need to gain. This will only come with time and experience, I think...
Anyway, I have a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her, more than once, with his ex girlfriend. Not just a hook up, but they slept together, several times, behind her back. He also had considered suicide and faced depression blah, all that jazz, and I had discussed these with him a couple of times while said friend was favourably disposed towards him, aka when they were still a couple. Even when she hated him, and rightly so, I still kinda felt sorry for him... Please don't hurt me, you, his thankfully ex-girlfriend! See, I sympathise with people too easily...
I just wish I could help every person who is upset, I hate to see people upset, and I hate to be helpless and unable to make them feel better, at the least. I would give anything to be able to do this for people...
[Yeah that ^^^ was pretty much the original point of this post but it's kinda flat, I had someone distracting me and I was trying not to cry... I'm sensitive to being guilt tripped, like I said recently, even if it's as a joke, and I'm actually really upset at the moment lol. Don't ask.]
Yeah anyway, you know that coffee I mentioned? Considering my last was an hour ago, I really need to take myself up on that suggestion. Face it. Admit it or not, you love my early morning ramblings in which I try to sound mature and pass off my sixteen years of experience as tried and tested and set in stone realisations about life, managing only to show that sleep helps to bring down the random tangents and possibly even lend structure to my writing, which is why I should possibly indulge in a little more of it...
Or perhaps I should just stop here.
Monday, February 16, 2009
My mum keeps calling me a slut.
She means, uh, the word slips my mind, whatever you call someone who is scantily clad...
[sarcasm]OMG I'm wearing shorts that are too short by your standards and tank top [OH NO3Z, SHOULDERS?!?!?] where, God forbid, a small amount of my cleavage is visible, WHILE I AM SITTING ON THE LOUNGE AT HOME WHERE THERE IS NO ONE TO EVEN SEE ME.
Major disagreements between the parentals and myself are about how I dress half the time.
Oh and when I wear eyeliner, I look "like a witch" or like I'm in some cult, or something along those lines...
I feel very flat at the moment. Yesterday, he kissed me, in the toy section of Myer (random, I know lol. I also happened to not realise and moved, thus making it slightly awkward, as I tend to do... It's only the second time I've done this, and the first was far more awkward! This was still cute lol), and then later, again. I did not expect that, considering how long it took for him to hold my hand (lol). I'm not keen on kissing in public, and I hate those kissing photos so many people have... for a start, it was obviously posed because you're holding the goddamn camera! Does everyone really want to see your faces mushed against each other everytime your profile comes up on MySpazz or Failbook? Is it necessary? Really?
I also do have one of those pictures with Jimit (I'll explain him later), but it was his idea (I'm terrible at saying no to a lot of things, which is how) and I hid my copy of it never to look at again as soon as I got home...
If you want them, that's fine, but as a default pic? Please.
I'm also really not one to make first moves, so that's a definite plus. And I like him a lot. In a more permanent way than usual. Like Jimit, who would be the closest thing to a boyfriend I've had (we've come to an agreement that we will say we actually did go out because we pretty much did unofficially and secretly. Which means I have cheated on a boyfriend, and I felt bad enough about it at the time.), but slower, somehow. Better. Because after my drunken mistake, I'm feeling pretty fragile, like I've said. One guess as to what happened! =/ I'll blog about it soon, I promise...
But anyway, being happy with me only tends to last for a certain amount of a time, and then I grow drained from it. Of course, I am also sleep deprived. I fell asleep today at school in English Studies, as did three of my friends, and then, upon arrival in Biology, walked straight into a door... Lols all around.
I have had a lot of late nights lately, what with MSN and phone calls with him, but last night was an early one. Obviously it's catching up about now.
So, right now, nearly any little thing that goes wrong is making me feel upset, even though I am trying to fight it. I'm slightly, vaguely happy that I am actually trying to fight this instead of just letting it take over like I usually do; that's different. Definitely positive.
His MSN / computer keeps cutting out and he keeps going offline while I'm talking to him; he has no webcam because his dad has taken their family laptop with the inbuilt webcam on a daytrip to Sydney, so I can't see him when I am talking to him; he has a lot of homework and I feel like I am distracting him by talking to him but I still want to... my two friends are kinda mad at me since I broke my rule and ditched them in town yesterday to hang out with him (friends before guys, I forget the official saying lol, the female version of "bros before hoes") and I do feel really bad about it... but not really... Which is what I feel worse about. My sister is listening to Jimmy Eat World, who, while I love their music, always make me sad. And to top it off, having asked him to not read my blog, I feel really bad since he obviously wants to, but I would be way too embarassed to write about him in that instance. He keeps asking why he can't, which is making it slightly worse...
I'm altogether rather glum about such little things all put together, and my arms are covered in black permanent marker with Fall Out Gay (concert tomorrow, my friends are delirious with excitement, and rather unintelligible) lyrics, and the word "douche" repeatedly. Just to confirm this, it is also stated that I am the douche; and then I have a couple more pen drawings of what turned out to be an "alien nanny" with an "apron that looks like a penis", and a "tranny mom"... My hip and ankle have also been similarly adorned. While the artwork delights me and I wish I could leave it inked onto my skin forever, my mother has already chucked a spazz at the amount of writing on my arms. Forget about "writing love on her arms", writing douche on her arms is the way to go! [/sarcasm]
Just a small portion of my Sharpie graffiti
For those of you who aren't aware, "douche", at least here in the highly cultivated Adelaide, is the new "loser"/"retard"/etc.
Just as an aside, doesn't the term "fucktard" make you think of custard tarts, or is that just me? And yes, I raise my eyebrows and look down on anyone who actually uses it...
Blogging has cheered me up somewhat, I must confess, but I'm still stuck in a moment of paranoia that as I reveal more of myself to him and he realises that I am even less of "a good good two shoes" as I apparently appear to be in church (which is great, for then I have achieved my aim ;D it's rather awkward to socialise sometimes with my parents and sister around. Although really, it's just another, nicer side of me.), that he will stop liking me, and realise I'm not what he wants at all. I think he sounded slightly dstanced when I was talking to him on MSN just before, but it's MSN for God's sake, and he does have homework he's doing. I always read into things what isn't there, but what if it actually was..?
I'm definitely taking a chance here in actually letting myself really like him... I'm scared it will go wrong.
"I could never be the one that you want, don't ask."
How are you today my blogging friends? (:
Click for more.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The other day, the ex best friend waved to me in the school library. I'm still undecided as to whether it was that which made my day or my conversation with this boy... I feel bad coz I know the ex best friend will be brought into this randomly all the time; I managed to relate him to most topics in conversation, still (even if I keep some of this to myself now), and I don't want whatshisface to feel like he's being compared to him... Although that may be kinda what I'm doing.
I always half dreaded the idea of the ex best friend getting a girlfriend while I was his best friend, on the few occasions it crossed my mind, because I knew I would be far too possessive of him to like his girlfriend. She would take him away from me, even just for a bit. And he was pretty much all mine. He didn't have very many other friends and I saw him the most. I loved it. But, what I was thinking, worrying about a potential girlfriend taking him away from me for a little while? I did that all by myself, and for a lot longer...
I liked having such an exclusive friendship. He was very important to me... And although it's completely different (or at least, should be), Rhys [blog name for him soon hopefully] is going to have to have comparisons made between him and the ex best friend for a long time. I don't mean to do it. But I do it with everything and everyone. I can find a connection to practically anything and him. But I'm getting better.
Even with Rhys, I still want that friendship back between me and the ex best friend, and as strong as it once was...
Don't even get me started on how much I miss the other two as well. We all know I miss him more intensely than the other two, but I could cope without him better than I can cope without them.
It's strange to realise that I'm only two years older than fourteen... I think of fourteen year olds as being so young, but remembering when I was that old, I was struggling with self harm and things were still the same as what I face now... While fourteen seems such a young age, interacting with those I know to be fourteen shows me that I simply am getting confused with the mindset of more a 11 or 12 year old. Time is strange, it lends confusion to the past, and distorts memories, something I don't like... I want to hold on to the memories, be able to remember things exactly. The past is important to me, and while I don't want to be stuck in it, I don't want to let it go either...
Saturday, February 14, 2009
So, spoons. Not the game, nor any other thing. The piece of cutlery. Yes, I am blogging about cutlery.
The Dessert Spoon
The Soup Spoon
We all know I'm a bit strange, but here are a couple of my quirks when it comes to eating...
Firstly, there are very few people I feel comfortable eating in front of. I know others wouldn't even think about it, but I hate people seeing me eat. If I do have to eat around people, I try to hide my face a little, as subtly as possible; or with some I will actually move to somewhere where they can't see me in order to eat.
Secondly, I eat breakfast cereal in the evenings more often than in the morning; I am one of those people who skip breakfast. But, whenever I do eat cereal, I will eat it with milk in a mug. I developed this habit when I was twelve and it's not that I couldn't break it; it just amuses me to be able to tell people this. And I do prefer it to a bowl.
Thirdly, in the battle of dessert spoon versus soup spoon (and yes, I did have to look them up to find out which exactly they were), I will, unless completely unavoidable, choose to eat with a soup spoon. I just think they are nicer. (: This has only begun over the last year, but I have come to appreciate the even roundness of the humble soup spoon's "small, shallow bowl (I quote from the omniscience of Wikipedia!)" as being far more civilised than that of the rather more uncouth odd shaped dessert spoon...
And I tell Shazz I'm not OCD... lol.
Soup spoons own. I hate that I use the terms "own", "devo", and "chill"... lol
P.S. He asked me if I could write about him on my blog haha.
No, I will not write about him at all! [/sarcasm]
I need to give him a name for my blog, suggestions guys?
All I can say is, if we keep talking to each other this much and I don't get bored with it, that's definitely a good thing.
I tend to get "addicted" to people for a short period of time, I'll talk to them near constantly or spend time with them near constantly, and after a while, get sick of them / run out of things to talk about...
So far, so good. But sometimes it can last for almost a month before I get over the person. Except this is different, I think. I already trust him, for a change. (:
Wish this luck ;D
In other news, I've realised that I really am a major flirt... I've been told that several times before, but I'm only just began to notice when I actually do it. I never meant it to be flirting but now I understand how it could be construed as that, and sometimes I even mean to do so. Oops. ;P
Friday, February 13, 2009
I've found someone with whom the thought of being in a relationship with doesn't scare me to the point of wanting to hide. Which is pretty big for me. The only reason I'm scared of being with him is that I really, really wouldn't wanna screw it up.
So, I've known him for almost three years now, through church. And I've always known I would like him some time or other, eventually. I could see it coming, and so, apparently, could one of my friends, who has been taking great delight over the last few days in using the phrase "I told you so". She always finds glee as her couple predictions come true, but it's too funny to ever be irritating ;P
So, the boy. He happens to have the url of my blog, so it may be a little awkward if he reads this, but I think it was a passing thing and he won't be back regularly... The more people who I know in real life that read my blog, the more restrictions are added to what I am able to write about, which is somewhat frustrating at times...
Anyway. He is only a couple of months older than me, and if you're wondering, he's not the Cameron of my last few posts. We've been friends for most of the time we've known each other, but not very close, although at stages we've talked more than others.
I found out recently that he likes me, has for a while, at least, and since I fully reciprocate the feeling, I'm pretty happy. Since I tend to mess things up with guys, I really hope this goes well. He also seems to be the most genuine and actually nice guy that I've ever fallen for and had a chance with... Still so surprised to know that he likes me.
He's cute, complimentary; and really, really nice and I know he won't screw me over, for once. And I actually like him and not in the way where I'll get over him really quickly, like I do, a lot.
I'm not sure what will happen and really, I'm slightly too tired and have a headache from sleep deprivation that I can only barely just concentrate on my conversation with him ;P Of course, he's been the reason for the prior sleep deprivation too ;P
P.S. He's really cute, even when he's being intensely irritating... >;D
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
For the record, I am not keen on the song with those ^^^ lyrics, although I am a great fan of old Panic! at the Disco, that is, when they still had the "!" in their name.
Anyway, it isn't really afternoon anymore, but it's still sunny outside. From here, looking out through the window at the gloriously blue sky with great clouds and bright sunlight, one could easily think it was a perfect summer's day. Well, it's not. From our crazy heatwave, we are now in the cold mid 20's... Which are strangely colder than usual, which I think is just because of how windy it's been. One of the many upsides is that I can drink hot coffee far faster than during the 40+ days. Then there's how I can wear jeans again (I love jeans, I love to wear them, I love to even sleep in them... I'm not really a trackies kind of person and I take it to the extreme >;D), even though shorts was good, but to school and with my scars on my leg that are fairly obviously self-inflicted if you notice them... simply, the cooler weather is great. I love it. I'm a winter girl. (:
But the point is, it's still bright enough that it could easily be the late afternoon. I just had a shower so I could wash my hair, since I've been meaning to the last two days and keep forgetting till I'm about to go to bed, whereupon my parents threaten to shoot me if I have a shower at such a time.
Okay, they don't threaten to shoot me, but they grow sufficiently irate, and that's not that much of a leap for my mind, alright?
I am a person who prefers showers at night, but takes them in the morning, before school, etc. See, if I went to always take them at night, I'd get distracted by other things I want to do, and delay and delay until it's too late, like the past two nights. So I shower in the morning, before getting dressed, and then a few extra times during the week in the evening so I can wash my hair, apart from on Saturdays, where I can just wash it in the morning. See, I don't get up early enough to wash, dry, and probably straighten my hair in the mornings before school.
Anyway, so I decided I better do it now, while it's still bright. I don't know about you, but having a shower during the day is something I find really odd.
It's just... strange. To have such a bright light while having a shower... I dunno. Random haha. But to me, it's as weird as there being a time like "9" in the afternoon ^_^
A 2AM drunken phone call to someone who works as a "youth pastor" at a church is not a good idea. I don't think I need to explain why.
Not that the majority of phone calls made while inebriated are good, but even so. This is slightly worse.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Oh I'm so smart ;)
My Blogger name is now Autumn.
As to how I reached that, when winter is my favourite season... >;D
I'm sure I've mentioned it, I'm the most uncoordinated child ever. One of my favourite lines in the long-awaited TMNT movie is when the character called Mr Winters is obliterated and is falling through the air as dust, or perhaps an earlier scene when he is knocked out in a fight. Anyway, someone says something about him, using his name. One of the turtles (I forget which, I'm terrible, I know), then says, "looks more like Fall". While this is one of the lamest "dad" jokes I have ever heard, it was startlingly hilarious and I was highly amused. Now, fall is also another name for autumn, and since I fall over a lot, I thought it was apt, but I'd be about as cryptic as I get and go the one step further to "Autumn" which is occasionally used as a girl's name. Yeah, as you can tell, I'm not all that cryptic haha.
Yes, I know. I'm lame. >;D
I have pictures of me in the last post o.O yeah take a look haha, I'll take them down probs, shortly.
I think I'm becoming slightly like one of those people who I never wanted to be but was scared I would become...
You know, the kind who would sleep around because it's what random guys would want, and it would make them feel loved and needed for at least a short amount of time?
Except I have a lot more self respect.
I'm asking you, if I do become one of them, virtual-slap me and make me stop. I don't want to be like that.
In other news, I have just learned some rather disturbing information here. Check it out. It's important that you know this. ;P No, really.
We had school photos yesterday. It wasn't quite as fun as I said over here, but where's the fun in writing that? And I did really use that much hairspray... My hair was immovable... which disturbs me a little. But, if truth be told, I have some strange fascination with using spray cans... >;D
I was about to rename my blog "Through the Looking Glass", or "Through my Looking Glass", but the latter could be taken by some as sexual innuendo... yes, it could. Which is not something I'm really keen for haha.
I'm very distracted and all my thoughts are over the place at the moment, so I may produce something actually worth reading later. For now, I aim to revamp my blog (:
P.S. here are some pictures of me, when I decide to pose, wear eye make up, and give myself big hair aha. It's for another blog kay? ;P I'd actually be way too embarrassed to post them on MySpazz or Failbook at all... AND with the last picture, even as big as it gets, you can't really make out my scars on my forearm, it just looks a bit fuzzy. C:
Yes, a typical MySpazz shot
That's all ;)
[update on the Cameron situation] OOPS OOPS OOPS (I did it again). Cameron just texted me asking if I wanted to go to the movies with him on Saturday. That wouldn't be sooo bad. Until. You realise. That Saturday just so happens to be Valentine's Day. MAJOR OH N03S... I am otherwise occupied, I'm having a Star Wars / anime movie marathon during the day with my friend Nick. We are just friends and would never be anything more. Trust me. So I told him I was hanging out with a friend all day. He replied as I am writing this to ask if I am free for movies any other day. Considering I was caught not being with who I said I was with the other day and my parents are strict on who I go out with (no going out just one on one with a boy haha), I'm not too keen to repeat that anytime soon. Which I told him. He knows it's Valentine's Day, it's not just coincidence, because he wrote back to that saying "Okay have a good V day on Saturday". AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. No. How do I get myself into these situations? Okay, okay, I know how. I explained it in the post before last.
BUT OOPS. I feel so bad. Why? I just want to be friends with him. Friends. And not hook up friends either. Just friends. Help lol.
Monday, February 9, 2009
So I was added by Cameron on MSN. Cameron being the guy I went to the movies with, yes? I'm pretty sure it was him because afterward he asked me for my MSN address, which I gave him... Now only one person has added me since. Ergo, it is most likely to be him.
I'M REALLY HOPING IT'S NOT.
Because, when one receives a friend request on MSN, it comes up with their current MSN name displayed as well as their email address. The name for this particular email address was something along the lines of "I'VE FOUND THE PERFECT GIRL" or something. Now if that can't make me cringe, nothing can.
Please let it not be about me by Cameron
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I want you to look at me, and listen to me
And I want you to know me, I want you to want to know me!
I want you to stop, and tell me that I matter, and that I'm worth your time
I still matter, right?
And you want to know me for who I am, not for what I will give you, right? Tell me that's so, please.
[And it's not about that you just like how I look, or because I'll do whatever, or because you just want someone..? Even if we barely know each other...]
I'm sorry but I have one last request.
Can you please at least sound like you mean it?
This is to all of you, except the part in square brackets
Saturday, February 7, 2009
losing my self esteem."
I have been giving myself away too cheaply, too easily. Of course, this makes me sounds like a slut realising that she could make more money out of it as a whore, but that is not exactly what I am referring to...
I'm so sick of violence. So sick of fighting, and pain. Sick of bad decisions on my part that leave me feeling hollow, empty. I'm sick of realisng afterward just how much I'm going to regret my choices and actions. Of how I keep trying to deaden the feelings and how the emptiness is fed by it.
A remotely violent movie has me upset and on the verge of crying. I feel so fragile these days, with flashes of memory leaving me regretful.
I also want to avoid most of my male friends since it seems that I cannot have a relationship with a guy that will stay a mere friendship... It always tends to become at least slightly more. The only friend I can say that hasn't happened with, who is single, is Nick; and of course Greg during the few months he was single, but since I truly consider him to be my brother, that's just not even plausible. I want to have a simple friendship with a guy, like I had with the ex best friend. Even though we did hook up but that wasn't anything. Well, it kinda was. But it was irrelevant to our friendship. It is also very highly irritating to have one's boobs named... by a friend from church, something I find a little odd.
Then, on Friday I went to the movies with a guy who I met at that community service week but only talked to on the last day, he was nice; but then, he kissed me. WHY? I'm not that attractive (I'm being perfectly honest, I was studying my face completely objectively on webcam to a friend the other night... >;D) and okay I'd say my personality's pretty decent, or at least, seems so at first ;P but, really, are you just desperate???
Okay, I may not have discouraged him when he went to hold my hand and then put his arm around me, but what was I supposed to do? Just move away? Sure, that may have been an option, but that would have been so awkward afterwards; and really, I am terrible at reacting to anything of that kind...
I won't lie, I like attention from guys. But at the same time it makes me want to run away. I am not comfortable with it and I am terrified that they may actually even end up liking me... because then they might want a relationship. And I'm dead scared of being in a relationship. I don't think I'd be a very good girlfriend...
But at the same time I am rapidly getting tired of random hook ups and the like, the friends with benefits type thing...
And really, I'm not that hot. I like you saying that a couple of times. After that, it scares me. And triggers the flight instinct. Plus, you obviously aren't paying that much attention.
This wasn't meant to be a post about guys. haha
I've been thinking about God a lot lately. I'm sick of doing things my way and just making a mess of my life, and I want someone who knows better and wants what's best for me to take over; but I'm not sure quite what's stopping me. I don't think I'm quite ready. But I want to be. I really do, so much. I've got almost everything sorted out, but not the singular most important detail. I'm not worried about just following my parents' beliefs anymore, because I know that is definitely not relevant to my decision. I mean, it's obviously had an influence but what I decide is based on what I feel is real, and there's a lot of proof...
It's just still about making it personal. I don't know how to do that.
P.S. ACTUAL LOL - my sister just asked my mum, "Have you even got any in the last three years???" I'm absolutely certain I've taken that completely out of context, but I'm highly amused >;D
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"...just for the attention,
'Cause that's just ridiculous..."
For those of you who don't know, I saw a counsellor a few times after my overdose on painkillers. Maybe four, maybe five. And also for those of you who don't know, I was not trying to kill myself. But, I liked this counsellor. I felt guilty for having to see her, when it cost my parents so much. But they wanted me to get better. And I wanted to get better. And hopefully even fix things amongst our family somewhat. However, most of you will know, as well as I, that seeing a counsellor is not something you do just a couple of times. If you want a quick fix, it's better to go in for drugs, or hypnotherapy, or crazy altering-chemicals-in-your-body type stuff. If you want to see a counsellor and work through problems, it is a long term thing. It takes time, and patience. Four or five visits to a counsellor is just the start.
I'm not crazy and I'm not suicidal; I don't even necessarily have depression, but yes, I have seen a counsellor. And, it wasn't actually a waste of time. It was helpful. Not every counsellor will be helpful to you personally, and different people "click" better with others. But that's all rather irrelevant. I'm just trying to do my bit to beat down the stigma our society associates with counsellors etc. But more on that another time.
Sometimes, I don't feel up to taking that responsibility that seeing a counsellor engenders. It means having to actually take action, to stop relying on others. Because you have to put in effort.
And sometimes, I don't feel like I have that much within me. I don't think I can keep going. It feels too hard and I want to give up. When, like me, you are desperate to know that you are loved, you will sometimes go to shocking lengths to be assured of this. It didn't begin as this, but the ways in which I hurt myself physically ended up serving another cause, when those around me found out, seeing how they were upset told me that they cared. I already knew they cared about me. They expressed it enough. But for me, that wasn't quite enough.
When I say that my friends "found out", I mean, generally, that I would tell them. Or I would drop hints or not quite hide what I had done. I hated myself for it, for making them upset. It was yet another thing to prove I was a terrible person; that I would let them know. More ammunition to use against myself. I didn't want to be attention seeking, but honestly, that is what I was doing, in that aspect of my self harm, at least. I suppose you could say I was slightly manipulative as well. But I didn't have much control over it. Each time I determined that no one would know, and almost each time, I would let at least one person know. Sometimes not for weeks, months even. But I would eventually fold.
I don't suppose I could have hidden the guilt I felt for betraying them, which is what I did every time I self harmed, even if I had truly tried. I let myself give in and tell them because secretly, that was what a large part of me wanted. Even when I didn't realise it.
Anyway, it is this need to be assured of others' love for me that led me to being heavily reliant on them. I needed their reaction to my actions as motivation to stop self harming, I needed them to help distract me when I wanted to self harm but was trying not to. I used my friends as a crutch (no one please think of the other crutch! >.<) and let myself go on feeling sorry for myself. That's the truth.
Sometimes it feels too hopeless, too hard to go on. But I know I am stronger than I think. It is up to me to keep going, not to give in as I did when trying not to tell my friends about my self harm. Because if I had wanted, I could have not told them. And if I had truly wanted, I could have stopped myself from self harming, each time. But I was scared to take responsibility, because that meant that things could be my fault. I hate being wrong. It's not that I feel I am better than others, rather, that I want to please everyone, and if I make a mistake, I am letting others down. It's why I hate team sport so much, because I was always the one who would let everyone down (apart from in soccer, I love that game C:).
In those respects, I was (and still am, in other ways) a little child. I still sometimes want to be the vulnerable one who will be in a position where (hopefully) others will protect her, and she can know by this that they care, and she matters. But I am learning to tell myself just how ridiculous that is, and do some standing up for myself.
There are the times I feel so weak and I want to hand over my problems to someone else and tell them to fix them, but that is not possible, and if I'm honest, I know I can hold out, even if it won't be easy. It is up to me whether I stand firm or break.
With all of this, I sometimes wished I would just be given anti-depressants or something. Not that I'm saying they are the easy way out; sometimes they are necessary. But I'm not keen on drugs and things that alter the body's functions and I knew I could do it otherwise, although it would be harder, longer, and more frustrating. So I was glad to be seeing a counsellor. They do help, but only if you let them, if you take on board what they say and apply it. And I was ready for that. I was ready to move forward, no matter how hard it was. And sort out stuff that I hadn't been able to sort out in my own mind. We all know the saying about not seeing the wood for the trees. A distanced person could lend a valuable perspective and I wanted that.
I had thought about counselling long before, but I couldn't bring myself to ask my parents about it. That would involve first convincing them I had things I needed to work through, and then that it should be done professionally, etc. So I was, in a way, grateful at the chance my overdose gave me. I thought that even this stupid thing I had done could be the very thing that helped me. I had to have follow up counselling. I had to confront things, I couldn't avoid it, and I didn't even have to bring it up personally!
I hadn't seen my counsellor since before Christmas as she was going away on holidays, and said just to make an appointment when she got back, whenever. Well, she's been back for a long time. I wanted to see her again, but Mum didn't bring it up, and I was dead against bringing it up myself. I'm not good at broaching certain (most) remotely sensitive subjects with my parents, particularly my mother, and I really didn't want to do this. She had made it clear she thought I was better. That I only "caused all this trouble during school" and she thought that when school started again, "her and Dad would have to endure the nightmare again". "You've put us through hell... you've caused us so much heartache... you've caused your dad so much stress that with his high cholestrol he could have a heart attack... (or, rather more bluntly) you'll kill your father..." And so it goes. My mother is not the most... er, understanding or tactful soul... Yet, while I am an absolute sucker for guilt trips (I felt guilty for eating or attacking in any other way my friend in some Wii game we were playing at his house, even though it was part of what my character had to do in order to beat him - Super Smashed Bros Brawl, if you were wondering), I refuse to let my mum's work. Of course, some still slip in past my barriers.
I didn't exactly want to explain to my mother that no, not everything was alright, and no, it had a grand total of nothing to do with school vs. holidays, but it was an ongoing thing with many issues and this matter with my friends was only a very small part of it. I made half hearted attempts to counter her nightmare statements by saying "it's not anything to do with school", and her "you seem just fine now that it's the holidays" with "how would you know"s, but I would back out and run for the hills the moment she demanded what exactly I meant.
I finally asked her if she could make a counsellor's appointment, and she was very reluctant. I was a bit stunned as she asked me how many more times I could go see the counsellor. I know it's expensive but there is absolutely no point in going a few times, it is an ongoing process! She doesn't see anything really wrong with me, which also contributes to it, but I know that I need this. I can get by without it, but to truly fix things, it would be of great help. And I love the chance to have someone get to know so much about me; practically everything, and accept it. I've realised that it is something I long for, because it would be a true mark that I am worth it, that I am an okay person; valuable, and all that.
This was over two weeks ago, and I asked her yesterday if she had made an appointment because in the end she said something which sounded like a grudging acquiescence, and she told me that she hadn't.
I don't want to say this, I don't want to feel this; but I'm disappointed and it feels like a betrayal on my mother's part. She should want me to get better. I know it is just because she can't tell anything is wrong, if I was physically sick her and Dad would spend everything they had to help me become well; but this is different and it's not as simple or as obvious as physical illness. Not that I'd say I'm mentally unwell, but still.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
That Damn Expat kindly put together an interview for me (ages ago, sorry for just getting around to it). If I were you and hadn't already done so, I'd check out her blog ^_^
So anyway, here are the interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Interview begins here (:
1. I've only been reading your blog for a few days. Introduce yourself in five sentences or less.
I'm sixteen years old and I find myself wanting to please others even more than sometimes doing what I know is right, which leads to a lot of mistakes made on my part, but I am learning to (hopefully) be a better person. I believe in God but I am a little bit confused on more of the specifics, I don't want to buy into Christianity because of my parents, but I want my own, personal faith; and the whole beliefs thing does affect quite a large portion of my life. I am very open about my emotions and events in my life, and perhaps don't always know when to keep my mouth shut. I am a very contradictory person, and although I'll always apologise first, I do hate to admit I'm wrong. I also attach sentimental value to everything, meaning I find it very hard when it comes to getting rid of things; but I like the physicality it lends to memories. I'm never quite the same today as I was yesterday, but I'm sure there are some things about me that will never change.
2. You have had some problems that you openly blog about. What is the one thing you learned about yourself through this ordeal?
I have slowly been learning to stop basing my self value on others' opinions of me, and rely more on myself. I am listening less and less to that voice that tells me I am insignificant and merely a burden to others; and I have learned that hope is always there, although sometimes we can't see it. Life is worth living and I do not plan on giving that up anytime soon.
I have also learned that I am stronger than I thought; for those of you who haven't been reading my blog for very long, I used to self harm, which is a very technical term that doesn't, I feel, really encompass all the issues behind it. I had tried to stop a few times before, but it was only when I decided to stop because I deserved better and I knew that I was worth more, even when I didn't truly believe that; when I decided to stop for my own sake, that I could do it. And I truly knew I could do it. Although there have been times when I have almost given in, I have held out. I'm not saying that I have stopped for good, there may be a time when I do give in. But I know I have the strength to keep going, and everytime I fall, there will be a chance for me to get up and move on. I have, in the past, relied on others as my motivation to keep going, but I understand that that was a way of shirking responsibility; quite simply, I was being lazy.
I'm much happier with myself these days and I feel I can be a better friend because I think I'm a decent person.
I make a lot of mistakes and screw up a lot, but there is still hope, and that's what I will always cling to. (:
That was probably a bit over the top lol
3. Who is the one person/author that had the biggest influence on your writing?
I'm not entirely sure, since I was 6 I have absolutely loved reading and writing, up until the age of 12 I used to read near constantly, I'd read anything I could get my hands on. I'd go through over 50 books in less than a week, children and teenage fiction, but I started reading adult fiction at 13. I used to (and still do) adore Enid Blyton books, the adventures that happened at the lands atop the Faraway Tree and in the places the Wishing Chair would take Molly and Peter were some of my favourites, and her school stories are the reason I really wish I went to boarding school. As for my parents, they've always encouraged me to write, and my dad used to proof read my stories and suggest improvements, which was great (:
I can't really think of any one person who influenced my writing specifically, but along with Enid Blyton I devoured Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys novels on a regular basis,
4. If you could do anything you want after high school, what would it be?
I would love to work with To Write Love On Her Arms to be able to spread their message of hope and community in such an amazing way, they truly are life changing and have had a massive impact on my life and many others. But, I would really like to have a career where I can help people in whatever way is best. I am considering a University course in Nursing, or perhaps Occupational Therapy, although I need to look into that more.
I definitely want to go to Uni, but first I need to get through Year 12!
Other than education and career wise, I'm not really sure. Travelling would be nice but I would need the money first and I want someone really fun to do it with. Road trips are part of the plan but a major international trip, even just to New Zealand, would be fabulous, perhaps with my best friend from primary school (:
I do eventually want a family, but I'm not really sure when. I don't feel the need to stringently plan out my future, but I do know that I don't ever want to be alone; which means not moving out of my parents' home till I have friends who I can live with, and since my parents aren't keen for me to move out too early, that shan't be happening for ages, which I am fine with.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
I'm not sure, I have thought about this before, but truthfully, I haven't seen that much of the world, there are so many possibilties out there that I still haven't explored. Adelaide is wonderful for growing up in, but I don't want to live in one city for my entire life; there are so many places to go and they're all so different. I love Australia, it is my home, but I'm not ruling out living in another country for some time...
I try not to worry too much about the future (:
Monday, February 2, 2009
Everyone who knows is suitably shocked. I think I'm over it, although every so often a memory resurfaces and I'm left closing my eyes and pulling a hand through my hair as I do when I'm vastly uncomfortable.
I caught Jake glancing at me today, probably wondering what this stupid thing is that I've done (a message
accidentally sent to him rather than another friend, only alluding to that and saying I'll tell her in person). I'm certain he has an idea, considering the phone calls and voice mail I left him, but I don't quite remember what I said; but I doubt he actually realises. I'm not that kind of person. Although, I obviously am.
I wouldn't have done so without the alcohol. Such hollow comfort.
I don't really need comfort, it's just irritating.
I wanted to tell David, just out of interest to see his reaction, but I couldn't quite. David is in one of my classes, and he was my first friend who was just a little bit more. For a quick summary, we have been good friends, and also both liked each other at the same time, in the past, but there has been a lot of lying on his side and I have been a little sick of forgiving him only to go through the same cycle once more, however, let's say, today I decided to try it again. I spent one of my frees with him, asked him to help me with my Classical Studies homework; I found one of the questions confusing (we are studying the Odyssey C: ) and thought I may as well ask him since he is repeating year 12 and has done the subject before. I also knew he'd love the idea of being smarter than me (which is painting a great picture of him for you, but he always thinks I'm way smarter than him), and I partly wanted to put everything behind us. Again.
I was still slightly apprehensive, because of the past, and because I know my two other best friends would disapprove, because of what's happened previously. Although I don't know if they care anymore, their former opinion would still hold if things were good between us. I don't want anything to jeopardise any possible future reconciliation. This might.
David used to be very important to me. But with everything, I am the least mistrustful of him when he says he wants to be friends. I am not keen to be friends with him. I have Lynley at school and friends in class. Oh and I think Mr Sheridan may have the impression that Lynley and I were making out at lunch today... She was hugging me and put her face to kiss me on the side of the cheek, afterward I turned to look at her and we just stayed like that for a while, because she's a very physical contact type person, even more than I; and with our hair falling over our faces, Mr Sheridan walked past behind us and I saw him turning the corner as I moved my head and he had a weird look on his face... Awkward.
I have lots of friends out of school and I have almost everyone I need. Honestly, I've given up hope of fixing things with Jake. That hope I had died a while ago. I just want the other two back.
Anyway, I don't really need to rekindle this friendship with David. I'm sure it will end badly again, although I don't want it to. And even if it doesn't, I'm going to have a crazy hard time trying to trust him now.
But it's slightly cooler today, thank God. (:
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I've been dreading today for a week, but now its been overshadowed by something else. Today is the birthday of one of my best friends, and I haven't talked to her in almost 6 months.
And yet, something that happened on Friday night is slightly more in the forefront of my mind... Yes, I did something stupid. Yes, it's pretty major. No, I shan't blog about it for now, although I would kinda like to...
I'm seeing Justin and a couple of friends from that community service week tonight, at some service their church is having. (:
I'm missing my best friend from primarry school who, since we are now back at school, I haven't seen for a while. We spent nearly every day of our holidays together.
But even with my mistake of elephantine proportions, and everything that's been happening, I'm still pretty content (: