I have been terribly remiss. I have not posted in ages. It's been harder than I had expected to forge a return to any kind of writing at this time. Even email conversations with friends that grow lengthy can be a difficulty to reply o. Not to mention, I'm always so tired. But now I must come back.
I miss blogging and all the wonderful people I communicate with through it. I love writing regularly, even if in a personal way. And writing has always been a comfort to me. So, especially in this echausting time, although events would conspire to drain my time, I must find a few minutes to write it out.
I have a lot to tell you. Final exams are done, gradation gone, and formal over. Significant developments in friendships have occurred, and tragedy seems all around. I don't believe that to be an over dramatising of what has happened. We shall see.
So expect proper posts soon. :)
Monday, December 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
There's something that I have been turning over in my mind for almost all of this year. I do not feel free to discuss it because it directly involves some of those who I know read my blog. There is another topic I cannot write about on this blog since I do not feel comfortable talking about it with these same people being able to read it.
Oh, but I'm dying to tell you everything.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I haven't posted in forever, have been studying for final exams, which have just begun.
I can't sleep.
I'm trying to be healthy and get enough sleep and eat right. All of that.
I hate the turbulence that Chip's heart problem brings, to his life, and our relationship. I don't think I can handle it much longer. I am not going to break up with him, no, never. Never because of that. Never for any reason, hopefully... but more on that later.
I just, what with him and so much wrong in other people's lives around me... I am forever on the edge of tears. I am not letting him go, but I am scared that I will have some sort of breakdown and not be able to handle anything. And really, I'm still getting better from myself.
I hate how his heart leads to either or both of us growing angry or upset at various times. I am not frustrated at him, no, never. But with myself, my inability to help him, my inability to deal with it. My inability to deal with myself.
You know what sucks? He has been getting better, but it still finds a way to creep into everything. And now, with the beginning of summer, we are realising that the heat, the fucking heat, causes him to hurt. Fuck this.
This is a terrible post, please bear with me.
I love how close we are, how strong we are together, I love him and who he is. I think we are, at the moment, far too dependent on each other, however. I don't know. And I hate the way I continue to suppress my conscience on some matters which are actually fundamental to me. I know he will agree with me but I don't want to bring it up with him.
I'm sick of the way everything just is. I'm sick of not being able to sleep, knowing that his presence would calm me down so that I could. But we are not allowed that. I just want to fall asleep with him again, so that just one more time I can fall asleep quickly and easily and happily, and sleep feeling safe and loved. I loved that.
I miss our August.
And that way I could know if he was hurting, and it made it more okay, because I could be there with him throughout. I cannot stand him being in pain. But his pain unchecked when he is alone...
I am scared he will die. He is my best friend. If anything happened...
I know I could not cope with that. I know several people who could not cope with that at all.
I have so much to explain to you all.
Soon. When exams are over.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
"Ending Unplanned"
I wanna feel alive. More alive than I have ever felt before. So I feel it flooding through my veins.
I wanna feel every touch, every taste, wanna hear every sound more clearly than I ever have before.
I want to love without inhibition. [Everyone, feel free to start singing Natasha Bedingfield now ;)] I want to throw caution to the wind, and cynicism out the door.
I want to live.
And I'm not ashamed of these scars, for they made me who I am.
But they are not “the end”, they are not the “all”. They’re just a part of my story. Just like you. And every moment is a part, and I don’t want to waste them anymore. I am writing my story, and it may not be a best seller. Maybe the main character puts herself through too much needless strife, and finds herself lost time and time again. Maybe she forgets to give her all and maybe she’s not the heroine when she should be. Maybe she makes mistakes, and maybe she’s clumsy (and not in a vapid Bella Swan way) and maybe she runs from reality.
There may not even be a happy ending, but it will be a story nonetheless. My story. And I’m going to live it, and I’m going to tell it. It may not sell, not one copy, but it’s my life, and I promise you, I will make it worth it.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I'm not really up to posting full blog posts at the moment, either through lack of time or just general state of mine, so you can find me mainly at http://jasabela.tumblr.com right now, and no, i cannot even be bothered putting in a proper link. I wish I could at least know what to say, even if I can't take other people's problems. And trust me, I would take as many as possible, if i could. But I don't even know what to say. I don't even know what to say.
Monday, September 14, 2009
This doesn't make for entertaining reading.
It's just an update, since I've been word vomiting on here for a while.
Chip called me the other night and I was upset over something else which I'd rather not go into, so I had missed all the signs that he was in pain when we were emailing each other prior. I almost didn't pick up because to be honest I was a little mad at him. We both were frustrated and took it out on each other. But I'm so glad that after about the fifth or sixth call, I did pick up. He was hurting pretty badly, and I didn't know what to do because I wasn't there and I couldn't hold him. I rambled on about stuff. But in the first quarter of an hour, I had to ask him if he could call me back in five minutes. Make that three. I didn't want to spend that long away from him but I couldn't even control my breathing as I listened to his painful, tortured intake of air. So I hung up, bawled for a few minutes, and composed myself before he called back. Got a drink of water, which was my excuse. Carried on as before, trying to act normal, curling my toes and trying to sound calm as I kept myself from further tears. It hurts to see him like this. Hurts more to hear him this way, because I can't help as I can when I'm with him.
The next day, after talking, he promised to see a doctor, and was prescribed strong painkillers and sleeping pills. Last night he took them and managed about four or five hours of sleep. It's scary that that's a good thing. Better than fifteen minutes though. Hopefully we'll get there, although he's really worried about the possibility of suffering mild depression and/or anxiety as a result, which the doctor warned him may occur. I hope not because then he'll stop taking the tablets and will stop sleeping again...
As for other aspects of life, they're doing okay. I know he and his heart are all I've been blogging about, and I'm sorry, but it's kinda been uppermost in my thoughts and that, of course, is what this blog reflects.
Proper post soon.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
ican'ttakethis
i can't take this.
I can't bear to see him in so much pain. He's always been the happy, optimistic one. The focused one, the good kid who never fights with his parents.
I can't stand to see him hurting so bad, and emotionally as well.
I can't write properly.
I can't stand how things are for him, I want to make it all better. I can't.
I just want you to be okay.
It hurts so much to see you like this, to see you going through this. Every time I think of you, I am barely from tears. I love you so much. I need you to be okay. You have to be okay.
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