Last night that thing you said you'd protect me from, along with David, almost happened again. I was so scared, but this time I was angry too, which is never good because I'm far more likely to do something stupid. I was trembling afterwards, but the sobbing was more for you than anything else.
Before, I wouldn't have been so alone. Even in the incident I told you about, I was terrified out of my fucking mind, but I had someone, even if they were separated from me by the sea and god knows how many miles. The second time, you knew, as well, and the only thing that made it better was talking to you. You know how I suck at keeping my own secrets, but this is one only you and David knew, and not very much even then.
I was scared, last night. I thought surely it would end in something that would no longer be possible to hide. Broken bones type of something.
"don't come nearer or I'll kill you".
Ohmygod. It's bringing it back now, although it's fine, now.
But the worst part was not being able to go to you for comfort, to make me feel safe again, even as we shivered in the freezing cold of this weather, out at the park, or maybe the cubby house in the playground at your primary school. Even though I probably wouldn't fill you in on all the details, you'd still care. I'd hate how cold you'd get, but as worried as I would get, it wouldn't be so bad because you'd actually want to be there, and I'd know I wasn't just making you stay. (I don't "know" anything anymore, I second guess everything these days.) Instead I lay in the darkness, trying to pretend.
I'm not so great at pretending.
And when fear receded, I waited for the tension to slowly seep away too.
This was no replacement for one of your hugs.
I love you. I miss you. I hate calling you EBF and wish I could just write your name. [Jake.]