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Thursday, October 23, 2008

"I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised"

You know what, I am glad that this hurts so much. I am glad that I am missing them, and specifically Jake, so much. So much that I physically hurts. Because although I hate it, of course I hate it, I can't stand this, it shows me that I do care about people. I put in effort and care and love to people and they mean something to me. And I am glad that I can do that. No matter how much it can hurt when it goes wrong. Because the memories I have are still there, and they are still so precious. I just thought there would be time to make more of them.

Oh, Jake. I miss you. So much. You have no idea. Actually, you might. But you wouldn't care. I know that. That makes me laugh, it's so typical of you. I could sit here and recount memories and the millions of things that remind me of you. I am astounded at how many things are linked in my mind with you, no matter how obscurely. Sometimes I want to shut it off, this feeling. I hate breaking into tears at the most random moments. Or almost but then not quite. Let's face it, I am something of a drama queen, while I dislike attention, I still want it. When I have it, I tend to shy away from it. And I tend to lie that I don't want this, I ignore it, don't listen to it, but it just manifests itself while I am not looking. I hate it. I don't want to be an attention seeker, that's stupid. It's probably something to do with my over fertile imagination, wanting to bring about things like in books, movies, TV and my own thoughts...

Something to do with not having very many friends when I was younger, since I was so shy. I always needed reassurances from friends when I started making them, in year 7, that they still were my friends. This is probably a more subtle way of getting that reassurance. But I really do hate attention. But then I do like being dramatic. Oh I hate such contradictions.

All I know is I miss Jake, and I miss the friendship we had, I don't want his stupid stupid wristband to be the only thing I have left of him, the wristband and my memories, or "the ghost of what we used to be".

Jake, you're my best friend, please don't let that go so easily... You're never going to read this, and I would die if you did lol. But I love you and miss you so much, please just believe me I do love you, I don't know when you stopped believing that, I don't know when you stopped loving me. But I can't do that, I can't just turn my emotions on or off. I need you. You have no idea.

/tears flooding eyes

hah. God, Jake. I love you so so much. And these memories are driving me insane. I want you back so badly. I want our going for walks at night, sitting in the park and play fighting, the rescue car, the hugs, I miss just being with you, walking to school and back with you, our little stupid jokes, talking to you about everything, standing outside our houses together after school, watching Phoebe, you coming over and us putting together a fairy puzzle, Facepunch and falling asleep while on MSN to you because I was so tired but didn't want to stop talking to you, Star Wars arguments and magic discussions LOL, you meeting Lynley, I miss how close we were, but I would settle for just a distant friendship, I long for you, for your friendship, for what we had, hah Kirsten tonight said we were so cute together, as friends. I am desperate to have you as my best friend, I loved that, calling you my best friend. I loved just everything about you, I still do. But I hate how you can let go so easily...


You mean so much to me.

Why am I writing this, he's never going to read it... Lol, it makes me feel better, kindah. Mmm. I dunno.


Night xx

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