So when you tell me that you love me know for sure...

I don't wanna be lonely any more.

So Rob Thomas sung, and quite probably, shall sing again. I'm looking
for someone I can sing that to, not literally of course.

I'm lonely, at the heart of everything else. With my best friends
Kathleen and Lyn and Bass Boy and my various other friends, I've got
this void I'm trying to fill. BF, sure, he's got his place. But I
can't talk to him about him and other boys, about girly things and
movies and anime and joke about old memories and a future together. We
don't have a long term future together. I do not see us getting
married, although I'm fine with being proved wrong on that. He may be
the ever elusive "one" but for now he is merely my boyfriend, and
while this might sound stupid, I hate that he is the person I am
currently closest to.

At this age, friends are the steadiest thing I have. They are the ones
I can still see having a bond with decades down the line.

Chip, well, we'll see.

I don't want my boyfriend to be the person I go to first to tell
everything, when we have been together for two months. I do not want
to be clingy and I want a solid foundation, I want a girl's view and a
specific sort. Some friendships just click together perfectly, you
know, and I have not been able to find someone who I can talk to about
things like my Rainbow Brite girl. I mean, we talk now. But it's not
the same as before, when we were best friends, secure in our
friendship and able to talk about anything, as we did while wagging
school to get chips at the deli, cringing over the deli lady's mockery
of our order of large fries between the two of us and laughing over
past experiences and future plans. We talked about everything and
although I'll tell Kathleen things, her perspective is different. I
don't see her at school, she only gets ideas of school drama from my
perspective.

My gossip sources are strained and poor, not to mention slow.

I have no one to discuss my insecurities with Chip because most of my
friends are single and don't seem to want to hear me talk about him.

I miss having someone to talk to about everything who has that specific perspective... I miss you, Becca.

Read More...

Summary only...

"I'll be Missing You"

ExBestFriend,


hahaha, you'll remember. your proof...

If I "don't even really miss you anymore", then why is it that seeing you makes me panic? And three words from you have me in turmoil for the next hour? Just "How's it going?" I fumbled some ridiculous response... way to go looking like a complete dumbass Toivoa.

... I'd almost forgotten the sound of your voice. And now I've heard it again, I want to hear it all the time. I want you to talk to me like one of the others do. I talk to her heaps now, while I just don't really get that many chances with the other friend.

I want to see you laugh, and I really want to see you smile because even though you hate [hated?] smiling, I found it pretty much the most adorable thing ever.

You know what I miss? Those days when seeing you brought a huge smile to my face, and yours too, and I'd run at you and give you a massive, long hug; and you'd hug me back just as tightly. I loved that I knew you cared about me when you lacked any real response to so much else, and when you told me so, when you said "I love you" just because you wanted to say it and because you meant it. I loveloveloved our friendship. I lovelovelove you.

... but I think that's fading.

And even though I'm beginning to accept that,

I just still really really would give anything to be friends with you again.

Read More...

Summary only...

Rahhh

It feels like a beginning, or at least a resuming, for that is more accurate. But it has started and I love it... It is always at the beginning when there are so many as yet untried possibilites that hope hangs thick in the air, as a sweet scent rather than a choking fog; wonderful. I remember being excited about talking to the exbestfriend, and even with the worry, it was still awesome. But this time, I'm sure it will be different. Because it's not him; it's my other friends, and I always thought this would be easier.

He just... sometimes isn't a very flowing conversationalist... And things were just more awkward, so that didn't help.

This is different, better.

I'm so hopeful.

C:

Read More...

Summary only...

"Smile like you mean it"

It is such a relief that this school week is over. So much has happened in these five days...

I talked to my friends again, I started going out with Jimit, watched an amazing play for English Studies and the Year 12 play for Westminster, the school my best friend Kat goes to.

This is how it's going to work. There are a few things I wish to post at length about, and as such, these shall be separated into different posts. Apologies.

[I've also created a new blog for the three of us, partly because I don't want our talking to each other via blog posts to invade this blog and also because I don't think other people need to be involved. Here you go.]

I saw one of my friends smile at me yesterday, and even though it may have been a little awkward, and my answering smile definitely was slightly off... Well, you may think that I was excited when the exbestfriend smiled at me... I was. But this, this was so much better... I didn't dance for excitement or anything but I felt like finally something that was wrong had been fitted back into place. Like the world got turned right way up again finally. I don't know, in one way it felt like a huge occurrence, in another it felt like we had slipped back into it easily. And a smile kept working its way across my face for a long time after.

I was nervous, when I was walking up the stairs, and saw her sitting with her boyfriend right outside where I was to pass, and I stopped to talk to Lynley, who happened to be on the stairs. I wanted to try to compose myself a little, and not walk past alone, but as we walked up the stairs, I did not hear a word she said. I wasn't sure what to do, was it too soon yet to acknowledge her with a smile? Was this actually finally happening? I was watching her as I walked past, she was looking the other way. Was it still too awkward, were we too used to turning away at the moments of passing each other? Her boyfriend was watching me watching her, but I didn't want to miss it if it would happen. There had already been so many missed times over that day and the previous with the other one...

And then she turned her head and smiled, and I smiled back as best as I could, relief just flooding through me. I saw her boyfriend notice this and say something to her, quietly, for we weren't in close proximity, and I, so flustered but happy, kept walking with Lynley past where I had to go. I could have danced with joy, if I was the dancing kind.

It was wonderful.

Concert band directly afterwards was great. Sure, technically it still sucked ass and went for ages, but that time it just didn't seem as long or as unbearable. We also didn't play the song that I absolutely hate, but even if we had...

We communicated a little. Afterwards, we laughed together, just briefly. I was scared that it was too much too soon, what if it was too awkward for her? Should we just go straight back to laughing and talking or kinda ease into it? I was so tentative, but knowing that we could look at each other at the same time and not have to hastily look away - I almost cried with happiness.

A friend mentioned to me how strange it had been to see us talking via Failbook, and I agreed. Of course, it was crazy. But it was so right. Not the Failbook part, now if it had been MySpace, then, of course. ;p

Honestly, I had expected first for these things to happen with the other one. For a start, we had a lesson together the very day after we talked, and that Thursday. I had even hoped for it, maybe. I tried to imagine it. But things never work out how I imagine. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing...

Things are better. So much better. I am not wondering if what we had can be restored, any friendship between us is wonderful, and enough for now. If that's all there ever is, then that will be enough.

On a side note, you know what drives me crazy? Hearing from other people how they've drifted apart from them. It drives me insane. Do you have any idea what are you letting yourself lose??? Surely, you can't. I almost want to scream at them. There is only one thing worse in hearing about them.

No, you do not, you do not fucking say those things. There is this guy at my school who everyone hates. He is vile. Last year when this had all begun, we used to talk in a lesson where I no longer had anyone to talk to... One day one of them came up in conversation, and having listened in on my talking to someone else, assumed that we were merely no longer friends and tried to ingratiate himself by complaining about one of them. Fuck you. Fuck you. If there weren't enough reasons to hate you already, that solely would be enough. I despise you and I will never forgive you.

It's more painful when it's people who I am friends with, who I know were friends with them. Again, are they out of their minds???

... I'm just glad we have this back, this, something.

Read More...

Summary only...

"And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through"

"... and my eyes are screaming for the sight of you."

i'd still do anything for him. i still love him.

but i don't really miss him so much anymore.

i go almost whole days without thinking about him. i can last a week, at least, without truly recollecting a memory, with reliving it, and missing him, like a stab to the heart.

i mean, sure, the other day, i used my sister's deodorant, and, turns out it was one i used to use back then. and i thought of a night with you, on a rooftop, talking and just spending time. i know that moment was special for both of us, perhaps more so for me, but still. you told me so.

the rescue car, that other car, the drop bear, the drain... our private jokes.

and yes, in a recent post about Jimit, i mentioned kissing the exbestfriend. And even now if I think about it I get lost in those memories so easily.

But gone are the times of memories involving him flooding over me at any random moment, unexpectedly, or due to a tiny association. If I go into those memories, it is mainly at will.

Only, just then. Another of them wrote something on Failbook about wearing her boyfriend's t-shirt, which smells like him. And, that was one of my favourite things about you, to be honest. I know it sounds ridiculous, but you had the best smell. I loved how after we'd snuck out on our walks together at night, I'd come home and fall asleep with your smell in my hair and from that, on my pillow, and on my hoodie. I loved wearing your jackets, even though they were huge. The strangest moment was lying with you in your bed one day, our lips touching, barely breathing, and although I was also freaked out by it, I couldn't help but love that moment. That was when our friendship began to blur, shortly before we first hooked up.

Her post sent me back to so many memories, so many connections revolve around that, your smell. I love your smell. MySpace surveys and the like ask what your favourite smell is and of course I can't say you... But, that's the truth. I loved going to sleep smelling like you. I loved being around you, in every single way. Even when you were stubborn and frustrating and even when we argued. And I loved it when you hugged me back as enthusiastically as I hugged you, and when you put your arms around me, and held me, and when you tried to stop me from being scared.

I think I'm only now starting to realise that maybe, maybe my other two best friends were right. I really did like him, didn't I? A lot.

Shit.

"If truth be told, I miss you.
Truth be told, I'm lying."

But anyway, it's been good talking to her. Even just a little. Right?

Read More...

Summary only...

Update, Because I Suck at Post Titles.

Well, guys, I meant to post yesterday, but my mind was extremely sleep deprived and words weren't making sense coming out of my mouth. Eight hours of sleep over two nights will do that to you. Or me, at least.

I'm not much better today and if I'd had access to a computer in the morning at school, you'd all have had the many joys of reading another self-pity post. However, many factors contributed, including the lack of sleep. I got my period later today so I guess that was a problem but I also didn't take my Vitamin D tablets the day before and I think that actually had a huge impact... which is slightly worrying. I also overreact to things a lot. What can I say, I'm an overly sensitive soul... To the point where if I actually told people about certain things I get upset over I would be shot. Really.

A friend of mine keeps joking about how I talk too much and wonders why she is even friends with me. I know I know I know that it is just a joke and sometimes I am highly irritating but when it reflects how I used to feel and when I am as already low as I have been, I don't really take it too well, although I try to hide it, how successful I am I can't say. Just little things like that...

I've also, in case you haven't noticed with a post last week or so, I've been breaking things accidentally and being even more clumsy than usual, walking into things, spilling other people's drinks while they are holding it, dropping everything, and it makes me kind of feel like a fuck up at life. It's just getting so bad that it's past the point of amusing. So that has been making me feel sad.

I'm so stupid, I always manage to let little things upset me, even when there are good things happening! Because, I have news. Good news (:

I am going out with Jimit... Which I'm very happy about, and will probably go into more in another post later. I never thought it would actually happen, although we talked about it. But I'm glad it has.

Vinnie, Kathleen's friend who I kinda have a little thing for, but we don't know each other well enough to be anything more than friends, although we get along really well, is planning to ask me to formal at his school. Which, for those of you not from Australia, is prom. Of course, I'm not supposed to know about it yet, but Kat gave me a heads up, obviously. And the thing is, Kat and I were planning to get him to ask me, since both of us wanted me to go, because she goes to the same school as he does. So when he mentioned to her that he wanted to ask me, she was pretty excited, and so was I, in turn.

And the best thing of all, kinda, is that I started talking to those best friends two nights ago. When I say I started, it was more that they initiated it, because, well, I hadn't really had a chance to get around to trying to work out how to talk. Sure, it was only via MSN, but that's better than nothing, right? Only, I wasn't online last night, since... well, I barely ever use it anymore because I only ever really used it to talk to the exbestfriend and one of them, since the other couldn't get internet access at her house at the time. And as to why I say kinda is because I am the paranoid type, who is very unsure. What if they thought it sucked? Since I've seen one of them at school in the two days since, do I say hi? I haven't really been able to since we haven't made eye contact or that kind of thing, you know those awkward moments... So what do I do? I don't know and I'm so nervous and unsure.

Okay. Now that, I've got all of this out on my blog so you know what's happening, I can no longer put off writing a Poetry oral that I must do tomorrow for English Studies. I despise Poetry... Wish me luck!

Night xx

Read More...

Summary only...

Let's fuck this shit up y'all.

Just a few points.

- The alarm clock that my parents use to wake me up in the morning if they're both at work makes me want to fucking die. It is evil and its shrill sounds were concocted in the cesspits of hell.

- Tonight is going to be one of those nights where homework gets done only by caffeine and light of a phone under the quilt... Not fun.

- While today was not productive school wise, I did piss off vast amounts of people simply be repetitively singing the Shrek karoake dance party song, or whatever the hell its called. Day --> definitely successful. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're more of a douche than the guy who essentially broke up with a close friend over Failbook. Really.

- For the record, you dickface of the previous point, if I was gangster and violent and shit, right about now and yesterday I'd be all like, "Let's fuck his shit up! Son of a bitch goin downnn." I'd obviously throw in some "Aww hell naww"s, something about getting all up in his grill, and definitely "being about to bust a cap in his ass". Luckily for you, I'm not like that, or *insert gangster slang for "i'd kill you" here*. That's right. I'm not someone ya wanna mess with.

- I've been like this all day. This is why I should sleep more and this is why I was asked to "sew [my] lips together like those people in refugee camps". Detention centres...

- I have friends who obviously love me greatly. See former point.

- Oh, Mr Orange. To put it nicely, please staythefuck out of this situation. You know what I'm talking about.

- As for said situation, it's better than it's been in the longest time. Since... August I think. At least, I think it was good.

- I've wished for ages that my eyes would change their shade of colour in accordance with my mood. Today I mentioned this and was looked at like I was crazy. Which is probably true, but still. It would be cool and nothing changes that! Take that, bitches.

- I laughed a lot at something I said today. Yes, I'm that annoying person who finds their jokes hilarious and laughs for ages, while everyone around them hates them for being shit at life. It's all just a part of my day. But anyway, "I put the 'ass' in 'class'. Classy." Bitch, please.

- On that note, this post draws to a close. I'll be back tomorrow with some more of my stupid shit, possibly a further rant at afore-mentioned "dickface", maybe even a post on my long neglected "Let's Talk About the Tour Guide", or perhaps some more of my gloomy outtakes on life. Coz I'm emo like that.

Read More...

Summary only...

Re:

I don't want to make you upset. I never did, and I sucked at that, and I'm so sorry. I know my apologies are far too late and can never ever do enough.

I would have hurt her, I would have hurt her in any and every fucking way possible, if she had carried out or even tried to carry out any of this threats she made against you. Even just saying what she did. I know it's stupid to get involved in other people's fights, but you were my best friend, I would not take that. I could not take that. She said the stupidest things, she was ridiculous. I still have an MSN conversation saved in a word file callled Brandon the Hero, when her boyfriend was taking her side and trying to join in. What a dick. Of course I was there.

I don't know when I became so caught up in my own feelings, I don't know how I got that way, but no matter what, I would still defend you, I still do.

This upcoming music trip... I can't see you being alone. You were always so good at making friends. Even though things have changed so much now, with everyone, you wouldn't have that problem, would you? You're the pretty, bubbly, outgoing, funny one. Even though I usually try to hide it, I still feel awkward around people so much, not knowing what to say. Except with some. Like you.

What do I want? I don't know...

I want you to be fucking happy. Maybe you can't do that when you are friends with me. I try to be happy and although I'm getting better at it, sometimes I get upset for no reason, and moody and just strange.

And in that case, if my seemingly uncontrollable, volatile emotions prevent us from being friends, then in one way I don't want us to be friends again. Of course I do, I want it more than anything. But I don't want to make you sad, and I don't know if I can help it. God knows I've done it often enough already to last a lifetime.

I never wanted that. I never wanted to hurt you.

I never ever imagined we would find ourselves where we are today.

How could I ever imagine such a thing?

Sometimes, what happened is clear to me; at others, I just don't understand it.

I wish I had a definite idea of something. But I have no idea. And I have no idea what I specifically want.

Read More...

Summary only...

/keyyboard mash.

The sickly sweet taste of cheep alcohol drunk for social ease is lingering and I want it gone. Every single time I have ever been tipsy - drunk, something bad has happened. Why do I persist in this?

The first time I was drunk I cut myself. And it was crazy, those gashes and that spurting of blood, and my reaction was one of both exhiliration and fear. Then there was the time I upset my best friends. I cried for a week over that till I finally got off my ass and tried to talk to them. Did I learn from that? Hell no. Then there was how I lost my virginity. And all the stupid shit those other times. I saw him the other day... I went to smile at him, but then I saw the awkward look he gave me, and remembered and ended up with a wry smile of acknowledgement. Ridiculous. I'd still have wanted to be friends.

This time I pissed off Jimit. Just a little, and he's so forgiving. I keep realising that there is far more depth to him than I initially thought, and I love that. But ohmygod, I can barely keep myself away from /off him, even when I'm sober and trying. It wasn't that which made him angry, there was more to it. But ugh. He was already let down by one of his best friends not coming to his 18th, and then I, one of his good friends, went and got drunk at a no alcohol party due to his parents' strictness. I don't understand how I have such good and forgiving and caring and understanding friends, when time and time again I have shown I don't deserve that and don't do enough to change anything.

I am talking to him now in our customary nightly manner...

How can I ever tell him that I like him again? A lot?

You know the stupidest thing I ever did? It was this text message I sent once, to my best friends, telling them how many scars I had from self harming. To this day, I wonder why the fuck I did that. Why??? There are so many things I did wrong. Why can't we have the benfit of hindsight at the very time??? Why do I follow through with my stupid ideas?

I'm so tired.

Read More...

Summary only...

Untitled.

Sometimes it's more than I can take. To wonder what you're thinking. Do you ever think about me? When you do, what do you think? Do you think 'OMG what an overly emotional/fucked up bitch?' Or anything likewise negative? Do you remember the good memories, and even the bad memories? Do you wonder what things would have been like now? Do you wonder what might happen now instead? Do you miss me? Do you pretend like you were never friends with me? Do you talk about me to other people in passing, like I always accidentally do, remembering a memory and being like oh. Do you talk to each other about me? Does he talk to either of you? Do you talk to him? About me.

Do you ever, just briefly wish we were still friends?

I don't know that I really want to know the answer to any of those questions.

My mum mentioned one of you today. I desperately trying to avoid saying your name. She doesn't realise that it was you too, she thinks it was just the exbestfriend and the other one. I don't know how, since it was always our group of three. She liked you, because you wore skirts sometimes, and that makes me laugh, because she told me so many times, why can't you wear skirts more often like your friend? But she always forgot your name, she barely ever knew any of my friends' names. I don't know why, of all days, she thought to mention you today.

I'm trying to write something for tomorrow. Again, I don't know if I can.

[If you are reading, I really more than anything don't want you to read this.]
Those of you who have read my blog, from the start, will remember that I talked about how it actually physically hurts. And it's like, shit, my whole chest is so tight and hurts so much I can't even describe it. And you know, that hasn't been happening so much lately. So maybe I'm finally getting over it. But I don't want to. All those times I said "I would die without you", and, then, after all, I didn't. And I don't know, it, to me, felt like a betrayal. On my side. I didn't want that. So I wanted it to hurt, even more than it already did. But was I trying to make it hurt more or was I just trying to remember everything?

I didn't want to die, even without them. And I wanted to want that, but I just didn't. Not really. Even with the hospital, and the police, and the file, ohmygod, I just didn't want to think for a while. I was never going to DO anything. Yes, I don't think any of you know this, but when I came back to school, and they made me leave, and I didn't want to, and then I left but then I went for a walk and then the police came to find me and take me home... I was so scared and angry and alone. I know I said I didn't want to be alive, but I didn't want to die. I couldn't believe you thought that, I couldn't believe you would do what you did, and how everyone thought the same thing. It seemed absurd to me, although I knew, I knew how it would seem from your place. I wasn't mad about the hospital thing, I understood. I was angry because you thought I might kill myself.

And I would never.

But how were you to know?

All I knew then was that I was alone, more alone than I had ever been and that I had no one, no one who I could go to, no one who I could cry in front of, no one to even just give me a hug and listen. Of course my family, but how could I explain these things to them? I couldn't, and I wanted to protect my sister. Kathleen and Michelle, my best friends from primary school, knew the basics, but barely. I couldn't just weep to them over the phone, I didn't even understand what happened. They did what they could but they never knew how fucked I was. I just wanted someone. Nothing made sense at that point and I cried over everything. I stopped sleeping in my room, listening to my favourite song, eating chips from the local deli. I've recently listened to that song again, twice, and I've eaten chips there once, last week, but I still don't sleep in my room. Everything, everywhere was painful because it was a reminder of them and of the fact that I was alive. I felt acutely just how alive I was and it was so painful, I didn't want to feel that.

I'd felt like that before, over something. It was terrible. But then, I had David, at least. Although then I didn't even know if I had family.

Again, it was the feeling of the world being turned on its head. My world. And when I overdosed on painkillers and broke my promise to you, specifically to you, it made things worse. I failed all my classes at school that term. Like I said, nothing made sense. I thought that I had tried all I could and that there was nothing more I could do.

I hoped you weren't hurt over it but I had no idea what was going on and I assumed you were fine, because, you seemed fine. I don't know how I seemed but I felt all too vacant one moment, all too alive the next. I didn't think I was enough to hurt people. I still don't know. I never wanted you to know about the hospital incident. I half didn't want you to hear and be upset over it and half didn't want you to know and not care, and I was scared it was the second one that would be true. And it was...

Things aren't like that anymore. I don't actually struggle to breathe over that, except rarely. I don't get flashbacks of memories that make me lose all focus completely. I don't die inwardly every time I hear your name, I have developed a mechanism to distance the past from the future, mostly. I keep the present out of it and continue on conversation relatively normally, although a piece of my mind tells me something is wrong. It doesn't hurt as much, as often.

I don't know that I want that! I don't want to forget you, or what you mean to me, I still don't want to give up although that's ridiculous, isn't it? It's been too long, and the reality of that is only recently sinking in.

I don't know.

Read More...

Summary only...

Letters to People IV

Dear J,

This is for you.

What did you think about what I said? I know what you said your response was, but of course it was more turbulent than you can express... I didn't do it to taunt you, or just for the sake of continuing it on. There is an essence of truth to that statement, even now. How could I forget all that passed between us? Even with all that has happened since, you know that, I've spoken of that connection we still hold. I still feel it and in some ways I still care. In some ways I don't, because when I chose to cut ties, well, I found with you that I'm pretty good at it. But it's never been entirely without regrets.

And the argument "what goes around comes around" could be put to good use here, hey? That was the last thing I expected.

Don't think I never miss/ed you. There are still times when I remember little things. It will never ever be the same, even if you could forego your perfectly justified wariness, and even though sometimes I have wanted to. I won't let myself entertain such thoughts, to be honest, because things have changed. That friendship was one that I feel should be left in the past, just because it was a good thing, and I don't want the memory of that damaged. There is more to it, that is true. I'm not quite sure what those things are, though. I'm not sure I want to.

But that song, it brought you to mind for me, and sometimes it still does. It wasn't that long ago but we were so, so painfully innocent that it feels like another lifetime. I don't know that I can connect to who I was then, I can only look back as through a misted glass, but I somehow brought with me that connection between us up until now, and probably a while yet. And you know what?

It's not utterly, completely, wholly true now, and yet, in some ways, it still is.

Until the day I die.

Read More...

Summary only...

[Insert relevant song lyrics as title here]

I am such a pansy. It's not always a bad thing - I'm not at all keen on horror movies (gross understatement), and I am fine with that. No, what I have a problem with is how scared I am to face up to reality (see example, although I'd like to think I'm not quite that bad.) I hide from facing so many things...
I'm also far too emotional. I have a cry about everything, and look far too much on the negative side rather than the positive side, although, compared to some, I'm absolutely bursting with sunshine...
The point is, I need to toughen up. I thought that I was getting stronger, emotionally, in not falling to pieces in front of my friends. The thing is, all I've been doing is heaping it onto this blog, instead, where I half hope it will remain unread, and half hope that both you who know me in real life and those who are just friends through the blogosphere will listen [read] and sympathise and possibly throw in their two cents, and give me a shoulder to cry on and I hope to god some comfort. Like I said, pansy. I need to stand for myself, and not drape myself all over others weeping and hoping for sympathy and something/someone to lean on.

I am better than that, damnit.

I am stronger than that and I need to start acting that way.

Except it's so easy to forget this shit. I need to put more effort into every damn area of my life.

Read More...

Summary only...

I Think I'm Getting Dumber.

And you may think I'm secretly blonde once I have told you the story of why. My friend told me that I was dumber than Paris Hilton - I'm so ashamed. (There'll be a poll at the end, don't worry.)

And btw, my Google Reader is fucked at the moment, what with my following 207 blogs and all (yes, two hundred and freaking seven) so I'm desperately trying to catch up on everything and if I don't comment on some kick ass post, yeah sorry. I know you'll miss me. -_-

So today, I'm kind of disheartened because it seems like I'm turning into one of those people who break everything they touch to the point where it's just plain embarrassing rather than funny, and you kinda wonder whatthefuck their point on earth could possible be other than to make you feel like a person of more worth. Take, for instance, the character Frank of old BBC comedy "Some Mothers Do 'Ave Em", which my parents are currently watching on DVD.

Case in Point 1.

This morning, I was about to leave for school, when, with one last look in the mirror, I noticed a dark stain on my jumper. At first, I, somewhat confusedly, thought it was blood, possibly because at the same time I accidentally stabbed my finger on one of the open safety pins that were supposed to be holding the strap of my bag in place, although they do that barely. That broke again today, irrepairably. Or, you know, I came to that conclusion because I am quite simply, morbid as fuck. It was also a strange reversal of an incident that occurred many years ago when I was a child, when I cut my hand opening a tube of tennis balls (pulling off the foil covering under the lid) in the car in the dark and was bleeding all over the tennis balls but somehow thought it was ink or oil...

I soon realised it couldn't be, and was attempting to wash it off when I realised it was ink that must have leaked from a pen in the pocket of my jumper. In washing it out I left a huge wet mark on my jumper. I was already wearing my school bag and didn't want to waste time, so... I proceeded to try to iron the wet patch on my jumper... while still wearing it.

I always knew it was a stupid idea, although I guess I never really worked out why... I thought, it's my jumper, it's wet, so the heat won't penetrate to my skin. I AM INSANE.

Less than 5 seconds later, I yelped in pain. OHMYGOD. It was so hot.

Duh.

So I ended up ironing my jumper on the ironboard after removing it, leaving faint ink stains on the ironboard cover in the process.

As a friend pointed out to me, why the FUCK didn't I use the hairdryer on it?

It never even crossed my mind.

I fucking suck.

Case in Point 2.

Why is my school bag broken? Well, it all began when walking through the library doors, where they have the same sort of things on the side as at shops, to make sure no one just steals books. I caught my bag in one of these without realising, kept walking, and tore the strap off the bag at the bottom. I have been attempting to hold it together with a whole bunch of safety pins since the bag is plastic and I know that if I tried to sew it back, things would only worsen.

Safety pins really aren't doing it anymore.

Case in Point 3.

We had a Biology practical today which involved cutting up Agar into cubes. Agar is jelly-like, but firmer, and I amused myself by drawing on the leftovers with my pen that is not a ball-point and I can't work out what type it is. Said pen no longer works. At all.

It was new.

Case in Point 3.

Today we had Maths, since we don't have every lesson every weekday. I forgot my Maths workbook, textbook, and calculator. I'd say the only thing I had that was able to be used in that subject was my pen, but I had already destroyed that earlier, in Biology, and happened to have on hand a pen I have borrowed from somebody else, forgotten to return, and now cannot recall who owns it, and no one else seems to know.


I could go on for hours but it's becoming a little too depressing and I'm going out soon so time is not on my side, although thank God, in this situation.

I'm angry at myself, because in our Biology practical, we used razor blades to cut the cubes, and everyone laughed over the brand of these blades being "Happiness". The irony here is obvious, but the thing is, I contributed by saying something about Emos, etc. It's not hard to work out the gist of any of those comments. But the thing is, I have been there, I know certain other people in the same area have cut themselves and I was completely insensitive and cruel about it. Talk about contributing to the stereotype. Because it isn't funny, and even though some people do it for attention, a lot of the time that is because they need help but can't express it in a normal way. I've thought that since before I ever did it, but as to why I did, there are so many different reasons. And I could never have stopped without one particular person.

The first person I told besides the ex ex best friend, and who stuck around for my relapse and getting through trying to quit again. I can't remember if I ever told her how grateful I was and am to her, specifically, although there were many general thank-you's to all of my friends who helped in some way, and I hope so much that I did, because I don't think I could ever have stopped without her. And she was right there in the room and I wondered if the conversation reminded her of me - what a terrible thing to connect with me. I see her more often than the others, and its excruciating because I think of how this time would be spent if things hadn't gone the way they had. And even when sometimes I think, fuck it, I'm going to leave my arms and stomach in shreds and pouring with blood, it's for her I don't, although I don't even know if it matters to her anymore, and I half hope it does and half that it doesn't, because, really, which is worse? I don't know anymore. Better for her, better for me; is anything best for the both of us??

And why I am I speaking about her now when I have tried so hard and so long to block her out? That sounds terrible, but if I didn't I don't know what I would do. In some ways, that's the hardest to deal with, because we were the ones who talked. I'd tell them all the same stuff but just, it was different, with her. We talked in depth about freaking everything. And it's talking about the really serious shit and just typical teen matters that I miss. Just, the way that we talked. Kathleen is great, but. It's not the same.

Nothing with other people could ever be the same.

And finally, for the answer to my question, I actually let myself read her blog [and the other's] tonight and then, well, then I obviously couldn't block it anymore. Now I'm more confused than ever. And there's only four days to go and I don't want it to get here, because one was bad enough. And even though the day before I'd done the stupidest thing I could have, that was barely on my mind.

[And, well, I guess that maybe you're reading this [?] and I wonder what you'll be thinking, but I have nowhere left to go, and I decided a long time ago that this was where I would write what I was thinking. I don't fucking know, I hide in every other way, I don't want to leave here too.

So maybe I won't write that letter. Because half the time I'm writing to all of you on here anyway.

You know, this post began and I was determined not to think about you, to make it to you or about you, all of you, for once. But what you said is running through my head and I'm trying to make sure I understand.

I hope you'll never think he was more important. He was just the one who was around the most, and from all that time together, to nothing. Fuck. I still don't know, I still don't think it was that way. But I wonder. "What's it like to kiss someone with a beard?" I remembered her asking that the other day, when I'd told both of you about hooking up with the exbestfriend, and how you both laughed as we walked our separate ways to different classes. That made me laugh.

But you know what? I realised, months ago, that I can deal with not being his friend. I always knew we wouldn't be "best friends forever". But I truly thought that about you two, and I guess, I guess that we all thought that but, I dunno. Semester One exam week, last year, sitting at the shops; do you remember the old lady who had the hair like the scary woman from Spirited Away? And how after we laughed at her, we talked about how we had to still be friends when we were old and had grey hair?

It's things like that I wish I could forget.]


In other news, guys, I may be getting back with Jimit. We were talking about it, and I dunno. I do like him but a friend says it would be a bad idea for me to get into a relationship with anyone at the moment, and I know that's probably true, but I just disagree. I can't really think of a reason why not to, so enlighten me, as I'm sure I'm just too fucking blonde to realise.

Anyway, after the longest-ass and most rambly post I have written in fifty years, here is your poll. What is your opinion on my level of blondeness? Dumber than Paris Hilton, secretly blonde, dropped on my head as a child, my mother drank while pregnant with me, or what? All conclusions welcome ;)

Read More...

Summary only...

The Jimit Post

Yes, Jimit is a name. A person's name. No, it isn't Indian. I have no idea from whence it has been derived... I don't know if he does either.

So here are the essential details about the one Indian friend, sometimes more, in my life.

It's crazy to think that we are the good friends we are now, considering our history, and even how we met in the first place. My crazy best friend, his girlfriend at the time. Funny how later she urged us to get together and still speculates about us one day getting married and having kids together. Thanks but no thanks Michelle.

We got along so well the first time we met, after much talking via MySpace, but then didn't see each other for another three months because of certain other crap that was going on, but thank God we sorted that out. Even so, we didn't see each other much, due to his being in Year 12 and us both having to lie about who we were with when meeting up thanks to our parents' rules against dating. We were friends that hooked up for a long time before we began to like each other and were unofficially together for a few months late last year, much to Michelle's excitement.

We've shared a lot of embarrassing moments and I never go long without laughing when I'm with Jimit, from our misunderstandings of each other to all those mortifying movie incidents. I don't think I insult any other of my friends as much either, but it's all in good fun, and I did plan his birthday party for him, right down to the date and decorations. I "explain all the technical stuff" to him that everyone already knows, like how to lurk MySpace comments when people have chosen to hide theirs.

There have been times where we would be in contact in some form for every waking hour, for weeks, and times in between where we don't speak at all. We've had pretty much the craziest friendship ever, and even though it's very casual, he knows some pretty important stuff about me and still hasn't judged me for it. We have the same views on relationships and many other things, and I can't explain how good it is to know Jimit. Especially now, talking for hours every other night on the phone, which helps both of us sleep better. Almost none of my other friends are up for conversation at random hours of the night, and would spend money on me for it. Even fewer would be willing to be woken up by me calling, which he is surprisingly fine with.

I never thought I'd be friends with an Indian! Since my parents are both Indian, although I was born and have been brought up in Australia and consider myself to be Australian, I don't like the idea of associating with Indian people for the most part, mainly because I don't want others to think I am one of those cultural snobs who move to another country but seclude themselves and keep only amongst people from their former country. Yes, I care too much about other people. I also prefer Australians, culture-wise, etc. Indians think and live so differently to Australians/Americans/the English, and while I am fine with that, they're just not people I want to spend a heap of time with. But since Jimit moved here when he was one and is now eighteen (as of today), he's as Australian as I, even though I have (proudly!) been Australian from birth. And so I have made an exception to both my casual standard thought of not-really-being-friends-with-Indians and my absolute rule of never-being-with-an-Indian-EVER, because, like I said, he doesn't really count, and he's pretty damn awesome. :) :) :)

P.S. Happy 18th ;)

Read More...

Summary only...

Letters to People II

Dear S,

Every Thursday after school is Concert Band rehearsal. As long as it would drag on before, interminably, it would seem, that seems like heaven compared to how I find it now. Do you find it awkward at all?

I can't help it, I know that you're there, just one row of people, seats, music stands and trumpets away. You're in my direct line of vision should I turn my head in the slightest. I see you without even meaning to.

Even when you aren't there, I remember how we would look across at each other during pauses in playing and make faces at each other, and try to tell one another the time through hand signals. I cannot help but be highly tense for hour and a half or so that the session runs.

Do you notice how, far too often, I laugh too loudly or just, too much, at an amusing remark by one of my 2nd flute companions? Do you see how sometimes my smile remains stretched across my face unnaturally because I have frozen with a memory or even just the knowledge of your presence and cannot for the life of me recall how to return to normality? Or the times when my smile is as fake as could be? Then there are all the moments whilst playiog when the pain of it strikes me and I wince, and I struggle to find my place in the music again as much for a distraction as to keep up. There are all the things I notice, and sometimes when I turn my head I see you looking at me for a split second. Those instants, when our eyes meet make me feel, I don't know what. It's a dead look, one of when you make eye contact with a stranger, awkward and meaningless, and that kills me. Because when I hear you laughing at something I still smile when I'm not paying attention, because your laugh always made me smile, because I loved your sense of humour and I loved you being happy. And then I remember, and it's like I've been hit with a house, Dorothy style.

The Wizard of Oz always reminds me of you. You always used to talk about it how the dwarf who played the munchkins hung himself on set and you could see it in that particular scene if you looked closely, and the first time I saw the movie, in Grade 9 Music, you pointed it out to me.

So many things remind me of you. We made so many plans, you, me and B, and now they will never happen, and even though a lot probably wouldn't have anyway, now they never will, for certain.

I miss the friendship we had so much. I miss you so much. You are gorgeous and amazing and your boyfriend is pretty much the luckiest guy in the world to have your love.

I think I'm losing the side of me that you guys brought out, and I really liked that part of me. You guys gave me the best advice and comfort and were the best friends I could ever ask for.

There's so much I could say, so much more I want to say, and even more that I could never put into words. How could I ever summarise those three and a half years? It seems so much longer, but then who was counting, because we thought it would last forever. It's thoughts like that that make me cringe.. I was so stupid.

And it sucks because this letter isn't really to you. If it was it would be written so differently. And if everything was right it would be bursting with how much I love you, like all those MySpace bulletins. You remember.

I love you so much. I always will.

Losing you was/is heart-breaking. I know I handled what happened in the worst way ever. I wish I had tried harder to fix things when it was still possible.
[Sacha. I need to say your name sometimes, if only to keep the memories of our friendship real, just like Jake's, just like Bec's...]
I love you. I miss you.

xoxox

Read More...

Summary only...

It's Days Like This I Want to Keep Forever

Now that my low of before (last post) is over, I'm back to the happier self I keep finding that I am, more than usual. The disappointing of others is something I hate, particularly my dad. So why is it so hard to quit the things that would make him unhappy, particularly those he doesn't yet know about? He tries so hard to help others out of situations like the ones I jump into, and it's time I start being a daughter he can be proud of. That's going to be ultra hard. Karma's gonna be a bitch when I hit parenthood.

I want moments, when I'm a parent, like that with my best friend's nephew, Devin, today. Devin is newly eight and I've spent a lot of time with him lately, some sort of unexpected benefit of spending so much time with my best friend, especially during holidays. I remember trying to teach him to swim, with my best friend, when he was five. From then to the next time I saw him, he didn't remember me. Now he'll hang out just with me all the time when I'm over, showing me the stories he's written and trying out new impersonations and chasing me around the house in a tickling war. Today, he gave me a hug when I had to leave. Does that make me feel extra special? I know I bitch about little kids all the time, and I still think of him as one, but it's kids like him that reassure me I do want my own. (Still not too keen on the pregnancy/giving birth thing, but who knows?) While sometimes he is as frustrating as anything, he's so much fun to have around. I know, it's nothing like having to look after him all the time, and there's the dreaded baby stage to get past first, but it honestly is a joy to know him. So yes, that hug made me smile a lot, in a completely non pedophile way.

He is a never ending source of laughter, including his pretending to be female and putting on a very feminine walk while proclaiming in a high sing-song voice, "I'm a lady, I'm a lady!" repeatedly, much to our hilarity, although his older brother Miguel was much disturbed. The flower stuck in his hair merely added to the comic scene.

Aside - I just picked up on 11.11 for the first time in months, I hope you too made a wish. Regardless of how superstitious you consider yourself to be, it's something fun to do. I take this as a good sign, that I haven't missed it today. (:

Devin lives with my best friend's family and his mother, although with her impending wedding early next year, that is soon to change. I hope I'll see him again. I do love my best friend's family, with Miguel, a high school P.E. teacher and DJ, and their oldest sister Claudia, Devin's mum. My best friend's twin brother has, in turn, ended up a pretty cool guy, in stark contrast to his painful primary school years. I spend enough time over at their house that, as Miguel puts it, I should be paying rent.

I miss that, with my family, that casual family camaraderie. I get along great with my sister, like I've said, and also with my dad sometimes, an occurrence that grows ever the rarer, to my sadness, and my relationship with my mum is terrible. When our family is together as a group of four, it usually ends in arguments, screaming and tears. Occasionally a good natured bickering will be the worst it gets, but I miss the days when we would properly converse as a family unit and tempers wouldn't flare so quickly. I'm partly to blame, of course. We all are. But even with all of our fighting, I love my family and I know I can rely on them when needs be.

So anyway, today. It was supposed to be spent with my best friend Kathleen, our good friend Michelle, and Jimit, who Kathleen hasn't met yet but wants to. Jimit is Michelle's ex of two years ago, and trust me, she does not have a problem with us ever getting together. Conversely, she encourages it, far too enthusiastically, speculating about a possible marriage between us in the future, and even goes so far as to mention children at times. I try to head her off before it gets this far, but that is the way she is, even when Jimit and I were simply friends. She tends to think ahead like that.

Michelle was busy and then Jimit was grounded, and so, it ended up being Kathleen and I. We had a good day. Nothing notable, but there was much laughter, much good music, much falling over, and far too much (and far too loud) singing of High School Musical in the open street. Kathleen tasted my coffee, decided she liked it, and ended up drinking half of it which I in my excitement over her liking coffee gave to her. This resulted in extreme hyperactivity on her end for the next 45 minutes and much hilarity for me. I imagine she is exactly the same when drunk, but apparently caffeine will get the same reaction and, no hangover? What could possibly be bad about this situation? Nothing. ;D We ate curried tuna from tubs in the middle of the mall and attempted to slurp melted Maxibon ice creams in the food court. There were extreme amounts of "I love you"s, "I hate you"s and "You love me"s exchanged, an obvious some in jest, and much spontaneous rhyming and over dramatising throughout the day. Good friends were bumped into and we deliberated long and hard over presents for upcoming birthdays, ice cream type, pie or water, and various items of clothing and music. We bought books and recommended more to each other, and swapping of objects took place. We were laughed at by a number of other people, and contemplated where else we may possibly apply for jobs. I even did some Maths homework while in her company.

All in all, it was essentially a good, while largely uneventful day, the details of which are not important. It was the company. I’m very lucky to have such a friend, who I have known for such a long time. Unfortunately I cannot say we have been friends as long, since for some time in our last year of primary school, we hated each other for some ridiculous reason. Together with Michelle we make an indomitable trio, and is that not the way friendships should be? After all, love conquers all, and a very real and necessary form of love is that in the bond of friendship.

Dear god did I really just get that sappy? Perhaps Nic[h?]olas fucking Sparks has infected me… Granted, I read those three or four or five of his books months and months ago, but they still haunt me today. Separately, they’re great. But back to back, I don’t think I could vomit fast enough. If I threw up over such things, that is. Seriously, guys. Do not read too many of his books. You may kill yourself over the predictability of the endings, the way a man can think so like a woman that he details the shaving of her legs in the shower [!!!] and the oh so perfect happy endings. I’m all for happy endings, but a little realism also hits the spot, y’all.

Anyhow, die Madre bids me fare the interwebs goodnight for now. I shall see thee all in the morrow.

Night xx

P.S. Pray I finish all my homework before school starts. I’m probably just going to die instead, but whatever Trevor. I am really that lame. You wish you were as cool as me ;)

P.S.S. When I mood swing only once, and only into reflections and not "oh I hate my life" emo type shit, in a day, I think this day was pretty kick ass. Apart from that one thing but srsly what the fuck man. I honestly don't get what's the big deal. Oh, maybe I'm being insensitive. I like to do that sometimes. But -_-

P.S.S. Don’t forget. ANZAC Day. Lest We Forget.

Read More...

Summary only...

"It's not the end of the world,

In fact it's not even the end of the summer,
But thank god the TV is on..."

Because I'd rather that than being with you.


I try. I do. And yet, it grows ever harder to mean what I say, when I say that.
[I love you.]
It was true, once. What happened?

And you know what, I could care less, but that's not to say that I care enough as it is. Is it worse to maintain this facade than to reveal the truth? I still care enough not to do that. For, honestly, I think the latter in this case is the more damaging course of action. And the "facade" is built with a mixture of lies, truth and half-felt emotions. Its a matter of selfishness also, and a nostalgia for the past.

I love you, like a worn out shirt that I can't quite throw out.

If I removed everything with association, you'd be third on the pile. But I think I'd steal you back at the very last second.

Half guilty, half gleeful. And keeping secrets was never such a thrill. Yet, it gets lonely when there's no one to confess them to. Silly secrets, big secrets, they all have their place. But I was never one to keep secrets, and it eats at me like it does at this blog. What happened to openness? What happened to honesty?

Can you recall naivety? Really recall?

I wonder if I've lost anything less than my soul, but then, perhaps I've lost everything less as well.

There are more questions than answers in this universe, and that's where faith comes in. Can one have faith without hope? I'd beg to differ. But no hope is better than false hope. I'll still justify my position, for without some form of hope I wouldn't be here, and until I can exchange mine for better, I'll stick with fake. A few hours of delusion never hurt; ask those who leave their sorrows at the bottom of a bottle. Deaden the pain that tells you something's wrong. Courage? What courage? I'll take my courage from a shot glass.

I use your words in placement of the blades I once dragged across my skin. You wouldn't want it but I'm all too eager to take them, for nothing is worse.

I've become the one you try to help, what you tried to warn me against, but only behind your back. I'm a disappointment enough as it is, yes? I take in much more than you'd think, but it's yet another case of '"I'm sorry" isn't enough'. I'd ask for forgiveness but I think that's more than I deserve, although you'd tell me otherwise. It's different in context, is it not? That bitterness keeps you up at night, although the parallels aren't as clear to you as they are to me. Is this a part of His plan? Because I know as well as you that only one other wanted this. All things work for the good of those... I'm not one of those, but you are. So where is the goodness here? I'm not doubting, but questioning. It is not my place, but what can I say? It is not so much your answers I want, but your comfort.

All I want is my own happy ending, and I don't even need a prince and castle.

Okay, my ramblings are over, for now. Take a guess as to what is addressed to whom, if you so wish. I can bet you won't guess correctly, or at least, not a hundred percent.

Night. xx

P.S. The anger and the hurt only stems from all this confusion, that "just tumbled from a washing machine" feeling.

Read More...

Summary only...

"It's funny, but you never think much about breathing. Until it's all you ever think about."

We come across many, many people as we walk through life.

Out of those we make an impression on, how long does that last?

Out of those we make a connection with, how long do we keep that flourishing?

Do we let the special ones go sometimes? Make no mistake, it is all too easy to do this, and I don't even have them in my mind here, although it applies there also.

I miss so many people. Justin, in particular. I've let myself fall completely apart to him over the time I've known him so often, and he has always been there to comfort me. I miss him. He's special. He's such an amazing person, ask anyone who knows him. I'm so lucky to know him...

If you have such people in your lives, or anyone really, that is special to you, don't take them for granted. Especially family. They are so easy to underappreciate,, just because they are always there. They're like air, water. Until we are without them we don't realise how much we need them.

Read More...

Summary only...

Sometimes, words fail.

Or maybe it is not the words that fail, but our ability to use them.

I stand by my belief that while forgiveness is the hardest thing sometimes, it is the most personally rewarding if it can be done. If you can let it be done.

Not being able to forgive just makes things worse. for you.

Just sayin'.

I love you and this sucks. I hope it gets better, somehow.

Read More...

Summary only...

Oh yah, it's Easter. Happy Easter and all that crap

So I was all like, I really want to blog this Sunday night on Easter, since it's been a few days. I racked my brains for hours (or the minutes in between episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Yes, I have that little of a life. Although, I am killing time till I go out, so there.) However, my brain isn't really a fountain of ideas at the best of times. So as I started this post with literally nothing to write about, I mentioned Avatar, and because I am a kind and good person, gave you a link for those of you who are curious. Now, what site did I link you to? The official website for this show, which there must be because everything has a website now? Hell no.

The link leads to the freaking Wikipedia article about it. Now, we've all been told by respective teachers and god knows who else that Wikipedia cannot be trusted. In fact, most sources on the internet "are not reliable". But come on, does anyone really believe that? I mean, everything on this blog is a hundred percent true. ;) Hmmm. Let me think about that.

No, no, actually, I think that is correct. Except those times when I write stuff and say "That was a lie" right after it... Yeah.

On a side note, I think it's pretty cool that my blog is getting hits from faraway places like South Africa, Spain and Brazil. From people who are actually reading and spending a number of their minutes of their life actually reading what I have to say. When seriously, what I have to say is... well, a whole lot of nothing, really.

Hmmm, anyway. So, Wikipedia. If you're like me, you've edited a Wikipedia post yourself, adding a whole lot of crap. The ex best friend showed me a post that had been mangled hilariously once, and come on, it's a lot of fun. And yet, we still trust what we read there! Unless, I hope, it has been obviously edited...

We are slaves to the interwebs. I, in particular, am slave to the blogosphere. I cannot part from it for long, even if I am not posting, or even commenting, but merely lurking. Yes, I lurk. I know.

I'm kind of obsessed with the Death Cab For Cutie song I have playing on my blog. That said, I am aware that music that automatically plays on any site is irritating as shit and anyone who causes it to happen besides the love of my life aka MySpace, which I have sadly been parted from for far too long, should be shot in the head... So shoot me.

I'll delete it soon, I swear.

Anyway, off to Movie Marathon it up or some shit my best friend and I haven't actually worked out yet but are trying to and failing because she is trying to make me make a decision from our one option. We only have ONE option, how can I not make a decision? I guess I'm just not willing to commit.

Which reminds me, Chris and I have pretty much broken up. Much hurrays and also much boos. Pro number one - Jimit is now friend with benefits again hellz yeah. I mean sure, we only hook up so perhaps friends with benefits isn't the right definition, but w/e. Okay I'm trying to look at/on the bright side and I suck, but I am actually happy about that which was one of the major downsides, in my view, of going out with Chris. I'm a terrible person.

I suck at life aha. Good night interwebs.

EDIT: What the shit is it about Easter that makes people say peeps? Not one, but two bloggers happen to have posted today using "peeps" in the title of their post. Yes, only two. But come on, it's not a common word... Just go with me on this one kayy?

Read More...

Summary only...