You used to love me. I wonder, do you remember that? At all?
Okay, so I've kept the topic away from this for a while now. But it's hitting me, again, so forgive me for my blogging about it, again.
I hate how you've gone. And I hate how I had just barely accepted we weren't going to be friends anymore and then you start talking to me again. I want all or nothing. This is like David all over again. But so much worse. Because we weren't best friends and it never hurt like this. We were close, yes. I thought about him a lot, yes. But it was not the same.
This just brings the pain back so much worse.
It feels like someone threw a brick at my stomach, like I was punched in the guts. Not the pain of being stabbed, the clean, sharp pain focused on one point; but a blunt pain that hits everywhere.
I am still left gasping for breath at unexpected moments. I still get the dreams. I still feel faint with the pain of how much I miss you, and I still hate how much I want you back. I want our friendship back, just as it was. And I'm scared that's not possible. I thought I had quenched that want to a sustainable level, I'd accepted it wasn't going to happen.
But those few words we exchanged are making me hope again; for a day it was pure, heady hope burning through my veins, I knew it was reckless, dangerous, but I couldn't stop it and I didn't want to.
And I'm dying all over again.
I miss you, so much.