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Sunday, December 21, 2008

Once upon a time...

You used to love me. I wonder, do you remember that? At all?

Okay, so I've kept the topic away from this for a while now. But it's hitting me, again, so forgive me for my blogging about it, again.

I hate how you've gone. And I hate how I had just barely accepted we weren't going to be friends anymore and then you start talking to me again. I want all or nothing. This is like David all over again. But so much worse. Because we weren't best friends and it never hurt like this. We were close, yes. I thought about him a lot, yes. But it was not the same.

This just brings the pain back so much worse.

It feels like someone threw a brick at my stomach, like I was punched in the guts. Not the pain of being stabbed, the clean, sharp pain focused on one point; but a blunt pain that hits everywhere.

I am still left gasping for breath at unexpected moments. I still get the dreams. I still feel faint with the pain of how much I miss you, and I still hate how much I want you back. I want our friendship back, just as it was. And I'm scared that's not possible. I thought I had quenched that want to a sustainable level, I'd accepted it wasn't going to happen.

But those few words we exchanged are making me hope again; for a day it was pure, heady hope burning through my veins, I knew it was reckless, dangerous, but I couldn't stop it and I didn't want to.

And I'm dying all over again.

I miss you, so much.


  1. aww Toivoa. What's going on between you and your friends?

  2. hah it's been a few months now, i never actually wrote about the specifics on here, but i don't really have the energy to explain it right now, here are a couple links to previous posts if you want..




    and this post, where you can skip the first few paragraphs, and start from "Moving on."

    I don't think I ever actually explained what happened in any of those points, probably because I don't really know.
    But, yeah. Oh and I got your interview questions, thanks (:
    I am working on them ;P

  3. yeah i overreact to stuff a lot, but, i dunno.

  4. I don't know what happened. Maybe you will work it out. Maybe not. Sometimes people leave our lives and it hurts but life goes on. You go on and you make new friends.
    I hope you do work it out though.

  5. I know, it still sucks for now though =/
    Thanks, needless to say but me too ;P

  6. (This is going to be my turn at leaving a long comment. Be forewarned!)

    I am feeling in a crap mood these days, to be honest with you, L******. I couldn't quite see what word you've used the most in your labels for your whole blog, but I scrolled up and sure enough, it's 'friends'. It goes to show how unpredictable and how daunting friendship can be. Friends confuse you, scare you, annoy you and do, say, think and feel things that can hurt you, disturb you or make you look at things in a much darker way. I'm sure if you skim through my personal blog, you will find that I complain quite a lot about my friends too.

    Friends are like that. Even the one that I consider to be my closest does nothing but confuse me and make me feel isolated. I have several inconclusive theories that I try to use to explain friendship. The plain and simple hypothesis is: people are different, so a relationship between two people must always be worked at to reach better realms of friendship.

    I don't claim this is the 'right' approach to friendship, but I have made a resolution for myself concerning friendship now. I am in my final year of high school and I am leaving Hong Kong in the summer of 2009 to university. I have been to three different high schools in these seven years and I have found so many people that could've, would've, should've been friends for life. Time and time again, though, I find myself hurt, I find myself disappointed, I find myself feeling lonely. It makes me doubt my own character, it makes me feel pathetic, repulsive, like there's something wrong with me.

    Recently, though, I asked my mother, my social worker (I got one since the age of two when my parents got a divorce) and other adults that were close to me. They told me that I would grow out of this whole teenage need to be popular and have friends. I fed my friends this feedback and I couldn't believe it when they told me:

    The reason I had trouble finding the 'right' friends was because they were too immature and that I had done nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing wrong.

    So, as I mentioned earlier, I made a resolution (which I believe will take effect when the new year comes). I'm going to stop trying to find friendship. I will wait until I leave to university...

    With regards to your problem, have you found a way to cope yet? Have you found a resolution? Even though the above is what I'm doing for me doesn't mean that you should stop trying, though, especially if you'll be spending a lot more time with your friends. I don't know what advice to give you because I don't know the details and I don't know what it's like.

    I can tell you miss him, though. I would recommend the typical: distract your mind with school, family, TV and books. You'll find that it's more beneficial. I just hope you have good self-discipline...

    Now, others would say (also typically) that you should 'stop thinking so much'. I never say that to anyone, because reflection and searching for solutions is a good, good thing. What I do advise is that you make sure you are thinking constructively. Thinking about problems or the past so that you can productively conjure up solutions to move to the future. Don't mope, don't grieve, don't yearn.

    Yikes, I'm talking very dictatory. Sorry.

    I'm going to stop now. I'll wait for a reply, perhaps?


    P.S. (I don't know if you got my reply comment on my blog, but you were concerned with me using your real name because it might expose you to your real-life acquaintances. I can address you by another name, if you'd like. You choose. It's your comfort I'm concerned about.)

  7. aww thanks Michael, yeahh I don't mind if you use my name in responses to comments etc on your blog, but just not on mine, I need to go back through my old posts and change all of that still ugh
    it's 1.40 AM here so i'm sorry but i'm going to consider your words more closely at something like a reasonable hour, i've been up really late the past couple of nights and i think i need some sleep ;P
    sorry =/
    but thanks heaps for the comment, it's definitely got a lot to think about in it
    i think i need to catch up on your latest posts too, i'll read them but comment later as well

  8. Unfortunately people will continue to come and go from your life. I am also a person who is bad with change, but I have found that it is an inescapable fact. Sometimes these things happen and we don't understand it initially but a few years down the road - you might be able to see things a little clearer.