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Monday, January 12, 2009

At what point does "I don't want to live" become "I want to die"? I've felt the first way before, but never reached the latter.

Make no mistake, they are different.

I'd write more but I'm emotionally exhausted. I may add more later.
Posted by Toivoa ja Elämän at 4:33 PM
Labels: , , ,

8 comments:

  1. Gerry HatrićJanuary 12, 2009 at 6:26 PM

    In a weird sense the latter is more positive than the former because it involves action.

    Both are very serious though. Living is either a stupendous fluke or a gift from God. Either way we have an obligation I think: to live, and to live well.

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  2. Toivoa ja ElämänJanuary 12, 2009 at 6:37 PM

    I think both are terrible things, but not that wanting to die means you will necessarily act on it.
    I believe that life should be lived as well, and that everyone can make it through life, no matter how tough it is. It can get too hard for some, but that's because they have lost hope, have lost meaning, motivation. And that is a terrible thing.
    But as long as a person is still alive, there is still hope. Something, someone may be able to reach them and help them understand.
    For if there is not purpose to living, no point, then really, we're all wasting our time. If we never find this purpose, even if we don't decide to check out early, then I think we have wasted our time. I have a definite idea of a purpose and yet I have never reached for it, never employed it...
    It is a little strange when you think about it.

    I know sometimes I think like a stubborn little child, with, "It's too hard. It never gets better. I didn't even ask to be alive so why should I have to go through all of this?? I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it..." But that changed nothing.

    Ehhh my thinking is rather fragmented today, forgive me.

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  3. Gerry HatrićJanuary 12, 2009 at 7:13 PM

    I have bouts of depression where everything just seems too hard. Then I think of what how my departure might affect those who love me and I usually snap out of it. For me its all about focus. If the focus is on me, the direction is down, if the focus is on others, the direction is up. True happiness is found in the process of making others happy. Learning this little by little every day.

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  4. Toivoa ja ElämänJanuary 12, 2009 at 7:21 PM

    It's so easy to be selfish... When I try to stop myself being selfish, it comes out in the things I do without even realising. My need to feel loved, which I talked about a little a few posts back, yesterday, means I do things, sometimes to see if people care, to see if they care about me. I don't mean to. But it's a reason I don't even notice.
    My self harm was partly to do with that...
    I hate it so much.
    But I'm trying.

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  5. Gerry HatrićJanuary 12, 2009 at 7:29 PM

    Its worth trying, little steps at a time, and with lots of grace when you get it wrong (which WILL happen). I'm not one to preach, but for me God was a big part of this process.

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  6. Toivoa ja ElämänJanuary 12, 2009 at 8:00 PM

    Mmm. People who talk to me on the topic of God tend to wonder how I'm not a christian. I know all the reasoning, the way it works, it makes sense to me and I agree with it completely. My dad thinks I'm just stubborn. Someone else at my church thinks it's to rebel against my parents. I don't even know half of my reasons; I have many. I think in the end, it comes down to that, simply, I don't know how.
    I know the whole "repent of your sins and believe Jesus died for you blah blah" I've grown up with that. I've been memorising verses of scripture since I was three, quite literally.
    But something gets lost between that and me. I don't know what it is.

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  7. JubilexJanuary 12, 2009 at 9:42 PM

    Now that I think about it, they are different.

    I've had many "I don't want to live" moments.
    But each and every one of mine has stemmed from cowardice. Fear of hurting.

    I have always been one to believe in life and living. Which is why I freaked out when I first realised what I was thinking.

    Interesting post, it's got me thinking.

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  8. Gerry HatrićJanuary 14, 2009 at 6:26 PM

    I know just what you mean, it does that to me too. I believe its real, but something about me struggles to make a connection the way others seem to. I find John's gospel and the Psalms helpful. You're not stubborn if you want to believe but can't. God has some sort of obligation to help out. "Seek with all your heart and you will find."

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