Alone in the dark, once again. Less alone or more alone? Think back one year exactly, fast forward twenty-four hours. Different room. Same house. And all I had for company blood, pain and a glint of silver in the black of the room. Less alone or more alone?
Think back, think back, when all I had for company was the pain and the blade and the blood. The fierce anger to go deeper, deeper, to unleash that torrent of red. Less alone or more alone?
Is it nights like these that bring it back, suppressed desires for blood? For the anger and bitterness and the loss of reason, loss of reality, loss of pain? More pain to lose that which was already there. Deeper, deeper. Wounds to match both inside and out, maskinglosingovertaking. Less alone or more alone?
Desperate need to lose myself forget myself, drag deeper. Flesh torn roughjaggedraw, the deeper to lose myself. Without escape now does that make me
less alone or more alone?
I think it's the silence and the dark and the way
That I could be alone in the world.
Still alive still around? Talk to me, I need to see that you're still around. Emptiness pressing and no way to forget; where am I left now, less alone or more alone?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Depths of Loneliness
Thursday, April 23, 2009
"It's funny, but you never think much about breathing. Until it's all you ever think about."
We come across many, many people as we walk through life.
Out of those we make an impression on, how long does that last?
Out of those we make a connection with, how long do we keep that flourishing?
Do we let the special ones go sometimes? Make no mistake, it is all too easy to do this, and I don't even have them in my mind here, although it applies there also.
I miss so many people. Justin, in particular. I've let myself fall completely apart to him over the time I've known him so often, and he has always been there to comfort me. I miss him. He's special. He's such an amazing person, ask anyone who knows him. I'm so lucky to know him...
If you have such people in your lives, or anyone really, that is special to you, don't take them for granted. Especially family. They are so easy to underappreciate,, just because they are always there. They're like air, water. Until we are without them we don't realise how much we need them.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Marks of Madness,
Or perhaps, Signs of a Journey.
I've been considering my scars, again. The main ones run the length of my arm, on the pale flesh of my forearm, on the right side. In certain lights, at certain angles, the thinnest, thread-like scars, barely visible, further to the left than any of the others, can be seen.
I have burn scars on my shin, on both of my hands, and scars from cuts from my hips up over my stomach up to where my bra ends, as well as on my leg, but it is these scars on my arm that best represent, to me, the time of my self-harm.
I hate that term; "self-harm". It speaks nothing of the emotional intensity of the action, the convoluted depths of such a thing, but simplifies it to a point of such insignificance that I feel utterly ridiculous in saying that I once engaged in it. There's so much more.
I have approximately fifty-seven scars due to self-inflicted wounds. In those times, I'd been told that I would regret this later, this thing I was doing, if only for the scars that would be left. But even then, I knew this could not be so. They were a part of me, they were a sign of something. They symbolised something for me, a time, an emotion, a reflection of who I was at those moments. They told a sort of story, screamed something important and in need of remembrance, like any good tattoo. Scars have always fascinated me, on any person. They testify to something, and like as not, there are interesting stories attached; of childhood misadventure and impulsive attempts, of tragedy. These scars of mine are my sign of my self value and a time of darkness I went through, my "marks of madness", faded now, but still present, lingering. A madness that rears its head every so often, raging against its imprisonment, its abandonment in change for better things, a better way; beguiling and tempting, alluring. Desperate for a comeback.
My scars still itch and hurt occasionally, just a little. I take comfort from this, for this means that they are still healing; they will fade yet more in time, just as I am healing. It is a slow process, but I am learning my own value and it is an amazing, astounding thing. How do I explain just how I revel in this ongoing discovery that I am worth so much and have so much to give? It brings me to silence at times. I am loved and, more than that, I am loved for a reason. This love from others no longer bewilders me quite so much. There is a reason for my life; I am not just some sort of mistake on God's part, some mishap that defies my view of God's perfection, which struggles with my belief of every single person’s value. My friends are amazing and not somehow deluded, somehow believing a massive lie that I am actually worthy of their love. Are any of us worthy of love? Let’s face it; we’re all pretty fucked up, in some way. The wonder of it all is that in spite of this, we are loved. It is in being loved that we become worthy of it. On our own, I do not think that many of us are deserving of being loved. Really. But we are loved. And that makes us worthy of it, for it is so. What a confusing concept, but I believe it, and I love what it means.
I began to ramble, didn’t I? It was bound to happen.
I love how my scars signify the self hatred that was once there. For, in that they are scars, that they are not fresh injuries, not growing in number, they are a sign of my growing beyond that, to embracing something brighter, something, as I said, that is better. Far better. They are a sign that what was once all too present, overshadowing, is now in the past. It doesn’t attempt to hide what has been, but shows forth the reality that this thing, this time did exist. It acknowledges that, but points to something else. A new chapter.
It is worth remembering, where I was in contrast to where I have reached, and I can look back to that past self and tell her that she was right, that this was merely a storm which would pass, that she would get through it and emerge stronger for it, that that faint spark in the darkness was really a light shining, sunlight that she would reach.
My scars tell a story, that what I felt was real and true and it shouldn’t be played down; it was big and it mattered and it is something that will remain a part of me, but in a good way, for I’ve learned from it all. And I love that.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I still struggle with the urge to hurt myself. It hasn't come on particularly strong in ages, which I am grateful for, but the other day I was a bit disturbed when the thought passed through my mind that I should, for no conceivable reason apart from that I wanted to.
[WARNING: this is a description of my past self harm and quite likely highly disturbing for a lot of you]
I've mentioned this before, I do get some sort of perverse pleasure from it, and am in some strange way slightly gratified by the spilling of my own blood. But then sometimes I want to do it for the sheer violence, to be able to take out my frustration and confusion and anger on something, to hack and destroy. Do you know what a sausage looks like when it has been overcooked and the skin spits, with the inside being peeled towards the outside, ripped and exposed? Sometimes I want to grab a blade and do that to myself.
And now I sound like a psychopath.
But truth be told, I could never do that anyway.
I could never strike in violence and without premeditation; a lot of the time I had to wait till the family were safely in bed before I could unleash my hurt, and as such, I planned everything. I would imagine where I would cut, and I would do it slowly, drawing out the pain, and then reworking it, going over it to make the cut deeper, the pain worse, the blood flow stronger. Of course, there were times where I would slash; some of the faint scars on my stomach are from that, but the brief sting of that was never enough for me.
The times of panic were most scary, I never thought I'd bleed to death, but I was scared that it would be bad enough that my parents would have to know, or that I would pass out, or something. And their finding out was what I dreaded most.
Things like this never really leave you, I think. They stay with you and resurface when you are not on guard. I don't want to give in but sometimes it's tempting. I can't explain the adrenalin rush it brings.
Satisfaction? Not so much. I would try to convince myself that it did something, but for me it grew to be less about the pain. I found the satisfaction in the blood pouring from me, flowing, sticky, staining; faster than I could mop it up. I loved that and I can't tell you why, but it made me feel better. It felt uncontrolled and somewhat wild, out of my hands. I found it fascinating, and it bore no room for other thought in my mind.
A distraction of the best kind.
The pain was part of it too, the pain that was better than feeling the hurt inside me, the harsh words or my own loneliness; that brewed and swelled and threatened to explode, but, vengefully, viciously, never did. This was my release.
There are approximately three reasons why self harm occurs, if you look at the research. They are true. To have a sense of control, as a cry for help, a way of expressing internal pain, and one other I forget. A cry for help and expressing internal pain are usually intertwined. I identify with all of these reasons.
The thing is, if you know others who self harm, it can become a competition; as to who can do the worst damage. When you see that another has done so much worse, you feel pressured because i seems like your pain is less than theirs, but it's as bad; this pain is so terrible. And so you feel like you need to go further, to prove this. It's largely subconscious, this; underlying.
And sometimes, inexplicably, I want back in.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Hi, I'm Toivoa and I want to save the world
Really.
Yes, I did switch back to "Toivoa", I'm a little attached now and besides, I've had the encouragement from a couple of my blogging friends to do so, since they also like it. It may change again at a later date, but for now, I remain Toivoa.
I wish I had the power to make everyone happy. But more than that, I wish I could make things right for everyone. As I've come to realise, being happy doesn't mean that what is causing this is right, and, in the long term, can cause more damage than good. More often than not, what is right is painful, and hard, and sometimes we do not see the reward even in this life. But it should be done because it is right. You may say that I see the world in black and white, but I do see the many shades of grey. However, on some things, there are only two options. I do not believe that truth is relative. If we say that Santa is real, if we believe that Santa is real, that does not change the fact that he is real. In the times of believing the earth was flat, it was still round. If we believed that we should give way to our left rather than our right here in Australia, the road rules remain the same and we would be screwed... If we believe we should kill someone for such and such a reason, that does not mean we are right, no matter how it is justified in our minds (and I hope none of my readers believe they should kill anyone, that's a little bit disturbing...) Yeah, I don't understand where I come up with half of my examples either.
Anyway, I believe you can see the point I am trying to make.
What makes this so much more confusing is how right and wrong are often mixed in together. In the bible study I am dragged along to on Sundays by my parents (please note the use of the word "dragged", this is not of my choosing by any stretch of the imagination), we have just looked at how Satan does this. I brought this point up actually. (Ironically, I'd be a great Christian if we based such things on biblical knowledge in regards to age; I'm pretty well informed, for my age. I also have been memorising verses of Scripture literally since the time I could speak sentences. But we'll see.) What is done, though, time and time again, is a lie wrapped in with the truth, or a shred of truth woven through a lie. Of course, ultimately, this whole thing is untrue, but what is so horribly devious about this is how we can see the truth there...
I had learnt this myself, that in lying to my parents, if it was to be as believable as possible, I should make it as truthful I could. For instance, if I was going to hang out just with a guy, I'd say that I was going with them, but also with at least one other girl or a few more people.
That's why knowing what the right thing is, in so many cases, so hard to figure out. Life isn't black and white, it's full of different shades, and we haven't even mentioned the colours!
One thing I struggle with majorly is the verse in Scripture that states that "the heart of man is deceitful above all things". To say that we are liars at the core of our beings is something I am not reconciled with. I always search for the good in people, that is why, even in the majority of terrible people, I find a justification of their actions, however slight; at least understanding the reasons why they have done such a thing, what may have pushed them to do so. I take away the blame from them even just a little, because I believe that there is good in everyone, because I am highly sympathetic. But is that really true? I'm not sure. (Look, I'm a teenager. And I'm admitting to not being sure about something... I must be learning to temper my pride... Hah oh GOD I need some more coffee. Or sleep.)
Believing the best of everyone isn't a good thing. It can lead to being easily deceived. Gullible, as some would say. I am very gullible. I forgive countless times; and David springs to mind here. Liar liar liar screams an inner voice nearly every time I talk to him these days, but there are numerous times beforehand when I have ignored that voice and trusted him once more.
I believe that forgiveness is very important, but it doesn't mean that one must trust the person again, for that can be foolish. [I should take my own words on board here.]
I am more cynical than I once was, but I do still take people at face value, I do trust people too easily. It is the opposite of mistrusting everyone, but it is not the better of the two, a balance is needed. While I hate the sound of the word "prudence", in itself is something I need to gain. This will only come with time and experience, I think...
Anyway, I have a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her, more than once, with his ex girlfriend. Not just a hook up, but they slept together, several times, behind her back. He also had considered suicide and faced depression blah, all that jazz, and I had discussed these with him a couple of times while said friend was favourably disposed towards him, aka when they were still a couple. Even when she hated him, and rightly so, I still kinda felt sorry for him... Please don't hurt me, you, his thankfully ex-girlfriend! See, I sympathise with people too easily...
I just wish I could help every person who is upset, I hate to see people upset, and I hate to be helpless and unable to make them feel better, at the least. I would give anything to be able to do this for people...
[Yeah that ^^^ was pretty much the original point of this post but it's kinda flat, I had someone distracting me and I was trying not to cry... I'm sensitive to being guilt tripped, like I said recently, even if it's as a joke, and I'm actually really upset at the moment lol. Don't ask.]
Yeah anyway, you know that coffee I mentioned? Considering my last was an hour ago, I really need to take myself up on that suggestion. Face it. Admit it or not, you love my early morning ramblings in which I try to sound mature and pass off my sixteen years of experience as tried and tested and set in stone realisations about life, managing only to show that sleep helps to bring down the random tangents and possibly even lend structure to my writing, which is why I should possibly indulge in a little more of it...
Or perhaps I should just stop here.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I fear you the most, more than anything else
I fear you more than death, for you are that which brings fear to death, to the end. The End? That depends on what you choose. And on what is real. I know what I believe about it. And right now, that means it is the end for me. Although an end would be much more merciful.
But this is not about death. Death would be nothing if it didn't factor in you.
How do I explain the mindless terror that strikes as I imagine you? How is it that you arrive at any time you will, coldly? How are you so inescapable? Is there no sanctuary from your dreadful grasp on my soul? How do you capture me even as I am surrounded by those I am loved by?
You follow me everywhere, closer than a shadow. Sometimes you cloak yourself, hidden for a time, but if I look closely, I can find you right where you were when I last noticed. You are manifest in my dreams. Is there nowhere I am to be rid of you?
Alone, alone, alone. It is a chant that echoes painfully through my heart, resounding in the empty halls of my soul. Its truth rings out undeniably. But how am I alone? How, alone, when I live with other people all around? In the midst of my family and closest friends, at times I still feel it; the loneliness. Like a disease I was born with. So far progressed, it is near impossible to be removed. No matter how many relationships I form with others, the feeling of "alone" still persists. If I search, I understand. Something is missing. Someone, perhaps?
I am unique. There is no one like me. How many times have we all been told that? It seems to be thrown at us endlessly at school, etc. I want to be special, I want to be me. With no one else the same. But how lonely, to be someone who is not understood by anyone else, because of my uniqueness, because of how different we are from each other. If we very completely unique we would all be very alone. And it is not just I who fears being alone. Do not most of us fear this too?
And yet, how terrible would it be to be just the same as everyone else? How boring? That is not a conceivable option either. Not for me.
Thankfully being unique does not entail being that different from each other. The way I see it, every different side of it, every different belief will be the same as at least one other person in the world, apart from perhaps minor details. But no one person will have all the same parts and ideas as another, we all have similarities to different people. I have "this" in common with so and so, and "that" in common with whatshisface. Both she and I think the same about "yada yada" and I share a mutual interest with, that girl, that one, you know...
I love this idea, that we are the same and yet completely different to each other. We think differently, act differently, experience different events, believe different things. But I think if we look closely enough, we could find something in common with us and every other person we meet. We all have emotions. We all have been hurt. We all, once at least, had dreams and ambitions, plans. We all have fears. We all have weaknesses. None of us are perfect. And I believe that in all of us, there is this emptiness, this feeling of "alone" that is crying out to be filled. We may not even realise it, it may lie hidden, but active. We may try to fill it with any number of things.
I believe all of us need relationships to thrive. I believe we all need love. Interaction is something we need. When we are hurt from relationships, we can become bitter and turn away. We can stop believing in love. We can run from love. But why do we do this? Because we have been mistreated by those who are supposed to have loved us, we have loved and not had a reciprocation of this love, we may have lost those who we love. In any case, when we flee from love, it is to avoid pain. But if we don't love, then that pain wouldn't be possible (I did say this recently). Whether we believe in love or not, it is there. Invisible, inaudible; you can't taste it or touch it, you can't smell it. It's indescribable in all it's many forms. And yet, it exists, regardless if you accept that or not.
"There is no greater gift than a place to belong. While it may seem that you're selling out to admit you need people, the irony is that you'll never really know yourself unless you're in a healthy community. We only truly come to know ourselbes in the context of others. The more isolated and disconnected we are, the more shattered and distorted our self-identity. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry #17 - Do You Know Who You Are?", I cannot be bothered with proper referencing kthnxbai)"
How could we know if we are selfish or generous unless around others? How do we know if we are self-centred, or kind to others? Who do we have to care about but ourselves? We are influenced by our families as we grow, we look at other people's values and beliefs about life to see if we find they agree with us, and either take them on board or dismiss them, deciding our own that are different. If we have no one to be different from, than we lose our uniqueness. We just are. Just one. We are the norm. We have nothing to compare and contrast against. We are alone. My soul cringes back at the thought of that.
"When we live outside of healthy community, we not only lose others, but we lose ourselves. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry #17 - Do You Know Who You Are?")"
When we treat each other with value, when we care for each other, when we love, we experience the presence of God. More powerful than any data or doctrine, love is the proof of God our souls long for...
"You cannot live without love, and you do not have to.
Yes, there is an insanity to love. You will go mad in pursuing it.
You will despise life itself if you do not find it.
Your soul craves love and will find satisfaction with nothing less.
You shouldn't be surprise that you look for love, you keep running into God...
Love can't be stopped.
Grief is proof that love prevails over death.
You cannot kill love.
I'm not talking about the pervasive counterfeits we often call love. But the kind that fables like The Princess Bride speak of -'true love'. The kind of love that lasts beyond life, that does not end in death, that fills you when you breathe deeply of it and wounds you when you lose it. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. God is love, and he is everywhere.
Love is the essence of the cosmos. Love is the ethos of God. ("Soul Cravings", Erwin Raphael McManus, "Intimacy: Entry 20 - Like A Kiss on the Face")
I don't want to be alone. I wasn't meant to be alone. None of us were...
So many questions.
Postscript - Apologies to those who dislike discussing love. ;p
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"This love has taken its toll on me"
Why have I been awake since 5 AM? A dream. A dream so ridiculously realistic I (for the first time) didn't know where I was when I woke. I tried writing about it, but it didn't seem right. So I shall try again later.
Acceptance. I desperately, obviously, pathetically long for acceptance. I thought that was more of a particular need of mine, and the way I go about feeling wanted and needed is most certainly not common to everyone. However, I have been reading a book called "Soul Cravings" by Erwin Raphael McManus. It, essentially, looks at the three things that we as humans desire most, at the core of our beings, and attempt to find throughout life. It looks at our "quest for love, quest for destiny, and a quest for meaning". The part on love, at least, is brilliant.
I have skipped to "meaning" and it's not so great for now. But love. It's amazing how much of what has been writing in this section are ideas I have thought, expressed; or if not, resonated within me as something incredibly true. I have begun to understand just a little more of why I do the things I do.
I am an attention seeker. I know I am, however much I hate it. I don't ask for attention in entirely overt ways, but you can see it in the things I do. I don't want to ask for attention, as such, because that would be beside the point for me. Which point?
I have a desperate need to feel loved, wanted, needed. I hate how needy I am. But doesn't everyone need this, after all? Perhaps they don't feel it so consciously as I, but deep within us all, we desire others to value us. We need to be needed. It validates us. It makes our lives meaningful. Of course, there are other things that also give our lives meaning, and we can't live without meaning either; but relationships are a necessary part of humanity. You can deny it, but we are relational creatures.
We may turn our backs on this need, seek to isolate ourselves from everyone else, saying that we don't need anyone else. But why do we do this? Because we have been hurt by others. Which can only happen when we care about others, when we have relationships with others. When we feel the pain is too much to take, we can easily turn away. But turning away doesn't remove our need for others. We were made to be together, to interact, to love. There is an emptiness that comes from somewhere inside us, when there is something of love we are missing.
We abuse love, mistake love, throw away love, ignore and forget love; but at the end of the day, if we don't have love, what do we have?
"The great danger of giving up on love is that we begin to give in to hate. A place where there is no love is toxic to the soul.
When we love, we are moved toward forgiveness.When we allow hate to take over, we begin to live for vengeance."
A life lived in hatred is not my idea of life. It seems like a life where something essential has died, leaving a blackness, a deadness. Forgiveness is important to me. Not forgiveness in which we continue allow ourselves to be hurt. But forgiveness where we accept what another, or we, have done to ourselves or others, acknowledge the hurt, but let it go. It is one of the hardest things to accomplish, forgiving someone who has truly hurt us. And yet, one of the best things we can do in our lives. Sometimes forgiveness just doesn't come in one hit. And it's not always a one off act. You may need to forgive one act, one person, continually. Every minute, every hour, every day, you may wake up and have to forgive. Letting go of pain doesn't come about that easily. But in the end it is the best course to take.
Love is abused.
"Love isn't about volume. Love isn't about conquest. When we live like this [talking about "womanisers"], there's something deeper going on inside us that we're trying to ignore, even drown out. We are alone, disconnected, and deficient in love. Deep down inside we know we cannot fill the vacuum within our souls by consuming people. We are not only robbing others, we are pillaging our own souls.
Eventually it hits you: you cannot take love; you have to give it. Love is a gift that cannot be stolen".
We crave love, and I can see this in my own life, in the lives of people around me, in the writings of people I don't even know.
"How can you make sense of a person who moves from one relationship to another, making her body the object of another's pleasure of abuse, except to acknowledge the painful reality that human beings fear almost nothing more than being alone [On women in abusive relationships]?"
Love is an endless topic and I have much to say; the idea of such a mixture is somewhat terrifying, but it is 6.53 in the morning and I would like some sleep before church. So there will be a part two, I'm sure you're looking forward to it. ^_^ lol.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
Anais Nin
Friday, January 2, 2009
Hello 2009
So it's a new year. I want it to feel different. I want to feel different. We're in a different state but it could be just another day in 2008. And yesterday, it was. Maybe the day before actually, is it past 12? I can't be bothered checking the time, but probably.
I've never been incredibly keen on birthdays. But one thing I really hate is how it never feels any different. Perhaps I place too much stock on feelings. And yet, every year, on my birthday, when some adult jovially says, "It doesn't feel any different, does it?", I reply with "no", because I never expected to feel any different, it's just another day, I'm just another day older than the year before. But I still wish something would change. Sure, things do change. Hit sixteen in Australia and you can apply for your Learner's License. Seventeen and you can legally have sex. Eighteen and you can buy alcohol, must vote, and would be tried as an adult in a court of law. According to law, you are an adult at eighteen. But who is the law to say?
Different people reach the point of maturity people would call adulthood at different times. Some may never even reach it. But years, ages, they're all just numbers, that essentially, don't really mean that much.
I woke up today and I still have the same feelings, I still miss my best friends and want them back, I still worry about my sister and want her to be happy and instead see her desperately sad; and feel helpless knowing that I can't do anything to help, hoping time will help, and less time rather than more, but knowing that with her self value, time may make it worse (post on that coming soon); I still know that I am selfish in too many ways, I still determine to change that each morning but forget in the space of a few minutes, I still hate my weight, I still try to decide if I like what I see in the mirror, I still get angry at mum and lose my temper too easily... So much is the same but I guess the idea of the New Year is that a new time has begun, an ending of the period before, when really, time continues on endlessly, relentlessly; and as such a new chance has presented itself for us. To make better on the time gone, to move past our mistakes, to go forward. Is that what the New Year is for?
Keeping times and dates is all well and good, we mark the events in our lives by these things, but if we allow ourselves to be ruled by the clock, then that is something I feel is somewhat wrong. We should note time, appreciate time, understand that we have a time to fit everything in, that we do not last forever, but I think if we rush to fit things into a schedule just to get everything done within a time frame, then we can make a great mistake. Don't get me wrong, schedules are a good idea, for work and such; but if we try to plan our personal lives in a way that we must cram family and people into spaces that are left by the essentials such as work and sleep, we can end up just trying to allot them a slice of our time, so that this becomes more of another task on our organiser, something we do so we know it has been done and we have fulfilled our duty.
I'm talking crap again, I know, what I'm saying again doesn't make all that much sense, confused with several different ideas together. Sorry, I get like this when I'm tired. Ignore the previous paragraph pl0x (:
Anyway, I wish you all a Happy New Year (I think for the second time?), and that it may be safe, happy and that you may grow and love and laugh and live, and only be bettered by years to come. (: Thanks to all the followers of my blog, this and the other, at the moment known as "Head In The Clouds". Thanks to everyone who has commented and to all you other bloggers out there who's blogs I have been blessed with reading.
Congratulations to That Damn Expat on your wedding on New Year's Eve, and a shout out here to Michael Rivera who has been most caring and supportive and not to mention a wonderful blogger whose posts I always eagerly read even when I fail miserably at commenting them, although I have things to say in response to most of his posts. Which reminds me Michael, your "2008 in review" post which I forget the actual name of, was great and I will comment it and your more recent posts soon, I promise! I am hoping that we will become good friends, I think the beginnings have definitely been sown (:
Yet another mention for Diary of an Old Fart", great blog, thank you so much for this gift to the blogging world, Mulled Vine (:
Anyway, to bed I must go, seven o' clock morning tomorrow. Some market or something. (I'm in Melbourne with my aunt's family at the moment)
night, xx
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Hello world, this is me
For those of you who have recently started following my blog or would just like to know more about me, this is a little info on who I am and an indication of some of the matters I have and will continue to blog about. (:
One more thing before I begin, thank you very much for following and leaving comments, it's a great encouragement (:
I laugh a little too loud at my own jokes, I love a little too recklessly, and accidentally push away those I care about far too often...
I'm a little idealistic, I want to believe the best of everyone. At the same time, I'm that tiny bit cynical.
I want attention but hate it when I get it; I'm incredibly optimistic for a negative person, and I'm just as much of a contradiction as I'm sure you are.
To say I'm over-dramatic is something of an understatement; I overreact to each small incident as though it's World War III...
I love using quotes and song lyrics to explain how I feel and what I believe in.
I wish on stars and 11.11, although I don't believe in it. Just in case. Maybe you'll come back. I'm waiting. Hoping. With no idea what else I can do anymore.
I use faces a lot while typing to express the tone in which I'm saying something, sorry if it's irritating but I'm using age as my excuse. The main ones you'll see me use are :) ;) :( (: >=( >=| ;P :P :@[angry] :$ which are mainly derived from MSN. Then, there are these, which rather than being 90degrees off, are to be looking at full on - >.< which is a glare and >.> a sideways glare. I'm not assuming you're stupid or anything; I didn't understand what they were without an explanation.
Hey, at least I don't text type! Incorrect grammar is something I hate. Remember, I'm Australian, so it's not a spelling error when I write things like "realised" rather than "realized" or "centre" instead of "center"; we measure our temperature in degrees Celsius, weight in mg/g/kg, length in cm/m/km, etc. Sorry if that sounded at all pompous, it wasn't meant to be.
I'm really easily peer pressured, it's probably a good thing that on the important matters I have friends I want to please equally who have opposite views, and I tend to side with the safer ones, at least for now.
Call me old fashioned but I believe that marriage is something that should last forever, while divorce is understandable in some cases, a lot of the times, problems can be worked out if that's what both parties really want. I want to marry someone who I know without a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with, who will feel the same about me.
People are the most important thing, above popularity, wealth, success, above anything else; I strongly believe that every person is equal. This does not mean that everyone is equal in skill levels etc., but rather that as a human being, they have feelings, hopes, beliefs, and different things they can contribute to our global society, and as humans they are worth no more or no less than any other, whether royalty or homeless person.
Money and possessions don't guarantee happiness.
The movement "To Write Love On Her Arms" is something incredibly meaningful to me, I can't quite put into words just how much it means; for something that has helped me gain the courage to live life, to take a stand for myself against the very worst of me, to believe in hope and to keep going, how can I explain that? Renee Yohe, who is the reason the movement began, is someone I look up to greatly. Read her story here
I believe in the need for community, that we all need each other. We are made to interact and live with one another. We are meant to support and depend on each other as necessary. It is the best way to live, sharing each others' burdens.
I believe that "Global is not a nice idea. Global is reality", that we as humans need to put aside what society tells us is important - putting self before everyone else. For my blog on that, click here.
Jamie Tworkowski's [of To Write Love On Her Arms] blog on the subject is here.
I believe in God but I am not a Christian, although I believe in everything it is about and was brought up in Christian home.
I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance. Perhaps even a third or fourth, perhaps even more. Whether a person is capable of forgiving someone harmful actions that many times is another matter. But people do change. And if we don't give everyone another chance when they request one, how will we ever know if they are one of those who deserve this chance, who will change? Maybe I'm a little too forgiving...
I used to self harm and while I have stopped now [since the 2nd of July, 2008], and I strongly believe for good, it is something which has overreaching consequences and I still struggle with the urges to. I had attempted to stop in previous years, but relapsed a couple of times, but I think I am strong enough and have the right motives for wanting to stop this time. This used to take the form of cutting, burning, hitting my head, overdosing on painkillers, etc. It is something I feel is not talked about enough and many people write it off as something done by someone seeking attention, or "emos" or those who are suicidal. This is not the case and I think it is important to raise awareness about the realities of this issue.
I am 16 years old and in 2009 will be starting my final year of high school. With my interests being literature and society and environment, I will be doing English Studies, Classical Studies, German and Biology/preferably Modern History. After high school I want to go to Uni. I think I would like to be a nurse so this is what I am planning to study, however I love writing and dream of being a published author someday as well. My reasons for wanting to be a nurse are mainly that I passionately want to do something to help people, although I am fairly open and flexible as to where this may take me.
Writing is something I have done for years now, and it is something I have always seemed to be fairly good at, as others have told me. I am not so confident in my own skills, but would love to accept this. I'm told my writing seems far more mature than that of a sixteen year old, I'm happy with that. I find writing to be helpful when I am upset, confused, etc. I have rarely felt as helpless as when I was not able to express my emotions. I love writing narratives as well, as you can see in my other blog, however I am working on doing so with more regularity.
My family consists of my parents and my one younger sister, younger by 364 days ^_^
I don't get along with my mum at all, my dad somewhat, but my sister and I are fairly close these days (: I am very protective of her. And regardless, I love my family. My parents are Indian but both I and my sister were born here in Adelaide, South Australia and I consider myself Australian. In 1998 and 1999, my family lived in Auckland, New Zealand, and although it was great, we ultimately moved back here to Adelaide, which I have to say is even better, although many people hate it since it's so quiet and there isn't a lot to do...
This year has been a turbulent one for me. I became even closer with my two girl best friends and became best friends with the guy who lives across the road from me and also goes to the same school in the same year level. Three months ago within one and a half weeks, lost them all permanently, or so I thought. Miserable because of this, I resorted to overdosing on painkillers at school in an attempt to stop thinking just for a while. The last time I had done this was the 12th of November, 2007. My other friends who realised what I had done told our homegroup teacher; an ambulance was called, and I had to spend that night and the next day in hospital attached to a drip.
Lots of things have changed since then, I now see a counsellor regularly =/ but she's actually great. I think you'll find I am actually a very positive and hopeful person. I am still hoping to fix things with my friends, and just two days ago, my guy friend who I had completely given up on having him as a friend again began to talk to me. Things are still awkward but hope is pulsing through my veins so strongly that I am getting swept away. My friends mean a lot to me, but I overreact a lot.
During the self harm, I had been told that it was something I would later regret; however I cannot bring myself to regret any of it. There is no point in ruing the past, when we cannot change it. We can change the future and that is what we should focus on. Any bad experience can be made good of if we choose to, and often these things that we live through can be used to help other people. That is what I hope to do, to be able to help others who are struggling with the same things by understanding what they have gone through and using my knowledge to benefit them in some way, as Renee of TWLOHA has done for me and so many others. In her words, "that is what the pain was for, and that is worth it all, and more."
I will add to this later and any help from any of my friends who read this would be great ;P But that's all for now. (:
Saturday, December 13, 2008
My Apologies Were Never Quite Enough
I just wanted to apologise for the banality of my posts lately, nothing very interesting at all, or if so, merely copy pasted, while acknowledging that.
I haven't written in a while, though my tremendously long posts leave something to be desired anyway; perhaps brevity? ^_^
I do tend to go off on tangents far too much. And I'm not too sure that all that many people enjoy my detailed insight on the mind of a reformed and hopefully staying reformed self harmer who still thinks about it a lot...
But, topics I am intending to write about soon:
- Why I hate Christmas
- Why I faintly want to be a part of the scene
- My thoughts on the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer
-The food thing these days
And so on and so forth.
I'll try to keep my three ex (?) best friends out of the picture, I think it's enough of the missing them in text for everyone to read, it must get old. Needless to say, it hasn't gotten old to me, I still miss them.
That's all for now, it's 12.53AM.
I'll be fixing up my iTunes for a couple of hours now (:
xx
Monday, November 10, 2008
On love, musical discernment, and Britney Spears
That last part obviously making any 'musical discernment' terrible ^_^ haha
So I've been listening to the most random stuff lately. And a LOT of old style country (L) actual love it so much lol
But yeah Britney Spears has been playing a fair bit tonight.
And my take on the matter, which I thought I'd post since it allegedly made Shazz almost spit out her coffee ;P -
sigh. my music taste threw up and ate it's spew and like, ate what it then shat out.
Well, I make me lol. ;P
~
Annnd just thought I'd put it out here.... I wrote a blog sometime back about love... inspired by a quote from "The Riders" by Tim Winton, interesting read, not very conclusive, but worth reading i'd say, heaps confusing and complex ehhh.
So anyway
"Can someone love too much?
yeah I already posted a bulletin about this, but i want more replies so i'm making it longterm ;)
So anyway, I've got a few replies saying yes, and a few saying no.
But I just thought I'd mention something that I think a lot of people tend to forget,
love is not just the love that people mainly think of, where you want to get married and such
there are many kinds of love which are just as true and potent and real as that kind of love.
love between siblings, between parents and children, between friends, etc
the thing that makes you try to save someone's life when you have never even met them before, the caring you have for someone when you see that something is wrong however close or not you may be. i believe that is something to do with love, more perhaps compassion but that is something which comes from love.
there's so many different types and none can truly be classified.
but i think what the question is, is the pain of loving worth it?
This is a quote from Jamie of To Write Love On her Arms
"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."
I think what it's saying is that loving people and caring about people, we are always going to end up hurt, but it is better to love and care, better to leave ourselves open in this way where we can be hurt, no matter how scary it is, than to close ourselves off from love because of fear, because we don't want the pain. But love is worth that all.
From the book I was reading that started this hah, it's a seven year old girl's thoughts - "She wondered if you could love someone too much. If you could it wasn't fair. People didn't have a chance. Love was all you had in the end. It was like sleep, like clean water. When you fell off the world there was still love because love made the world. That's what she believed. That's how it was.
"
anyway,
thoughts?
=]"
I'm so awesome I quote myself =/
People's responses thus far -"No i dont think u can love anyone too much. and yeah there are many kinds of love and yeah everyone gets hurt in love at some point but i dont think u can stop loving ppl and though ppl might close them selves off i think we need to try not to tho i know i do at times also. idk confusing."
- "You can never love too much, especially when it is love as an action... I think you described it as compassion... where you can love someone without liking them, simply by showing them some kindness and taking the time to make them feel they are worth something... you can never love too much of that kind of love.
I think if you love someone so much (maybe more in the passion sense) that it is preventing you from loving others and making you lose focus of other important things... then it is loving them too much... although this probably isn't true love... if that makes any sense."
- "ummm...
a point was rasied to me by bonnie with stalkers n them crazy obbsessied pplz...
they sometimes claim they killed them coz they thought they wer ment to be together n ther was true lov but they rejected them...
i would say thats to far...
so i now say u cant love to much unless u hav some sort of mental disorder...
sry to bring this to a bit of a downer =S"
LOL
- "first off goin to admit i didnt read your bullitin just went striaght to answering the question...
i dont think you can love someone to much,
but it can be unwanted love,
say to people truely love each other ther would probz e no limits to how much they love each other,
but if one person loves the other n the other doesnt but is goin out with them or somthin they would probz say they r being smothered or something...
so yeh depeneds n the circumstance for me and if they say ther being smothered they cant truely love that person"
- re: same person as above "dam neva thought of that family/friend sort of thing...
but still my answer doesnt change just that i add ther is no such thing as showing to much love to ur friends/family coz they are wat is close to you, no matter wat you do, no matter watthey do, your there for each other, though the good bad and indefferent times ther company is what keeps you sure life is worth living and the next day is always a new beginning =D"
- "I rekon you can love somebody too much, by smothering them and such."
- "yes. i beleive you can love someone too much. i have to different ways that it can be
1: if you love someone SO much, eventually if just becomes lust, and that the love is eventually gone, that the point of loving someone so much, comes to a state where there is no longer a love connection, just a lust filled want to please your own emotions.
2: when you love someone so much, that all you get it pain. that the only reason you seem to love someone is to just end up getting hurt all the time. you can love someone too much, so much, that all the time you just feel angry and hurt and constantly in pain that you cant just let go, that you are so deeply in love, that all you get in return is the pain"
- same person as above "..i think true/real love, is a small thing, if it got bigger and to a stage of too much love then i personally dont think it would be true or real anymore"
so most of the replies are from you who read my blog here anyway... thoughts?
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