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Monday, February 2, 2009

Everyone who knows is suitably shocked. I think I'm over it, although every so often a memory resurfaces and I'm left closing my eyes and pulling a hand through my hair as I do when I'm vastly uncomfortable.
I caught Jake glancing at me today, probably wondering what this stupid thing is that I've done (a message accidentally sent to him rather than another friend, only alluding to that and saying I'll tell her in person). I'm certain he has an idea, considering the phone calls and voice mail I left him, but I don't quite remember what I said; but I doubt he actually realises. I'm not that kind of person. Although, I obviously am.
I wouldn't have done so without the alcohol. Such hollow comfort.
I don't really need comfort, it's just irritating.
I wanted to tell David, just out of interest to see his reaction, but I couldn't quite. David is in one of my classes, and he was my first friend who was just a little bit more. For a quick summary, we have been good friends, and also both liked each other at the same time, in the past, but there has been a lot of lying on his side and I have been a little sick of forgiving him only to go through the same cycle once more, however, let's say, today I decided to try it again. I spent one of my frees with him, asked him to help me with my Classical Studies homework; I found one of the questions confusing (we are studying the Odyssey C: ) and thought I may as well ask him since he is repeating year 12 and has done the subject before. I also knew he'd love the idea of being smarter than me (which is painting a great picture of him for you, but he always thinks I'm way smarter than him), and I partly wanted to put everything behind us. Again.
I was still slightly apprehensive, because of the past, and because I know my two other best friends would disapprove, because of what's happened previously. Although I don't know if they care anymore, their former opinion would still hold if things were good between us. I don't want anything to jeopardise any possible future reconciliation. This might.

David used to be very important to me. But with everything, I am the least mistrustful of him when he says he wants to be friends. I am not keen to be friends with him. I have Lynley at school and friends in class. Oh and I think Mr Sheridan may have the impression that Lynley and I were making out at lunch today... She was hugging me and put her face to kiss me on the side of the cheek, afterward I turned to look at her and we just stayed like that for a while, because she's a very physical contact type person, even more than I; and with our hair falling over our faces, Mr Sheridan walked past behind us and I saw him turning the corner as I moved my head and he had a weird look on his face... Awkward.
I have lots of friends out of school and I have almost everyone I need. Honestly, I've given up hope of fixing things with Jake. That hope I had died a while ago. I just want the other two back.
Anyway, I don't really need to rekindle this friendship with David. I'm sure it will end badly again, although I don't want it to. And even if it doesn't, I'm going to have a crazy hard time trying to trust him now.
But it's slightly cooler today, thank God. (:

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