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Sunday, May 3, 2009

And It Goes Round and Round in Circles

I know, I know. It's terrible blog etiquette to post anymore than once per day, really, and especially with two so close together. I need to say something and I don't know what.

But it's like a picture of you was stamped on everything in my life and won't come off. Rather, it's spreading, being added to more stuff. It's not fair and I just want to whine and have a cry about it like a little child.

Even though I've already said it all, a million times over. I don't want these reminders and these unexpected moments that hit me like a ton of bricks. No matter how happy I am feeling, when this happens, it all comes crashing down, even if there are others around and I attempt to put up a facade. I remain distracted with the effort for a while after.

oh god. I just want to have some direction again. I want to be complete in myself, or something. I don't want such lack of control over my life. I'm almost angry, but not. I just want this gone. I don't want to have to deal with it. I can't deal with it. I can't deal with things, and yes I am weak, and cowardly, and sometimes I just don't want to stand up and keep going against the things that hurt, because it is too hard to do continuously, I need to stop, run to the nearest safe place and cry until I feel strong enough to re-emerge and continue on; is that such a bad thing? I want to jump on a plane or a bus or a train and just leave, leave all this headfuck behind. Not even forever, not even for long, just long enough. I want to be happy again. Properly happy. And I don't know how to do that, I don't know how I got this messed up and then continued to make it worse. I'm scared and confused and I really just need a hug and to somehow explain everything to someone, and that is the real, biggest problem. I am alone. And that's the thing I fear most in the whole world.


  1. It pains me to read your blog at times.

    I was going to say more, until I realised I can't, for various reasons.

  2. HEY! You are not weak or cowardly for hurting. When we lose people we love, people that were a big part of our lives, no matter HOW we lose those people, it leaves a mark on us. I still feel little pangs when I think of my very first real best friend, who I only talk to maybe once every four or so months, and that's only because of Facebook. Otherwise, I wouldn't talk to her at all.

    Take it one day at a time, and don't be afraid to cry or hurt.

    And for the record, I've never heard anything about only posting once a day, so post away!

  3. Cynta - ^_^ hmm... what would these various reasons be? ^_^

    Elizabeth - Thanks heaps for the encouragement and empathy. :) Losing friendships always sucks, I guess I just think I should be coping better since it's so much my fault, but Idk, it's hard. This blog is my venting place but with so many people reading it I sometimes feel bad for just having a cry about the same thing all the time... Then I have to remember it is supposed to be for me. But since, like in my latest post, I'm all about pleasing other people, it's hard.

    Thank you for all your support (:

  4. In order to really remember I'd have to go back into that mindset. I can list stuff, it just won't have the same effect.

    1) I was in a daring mood and I didn't want to say anything stupid.
    2) I would have put everything incredibly bluntly.
    3) The whole 'I have no right" thing
    4) I would have implied that you didn't already know some of the stuff I was going to say, even though I would have thought you did.
    5) I would have ended up comparing my situation to yours.
    6) My comment had the potential of being longer than this one.

  5. Okay 3, you know I couldn't actually give a crap. Go ahead, if you want to. In letting you read my blog, I give you that right to whatever, say what you think.
    Blunt is fine.
    I don't understand 4. (See "I Think I'm Getting Dumber") /suck at life
    5, you're perfectly justified. I already do that sometimes, but like, in reverse and shit.
    6... okay...

  6. Point 4 doesn't make sense, I just couldn't think of a good way to word it. It's like I'd say obvious things. Or things that you probably would have already come to the conclusion to yourself. Which would be annoying.

    Pfft. Like I said, I'd have to go back to that mindset to really understand. I had full on emotional reasons for not continuing at the time.