I know, I know. It's terrible blog etiquette to post anymore than once per day, really, and especially with two so close together. I need to say something and I don't know what.
But it's like a picture of you was stamped on everything in my life and won't come off. Rather, it's spreading, being added to more stuff. It's not fair and I just want to whine and have a cry about it like a little child.
Even though I've already said it all, a million times over. I don't want these reminders and these unexpected moments that hit me like a ton of bricks. No matter how happy I am feeling, when this happens, it all comes crashing down, even if there are others around and I attempt to put up a facade. I remain distracted with the effort for a while after.
oh god. I just want to have some direction again. I want to be complete in myself, or something. I don't want such lack of control over my life. I'm almost angry, but not. I just want this gone. I don't want to have to deal with it. I can't deal with it. I can't deal with things, and yes I am weak, and cowardly, and sometimes I just don't want to stand up and keep going against the things that hurt, because it is too hard to do continuously, I need to stop, run to the nearest safe place and cry until I feel strong enough to re-emerge and continue on; is that such a bad thing? I want to jump on a plane or a bus or a train and just leave, leave all this headfuck behind. Not even forever, not even for long, just long enough. I want to be happy again. Properly happy. And I don't know how to do that, I don't know how I got this messed up and then continued to make it worse. I'm scared and confused and I really just need a hug and to somehow explain everything to someone, and that is the real, biggest problem. I am alone. And that's the thing I fear most in the whole world.