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Sunday, May 3, 2009

So You Say the Present's Just A Pleasant Interruption to the Past... I'd say it's not always that pleasant.

A teacher, in discussing poetry, got me thinking about my first kiss the other day. He mentioned how he, at 65, had never forgotten the memory of the wonder of his first kiss. He also asked me if I remembered mine, which was kinda embarassing, but, I do. That night was really special, even if I regret some of the other events that transpired to cause its occurrence, and even though David has misplaced my trust in him innumerous times before and since.

I was 15 and a half, so it wasn't that long ago, really. The beginning of 2008, about halfway through January, although the only real reason I can pinpoint the date with any degree of accuracy is because I had just returned home from a family holiday to India and he was the first friend I saw, the following weekend. I think it would have been the 17th.

We had been friends for nearly a year, and during that time had been very close at certain points. After he admitted to me that he liked me, I freaked out a lot, rather than being ecstatic, since I had only just begun to realise that I liked him too. Nothing really happened although I think I later told him I felt the same way, and after a short while we hardly talked at all. We didn't have any friends in common and we were in different social circles so it was awkward for both of us, since both of us care a lot about other people's opinions.

He was one of those people who was friends with a lot of people, always loud and funny, sometimes thoughtful, but had only a couple of close friends that he would talk to about important matters. Almost as soon as he developed a close friendship with someone, he would distance himself. Or so I have come to realise, over time. And as he told me on that night, while he really liked me, I had some pretty messed up things going on in my life, with cutting myself and all. So he just, stopped talking to me, apart from an occasional smile or wave when I saw him at school. I liked him a lot, for months, and so did he, apparently, although at the time I didn't know.

So that hurt a lot, especially since I leant on him emotionally pretty heavy at times. Looking back, I really had no idea of the impact I had on people in that way; all I knew was that I was falling apart and I clutched at my friends to save myself, never realising that sometimes it was too much for them to handle. Learning to deal with my problems myself is something I'm still doing, and I often forget. That, a lot of the time, is what this blog is for.

While my family was away in India, an occasionally recurring event happened for the first time, that which I have mentioned twice recently, once in my first "Letter to People" and secondly, in the post "Secrets." So I was scared out of my mind, as this first occasion was the most dreadful, and alone with no one to turn to in a country I didn't want to be in, I resorted to messaging David, with the mobile I had there. I don't remember the reasoning behind this, but his response, in part at least, was what I needed more than anything. That began us talking once more, and when I finally got back, he wanted to make sure I was okay.

My parents are pretty strict when it comes to guys, they don't believe that dating is appropriate at such a young age... Whatever. They have never been very keen on either I or my sister spending time alone with a guy, so I snuck out of the house at night to meet up with David. I had thought I was finally over him, but his protective and comforting words had me right back where I had been months ago. I liked him a lot, but I knew he was over me. How he had even liked me before was a huge mystery to me. My self esteem, while a vast improvement from early high school, was still terribly low in comparison to today.

Anyway, I seriously wasn't expecting anything when we met up. I didn't know what would happen. It hadn't even crossed my mind. I'm unassuming like that.

So when he kissed me, I was very surprised. I'm not going to go into detail but we had a proper conversation for the first time in ages that night, and talked about so much stuff. I also had my first kiss, and I was very happy because I liked him so much, and that whole night was pretty much perfect, apart from when he called me perfect, and I got mad at that. It's crazy thinking how much has changed since then, when it was less than a year and a half ago. I was so, so innocent. A lot has changed and I don't know that I like it.

I am aware this post is essentially pointless.

1 comment:

  1. It's not pointless if you had a reason for writing it.