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Friday, May 22, 2009

Zu dir, meine liebe Schwester,

You terrified me today.

I had a Biology test today that is rather weighty in terms of the whole year and which, admittedly, I spent nowhere near enough time studying for. You have no idea how scared I was for you. I don't cry easily in front of others who aren't family, but for a few minutes I had to struggle to stop shaking. Do you know how much I love you? Of course you do, for you feel the same in return, I know so, no matter the troubles.

Most of you would know that my sister is something of a source of worry to me. We are very close and I care about her far more than I could ever hope to express. I am fiercely protective of her.

She is going on a school ski trip later this year, and as such, must participate in training at the gym on Friday mornings before school. While studying during my double free before recess, after which was my Bio test, a friend of hers mentioned that she'd been feeling sick in homegroup and looked as though she was about to faint.

I've never fainted but she has once before, and is very easily affected by things like lack of sleep or painkillers or sleeping tablets, when she was barely sleeping. After taking thpse I hear it was as though she was tripping, since I wasn't present, and I've seen the same thing happen to her at least once with Panadol, although I don't believe to the same extent.

She doesn't always eat breakfast and while I rrarely do myself, I cope very well with lack of food, and besides I eat fine otherwise. She also subjects herself to rigorous excercise and sometimes her food intake is limited to foods such as celery, carrots, and other vegetables, although she's a bit better since that stage. I worry about her.

At recess, another of her friends that I bumped into and asked about her told me that she had looked pretty sick in ski trip training as well. shit. I immediately went to find her, just to check on her. She wasn't with her friends but I was told she was with a friend in the canteen line, so I headed off there. As she turned around in response to my touching her on the shoulder, she stumbled. I can't explain how worried that made me. She looked unwell too, you could see it. As she had no money or food, her friend was buying her orange juice. I asked if she could get her something, and my sister protested that she didn't want her to spend money on her, which neither of us cared about. As they entered the canteen I left, since it didn't seem incredibly bad, and managed to distract myself fairly well.

I did text my dad from a friend's phone, and so he called her, which she wasn't too happy with, but I felt he should try to talk to her, since she didn't want to go home either.

Walking to Biology at the end of recess, I wanted to see her again, but she would have already gone to class and in the ten minutes before our teacher arrived, I managed to panic, and started crying and shaking.

I'll admit, while I was worried, I was half considering whether or not I could also use it to get out of the test until Monday, once I had studied sufficiently, and while I felt ashamed of that, I did really want to be with her and make sure she was okay.

The first few minutes of the test were terrible, but I managed to calm myself down, and after it was over I checked and she was much better, having also eaten.

I don't know how I did on the test though, and I hope I did well, since it seemed relatively simple.

In second to last lesson, she told me that she was thinking of going to the gym again after school, so that I could tell mum when I got home, and I absolutely freaked, emphasising how there was no freaking way in hell she should go to the gym, regardless of whether she felt better or not.

Thankfully, she didn't.

Ughh, I love her so much, I hate feeling so helpless. Although there have been worse times, when I have had to stand by and let things take their course, and it kills me.

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