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Friday, May 22, 2009

"Smile like you mean it"

It is such a relief that this school week is over. So much has happened in these five days...

I talked to my friends again, I started going out with Jimit, watched an amazing play for English Studies and the Year 12 play for Westminster, the school my best friend Kat goes to.

This is how it's going to work. There are a few things I wish to post at length about, and as such, these shall be separated into different posts. Apologies.

[I've also created a new blog for the three of us, partly because I don't want our talking to each other via blog posts to invade this blog and also because I don't think other people need to be involved. Here you go.]

I saw one of my friends smile at me yesterday, and even though it may have been a little awkward, and my answering smile definitely was slightly off... Well, you may think that I was excited when the exbestfriend smiled at me... I was. But this, this was so much better... I didn't dance for excitement or anything but I felt like finally something that was wrong had been fitted back into place. Like the world got turned right way up again finally. I don't know, in one way it felt like a huge occurrence, in another it felt like we had slipped back into it easily. And a smile kept working its way across my face for a long time after.

I was nervous, when I was walking up the stairs, and saw her sitting with her boyfriend right outside where I was to pass, and I stopped to talk to Lynley, who happened to be on the stairs. I wanted to try to compose myself a little, and not walk past alone, but as we walked up the stairs, I did not hear a word she said. I wasn't sure what to do, was it too soon yet to acknowledge her with a smile? Was this actually finally happening? I was watching her as I walked past, she was looking the other way. Was it still too awkward, were we too used to turning away at the moments of passing each other? Her boyfriend was watching me watching her, but I didn't want to miss it if it would happen. There had already been so many missed times over that day and the previous with the other one...

And then she turned her head and smiled, and I smiled back as best as I could, relief just flooding through me. I saw her boyfriend notice this and say something to her, quietly, for we weren't in close proximity, and I, so flustered but happy, kept walking with Lynley past where I had to go. I could have danced with joy, if I was the dancing kind.

It was wonderful.

Concert band directly afterwards was great. Sure, technically it still sucked ass and went for ages, but that time it just didn't seem as long or as unbearable. We also didn't play the song that I absolutely hate, but even if we had...

We communicated a little. Afterwards, we laughed together, just briefly. I was scared that it was too much too soon, what if it was too awkward for her? Should we just go straight back to laughing and talking or kinda ease into it? I was so tentative, but knowing that we could look at each other at the same time and not have to hastily look away - I almost cried with happiness.

A friend mentioned to me how strange it had been to see us talking via Failbook, and I agreed. Of course, it was crazy. But it was so right. Not the Failbook part, now if it had been MySpace, then, of course. ;p

Honestly, I had expected first for these things to happen with the other one. For a start, we had a lesson together the very day after we talked, and that Thursday. I had even hoped for it, maybe. I tried to imagine it. But things never work out how I imagine. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing...

Things are better. So much better. I am not wondering if what we had can be restored, any friendship between us is wonderful, and enough for now. If that's all there ever is, then that will be enough.

On a side note, you know what drives me crazy? Hearing from other people how they've drifted apart from them. It drives me insane. Do you have any idea what are you letting yourself lose??? Surely, you can't. I almost want to scream at them. There is only one thing worse in hearing about them.

No, you do not, you do not fucking say those things. There is this guy at my school who everyone hates. He is vile. Last year when this had all begun, we used to talk in a lesson where I no longer had anyone to talk to... One day one of them came up in conversation, and having listened in on my talking to someone else, assumed that we were merely no longer friends and tried to ingratiate himself by complaining about one of them. Fuck you. Fuck you. If there weren't enough reasons to hate you already, that solely would be enough. I despise you and I will never forgive you.

It's more painful when it's people who I am friends with, who I know were friends with them. Again, are they out of their minds???

... I'm just glad we have this back, this, something.

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