I know that this blog was supposed to be positive, and even though I’m incredibly confused and scared and practically running around in circles during the few minutes when my head isn’t stuck five feet under the ground in order to avoid reality, well, I still think I’m in a much better place than, well, where I was when I wrote a certain post on my LiveJournal which I have only just re-read. Let me tell you, I do not ever want to be back there again. (Not LiveJournal, but in how I was thinking and feeling during that post ;P)
The post is dated the 30th of September, 2008, and I’m pretty much incoherent. I can’t even formulate sentences. As for what I’m detailing with the words I’m getting out, that’s pretty scary too. I wanted to die, and I say that, several times over.
Here are some excerpts. “I don't want to be dead. But I don't want to be alive… I'm dying inside. No I feel already dead. So then why am I still crying constantly. Why do I still feel so sick all the time, I can't even walk, can't talk, I collapsed the other day at home, i couldn't stand up anymore, i practically fell to sit on the floor… I think I fucking lost my heart when I read those words. I don't want to keep going. But there's nothing else to do. I'm not so stupid as to kill myself... I can't even breathe properly. i didn't know i could cry this much. i want to die. i really just do. I can't even explain what i'm thinking. please just let me die. i can't do this. i want to cut myself into a million shreds, to reflect the pieces of my heart. I am struggling for words. I don't know what i'm doing or saying, i can't focus or concentrate... I want to die.”
It actually terrifies me to remember feeling that. My mind just would not work, and I would come home after school and cry and cry and could not physically speak, I couldn’t sleep and when I did, I’d have dream after dream that I could not handle. I didn’t do any school work, and I have no idea how I held myself together at school at all. It was like I was in the most terrible nightmare, and I kept pleading with my mind to let me wake up, but what was the worst was that I knew it was real, and I wouldn’t wake up. I’m overdramatic, I know. But that’s what it felt like. This is before the hospital incident, which occurred two days before our school’s final music night for the year, and which I have yet to write about properly.
Even looking back to the early posts of this blog, there are some moments when I’m pretty emo, or whatever you want to call it. I wouldn’t say “depressed” because I’m not comfortable with using that word in relation to myself; I don’t think I’ve ever had depression but many people and tests beg to differ. And come to think of it, I’d never use the term “emo” to describe someone else feeling like that, except if it was a joke. That, however, is neither here nor there.
We all expected there’d be setbacks, anyway. No one is happy all the time. So here’s some evidence of how much better I am – 2nd of July 2008 was the last time I hurt myself. Even with how I was feeling above, I could not, would not give in. I knew that would have made it even worse. My friends, yes, those ones, were the reason I stopped in the first place, and that, in a way, made me want to, because I didn’t have them anymore; but I knew I had to, or it would only make things worse. It’s hard to explain…
It hurts rather a lot that they were the reason I stopped and now, well, it doesn’t matter to them either way; at least, that is what I’m guessing. But it’s my fault myfault. That is what hurts most I guess. Actually, I can’t pinpoint it to one thing about it that is the worst, it’s all of it together. But that is not what this post is about.
You might not believe that I’m getting better. Sometimes I don’t believe it myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m desperately trying to keep myself together even as I am falling irreparably apart, and that even when I think I’m doing okay, I’m not really. And sure, these moments have been occurring more than usual lately, since this incident. But when I manage to work up the courage to actually get said incident sorted out and dealt with, I think I’m going to keep becoming a more positive person, or whatever the hell it is. With being happy with myself, and thus being able to be a better friend. And all that jazz.
Anyway I’m off to watch some TV, and it’s not even NCIS for a change. ;)
Love to all my blogging friends
xx
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Just Waiting for Proof that there’s Sunsets and Silhouette Dreams
Monday, March 30, 2009
Midnight Munchies Attaaaack!
So maybe I've been watching far too many episodes of Pokemon and Digimon online recently thanks to Surf the Channel and it's way past midnight (2.08AM), but that's neither here nor there. I'm so... hungry. I crave something, but I don't know what. See, usually, when I'm up late and get the Midnight (and onward) Munchies, which we'll abbreviate to the M&M's coz I'm cool like that, it is Doritos that I desire.
Not this time. Well thank God because we currently have none in the house, I guess they haven't been on special lately, but the problem is that I don't even know what I want. I crave something, but nothing comes to mind. What specific taste is it that I need..? We have Fanta, which is great, but I can't drink it since it's not even supposed to have been opened yet... The only cookies we have are too sweet and painfully crunchy. We have no chips. Yeah that's about it.
Chris will be away from school for another week. I talked to him for the first time in over a week on MSN on Saturday night, but not for very long since he had to leave for dinner. He had his tonsils removed so he hasn't been at school, and since my phone is broken he can't get in contact with me. We're also both barely on MSN. I just... expected to miss him more. Now that I've talked to him, I do, I think. I want to talk to him properly, on the phone, or something. Not likely until I can somehow get my home number to him since he keeps forgetting to save it. I'm paranoid that he is getting over me like I always do with other people.
I miss the ex best friend. I miss the others. I miss Jimit. And Justin. And sleep.
I want new clothes. I want to watch the Jetsons and further episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I want a sleepover and a night in town. I want the movie drinking night I planned with my best friend Nick where we watch our favourite movies and have lightsaber fights coz we're into Star Wars since we're such cool kids; and hang out and drink together (because that other time does not count and we've agreed never to mention it again). I want to drink champagne with My Mofo's friend DJ and on the other hand do girly stuff; I want DnM's with a girl who will tell me what I need to hear and I want to skip lessons to sit outside KFC in the morning waiting for the chip shop to open, and go to the shops after school rather than straight home; I want a friend to walk home with no matter how much I love my sister, and good friends to hang out with in frees, not people that honestly I hardly talk to.
And damnit I want to know what munchies I crave and I want to eat them! OM NOM NOM (damnit Jake, looks like you won me over in that argument...)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Dear God,
Please don't let Wentworth Miller be gay
My sister told me he was /cries
;P
because seriously, ohmygod...
rofl
no but take a look at what i mean, if you don't already agree... lol
oh noes it cut off his face!
lol not to worry
(L) Prisonbreak and Dinotopia haha
ZOMG lol
;P
it's GIBBS!!!!!!!!! FROM NCIS
BUT SO SO MUCH YOUNGER
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
/dies
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
SHAZZ
i've been trying to comment your last post but it won't let me, our internet connection is practically dead atm >=|
anyhow.. there are gardening shows on at this time...?
and do they have those porn ads in between still..
i'd also like to point out the fact that i am, in fact, not sleeping. although i'm not watching any tv at all either...
also, just personally, creeped out by the idea of the Sandman. I think the reason is an Enid Blyton book... one of The Wishing Chair ones? No, no, Faraway Tree, and they end up in a bed and the Sandman chucks sand in their eyes and they fall asleep and the bed turns into different things but then whats her face, umm something wash a lot and whatshisname come up too and she wets the sack and then whatshisface slits the sack at the bottom and takes dry sand and throws it in the Sandman's eyes so he falls asleep and then they all maneuvre the bed out of the hole down the tree somehow, they have something that they use to make the bed fly...? so i guess the whole idea of the sandman slightly disturbed me since he was like some awful man who would have trapped them there once the land moved away from the tree...
:/
lol
Monday, October 13, 2008
Introduction
All stories have a beginning. This comes a little late, it's been over 16 years since the start of this particular story, however may as well try to cut in and document this one from now.
To be honest I've never felt quite comfortable or sure in describing my life as a story. In itself, yes, it is, an ongoing one. However, thinking about the beginning of the story, where exactly did this begin? When I was born, or further back, when I was conceived (and God knows no one wants to hear details about that), or further still; when my parents met? This would mean the stories of their lives are part of my story. And by the same reasoning, their parents' lives would be part of their own stories, making my grandparents' stories also a part of mine. And so on...
Not to mention, all those people in my life who have had an impact on me; how did they become a part of my life? That in itself is a story, which is in turn part of the story of both that person and I. Thus, each person is a story. Or if you will, a song. Yet each person's story is inextricably linked with hundreds, if not thousands, millions of people's stories. These lives, these stories, these songs, are all ultimately connected to each other, one great big complicated story and song, ever growing, the sub plots too vast to ever be contained in a book, let alone the overall scheme of things documented in any such way...
Life is an odd, huge, mysterious thing. I am awed to be a part of it when I think of it in this way. But in day to day terms it seems to me a dreary thing, overloaded with pain that I am not willing to stand. So many times I have lain down, decided I am giving up. Not giving up by entering death, another great mystery, but by simply existing, getting through life, merely a "shadow", with no impact or presence whatsoever. But there is something within me which refuses to accept that. That, no matter what, wants to live. Even when I feel that I do not want to live, I cannot deny that still, even when I feel that there is nothing left, there is too much to live for. Without being able to pinpoint a certain thing, it is simply life. Life is a great adventure, I want to wander and explore it, I want to experience it, I want to live. And the times I feel this the most strongly, I feel young and burning with passion, perhaps a purpose, even if that purpose is to find a purpose. Those are the times I feel strong and confident, I suppose it is that thing known as the foolishness of youth. That rash perspective, that reckless joy in being alive, feeling invincible. Like you could fly. Those are some of the times I feel irrepressible. I hate to be shown that even in these moments, I can be brought crashing down.
Perhaps I allow other people to great an influence on me. I can be made sad by their sadness, flat by their anger, scared by their fear. And this is just characters in a TV show. Friends' moods have a huge impact. Too empathetic? I do not know. But I take it as part of who I am.
This acceptance, this learning to take who I am and be okay with it, it's something I am still gaining a feel for; it is new and strange and most of all, exciting. That I can even like things about myself, it is positively delicious. It is a wondrous thing, I feel like I am still tip toe-ing around in awe after stumbling into the Cave of Wonders..
I ramble. I am too long-winded, I know. It's 1.28 AM and I have school tomorrow. However I don't have to go to 11.30 dsfhlkds. Ah well.
I may leave to bed. Not much of an introduction, by any standard, but it will have to do. Night..
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