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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Let's be clear about this.

I will never hurt myself again.

That is a fact.

I don't want to, and I can't.

In all that I did, I lost the two most precious people ever. I want to make this clear, if I haven't before. This whole friends thing; it wasn't their fault. It was never their fault and if I implied that at all, that is not what I meant. They are amazing people, and amazing friends. I'm not mad at them, I never was. I'm mad at the situation, at myself for causing it, even though the exact things that set it off I'm still unsure about. And oh god I still do the same thing, I just realised. I just stop talking to people because I get moody. Do I learn anything???

I've learned some self respect, at least. Even when at times I feel so, so lost.

And if this is over forever, that's my fault too. I was too scared to talk to them for so long, that when I did try, maybe then it was already too late. And now, oh my god. It's been so long. Too long? Even though I know nothing will ever probably fix this, I still want to. So much. Sometimes I want to give up and forget and just. stop. Just hurt myself as much as possible so that nothing else matters anymore. But I am never ever doing that again. It's destructive to more than myself. I'm sick of hurting other people and ruining friendships. I'm so fucking selfish, and I hatehatehate it.

I want to start over somewhere else, I've wanted to move schools. Every class, every time I see them makes me choke on how much I miss them because of what I've done. That may be the one thing I can never forgive myself for. I hope they never forgive me for it either.

I could have been a better friend to them, like they were to me. I think it was when it came to myself that I fucked everything up. I don't want any of that "they're the ones missing out" crap, because, no, it is not their fault. They don't deserve anyone to think less of them for it, especially if you don't know them. They are fucking amazing and gorgeous and it was me who lost through my own fault.

You know what, I want to be innocent again. As innocent as I used to be. I ruined that too. I never learn from my mistakes, do I? I'm fucking ridiculous at times.

But I will never ever ever ever self harm again. I am so done with that.

EDIT: I still try to imagine what it would be like if we did try to work things out. Would it just... not happen? Even if we tried? It would be strange, and awkward. Would we have anything to talk about? I don't know.

I should probably do some homework. I'm behind and god how am I going to pass this year? German, especially. And Biology. And Maths. English and Classical Studies are the only two things I think I can do well in, and I'm still behind in English... Ugh.

EDIT: I think the whole eating all the time thing is kinda better now. It's back to normalish, still a bit too much junk food but I'm working on that. Although I think if I have to eat any more carrot or cucumber I might shoot myself in the head. If I had a gun and all. I haven't talked to Chris in over a week. I've practically forgotten what he's like. I'm sure it will be fine when I see him again...

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