...you won't be here by my side,
all of a sudden I feel hollow..."
I think I'll lock my heart away in a glass case.
It's best for me, and you.
Still beating, of course. I want to stay alive, at a distance. Can that work? I can try.
You don't want to hear it, and even if you did, I can't talk about it, any of it. Not anymore. And not even that. I don't trust half of you anymore. What happened to us? I miss those times when we were all so close, and you were less critical, more understanding, when I was so innocent, although I didn't know it. When I had ethics I would hold to.
When we understood each other, and actually gave a crap.
I feel like I'm trapped by all the things I can't say, for all the different reasons. I want someone to talk to. Do you know how much I want someone I can talk to about most things? I don't have that. Sure, there's Lynley, Kathleen. Even Nick. But, it's not the same, you know? People aren't replaceable.
It's like I've imprisoned myself with everything I've said and done, and I've used others to hurt me without even knowing I was doing it at the time, and let others hurt me and I don't know why and I have no idea where I am. I'm stumbling all over the place, going backwards, in circles, straining forward and sometimes even moving in that direction. But from watching me, you'd think I'm a blind man struggling to find his way. Which is pretty close to the truth, just make that blind man female. And I see fine, physically.
The worst of it, though, is thinking that I'm alright, that I'm okay, and trying not to look too closely. Because when I do, I see all the bars and fences and the traps that I have set, and none of these barricades are crumbling, the only thing that is crumbling is me.
Oh god. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm scared to look at myself because I'm so hollow; at times bear any physical form of contact because the heat of another person or even my hand against my arm was too much, I thought it might burn through the cardboard cutout and expose the lack of anything inside. I can't hide my own emptiness from myself all the time, it's tiring. It's not easy to continually lie to yourself. But I don't think I have any other option. I can't let myself fall apart like I did towards the end of last year. I don't want to come home from school every day and cry uncontrollably for hours. I don't want to scream at everyone over nothing. I don't want to lose my desire to live. I really think I'm secretly already back there. Maybe I never left. But I convinced myself I did. I think I did. I was/am getting better. But there's a part of me that stayed there all of this time, hurting and crying, and another part that's numb, perhaps beyond revival. And they drag me back.
I have no idea. Of anything. I want to walk through the next few years with my earphones in and my music up full blast, and come out on the other side and pick up my life and get on with it. But I can't because if I take a holiday from life right now, in a few years it will just be more of a mess. I just want to leave. I just want to leave! Just for a little while.
But, for you anyway, I'm going to pretend I'm fine. As much as I can. I'm getting better at it. Hiding it. But this blog is the one place I can scream and vent and cry as much as I am able, so for those of you I see most days, detach that me from this one. We're not the same. She's a lot more fake.
Pretend she's real though, okay? For me? For you? No matter how hard she has to force her smile. I owe that to you, at least.
EDIT (10.56PM) : Getting drunk is stupid (just trawling through memories). Why do I do it? I shall refrain. At least from getting really drunk. Stupidstupidstupid. Ugh.