Wahhhhhh. Seriously. I could just write a massive crying blog right about now.
Now Shazz has gone and I have nothing to distract me, even briefly. I'm craving coffee, haven't had any in ages.
I am so low right now and it's probably because of sleep deprivation, also haven't been taking my vitamin D and iron lately. I should, I know I should, God knows I don't want rickets, osteoporosis or depression etc, but ever since the hospital, I cannot be bothered. Even when mum has left them out for me. I don't know why. I was in the routine before and that completely upset it, but it shouldn't be too hard to get into again! There's something stopping me. Like the thing that stops me from sleeping.
My maths classroom depresses me. I can literally feel it from the instant I walk in through the doorway. It's like the bright and positive things in life all disappear. It's not just the teacher. It is actually the room. Sure it's kinda dark, but my German classroom is darker, and I am fine there. The walls and ceiling are all white, yet the place is depressing and the mood inside is dim. I am ten times more likely to start crying in that class than any other. Mr Miles doesn't help, he makes the atmosphere worse. I hate how stupid I feel. When everyone knows exactly what to do and I have no idea; do I retain any information at all?? Or was I ever actually taught it? Is everyone else just smarter than me? Have I allowed not putting in effort to get to the point where I actually have become stupid where I wasn't before? I'm so confused and I feel so terrible. I look at myself, and I look at Shazz, my god I see the effort she puts in, she tries so hard. I am so proud of her but at the same time I am so ashamed, of myself. If I could cut through this haze of being unable to just do the work, to be motivated and stay on task, to follow things in priority order and do what I know I should. It is my own fault, I know that.
I know that.
But I still cannot seem to break that boundary.
I am held captive by so many things in my life, trappings of my own device that are so deep set I don't even know what they are. Inhibitions I don't even realise I have. And these stop me from doing what I should. And by this not being done, it creates more stumbling blocks and fences around me.
I am weighed down by a million things and I'm not really struggling anymore. I'm letting life kinda take away everything I never wanted to lose. Even as I determine to stay strong, to keep fighting, even in some ways as I am, in the long term I have let life take me and beat me down. I'm running out of time to set things straight. Year 12 is so close. I'm so fucking capable of doing these things, the school work, but there are all these things that stop me. Why can't I break free?
I feel so lost, and lonely. I have never felt so alone. Despite everything, I have been losing my trust in people. I am closing myself off and being more cynical, noticing how manipulative I could be and possibly am beginning to do so. That is not the kind of person I want to be. I used to be strong. In some ways, I have gained strength. But I used to be so dead set in my morals. I have always respected people with strong morals and won't be pressured into things. I have let a lot of my morals go. I feel ashamed of that. I am losing myself.
Not much of a loss.
Ah, one of those thoughts that still creep in. But see, it doesn't really ring true anymore. One thing I am quietly happy about.
But there is too much negative stuff. I will acknowledge the positive as much as I am able. However, the dark side is strong. Lol Star Wars much? But it is. The bad things are always easier to remember, hang more oppressively, have more of an impact. This applies to many. Are we people who prefer to have a negative perspective, who like being unhappy? A thought keeps coming into my head lately, - "I am addicted to misery". And I am. It's something I will bring about for myself because it is what I want. I can distract myself and be happy for a time, not complete, proper happiness, but even that is refreshing.
And I don't feel comfortable with that. I remember Sacha and Bec and Jake, I purposely look for memories that remind me of them. I do not want to be happy without them. I know that. I also have to prove a point, I'm terrible like that, it's one sure fire way to be able to manipulate me. But this point I must prove to myself, this point that I will not be happy without them, cannot live without them. This isn't proper living. It's something between living and existence, sometimes this shadow pokes its head out into the bright sunlight of truly living, becoming human, but for the most part it remains in the gray area, a dead soul within a waking body.
Lalala Larissa gets gayly overdramatic again. It's because I'm tired. I talk complete crap, even more than usual, at this stage.
I don't want to be alone, with my mind having complete control, I don't want to expose myself to the vulnerability of sleep. Where the dark side of my mind can take control. And I can do nothing to stop it. I fear where these thoughts of mine can take me, to the black places where I don't want to go. I'd rather stay awake.
You know what, I want to fight for my right to life. Because I do have that right, that right to liiiive. And I am going to do exactly that. I want to live. I have to learn not to stop living, no matter what the pain. I have always believed that it is worth it in the end. No matter how now, I feel that I wish I was never friends with Jake because of how much I miss him, I know I don't really wish that. Because all the great memories are still there. I just really wish we could make more. I do love him so much.
Hmmm my mind is wandering, I'm changing subjects completely incoherently. I shall stop here, for now.