I must be strong; I've come so far, you know. Although at times it seems a good thing, I understand the destructiveness behind your deception. Your incredible power is so seductive, but then, you're well aware. You're enticing, addictive. And I've always had trouble saying no...
You work so cunningly, so slyly. Attacking with loneliness and the fear it brings me - a little low, don't you think? Not that I ever mistook you for being honourable. You'd use every weapon in your arsenal and more tricks beside to have me at your feet once more, in helpless, fawning, obeisance.
We've walked that road so many times.
I love the way that you toy with us, at times gentle, cloaking yourself in the guise of innocence. At other times tempting, playing on guilt, forceful. "Oh, it's not that bad. Not such a big deal." "You know you want to." "You can't keep away. You couldn't before." "You'll never be free of me." Then the blunt shot, wordless. The cravings.
So many methods to employ and so admirably determined. I particularly enjoy the way you leave and come back with a punch; unexpected desire so hard to ignore. Or when you return after enough time has elapsed that its difficult to remember your dark side, even if one recalls it with their mind. Such tactics.
But see, the things is, even though you are so powerful, this power is not all-encompassing. I can turn my back on you, I can look away. I can remain vigilant and fight you with everything I've got. And what have I learned? That you are not indestructible. This is a war I'll be fighting for a long time; perhaps the rest of my life, but I am taking this stance and I am not giving in. I will not fall to you no matter how you plead or scream. This is me saying "never again".
A year ago I was in darkness, slave to a blade and the desperate need to flee from myself, from reality. Blood and pain flowing freely in a darkened room, heart more lost and broken than alive. Today I am fighting and more sure of one thing than ever before, that "hope is not a myth".
It was never going to be easy. I've caved enough times before to know. And sometimes fighting takes more effort than I've got, causes more pain than I know how to bear. I try try try and sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. Sometimes it isn't enough. But today, its been a year since I last cut, last hurt myself on purpose, and I am so proud of how far I've come. I never thought that I could do this, so many times when all I could see was pain and hurt; inescapable cycle; and yet, I have reached the other side of this dark tunnel.
Hope is real.
I'm not going to lie; I will find myself in the dark with the want to escape many more times. And this time, each time, to you, addiction, monster that would have me trapped in your grip, I will say no. I do not belong to you. This is over.
I am free.
(I originally wrote this last night, right after the previous post, but it is fitting for today, no?)
Thursday, July 2, 2009
One Year Today. :)
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Re:
I don't want to make you upset. I never did, and I sucked at that, and I'm so sorry. I know my apologies are far too late and can never ever do enough.
I would have hurt her, I would have hurt her in any and every fucking way possible, if she had carried out or even tried to carry out any of this threats she made against you. Even just saying what she did. I know it's stupid to get involved in other people's fights, but you were my best friend, I would not take that. I could not take that. She said the stupidest things, she was ridiculous. I still have an MSN conversation saved in a word file callled Brandon the Hero, when her boyfriend was taking her side and trying to join in. What a dick. Of course I was there.
I don't know when I became so caught up in my own feelings, I don't know how I got that way, but no matter what, I would still defend you, I still do.
This upcoming music trip... I can't see you being alone. You were always so good at making friends. Even though things have changed so much now, with everyone, you wouldn't have that problem, would you? You're the pretty, bubbly, outgoing, funny one. Even though I usually try to hide it, I still feel awkward around people so much, not knowing what to say. Except with some. Like you.
What do I want? I don't know...
I want you to be fucking happy. Maybe you can't do that when you are friends with me. I try to be happy and although I'm getting better at it, sometimes I get upset for no reason, and moody and just strange.
And in that case, if my seemingly uncontrollable, volatile emotions prevent us from being friends, then in one way I don't want us to be friends again. Of course I do, I want it more than anything. But I don't want to make you sad, and I don't know if I can help it. God knows I've done it often enough already to last a lifetime.
I never wanted that. I never wanted to hurt you.
I never ever imagined we would find ourselves where we are today.
How could I ever imagine such a thing?
Sometimes, what happened is clear to me; at others, I just don't understand it.
I wish I had a definite idea of something. But I have no idea. And I have no idea what I specifically want.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I Think I'm Getting Dumber.
And you may think I'm secretly blonde once I have told you the story of why. My friend told me that I was dumber than Paris Hilton - I'm so ashamed. (There'll be a poll at the end, don't worry.)
And btw, my Google Reader is fucked at the moment, what with my following 207 blogs and all (yes, two hundred and freaking seven) so I'm desperately trying to catch up on everything and if I don't comment on some kick ass post, yeah sorry. I know you'll miss me. -_-
So today, I'm kind of disheartened because it seems like I'm turning into one of those people who break everything they touch to the point where it's just plain embarrassing rather than funny, and you kinda wonder whatthefuck their point on earth could possible be other than to make you feel like a person of more worth. Take, for instance, the character Frank of old BBC comedy "Some Mothers Do 'Ave Em", which my parents are currently watching on DVD.
Case in Point 1.
This morning, I was about to leave for school, when, with one last look in the mirror, I noticed a dark stain on my jumper. At first, I, somewhat confusedly, thought it was blood, possibly because at the same time I accidentally stabbed my finger on one of the open safety pins that were supposed to be holding the strap of my bag in place, although they do that barely. That broke again today, irrepairably. Or, you know, I came to that conclusion because I am quite simply, morbid as fuck. It was also a strange reversal of an incident that occurred many years ago when I was a child, when I cut my hand opening a tube of tennis balls (pulling off the foil covering under the lid) in the car in the dark and was bleeding all over the tennis balls but somehow thought it was ink or oil...
I soon realised it couldn't be, and was attempting to wash it off when I realised it was ink that must have leaked from a pen in the pocket of my jumper. In washing it out I left a huge wet mark on my jumper. I was already wearing my school bag and didn't want to waste time, so... I proceeded to try to iron the wet patch on my jumper... while still wearing it.
I always knew it was a stupid idea, although I guess I never really worked out why... I thought, it's my jumper, it's wet, so the heat won't penetrate to my skin. I AM INSANE.
Less than 5 seconds later, I yelped in pain. OHMYGOD. It was so hot.
Duh.
So I ended up ironing my jumper on the ironboard after removing it, leaving faint ink stains on the ironboard cover in the process.
As a friend pointed out to me, why the FUCK didn't I use the hairdryer on it?
It never even crossed my mind.
I fucking suck.
Case in Point 2.
Why is my school bag broken? Well, it all began when walking through the library doors, where they have the same sort of things on the side as at shops, to make sure no one just steals books. I caught my bag in one of these without realising, kept walking, and tore the strap off the bag at the bottom. I have been attempting to hold it together with a whole bunch of safety pins since the bag is plastic and I know that if I tried to sew it back, things would only worsen.
Safety pins really aren't doing it anymore.
Case in Point 3.
We had a Biology practical today which involved cutting up Agar into cubes. Agar is jelly-like, but firmer, and I amused myself by drawing on the leftovers with my pen that is not a ball-point and I can't work out what type it is. Said pen no longer works. At all.
It was new.
Case in Point 3.
Today we had Maths, since we don't have every lesson every weekday. I forgot my Maths workbook, textbook, and calculator. I'd say the only thing I had that was able to be used in that subject was my pen, but I had already destroyed that earlier, in Biology, and happened to have on hand a pen I have borrowed from somebody else, forgotten to return, and now cannot recall who owns it, and no one else seems to know.
I could go on for hours but it's becoming a little too depressing and I'm going out soon so time is not on my side, although thank God, in this situation.
I'm angry at myself, because in our Biology practical, we used razor blades to cut the cubes, and everyone laughed over the brand of these blades being "Happiness". The irony here is obvious, but the thing is, I contributed by saying something about Emos, etc. It's not hard to work out the gist of any of those comments. But the thing is, I have been there, I know certain other people in the same area have cut themselves and I was completely insensitive and cruel about it. Talk about contributing to the stereotype. Because it isn't funny, and even though some people do it for attention, a lot of the time that is because they need help but can't express it in a normal way. I've thought that since before I ever did it, but as to why I did, there are so many different reasons. And I could never have stopped without one particular person.
The first person I told besides the ex ex best friend, and who stuck around for my relapse and getting through trying to quit again. I can't remember if I ever told her how grateful I was and am to her, specifically, although there were many general thank-you's to all of my friends who helped in some way, and I hope so much that I did, because I don't think I could ever have stopped without her. And she was right there in the room and I wondered if the conversation reminded her of me - what a terrible thing to connect with me. I see her more often than the others, and its excruciating because I think of how this time would be spent if things hadn't gone the way they had. And even when sometimes I think, fuck it, I'm going to leave my arms and stomach in shreds and pouring with blood, it's for her I don't, although I don't even know if it matters to her anymore, and I half hope it does and half that it doesn't, because, really, which is worse? I don't know anymore. Better for her, better for me; is anything best for the both of us??
And why I am I speaking about her now when I have tried so hard and so long to block her out? That sounds terrible, but if I didn't I don't know what I would do. In some ways, that's the hardest to deal with, because we were the ones who talked. I'd tell them all the same stuff but just, it was different, with her. We talked in depth about freaking everything. And it's talking about the really serious shit and just typical teen matters that I miss. Just, the way that we talked. Kathleen is great, but. It's not the same.
Nothing with other people could ever be the same.
And finally, for the answer to my question, I actually let myself read her blog [and the other's] tonight and then, well, then I obviously couldn't block it anymore. Now I'm more confused than ever. And there's only four days to go and I don't want it to get here, because one was bad enough. And even though the day before I'd done the stupidest thing I could have, that was barely on my mind.
[And, well, I guess that maybe you're reading this [?] and I wonder what you'll be thinking, but I have nowhere left to go, and I decided a long time ago that this was where I would write what I was thinking. I don't fucking know, I hide in every other way, I don't want to leave here too.
So maybe I won't write that letter. Because half the time I'm writing to all of you on here anyway.
You know, this post began and I was determined not to think about you, to make it to you or about you, all of you, for once. But what you said is running through my head and I'm trying to make sure I understand.
I hope you'll never think he was more important. He was just the one who was around the most, and from all that time together, to nothing. Fuck. I still don't know, I still don't think it was that way. But I wonder. "What's it like to kiss someone with a beard?" I remembered her asking that the other day, when I'd told both of you about hooking up with the exbestfriend, and how you both laughed as we walked our separate ways to different classes. That made me laugh.
But you know what? I realised, months ago, that I can deal with not being his friend. I always knew we wouldn't be "best friends forever". But I truly thought that about you two, and I guess, I guess that we all thought that but, I dunno. Semester One exam week, last year, sitting at the shops; do you remember the old lady who had the hair like the scary woman from Spirited Away? And how after we laughed at her, we talked about how we had to still be friends when we were old and had grey hair?
It's things like that I wish I could forget.]
In other news, guys, I may be getting back with Jimit. We were talking about it, and I dunno. I do like him but a friend says it would be a bad idea for me to get into a relationship with anyone at the moment, and I know that's probably true, but I just disagree. I can't really think of a reason why not to, so enlighten me, as I'm sure I'm just too fucking blonde to realise.
Anyway, after the longest-ass and most rambly post I have written in fifty years, here is your poll. What is your opinion on my level of blondeness? Dumber than Paris Hilton, secretly blonde, dropped on my head as a child, my mother drank while pregnant with me, or what? All conclusions welcome ;)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Good News / Bad News?
I am really missing Chris.
P.S. I really want to someday find someone for me who the lyrics of this song will be just right for -
Here [In Your Arms] - Hellogoodbye Music Code
Update (11.41PM) : I have a confession. I'm delaying getting off the computer as much as I can, even with my mum yelling at me (a lot), because I don't want to go to bed. And to sleep. Where I will be alone.
I'm so scared to be alone. I just want someone, anyone to converse with.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Interview
That Damn Expat kindly put together an interview for me (ages ago, sorry for just getting around to it). If I were you and hadn't already done so, I'd check out her blog ^_^
So anyway, here are the interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Interview begins here (:
1. I've only been reading your blog for a few days. Introduce yourself in five sentences or less.
I'm sixteen years old and I find myself wanting to please others even more than sometimes doing what I know is right, which leads to a lot of mistakes made on my part, but I am learning to (hopefully) be a better person. I believe in God but I am a little bit confused on more of the specifics, I don't want to buy into Christianity because of my parents, but I want my own, personal faith; and the whole beliefs thing does affect quite a large portion of my life. I am very open about my emotions and events in my life, and perhaps don't always know when to keep my mouth shut. I am a very contradictory person, and although I'll always apologise first, I do hate to admit I'm wrong. I also attach sentimental value to everything, meaning I find it very hard when it comes to getting rid of things; but I like the physicality it lends to memories. I'm never quite the same today as I was yesterday, but I'm sure there are some things about me that will never change.
2. You have had some problems that you openly blog about. What is the one thing you learned about yourself through this ordeal?
I have slowly been learning to stop basing my self value on others' opinions of me, and rely more on myself. I am listening less and less to that voice that tells me I am insignificant and merely a burden to others; and I have learned that hope is always there, although sometimes we can't see it. Life is worth living and I do not plan on giving that up anytime soon.
I have also learned that I am stronger than I thought; for those of you who haven't been reading my blog for very long, I used to self harm, which is a very technical term that doesn't, I feel, really encompass all the issues behind it. I had tried to stop a few times before, but it was only when I decided to stop because I deserved better and I knew that I was worth more, even when I didn't truly believe that; when I decided to stop for my own sake, that I could do it. And I truly knew I could do it. Although there have been times when I have almost given in, I have held out. I'm not saying that I have stopped for good, there may be a time when I do give in. But I know I have the strength to keep going, and everytime I fall, there will be a chance for me to get up and move on. I have, in the past, relied on others as my motivation to keep going, but I understand that that was a way of shirking responsibility; quite simply, I was being lazy.
I'm much happier with myself these days and I feel I can be a better friend because I think I'm a decent person.
I make a lot of mistakes and screw up a lot, but there is still hope, and that's what I will always cling to. (:
That was probably a bit over the top lol
3. Who is the one person/author that had the biggest influence on your writing?
I'm not entirely sure, since I was 6 I have absolutely loved reading and writing, up until the age of 12 I used to read near constantly, I'd read anything I could get my hands on. I'd go through over 50 books in less than a week, children and teenage fiction, but I started reading adult fiction at 13. I used to (and still do) adore Enid Blyton books, the adventures that happened at the lands atop the Faraway Tree and in the places the Wishing Chair would take Molly and Peter were some of my favourites, and her school stories are the reason I really wish I went to boarding school. As for my parents, they've always encouraged me to write, and my dad used to proof read my stories and suggest improvements, which was great (:
I can't really think of any one person who influenced my writing specifically, but along with Enid Blyton I devoured Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys novels on a regular basis,
4. If you could do anything you want after high school, what would it be?
I would love to work with To Write Love On Her Arms to be able to spread their message of hope and community in such an amazing way, they truly are life changing and have had a massive impact on my life and many others. But, I would really like to have a career where I can help people in whatever way is best. I am considering a University course in Nursing, or perhaps Occupational Therapy, although I need to look into that more.
I definitely want to go to Uni, but first I need to get through Year 12!
Other than education and career wise, I'm not really sure. Travelling would be nice but I would need the money first and I want someone really fun to do it with. Road trips are part of the plan but a major international trip, even just to New Zealand, would be fabulous, perhaps with my best friend from primary school (:
I do eventually want a family, but I'm not really sure when. I don't feel the need to stringently plan out my future, but I do know that I don't ever want to be alone; which means not moving out of my parents' home till I have friends who I can live with, and since my parents aren't keen for me to move out too early, that shan't be happening for ages, which I am fine with.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
I'm not sure, I have thought about this before, but truthfully, I haven't seen that much of the world, there are so many possibilties out there that I still haven't explored. Adelaide is wonderful for growing up in, but I don't want to live in one city for my entire life; there are so many places to go and they're all so different. I love Australia, it is my home, but I'm not ruling out living in another country for some time...
I try not to worry too much about the future (:
Monday, January 12, 2009
I'm mentally spasming
how does it hurt this much?
it's been almost 5 months...
maybe more
it's almost her birthday
in 19 days!
i never thought this would go on for so long
i can feel it physically
after that last dream, i want to sleep all the time. because it gave me a possible future that i want but don't think is coming...
i feel so unnecessary.
Flash Player Codes by mailboxdrive.com
Friday, January 9, 2009
"Kill the Messenger,
I swear it's not me, It's just someone I used to know..."
In little over a month and a half, I shall be seeing that song played live
[Soundwave rant, irrelevant unless you live in Australia, and even then, most probably irrelevant lol]
For that matter, I'll be seeing
Jack's Mannequin,
Forever the Sickest Kids,
In Flames,
Houston Calls,
Hellogoodbye,
Anberlin,
Bedouin Soundclash,
Chiodos,
Finch (maybe),
Alice In Chains (maybe),
Billy Talent,
Bloodhound Gang (maybe),
From First to Last (maybe),
Saves the Day (maybe),
Say Anything (maybe),
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus,
Funeral For A Friend (maybe),
Lacuna Coil,
Madina Lake,
New Found Glory,
Valencia (maybe),
HORSE the Band (maybe),
all live ;D
and more if I decide I like the other bands there (:
Yay for the Soundwave Festival (: (:
I hope none of the bands I like are on at the same time >.<
But the bands I absolutely have to see who will be there would be
Billy Talent, Hellogoodbye, Jack's Mannequin, Anberlin, Forever the Sickest Kids and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, at this point in time. Houston Calls looks to be being added to that list very soon...
So excited for it.
And because To Write Love On Her Arms will be there (: I hope they will bring merch, I'll def be buying more of their other style tshirts and dog tags etc. (:
In other news, Russell Peters is a hilarious stand up comic (thanks Jef and YouTube); if you're not all politically correct about racism... It's funny, kay? ;P
UPDATE: I just realised the timetable for Soundwave is set up.
It starts at 11AM, finishes 10PM.
So here are the bands I am seeing (:
12PM - 12.30PM - Madina Lake
12.20 - 1 - Finch // 12.30 - 1.10 - Ace Enders [undecided as yet]
1.20 - 2 - JACK'S MANNEQUIN eeee [awww i can't see Alesana or Silverstein >=(]
2.15 - 2.50 - Forever the Sickest Kids (awww miss Saves the Day. Unless I decide I like them better... There's still time ;))
2.50 - 3.25 - Underoath
3.25 - 4 - Anberlin
4 - 4.40 - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus // 4.20 - 5 - Hellogoodbye aghhhh what do i do... Hmmm Ima go with RJA, coz I mean, what if I end up seeing "Will You Go To Prom With Me?"... lol if you haven't heard it, by Hellogoodbye, LOL wut =/
4.40 - 5.20 - Dillinger Escape Plan... maybe. if i don't try to get in to see Hellogoodbye for 20 minutes...
5.20 - AGHHHH. The Bloodhound Gang (-6.05), Alkaline Trio (-6), The Audition (-6), WHAT DO I DO???? lol. I haven't heard that much Bloodhound Gang, but I love one of their songs, but I like the Audition, they're pretty okay --> good... And I am pretty sure Alkaline Trio is great...
OHMYGOD /cries....
6.05 - 7.05 - Billy Talent// 6.20 - 7 - Chiodos// 6.20 - 7- Houston Calls// 6.15 - 6.50 - Lacuna Coil // 6. 20 - 7 - Horse The Band. I love all of these bands... What do I do??? Wahhh, cut out Horse the Band, yeah okay. Even Chiodos. But Billy Talent, Chiodos, Houston Calls or Lacuna Coil... I don't know. Maybe I could even cut out Chiodos. But that's it. What do I do??? /weeps LOL OH WHAT DO I DO????
7.10 - 8.10 - Alice In Chains OR 7.20 - 8 - New Found Glory // Say Anything // From First To Last
8.10 - 8.50 - In Flames. 8.20 - 9 - Face to Face // I Am The Avalanche // Emery
9.20 - 10 - Bedouin Soundclash // Funeral for A Friend // Bayside.
Ugh there's heaps I'll miss...
but that's still about 13 bands... that's pretty good...
Friday, January 2, 2009
Hello 2009
So it's a new year. I want it to feel different. I want to feel different. We're in a different state but it could be just another day in 2008. And yesterday, it was. Maybe the day before actually, is it past 12? I can't be bothered checking the time, but probably.
I've never been incredibly keen on birthdays. But one thing I really hate is how it never feels any different. Perhaps I place too much stock on feelings. And yet, every year, on my birthday, when some adult jovially says, "It doesn't feel any different, does it?", I reply with "no", because I never expected to feel any different, it's just another day, I'm just another day older than the year before. But I still wish something would change. Sure, things do change. Hit sixteen in Australia and you can apply for your Learner's License. Seventeen and you can legally have sex. Eighteen and you can buy alcohol, must vote, and would be tried as an adult in a court of law. According to law, you are an adult at eighteen. But who is the law to say?
Different people reach the point of maturity people would call adulthood at different times. Some may never even reach it. But years, ages, they're all just numbers, that essentially, don't really mean that much.
I woke up today and I still have the same feelings, I still miss my best friends and want them back, I still worry about my sister and want her to be happy and instead see her desperately sad; and feel helpless knowing that I can't do anything to help, hoping time will help, and less time rather than more, but knowing that with her self value, time may make it worse (post on that coming soon); I still know that I am selfish in too many ways, I still determine to change that each morning but forget in the space of a few minutes, I still hate my weight, I still try to decide if I like what I see in the mirror, I still get angry at mum and lose my temper too easily... So much is the same but I guess the idea of the New Year is that a new time has begun, an ending of the period before, when really, time continues on endlessly, relentlessly; and as such a new chance has presented itself for us. To make better on the time gone, to move past our mistakes, to go forward. Is that what the New Year is for?
Keeping times and dates is all well and good, we mark the events in our lives by these things, but if we allow ourselves to be ruled by the clock, then that is something I feel is somewhat wrong. We should note time, appreciate time, understand that we have a time to fit everything in, that we do not last forever, but I think if we rush to fit things into a schedule just to get everything done within a time frame, then we can make a great mistake. Don't get me wrong, schedules are a good idea, for work and such; but if we try to plan our personal lives in a way that we must cram family and people into spaces that are left by the essentials such as work and sleep, we can end up just trying to allot them a slice of our time, so that this becomes more of another task on our organiser, something we do so we know it has been done and we have fulfilled our duty.
I'm talking crap again, I know, what I'm saying again doesn't make all that much sense, confused with several different ideas together. Sorry, I get like this when I'm tired. Ignore the previous paragraph pl0x (:
Anyway, I wish you all a Happy New Year (I think for the second time?), and that it may be safe, happy and that you may grow and love and laugh and live, and only be bettered by years to come. (: Thanks to all the followers of my blog, this and the other, at the moment known as "Head In The Clouds". Thanks to everyone who has commented and to all you other bloggers out there who's blogs I have been blessed with reading.
Congratulations to That Damn Expat on your wedding on New Year's Eve, and a shout out here to Michael Rivera who has been most caring and supportive and not to mention a wonderful blogger whose posts I always eagerly read even when I fail miserably at commenting them, although I have things to say in response to most of his posts. Which reminds me Michael, your "2008 in review" post which I forget the actual name of, was great and I will comment it and your more recent posts soon, I promise! I am hoping that we will become good friends, I think the beginnings have definitely been sown (:
Yet another mention for Diary of an Old Fart", great blog, thank you so much for this gift to the blogging world, Mulled Vine (:
Anyway, to bed I must go, seven o' clock morning tomorrow. Some market or something. (I'm in Melbourne with my aunt's family at the moment)
night, xx
Thursday, January 1, 2009
OH. EM. GEE.
I've mentioned Soundwave before, it's a new music festival in Australia with a bunch of alternative / metal bands that are all really good in my opinion. Jack's Mannequin is newly added to the lineup, and I just found out Forever the Sickest Kids are too.
BUT.
I just found out, I think Jamie and a couple other TWLOHA people are coming down, in their 2008 review blog; they said they're coming back down to Australia for all the Soundwave shows.
Now, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. But if they're coming, there is no way I'm not!!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
You have no idea how much I would love to meet Jamie or anyone from TWLOHA. Insanely excited. Plus so much good music.
Now I just need $130... lol
And of course, HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone (: Hopefully it will be better than 2008 (:
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I'm scared that I'll still miss you even when you're right here.
I'm scared that this feeling will be permanent.
I don't just miss you. I miss what we had. I'm scared that will never come back. I'm scared that maybe I'll always want it, even need it.
I don't fully function without you. My life has sorta shut down since the three of you left it.
I cannot put it into words. You have no idea. Hopefully you never will. Hopefully you do. It hurts to breathe without you. It hurts to live without you. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like living. And when it does, that's painful too. Because my heart rebels against the idea that it could even be like this.
This half... thing we have right now is killing me.
And more than anything I'm scared, that I'll stop missing you. That I'll stop missing our friendship. I'm scared I'll move on. I want to keep this dependence.
p.s. Thought from Tatum Reid at Finding-me - "Trust: something that takes forever to build, and takes but an action... a word....a look... a second...to utterly destroy."
Thursday, December 25, 2008
There's only one thing I really want for Christmas
I'm not going to get it.
Things like that don't come wrapped up. Maybe it won't ever come at all. But I'll still wish for it, each and every time I catch the clock at 11.11. First just a thought, scared it will move to 11.12 before I'm done. Then in word form. And sometimes out loud, under my breath, just to make sure.
Next I'll run around the house waiting for each other clock to hit the same number, and I'll wish again. Just in case, I wish on 10.22PM too, because that's 22.22 in 24 hour time; perhaps that has some magical property too... And even though I don't even believe there's anything special about 11.11, I wish as hard as I can anyway. Because maybe it will help. Maybe.
Somehow.
For the first star I see each night, I stumble through the rhyme I barely know, just so I can make this wish.
"Star light, Star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I make a wish
With all my might.."
It's something along those lines...
I'm not superstitious. But I'll take the chance. It can't hurt. Nothing could hurt more than this
I'd do anything.
Just for some Simple Plan, "Another day, is going by, I'm thinking about you all the time... But now you're gone, And I can't think straight... I close my eyes, And all I see is you, I close my eyes, I try to sleep, I can't forget you."
"And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now."
These lyrics seem somewhat at odds to me. If I could rearrange them, they would look more like this: -
"You got me wrapped around you,
I can hardly breathe with you
So I was trying to disappear.
But I got lost in thoughts of you,"
Or something like that lol.
Mmm love the song. Half Alive by Secondhand Serenade. You have probably heard their song "Fall For You" lately. It's been getting loads of radio play, within half an hour, in three different shops, Kathleen and I heard it three times. In that entire day, we heard it about 10 times in different shops and in the car on the radio. I can't even bring myself to hate it because of all this mainstream exposure.
Yeah I don't know why but I hate listening to mainstream music that everyone knows. Although I like people liking the same music as me. I love the alternative scene. And I don't like the metal scene but I love the music (:
Anyhow, I heard Secondhand Serenade through my recommendations on Last.fm, not through the radio >.<
I'll explain more about this whole disliking radio music because it is radio music later, probs just add to this post.
Hope you're all having a great Christmas.
"Is it broken?
Can we work it out?"
I've never wanted anything more.
"Christmas time is buzzing in my skull"
Will it let me be?
I cannot tell."
So I love the Nightmare Before Christmas. And before I had the chance to blog about this much celebrated holiday, Christmas is upon us.
"There are so many things I cannot grasp
When I think I've got, and then at last
Through my bony fingers it does slip
Like a snowflake in a fiery grip"
As I have mentioned before, I am a member of a Christian family. Even practically all of my extended family are Catholics. When I say practically all, I mean there is literally one and he's married into the family, who is a non practicing Hindu. This, then, is the reason so many are surprised that we barely celebrate Christmas.
My parents will give my sister and I gifts, yes, but barely. It is more often than not in the form of money, which doesn't make for the most interesting of presents, although I can always do some more. What other presents we received were almost invariably actually given to us post-Christmas, thanks to the mid-financial year sales. Smart, yes. The only reason we actually do get presents is so "we don't feel left out". At least, this is what my parents used to tell others.
We also go look at Christmas lights, but that's about it.
The reason we don't celebrate Christmas is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. When missionaries first came to some large country, or possibly Europe; yeah I'm not too sure; anyhow the native people had lots of celebrations for their gods; the missionaries, not wanting converts to feel left out and become dissatisfied with Christianity, decided to designate this day as Christmas, "the birth of Jesus". And no one really knows which date Jesus actually was born on. So according to my parents, it's stupid to celebrate because of its origins. By my reasoning, it doesn't matter what the origins are, what matters is what it means to you as you celebrate it. For all the non Christians who celebrate Christmas, its a good time to spend with family and give each other gifts, and be joyful and all that jazz. In the same way, it can be to truly celebrate Christ's birth if we so wish.
One thing about me, I love traditions. I love the idea of heirlooms and I have tried to construct family trees, I love old things that continue on. I love the idea of Christmas, the festive spirit, although we all know it has been completely commercialised, but as I said before, I believe that its what you make it. Not even necessarily the idea of Santa; I never believed in Santa Claus either by the way. Not sure I'd want to, you'd be so disappointed when you find out he isn't real lol. And I'm not too keen in believing in something that isn't real. But Christmas in general seems like such a fun idea.
When I have my own family, we will celebrate Christmas. I determined this a long time ago. We will put up a tree and decorate it, and lights around the front of the house. Our family has put up a Christmas tree once during my life.
Another thing. My parents actually used to celebrate Christmas, when they were Catholics. When they became Christians, it was to become part of what some would call a "legalistic" church, that is, they wanted to abide by every possible law in the Bible, so it was very strict; they believed that women shouldn't really wear pants due to a Biblical passage stating that women shouldn't wear men's clothing; although my mum, my sister and I still did, but not to church. So that is where this idea came from. We have changed churches now, although there was actually much to admire about the beliefs of this former church of ours, but there is time for that in another post.
So anyhow, I hate that we don't really celebrate Christmas. I think my parents have finally begun to grasp that, although my mum worked this Christmas morning and the last one too; my mum encouraged my dad to take us out to The Pancake Kitchen for breakfast this morning, and we're having turkey for dinner, even though my mum thinks it is bland and disgusting ;P
Indians and all their spices >.<
I wouldn't mind celebrating Christmas the Indian way actually. It's amazing. Most people live in lanes or apartments in very small estates or apartments in Pune, where my family is from. Around Christmas, they hang huuuuge Christmas stars and other decorations right across the lanes and in the estates. There are Nativity scenes just as big placed around. Motorbikes and / or scooters are the preferred method of travel rather than cars in the city. So these things are so large they are practically fully blocking the streets and bikes can only just get through. They have Christmas shows in these lanes and almost everyone who lives in the lane or the estate, whichever, will participate. And there are fireworks, of course. There are so many people, everywhere. People sell fancy balloons by the road side, which admittedly happens most days of the year anyway. Beforehand, for weeks, people make handmade Indian sweets of all shapes and colours. /shrugs
It's good.
My surprise which I mentioned briefly the other day is that I finally got my Learner's. If you're not Australian, or South Australian, that's for driving, which you have to pass a theory test for. You have to do 50 hours of driving and hold it for a minimum of 6 months. During this time you can only drive with someone with their full license next to you in the passenger seat. You need to have a certain amount of lessons with a driving instructor also. After this, you can get your P1's. This is your provisional license, where you display P plates on your car, but can drive without a fully licensed person. After this, you can get your P2's, where you can take your P plates off, and after I don't know how long of this, you can eventually get your full license.
I failed the test the first time I went for it on my 16th in June, I got really confused on the give ways lol. So it took me this long to go back for the test, since I was so scared I'd fail it again. (You have to get all the give way questions correct, which is the first part of the test. The next is a bunch of multiple choice questions which you need to get 32 out of 40-something correct) But I only got one question wrong on the multiple choice this time C: I'm happy. I've already been driving a bit, I drove on the roads straightaway lol. I have driven before, but not on roads that are used by anyone else and not since last year. But it's fun (:
And I don't think my parents are so opposed to celebrating Christmas anymore, Mum is thinking of buying ornaments after Christmas for next year, and saying we could put our tree up next year, we still have our old one in the garage somewhere. I just find it sad that I missed Christmas properly, all these years. I would have loved to experience the excitement of waking up on Christmas morning, opening gifts that we had all given each other, spending the day together, having fun and doing family things. Although, we did a lot of family stuff when we were little. But the anticipation in a present being a surprise; it's been a long time since I've felt that. For years I've always known exactly what I was getting for my birthday or Christmas, have even been there when its been bought. In a way, it's good, it ensures that I will like it; but it doesn't have quite the same feeling...
That said, I think too much emphasis is placed on gifts with Christmas these days. Like I mentioned before, Christmas has been commercialised. Retailers place importance on how you need to get presents for other people, need to buy all this new stuff. The stress of this can make Christmas completely worthless. If you feel like you need to get someone else a present because they are getting you one, that is missing the point. You should be giving gifts in love, because you care about the person, and want to express it.
Mmm anyway, I'm done for now, may come back and add to this later, but as you can see, my thoughts are scattered and not well put into words. I need some more sleep. Ah well.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Hello world, this is me
For those of you who have recently started following my blog or would just like to know more about me, this is a little info on who I am and an indication of some of the matters I have and will continue to blog about. (:
One more thing before I begin, thank you very much for following and leaving comments, it's a great encouragement (:
I laugh a little too loud at my own jokes, I love a little too recklessly, and accidentally push away those I care about far too often...
I'm a little idealistic, I want to believe the best of everyone. At the same time, I'm that tiny bit cynical.
I want attention but hate it when I get it; I'm incredibly optimistic for a negative person, and I'm just as much of a contradiction as I'm sure you are.
To say I'm over-dramatic is something of an understatement; I overreact to each small incident as though it's World War III...
I love using quotes and song lyrics to explain how I feel and what I believe in.
I wish on stars and 11.11, although I don't believe in it. Just in case. Maybe you'll come back. I'm waiting. Hoping. With no idea what else I can do anymore.
I use faces a lot while typing to express the tone in which I'm saying something, sorry if it's irritating but I'm using age as my excuse. The main ones you'll see me use are :) ;) :( (: >=( >=| ;P :P :@[angry] :$ which are mainly derived from MSN. Then, there are these, which rather than being 90degrees off, are to be looking at full on - >.< which is a glare and >.> a sideways glare. I'm not assuming you're stupid or anything; I didn't understand what they were without an explanation.
Hey, at least I don't text type! Incorrect grammar is something I hate. Remember, I'm Australian, so it's not a spelling error when I write things like "realised" rather than "realized" or "centre" instead of "center"; we measure our temperature in degrees Celsius, weight in mg/g/kg, length in cm/m/km, etc. Sorry if that sounded at all pompous, it wasn't meant to be.
I'm really easily peer pressured, it's probably a good thing that on the important matters I have friends I want to please equally who have opposite views, and I tend to side with the safer ones, at least for now.
Call me old fashioned but I believe that marriage is something that should last forever, while divorce is understandable in some cases, a lot of the times, problems can be worked out if that's what both parties really want. I want to marry someone who I know without a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with, who will feel the same about me.
People are the most important thing, above popularity, wealth, success, above anything else; I strongly believe that every person is equal. This does not mean that everyone is equal in skill levels etc., but rather that as a human being, they have feelings, hopes, beliefs, and different things they can contribute to our global society, and as humans they are worth no more or no less than any other, whether royalty or homeless person.
Money and possessions don't guarantee happiness.
The movement "To Write Love On Her Arms" is something incredibly meaningful to me, I can't quite put into words just how much it means; for something that has helped me gain the courage to live life, to take a stand for myself against the very worst of me, to believe in hope and to keep going, how can I explain that? Renee Yohe, who is the reason the movement began, is someone I look up to greatly. Read her story here
I believe in the need for community, that we all need each other. We are made to interact and live with one another. We are meant to support and depend on each other as necessary. It is the best way to live, sharing each others' burdens.
I believe that "Global is not a nice idea. Global is reality", that we as humans need to put aside what society tells us is important - putting self before everyone else. For my blog on that, click here.
Jamie Tworkowski's [of To Write Love On Her Arms] blog on the subject is here.
I believe in God but I am not a Christian, although I believe in everything it is about and was brought up in Christian home.
I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance. Perhaps even a third or fourth, perhaps even more. Whether a person is capable of forgiving someone harmful actions that many times is another matter. But people do change. And if we don't give everyone another chance when they request one, how will we ever know if they are one of those who deserve this chance, who will change? Maybe I'm a little too forgiving...
I used to self harm and while I have stopped now [since the 2nd of July, 2008], and I strongly believe for good, it is something which has overreaching consequences and I still struggle with the urges to. I had attempted to stop in previous years, but relapsed a couple of times, but I think I am strong enough and have the right motives for wanting to stop this time. This used to take the form of cutting, burning, hitting my head, overdosing on painkillers, etc. It is something I feel is not talked about enough and many people write it off as something done by someone seeking attention, or "emos" or those who are suicidal. This is not the case and I think it is important to raise awareness about the realities of this issue.
I am 16 years old and in 2009 will be starting my final year of high school. With my interests being literature and society and environment, I will be doing English Studies, Classical Studies, German and Biology/preferably Modern History. After high school I want to go to Uni. I think I would like to be a nurse so this is what I am planning to study, however I love writing and dream of being a published author someday as well. My reasons for wanting to be a nurse are mainly that I passionately want to do something to help people, although I am fairly open and flexible as to where this may take me.
Writing is something I have done for years now, and it is something I have always seemed to be fairly good at, as others have told me. I am not so confident in my own skills, but would love to accept this. I'm told my writing seems far more mature than that of a sixteen year old, I'm happy with that. I find writing to be helpful when I am upset, confused, etc. I have rarely felt as helpless as when I was not able to express my emotions. I love writing narratives as well, as you can see in my other blog, however I am working on doing so with more regularity.
My family consists of my parents and my one younger sister, younger by 364 days ^_^
I don't get along with my mum at all, my dad somewhat, but my sister and I are fairly close these days (: I am very protective of her. And regardless, I love my family. My parents are Indian but both I and my sister were born here in Adelaide, South Australia and I consider myself Australian. In 1998 and 1999, my family lived in Auckland, New Zealand, and although it was great, we ultimately moved back here to Adelaide, which I have to say is even better, although many people hate it since it's so quiet and there isn't a lot to do...
This year has been a turbulent one for me. I became even closer with my two girl best friends and became best friends with the guy who lives across the road from me and also goes to the same school in the same year level. Three months ago within one and a half weeks, lost them all permanently, or so I thought. Miserable because of this, I resorted to overdosing on painkillers at school in an attempt to stop thinking just for a while. The last time I had done this was the 12th of November, 2007. My other friends who realised what I had done told our homegroup teacher; an ambulance was called, and I had to spend that night and the next day in hospital attached to a drip.
Lots of things have changed since then, I now see a counsellor regularly =/ but she's actually great. I think you'll find I am actually a very positive and hopeful person. I am still hoping to fix things with my friends, and just two days ago, my guy friend who I had completely given up on having him as a friend again began to talk to me. Things are still awkward but hope is pulsing through my veins so strongly that I am getting swept away. My friends mean a lot to me, but I overreact a lot.
During the self harm, I had been told that it was something I would later regret; however I cannot bring myself to regret any of it. There is no point in ruing the past, when we cannot change it. We can change the future and that is what we should focus on. Any bad experience can be made good of if we choose to, and often these things that we live through can be used to help other people. That is what I hope to do, to be able to help others who are struggling with the same things by understanding what they have gone through and using my knowledge to benefit them in some way, as Renee of TWLOHA has done for me and so many others. In her words, "that is what the pain was for, and that is worth it all, and more."
I will add to this later and any help from any of my friends who read this would be great ;P But that's all for now. (:
Saturday, December 13, 2008
This is actually really awesome
Yes, it's long. But it's such a great idea, I love it! Plus you get a free song when you subscribe to their mailing list... (L) Mae (: && LOVING FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS RIGHT NOW (: Album - Underdog Alma Mater (Y)
Subscribe to Mae mailing list for free song and updates
"As this new year begins, we are reminded that once again, on some level, our story begins anew. Our story is a collection of decisions that we work through every day. Those days connect and become years. Those years connect and become a life. Those lives connect and become a generation. Those generations connect and become history. We create and change the course of history with every decision. That is the power you hold in every one of your choices. That is the scope of your significance. You are a writer of history. It is not an option, it is a certainty. You may think that your voice is insignificant, but we invite you to come with us for one year, and we will show you over the course of that year exactly how significant your voice truly is.
Every month in 2009 we will be bringing you a new song that is part of a bigger story. These songs are like the hours that make up the day. These songs are like the months that make up the year. These songs are like years that make up a life. They are about the tiny choices we make that lead to large results. Sometimes these results are wonderful; sometimes they are terrible. We learn from both.
Three times during 2009 we will put these songs together and give you an EP. As we search to understand the meaning of our own stories we can shift our perspectives to see things under a different light. We expand our understanding in these moments. This is like finishing one chapter and moving to the next part of the story. These EPs represent the broad chapters of our life. They will be called:
(M)orning
(A)fternoon
(E)vening
(M)orning represents the beginning of the day, the beginning of the year, and the beginning of a life. It is our childhood. It is our fresh start. It is our new hope. It is the empty canvas of our minds and the beginning of our story.
(A)fternoon represents the middle of the day, summer turning into autumn, adulthood, parenthood, and the time in life to take control and write the story we want to leave behind.
(E)vening represents the end of the day, the return of winter, looking back at the end of our life, and preparing for death. This is the one time in our lives where our perspective is clearest and we see the arc of our story as a whole.
Here is the invitation and the promise. When you come to back to whatismae.com you will be able to hear all of the music for free. And we will make every song available as a digital download for a minimum donation of $1. Our promise to you is to commit every dollar earned through these digital downloads towards making the world a better place. We will be asking you to help us choose projects to focus on. The power of community is the strength of numbers. As we tie our voices, our resources, our minds, and most importantly our actions together, we will see the world change for the better over the course of this year.
Progress requires focus. In each of these chapters we will focus on certain issues and ask you to help us choose the best way to make a difference. We want to approach this in a way that aligns with the greater narrative. Here is how we will break it down:
(M)orning: [January - April] This is the season to focus on youth and help instill appreciation for music and the arts. Music is the world's language. It has the ability to bridge nations and to connect people. We have been changed by the power of music. That is a gift we want to share. Art goes hand in hand with music as a powerful voice of expression. Art shows us the world from the people's point of view. Art is the vessel of the human experience and it is a powerful weapon in the hands of truth. This is also the time to focus on education. Learning is what opens the doors to a better future. What aspects of the education system need our help? How do we educate ourselves to face the world's problems as they become ours to solve? These are the issues of Morning:
(M)usic
(A)rt
(E)ducation
(A)fternoon: [May - August] This is the season to consider the challenges we face as adults. The world is shrinking. We are connected through technology, economy, and destiny. No matter how diverse we are, we share a common humanity. Our unique cultural legacies should be respected and celebrated. Our wealth and prosperity inevitably rises and falls together. Who among us can truly celebrate our own prosperity when our neighbor starves to death? When we experience the world's poverty, it changes our priorities. Yet this economic progress must come with respect for the fragile and dynamic nature of our planet. We are building a future for our children and their great great grandchildren. What will their world look like? The choice is ours and we must consider this big picture with great respect for those who will come after us. These are the issues of Afternoon:
(M)ulti-Culturalism
(A)nti-Poverty
(E)nvironment
(E)vening: [September - December] This is the season to step back and see the bigger picture. We work and then we check our progress. This is how progress is made. When we make mistakes, we correct our mistake and resume the journey. We all make mistakes. What sets us apart is how we react to them and move beyond them. One day the students will become the teachers. One day the children will become the parents. Think about how we will inspire those who come after us to continue on the path to hope for everyone. What is the story we want to leave behind? Are we writing it with our actions? What do we want to world to be like? How do we get there? These are the issues of Evening.
(M)otivate
(A)ffect
(E)ngage
There will be countless opportunities for you to be involved during this process. We will be asking you to take photos throughout the year that tell us your story. We will use those photos in our art and in our live performances. We encourage you to share this music with everyone. Tell them what is going on. Invite them to be a part of this. We are your band and your community. This is a chance for you to take your love of music and make a difference in the world. You are the vital piece that completes this puzzle and we can not do it without you.
Our hope is that this music will inspire you to step back and look at the bigger picture we are all a part of. None of us are truly alone. Many times it feels like we are completely alone. In those moments, we hope that you find comfort in these sounds. We hope you remember that these words and melodies have been sung by many thousands of others, and their voices are tied to yours. We hope that your voice will sing along and find its place here in this community as we work together, as humble people, to make a difference in a world that needs our help.
To download "Somewhere," simply go here and use the password: thankyou. You can also read Dave's explanation about the origin of the song here.
Thank you,
Mae"
My Apologies Were Never Quite Enough
I just wanted to apologise for the banality of my posts lately, nothing very interesting at all, or if so, merely copy pasted, while acknowledging that.
I haven't written in a while, though my tremendously long posts leave something to be desired anyway; perhaps brevity? ^_^
I do tend to go off on tangents far too much. And I'm not too sure that all that many people enjoy my detailed insight on the mind of a reformed and hopefully staying reformed self harmer who still thinks about it a lot...
But, topics I am intending to write about soon:
- Why I hate Christmas
- Why I faintly want to be a part of the scene
- My thoughts on the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer
-The food thing these days
And so on and so forth.
I'll try to keep my three ex (?) best friends out of the picture, I think it's enough of the missing them in text for everyone to read, it must get old. Needless to say, it hasn't gotten old to me, I still miss them.
That's all for now, it's 12.53AM.
I'll be fixing up my iTunes for a couple of hours now (:
xx
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
GOODBYE YEAR 11
It is finished, forever, absolutely completely!!!!!!! Exams are all over...
(yn) (yn) crossing fingers we've all done well.
Well, actually I do have a bit of work to still hand in... Say nothing please.
OMG year 12 is next year
BUT, we got through year 11! And I did it with wearing my senior shirt for about 3 days, maybe a school week MAX. LOL. what will I do next year... Ehh
HURRAHHHHHHH (:
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS DAY TOMORROW
write Love on your arms and spread the word to everyone you can, the message that TWLOHA aims to put out there, that, mainly, of hope. i'ma wear my shirt yay
if you don't know what it is, www.twloha.com
ima gonna write short quotes by jamie / renee or just, love is the movement, or even just love, and then the website underneath on sticky notes and put them around the school
and write love on people's arms and the website address on there too if they don't know what it is
eeeeeeeeeee
pumped (:
now, thoughts on my hair being like in that blog down there?
like, two down..
I want hair like
this
girl on the right ----------------------------> ^
orrr on the left but not blonde
but different
coz it wouldn't suit me like that, gay
but like, black. and i like my hair short. though i kindah want it long as well. and i'd like pink bits but apparently that wouldn't suit me so maybe blue, bright blue. but then i'm not confident enough to pull it off in my fringe / right at the front, not all the time. besides parents would shoot me lol. and fringes are horrible when they grow out. okay, so fringe like girl on left, but black. izzy hilton? ehh some myspace whore most likely.
whatever. and yeahh hair like the girl on the right but less scene myspace whore and short like mine, heaps more choppy with layers and coloured bits from under the layers... /nods (:
orrr just that hah
cept i couldn't pull it off, nuh uh no way ;P
I have to fix this.
now. Soon it will be the holidays and then it will be too late. There's just over a week. I know I need to do it now. I knew it even before Sacha and Bec told me.
But I don't know what to do!
/freaks out
Sacha said the other night via myspace
"this whole thing is stupid
if you wanna talk to me and bec
just come and talk to us"
AGREED. THIS WHOLE THING IS STUPID
buuuut. they are always with someone else! how am i supposed to just go interrupt? i don't even know what to say
i don't even know if i have anything to say.
i can't think of anything
i don't know
help.
Monday, November 10, 2008
do you know what my biggest fear is at the moment?
that, even if we do try to fix things, it won't happen. because it's been too long, and too much mistrust has been built up
and i'm so scared.
because i want them back so bad
and in this time we've been apart, i've changed
i'm not sure how
but i know i have
i don't like it.
i'm just so scared because i need them back, but what if it doesn't work????
/fearful eyes
(L) Sacha Bec (yn) (yn)
and yeah.
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