Heartbreak comes in all shapes and sizes

and types too. And my heart is breaking, even more, over losing my best friend. I know that there is still a possibility with the other two, until there is no hope there I will keep myself somewhat together. But I don't think there is any hope whatsoever with him. And I need him. So much. Not even him, our friendship. Who am I kidding, I need him too. Of course I can never recreate that friendship with anyone else. Hah why am I talking to Paul a bit now, just, if I'm honest, to feel that little bit closer to him. Oh god. And even if he is talking to me, even if he's calling me an annoying cunt, God I would rather that than nothing, I can't take nothing, and even when he is saying anything, over bloody last.fm posts, I can't take that either.

I just, just hate that he could throw it away so, so easily. I hate how it meant so little to him when it meant practically everything to me. Our smallest arguments before that he didn't even see as arguments, sent me into massive freakouts and crying fits. I always knew this friendship was more to me than him, but I didn't think it would ever matter.

I feel so torn, wrenched apart inside. Jake you are breaking my heart. I don't want to live without you. I want you, I need you so much. I miss you so much. I can't even escape missing you in sleep, you're always in my dreams, dreams that I can't stand. hah nothing suss people, it's all normal friendship type stuff...

Jake I would give anything, I swear. Anything to fix this. I need you.

I miss you, so much.

Am I just being stupid? Some lady at my church, her husband has died. She will keep going on. But in some ways I think this is more painful, it is not of their choosing. I wouldn't know, I can't say, who am I to judge, I have never had anyone really close to me leave through death. My dad says I rely too much on people, I base my happiness and life on them. Which is why everything has fallen apart. I guess he's right.

People matter to me. Is that fucking wrong?

Shit, I'm crying again. Toivoa you're fucking pathetic. I just, want him to miss me at least. I want to know that he does care, just a little, after all. That he didn't let go of this so easily.

But he doesn't miss me, doesn't care, and he let go of our friendship like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. And this just keeps coming back.