I'm all out words, but I'll spill some to you regardless.

"Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone..."

Oh god I love that chorus.

I'm terrified.

Out of my fucking mind.

The thought of speaking to Sacha and Bec.

Why is there such a strong side to me that I have no control over? That terrifies me. eg. stops me talking to people for no reason, when i don't want to cut off communication with them!

I want to speak to them but I don't know what to say, I don't know what I'm going to say. Terrified terrified terrified.

Talking to Amanda was the best thing that happened to me all day. It was so good.

"Your dad wants you to have the very best, and he's given you every opportunity he could, and protected you from everything, and the reason he's disappointed, not because he's disappointed in Toivoa, because he's disappointed in himself, disappointed that he forget to protect you from one thing, he protected you from everything that could hurt you, except from yourself."

it was something like that. part of what she said. oh i love her so much. haha she doesn't like social workers very much either. she said so much helpful stuff. eh counsellor lady is pretty chill too. why do i keep saying things are chill? /kills self

lol.

I just had the strangest thought. it's not that odd, but it just came to me with odd clarity. "Jake is only a couple of metres away." Okay, more than a couple. But maybe 100 metres. I'm in the lounge room at the front of our house. And he is, unless he's on their laptop, in the room their computer is in at the front of his house. [he's on msn] hahhhh oh my god, i wish he was that close in other ways, the word to describe the way i mean happens to escape me..

Forgive me, my thoughts may jump around a lot tonight.

Damn Sam Lane was talking to me tonight, I have actually come to love that boy, he is so caring. Okay the fact that he is going out with Josh maaaajorly creeps me out still, but I guess I've come to that stage of being against something in theory but fine with it in practice. My parents' influence + my upbringing wearing down after being bombarded by this society we live in. Mmm. But okay, Sach and Bec, he told them about my overdosing and going to hospital. Not exactly thrilled about that. ^_^

Agh. I really didn't want them to know. But okay. Apparently they were just like "she's done stuff like that before". I would like to say, okay. But that really really hurts. I didn't want them to know, in case they would be upset by it. And I told myself not to think that, remember they said they didn't care. But I still deep down thought that they would. And now here I am trying to pretend to myself it's what I expected. But ow ow ow ow ow.

Hah. I want to sleep. I want to do work. I think, I'm picking up the "i need to be perfect" attitude, which is never healthy, but coupled with how i don't ever put in even any effort, that downright fucking sucks. Whyyy am I so unmotivated.

There are a thousand thoughts jumbled in my mind. Things counsellor has told me, things Amanda has said, things Sam Lane has said, neverending memories of Jake, and fearful, tentative hope for Sacha and Bec, worrying about what did happen, resentful of misunderstandings, not to mention Kylie hah, curious about where Ben heard what he heard,

seeing Zoe today and how that just wasn't as great as I thought it would be. Time alters how you remember people, you improve the ones you like, in your memory. Zoe is great but truly relate to everything I or Shazz says, sorry but no. It wasn't what I wanted, nor what I expected. It was nice, but frustrating. Empty. It shouldn't have been.

I've grown really apart from Shazz. We were so close, last year and first term this year during Youth Opps. I don't know what happened, a natural part of life, I guess. But, dude. I guess since we hadn't spent heaps of time together I hadn't noticed so pointedly as I have lately, these past couple of weeks. We've been together so much, and I don't know, it's not the same. We used to think the same, feel the same. It's different now. It's not that I don't trust her, but since I've realised that some of the more emotionally charged things I say to her is going to be fed through to teachers, well I dunno about now, but it was, I'm even more determined to remain on guard. Over the holidays I have lost a lot of trust in people. I am struggling to keep that, I do not want to turn out like my mum. Especially having a massive lecture to her about it, about how you need to rely on other people, how people need community, we were built to interact with one another, trust people, open up to people, not let bad experiences, betrayals, leave you bitter; but still keep that faith, that ability to trust. And definitely not, to not trust anyone, to try and keep things under wraps.

If I overdose on painkillers, I will tell who I want. Do not try to hide it, don't try to stop me from telling people, who I want to I shall, and accept that. You can't just hide these things away. Stop pretending mum! Not that you would pretend within the immediate family, only present that perfect facade to the outside world, at all costs. And honestly, what is the point? Oh I don't need to tell other people, I've got your dad, I've got God, to talk to; well that's all well and good, but God made us to have other people to rely on also! God works through a number of ways, he sends his comfort and advice to other people. Through church, can you not make friends that you can trust? How can you be oh so bitter? To trust people, is, yes, to risk pain, but without risks, what is life? And lol "no pain no gain". You risk that chance of being hurt terribly, but you also stand to gain an enormous amount of help and just wonderful relationships with other people.

I'm a very people orientated person, a community orientated person. I believe that people need each other. We do. Shazz, you may disagree, but I still say, you can only live life to the fullest, if living in this world and not wholly and utterly isolated; you will come across problems, and difficulties, and you need people to help you through that. Knowing you can rely on someone is a wonderful thing. Reassuring.

Mmm my mum is missing out. Sadface.

I would say I'm a fairly good judge of character, I do trust people within a short amount of time, but rarely thus far have I been wrong. Unless we want to start on boys, but that was mainly David, and there is good to David. If you can get past all that outer stuff, and if you can see the genuine, caring, loving Dave, you would fall in love with him. It's not something very many people get to see, or if they do, not for long. It's his fear of getting hurt that makes him distance himself from people he becomes close to, within a short amount of time. I miss that, that Dave I love. The other, dickhead one, he has his moments, but nothing so endearing. The gentleman one. Oh. It breaks my heart that not all that many people get to see that side. I still wonder, is that side actually just a lie he made up? I can't even tell anymore, but I want to believe the best in everyone and I choose to believe that part of him is real.

Shazz, I listen, and understand, but I tend to have more positive views I guess. I always have, but then I'm still the one who ended up in hospital for overdosing, not being allowed to go to school, losing my best friends, hurting myself way more, not working at school, with a not so great relationship with my parents, forcibly depriving myself of sleep;

I mean, for all my positive tipped thoughts, it's not really having that much of a positive effect on life. I also think the best of people. I refuse to accept that Ingham is a jerk, or Shazz, that you are a fuck up, simply because neither is true. I am incredibly empathetic and I cannot be angry at Ingham. If I distance myself I can, but I choose not to. Ms George, I did, and thus am still angry about. I understand why you're angry at Ingham but I understand the reasons for the way he has reacted.

Another thing, yeah I have noticed I am empathetic, yes, and I pick up other people's emotions and they influence mine easily, but I know that if I want, I can just completely switch it off, go into stony, cold Toivoa. That worries me, I've done it a little, but I don't want to have the capability of being that icy person. Because I know it isn't good. I never wanting to lose feelings. At least if I'm hurting, I know that I'm alive.

Not that that last line has relevance in context, it's just that I don't want to stop feeling. Being numb is a fear of mine. Like losing the people I love. Ohhh you did real well there Toivoa.

Mmmm rambling, rambling, this is a really long blog. it's completely incoherent, and shazz, I am sorry if any of this is offensive. It's not meant to be. it's merely observations. I admire you for your perseverance, your strength, your fighting for so long, I am so proud of how hard you are working. Don't give up darling, you're doing better than you know.

I think I have a slight girl crush on Lynley. Like, not like I actual like her, but there is definite "If I was a guy" thinking hah. :| Dear god.

In other news, my Friday night absolutely kicked ass. It was so good man. I loved it (:

Mmmmmlalalammmlalala. I'm hell tired. It's only 11:33.

i want random people to read my blog and subscribe lol. that would be awesome.

xx