Post title later.

"It could be life threatening."

How do I explain what went through me at those whispered words, sounded so slowly, so carefully?

I didn't panic, I didn't go cold. I didn't quite stop breathing. My chest didn't quite constrict, but rather, it felt like something fell out of place inside me. And thoughts leapt into my mind, but they were merely conscious thoughts of usually subconscious actions. I felt my brain's instructions to breathe, for my heart to pump, to process this information. I remained very still, my face pressed close against his to hear each word. I think there was a small part of me that immediately starting screaming but it was boxed away so tightly, before it even began, that I felt no panic. But it was as though the world had suddenly become dreadfully wrong.

My boyfriend has a serious heart problem. It causes him an incredible uncontrollable amount of pain at times. Thus far the doctors don't know what it is. The results from tests he took on Friday may show what it is. It may be life threatening. And if not, well they still won't know what it is.

I can't describe to you what it is like to see him go through so much pain. To have to hold my face straight and stop those tears. I can't make it more painful for him. Some times at night his mum hears him and goes to comfort him. Some times she cries. I save my tears for myself. It is the least I can do. Not that I blame his mum, having to see her child go through that.

Do you know what scares the shit out of me? Honestly, that the worst I have seen, is nowhere near as bad as it does get. So bad that as I found out on Friday night, he has tried various things to stop it. He has stopped eating for three days straight, he has tried punching himself in the heart when it happens and finally, he began to use a hammer to hit himself in the back of the head, just to distract himself from the pain. I could barely stop the cry that wanted to escape my mouth as he told me this, because I understand why he does it, because the pain is so bad. But it hurts so much to know he is resorting to this. It is the reason for all his headaches lately. He hasn't done it in a while though, thank God. But I don't even know which is worse, him doing that, or trying to deal with such excruciating pain. It tears me apart, all I want is to make it stop. I would take it myself, if I could. I would take it all and I would not regret that for a second.

But I can't

And that only makes it more painful to watch. How do parents, family members go through these things, knowing they would give their lives, they would do anything to prevent their loved one from suffering, but they cannot? That all they can do is wait, and watch, and pray, and hope. Hold, comfort, wipe tears.

Not that I've seen Jimit cry. He wouldn't cry over this. He can't even remember the last time he properly cried. But the last time he shed a tear was over his baby cousin going in for heart surgery. I love that his heart is for others, I love that he would get in a fight with a guy in order to defend his self harming friend who descended into such darkness because of the dickhead messing with her emotions in the most terrible ways. In order to protect another of his friends from falling into his sadistic trap.

I'm glad that I help his pain by being there, holding him through it, holding him as tight as I can even when he tries to push me away because a part of him is scared he will hurt me. I'm glad that in his sleep I can calm it down so it doesn't hurt anymore, and I wish I could do that whilst he is awake.

I love how recently, when he is asleep, a part of him talks to me, and tells me these things, and converses with me, as strange as it is. It's just another part of our relationship, which is already full of random things. And that's why I love 'us'.

I love how he talks to me about my own time of hurting myself, I love how sometimes he kisses my scars as though he is trying to take away all the pain I ever felt, and I am glad that in some way I make his pain less. I just wish I could do it all the time.

And right now, I am so scared.

Any minute now, he will call me. And then I will know if it is life threating or not.

Even if it's not, what do we do?

It's six minutes past 3:30. And a part of me is terrified that he's late calling because it is bad news.

iloveyousomuch

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Summary only...

In which I attempt to crack the Lameness scale

I have a confession. I kinda hope Chip will end up being the man I marry.

It's ridiculous. I can't imagine ever being married to him. He's Indian! That's not the real reason, of course. That he is Indian provides us with the fact that his family background and thus upbringing is so similar to mine that adds to what we can relate on and brings us closer together. There are things that you can only understand if you are growing up in another culture so different to that whence your parents came.

The small ways in which he doesn't understand me that are of huge significance are a contribution. Considering this, he can read my most subtle face expressions with a scary degree of accuracy, pinpointing exactly what is happening in my mind. A faraway look and combined with his knowledge of my life and the situation and he can work out that I am missing the exbestfriend. There is more, much more, but how can I explain it all?

There are various little things that make me certain I could never spend my whole life with him.

And yet...

He sets a high standard. I can't detail the numerous little things he does that make me realise how much he cares about me; the way he texts me twice daily to remind me to take my vitamins, the way he kisses my scars like he wants to take away all the pain I've ever felt. The way he was so happy at my one year anniversary of ending the self harm. The way he talks to me in depth about it and holds my face in the dark to make sure I'm not crying when I remember the way my parents reacted. How, when I get upset because I'm convinced I am a bad girlfriend, he laughs at the idea like its the most ridiculous thing in the world and proceeds to assure me.

I love that even if he has just picked me up for the night and he is perfectly awake, when he sees that I am exhausted, urges me to sleep and rest, and just holds me as I sleep, for hours. I love that he thinks I am beautiful, with clothes on, and how whenever I get shy or awkward he just laughs and tells me he loves me without any frustration.

I love that he wants to spend as much time with me as he can and that he trusts me, I love his strong stance against cheating and the way he talks about me to randoms when he's not with me. I love the way he calls me when he's drunk, and the way he makes me do my homework.

I love how even when he is in excruciating pain due to an unknown problem with his heart, he is most concerned about accidentally hurting me, and the way that I actually make it stop sooner and usually hurt less, just by being around.

I love that last time I saw him, he talked to me while he was sleeping, and in pain in his sleep, I could make him stop hurting just by whispering soothing words. I love the way he tries to make light of how serious the pain is, but told me in his sleep. And the way that even in his sleep, he kept whispering "I love you so much".

Through all my terrible mood swings of late when I grow incredibly self destructive and almost break up with him for the sake of causing myself pain, when I yell at him and cry and am cranky and upset and terrible to be around, he stays to talk me through it, and will come get me if he can. I love how he makes me feel better and how he's just as happy to spend hours talking as making out.

There are a million and one things he does that continually raise my ability to value myself, not too much, but closer to enough; and reassure me that somehow, I am worthy of being loved. To have someone put up so well with all the crap I put them through, and still love me as much; and for all the important matters on which we think the same, I wonder, can I find something this amazing with someone else that will last the years?

I hope so.

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"What in the world's come over me?"

Having a boyfriend who's so thin makes me want to cry. Or stop eating for a week. Or stick my fingers down my throat.

Whatever works.

Because I'm scared he'll judge me like I judge myself; that even though he likes me it won't be enough just because I'm not that pretty and my body isn't that great either and I'm scared that he'll realise I'm not so hot and not someone he wants to be seen with (which he doesn't anyway by his relatives and the like but that's for a perfectly justifiable reason aka although he's 18 he's not allowed to date and would be shot if he was found to), and he will stop liking me.

It is so much easier to be confident when we were just friends with benefits coz damn, I knew he wouldn't kiss me if he didn't find me attractive. And I know it makes no sense as to why he would lose that now that we're a couple, but I've never been one to work by logic, even at the best of times.

I hate that I care so much. But this relationship has been a long long time coming, even though I never thought it actually would, and I want it to last for a long, long time too...

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Sleepless nights.

I know, my posts lately have been few, and apart from those sporadic bursts, far between. I haven't been sleeping much, and thus school work isn't getting done, but I'm actually pretty good lately. I miss having time to blog, but I can barely focus.

Words seem to flee when I hit "Create Post", so my apologies.

I am absolutely headfucked when it comes to doing assignments and concentrating and understanding concepts. I need sleep but I'm at a stage where I'm so used to the lack of it that I can't bring myself to do it. I am growing ever more averse to it, distaste for it growing stronger in my mouth, but I know I need it soon or I will crash and burn. I need my eight hours a night, and more.

My eyes feel like they have had acid applied to them with an eye drop. Which, I can assure you, hasn't occurred.

The days are buzzing with talk of Formal [prom] which isn't till December the 3rd, talk of limousines, dates, dresses, and the after-party. I'm thinking how if things had stayed the way they were, I'd have loved to go with the exbestfriend. Because, well, we were best friends. And it's not like we had anyone else. Now, it's a toss up between my best friend's friend Tahali and my boyfriend, and personally, I'm inclined to go with the former. Don't judge me for not wanting to take my boyfriend simply because he's of the same racial ancestry. It's not that I'm shallow, it's that I worry excessively over what I think people will think...

How do I explain that "my head is screaming Get a grip, girl, unless you're dying to cry your heart out"? Because damnit I like Jimit far too much far too soon. We're just going for casual, I know that. Our friendship, everything between us, ever, has been casual. I hope it develops into more though, but I have to remind myself not to push it. I don't want to kill this, especially since we're both so terrible at relationships. But we have talked about these things a million times, before and even now, and we want essentially the same things, apart from this new desire I find myself having for a serious relationship; and we think the same a lot of the time on the subject. We get along really well and we both really hope this works because we're both sick of shitty short relationships.

There are so many things going for this.

And already I'm scared that I'll fuck it up.


I'll come rewrite this when I'm better, and write it well. For now, if you care this much, I'm sorry but you'll have to make do.

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"And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through"

"... and my eyes are screaming for the sight of you."

i'd still do anything for him. i still love him.

but i don't really miss him so much anymore.

i go almost whole days without thinking about him. i can last a week, at least, without truly recollecting a memory, with reliving it, and missing him, like a stab to the heart.

i mean, sure, the other day, i used my sister's deodorant, and, turns out it was one i used to use back then. and i thought of a night with you, on a rooftop, talking and just spending time. i know that moment was special for both of us, perhaps more so for me, but still. you told me so.

the rescue car, that other car, the drop bear, the drain... our private jokes.

and yes, in a recent post about Jimit, i mentioned kissing the exbestfriend. And even now if I think about it I get lost in those memories so easily.

But gone are the times of memories involving him flooding over me at any random moment, unexpectedly, or due to a tiny association. If I go into those memories, it is mainly at will.

Only, just then. Another of them wrote something on Failbook about wearing her boyfriend's t-shirt, which smells like him. And, that was one of my favourite things about you, to be honest. I know it sounds ridiculous, but you had the best smell. I loved how after we'd snuck out on our walks together at night, I'd come home and fall asleep with your smell in my hair and from that, on my pillow, and on my hoodie. I loved wearing your jackets, even though they were huge. The strangest moment was lying with you in your bed one day, our lips touching, barely breathing, and although I was also freaked out by it, I couldn't help but love that moment. That was when our friendship began to blur, shortly before we first hooked up.

Her post sent me back to so many memories, so many connections revolve around that, your smell. I love your smell. MySpace surveys and the like ask what your favourite smell is and of course I can't say you... But, that's the truth. I loved going to sleep smelling like you. I loved being around you, in every single way. Even when you were stubborn and frustrating and even when we argued. And I loved it when you hugged me back as enthusiastically as I hugged you, and when you put your arms around me, and held me, and when you tried to stop me from being scared.

I think I'm only now starting to realise that maybe, maybe my other two best friends were right. I really did like him, didn't I? A lot.

Shit.

"If truth be told, I miss you.
Truth be told, I'm lying."

But anyway, it's been good talking to her. Even just a little. Right?

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Update, Because I Suck at Post Titles.

Well, guys, I meant to post yesterday, but my mind was extremely sleep deprived and words weren't making sense coming out of my mouth. Eight hours of sleep over two nights will do that to you. Or me, at least.

I'm not much better today and if I'd had access to a computer in the morning at school, you'd all have had the many joys of reading another self-pity post. However, many factors contributed, including the lack of sleep. I got my period later today so I guess that was a problem but I also didn't take my Vitamin D tablets the day before and I think that actually had a huge impact... which is slightly worrying. I also overreact to things a lot. What can I say, I'm an overly sensitive soul... To the point where if I actually told people about certain things I get upset over I would be shot. Really.

A friend of mine keeps joking about how I talk too much and wonders why she is even friends with me. I know I know I know that it is just a joke and sometimes I am highly irritating but when it reflects how I used to feel and when I am as already low as I have been, I don't really take it too well, although I try to hide it, how successful I am I can't say. Just little things like that...

I've also, in case you haven't noticed with a post last week or so, I've been breaking things accidentally and being even more clumsy than usual, walking into things, spilling other people's drinks while they are holding it, dropping everything, and it makes me kind of feel like a fuck up at life. It's just getting so bad that it's past the point of amusing. So that has been making me feel sad.

I'm so stupid, I always manage to let little things upset me, even when there are good things happening! Because, I have news. Good news (:

I am going out with Jimit... Which I'm very happy about, and will probably go into more in another post later. I never thought it would actually happen, although we talked about it. But I'm glad it has.

Vinnie, Kathleen's friend who I kinda have a little thing for, but we don't know each other well enough to be anything more than friends, although we get along really well, is planning to ask me to formal at his school. Which, for those of you not from Australia, is prom. Of course, I'm not supposed to know about it yet, but Kat gave me a heads up, obviously. And the thing is, Kat and I were planning to get him to ask me, since both of us wanted me to go, because she goes to the same school as he does. So when he mentioned to her that he wanted to ask me, she was pretty excited, and so was I, in turn.

And the best thing of all, kinda, is that I started talking to those best friends two nights ago. When I say I started, it was more that they initiated it, because, well, I hadn't really had a chance to get around to trying to work out how to talk. Sure, it was only via MSN, but that's better than nothing, right? Only, I wasn't online last night, since... well, I barely ever use it anymore because I only ever really used it to talk to the exbestfriend and one of them, since the other couldn't get internet access at her house at the time. And as to why I say kinda is because I am the paranoid type, who is very unsure. What if they thought it sucked? Since I've seen one of them at school in the two days since, do I say hi? I haven't really been able to since we haven't made eye contact or that kind of thing, you know those awkward moments... So what do I do? I don't know and I'm so nervous and unsure.

Okay. Now that, I've got all of this out on my blog so you know what's happening, I can no longer put off writing a Poetry oral that I must do tomorrow for English Studies. I despise Poetry... Wish me luck!

Night xx

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post title coming soon.

I can't help it, I know I have him. Jimit, I mean. And I want him. He's probably the only decent guy I've been with (I'll explain the Chris thing another time), so a) thanks to my, friend, Becca... who encouraged me to go for it in the first place, even though that was largely because she wanted to get the exbestfriend jealous so we would get together, and b) I'm trying to be really careful.

Since a particular incident, with guys I like, I am kinda... more sexual. Not in a huge way but just a tiny little bit. And the thing is, after this whole mess, I don't want to go that way again for a long time yet. Hooking up is about as far as I want to go, and not even random hook ups.

It scared the shit out of me, kinda, and I find myself wanting even more to be with a guy who I feel safe with. After all, I've known Jimit for years now. He's a great friend and he's amazing. I've liked him before and I don't know if I'm sticking to the reassuring comfort of our relationship or if its our renewed contact when we had lost touch a little for a few months previously, which is really the only reason why we were no longer together, and then of course we moved on.

But like I think I've mentioned, I keep realising that there is far more depth to him than I had initially thought. He's the first guy in a long time who is smarter than me, on a completely intellectual level. Italics Boy and Chris... Ehh. Especially Chris. I like it when I can have a decent conversation with someone.

That's not the problem. I can't quite remember, but I think I may even like him more this time, and I liked him a lot last time, when he was almost the only stable thing in my life. Again, even that is not the problem.

Especially while intoxicated (hey, here's a solution - don't freaking drink!), I go a little bit further than I mean to. I don't know how to explain it. It's more that I imply going further, or something. But I really don't want to! And then I'm scared that if this other person, whoever they may be, at any future time, gets that idea, I will feel bad for implicating that and will go along with it because I don't know how too extricate myself.

I've already decided not to drink with anyone but good friends, and Jimit is a good friend, but it is myself that I can't trust, if I'm honest with myself. Although he isn't like that, what if I then insist on something, god knows what exactly..? Because I can see myself doing that, for the reason that I want to make him happy and "guys want sex" and that whole idea, no matter that I'd rather die.

And then my definite following resentment would result in getting pissed off at him, and that would ruin our friendship. Even though I want more.

I can't get enough of him, of talking to him by phone call, by text, by IM, by Failbook; when I'm around him I want some physical contact all the time, whether it's hugging him, holding hands, or just, any little thing. I like just watching him talk to other people, even though I realise that's creepy. And I want to kiss him, and even when I do it's not enough, and I want more. I want to kiss him until I can't breathe, and apart from the night I first hooked up with Chris (alcohol was involved here too... See a trend?), the last time I wanted that or actually got that was with Jimit, and before that with the exbestfriend. Which was different altogether but let's not go there because that was in a memory collection all on its own and how do I explain that? The roughness of his stupid half grown beard against my palm and the feel of his jawbone beneath that, other hand entwined in his also kinda stupid long hair to keep our heads as close together as possible, with him doing the same, except for, you know, my lack of facial hair... And my hair was a perfectly decent length! I'll stop now because I know, it's sickening, and no one on god's green earth ever wants to know, but in remembering moments like that, how can I argue that I didn't like him as more than a friend?

It sounds so ridiculous I've been trying to avoid the word, but, it's passion. And I never thought I'd like Jimit so much.

This post is so awkward so it's going to end now. ;p

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/keyyboard mash.

The sickly sweet taste of cheep alcohol drunk for social ease is lingering and I want it gone. Every single time I have ever been tipsy - drunk, something bad has happened. Why do I persist in this?

The first time I was drunk I cut myself. And it was crazy, those gashes and that spurting of blood, and my reaction was one of both exhiliration and fear. Then there was the time I upset my best friends. I cried for a week over that till I finally got off my ass and tried to talk to them. Did I learn from that? Hell no. Then there was how I lost my virginity. And all the stupid shit those other times. I saw him the other day... I went to smile at him, but then I saw the awkward look he gave me, and remembered and ended up with a wry smile of acknowledgement. Ridiculous. I'd still have wanted to be friends.

This time I pissed off Jimit. Just a little, and he's so forgiving. I keep realising that there is far more depth to him than I initially thought, and I love that. But ohmygod, I can barely keep myself away from /off him, even when I'm sober and trying. It wasn't that which made him angry, there was more to it. But ugh. He was already let down by one of his best friends not coming to his 18th, and then I, one of his good friends, went and got drunk at a no alcohol party due to his parents' strictness. I don't understand how I have such good and forgiving and caring and understanding friends, when time and time again I have shown I don't deserve that and don't do enough to change anything.

I am talking to him now in our customary nightly manner...

How can I ever tell him that I like him again? A lot?

You know the stupidest thing I ever did? It was this text message I sent once, to my best friends, telling them how many scars I had from self harming. To this day, I wonder why the fuck I did that. Why??? There are so many things I did wrong. Why can't we have the benfit of hindsight at the very time??? Why do I follow through with my stupid ideas?

I'm so tired.

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Regret, or something like it.

Referring back to this incident, even at the time, in my inebriated state, I knew I was going to regret it. As I have already said. But there is more to it.

I've always wanted to make other people happy. I've always wanted everyone to like me. Even if I didn't like them. I hatehatehate being disliked or looked down on by anyone, and this is often conflicting for me. I'll still often do things I don't want to do and aren't necessarily good for me either, simply because it's what the other person wants. But if you make me feel needed, loved, pretty, wanted, or anything positive, you're almost definitely going to get whatever it is you want. Conversely, I feel guilty very easily so you can play that card too. I know, I should stand up for myself, but I have this slight neediness when it comes to other people... Working on it, kinda.

That night, I remember MF saying that he had hoped this would happen. My mental reaction was to raise my eyebrows, but god only knows what expression was plastered across my face. I remember him saying that he found me really hot and he had wanted to get with me but hadn't expected that he could... I remember thinking that he was just saying this because he really just wanted to get laid but at that moment I would just pretend he meant it and accept it even though I didn't believe it. I remember thinking that I was pathetic to be so desperately needy for compliments and to feel desirable that I would compromise my values and my self-worth just so I could pretend I was wanted for a while.

I remember how gentle he acted and how he looked worried and kept saying he didn't want to hurt me, and yet it was really too late anyway, because it hurt so much, but at the time I didn't care, and I knew that was ridiculous. I remember him saying that he felt bad for me because I kept calling the ExBestFriend and only getting through to his voicemail, and my thinking that he probably actually couldn't care less.

I remember rambling about how I was so very drunk and that I got drunk so fast, thinking that being such a lightweight was embarrassing, and him saying that he wasn't that drunk. I remember hating the idea of that because it was unfair, and he knew what he was doing and that showed his lack of respect for me even though I agreed to it, and because he would be able to better remember it afterwards, when I knew I would want to forget it utterly.

And throughout it all I was trying, and failing, to berate myself for this, wondering why I didn't care at the moment, even though I knew I would later, and trying to make myself so that I would stop; wondering what was wrong with me and how much I would hate myself for this later. But at the time I just didn't care.

And that is what has me so perplexed that I still cannot get my head around it...

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Oh yah, it's Easter. Happy Easter and all that crap

So I was all like, I really want to blog this Sunday night on Easter, since it's been a few days. I racked my brains for hours (or the minutes in between episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Yes, I have that little of a life. Although, I am killing time till I go out, so there.) However, my brain isn't really a fountain of ideas at the best of times. So as I started this post with literally nothing to write about, I mentioned Avatar, and because I am a kind and good person, gave you a link for those of you who are curious. Now, what site did I link you to? The official website for this show, which there must be because everything has a website now? Hell no.

The link leads to the freaking Wikipedia article about it. Now, we've all been told by respective teachers and god knows who else that Wikipedia cannot be trusted. In fact, most sources on the internet "are not reliable". But come on, does anyone really believe that? I mean, everything on this blog is a hundred percent true. ;) Hmmm. Let me think about that.

No, no, actually, I think that is correct. Except those times when I write stuff and say "That was a lie" right after it... Yeah.

On a side note, I think it's pretty cool that my blog is getting hits from faraway places like South Africa, Spain and Brazil. From people who are actually reading and spending a number of their minutes of their life actually reading what I have to say. When seriously, what I have to say is... well, a whole lot of nothing, really.

Hmmm, anyway. So, Wikipedia. If you're like me, you've edited a Wikipedia post yourself, adding a whole lot of crap. The ex best friend showed me a post that had been mangled hilariously once, and come on, it's a lot of fun. And yet, we still trust what we read there! Unless, I hope, it has been obviously edited...

We are slaves to the interwebs. I, in particular, am slave to the blogosphere. I cannot part from it for long, even if I am not posting, or even commenting, but merely lurking. Yes, I lurk. I know.

I'm kind of obsessed with the Death Cab For Cutie song I have playing on my blog. That said, I am aware that music that automatically plays on any site is irritating as shit and anyone who causes it to happen besides the love of my life aka MySpace, which I have sadly been parted from for far too long, should be shot in the head... So shoot me.

I'll delete it soon, I swear.

Anyway, off to Movie Marathon it up or some shit my best friend and I haven't actually worked out yet but are trying to and failing because she is trying to make me make a decision from our one option. We only have ONE option, how can I not make a decision? I guess I'm just not willing to commit.

Which reminds me, Chris and I have pretty much broken up. Much hurrays and also much boos. Pro number one - Jimit is now friend with benefits again hellz yeah. I mean sure, we only hook up so perhaps friends with benefits isn't the right definition, but w/e. Okay I'm trying to look at/on the bright side and I suck, but I am actually happy about that which was one of the major downsides, in my view, of going out with Chris. I'm a terrible person.

I suck at life aha. Good night interwebs.

EDIT: What the shit is it about Easter that makes people say peeps? Not one, but two bloggers happen to have posted today using "peeps" in the title of their post. Yes, only two. But come on, it's not a common word... Just go with me on this one kayy?

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Good News / Bad News?

I am really missing Chris.

P.S. I really want to someday find someone for me who the lyrics of this song will be just right for -


Here [In Your Arms] - Hellogoodbye Music Code


Update (11.41PM) : I have a confession. I'm delaying getting off the computer as much as I can, even with my mum yelling at me (a lot), because I don't want to go to bed. And to sleep. Where I will be alone.

I'm so scared to be alone. I just want someone, anyone to converse with.

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Miscellanenous

I'm so tired. Thank god a major English assignment is finally out of the way. It's not even worth much so I'm just relieved I have done it, it's handed up and I cannot worry about it anymore. It is done. Nearing the end, it was terrible, but like I said, it's not worth much.

I'm writing a story. I need to find my own style again, I've forgotten it a little, and at the moment am leaching of work that I've been reading. That said, you should constructively critique or just let me know your opinion about what I have written on my other blog. I need to hone my writing skills once more, I'm dreadfully out of practice. I'd love for you to be a part of that, it would be extraordinarily helpful.

I am exhausted. Tonight I'm going to get a decent amount of sleep. If I can. The dreams about them are coming back. If they become as regular as they were again, I'm going to give up on sleeping. I do not want the dreams.

As for Chris, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't feel anything more for him that in a friendship way, again maybe its just after being away from him so long, or maybe it's the haircut. ;P But I really am not coping as well as I would like with schoolwork, and with time for homework, time to relax, see my friends and all that, I don't know if this is going to work anyway. I really don't even think I can put in the effort for a relationship. I like having someone to cuddle with and who is around a lot and stuff. But still.

Everything in life is so confusing.

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Days grow longer and nights grow shorter

Currently writhing in the grip of a fearsome headache. Okay, so it's not that bad, but I am assured that my head will shortly explode, with fragments of brain matter and bone splinters splattering the room. All my work on my English Supporting Study for a novel I have come to passionately hate will be soaked through with my blood, impossible to read.

I swear.

I have been minimising sleep for homework's sake. And my reluctance to cut myself off from other human contact. I just... don't want to be alone. This lack of sleep is causing my headaches. Thankfully, the holidays are but a week and a half away.

This study, in which we read and thoroughly annotate everything we can find in the novel, is huge. And due tomorrow. I am approximately halfway through. Themes, author's style, structure, perspective, language, techniques, notable quotes; all to be taken down. It is an exhaustive process, and with the pain of this headache that seeps through every level of my consciousness, I am currently not making much headway. I do not take painkillers after all my instances of overdosing on them, I am far too sensitive to the feeling of it moving through my body, making me feel spaced out, to be able to touch the stuff. My other usual option is to have really strong coffee, but after the incident the other day, I am keen to minimise all caffeine intake.

However, my introduction in my draft for a major essay in another subject was said to be brilliant by the teacher, so I'm pretty thrilled with that. I am determined to do well in the subjects I can now, and pick up in the others over the holidays.

And one thing that makes it all better is currently talking to the ex best friend. Crappy conversation. But it is, after all, who it's with that matters. Even if he is no longer my best friend. He still is himself. And that's why I love him.

I talked to him today, at school. Properly. More than a hello. I didn't even realise until an hour later. I was very tired and distracted at recess, and it was the first time I'd seen him in person since he got his hair cut. It's much shorter than it's been in the longest time, and I was curious, having seen a picture over MSN the night he'd had it cut. I just walked up to him and started rambling about how short his hair was, and not much else. I was also thrown off balance by the fact that Chris was back at school. When I did realise that I had actually talked to the ex best friend, I was slightly shocked. I FREAKIN TALKED TO HIM.

Anyway, Chris is back at school after... two weeks? A bit less, I think. I don't know. It was weird. I had gotten used to things without him. I talked to him a bit, but I was like we were just friends. Maybe it will take a while. I don't know. I don't want to be in a relationship. I hate the idea of it, I'm soo not ready. What am I fucking doing? No idea.

I'm planning on concentrating on schoolwork. It is year twelve, after all. Important. And I want a very high score.

But really, I just want to immerse myself in schoolwork so that maybe I can forget about them.

I don't want to isolate myself though, I went through that for a couple of months last year, and I can't do it. It may recede for a while, but I have a social nature and I care about people and I don't want to let them go. It would be stupid to add to what I have lost.

My head hurts.

P.S. [11.04PM] I think my heart just melted. Sure, my head is still exploding, but my conversation with the ex best friend... We were talking about a band that had memories from our friendship, and I couldn't help myself, I mentioned one of my favourite memories with him that was connected to a song by the band. It was this one night when we had gone for a walk, and went to a local primary school, and sat on the roof together. I said it was "good times" and then added "just randomly.", so that he didn't have to respond to the thought. He said "it was".

I practically melted into the ground. It just, means so much to me that a memory that I treasure meant something good to him. He's not just like "yeah, whatever. It was okay but I don't really care, that's all in the past". I mean, he's probably like that too. But he's not the most verbose of people, and the fact that he said it was a good time makes me happy in a sad, nostalgic way...

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Midnight Munchies Attaaaack!

So maybe I've been watching far too many episodes of Pokemon and Digimon online recently thanks to Surf the Channel and it's way past midnight (2.08AM), but that's neither here nor there. I'm so...  hungry. I crave something, but I don't know what. See, usually, when I'm up late and get the Midnight (and onward) Munchies, which we'll abbreviate to the M&M's coz I'm cool like that, it is Doritos that I desire.

Not this time. Well thank God because we currently have none in the house, I guess they haven't been on special lately, but the problem is that I don't even know what I want. I crave something, but nothing comes to mind. What specific taste is it that I need..? We have Fanta, which is great, but I can't drink it since it's not even supposed to have been opened yet... The only cookies we have are too sweet and painfully crunchy. We have no chips. Yeah that's about it.

Chris will be away from school for another week. I talked to him for the first time in over a week on MSN on Saturday night, but not for very long since he had to leave for dinner. He had his tonsils removed so he hasn't been at school, and since my phone is broken he can't get in contact with me. We're also both barely on MSN. I just... expected to miss him more. Now that I've talked to him, I do, I think. I want to talk to him properly, on the phone, or something. Not likely until I can somehow get my home number to him since he keeps forgetting to save it. I'm paranoid that he is getting over me like I always do with other people.

I miss the ex best friend. I miss the others. I miss Jimit. And Justin. And sleep.

I want new clothes. I want to watch the Jetsons and further episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I want a sleepover and a night in town. I want the movie drinking night I planned with my best friend Nick where we watch our favourite movies and have lightsaber fights coz we're into Star Wars since we're such cool kids; and hang out and drink together (because that other time does not count and we've agreed never to mention it again). I want to drink champagne with My Mofo's friend DJ and on the other hand do girly stuff; I want DnM's with a girl who will tell me what I need to hear and I want to skip lessons to sit outside KFC in the morning waiting for the chip shop to open, and go to the shops after school rather than straight home; I want a friend to walk home with no matter how much I love my sister, and good friends to hang out with in frees, not people that honestly I hardly talk to.

And damnit I want to know what munchies I crave and I want to eat them! OM NOM NOM (damnit Jake, looks like you won me over in that argument...)

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I don't really want to drink anymore. I always thought it was stupid. I make no sense, I know.

But anyway, nearly every time I drink something bad happens. Except at my best friend's seventeenth recently; that was fun, and even then, if Chris wasn't, well, if he wasn't who he was, then, well yeah, I'd have just one more thing to regret. Oh and this one other party last year but then I didn't have very much to drink. Those have also been the only two times that I haven't called the ex best friend since. The time before my friend's seventeenth, well, that was bad. I called him about twenty times and left four voice messages on his voicemail. I also called Justin. And then there's the other thing, the thing that I don't really want to talk about yet. I will soon, but not right now.

Drinking is fun sometimes though, with my best friend, with a certain other friend, and with my best friend from school, etc. I just think that in certain situations I should drink less. Even if that means drinking crappy drinks like Pulse and Vodka Cruisers (I'm really not a fan).

I am getting $50 from some guy in my homegroup for swallowing a teaspoon's worth of cinnamon in one go. What to buy? Not credit, since my phone has succumbed to the grave. And this really pretty dress I want is $60. I suppose, if I waited a week, I could get it. I owe a few people money, but no more than ten bucks all up. So many possibilities... I really want new shoes, and new clothes. Not even want, but need. Really.

Sorry for degeneratng into talking about complete random musings here. I really have nothing to write about that comes to mind, except the thing. Like I said, not now.

EDIT: I am so tired. I want to sleep. But I have realised that the thing is, every night when it is time for me to go to bed, I'm almost scared to get off the computer. Some nights I don't even go on until around nine, but I delay and delay leaving because I hate having no connection to other people. Because now I don't have my phone. And I usually have a conversation with someone before I go to bed, be it Chris or my sister or a friend or something, on the phone or in person when with my sister, or even a good conversation over MSN with Nick or the ex best friend, or something. It just helps me sleep better.
I should probably explain just why choosing Chris over Italics Boy was a good idea, especially in hindsight. I know Chris thinks Italics Boy is a total prick after what I told him, but he's not, really. I love how Chris didn't try to convince me to be with him over Italics Boy, but waited until I actually decided for myself. It must have sucked for him. I think I miss him. I wish I didn't get over guys so fast. I don't know.

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Let's be clear about this.

I will never hurt myself again.

That is a fact.

I don't want to, and I can't.

In all that I did, I lost the two most precious people ever. I want to make this clear, if I haven't before. This whole friends thing; it wasn't their fault. It was never their fault and if I implied that at all, that is not what I meant. They are amazing people, and amazing friends. I'm not mad at them, I never was. I'm mad at the situation, at myself for causing it, even though the exact things that set it off I'm still unsure about. And oh god I still do the same thing, I just realised. I just stop talking to people because I get moody. Do I learn anything???

I've learned some self respect, at least. Even when at times I feel so, so lost.

And if this is over forever, that's my fault too. I was too scared to talk to them for so long, that when I did try, maybe then it was already too late. And now, oh my god. It's been so long. Too long? Even though I know nothing will ever probably fix this, I still want to. So much. Sometimes I want to give up and forget and just. stop. Just hurt myself as much as possible so that nothing else matters anymore. But I am never ever doing that again. It's destructive to more than myself. I'm sick of hurting other people and ruining friendships. I'm so fucking selfish, and I hatehatehate it.

I want to start over somewhere else, I've wanted to move schools. Every class, every time I see them makes me choke on how much I miss them because of what I've done. That may be the one thing I can never forgive myself for. I hope they never forgive me for it either.

I could have been a better friend to them, like they were to me. I think it was when it came to myself that I fucked everything up. I don't want any of that "they're the ones missing out" crap, because, no, it is not their fault. They don't deserve anyone to think less of them for it, especially if you don't know them. They are fucking amazing and gorgeous and it was me who lost through my own fault.

You know what, I want to be innocent again. As innocent as I used to be. I ruined that too. I never learn from my mistakes, do I? I'm fucking ridiculous at times.

But I will never ever ever ever self harm again. I am so done with that.

EDIT: I still try to imagine what it would be like if we did try to work things out. Would it just... not happen? Even if we tried? It would be strange, and awkward. Would we have anything to talk about? I don't know.

I should probably do some homework. I'm behind and god how am I going to pass this year? German, especially. And Biology. And Maths. English and Classical Studies are the only two things I think I can do well in, and I'm still behind in English... Ugh.

EDIT: I think the whole eating all the time thing is kinda better now. It's back to normalish, still a bit too much junk food but I'm working on that. Although I think if I have to eat any more carrot or cucumber I might shoot myself in the head. If I had a gun and all. I haven't talked to Chris in over a week. I've practically forgotten what he's like. I'm sure it will be fine when I see him again...

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"I try to sleep, but the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me"

[Guys, I've written a new story on my other blog, Head in the Clouds. If you can and would like to, please take the time to check it out and even leave your comments, opinions, and constructive criticism? That'd be great, since I'm as unsure about it as ever. I'm aiming to write properly more regularly again as well, if you're interested. (:]

Today was good. The results for my latest Maths test turned out to be 52% (55 for a pass), but I've done well in other tests so far and my overall term grade is 74%, a B. Next term I'm going to make up the 11 percent needed to get an A. As for a majorly important Biology test I was worrying about; turns out I scored 82%. I was so incredibly relieved and excited at this. After school I went to my best friend's house for a few hours; she doesn't go to my school. So that was good.

But the best thing about today so far was a simple smile.

The ex best friend and I are in some weird territory at the moment; if you read back a couple of months, you'll see that we are talking slightly once again, mainly on MSN and greeting each other when we pass by at school. That had stopped for a while, and then has begun again over the last few weeks. I doubt I've written about it, because I don't want to hope that anything will come of it. Today, it went beyond that. It was nothing, really. And yet, it is everything to me; I could not keep from smiling for hours afterward. He smiled at me.

He's not the kind of person who smiles all that often, in fact he has said repeatedly that he doesn't like to. He also sent me an email saying hi yesterday at school, which I only read when I checked my inbox today. We used to talk all the time through emails at school. Sometimes texts, and then during Supervised Study (a crappier version of a free), I'd try to get to a computer so we could talk cheaply via email. We spent so much time together. Walking to and from school, sneaking out at night for walks, recesses and lunch, ditching class for a few minutes or completely on a number of occasions, talking on MSN each evening, going to town together on Saturdays, and having text conversations in between. Emailing during school was a huge part of this.

He smiled at me. The realisation only seeped into my mind as I walked away, and for the remaining lessons I had, I was very happy. I know I kept breaking into smiles like an idiot as I walked home by myself, and it was one of the first things I said to my best friend once I saw her. Talk about making my day. Although he always has. Well, either made or broken, if he was sad or angry.

And I've been letting myself imagine us becoming friends again. He's initiating all this. And I want this so much. I imagine having good conversations with him once more, spending time with him, hanging out for him, sneaking out for walks with him, just once in a while, and his hugs. He gives really good hugs. If I could have him back, even just as a friend; I can't let myself think about best friends, I don't think I could contain my happiness. Even without the other two (it's so hard to refer to them on here because I have no names for them), just having him at least would make everything better. I had completely given up on this, but ohmygod he fucking smiled at me today!

It's like I have a huge pathetic celebrity crush view towards him. Like ohmigod he smiled at me!!! I'm so lame ;P But it's more important than any crush. Because he was my best friend. Friends are more important than guys, like that. And I am so excited at the possibility of being his friend again, as much as I try to temper it. He was an amazing friend. He's not necessarily easy to be friends with, and at times was even kinda scary when he was angry, but I loved him and love him and maybe maybe he will love me again sometime. He means the world to me.

I'll be honest, if I was to cheat on Chris with anyone, it would be him. If he kissed me again, I would kiss him back. There would be almost no question of pulling away, although I would, after a while, because he is was (get a grip Toivoa) just my best friend and Chris is my boyfriend or something or other. Just my best friend? Hah. Not many more people are of more importance to me than him. I couldn't miss him anymore than I do. I would do anything for him, anything to make him happy.

But it won't happen, kissing him. We've been through that. I don't even know if we'll ever be able to call each other best friends again. All I know is that I want this with every fibre of my being, every macromolecule in my body, every cell and protein and organelle, with every homologous chromosome and every other biological thing within me. ;D I want this so badly, and I know I felt this way when he first began speaking to me again, but I can't stop to let myself be scared at it going wrong. I've gone so many sleepless nights reliving the memories, cried so many tears and felt physically ill or in pain due to missing him so utterly; and in keeping with the Backstreet Boys, "All I'm going to be without you him is incomplete..."

To the others, these are painfully fitting;
"What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you.
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment."

Jake Iloveyousomuch. As a friend and only that.

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You ain't never had a friend like me

That's probably something to be glad about ;)

Although, I'm an alright - good friend. It's in other social contexts I don't seem to do very well;

Having a boyfriend / whatever Chris is (we're not officially going out, although I thought we were at one point, I think both of us are kinda confused about that so should probably clear that up sometime but I don't really care to be honest), is not that great. Not that I thought it was, but it's something close to hard work. I mean it's good, mostly. And I already knew relationships were hard work, I'm not that stupid. But the question is, can I bothered with that? You're required to do stuff. Not like that. But actually spend time with them and all that jazz, and put in effort. I have to show affection, and God knows, I get really anti social at times. I have teary / sad moments every day and you just gotta stay away from me then. Being alone is good sometimes. Friendships are so much easier...

Not that those things aren't necessary in friendships, but it's more relaxed. You share around. I am fully not saying I want to be in an open relationship type thing, but sigh. So, and I feel a little guilty about this, but I'm kinda glad Chris is going to be away from school for the next week or so. Or at least, I won't see him that long. Being with Jimit was great because I didn't see him so regularly, but even then I'd get sick of being around him, or talking to him all the time. And sometimes I'd cancel when we were supposed to hang out because I didn't feel like it. I don't really have that option here...

Yes, I'm a terrible girlfriend / whatever. I really just don't care enough. Or perhaps I am going through another stage of trying to avoid being in a relationship. But come on, I don't really think I'm ready for one anyway. Although, I probably never will be.

I miss Justin like anything. We're supposed to hang out soon, I hope.

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thnks fr th mmrs

Well that was a traumatic phone call.

I don't want to even think about half of that conversation ever again.

I'm so uncomfortable with talking about certain things.

Although I suppose, everyone has their "taboo" topics.

But, shit.

I wasn't doing so great before that conversation and now I'm somewhat worse.

It was just uncomfortable and delved into stuff I do not ever want to talk about, and other stuff that I'm not ready to talk about yet. At least while sober.

And really, with all the shit that's happened every time, I should stop fucking drinking.

But I won't. Why?

I'm stupid.

I don't know why!

I need to attempt some homework. Caffeine dosage upcoming.

Only thing I can say is that I'm so grateful for seeing Justin on Sunday evening at church. That makes everything better. And I can't wait till we hang out.

I'm so sick of having no one to talk to about serious shit. I'm so sick of people not letting me know what I'm doing is stupid, in a nice way where I'll actually take it on board. I'm really, really over being stuck with myself constantly and having to carry this stuff around.

I hate the flashbacks of memory. Any memory. Every memory. And then especially those memories. I want to remove them. Anyone know if there's a delete button?

I may even start almost completely over. I don't want to keep remembering what I did, with this different, normal perspective. How I usually look at the world. I want to forget.

I'd forget you, and you, and you and you and you, and that night, and that night, and that time;

I'd definitely forget that. Was it my fault, or yours? A bit of both, I'd say. I wish I could say it was yours entirely. I really do. I lost much of my slowly building self respect there. And I wish that someone could say it wasn't my fault and that such a statement would be true. I wish that I could take it back take it back back back.

I hatehatehate that I did that. I hate how I'll never have a second chance. Nothing can change that.

(Although, I'll admit, if it would have fixed things with my friends in some crazy way, I'd do the same thing again. A thousand times over, not that it's quite possible. But as close as I could get.)

And as for you, well, I think I'd keep those memories. I don't want to forget that, forget you, or what you meant; or how special that was. I wouldn't forget you either, or you. Or you. I'd keep those memories, bittersweet as they are except for those with the last one of you.

Everything else, I think I would forget.

I've never been so full of regrets.

UPDATE (1:43AM) - And if I had the energy or the desire to try to protect myself, I'd be curled in a ball with my arms around my head. But how does one fight when the enemy is already inside?

The more I try to stop it, the faster the images come, flashes here and gone; in a cycle that can't stop, won't stop. And each time it's worse.

And I'd give myself to you in any way possible so that I exist no longer as my own self, but rather something for someone else. How do I explain that concept? If I was no longer a physical being, but rather, just a presence, something like a spirit who just filled the gaps in those who needed it and who I once loved; that would be easier. The responsibility of living sometimes feels like too much (that's now).

I don't want to be freefalling, I'd rather be drifting, emotionless.

I'll put my life on hold permanently; do you see it up on that shelf? Till I'm more faded than the words that I once wrote; I'll love you always, forever.

I'm barely aware of what I'm saying, can you tell?

Living takes an effort that sometimes I can't find, and I'm scrawling down these senseless words hoping that somehow I'll find my mind.

Wow, that rhymed.

EDIT (2.16AM): All I want right now is a coffee I can drown my thoughts in.

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Can I please at least have this?

Okay, I've been having mad crazy mood swings again lately, a lot. As bad as before I was diagnosed with Vitamin D (and that other thing I don't know) deficiency. But my pills have been bought once more (I ran out), so hopefully that will fix that, and the constant tiredness resulting in lack of schoolwork being done (VERY BAD for year 12), and limit long naps and general sleeping time; not to mention falling asleep in class (only in English, I swear I fall asleep easier there than at home in bed at night).

That said, my continuous caffeine dosage daily (I think I've said this before, but damn I love the Mocha's from the local cafe) is, I think, also wreaking havoc with my system. Yes, that system overloaded with unhealthy food, unhealthy amounts of food, and severely lacking in exercise. I suppose those are a few things that are worth a mention. My mother certainly thinks they're worth several mentions, several times an evening...

But, today, I went for a jog with my sister. When the parentals left to go buy my tablets (my mother insisted on buying in bulk from some far away place in order to save a few dollars in price), I seized the moment to ask her to come with me. I would have done so ages before, because personally, I like running, and I know I'm way unfit yada yada, so I figure, may as well. And since my sister is way too obsessed with her figure and wanting to be thin (don't even get me started :( ), she's all into jogging and exercise of nearly every kind. I go out of my way to avoid anything that could be considered exercise. Largely because of my mum, but more on that another time.

Anyway, the jog was fun. Not necessarily fun, but invigorating. Not long, but still. A start, no? My mum would be pleased, which is why she will never know. Like I said, more on that another time. Although, come to think of it, her response would more likely be along the lines of, "It's good to see you showing some interest. Now do it more often." Grrr.

But, to the point of this post.

I really like Chris. He likes me. Is that not enough?

I've been fucked over more than I realised until this last week, and even that last post, by the friends thing. I've weakened my other friendships at school in response because, honestly, I was hurt, and I didn't want friendships that weren't with them; I didn't want any replacement; and the reason my friendship with Lynley has flourished is because she wasn't connected to any of that, although she was friends with the ex best friend. She was a grade below and as such, that separated her. My other friends, although they aren't close friends with my best friends, can still talk to them and laugh with them and spend time with them and, really, honestly, I'm jealous. Because I can't even do that, and that hurts, a lot.

Other friendships I've made since then have also been good, refreshing, with no connection. And I strengthened ties with my friends from primary school; one in particular, because they had always been there and I needed someone who was distanced from the situation, physically as well.

I still feel like I could break apart sometimes, at just one word, one movement. And apart from Lynley and my friend from primary school, I haven't let myself become close to anyone. Plus, I find it very hard to trust guys when it gets into any situation of more than friends.

I'm trying to mend myself, and let myself mend. School isn't helping. Seeing them everyday is really not helping. There are a lot of things that aren't helping, I suppose. Take my mum, take the fact that I am far too sensitive to most things.

Can you please for the love of god let me have this one thing??? Untainted??? I can barely take your comments and your opinions on my being with Chris, and does it really matter? He is nice. Really nice. I don't like the majority of his friends, but fuck it, I don't like him for his friends. I like him for him. And whatever your own opinion of him, whatever reason you may disapprove, he is making me happy. He is helping, when so much else isn't.

And I'm over caring what everyone else thinks about it.

Please, please don't ruin this for me. I don't think I can bear one more thing going wrong.

EDIT: [9.48PM] I think I'm definitely going to kill myself. But not. Wow. I can't even explain how scared I am right now. Because.

You know what, I'm not even going to explain.

Because I don't even think I can.

But. My blog may shortly return to private.

kthnxfuckyouall

but not really.

fuckfuckshitfuck

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