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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

So it's finally come to this

Acceptance. Sacha and Bec, I'm still not sure. Hoping. But not sure.

For Jake [from now on referred to as the ex best friend kay?] though, it's time for me to accept this. Really accept it. He's still going to haunt me in my dreams, he and the memories of what we were, but I think I am at that stage. Where I can accept he's gone. I still love him, and I still miss him, but I am drained and it's time to accept this as much as possible. My subconscious self will still be pleading for him, my sleeping isn't going to get any better. I'll still think of him every day, reminded of him by nearly everything. But it's the best I can do.

This morning I woke up, and the whole time I could feel how I was on one subconscious level, defending myself. Yesterday, I had known what he was going to say would be bad, something inside me threw up the emotional barriers. I know the emotion was there, it was though I can see it swirling around as a colourful  yet dull mist or smoke behind the clear walls that surrounded me, just waiting to seep in.

And there was nothing to let it. That part of me that will protect me at an emotional cost stayed strong. No feeling. I just watched it, passively, slowly drifting around outside my walls. Plastic walls. Why not glass? Plastic is not so hard, so clear. Plastic made the emotions appear fuzzy, it was softer yet firm than glass could ever be, comforting, protecting me, not just a cold hard barrier keeping me trapped.      

It was only 7th lesson, Ancient Studies, which I have come to dread, with Sacha and Bec... I wanted to see what I would be like with,

I gave Callum, who was sitting next to me, Jake's wristband, and told him to keep it for the lesson. He was like, who's is it? He knew I was upset. He could see I was almost crying... He said my eyes were shiny. Lol, Callum is a dear, even though he gets annoying as all hell at times. Shame he can never keep his mouth shut either. We kindah talked about Jake a little, he said that he'd asked Jake about it the lesson before, and Jake said that I had changed, or something, that I was all depressed and stuff. But I had been so much happier lately then, than for a lot of times before. Seriously.

What the hell was he talking about??? The thing with Callum is he changes what he hears when he repeats it...

Mmm. I wonder if I'll ever really feel this. Or if I'll forever be blocked off to this. Perhaps like when David told me he used me, but then he later said he just said that because of various understandable reasons. I don't know with David, I really don't. Except that really didn't bother me, sometimes a little. But not really. I got my first kiss. And it was really good, not the kiss itself lol. He was so sweet and so caring, no way he made up what he said... It was the David I will always love. As a friend I mean. Okay, I was crazy about him for so long, and apparently he was about me too. Shame how things worked out. But we were always going to be better off as friends, and I don't know if we could have kept it up with what there was between us. I don't mean anything suss, just.

Mmm. I don't want any of you to be mad at Jake >=( I knew him better than any of you, none of you really were really great friends with him. I knew he had this side to him, I've seen it, towards Maddy, towards Emma who I'm not pretty good friends with. And it's part of who he is. If he didn't have that, he wouldn't be the same Jake that I love, and would do absolutely anything for, regardless of what he thinks of me. No matter what. I am always going to love him. Because of who he is. He is a stubborn, difficult person, sometimes such a dick. And I love him for everything that he is. I guess I never thought he'd turn that side on me.

I am accepting this. I still love him.

Unconditional love. Oh it can be painful ;)


  1. i've seen the niceest side to jake
    just thought i would throw that one out there

    i loved him and his personality and stuff once upon a time, :P, but i aint spoke to him in ages

    its always been ins and outs with me and him, haha

    i am going to say something rather cliche, but whatever makes you happy, fight for

    and that is really contradicting to this whole blog, but i duno, lol

    random last bit of advice, the last little bit that no one really cares to hear, but eh


    love you

  2. haha i know, and oh, so have i... ^_^ that's not public btw.

    jake is lovely, if somewhat hard to talk to at first, you tend to run out of conversation.

    there's fighting for, and there's knowing to let go for the other person's happiness. i have always wanted jake to be happy. happy, with me as his best friend and part of his life, yes, but whatever. if that involves me keeping out of his life, okay. jake is incredibly stubborn, i know when to back away...

    i would love to keep fighting, but why would i provoke him to say more? i don't know if i could take more...

    what's best for him.

    love you.