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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I don't need you, and the truth is...

sometimes, and here I mean "nearly constantly", I don't want you either.
I find myself thinking how much I would love to leave you. I could so easily cut the ties with all of you. And to be honest. I would barely look back. You're just another link to this thing that pains me the most, and if I'd been offered my escape earlier, at a plausible time, I would have gone. Hesitated, yes. But things as they are, I would have gone. I'd call, text, write. Smile and wave when bumping into each other. Out of guilt. Occasionally. As long as I felt I had to. I might even have cried when I left. But I'd let you go.
And it's not that I don't love you. But it would be easier, so much easier. Others I'd miss more than others. Some I'd keep in contact with. I can think of four. But the others, I'd be too busy missing them to have much left over for you. I'd have had a perfect new set up to enter. Keep up the social relations I so desire, and not let any friendship but hers develop to anything as close as before. At least not in which I was the confider.
I'm putting up the walls and that's all there is to it. Wanting to move away from all that has the potential for pain. Tearing out one chapter of my life.
I'd do it if I could.
And I can't even say I'm sorry, because I don't know if I am.
Either way, your forgiveness is not necessary.


  1. Are you working things out? I really hope so.

  2. I guess... With my friends who things weren't good with before, they are getting better, perhaps. I'm still not sure. In general, yeah, I am. But it's messy, unfortunately I'll blog about it a lot more ;P
    Sorry about that lol

  3. i would have let you go.


    We were sitting in Hungry Jack's when I got your message discussing that maybe this new escape was everything you needed, because it wasn't the hub, and you would be able to get away from the past. That's not saying that I wouldn't miss you. I would.

    i love you xx

  4. If running away or putting up walls is the only answer, are you asking the right question?