I feel like I just betrayed him. Lol not that he could care less.
But I was just talking to David, who said something, and I reacted with the facial expression that I have only ever used with my former best friend. Quite literally. I don't mean an emoticon, I mean a proper expression. I have never ever used it with anyone else. And I am so shocked I reacted that way. He was only joking too; of course he was only joking. Ughhh. Whereas my best friend would have said it seriously, in our little acting childish thing that we did. I caught myself staring at him today. Actually he caught me staring at him too. He's had a haircut and I haven't seen the look in his eyes in a long time; the way you look at someone when you are friends with them and are glad to see them, the way I long to see him look at me. I don't want the half dead, blank look, which is probably the same one I give him... I don't convey the longing in my look anymore, my eyes just watch, wondering what he's thinking, what he's been doing lately, and dying a little because once, I would have known... I don't want to look away because it gives me something to remember, the memories are fading already; and I'm not ready for that. I wonder if he realises that I still want things as they are, or if he thinks I have moved on.
I don't want to move on.
But, I think I am...